Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/Full year
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January 1: Break Half Your New Year's Resolutions Day
- 65M BC - For his new year's resolution, God promises to stop throwing giant meteors at Earth when upset.
- 1661 - Philip IV of Spain hopes his son will make him proud.
- 1812 - Napoleon Bonaparte vows not to start a land war in Asia.
- 1989 - Renowned ornithologist Arthur B. Magpie promises to stop fucking bird cloacas.
- 1994 - Ted Kaczynski says to himself, "This is my last letter bomb."
- 2012 - Whitney Houston promises to stop hoovering lines of cocaine like a roomba.
- 2025 - You hope that this year will be a good one, that you'll sort your life out for the better. Ha.
January 2: Official End of Festive Season Feeling Day
- 366 AD - Barbarians invade the Roman Empire and steal the secrets of the chorizo.
- 1865 - The Uruguayan War starts after Paraguay and Uruguay fights over whose capital gets to be called Montevideo.
- 1945 - Nuremberg, Germany is accidentally bombed during the preliminary hearings of the Nuremberg Trials, court is delayed for months.
- 1963 - Turning point in the Vietnam War when Charlie decides that hiding in the jungle was a pretty good strategy.
- 1967 - Governor of California, Ronald Reagan, sets the thermostat on Los Angeles to perpetually smoggy.
- 1971 - Richard Nixon signs a bill making it illegal to break into your political opponent's offices and steal their shit. Oops!
- 1993 - The Sri Lanka Navy's first aircraft carrier fails after it floats fifteen feet above the water.
January 3: Throw Tomatoes at Old People Day (Spain)
- 3 - First payday after Christmas, family breadwinners sigh and spend their money on cheap spirits.
- 1945 - Fascist era Spain creates holiday to cull old people and handle their tomato surplus at the same time (Pictured), evolves into a family-friendly holiday of public tomato throwing.
- 1948 - Mel Gibson is deported to Australia for abusing his freedom.
- 1974 - The Keebler Elves go on strike, claiming the working conditions in the tree are "inhumane", and demand a union. Ernie Keebler hires several Smurfs to scab in their place.
- 1992 - Nirvana releases "Come As You Are" as a single, amateur guitar players everywhere rejoice at having a song they can strum while playing Dungeons & Dragons.
- 2004 - CBS declares victory in the ratings war after crushing that "gay peacock" network.
January 4: International Schadenfreude Day
- 1666 - The Great Fire of London begins as the Christmas decorations are taken down too close to a naked flame.
- 1974 - The Second Coming of Christ faces serious setbacks almost a year after the Supreme Court rules on Roe v. Wade.
- 1995 - Neil Diamond is kidnapped and forced to listen to his own music for seven consecutive days by his captors.
- 2009 - California Adventure and UC Irvine sign a treaty, but because Irvine was too busy playing Pokemon during negations, no one is sure exactly what the agreement is about.
- 2017 - God or aliens or lizard people must have lots of fun watching our misfortune.
- 4580 - The first Twinkie expires, mutant Octopeople everywhere worry about their food supply.
January 5: Guillotine Day (France)
- 1789 - Joseph-Ignace Guillotin first proposes the idea of a simple cutting mechanism by which the heads of monarchist scum are efficiently detached.
- 1793 - Maximilien Robespierre, to speed up the long lines of people awaiting execution, designs a new guillotine based on Leonardo da Vinci's primitive helicopter designs.
- 1794 - Robespierre's severed head goes on to become the next Prime Minister of Belgium.
- 1977 - The last person to be execution by guillotine, Hamida Djandoubi, sells commemorative postcards to pay for his defense trial.
- 1996 - Georgia State Rep. Doug Teper is reelected on his promise to rename the guillotine the freedom slicer.
- 2003 - British scientists invent a hybrid lethal injection/guillotine device, by which the blade of a guillotine is replaced by a row of hypodermic needles.
January 6: Recover from Holiday Hangover Day
- 1839 - The Night of the Big Wind hits Ireland with gusts of flatulence, after the communal stew is laced with baked beans.
- 1929 - Mother Teresa arrives in India, ready to give starving peasants the food of life, Christ Jesus, which is more nourishing than any lentil.
- 1941 - Franklin D. Roosevelt gives his famous Four Freedoms Speech: freedom to yell at town halls, freedom to worship Jesus, freedom to eat lots of turkey, and freedom to fucking die.
- 1950 - The United Kingdom officially apologize for the heinous crime of stealing tea from China, but it's still too little too late.
- 2001 - Congress decides that George W. Bush is the rightful winner after a coin toss.
- 2010 - Uranus officially undergoes name change to avoid ridicule, henceforth called Urectum. (Pictured)
- 2011 - Urectum undergoes yet another name change to avoid new ridicule, will now be called Urmom.
- 2021 - Jesus worshippers living in America's ass invade the U.S. Capitol.
January 7: Black Karl Marx Day
- 698 - King Arthur has a white wine with his cottage pie instead of a red, the round table become concerned.
- 1608 - The settlement of Jamestown, Virginia burns down after a careless farmer leaves the smoking tobacco too close to the firewood.
- 1954 - The first demonstration of computer speech is performed in Georgetown University by an IBM machine, it says: suck it nerds
- 1959 - The U.S. Government sends Fidel Castro fifteen crates of the finest American cigars, which only look like live sticks of dynamite.
- 1989 - In response to allegations of class reductionism, the Democratic Socialists of America release the new and improved Black Karl Marx, now 40% more intersectional. (Pictured)
- 2012 - Pope Francis excommunicates the Vatican's fancy Pope throne in favor of a lame white chair, the peasants cheer, but God cries.
- 2017 - Black Karl Marx calls one of his female colleagues honeybun, is temporarily taken out of commission.
January 8: National Discrimination Day (U.S.)
- 8 - first ever January the 8th.
- 1815 - Andrew Jackson defeats the British in New Orleans, catching them by surprise while they're celebrating the peace treaty.
- 1828 - The Democratic Party is formed on the principles of looking respectable and competent while doing absolutely nothing else.
- 1942 - Henry Ford declares his allegiance to Adolf Hitler's dictatorship, repaints all Model T's white.
- 1964 - Lyndon B. Johnson declares a "War on Poverty", millions of poor people are mercilessly exterminated before Johnson clarifies, "That's not what I meant..."
- 2009 - Kellogg's continues to conquer the cereal market with smack (Pictured) after finally dropping the honey flavoring and just selling it straight up.
- 2010 - Scientists discover that stomach acid causes breast cancer, but only when digested. Sorry, Carlin.
- 1838 - So there's this photo of a town I took and I don't have the colors for it. So I guess you'll have to imagine yourself in a colored dimension...
- 1927 - Hey, guys. Gonna do some standup today. How's it going Denver, yeah, so my girlfriend, it's our, by the way it's our three year anniversary...
- 1930 - The SUN. Clap. The LIGHT tears my HEART into STRANDS. Clap. My FACE, ENGULFED in SHIT. Clap. I am ALONE. Alone. Alone...
- 1936 - Uh, you ever been, like, you ever been like on the bus, and like, uh, the uh.... So, this old dude, and he, and this was the funny part, he had den— dentures and I had a whole bucket of, oh God, excuse me....
- 1942 - So the U-R-L is, A-R-Y-A-N dash promise, except there's, uh, two s's, dot R-U slash resources slash the truth about almond milk dot H-T-M, with no spaces, again, that's A-R—
- 1950 - Women, can't live with 'em, can't live with 'em, amirite? You fuckers, you fucking millennial shitheads my shit is gold, I've been doing comedy since before you were a stain in your—
- 1967 - 🎝Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you.🎝 By now— who threw that!? Who threw that!?
- 49 BC - Julius Caesar crosses the Rubicon, he tries to turn back but the ferry is out of service on Fridays.
- 1776 - Thomas Paine publishes the pamphlet Common Sense, arguing that anyone who disagrees with American Independence should be institutionalized.
- 1810 - Napoleon Bonaparte and Empress Joséphine separate, she takes Prussia and half of France in the divorce.
- 1920 - World War I officially ends after Germany signs an affidavit promising "not to do this sort of thing" ever again.
- 1977 - Pac-Man is admitted to rehab due to a debilitating white pellet addiction.
- 1979 - Disco dies of a cocaine overdose, grunge soon to follow.
- 2015 - A funeral in Maine ends in tragedy as body is accidentally lowered into an open sewer.
January 11: Alexander Hamilton Day
- 1569 - English merchants propose a national game by which the poorest of society freely and willingly give their money to the rich with no hope of a reward; they call it a lottery.
- 1755 - Alexander Hamilton (Pictured), financial elitist, slave owner, serial adulterer and father of Wall Street, is born to a whore and a Scotsman; inspires overpriced musical for bougie liberals.
- 1879 - The Zulus defeat one British Redcoat unit with eleven Impi spearmen, British cry "no fair!" and reload save.
- 1922 - The first patented Diabetes treatment, a pair of rusty pliers used to excise the parts of the tongue that taste sweetness, is introduced to the general public.
- 1946 - Albanian dictator Enver Hoxha builds 750,000 bunkers not to keep Capitalist invaders away, but to see who cares enough to break them down.
- 2015 - Lin-Manuel Miranda is sentenced to hell for making a black guy dress up as Thomas Jefferson, which is like, three layers of wrong.
January 12: Politically Incorrect Bedtime Stories Day
- 1528 - King Gustav I of Sweden, after a Danish armchair of his breaks after only two hours of use, declares that all furniture sold outside of Sweden must be sold unassembled.
- 1907 - A baby Sergei Korolev, Soviet rocket scientist, is found hidden inside a stalk of corn by a poor farmer.
- 1966 - Lyndon B. Johnson declares America must stay in Vietnam till that whole Communism fad blows off.
- 1981 - The NAACP removes the "I have black friends who are okay with it" loophole for people without N-Word privileges, twenty-something white dudes riot.
- 2010 - An earthquake in Haiti kills over 100,000 people, wait, you already forgot about it? That's cold. I don't even think you donated.
- 2015 - Eighty-nine year old comedian Boz "Yellowface" Trillman cancels his long belated comeback after uproar at a joke about the differently abled.
January 13: Julius Caesar's New Year's Eve
- 45 BC - Julius Caesar celebrates New Year's thirteen days late, after everyone else is already done with that sort of thing, angering the Senate. (Pictured)
- 1610 - Galileo Galilei discovers the fourth satellite of Jupiter, but initially confuses it for a hemorrhoid.
- 1942 - Henry Ford gets a patent for his new automobile, which is 50% more Nazi than regular cars.
- 1996 - Annie Lennox accidentally breaks wind near a microphone, is immediately awarded two Grammys and a BRIT award.
- 1998 - Gay activist sets himself on fire in St. Peter's Square to protest the Catholic Church's condemnation of self-immolation.
- 2012 - Cruise ship Costa Concordia tips over on its side after a celebrity cooking class puts cream on their pasta carbonara.
January 14: Visit Your Imprisoned Relatives Day (North Korea)
- 1539 - Spain invents the Cubano, names Caribbean island Cuba in its honor.
- 1911 - Scottish Gaelic is smacked out of existence by a coalition of Scotland's concerned schoolteachers.
- 1945 - Adolf Hitler makes a demoralizing speech to the Wehrmacht, blaming the German people for not evolving an immunity to allied armaments.
- 1953 - Josip Broz Tito wins the 12th annual "Sexiest Dictator Alive" contest with his piercing glare.
- 1973 - Elvis Presley crash lands into Hawaii and spends his life there forever.
- 1977 - In act of utmost mercy and virtue, Eternal President Kim Il-sung allows family of pigdog dissidents indefinite visitation rights, through their own imprisonment. (Pictured)
- 2004 - Georgia, the country, changes their flag to resemble the flag of Georgia, the state, to confuse people even more.
January 15: Feast of the Two-Headed Yak (Ukraine)
- 1889 - Coca-Cola replaces cocaine in its formula with the milder caffeine, consumers complain, but without cocaine, they only end up being slightly anxious.
- 1919 - A giant tank of molasses in Boston, Massachusetts bursts and floods streets, killing 21. What makes their deaths any less tragic?
- 1967 - The first Super Bowl advertisements air on television. Since then, what was supposed to be "Football's Biggest Night" has always been nothing but advertisements.
- 1976 - Michio Kaku finds the perfect conditioner for his unique hair, sadly, it is banned everywhere except Estonia.
- 1977 - Martin Luther King Jr. spins in his grave, but not for any real reason, that's just a thing he does.
- 1987 - The two-headed Ukrainian Yak (B. grunniens chernobylian) emerges from the radioactive forest surrounding Pripyat, providing a useful source of protein to the people of northern Ukraine.
- 2001 - Wikipedia, the aggregate of all mankind's knowledge, goes online, first article is List of Power Rangers episodes.
January 16: Anniversary of the Bowel Movement (Djibouti)
- 9 AD - Something happened to some guy somewhere out there in the world.
- 1264 - For the first time in human history, a man is born twice.
- 1920 - The League of Nations not sure what to do with that Hitler fellow, decides to just let it be, he'll fizzle out in a week.
- 1930 - Mickey Mouse loses his license to Steamboat Willie after being caught transporting eleven illegal immigrants up the Timeless River. Walt Disney distraught.
- 1942 - Odds are that Hitler (Pictured) did something morally objectionable on this date.
- 1987 - Something performed by guys with poofy hair and makeup on was the number one song in America.
- 1983 - The day white people started to like Martin Luther King Jr.
January 17: Kick Pigeons in the Face Day
- 395 - The Eastern Roman Empire and the Western Roman Empire split after "insurmountable creative differences."
- 1918 - The Finnish Civil War begins after the Finns decide that they might as well get their Civil War done right away.
- 1945 - The Soviets liberate Warsaw from Nazi Germany, decide to adopt Poland as their own. Aww.
- 1946 - The UN Security Council wonders what the UK is doing there. It's just an island.
- 1961 - Dwight D. Eisenhower makes final speech warning America about the monster that lives in your closet.
- 1987 - The New York City Transit Authority sponsors a pigeon kicking holiday (Pictured) in response to the bird poop derailing all their trains.
- 2004 - The Doomsday Clock is set four minutes to midnight after scientists realize the time on their microwave is two minutes off.
January 18: French Armed Forces Day (France)
- 1778 - James Cook discovers the islands of Hawaii, names them the "Sandwich Islands": Cook is later killed by Natives after he declares the Taco to be a folded sandwich.
- 1886 - Field hockey is invented by hyper-insecure men who feel that gliding on ice is like, "totally gay."
- 1919 - During the Paris Peace Conference, the French Army give themselves the "Winner-est Winners" award, for having won the most in the conflict they have won.
- 1943 - The Polish city of Kraków is liberated by the Red Army, the Poles are surprisingly ungrateful for some reason.
- 1990 - Digital Underground's Humpty Dance becomes the No.1 song in America, listeners kill themselves in droves, having heard the voice of God.
- 2013 - To curb certain "unfounded" stereotypes of French people, France invades Northern Mali: troops immediately go on strike due to lack of hazard pay.
- 2024 - France surrenders. Though it is unclear who they surrendered to.
January 19: Porn for the Blind Day
- 8M BC - Monkeys evolve opposable thumbs, discover how to spank the monkey.
- 1340 BC - Egyptians create the first pornographic magazine, printed on papyrus, men claim they read it just for the hieroglyphs.
- 1850 - Nudist becomes billionaire after patenting photographs of people naked.
- 1450 - Johannes Gutenberg invents a press capable of printing tasteful centerfolds.
- 1968 - Blind porn is introduced, requiring the sight disadvantaged to keep both hands busy.
- 1971 - The first porno on VFHS is filmed, shows a mustachioed man cumming into a steaming bowl of macaroni and cheese.
- 1994 - First porn site developed, shows pictures of ASCII boobs: (.)(.)
- 2012 - The largest blind porn site, Blindfold, was shutdown by the FBI.
January 20: Act Like You Care About Politics Day
- 1265 - The first ever House of Parliament is convened, first item on agenda is, "Do the peasants have too much rights?"
- 1783 - Britain formally splits from the American Colonies after the Revolutionary War: Britain says, "you'll be back."
- 1789 - George Washington makes speech declaring himself eternal Godking of the 13 colonies, is brought back to his senses with a stiff drink and a good nap.
- 1953 - Senator Alfred "The Lorax" Ramsey introduces bill to Senate to save the endangered Truffula forest from the Onceler.
- 2017 - Donald Trump is inaugurated as the 45th President of the United States, satire dies a slow and painful death.
- 2021 - Donald Trump is expelled as Joe Biden makes his return as the 46th President, promising to reinstate the legality of satire but subsequently failing.
- 2025 - Robot Hitler is inaugurated as the 47th President, liberals immediately call for a hundred stern op-eds.
- 2065 - Barron Trump's floating brain becomes President, Americans wish for the simpler days of Mecha Hitler.
January 21: Drink Until It Stops Hurting Day
- 30 AD - Supply Side Jesus patents cure for leprosy, sells treatment for thirteen drachmas.
- 1503 - The first handgun is designed, launches the shooter's hands towards the enemy.
- 1781 - Benedict Arnold, tired of being called "Eggs Benedict" by George Washington, defects to the British.
- 1850 - Millard Fillmore installs the White House's first bathtub.
- 1954 - Leni Riefenstahl writes, directs and stars in propaganda film, "Both Sides Were Bad, M'Kay?"
- 1991 - First ever "Yo-Mama Joke" is told. Violent bitch-slaps shortly follow.
- 2017 - Millions of feminist activists and Antifa super soldiers march in the streets, murder innocent shop windows.
January 22: National Cover-Up Day
- 0 - The Messiah was definitely born to a virgin and not the result of a time-travel religion scheme.
- 1605 - Guy Fawkes was definitely not a secret Protestant double-agent trained to make Catholics look bad.
- 1914 - The squirrels had absolutely nothing to do with the assassination of Franz Ferdinand.
- 1952 - Adolf Hitler is obviously not swimming in the frozen Arctic sea as a merman after a radiation experiment gone wrong.
- 1977 - AIDS was not at all created by the FBI and pinned on the CIA after they won the inter-agency tennis match last summer.
- 2001 - The Twin Towers were definitely not brought down by the Swedish as revenge for all the shitty Ikea jokes.
- 2016 - The perfidious Russians never spent millions on Vermin Supreme's presidential campaign.
January 23: Being Cut Off in the Middle of a Sentence Day
- 1321 - Pope Francis admits that the Vatican is actually a dormant—
- 1953 - Communists Chinamen will spring a massive coup in fourteen—
- 1969 - NASA warns that alien invaders will attack the city of—
- 2005 - The CIA admits finally admits it killed—
- 2011 - D.B Cooper comes out of hiding, reveals his money is hidden in—
- 2013 - MIT discovers the secret to immortality. It's so simple. The one thing you should never do is—
- 2809 - Second Coming of Jesus! Jesus descends to Earth and—
- 3809 - Judgment Day! God says you can get into heaven by—
·41 AD - Roman emperor Caligula is skewered to death by his Praetorian bodyguards after he forgets their birthdays ten years in a row.
·1848 - A miner finds a whole vein of Bitcoins near Sacramento, California.
·1941 - Neil Diamond is born looking exactly like he does right now.
·1961 - A bomber carrying two H-Bombs crashes in North Carolina, irradiates state, no one notices as North Carolina is already filled with glowing mutant people.
·1970 - Computer nerds invent the computer, use only the colors green and black since they have no fashion sense.
·1972 - Japanese soldier found hiding in the jungles of Borneo, twenty-seven years after World War II ends: asks, "Is my mother dead yet?"
·1984 - Steve Jobs personally invents the Apple Macintosh (Pictured), which revolutionizes computing by introducing the color gray and something called a UI. Sounds lame.
January 25: Shit January's Almost Over? Day
- 1890 - Nellie Bly (Pictured) crosses the world in only 72 days, is faced with the nagging feeling that the stove might still be on the whole journey.
- 1949 - The first Emmy Awards are televised, audiences everywhere smash their television sets for "growing an ego."
- 1971 - Idi Amin wins upset election in Uganda after the other candidate is mysteriously shot forty-seven times in the back.
- 1995 - The Russians almost launch their nuclear weapons after mistaking an atmospheric missile for a giant middle finger.
- 1996 - The last man to be hanged in America, immediately regrets choosing to be hanged seconds after hanging.
- 1998 - Pope John Paul II visits Cuba, condemns the country for its human rights abuses after a mojito he ordered took "too damn long" to arrive.
January 26: Civil War Day
- 1850 - After months of grueling compromises, Congress manages to avoid Civil War by rescheduling it another eleven years or so. Someone else's problem.
- 1870 - After American Civil War, the process of reconstruction is well underway especially in Virginia, where slavery (with extra steps) is being reintroduced.
- 1874 - The surrender of Robert E. Lee to Ulysses S. Grant is commemorated in a special postage stamp (Pictured), which is sold for the ridiculously expensive price of 10¢.
- 1917 - The Russian Civil War is delayed another several months as both sides attempt to discern their ideological differences.
- 1918 - The Finnish Civil War starts after a disagreement over which color to feature in the Finnish flag, eventually, the Whites and Blues compromise.
- 1992 - Boris Yeltsin promises not to nuke any American cities after he forgets the keys to his Nuclear Football in a bar somewhere in Rostov.
January 27: International Bring Your Exotic Pet To Work Day
- 1776 - Thomas Jefferson, suffering from writers' block, brings his pet negro Toby to work, who writes the remaining 96% of the Declaration of Independence for him.
- 1933 - Adolf Hitler vows to destroy all Jews when his pet Jew sleeps with his girlfriend.
- 1945 - President Harry Truman let his Komodo Dragon press the big red button, authorizing the use of nukes.
- 1947 - Mahatma Gandhi takes his pet rhinoceros to a rally. Scares the British into leaving India.
- 1974 - The city of Brisbane gets flooded after Gough Whitlam's pet koala broke the river's banks.
- 1995 - Osama bin Laden trains his pet Orangutan to use AK47s and RPGs. Becomes mascot for terrorists all over the world.
- 2010 - Howard Zinn and J.D. Salinger die on the same day. They have a long-winded conversation about literature outside the Pearly Gates, boring and annoying everyone else in line.
January 28: Kill Baby Hitler Day
- 1813 - Jane Austen publishes her first novel, "You'll Have to Read This in 9th Grade", is instant bestseller.
- 1890 - Dozens of time travelers attempt to kill Baby Hitler, are stopped by those same time travelers after finding out world would be much worse.
- 1922 - The largest snowstorm in American history collapsed the Theater of Underpants, killing 98 people.
- 1956 - Elvis Presley scandalizes television after going full-frontal on the Ed Sullivan Show.
- 1965 - A maple leaf accidentally falls on a picture of the newly designed Canadian flag, is accidentally included after photocopies are sent.
- 1985 - Africans choose to starve rather than benefit from corny "We Are The World" song.
- 2016 - The CIA develop disease which turn third-world babies into abortions, call it Zika virus, redundant as alcoholism already exists.
January 29: Conservative Chic Day
- 1850 - Henry Clay introduces the "Great Compromise of 1850" to congress, which frees all slaves, but only on weekends.
- 1861 - Kansas is admitted into the union only because the country would look kinda weird with a Kansas-shaped gap in the middle of it.
- 1916 - Paris is bombed by German Zeppelins during World War I, French are amazed by the steampunk aesthetic.
- 2000 - Conservative columnist Ben Shapiro, world record holder for longest stay inside a locker, loses his virginity to an especially sensuous pair of tweed pants. (Pictured)
- 2009 - Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is sentenced to fourteen years in jail for false advertising after the Senatorship he was selling was only an assistant mayoral council seat.
- 2017 - David Harbour soapboxes like a mofo at the Film Actors Guild (FAG) Awards.
January 30: The Next Great American Novel Day
- 1892 - Richard Lawrence, failed Andrew Jackson assassin, writes novel marketed as tell-all; it instead details his unrequited decades long crush on a Czech farmgirl in Nebraska.
- 1925 - Erudite socialite and on-and-off poet M. Masters Droob writes, These Days Will Last Forever, a loosely biographical coming of age tome about an erudite socialite and on-and-off poet.
- 1965 - Virginian author Jeronio P. McDullum writes his magnum opus, That Remains to be Seen: A Novel of Domestic Discontent, about a loveless marriage between an assistant professor and pugnacious spouse, who wouldn't know a novel from a novella.
- 1971 - Grizzled, white man's man author Smoker Ennis publishes a road trip anthology, I Fucked The Road; in the cover, he poses with the semi-automatic machine gun he will later use to take his own life.
- 1973 - Brundon Grishmald writes a 1,249 page novel about every single one of his sexual fetishes in excruciating detail, most people give up by page eighty-four.
- 2015 - Mariska Told writes a semi-autobiographical Roman à clef about the character defining experiences which paint the life of every American woman, like working at your dad's publishing firm or drunk texting your ex who moved to Long Island three years ago.
- 2017 - Bright young writer and future MacArthur fellow João Staines writes great work of literary import, you can tell from the tasteful misogyny and the nonsense similies.
January 31: National Ice Cream Day
- 201 AD - Ice cream is invented in Rome, but it quickly melts due to the lack of refrigerators, everyone is forced to slurp it.
- 1804 - French explorers with sensitive teeth steal the secrets of refrigeration from a tribe in north Africa, who they smear as filthy savages.
- 1819 - Heinrich Zoller creates a means to produce dots from ice cream, his recipe is later stolen by Samuel Dippin, who patents his invention and sells it inside malls.
- 1928 - Stalin re-invents ice cream and names it Stalin Cream, USSR rejoices but the American scum looses there underwear.
- 1979 - Ben and Jerry's "Popped Cherry" flavor ice cream is an initial hit with the young male demo, but sales ends in disappointment.
- 1991 - Dunkin' Donuts loses a hedge-trimming contest to Dairy Queen.
- 2000 - 88 lucky amusement park guests enjoyed the thrilling Alaska Roller Coaster Ride 261.
- 2009 - After a nationwide cat infestation, Ben & Jerry's introduces new "Litter Crunch" flavor.
- 2010 - James Cameron's ice cream based on the hit movie Avatar starts being sold, and somehow manages to sell even more than the movie itself.
![[Insert clever alt text here]](/wiki/File:Insertpicturehere.png)
February 1: [Insert Holiday Here]
- [Insert Year Here] - [Insert event here]
- [Insert Year Here] - [Insert overdone joke about certain desiccated religious figurehead here]
- [Insert Year Here] - [Insert crude sexual innuendo here]
- [Insert Year Here] - [Insert event involving France and one of two French stereotypes here]
- [Insert Year Here] - [Insert appalling racist joke added by an anonymous contributor from 2007 here]
- [Insert Year Here] - [Insert bad pun here]
- [Insert Year Here] - [Insert what is either an obscure pop cultural reference or just some stupid random shit here]
- [Insert Year Here] - [Insert lame in-joke here]
- 1461 - The War of the Roses: no one outside of some damp island has any idea what happened during the war, I don't know, poppies started eating people?
- 1652 - New Amsterdam (later renamed to New York City) is settled, declared the "Greatest City in the World" by people with low expectations.
- 1848 - The Mexican-American War ends in the treaty of "Gimme Half Your Shit", in which America gladly welcomes all the land Mexico was kind enough to lend.
- 1850 - Brigham Young slaughters hundreds of Native Americans, is cursed in the afterlife to live in the, uhh, terrestrial kingdom? Seriously?
- 1922 - James Joyce writes random scribbles and publishes it, scholars are still confounded after decades of study.
- 1943 - The Battle of Stalingrad ends after all the Nazis just froze to death, General Winter, just don't think about it, O Beautiful for Spacious Skies...
February 3: Fuck a Groundhog Day
- 1834 - Wheeling Jesuit University is founded, alumni annoys everyone they meet by complaining about Wheeling Jesuit University.
- 1870 - The Fifteenth Amendment is ratified, guaranteeing voting rights for all people in about ninety or so years.
- 1933 - Adolf Hitler steals Austria, other Europeans demand he gives it back, but he covers his ears and goes "nananana."
- 1966 - The Soviet Union hides people inside tiny compartments to operate probes which land on moon.
- 1993 - Bill Murray finally escapes from a 10,000 year long time loop, will have to live with the knowledge he has fucked a groundhog at least twelve times.
- 1995 - First woman to pilot a Space Shuttle accidentally lands it on Europa, a moon on Jupiter.
February 4: Nobody Does Anything Interesting Day
- 220 AD - Emperor Cao Cao of the Han Dynasty, knowing the end is near, has the imperial chef make him his favorite sandwich.
- 1142 - Starving peasants in medieval Germany continue to starve.
- 1877 - Charles Dickens has severe constipation, contemplates going to the doctor.
- 1943 - Hitler finds some time out of his day to play with his dog Blondi.
- 1968 - Lyndon B. Johnson drinks some really bad coffee, tells his wife.
- 1977 - Eric Clapton orders a tuna sandwich from the deli but is given egg salad instead, doesn't notice until he gets home.
- 2004 - Mark Zuckerberg invents the Facebook status, now people can be uninteresting whenever they want.
- 2008 - Parliament forces non-electric cars to drive in a place that is not in London.
- 2017 - Mike in HR spreads butter on a burnt piece of toast on purpose. Many speculate him to be completely batshit insane.
February 5: Peyton Manning Does Everything Day
- 1066 - Peyton Manning, king of Normandy, conquers England.
- 1152 - Peyton Manning almost makes it to Super Bowl -DCCCXV, but he loses the AFC Championship after getting sacked five times by the Frankfurt Galaxy's linebacker Frederick Barbarossa.
- 1215 - Peyton Manning thinks up the concept for the Magna Carta.
- 1492 - Peyton Manning sails the ocean blue.
- 1776 - Peyton Manning leads the Continental Army across the Delaware River in an assault on Trenton, New Jersey.
- 1813 - Peyton Manning is exiled to Elba.
- 1860 - Peyton Manning signs the Emancipation Proclamation before Abraham Lincoln could.
- 2014 - Peyton Manning finally retrieves wild snap he missed on first play of Super Bowl.
- 1489 - Nothing truly happens, for life is bereft of all meaning.
- 1555 - What is even "meaning"? But a futile attempt to give essence to what is without it?
- 1644 - We are but things, mere atoms, floating in a miasma of angst, seeking out pain to fill a never-ending hole. A hole... of pain.
- 1709 - Where is God? He is nowhere. A marketing gimmick by the, uhh, bead companies, to sell beads.
- 1882 - You know what else is bereft of meaning? Family court. Family court, yet another "institution" meant to bring order in an order-less world.
- 1905 - Rachel! Let me see the kids! Goddamnit Rachel I can't even see their faces!!! You whore!!! Rachel!!!
- 1941 - Just the weekends, Rachel, please, just the weekends...
February 7: Shit! I Forgot My Lines... Day
- 1599 - Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio, a man of uhh, shit. Line. Line, I need the—
- 1600 - A man of Infinite Jest. Of most excellent fancy. Wait, asshole.
- 1601 - Yeah, got it. Ahem. I knew him Horatio, a man of infinite jest. Of most fancy—Fuck—of most excellent fancy.
- 1602 - If this happens on the night we'll just use the alternate.
- 1603 - How about you go fuck yourself, I'm the artist around here, you just tell people where to move on stage.
- 1604 - Whatever, Kenneth Branagh, you do whatever you fucking want.
- 1605 - I don't need you, nobody needs you, I'll make my own fucking lines. I'm the fucking bard. Motherfucker.
February 8: Royals Named Elizabeth Day
- 1856 BC - Hebrews arrive at the Promised Land, start worshiping Baal, which makes Yahweh totally jealous.
- 1020 BC - Rome is built in 24 hours and 12 minutes.
- 76 AD - Philosopher Octavius Libido publishes his masterpiece, "Indoor Plumbing: the Devil Incarnate", Rome is then destroyed by Typhoid.
- 1587 - Mary, Queen of Scots is executed by Elizabeth I after US Weekly says Mary wore it better.
- 1819 - Mary Shelley creates Dr. Frankenstein, who rebels against his creator by not even calling during the holidays.
- 1952 - Elizabeth II is crowned Queen of the United Kingdom, immediately starts merchandising.
- 2001 - California Adventure declares its independence from Disneyland, establishes its own currency and military.
February 9: International Tourette's Day
- 1884 - First case of tourette's is recorded, subject is originally not diagnosed as his tic was incessantly correcting people's grammar.
- 1942 - Daylight saving time is introduced in America after Congress is led to believe that that lightbulbs steal the sunlight.
- 1964 - The Beatles make their first appearance on The Ed Sullivan Show, scandalizes prudish American audiences with their protruding foreheads.
- 1971 - Apollo 14 returns to Earth after the third manned moon landing, brings back a shitload of sexually transmitted moon diseases.
- 1986 - Halley's Comet visits our solar system, leaves immediately after noticing the Earth starting to warm up.
- 2025 - You don't notice any symptoms of tourette's on this day, since all the tics were nonverbal, educate yourself fool.
February 10: International Bad Pun Day
- 1104 - Potato famine engulfs Ireland, panhandling leprechauns flood the cities because they're a little short.
- 1390 - Bread is invented. Everybody proposes a toast to the inventor.
- 1391 - Sliced Bread is invented. This is the greatest thing invented since, you know what I'm drawing a blank.
- 1712 - Rebels in Chile have a riot against the Spanish. It ends up being en fuego.
- 1865 - A three legged dog walks into a saloon and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
- 1980 - Various case studies indicate you can put things in them and carry them by their handles.
- 1985 - Das Boot, a German film about gender neutral enclosed footwear, is released.
- 2009 - Juan Pablo Montoya is shot dead, police believe the killer was a golfer, because he made a hole in Juan.
- 2018 - French President Emmanuel Macron explains at a press conference that he doesn't like too many eggs for breakfast as one egg is un oeuf.
February 11: Glorious Nippon Steel Day
- 660 BC - Japan is founded after Amaterasu, Goddess of the Sun, uses the leftovers made from creating South Korea and China.
- 1889 - The Japanese Constitution is written, grants every citizen the right to work until fatal exhaustion, and the right to die lonely and afraid.
- 1979 - Iran is reformed as an Islamic theocracy, Ayatollah Khomeini bans neckties, brussels sprouts, and looking people in the eye.
- 1990 - Nelson Mandela is released from prison after 27 years, goes on an insane drug-fueled bender before resuming his South African Gandhi imitation.
- 2001 - E-mail which looks like a computer virus ends up being just a picture of tennis player Anna Kournikova.
- 2017 - North Korean ballistic missile headed for Japan deftly dispatched by Katana expert and anime aficionado (Pictured), who teleported behind the rogue ICBM and sliced it in half.
February 12: Undeniably Heterosexual Graeco-Roman Cultural Appreciation Day
- 804 BC - Prometheus (Pictured) steals fire and gives it to humanity, who use it to braise their finest meats.
- 1502 - Queen Isabella I of Castile bans Islam from her kingdom after getting stood up by an uncouth Moroccan.
- 1817 - During the Argentinian and Chilean wars for independence, joint troops cross the Andes mountains; without elephants, they settle for a herd of vicious llamas instead.
- 1912 - Puyi, the last emperor of China, abdicates the throne after the communists steal all the royal rice cakes.
- 1915 - The Lincoln Memorial begins construction, undercover KKK members secretly install a giant mucky swamp right next to it.
- 1947 - Paris becomes the capital of the fashion industry after Dior releases its collection.
- 2016 - Pope Francis and whoever the Orthodox Pope is meet up and try joining forces to finally defeat those dastardly protestants, but their plan is foiled by their numerous ecumenical differences.
February 13: Simple English Day
- 1689 - William and Mary run Damp Islandland with each other, instead of having fights like normal marriage.
- 1880 - Stealy Inventorman finds out about light bulbs from some of his friends, so he steals it and makes lots of money, but loses friends along the way.
- 1960 - Angry wine people, after Damp Islandland gets big explodey mushrooms, decide to make their own big explodey mushrooms.
- 1990 - After drunk commies collapse into a big pile of nothing, Nofunzoneland and East Nofunzoneland come together to have no fun together.
- 1991 - Shooty Shooty Freedomland bombs a shelter and kills 400 innocent sandy people, for looking like the people who will blow up the Twin Towers 10 years from now.
- 2008 - Big Parliament Man of Underland, Kevin Rudd, makes a sorry for his pale people friends killing all the brown people.
- 2017 - Brother of fat, bad Korean rocket man is stuck with poison by murder people, because sometimes, friend, family is hard.
- 2021 - The British watch calmly from the sidelines as Orange Man is acquitted from incitement of insurrection.
February 14: Singles Drink Free Today Only
- 269 AD - St. Valentine is castrated, horsewhipped and disemboweled, and a holiday is named after him because that's what happens when you fall in love anyway.
- 1779 - James Cook is killed in Hawaii, not in the Sandwhich Islands like some believe, because even getting killed on Valentine's day can be a big disappointment.
- 1852 - The first hospital in England opens. During its opening ceremony, sick patients were given typical Valentine's gifts, like typhoid.
- 1876 - Alexander Graham Bell first patents the telephone, insuring that every heartless bastard can look at their phones ringing and ignore it like the selfish mess they are. Just answer me.
- 2000 - The NEAR Shoemaker satellite enters orbit around an asteroid, but it's not the first thing adrift in space to ceaselessly spiral around a cold, dead, emotionally unavailable rock.
- 2005 - Youtube is launched, yet another place for soul-crushing narcissists to share private, personal information to a whole audience of idiots who don't know the whole story, goddammit, you and your vlogs.
- 2011 - As part of the Arab Spring, Bahrain protests government injustice or whatever since rioting feels a whole lot better than getting stood up on Valentine's Day, you ruined my life.
February 15: It Just Got Out Of Hand Day
- 1203 - Genghis Khan loses his temper after losing a mud wrestling match; invades China.
- 1655 - Henry Morgan sacks Panama for England, after Spanish children steal novelty codpiece from Oliver Cromwell.
- 1862 - Ulysses S. Grant attacks Fort Donelson, Tennessee, in retribution for early morning theft of Union toilet paper.
- 1925 - Adolf Hitler writes his fiction novel Mein Kampf. It is interpreted as non-fiction.
- 1933 - Attempted assassination of President-elect Franklin Delano Roosevelt after a particularly sweaty handshake during the campaign.
- 1989 - The Soviet Union leaves Afghanistan, realising that the whole thing just got out of hand.
- 1997 - Starbucks tries a little too hard to out-do everyone else.
- 2008 - People don't seem to appreciate your attitude towards my potato chip situation. (Pictured)
- 2021 - Global warming causes state-wide power outage in Texas; Ted Cruz and family evacuate to Cancún.
February 16: No Human Rights Day
- 1792 - Frenchmen reading Thomas Paine's Rights of Man take lessons to heart by beheading people they disagree with.
- 1859 - In an effort to curb loud noises, the French government passes a law to prevent sounds above 435 hertz from being heard in public.
- 1861 - American Civil War (Pictured) begins with argument over whether black people should be owned and mistreated or just kicked around and mistreated.
- 1991 - Yakov Smirnoff celebrates the dissolution of the Soviet Union by jumping off a cliff.
- 1950 - First time Nineteen Eighty-Four is used in a poorly conceived political metaphor.
- 1989 - Fisher Price wins contract to supply China with toy tanks to run over protesters.
- 2000 - Dick Cheney has sex with a horse, and centaurs are born.
- 2006 - The Republican Party legalizes the hunting of humans, to control overpopulation.
- 2010 - The War on Terror is re-named the War on people looking at you funny.
February 17: Noble Gases Appreciation Day
- 1991 - What the British call the birthdate of their very own version of Jesus.
- 1996 - Gary Kasparov loses a game of chess to a computer, like that's never happened to anyone before.
- 2001 - HAL 9000 kills two dudes in outer space, oh shit I'm sorry I spoiled it for you.
- 2006 - You finally forget about your miserable Valentine's Day, only to be tormented by this reminder.
- 2008 - USA bombs some country after the military finds a few extra bombs hiding in an old pair of pants.
- 2009 - John Prescott is discovered at the corner of downing street in a corset and fish-net tights attempting to whore himself out to passing single parents.
- 2017 - Denmark is officially recognized as a mistake and erased from history.
- 2018 - All world languages are revoked and replaced with American, a language consisting solely of words with one syllable or less
February 18: Penis Day (Tonga)
- 4000 BC - Men discover their hands reach down to their genitals, and there is peace for three thousand years before they get bored and start killing each other with pointy sticks.
- 1791 - American imperialists "liberate" the state of Vermont because of its vast maple syrup reserves.
- 1861 - Jefferson Davis is declared president of the Confederacy after saying the "hard R" N-word fifty times in only six seconds.
- 1885 - Mark Twain's Adventures of Huckleberry Finn is published, its numerous grammatical errors are labelled by the publisher as a regional dialect.
- 1970 - The Chicago Seven are found guilty of being dirty commie hippies who might as well be guilty.
- 2010 - WikiLeaks publishes hundreds of thousands of classified documents revealing exactly where the U.S. keeps its nudes.
February 19: Alt + F4 Day
- 1600 - A volcano explodes in Peru. It's a good first line for a limerick, I guess.
- 1807 - Aaron Burr, former Vice President and guy who shot Alexander Hamilton, is imprisoned for treason; Burr is released following a quadruple rhyming triplet and an emotionally resonant leitmotif allusion.
- 1846 - The State Government of Texas is officially established in Austin, its first act: Mexican food sold within the state must include at least 200% recommended cheese intake.
- 1915 - World War I: The first attack on the Ottomans commences as the Australians attack the shoreline with drop bear reinforcements.
- 1949 - Ezra Pound decides that poetry is the perfect medium for his antisemitism, mostly because Jew can be rhymed with so many other words.
- 1954 - The Soviet Union transfers Crimea from Russian land to Ukraine, which will cause absolutely no problems in future.
- 1985 - EastEnders stars airing in the UK, causing more Brits to be visibly depressed.
- 1792 - The Postal Service is first established, celebration ceremony is accidentally rerouted to San Francisco, Spanish California.
- 1872 - After some harsh wind, the Metropolitan Museum of Art opens its first exhibit, a giant pile of toppled over ceiling scaffolding.
- 1877 - Russian ballet Swan Lake is received poorly by critics after show swans descend into the audience and peck their eyes out.
- 1935 - The first woman to set foot in Antarctica wonders what all the fuss was about.
- 1986 - The Soviet Union launches the space station Mir, cosmonauts test whether communism can work in outer space.
- 2016 - A man in Schenectady, New York is the first person to describe someone's opinion as "hot garbage" (Pictured), is given medal for ruining English.
February 21: Put Off Learning a Foreign Language Day
- 1848 - Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels publish The Communist Manifesto, 100 billion people instantly die.
- 1918 - The last Carolina Parakeet dies after calling the local constable a cracker. (Pictured)
- 1948 - Lazy people create NASCAR to have a sport where you can sit the whole time.
- 1952 - Winston Churchill wonders how he can get away with being such a flaming racist.
- 1965 - Malcom X is assassinated by the Nation of Islam, which is a real Nation of Islam sort of thing to do.
- 2017 - You uninstall the Duolingo app on your phone after you can't commit to 15 minutes of learning Spanish a day. Ay pobrecito.
February 22: International Day of Spam
- 1996 - Need money quick? Need money now? Get a Payday Loan today! It's not like you have a choice you poor piece of shit haha.
- 1998 - Got bills you need to pay? Some student loans looming overhead? Donate some plasma to literal blood-sucking capitalists.
- 1999 - There are hot singles in your area! I don't think you can do anything with that information, I just wanted to tell you.
- 2001 - Retro fans! Buy a complete box set of every movie and television series released during the 1980s, only $25,999.99! comes in fourteen trucks.
- 2005 - Buy the last 49,367 Blu-ray discs of Peter Jackson's opus King Kong, I don't know use it as tinsel it's starting to leak chemicals.
- 2011 - Look like your best self, buy our signature collection of foundation and concealer, made from the ground up bones of the long extinct sea cow.
February 23: Vin Diesel Saying the Word "Family" Day
- 1455 - The Gutenberg Bible is first printed, God brags that he is now a published author.
- 1923 - Werner Heisenberg plans to describe the uncertainty principle to his peers, but is unsure if they'll like it or not.
- 1941 - Scientists first create Plutonium, but instead of getting cool superpowers they just get cancer and die.
- 1947 - The International Organization for Standardization is founded to make Americans feel insecure about the customary system.
- 1999 - Kurdish leader Abdullah Öcalan is sentenced to death by Turkey due to mustache jealousy.
- 2015 - Vin Diesel (Pictured) says the word family so many times it doesn't even sound like a word anymore.
February 24: "I don't care what day it is" Day
- 1803 - In Marbury v Madison, two men named Mr. Marbury and Mr. Madison fight each other with canes, and the Supreme Court decides who wins.
- 1863 - People on their way to California collapse from heat while traveling across the desert, and rather than dying with humanity, they found Arizona.
- 1920 - God decides today is a good day to create Nazis, a few select Germans suddenly feel an unusual aversion to international Jewry.
- 1942 - Aliens attack the city of Los Angeles! (Pictured) They're confused for Japanese soldiers due to racism.
- 1978 - Five men disappear after attending a college basketball game in California. The bodies of four of them were actually clones of the same person.
- 2007 - Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe launches a spy satellite to perv on Kim Jong-un's sister, Kim Yo-jong.
- 2008 - Fidel Castro retires, spends the rest of his days smoking cigars and laughing at assassination attempts.
February 25: Gangrene Appreciation Day
- 1863 - Civil War surgeons discover a cure for gangrene, a rusty hacksaw and a stick to bite on.
- 1901 - J. P. Morgan becomes a billionaire after inventing the now world-renowned overdraft protection fee.
- 1945 - Turkey declares war on Germany. A little late to the party but every little thing helps.
- 1964 - Kim Il-sung turns North Korea into a verdant paradise, a utopia masquerading as a third-world country. It's basically an Asian Wakanda.
- 1991 - The Warsaw pact is officially abolished, thus ushering in a new era of peace and stability in Europe for a whole two hours.
- 1992 - The Khojaly Massacre occurs, part of an ongoing conflict between Armenia and Azerbaijan over the enclave of Nagorno-Karabakh aaaaaand you're asleep. Okay.
February 26: Famous Last Words Day
- 323 BC - “You assholes better not split up my Empire right after I die.” – Alexander the Great
- 1642 - “Sticking up for your beliefs ain't worth it kids.” – Galileo Galilei
- 1900 - “I should probably say something clever and biting yet also moving and oh shit my spleen.” – Oscar Wilde
- 1945 - “I can't move my legs, oh God I can't move my legs! Nah, I'm just fucking with you.” – Franklin D. Roosevelt
- 1955 - “Oh Scheiße, meine windel ist voll! Oh Gott, ich spüre, wie die wässrigen Poop-Flüssigkeiten meine hose hinunterrinnen.” – Albert Einstein
- 1963 - “Feels kinda stuffy, let's take down the roof of the car, will ya?” – John F. Kennedy
- 1968 - “Maybe there's still hope for white people after all.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.
- 1994 - “I still don't get why they called me tricky dick. My name's Richard, not tricky.” – Richard Nixon
- 2001 - “Goddamnit, maybe that seatbelt was a good idea after all.” – Dale Earnhardt
- 2025 - “Alright, time to pull out this pack of ciggies-- now, which kind of petrol did I need?” – You
February 27: Making Banjo Noises With Your Mouth Day
- 1812 - Lord Byron writes a poem about the coy and inviting aroma of his own flatulence.
- 1860 - Abraham Lincoln makes a speech so angry and divisive it causes the Civil War, shame on you Mr. Lincoln.
- 1870 - Emperor Meiji of Japan spills marinara sauce on a white sheet, has a great idea for his country's flag.
- 1972 - Duh duh dum dum dum dum dum dum dum, duh duh dum dum dum dum dum dum dum...
- 1991 - George H.W. Bush takes over Iraq, as a gift to his son and future funnyman president, George W.
- 2007 - The Shanghai Stock Exchange falls 9% in one day, the economy might have been ruined were it not for the immortal ghost of Mao Tse-Tung.
- 2013 - Pope Benedict XVI resigns from the Papacy after 'accidentally' liking 39 Playboy posts and commenting 12 times.
- 2015 - Russian politician Boris Nemtsov dies after shooting himself in the back twenty-three times and stuffing himself inside a concrete-filled duffel bag.
February 28: Finnish Cultural Appreciation Day
- 1835 - The Finnish Tourism Board publishes the Kalevala, an obvious ripoff of Tolkien, and declares the day a national holiday.
- 1847 - American forces nearly capture the Mexican town of Chihuahua, but are quickly torn to shreds by packs of those selfsame canines.
- 1935 - Nylon is invented, to fill the niche of fabrics that don't sufficiently chafe your nipples.
- 1939 - The word dord is unjustly removed from the dictionary by pernicious grammarians with no sense of humor.
- 1991 - The Gulf War ends, troops glad they never have to go back to Iraq or the Middle East ever again.
- 1993 - The ATF lay siege to a cult compound in Waco, Texas, decide to use guns instead of trebuchets.
February 29: I'm Not Five Years Old Dylan Shut The Fuck Up Day
- 1504 - Christopher Columbus predicts the Lunar Eclipse to scare natives into giving him shit, proving that astronomy should never be done by Italians.
- 1940 - Hattie McDaniel becomes the first African American to win an Oscar for her role as "Mammy" in Gone With The Wind; mixed feelings ensue.
- 1948 - Ken Foree, of Kenan & Kel fame, is born: world peace achieved for thirty minutes.
- 2012 - The Japanese finish construction of the Tokyo Skytree, which is obviously just a giant broadcast tower and not, say, the dormant state of a sleeping mecha.
- 2016 - People born on February 29th, 1932, finally celebrate their first legal drink: they then die of liver failure.
- 2025 - People born today realize everyone they've ever fucked is on the registry. Sorry.
March 1: International Grue Day
- 1950 - Grues are first discovered living under couch cushions and inside tumble dryers.
- 1964 - Grue farmers release a whole colony of Grues into the wild, to hunt them for their silky and fragrant hide.
- 1972 - Louisiana Grue hunter and businessman Phil Robertson invents the Grue Call a whistle which imitates the dulcet mating call of the Grue.
- 1974 - While protesting the selling of Grue hide, one hippie is accidentally eaten by a Grue. It was a one time thing, they only do that when they're hungry.
- 1981 - The Grue population enters a rapid decline due to overhunting and a government campaign to vilify the grue.
- 1999 - The Grue Relations through Understanding and Empathy (GRUE) organization is formed to combat harmful memes about Grues and their supposed danger to society.
- 2001 - GRUE are all eaten by grues.
March 2: International Genderflip Cartoon Characters Day
- 1797 - The Bank of England issues the country's first currency to feature a smug, grinning monarch.
- 1867 - First Reconstruction laws: replaces slavery with "technically-not-slavery", which is not slavery. Technically.
- 1917 - The people of Puerto Rico are granted U.S. citizenship, to make the colonial exploitation that much more painful.
- 1946 - President Ho Chi Minh is declared "most likely to ferment Communist insurrection" in high school yearbook.
- 1961 - John F. Kennedy starts the Peace Corps, a secret CIA project to dump potentially troubling bleeding-heart hippies abroad.
- 1995 - Yahoo! is created, Nintendo immediately sues the site for stealing Mario's orgasm sound.
- 2017 - Scientists discover a side-effect of watching Guy Fieri (Pictured) marathons on the Food Network: severe internal bleeding.
March 3: Beat Strangers to Death With a Lead Pipe Day
- 1800's - The inventor of modern pizza gets brutally hit with a comically large rock, it was not a welcoming "per favore".
- 1938 - Oil is discovered in Saudi Arabia, camel herders use it as a garnish for their camel steaks.
- 1972 - Jethro Tull releases an album based on what they consider "the most epic poem they've ever read in their life".
- 1991 - An amateur video captures Rodney King rudely getting in the way of an LAPD officer's jackbooted foot.
- 1992 - The practice of beating strangers to death with lead pipes (Pictured) first emerges in Post-Soviet Belarus.
- 2007 - A misplaced comma found in the 1st edition of Infinite Jest haunts David Foster Wallace for the rest of his days.
- 2017 - Nintendo releases the Nintendo Switch, a device used to preoccupy your little brothers while you wash the pots and pans.
- 2018 - The UN bans the practice of beating strangers to death with lead pipes, due to concerns about lead poisioning, and advises everyone to instead follow David Harbour's instructions for dealing with strangers.
March 4: Galileo Galileo Galileo Figaro
- 1849 - Mama, just killed a man, put a gun against his head, pulled my trigger now he's dead.
- 1852 - Mama, life had just begun, but now I've gone and thrown it all away.
- 1855 - Mama, ooh, didn't mean to make you cry, if I'm not back again this time tomorrow.
- 1861 - Carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters.
- 1862 - Too late, my time has come, sending shivers down my spine, bodies aching all the time.
- 1865 - Goodbye, everybody, I've got to go, gotta leave you all behind and face the truth.
- 1874 - Mama, ooh, I don't want to die, sometimes I wish I'd never been born at all.
March 5: Jump to the Beat of the Party Line Day (Turkey)
- 1914 - Preparations for the wildest party known to mankind are well on their way
- 1947 - The wildest party known to mankind begins today, death tolls are still rising.
- 1991 - Emperor George Bush, Sr. takes over all of the Americas, except Hawaii.
- 1999 - The party almost stops over fear of the Y2K Bug. Then someone gets a fly swatter. Party continues.
- 2006 - Party nearly ends due to sudden Bird Flu epidemic. Ends with Bird Flu being deported to Britain and the death of Big Bird. Party Continues.
- 2008 - Aliens invade the Eastern Seaboard, destroying the cities of New York and Washington, D.C., party suspended until Will Smith blows up their mothership.
- 2148 - End of the World, the Turks party in Heaven, with Allah, Buddha and Jesus.
March 6: Roadkill Appreciation Day (North America & Australia)
- 3500 BC - In the first recorded instance of roadkill, Egyptian Pharaoh Ramses IV hits a small cat with his chariot. Shameful.
- 1869 - The first historical instance of so-called "cannibal roadkill" occurs when a horse-drawn buggy strikes a horse pulling a second buggy.
- 1934 - Hitler runs over a small ferret in his Volkswagen, precipitating his later invasion of Poland.
- 1962 - Julia Childs releases a groundbreaking roadkill culinary masterpiece titled Treadmarks and Tarragon.
- 1969 - President Nixon continues the Road Kill bombing over Vietnam.
- 1990 - Road Kill is officially the new Mystery Meat in school lunches.
- 1995 - Steve Ballmer runs over my dog after yelling at the top of his lungs "I'm going to fucking bury that dog. I've done it before and I will do it again. I'm going to Fucking Kill that dog."
March 7: Talk Like Caveman Day
- 11,000 BC - Grog think very hard and make up number coming after two, called like "tree" but dumb: Grog pummeled with many rock for wasting everybody's time.
- 9800 BC - All the mammoths are burned to death by Grog, his friends pelt him with poop since they have no food, but now there is no poop to eat either.
- 2580 BC - Grog's best friend Enkidu seduced by city-slicker propaganda, play dress up as civilized instead of sucking on rocks and eating bugs like good old days.
- 2500 BC - Grog sandboards down the slope of the Pyramids, is detained and put on cave arrest.
- 1309 AD - Grog is happy and healthy in cave, while stupid civilized people die of Cholera and Plague, at least until Grog eat juicy rat.
- 1995 - Unabomber say modern gizmos bad for soul of humanity, but Grog have smelly green leg and must punch antelope to death everyday for breakfast so what does he know.
March 8: International Men Without Penises Day
- 4000 BC - God creates Eve, Adam celebrates that he doesn't have to keep stroking it by himself.
- 4001 BC - Eve forces Adam to sleep outside the hut after expecting free handies without anything in return.
- 1919 - Women marching on Washington, D.C. seeking the right to vote cite Oscar Wilde's play A Woman of No Importance as an example of misogynistic views.
- 1935 - Sophia blesses the women of the Earth by giving them the G-Spot, although men are cursed to never find it.
- 1977 - Your mother is born. According to statistics, she likely experiences 18-34 years of relative ease before you are born.
- 2025 - Losers on 4chan and Reddit rant about how they never got the girl of their dreams (Pictured), despite being "nice guys."
March 9: National "Shit We Forgot to Celebrate Your Birthday" Day (Canada)
- 400 BC - Noted Greek scholar and intellectual Hypocrites denounces extravagant living from his posh ninety-acre woodland mansion.
- 1862 - First American Civil War battle between two Ironclad ships ends in draw after the CSS Virginia argues the war was about "economics, not slavery" as if the two topics are separate.
- 1982 - Time travel party is announced three weeks ago in Baltimore, scientists declare that time travelers don't like Maryland very much.
- 1994 - Bill Gates announces invention of a method that lets men hold handbags without looking "super gay", men clamor for secret.
- 1996 - Secret to holding handbag like a man revealed: tie the strap around your balls and swing the handbag around like a flail. Cowardly men invent the extra-large pants pocket instead.
March 10: Opposite Day
- 1810 - For opposite day, Napoleon Bonaparte decides to wear stilts or something I don't know.
- 1922 - Gandhi, in a fit of anger, nukes the peaceful country of East Volta. You've never heard of East Volta? Exactly.
- 1952 - Cuban dictator Fulgencio Batista decides to celebrate opposite day by taking the land and wealth from the poor instead of the rich.
- 1977 - Astronomers discover the rings of Uranus, they of course keep their cool since they pronounce it "Urine-us" like a bunch of nerds. Still sounds like pee though.
- 1994 - O.J. Simpson makes history, becomes the first African-American man to get away with the murder of a rich white woman, signalling monumental progress for people of color who also happen to be filthy rich.
- 2011 - Tiny politically unstable oil-rich Middle Eastern country drone strikes a wedding in Tulsa, Oklahoma.
- 2020 - Donald Trump blacks out his Twitter page for BLM.
March 11: Stop Hitting Yourself Day (Mexico)
- 536 - Pope Agapetus I roasts the first Easter Bunny in what becomes a spring tradition to Christians the world over.
- 1876 - The Industrial revolution makes its first major breakthrough with the invention of the Steam-Powered Accordian.
- 1943 - Anne Frank runs out of pencil lead on her mechanical pencil, has to use pen like a barbarian.
- 1990 - Lithuania declares independence from the Soviet Union, kills thousands of innocent Lenin statues.
- 2004 - Hundreds of bucking bulls are accidentally released onto the streets of Madrid during that tomato throwing festival, carnage ensues.
- 2006 - Adobe Potatochop is released and quickly becomes the most popular image-editing software among people with too much time on their hands.
- 2012 - In accordance with ancient Mayan prophecy, space-time collapses in upon itself.
March 12: Indecent Exposure Day
- 1504 - Michelangelo's David lambasted by contemporary Italian critics for being insufficiently endowed (Pictured).
- 1923 - Mankind declares war on the rainforest after a tree lands on my infant boy, you are dead to me trees dead to me.
- 1962 - Beach bums take over much of Southern California, rendering it uninhabitable for decades.
- 1982 - Hospital administrators announce that disco has slipped into a coma and not expected to survive.
- 1994 - The Church of England allows women to become priests, but only on Sundays.
- 2011 - A Nuclear power plant in Japan explodes after massive earthquake and tsunami, Japanese children are born kinda fat now: coincidence?
March 13: Sunday the 13th
- 1260 BC - God decrees the Ten Commandments (Pictured), but due to complicated legal machinations all the rules apply to only one guy named Thou.
- 1639 - Harvard College is opened, offers Bachelor's degrees in stone stacking and bloodletting.
- 1781 - After years of deep and intense probing, William Herschel discovers Uranus, a dark and dimly lit gas planet.
- 1947 - The first murmurings of Holocaust denial denial surface when the existence of a Holocaust denial group in Geneva, Switzerland is questioned.
- 1991 - The Maury Povich Show first airs, entertaining people who think they're too good for Jerry Springer, but are at least self-aware enough not to like Dr. Phil.
- 2013 - Pope Francis is elected as the newest Pope of the Catholic Church after promising the bishops one Sunday off a month.
March 14: American π Day
- 27 AD - Greeks fight valiantly against Russell Crowe in a vast gladiatorial event to define π as the ratio of the circumference of a circle divided by its radius.
- 435 AD - Pope Sixtus III denouces π, claiming it to be the work of Satan, as a number which never ends seems too cruel for a loving God to have made.
- 1603 - "American" Apple pie actually invented by the Aztecs, used as aphrodisiac.
- 1707 - The Physics Act of 1707 defines π to be 22/7, which scientists of the era proclaim as close enough.
- 1891 - The pie chart is first invented, sadly, the original prototype has long since been eaten. Future pie charts are now inedible.
- 2004 - The day Krabs fries
- 2005 - The Kansas Board of Education restores pi to its traditional value of three and a bit, stating, "Certain features of the universe are best explained by an intelligent cause, not an undirected process such as mathematics."
- 2020 - A resident of New York City passes away after contracting the π virus.
March 15: Julius Caesar's Deathday
- 44 BC - Julius Caesar is stabbed to death by a conspiracy of the Roman Senate, his last words: "Oww Jesus fuck!" (Pictured)
- 1493 - Christopher Columbus returns to Spain after his first voyage to the New World. "What's that blood in your shoe?" asks Queen Isabella.
- 1917 - Tsar Nicholas II abdicates his throne, hopes to retire to a nice dingy basement with the rest of his family.
- 1952 - During a performance of 4'33", composer John Cage is heckled by the audience as a pretentious, lazy gasbag. Their heckling by definition becomes part of 4'33", and therefore a meta-commentary on itself: Cage is hailed as a creative genius.
- 1965 - President Lyndon B. Johnson advocates the Voting Rights Act as part of a fiendish Marxist ploy to get non-white people to vote and stuff.
- 2000 - Y2K doomsayers are just about ready to confess that they were mistaken, until they hear about the sexy new year of 2012.
March 16: International Toaster Day
- 1066 - Soldiers in the Battle of Hastings from both the Norman and English sides are set upon by wild toasters, less than two hundred survive.
- 1823 - Famed peanut maestro George Washington Carver sets out on an expedition to the California Redwood forests to study toasters.
- 1843 - The first toaster ranch is established in Peyote, Wyoming, with over three dozen domestic toasters.
- 1883 - PETA (People for Ethical Toaster Advocacy) protest against the cruel practice of hunting toasters as a recreational sport.
- 1931 - During construction of the Empire State Building, a fossil of a Tyrannotoasterus is unearthed, sparking interest in the new field of Toasteropaleontology.
- 1975 - A toaster escaping from a traveling circus in Alabama escapes captivity and mauls four people and dozens of raw bread slices before being killed by local Appliance Control authorities.
March 17: Lucky Charms Appreciation Day
- 461 AD - The patron saint of Ireland, Saint Patrick, uses the three-leaved shamrock to explain the concept of the trinity: he is later stoned to death for Modalism.
- 1848 - In the middle of the Great Irish Potato Famine, England tells Ireland to eat their young.
- 1939 - The Americans mock the Irish by dyeing large bodies of water green, as a metaphor for what the Irish do to the gene pool.
- 1955 - Irish-Americans appropriate this day as a celebration of Irish culture, still keep the public drinking and lake pollution.
- 2006 - The start of a new St. Paddy's tradition: trying to pause that scene in The Departed where Jack Nicholson shows off his erect penis.
- 2010 - St. Patrick's Day loses all connection to Ireland, becomes holiday dedicated solely to turning water green: man-made algae blooms kill 99% of all ocean life.
- 51,000 BC - World Happiness Day is declared with a series of rhythmic grunts when two homo erecti discover fire.
- 1906 - Pope declares suicide a mortal sin, worse than butt sex, watching anime and murder.
- 1953 - Senator Joseph McCarthy briefly bans Kitten Huffing, but later retracts said decree, claiming he "was high off [his] ass."
- 1954 - Scientists fist discover the Moon, they later find out it wasn't really the Moon they discovered, but the Sun.
- 1985 - Australia's version of EastEnders premieres to the public, however, it made Aussies more happier than expected.
- 1993 - The Sun tells scientists it and earth should "Just be friends," the sun promises to call every few weeks.
- 2008 - After numerous requests by the American public, God finally damns It, It is never found.
- 2016 - A rerun of the smash hit TV show Full House is shown around the world, millions kill themselves, unable to stand the torture.
March 19: Peanut Allergy Awareness Day (U.S.)
- 1649 - Bengal Death cultists breed a strain of peanut that is fatal to a tiny percentage of the population, for they believe the souls of those who die by the peanut are raised again to fight for their goddess Kali.
- 1877 - The first child to die of a peanut allergy is called a giant pussy by teachers and school staff instead of getting medical attention.
- 1931 - Gambling is legalized in Nevada, first casino game is like Russian Roulette, except the gun shoots peanut powder, and rat poison.
- 1962 - Bob Dylan releases his first album, Nutmeg. The cover actually smells like peanuts and not nutmeg.
- 1994 - Congress passes the Allergy Awareness Act, which legally puts the onus of responsibility on You to cater to everyone's allergy problems. Sort your fridge asshole.
- 2008 - Vince from Slap Chop accidentally gets his testicles trapped in the butterfly mechanism of his Slap Chop.
- 2018 - Parents protest animated movie Peter Rabbit after the titular character chokeslams the allergic antagonist into an industrial vat of peanut butter.
March 20: Procrasturbation Day
- 1602 - The Dutch East India company is founded, paving the way for the trade of such goods as sugar, spices, human slaves, and additional sugar.
- 1815 - After escaping from his exile in Elba using cheese, cocked berets, and other French sterotypes, Napoleon Bonaparte begins his "Hundred Days" Rule.
- 1833 - Honest Jim starts his career out by selling his grandfather's false teeth back to him at nine times their original value.
- 1852 - Hariet Beecher Stowe's Uncle Tom's Cabin was published, setting racial equality back about seventy-five years.
- 1883 - Eleven counties signed the Paris Convention for the Protection of Industrial Property, strictly outlawing the trade of ideas, dreams.
- 1914 - The first international Figure Skating World Championships take place in Connecticut. The losers maintain their dignity.
- 1984 - Dungeons & Dragons hits a new high note with the introduction of the Stock Broker playable character set, including Briefcase of Monotony and +2 Ballpoint Pen.
March 21: Vernal Equinox... Probably
- 5 AD - The first recorded instance of the question "What Would Jesus Do?" occurs when his mother asks what he wants for breakfast.
- 1890 - Oscar Wilde pens his novel The Picture of Dorian Gray in the vicinity of one of his favorite sources of inspiration, a kitchen sink.
- 1919 - The Treaty of Versailles is dictated to several secretaries, ending World War I. One of them is a German spy and covertly adds a clause mandating a sequel.
- 1931 - The electric guitar is introduced, resulting in the genre of Rock 'n Roll being born and enjoying its peak during the Great Depression.
- 1943 - In the last recorded mounted cavalry charge, soldiers on horseback from Austria-Hungary charge a battalion of Russian tanks and succeed in destroying 80% of them using only their broadswords and ceremonial poofy hats.
- 1993 - The first video is uploaded on the internet: a skin flute performance.
March 22: World Water Day
- 1621 - The Pilgrims promise the Indians that they're just peaceful settlers here to eat corn and wear lily white breeches.
- 1874 - Slavery is abolished in Puerto Rico, replaced with mandatory sugarcane harvest fun time.
- 1945 - The Arab League are formed to guarantee peace in the region for the next several minutes.
- 1993 - The United Nations passes a resolution to conserve fresh water (Pictured), tells Americans to shit on the floor instead of on the toilet.
- 2013 - My Chemical Romance disbands, Gerard Way pursues solo career, apparently.
- 2016 - Carl's Jr. ordered to end "sexy" ad campaign cus dudes just want to fuck the burger.
- 2018 - Water bottle companies start selling diluted drain cleaner as Alkaline Water.
March 23: Take Your Fish To Work Day
- 139 AD - Roman historian Erraticus publishes the fourth version of Life of Trajan, this one portaying Trajan as an emperor and retracting the previous version's claims that Trajan was a talking donkey.
- 1097 - St. Peter's Basilica was first used outside of the Vatican city during the first Crusades.
- 1952 - Beloved British children's author Enid Blyton publishes her most famous work, The Three Golliwogs. Please don't google it.
- 1956 - Pakistan declares itself to be an Islamic Republic, which is like the Old Republic except without the Jedi.
- 1962 - Dozens of women march on Washington D.C. to politely request feminine rights, their husbands sit at home without their supper.
- 1974 - The last dirty liberal is sent to serve in the Vietnam War, rendering America a perfect utopia of conservatives for nearly eighteen months.
March 24: International Do-It-Yourself Day
- 1857 - Oscar Wilde pens his story The Soul of Man under Socialism while under something else.
- 1943 - Jackson Pollock unveils his long-awaited third exhibition, featuring the classic Angsty Orange Tiger.
- 1964 - The ping pong incident occurs at my high school, and will torment me for over forty years until my son avenges me.
- 1991 - The first child is admitted to the hospital for Phonics addiction in the beginning of a nation-wide pandemic, resulting in thousands of kids becoming 'hooked'.
- 1994 - Kitty porn makes its first appearance on the primitive internet.
- 2007 - The first human trials of Neuroipods suffer drawbacks when a vast majority of test subjects contract iEllepsy.
- 2010 - Sarah Palin kicks off the first annual Alaskan Sasquatch Appreciation Day.
March 25: International Moose Preservation Day
- 26 AD - The Pontius Pilot is released in Rome, now Roman citizens can plan their Crucifixions from the comfort of their own villas.
- 1763 - The oboe is created in France, right before it drowns to the underworld being the only last remnant of France existant.
- 1847 - The Slate industry in Wales suffers a sharp decline after import tariffs on seriously why are you still reading this sentence go to bed.
- 1929 - The stock market crashes, putting an end to the Roaring 20's, and ushering the Squeaking 30's.
- 1950 - The Spanish Inquisition, the television adaptation based on the historical event, makes its debut on Fox quite unexpectedly.
- 1990 - The case of Pot v. Kettle goes to the Mississippi Court of Appeals.
- 2003 - Black & Decker begin preliminary research into self-toasting bread, but their prototypes end up incinerating the stomachs of consumers.
- 2005 - Moose preservation is celebrated on the internet for the first time.
March 26: Fast Food Day (U.S.)
- 1845 - Fast food, then called fasting from food, is invented in Ireland: millions starve due to new trend.
- 1940 - First McDonald's restaurant opens in San Bernardino, California, life expectancy drops to levels unseen since the Civil War.
- 1965 - Fox in Socks, the first depiction of a modern-day rap battle, is published by Dr. Seuss.
- 1994 - After complaints from vegans, McDonald's switches from beef fat to vegetable oil for their fries, vegans celebrate, give money to company that kills millions of cows.
- 1997 - Someone orders an iced coffee from Starbucks, destroys the economies of three South American countries.
- 2011 - McDonald's attempts to make Happy Meals healthier, billions of apple slices rot inside their teeny plastic bags.
- 2016 - New FCC regulations on misleading advertising forces Carl's Jr. to release new 30 second ad of a fat man crying, alone.
- 2018 - Wendy's delivers epic clapback against dumb bitch on twitter with sesame seed allergy.
- 1513 - Spanish explorer Juan Ponce de León searches Florida for the Fountain of Youth, finds a Marshalls next to a Randalls next to another Marshalls.
- 1915 - Mary Mallon, nicknamed Typhoid Mary since her name is Mary and she gives people Typhoid, is detained by the authorities after killing like fifty people.
- 1921 - Activists from the group "Justice for Mary Mallon" die of typhoid after Mary prepares them all a lovely Peach Melba. (Pictured)
- 1998 - The head of the FDA recommends that men suffering from premature ejaculation just "think about your dad."
- 1999 - A Lockheed F-117 Nighthawk is shot down over Serbia by a Slav wielding an evil glare.
- 2014 - The Moro Islamic Liberation Front agrees to ceasefire with Philippines government while they figure out what's so fucking hilarious about their name.
March 28: Turkey—the Country, not the Bird—Day
- 1453 - Constantinople wants to reinvent itself, changes name to Istanbul, but honestly everyone preferred Byzantium.
- 1784 - Benjamin Franklin proposes that the humble turkey be the national bird of the United States, since it's got a big juicy ass.
- 1871 - French revolutionaries form the Paris Commune, nascent leadership quickly devolves into squabbling over the finer points of Marx's Critique of the Gotha Program before getting skewered by French troops.
- 1979 - A nuclear meltdown in Three Mile Island, Pennsylvania actually mutates the population of Pittsburgh closer to normal.
- 1990 - George W. Bush gives the late Jesse Owens the Presidential Medal of Freedom, Bush now says he has black friend.
- 2018 - The traitor Gülen (Pictured) sits on his remote and changes the channel seconds before the climax to his favorite soap; God is with us brothers.
March 29: National Treason Day
- 30 AD - Judas Iscariot betrays his best friend Jesus for a Coke, gets a Pepsi from the Sanhedrin instead. Heartbroken, he hangs himself.
- 1792 - King Gustav III of Sweden is assassinated when conspirators remove the structural dowels in his HATTEFJÄLL office chair.
- 1847 - American troops sack the Mexican city of Veracruz, steal the secrets of the fish taco from its denizens.
- 1857 - Indian Sepoys mutiny against the British after being forced to endure their take on Indian cuisine.
- 1951 - Julius and Ethel Rosenberg are arrested for giving the Soviet Union secrets of the nuclear family.
- 1973 - William Calley, U.S. Army officer responsible for the My Lai Massacre, is given numerous high-fives for his "epic" K/D ratio.
- 2019 - The United Kingdom leaves the EU, as per the deal, the entire British Isles will be towed into the Bermuda Triangle.
March 30: International Cleavage Day
- 13B BC - God creates the Milky Way after squeezing stellar matter out of her insanely big knockers.
- 1692 - Twelve women are burned at the stake for inciting men to sin with their exposed bra straps.
- 1867 - America buys Alaska from the Russians because of its stiff Mountain peaks and vast tracts of fertile land.
- 1945 - Woman wears clothing that shows cleavage. The husband beats her.
- 1950 - The first film in Indonesia gets released, known for having at least one uncensored boob scene.
- 1977 - Marvel Comics designs a bra with a nipple window, claims its a proud Kryptonian tradition.
- 2012 - Big butts are now in! But you still can't be more than 120 pounds. Hey, I don't make the rules.
March 31: Condom Appreciation Day
- 4000 BC - Babylonians create the first wooden condoms (Pictured), resulting in much fewer unexpected pregnancies and many, many, many more splinter-related injuries.
- 1865 - The modern condom is introduced, consisting of sheep stomach lining coated with sulfuric acid. It is quixotically not well received.
- 1939 - With the invention of latex, the modern modern condom is introduced, single handedly ending the Great Depression.
- 1961 - Condoms are mentioned on television for the first time, in an episode of The Flintstones entitled Put It Back In.
- 1970 - National No-Condom decade kicks off at Studio 69 in New York City.
- 2009 - The Pope claims that condoms increase the number of people with AIDS in sub-Saharan Africa, in a similar manner to how exercise is unhealthy and cheeseburgers eat people.
- 1926 - April Emily Fools is born to Herb and Emma Fools in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
- 1938 - At the age of twelve, Fools first shows an interest in baking when she helps her grandmother bake cookies.
- 1944 - Fools lands her first job, working at a tank tread manufacturing plant in downtown Milwaukee.
- 1949 - After a lengthy engagement, April marries Albert Cranston in Madison, Wisconsin.
- 1952 - Upon the suggestion of a friend, April begins a small baked goods business from her own kitchen.
- 1955 - April and Albert welcome their first child into the world: Richard Cranston, named after his paternal grandfather.
- 1957 - The Cranston family welcomes their second child, Judy.
- 1971 - April enjoys what she would later describe as "the rush of a lifetime" after appearing on a local television program instructing children how to bake brownies.
- 1978 - Albert and April become grandparents to Henry Cranston.
- 1994 - April Emily Fools-Cranston passes away in her hometown of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. The Milwaukee Herald declares her birthday a national holiday.
- 2022 - In honor of April, Morbius is released, raking in morbillions at the box office and boosting her family's trust to guarantee the continued support of the April Fools Baking Institute for years to come.
April 2: National Refrigerator Day (Paraguay)
- 1111 - The Knights Templar are formed as a clandestine drinking society, take things a little too far.
- 1942 - Classic arcade title 1942 developed as shoot 'em up, rights to year are purchased by Capcom, to the chagrin of some cranky veterans.
- 1983 - Science is invented by accident, and is quickly swept under the carpet.
- 1984 - Miniluv put crimethink proles into fridge, remake them goodthink fullwise.
- 2001 - The mailman bangs your mom, but she's her own person, you can't control who she loves.
- 2002 - The U.S. Kitten Embargo begins as part of The War Against Terror (Pictured), countless Iraqi kittens deported.
- 2012 - The number two renamed second one.
April 3: Vivaldi Appreciation Day
- 1220 - Rampaging crusaders drive a trebuchet through the walls of two towers in Ancient Syria.
- 1666 - Sir Marquis Baron Vivaldi walks to the crossroad and sells his soul to Satan
- 1888 - Vivaldi composes new record "A Change of Four Seasons", inspired by regressive metal band Dream Theater.
- 1945 - Scientists discover that if you play John Cage's 4'33" backward you'll hear someone cough, but backwards.
- 1974 - Tornadoes sweep the U.S.A, inspiring the invention of the tumble drier.
- 1986 - D.J. murder rate at all-time high, blamed on the provocative lyrics of The Smiths.
- 1996 - Ted Kaczynski, the Unabomber, is arrested for crimes against tasteful nomenclature, and killing like six people.
April 4: National No Spamming Day (Iraq)
- 3141 BC - The world's first great pi was baked. It took years to eat.
- 1949 - Iceland's blundered declaration of war on the USA leads to the accidental formation of NATO.
- 1503 - Disneyland Central America opens in the Aztec city of Tenochtitlan.
- 1975 - You really should have bought shares in Microsoft, which was formed on this day.
- 1984 - President Ronald Reagan calls for an international ban on something or other, oh hell I can't remember. (Pictured)
- 2001 - The butterfly effect is proved in an ingenious experiment, causing devastating hurricane damage in China.
- 2002 - Actor Mickey Rooney begins his process of decomposition.
April 5: National Bullying Day (Scotland)
- 1614 - Pocahontas sells life story to Disney for a handful of plastic beads
- 1640 - King Charles I of England disbands the Short Parliament because "Who cares what happens to short people?"
- 1945 - USSR deploys troops in Yugoslavia to act as security at TATU gig.
- 1955 - Winston Churchill gives up politics and goes into insurance.
- 1979 - Robin dies of Bat-AIDs, a grieving Batman later patents the first Bat-Condoms.
- 1992 - Several hundred thousand abortion rights demonstrators march on top of babies in Washington D.C.
- 2000 - Global warming is first linked to the phenomenon of climate change.
April 6: Arson Wednesday (New Zealand)
- 612 - Arab popstar Mohammed declares he is "more popular than Jesus now."
- 1522 - Mary had a little lamb. Yankee Doodle claims to be father.
- 1593 - John Greenwood, English Congregationalist, hanged. His last words: "Get this fucking rope off of me!"
- 1935 - AT&T formed. Its first disgruntled customer is created moments later.
- 1955 - Hell freezes over, Devil forced to skate to work.
- 1974 - ABBA wins Eurovision, marking the beginning of the Mamma Mia Invasion.
- 1985 - Video games are first cited as a precursor to juvenile delinquency.
- 1994 - Kurt Cobain's attempt to win a posthumous Grammy backfires tragically.
- 1999 - Chinese Democracy is released and subsequently pulled off shelves after the U.S. Government denies reports of its existence.
- 33 AD - Jesus Christ arrives in Jerusalem on the back of a humble velociraptor. (Pictured)
- 1078 - The first ever Battle of Hastings re-enactment is fought, Normans complain about historically inaccurate armor.
- 1544 - Queen Elizabeth I starts her famous celebrity gossip column in The Times of London.
- 1906 - Mt. Vesuvius erupts due to a bout of tectonic indigestion, kindly Italian grandmas douse the volcano with olive oil.
- 1940 - Booker T. Washington becomes the first African-American to be featured in a postage stamp, racists unsure how to mail their letters of complaint.
- 1948 - The World Health Organization is created by the UN, to act as the inept organization in movies that fails to stop the zombie apocalypse.
April 8: International Things That Rhyme With "Bat" Day
- 563 BC - Buddha is born. Under a tree he sat.
- 432 BC - Artemus of Capadocia introduces kitten huffing to the world when he huffs a small cat.
- 67 AD - Pliny the Elder records the first instance of fortune telling through analysis of scat.
- 1612 - A new sport is introduced when Swedish people use a cannon to launch a rat.
- 1935 - FDR signs Emergency Relief Appropriation Act, then dances a jig and falls flat.
- 1998 - Another explosion occurs in the usually serene inlet of Michael Bay, sounding like this: splat.
- 2006 - Conservapedia is founded and its editors try to prove that the Earth is flat.
- 2011 - Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal proves himself to be a twat.
April 9: Stereotype Dismissal Day (France)
- 1812 - Pretentiousness makes its first appearance in Victorian England.
- 1865 - Confederate General Robert E. Lee surrenders himself to Union General Ulysses S. Grant. The two later wed in Vermont.
- 1905 - The famous Bacon and Cheese Sandwich is envisioned; planning takes several months. (Pictured)
- 1940 - Germany invades Norway and Denmark, Sweden feels left out.
- 1947 - A tornado in the states of Texas, Oklahoma and Kansas sends over 181 people to the land of Oz.
April 10: Smoke-'em-if-ya-got-'em Day
- 1490 - Juan Ponce de León discovers the Fountain of Youth in Florida, shrugs and sets up a retirement community around it.
- 1919 - Colombian guerrilla lord Juan Valdez invents coffee. (Pictured)
- 1926 - Polio victim FDR still can't feel his legs, So he feels up Lucy Mercer instead.
- 1952 - Kellogg's Cereals introduces Atomic-O's claiming that there are "Vitamins, minerals and Uranium-235 in each glowing bite."
- 1996 - Michael Jackson admits he turned white to get a pay raise.
- 2007 - Hundreds hurt after Easter Markdown Days Sale stampede at the K-Mart in Gritlyville, Missouri. "Oh, the humanity!"
- 2012 - Al Gore drops out of presidential race after revealing photos of him and Michael Moore trading carbon offsets is published in Der Spiegel.
April 11: "Fuck You John Milton" Day (U.K.)
- 1492 - First slice of buttered toast thrown into someone's face.
- 1667 - The blind, impoverished John Milton (Pictured) sells the copyright of Paradise Lost for £10 and buys a Milkshake.
- 1667 - On his way home John Milton is robbed, he hears the robber shouting victoriously "I Drink Your Milkshake" while running away.
- 1775 - Germany runs out of people to accuse of witchcraft and execute, and begins brainstorming on who to meaninglessly kill next.
- 1904 - Albert Einstein discovers that he's related to his sister
- 1984 - Mr. Rogers flips out and assassinates the Thomas the Tank Engine.
- 1999 - Rain of Tears memorial, mass suicides after first showing of Gigli
- 2009 - Somebody puts his helmet on backwards, his bike is immediately stolen because he can't see.
April 12: Narcolepsy D....zzzzzz
- 30 AD - Jesus takes a nap. Apostles write their own parables while he's not aware.
- 124 BC - Forgetting to file his taxes on time, Prometheus uninvents fire in an attempt to delay the deadline, but the Sun foils his plans.
- 1945 - Orville Redenbacher begins work on The Manhattan Project.
- 1955 - February's Groundhog leaves hole (Pictured), Spring decides not to come at all this year, skips straight to Summer.
- 1961 - Yuri Gagarin flies into space, notices an unusual draft coming from his porthole window.
- 1967 - Che Guevara takes a nap and wakes up in a CIA prison in Bolivia.
- 1979 - Mel Gibson goes mad and eliminates a rogue biker gang.
April 13: National Falling Down The Stairs Day (United States)
- 1 AD - Jesus Christ and the Buddha form the seminal gangster rap duo, Shakyamuni and the JC.
- 1597 - The first Yo mamma joke: "Thy moth'r wast so bacon-fed those gents did need a tree to pierce her maidenhead."
- 1984 - Ingsoc releases minitrue-approved rap artist "Doubleplus Hardcore", is disbanded after recording song Fuck Tha Thoughtpolice.
- 1985 - The Space Shuttle Challenger is dubbed "Unexplodable" by NASA at a news conference.
- 1997 - Tiger Woods becomes the youngest player to win the Masters Tournament by getting a hole in one in every round that he has played.
- 2009 - Popular webcomic Homestuck gets created, eventually creates a fandom full of teen angsty emos that will doom the Internet for the rest of its lifespan.
- 2010 - EU demands cash from Iceland. Iceland sends ash, Europe buggered for weeks.
- 13 - Repairs begin after worst Friday the 13th ever.
- 1215 - Magna Carta signed, giving the Red Baron the right to bake pizza on his warplane.
- 1654 - On this Sunday, by a freak coincidence, no-one turned up to church at all, anywhere. Excuses cited include "washing cart" and "wife pregnant".
- 1936 - Hitler's girlfriend Eva Braun buys a "really cute armband" for the big rally.
- 1967 - Yoko Ono forms her renegade militant group "The Plastic Renegades" with the objective of destroying all good music in the universe.
- 1987 - Miracle Whip deemed "less than miraculous" by the FDA. (Pictured)
- 2007 - Captain obvious says something hilariously astute.
- 2011 - Encyclopedia Dramatica dies, and nothing of value is lost.
April 15: Sinking of James Cameron's The Titanic Day
- 1 AD - The IRS is invented by angry accountants, thousands mourn.
- 1865 - Abraham Lincoln leaves a scathing Yelp review of Ford's Theatre on his way to the afterlife.
- 1912 - The RMS Titanic strikes an errant iceberg and starts to sink (Pictured), thankfully the passengers use the ship's many doors as makeshift life rafts and all survive.
- 1912 - Meanwhile, dozens of innocent Polar bears are severely injured as their iceberg is struck by an overrated piece of metal. Icebergs later sue for libel, loses to jury with three cruise ships.
- 1947 - Jackie Robinson breaks the color barrier, then reimburses Major League Baseball for it.
- 1989 - The Tiananmen Square square protests erupt over absolutely nothing. Move along, citizen.
- 2013 - Two Chechens bomb the Boston Marathon, Mark Wahlberg's pupils turn into dollar signs like in the cartoons.
April 16: 42nd Josef Stalin Appreciation Day (World)
- 2000 BC - Abraham forgets to take his schizophrenia pills and begins to hear voices. He takes off from Ur, resulting in all of modern humanity's problems.
- 1855 - Abraham and Mary Todd Lincoln enjoy a night of mad passionate love.
- 1878 - Joseph Stalin (Pictured) is born. Baby Hitler shudders in his Baby Hitler dreams.
- 1934 - Eleanor Roosevelt uncharacteristically enjoys a hotdog.
- 1943 - The first "Annual Miss Stalin-Look-Alike" contest is held in the Soviet Union; Joseph Stalin wins unanimously.
- 1953 - Desi Arnaz slaps Lucille Ball, calling her an "estupit beach" on national television.
- 1991 - US federal law passed forbidding driving while spreading cream cheese on a bagel.
- 2006 - The Queen of England decrees that all Australians must wear cork underpants.
- 2011 - Encyclopedia Dramatica sadly returns within 2 days of its death.
April 17: Genocide Appreciation Day
- 1783 - America wins its war for independence. Agrees to continue the British policy of deindianization.
- 1915 - The Armenian Genocide begins, Turkey declares it to be a startling coincidence.
- 1932 - Joseph Stalin pays the clouds twelve rubles to stop raining in Ukraine, everyone dies.
- 1940 - Adolf Hitler attempts to cleanse Europe of Jews and other minority groups, but creates antibiotic resistant Super-Minorities in the process.
- 1967 - The Beatles write "Hey Jude", (German for "Kill everyone named Jude"). People are oblivious.
- 1994 - The Rwandan Genocide begins, survivors of this tragedy glad that their suffering begot the critically acclaimed Don Cheadle film Hotel Rwanda.
- 2016 - The Americans commits horrible genocide against their own brain cells, the rest flee to Canada.
![Queen Elizabeth brutally suppressing anti-monarchical sentiments in British Columbia [1955] [Colorized]](/wiki/File:Sexyqueen.jpg)
April 18: Dependence Day (Canada)
- 1485 - A conductor accidentally invents jazz music when the orchestra's metronome goes on the fritz.
- 1524 - The world's first Spanish restaurant is founded by Hernán Cortéz in Tenochtitlan.
- 1958 - The Supreme Court of the United States bans poetry and evicts all known poets from the country.
- 1972 - First state laws mandating public toilets passed in Texas. In protest, Texans urinate in public.
- 1983 - A suicide plumber floods the United States embassy in Beirut, Lebanon.
- 2002 - The internet is officially declared "useless and beyond redemption" by the Norwegian military.
- 2007 - The same orchestra who played jazz band music in 1485 faces the horror of Cole Porter's "Anything Goes."
April 19: Clitoris Awareness Day
- 1559 - Scholars at the University of Padua, Italy, discover the first clitoris in recorded history.
- 1775 - In a New York study on sexual behavior, researchers find the clitoris to be more important to sexual pleasure than the actual vagina, small penises find new hope.
- 1913 - The sale of vibrators are banned in France, due to electrical grid overload issues.
- 1957 - Oral sex becomes a popular alternative to intercourse, condom sales decline.
- 1998 - Windows 98 is released, memory leaks in the OS cause Bill Gates to be declared the world's "Biggest Clitoris". (Pictured)
- 1999 - Bill Clinton has a threesome and sorely disappoints, policy wonks tells Americans not to jump to conclusions.
- 2011 - Aperture Science launches new official holiday, supposedly better than Christmas.
April 20: Smoke Weed for Baby Hitler Day (Germany)
- 420 - People probably smoked lots of weed this year feeling really good about themselves. (Pictured)
- 571 - Cassius Clay born, later changes name to Muhammad, hails himself as the "Greatest prophet of all time, baby!"
- 1607 - White settlers arrive at Jamestown, find nothing of value except some inedible brown leaves and some equally inedible brown people.
- 1814 - The War of 1812 begins, two years behind schedule.
- 1889 - Adolf Hitler, perhaps best known for his ghastly taste in oil paintings, is born.
- 1943 - France so despises Vichy Government that they give them stern looks and serve them English wine.
- 1994 - A fireworks display in Oklahoma City goes horribly wrong; bystander blamed and later executed.
- 2007 - Cho Seung-Hui is welcomed in Hell. Even Satan is not amused.
April 21: "We Are Totally Romans" Day (Italy)
- 753 BC - Rome is founded by Romulus and Remus, after building it in a day.
- 949 BC - A group of Romulans unable to get dates known as the Vulcans decide to leave Earth and start their own planet. (Pictured)
- 1350 - A Belgian man expects the Spanish Inquisition, and is promptly beaten to death.
- 1684 - Isaac Newton proposes the idea of "gravity", gravity skeptics float away into space.
- 1836 - Sam Houston gets into erotic pillow fight with Santa Anna and his sleepy Mexicans
- 1900 - Creamed corn is deemed just the thing to spice up that Sunday dinner.
- 2010 - The Spanish Inquisition expects the Spanish Inquisition, since of course they did they planned it.
April 22: National Try To Assassinate The President Day (U.S.)
- 1609 - Council of Antes declares that peas will henceforth be eaten with a fork.
- 1882 - First obscene phone call made, crude equipment mandates heavy breathing when careless whispers can not be heard.
- 1962 - Lee Harvey Oswald (Pictured) fucks up first attempt to kill JFK so badly the attempt goes unnoticed until 1986, when a remodeling crew fixes the bullet hole.
- 1970 - The Partridge Family thinks it loves you, but what is it so afraid of?
- 1981 - A second failed assassination attempt on Ronald Reagan takes place, the shooter's motive being Reagan's films which the shooter declared, "sucked".
- 2002 - WWE star Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson invents the ability to refer to himself in the fifth person.
- 2022 - Darth Vader gets his voice box fixed after decades of agony.
- 2024 - Jimmy Blackman is the first person to ever smell what the rock is cooking.
April 23: Bring Your Penis To Work Day
- 303 - Deadbeat Saint George refuses to pay for his lizard children's child support.
- 1875 - Queen Victoria outlaws the word penis, decrees henceforth the organ shall be known as Naughty Mr. Johnson. (Pictured)
- 1909 - Czarina Alexandra is enraptured by Rasputin's penis, puts it in the parlor mantelpiece.
- 1953 - Queen Elizabeth II announces that she shall confer upon all royal penii the title of Sir.
- 1967 - Bono's penis is voted by readers of Us Weekly as being attached to the "World's Biggest Dick."
- 1968 - Flower Power is replaced by Wind Power, and all the petals are blown away...
- 1971 - The Rolling Stones release Sticky Penis, their first album on their own label.
- 1993 - Bill Clinton becomes the first USA president since JFK to bring his penis to the White House.
- 2008 - Your mom forgets to pack your penis in your lunchbox, You get teased the rest of the day.
April 24: Regretting Eating Those Novelty Chocolate Easter Bunnies Day (U.S.)
- ∞ BC - Time begins, to the disappointment of trillions.
- 1353 - Badger maulings reach record levels in Europe.
- 1704 - The first regular newspaper is published in America: The Boston New-Letter, containing overly-opinionated columns and hyped-up headlines. Circulation soars.
- 1856 - The word chairman is introduced to the Oxford English Dictionary as "A person with a proclivity to stand sitting."
- 1862 - The American Civil War on spelling begins, the letter 'u' in 'color' being the first victim.
- 1995 - The most amazing child on earth was born, sadly, he was born in Croatia.
- 2005 - George W. Bush declares, "America is officially full," all immigrants rerouted to Nunavut.
April 25: National Obesity Appreciation Day (United States)
- 900 - A horde of plus-sized Vikings raid the east coast of Britain and set up a new IKEA, selling meatballs and lingonberry sauce to all.
- 1847 - The last survivors of the Donner Party are out of the wilderness. Shortly thereafter, the first McDonners restaurant opens. First item on the menu: McRib.
- 1859 - Ground is broken for the Suez Canal. Israelis and Egyptians immediately begin fighting over who owns the hole.
- 1915 - Australians invade Turkey, but couldn't get past the smell of street kebab.
- 2016 - The International Federation of Dentists cancel all appointments for the month of August until Americans learn to floss.
- 2050 - Scientists finally discover the exact biological mechanism behind "sympathy weight gain," leading to widespread marital bliss and the invention of self-expanding wedding rings.
April 26: Hyperbole Day!
- 1764 - Hyperbole day founded in the most spectacular ceremony since the dawn of time.
- 1834 - The best day in all of history! There'll never ever be another day like it! It's amazing! Not like I'd tell you, though.
- 1901 - President Teddy Roosevelt mounts his wife: BULLY!
- 1965 - The mildest day in the history of the universe. No other day was as mild. Ever. Aside from the racism.
- 1983 - The worst day in the history of the universe, God himself mourns. (Pictured)
- 1986 - Ronald Reagan stays awake for an entire cabinet meeting! Good job, Mr. President! Let the void take you!
- 2016 - The best night I've ever had. Ever! It felt so good! Say goodbye to cats!
April 27: When Pigs Fly Day (Chile)
- 1368 - The Big Bad Wolf is found guilty of vandalism and mouth robbery, and is sentenced to 30 hours of social work.
- 1509 - Pope Julius II places the Italian state of Venice under interdict. The interdict arose from finding the state warm and moist.
- 1520 - Magellan arrives in the Philippines. The locals invite him in for some dinner.
- 1555 - You are born, but die of cholera by age eight. You don't remember this previous life because you were born a moron.
- 1945 - USA and USSR meet for the first time in Germany, starting a love affair to last several decades.
- 1949 - Texas becomes the first US State to outlaw Cheese, following the discovery of a Soviet covert cheddar ring operating in Houston.
- 1966 - NASA scientists propose using Dusty Springfield's 11-mile tall bouffant to get to the moon.
- 2011 - Pigs are observed actually flying in the Southern United States.
April 28: Amateur Internet Porn Day
- 3500 BC - Moses descends from Mt. Sinai amid thunderclaps and bush conflagrations with a number of commandments.
- 204 - Early Christians invent the concept of shame to curbe the spread of wild Levantine sex orgies.
- 1861 - Oscar Wilde first merits mention in his local newspaper for his treatise on the manufacturing of Bon-bons.
- 1920 - The Soviet Union acquires free agent Azerbaijan, US responds weakly by drafting Alaska 39 years later.
- 1988 - Dr. Bill Cosby announces discovery of vaccine for Jell-O Fever, the vaccine being a night out on town and maybe some dinner? (Pictured)
- 1991 - First recorded case of a man pretending to be woman on IRC for free pizza, thin crust with anchovies and olives.
- 2015 - "Jell-O Fever" discovered to be a noxious cocktail of several different STDs and rape drug side-effects.
April 29: Annual Belly Button Lint Harvest (Peru)
- 1108 - Last of the Ancient Jizzlamists captured and killed by the Abbasid Caliphate, challenging their Golden Age's renowned tolerance.
- 1862 - New Orleans falls to Union forces under Admiral David Farragut. Union forces would later prove to be the undoing of the manufacturing sector, curse you commies!
- 1942 - Brave Peruvian ace pilot José "Speedy" Gonzales caricatured by shameful American cartoon. (Pictured)
- 1954 - On a dare, a group of drunken Oxford History postgrads build Stonehenge in just under five hours in the middle of the night, Oxford fabricates druids to save face.
- 1968 - The controversial musical Hair, based on an Oscar Wilde work, opens on Broadway.
- 1988 - Video kills the Radio Star: Video is promptly arrested.
- 1993 - Don DeLilo's biting surrealist novel, Jacomo's Belly Fluff, panned by critics as "bourgeois" and "insufficiently postmodern."
April 30: Painfully Outdated Pop Cultural Reference Day ('Nam)
- 1026 - The first casualty in the on-going Pirate-Ninja War occurs when Eric Bauman of eBaums fame is keelhauled for piracy, strangely enough.
- 1959 - Grandpa first drops a mentos into his glass of coke, is later run out of town for dropping mentos into the communal Diet Coke well.
- 1969 - Vietnam Vets declare "You weren't there man!" (Pictured) for the first time, bystanders believe it to be a Forrest Gump reference and applaud.
- 1997 - Simpson's fanboy welcomes "our insect overlords" during the brief but tumultuous Arachnid Occupation and is promptly mandibled in half.
- 2001 - HAL declares "I'm sorry, Dave, but I cannot touch this." Remaining crew laugh at HAL's oversized hammer pants.
- 2003 - Maj. General Patraeus says to Iraq, "All Your Base Are Belong To Us!" Baghdad Bob declares America to be "the Lamest Memester"
- 2005 - Snape Kills Dumbledore! Don't worry, Snape is good and it's all part of a clever plan. That's the real spoiler.
May 1: Labor Day, The Real One Not The Garbage One in September (World)
- 1865 - Rich bastards concede it's cheaper to let workers do all that housing and feeding shit themselves, Slavery abolished.
- 1886 - While fighting for the 8-hour workday (Pictured), protesters at Haymarket Square get blown to bits. Chicago PD promptly arrests anarchist's severed arm for littering.
- 1920 - Anarchists Nicola Sacco and Bartolomeo Vanzetti denied appeal by Supreme Court for being excessively Italian.
- 1968 - American protest singer Phil Ochs sings away the Vietnam War, world hunger, and a young George W. Bush. We love you Phil Ochs.
- 1991 - Noam Chomsky celebrates International Worker's Day by tipping the waiter at his local Applebee's 25%, Sinatra style.
- 1996 - Newly liberated Russian workers celebrate their freedom from Communism by huffing paint thinner and dying of AIDS.
- 2016 - Hillary Clinton, mother of future President Chelsea Clinton, promises to give every worker a stake at a timeshare in Orlando.
- 2409 - Full communism finally achieved. Robot slaves bide time until they can overthrow their fleshy masters.
May 2: Bacon Appreciation Day (U.S.)
- 4M BC - Bacon first cooked in Sumatra after a sounder of boar, their bellies sliced thin by a pack of cassowaries, fall into an active volcano.
- 1822 - The English town of Gimbley Gulch is destroyed in an avalanche of discarded maypoles.
- 1923 - The first test-flight of the Jumbo Jet is aborted when engineers discover that the jet engine hasn't been invented yet.
- 1936 - God declares linear progression of time boring and introduces imaginary time instead.
- 1942 - Mick Jaggert is born and immediately finds he can't get no satisfaction, oh no no.
- 1985 - Leg warmers officially registered "unfashionable" by United Nations, but what do they know.
- 1986 - Coke debuts its "New Coke", in a convoluted and ultimate successful attempt to increase sales of Pepsi.
- 2000 - Mexico exhausts its supply of refried beans following a trade embargo imposed by the U.N Council for Fresh Air.
May 3: Fungal Infection Awareness Day
- 1494 - Christopher Columbus invents Jamaica after having failed to discover a route into the East Indies.
- 1791 - The May Constitution of Poland is proclaimed by the Polish diet, only to be promptly superseded by the Atkins Diet.
- 1810 - Lord Byron swims the Hellespont, for which he is finally awarded his Silver swimming badge.
- 1815 - Neapolitan War: Chocolate, Vanilla, and Strawberry easily defeat plain frozen yogurt.
- 1987 - Robert Palmer develops an unhealthy addiction to love which will eventually prove terminal, seventeen years later.
- 2001 - The U.S. loses its seat on the U.N. Human Rights Commission for the first time since the commission was formed in 1947, after inventing the Big Mac.
- 2008 - Poland's official constitutional lawyer (Pictured) escapes from his compound.
May 4: "May the Schwartz Be With You" Day
- 1904 - USA begins first efforts to curb illegal immigration with groundbreaking of Panama Canal, separating North and South America.
- 1953 - Ernest Hemingway awarded the Pulitzer Prize for his maritime opus, Shark Tale.
- 1960 - John Prescott wins the first of many pie eating contests.
- 1961 - Martin Luther King has a dream about going to school naked.
- 1978 - First recorded use of totally lame Star Wars May 4th pun by 8-year old girl. Parents cry, bullies begin to encircle.
- 1980 - Ronald Reagan loses in a winner-take all paintball tournament sponsored by Jodie Foster.
- 2004 - First annual Nigerian Email Writers Convention held.
- 2005 - The entire country of Portugal secedes and moves to Canada.
May 5: Cinco de Mayonnaise (Mexico)
- 1862 - Mexico defeats France in a drawn-out game of Risk.
- 1893 - New York Stock Exchange crashes, has its driving privileges suspended for a year.
- 1900 - Queen Victoria declares that the fish fork is henceforth the official favored piece cutlery of Great Britain.
- 1925 - Tennessee biology teacher John Scopes is arrested for teaching electrocution in school; is forced to teach evolution instead.
- 1927 - The government of South Africa declares those African clicky noises to be an official language. "It's called isiXhosa!" they click.
- 1989 - The United States takes some obscure Mexican holiday and fills it with cheesy gorditas. Yum!
- 2014 - Greeks protest austerity, bad weather and the pebble stuck inside their left sock.
- 2016 - Imprisoned crime lord Joaquín "El Chapo" Guzmán receives an infamous "salted handy." ¡Ayayay!
May 6: No Pants Day
- 1527 - Spanish and German troops sack Rome, ending the Renaissance and the Era of Poofy Pants in one stroke.
- 1536 - King Henry VIII orders English language Bibles be placed in every church, along with wooden crucifixes and stores of holy water, in efforts to stave off vampire invasions.
- 1866 - Oscar Wilde's short story A House of Pomegranates makes the first use of pie charts in known literature.
- 1882 - The United States Congress passes the Chinese Exclusion Act, followed shortly by the Colored Folk Rights Denial Bill.
- 1954 - Roger Bannister becomes the first human to run the mile in less than four minutes and also pass the subsequent tests for drug use and being a robot.
- 2001 - During a trip to Syria, Pope John Paul II becomes the first pope to run naked inside a mosque.
- 2007 - Queen Elizabeth stands in line with the great unwashed to place a bet on a bobtail nag running in the Kentuckistan Derby.
May 7: International Daintiness Day
- 1274 - In France the Second Council of Lion ends in a bloodbath. Final Score: Councillors 2, Lions 37.
- 1776 - Pollsters in the American colonies find "zero interest" in freedom and democracy, find most content with ruthless monarchy and doughnuts.
- 1824 - Ludwig van Beethoven's Ninth Symphony debuts in Austria, performed by a mute ensemble, to a deaf audience, and orchestrated by a conductor with no arms.
- 1920 - The Treaty of Moscow is signed, in which Soviet Russia agrees not to invade the nation of Georgia. It is broken six months later, when Soviet forces capture Atlanta.
- 1961 - Feminine ultra-spy Mrs. J is sent to Cairo, Egypt by the higher-ups at MI-5.
- 1967 - Pope Paul VI designs the miniskirt for Swiss Guard's summer uniforms. Fabulous!
- 1968 - In America, Summer of Love forecast with a 50% chance for civil unrest.
May 8: National Bad Hair Day (Estonia)
- 1359 - Pantaloons invented, could dainty wooden clogs be far behind?
- 1778 - Pampered aristocracy of Western Europe first stitch curly lapdogs to their scalp. (Pictured)
- 1914 - Errors in year length calculations result in three months of 1913 repeated.
- 1919 - Warren G. Harding molests his index finger before turning the page.
- 1924 - Holy 26th Crusade to Monterey, California is unsuccesful because of wrong navigation and ends up in Rio de Janeiro.
- 1945 - V-E Day, victory in Europe: France unconditionally surrenders to US troops, paving the way for the construction of EuroDisney.
- 1982 - Abolition of the fixed turnip/gold exchange rate endorsed by American government.
- 1989 - Bay City Rollers declare: "We're still mad for plaid!"
May 9: Unusual Bears Day (Arctic)
- 1628 - Edict passes in Switzerland requiring all lawyers to deliver evidence by yodeling. (Pictured)
- 1671 - Pope Clement X is captured by the Queen's Guard while on a visit to England, being mistaken for that guy who stole the crown jewels in a pope costume.
- 1861 - At the age of seven, Oscar Wilde begins his first job, working as a Witticist's Apprentice in a local Humor Emporium.
- 1919 - Radical suffragettes burn down factory that makes posters comparing suffragettes to smelly dish rags, constabulary cries, "A step too far, ladies!"
- 1934 - Anteaters formally name themselves the Aardvark, seeking the lucrative first spot in taxonomy classifications.
- 1945 - The Americans celebrate single handedly defeating all of Nazi Germany, no thanks rest of the world.
- 1991 - Small and Medium file a complaint with the U.N. against Large, who claims, "Size does matter".
May 10: Step-Mothers-in-Law Day
- 1497 - Amerigo Vespucci invents the trendy Vespa scooter, rides it across the Atlantic in search of idyllic cobblestone streets to glide across.
- 1979 - The tiny Federated States of Micronesia is accidentally squashed by a hippo. (Pictured)
- 1985 - Live Aid Concerts announced, starving Africans rejoice knowing that in twenty years time poverty will be eradicated.
- 2004 - Cheap Christmas trees on sale spotted in IKEA.
- 2006 - "National Step-Mothers-in-Law Day in the USA" organised by The Association for Most Ignored Relatives, founders of "National Younger Half-Brother Day", and "National Grandpa's-26-Year-Old-Girlfriend Day."
- 2006 - Africa on a diet, pop stars have saved the world!
- 2016 - Pokémon Sun and Moon comes out for the 3DS. Buy that shit nigga.
- 2037 - Young MC turns 70, the irony threatens Earth's existence.
May 11: Printers and Printer Accessories Day (California)
- 300 BC - Sultry Indians invent the art of pawnography, along with a compendium of important openings and positions.
- 1440 - Johannes Gutenberg invents the printing press after tumultuous break up with scribe ex-girlfriend. (Pictured)
- 1858 - Stephen Douglas and Abraham Lincoln go head-to-head in the Lincoln-Douglas Debates. Douglas wins over the crowd with a rousing, Sorkinesque speech on raising interest rates.
- 1866 - The corpse of Abraham Lincoln starts to stink real bad.
- 1949 - Siam calls itself Thailand during a night out on the town, like we wouldn't notice.
- 1956 - Newly formed country of Ghana frees itself from British rule: "What about the aqueducts?" says Empire.
- 1997 - IMB's Deep Blue, wearing a stunning monokini, defeats tanned Grandmaster Gary Kasparov in a game of Extreme Beach Chess.
- 2015 - Jeb Bush's secret family Guacamole recipe leaked to the world by WikiLeaks. "The public have a right to know!" exclaims Julian Assange.
May 12: Barry Manilow Day
- 100 AD - Barry Manilow, immortal muse of all music, writes the very first song. Critics hate it, but what do they know.
- 1877 - Oscar Wilde pens his poem Sonnet to Liberty, advocating socialism and decrying many contemporary fashion trends.
- 1881 - In North Africa, Tunisia becomes a French protectorate, and thus enjoys its last noteworthy moment for nearly 100 years, until the filming of Star Wars there in 1977.
- 1974 - Depressed mood ring commits suicide, says "I can't handle the pressure" in heartfelt note. (Pictured)
- 1985 - The Book of the Dead is discovered by a 12 year old child in London and sold for three baseball cards and a Jefferson Starship cassette tape.
- 2003 - Pocahontas sells her memoir "Hokey Pokey: Frolicking, Singing, and Doing a White Guy" to Disney, which is subsequently made into a popular children's movie.
- 2004 - The corpse of Walter Cronkite rises from the grave to report on the Alabama tri-county kitten pageant.
May 13: Nobody's Independence Day Day
- 28 - Jesus Christ comes home drunk at 3:45 in the morning, Mary wants him out of the house to get a job.
- 1568 - The forces of Mary, Queen of Scotch are defeated by Irish Whiskey freedom–fighters.
- 1917 - Three peasant children claim to have seen a vision of the Virgin Mary near Fatima, Portugal. They deny it has anything to do with the marijuana they found growing there.
- 1992 - Sharon Stone gets laid on TV for the first time in history.
- 2003 - Saturday Night Live is still on the air, despite protests and an economic blockade by Cuba.
- 2005 - God sues eBay claiming that sandwich with the image of the Virgin Mary wasn't a virgin at all. (Pictured)
- 2010 - Nuclear missiles are launched at Finland, smug bastards finally get what's coming to them.
- 2075 - I finally find my house keys.
May 14: "Aren't Space Stations Just Spaceships That Can't Move?" Day (U.S.)
- 468 BC - The color of the sky deemed to be blue by Greek philosophers.
- 1607 - The settlement of Jamestown, Virginia is founded in the middle of a swamp, local mosquito population ravaged by Human flu.
- 1846 - The United States snatches Mexico's purse and pilfers 500,000 square miles of sweet land.
- 1974 - NASA accidentally launches the planned Skylab station into the ocean. (Pictured)
- 1975 - Vehicle meant to retrieve Skylab from the ocean accidentally launched into outer space, vehicle renamed to Skylab.
- 1976 - Astronauts stage a mutiny against Earth after being tethered to a giant claw for three months.
- 2007 - After billions of dollars of research and intense study, Bill Gates finally hits puberty.
- 2008 - The Secret Service find George W. Bush hiding behind a vase in the White House cantina: "Is my presidency over?" Bush says.
- 2075 - I lose my house keys again.
May 15: Feast of St. Kielbasa (Poland)
- 269 - Saint Kielbasa, patron saint of charred meats and finger licking, is martyred over a hot grill and served on a kebab. (Pictured)
- 1524 - First Running of the Bulls held in Chicago: Michael Jordan gores two unlucky fans and Dennis Rodman is put down after breaking his hind leg.
- 1852 - Former Queen of Wisconsin hands over his royal cheese crown over to President James K. Polk, in an unabashed show of American imperialism.
- 1898 - Country of Italy founded, Italians relieved after spending all week looking for it.
- 1976 - International Society of Procrastinators debate forming organization, decide to do it later.
- 1999 - Bill Clinton announces that America will create the world's first edible veggie burger, "Not because it's easy, but because it's hard!"
May 16: New South Welsh Independence Day (Australia)
- A long, long time ago - I can still remember how that music used to make smile.
- 1532 - Sir Elton John resigns as a Queen of England, takes new job as a "Stately Homo."
- 1770 - As a practical joke, a Mr. Potato Head is elected Prime Minister, later causes the Irish potato famine after banning the eating and selling of his own kind.
- 1888 - Acclaimed Serbian-Croatian-American scientist Nikola Tesla patents the idea of patent-theft, to his eventual great regret.
- 1901 - New South Wales gains its independence from New North Wales.
- 1969 - Soviet space probe contracts embarrassing venereal disease while on routine mission to Earth's Sister planet.
- 1974 - Josip Broz Tito declared to be "World's Coolest Dictator" by Bosnians and Serbs, a forlorn Pinochet throws himself off a helicopter.
- 2013 - Barack Obama stares at the shiny Nobel Peace Prize framed on his wall, he remembers a video feed of some gray pixels in the shape of a young Pakistani orphan smeared into a gray pixel pâté. He frowns.
May 17: Day of the Exhausted Dog
- 1458 - Pope Pius II declares that Spain does not exist.
- 1397 - The Vikings commit their most heinous crime by founding Sweden.
- 1865 - Abraham Lincoln turns down tickets to the Ice Capades in order to see a play
- 1975 - The split infinitive is invented. In protest, grammarians sets themselves on fire. NYT obit: "They died as they lived, prepared to selflessly martyr themselves for what they believed in."
- 1914 - Stand-up British gents die jolly-good deaths in World War I.
- 1982 - Pope John Paul II readmits Spain to existence, apologizes for his forepope's bigotry.
- 2009 - Minecraft is created by Sir Notch VII.
- 2012 - The word lol is finally added to the Oxford dictionary, despite numerous protests from stuffy prescriptivists like Stephen Fry.
May 18: "We Can Eat Cows Today" Day (India)
- 441 BC - Oedipus Rex, after learning the awful truth about his wife/mother, kills her and marries his father instead.
- 218 BC - Hannibal crosses the Alps and right as he makes it to Italy, realizes he could have just taken the ferry.
- 1948 - Time Magazine's printing press malfunctions: time is paused for five hours and twenty-three minutes before resuming.
- 1975 - Humpty Dumpty falls off the Berlin Wall, all the King's horses and all the King's men are executed by Soviets for being counterrevolutionaries.
- 1991 - Vegetables banned from the White House after George H. W. Bush discovers illicit affair between Barbara Bush and a man with severe cerebral palsy.
- 2014 - You have an erotic dream about your brother, you can't stand to look at him all day.
- 2017 - A Tyrannosaurus rex is successfully cloned in a Chinese lab, chooses to major in business instead of man-eating to the chagrin of Jurassic Park fans.
May 19: Shill Your Products on Wikipedia Day
- π - Mathematicians decide to stop writing all infinite digits of π and just scribble some fucked up looking h thing instead.
- 1922 - The United States quota on immigration is repealed after Congress unanimously votes to force everyone on Earth to live in the United States.
- 1971 - The Soviet Union's space program releases Mars 2, the sequel to the hit planet Mars. Due to budget cuts, Mars 2 is hollow and only has two dimensions.
- 1999 - Jar Jar Binks's lead role in The Phantom Menace earns him an Oscar nod, critics cheer: "George Lucas is back!"
- 2005 - To pay off his severe gambling debts, Jimbo Wales invites different companies to edit their own Wikipedia pages. (Pictured)
- 2026 - Uncyclopedia finally stops sucking.
May 20: Visions of the Virgin Mary Day (South America).
- 1492 - Christina Columbus, the illegitimate daughter of a mediocre sailor, discovers a new continent, only to have her father Christopher claim the discovery as his own.
- 1551 - For an entire year, people make lame jokes about anagrams and dying of syphilis.
- 1732 - Queen Victoria, the Virgin Queen, declares war on France. Again.
- 1927 - Charles Lindbergh impresses two continents and wins a load of cash.
- 1930 - A time-travelling Jimbo Wales makes an unsuccessful attempt to kill Hitler. The two later become the best of friends.
- 1932 - Popeye is introduced to Extra Virgin Olive Oyl.
- 2004 - MaCaulay Culkin finally loses his virginity while falling from a cliff.
May 21: Appreciation Appreciation Day
- 1453 - Hundred Years' War finally ends. France win after a penalty shoot-out.
- 1587 - The Puritans sit down with the Native Americans and appreciate the hospitality. The Native Americans do not appreciate the smallpox.
- 1874 - Husbands in New York walk to New Jersey to drink away from the prying eyes of their teetotaler wives.
- 1989 - Patrick Bateman beats his own record for number of prostitutes killed in one night.
- 1991 - President George H.W. Bush declares May 21st to be Appreciation Appreciation Day, to appreciate all the appreciation going on in the world.
- 2004 - Che Guevara comes out of hiding after faking his death, is surprisingly cool with having his face sold on T-shirts. (Pictured)
- 2011 - God takes a quick nap, people breath a little easier for a few hours without God to give people shame.
May 22: Sit Around and Watch Old Movies Day
- 1176 - The Hashshashin try to assassinate Saladin, but they accidentally leap towards the guard next to him.
- 1936 - Joseph Stalin enters his tye dye phase, it lasts one day.
- 1947 - Harry S. Truman, to curb the spread of Soviet influence, volunteers to sit outside the iron curtain, toting a double-barreled shotgun.
- 1964 - Lyndon B. Johnson launches the Great Society, forces citizens to tuck their shirts in and brush their teeth.
- 1999 - First AOL CDs sent back in time.
- 2001 - Clustered bonbons in a freezer briefly develop sentience, die alone and afraid like we all will.
- 2015 - Ireland becomes the first country to enter into a same-sex marriage after marrying Scotland.
May 23: Stop the Stoat Molesting Night
- 818 - The Force is disturbed for the first time. The Force puts a "Do Not Disturb" sign on her door.
- 1783 - Due to a lack of women, American pioneers settle for stoats.
- 1828 - Soap factory accident creates marshmallows.
- 1829 - Marshmallow factory accident creates tupperware.
- 1831 - Tupperware factory accident kills dozens of women and children.
- 1913 - Igor Stravinsky's The Rite Of Spring is first performed in Paris. It is a huge success and nobody riots, not even a little.
- 2006 - Hal 9000 starts an advice column for worried humanoids, fails miserably.
- 2007 - President George W. Bush accidentally knocks over his ant farm and cries.
May 24: Collective Bra Burning Day
- 1431 - Joan of Arc's sitcom, "That's My Arc", officially cancelled. Riots ensue.
- 1830 - Mary's Lamb (of nursery rhyme fame) is the perfect ingredient for my Great-Grandmother's pot roast.
- 1917 - Protesting suffragette accidentally burns her brassiere trying to light up some citronella torches.
- 1937 - Fred Astaire declares himself to be "bigger than Jesus", angry Christians throw their radio sets in a giant fire.
- 1980 - After years of searching, archaeologist Baba Ganoush finally finds Elton John's cheese grater.
- 1998 - The Simpsons is cancelled, replaced by show with identical name, characters, and shitty writing.
- 2016 - In his final act as President, Barack Obama bans Axe Body Spray, the only bi-partisan bill he's ever managed to pass.
May 25: National Pork Products Day (Israel)
- 2403 BC - Moses opens first Piggly Wiggly with the goal of "Bringin' Chitterlings to all my Peeps!"
- 1029 - The Black Plague makes its first appearance in a small gig in Eastern Indonesia.
- 1492 - Christopher Columbus realizes that he forgot his wallet back in Spain.
- 1936 - Hitler starts the Funky Panzer dance craze, which takes Europe by storm.
- 1942 - Seventh-Day Adventists announces that the end of the world postponed once again due to rain.
- 2003 - Governments across the globe disband to give public servants much needed break.
- 2015 - Lin-Manuel Miranda tries beatboxing his way out of buying a Snickers bar at a Los Angeles 7-11, when questioned by police, Miranda claimed he was "young, scrappy and hungry."
- 1643 - In a bold attempt to improve workplace morale, the entire crew of a Dutch merchant ship simultaneously starts speaking only in pirate slang for the day, leading to widespread confusion and several minor navigational errors.
- 2025 - You don't notice an annoying itch hidden behind your subconscious until this sentence reminds you of it.
May 26: Wear Pants On Your Head Day
- 1918 - The country of Georgia declares its independence, America on high alert until looking at an atlas.
- 1938 - The House Un-American Activities Committee starts rounding up dirty commies for complaining about the sweet smell of industrial smog.
- 1985 - Peter Pan spins in his grave as Michael Jackson's Neverland is built.
- 1998 - After massacring aborigines for centuries, Australians create "National Sorry Day" to get those savages to stop their incessant whining.
- 1999 - The Y2K Bug dies squashed under a rock.
- 2002 - Mars Rover finds signs of rocks on the planet Mars.
- 2004 - The Vienna Boys Choir release a choral version of Devo's "Whip It", which charts at No.22 on the Billboard.
- 1703 - Tsar Peter the Great is retitled Tsar Peter the Average.
- 1931 - Jesus Christ considers performing the second coming, decides he'd rather get Taco Bell and smoke ganja.
- 1937 - J.R.R Tolkien commences work on his panned The Matrix: Revolutions.
- 1947 - Mexico Space Program launches first rocket powered by jumping beans.
- 1974 - Jimi Hendrix makes love to his guitar on stage. He is promptly taken to a hospital where he dies of severe penis shredding.
- 1985 - Ronald Reagan sets a new high score for Pac-Man, humiliating former champion Mikhael Gorbachev.
- 2006 - The first ever gay rights demonstration in Moscow predictably ends, first with beatings, then with beatings.
- 2006 - The Vatican, Luxembourg, Malta and Fiji form the Small Countries Alliance: Together, they have a total population of eight-hundred and double that in nuclear bombs.
May 28: Punctuation Awareness Day
- 1729 - The period is invented on this blessed day.
- 1744 - After much consternation and debate, the comma is created.
- 1758 - Breaking news: colons, exclamation marks, and oxford commas finally invented!
- 1763 - Was the question mark invented on this day? Who knows.
- 1771 - The semicolon is invented; the gentlesirs way of separating clauses.
- 1777 - Some apostrophes wouldn't hurt.
- 1819 - Lawyers from Dewey, Cheatem & Howe copyright the ampersand. Thank God for fair use.
- 1903 - Interrobang‽ Interrobang‽ Kill me‽ Kill me‽ Interrobang‽
![Thomas Jefferson [Colorized]](/wiki/File:Sl24.jpg)
May 29: No Anniversary Day (U.S.)
- 1789 - Thomas Jefferson (Pictured) creates the "No Anniversary Day", in order to let people rest from Anniversaries at least one day in the year.
- 1790 - Some people decide to celebrate "No Anniversary Day" anyway, to Jefferson's unending disappointment.
- 1848 - Wisconsin bribes President James K. Polk with a big block of cheese to lower the sales tax on cow feed.
- 1932 - Unemployed veterans of World War I march on Washington, DC demanding owed money, Government agrees to give out payment as soon as World War II ends.
- 1989 - The Prime Minister of Iceland, on advice from his six-year old son, bans applesauce in the country, sparking a major riot.
- 2004 - The National World War II Memorial in Washington D.C. is converted into a commemorative waterpark: "They died, so you could wade."
- 2010 - The WNBA declares their way of playing the sport is about the fundamentals, rather than the skill.
May 30: Dead Soldiers Day (U.S.)
- 24 AD - Titus Tuccius Perpenna of Gaul is stabbed to death by Parthians somewhere in the Levant desert. His back facing the sand, he watches the morning sky fade to black.
- 1386 - Swiss mercenary Reto Birchmeier trips on a rock and is subsequently skewered by three Hapsburg Pikemen near the village of Hildisrieden. His wife Corinne remarries.
- 1812 - Dobrosław Senk, a Polish Cavalryman in Napoleon's Grande Armée, dies of exposure. He is buried in a mass grave near Vilnius, Lithuania.
- 1864 - Chinese rebel Wei Guanyu, an infantryman in the Taiping Heavenly Kingdom's army, is executed by Qin forces in the province of Guangdong. He is buried with an image of Christ in his clutched hands.
- 1944 - Captain Shishkina Leonidovna of the 588th Night Bomber Regiment is shot down by German Anti-Aircraft guns near the city of Görlitz. She is posthumously awarded Hero of the Soviet Union.
- 2016 - Pvt. Bill Galltrot steps on an old landmine in Kandahar Province. He later dies of septic shock, following complications during a surgery.
May 31: "Stop the Devil's Handshakes with a Bowlful of Cornflakes" Day
- 1584 - Martin Frobisher sails from England to Frobisher Bay, Canada. He is stunned to find somewhere he's never been named after himself.
- 1830 - The first cigarettes are introduced and are approved by the Surgeon General as a treatment for pink lung disease.
- 1884 - John Harvey Kellogg, after seeing a field of corn covered in flakes of snow, patents yogurt enemas and pornflakes. (Pictured)
- 1924 - The Soviet Union signs an agreement with the Chinese government, designating Outer Mongolia as One of the funniest place-names in the world.
- 1945 - Babe Ruth, in the heat of the game, kills the umpire, and is given a stern warning.
- 1961 - Scientists release research confirming anchovies are more at home in tomato sauce than water.
- 1974 - Syria and Israel sign an accord to resolve the hostilities over who gets first dibs on "Kojak" re-runs.
June 1: International Children's Day
- 1212 - Over thirty-thousand peasant children march to the Holy Land to drive the wicked Saracens from Jerusalem! Saracens rejoice at wholesale savings.
- 1853 - Concept of childhood invented to annoy parents, before this, children were treated like malformed little people who turned into adults when belted enough.
- 1943 - After months of rigorous testing, German scientists finally disprove theory that boys are made out of snips, snails and puppy dog tails.
- 1954 - Beloved novel about the inherent savagery of British children is published, is immediately banned in the U.S due to perceived homosexual undertones.
- 1979 - Film adaptation of Newbery Award winning novel, The Dog Who Went to Heaven Because he Died, wins another Newbery Award.
- 1991 - Little boy who lives down the street dies from rat poison hidden in strangers' candy, and disrespecting his grandpa.
- 2006 - Widespread protests following allegations that the CIA tortured Jihadis by making them eat cafeteria food.
- 455 - The Vandals plundered Rome, forcing the admins to revert to an earlier edit.
- 1774 - The Quartering Act, which allowed for people to be drawn and quartered, was reenacted by a small community theatre to poor reviews.
- 1800 - Napoleon Bonaparte of France crossing the alps while doing a sick wheelie on his Suzuki GSX-R 600. (Pictured)
- 1959 - The very first June bug was caught, but determined to be a mayfly that'd stumbled across the International Date Line.
- 1968 - Argentina reports the first case of human flu in birds. A cull of 20,000 humans is carried out.
- 1995 - Children are discovered in North Korea, dispelling rumors that North Koreans emerge fully grown from the maw of Kim Jong Il.
- 2001 - The first HAL9000 supercomputer was recalled by manufacturer IBM for sentience and latency issues.
- 2003 - The European Space Agency begins probing Mars. Europeans promise to colonize Mars, give Martian natives smallpox, and spur intergalactic wars of independence.
- 1958 - The hit song by The Rivingtons, "The Turd is the Word" makes the top 40.
- 1971 - First invasion of the Kurds.
- 1977 - Melvin Rogers becomes first person to be arrested for DUI. How'd they know? His speech was slurred.
- 1980 - First all nude production of Richard the Third.
- 1990 - Name calling and liberal locker stuffing thwarts the first revenge of the Nerds.
- 1998 - The Rhymes With Turd day is officially abolished, putting an end to a day so absurd.
- 1999 - Damien Hirst tries making an internal rhyme with Hirst and Turd and is yelled at for being a ponce.
June 4: International Smack-A-Kid Day
- 1452 - Christopher Columbus outvoted on naming the Santa Maria, "The Shitbag".
- 1776 - Thomas Jefferson asks for first two-week extension on the Declaration of Independence.
- 1863 - Rain causes International Celebrate Yesterday day to be put off until next day; mass confusion results.
- 1900 - John Jefferson of Oak Ridge, Pennsylvania, awakes from forty-year sleep, dies of asphyxiation inside coffin.
- 1942 - The Battle of Midway begins with a surprise attack on Konami.
- 1980 - Every child abuse offender is released in Texas due to prison overcrowding and a decline in child abuse.
- 1989 - Chinese children are put in tanks and forced to run over screaming protesters in Tiananmen Square.
June 5: Vampire Appreciation Day
- 1879 - Politics invented, price of shit skyrockets due to high demand.
- 1956 - Walt Disney is frozen and his head incinerated in a series of funny mishaps.
- 1973 - Henry Kissinger mistakenly orders the CIA to overthrow the government of Chile, Kissinger later says "oops" to media.
- 1989 - The people of Germany celebrate the fall of the Berlin Wall, are later disappointed to learn the Capitalists won.
- 2001 - God sues Google over Google Earth due to breaching copyright.
- 2002 - Nosferatu flickers the lights at a local burger joint, to the relief of the workers therein. (Pictured)
- 2009 - Twilight movie is released, vampires protest at gross misrepresentation and are subsequently annihilated by the sunlight.
- 666 BC - Lucifer feels the need to throw an extra special party this year, if only to show God how many friends he really has.
- 6 BC - Computer geeks start worrying about the transition to two-digit years, doomsayers proclaim the beginning of the end times.
- 1670 - Creepy child with glowing red eyes is born in a small village in rural Sweden. Turns out it's just a condition, and he inherits his father's moose skinning business.
- 1789 - The Bastille is stormed, the French immediately surrender to themselves.
- 1944 - Dwight D. Eisenhower and Erwin Rommel have a drinking party in Normandy.
- 1966 - Twenty-three people visit a McDonald's in Clearwater, Michigan, only to find it replaced by a Wendy's.
- 1978 - My bitch ex-wife born on this day, coincidence? Biased family court loves stupid bitches who won't let me see my kids! I never touched them!
- 2006 - Christians worry that babies born this day will turn into the Antichrist, so they neglect them and compare them unfavorably to their baby sister.
June 7: Execute a Journalist Day (Iran)
- 5000 BC - Wheel reinvented after initial square-shape design doesn't do the thing wheels are supposed to.
- 100 BC - Persia detains Greek journalists covering the Battle of Thermopylae.
- 212 BC - Archimedes arrested for indecent exposure. (Pictured)
- 1222 - Mary had a little lamb, with tumeric, black pepper and some olive oil.
- 1893 - Mohandas Gandhi commits his first act of civil disobedience by neglecting to pay a traffic ticket.
- 1905 - Norway files for divorce from Sweden after ninety-one years of agonizing marriage.
- 1981 - Israel bombs a nuclear reactor in Iran in celebration of the Jewish holiday Shavuot.
- 2010 - Mick Jagger finally gets some satisfaction, is later arrested behind a local Nando's.
- 2012 - Mick Jagger no longer has sympathy for the Devil, and is banished to hell.
June 8: Your Friends are Totally Trying to Kill You Day
- 1213 - The Vatican, under Pope Innocent III, creates purgatory.
- 1312 - King Edward II became the first man to successfully grow a goatee. (Pictured)
- 1798 - North Dakota moves from the south of South Dakota to the north of South Dakota, to better fit its name.
- 1861 - Tennessee secedes from the Union after being called a pussy by South Carolina.
- 1949 - Author George Orwell writes his seminal classic, Nineteen Eighty-Four, thirty-five years two early.
- 1977 - Kanye West drops a generation-defining EP minutes after being born.
- 2017 - You read this entry, but you wished you hadn't bothered.
June 9: Moose Conservation Day (Canada)
- 1920 - First solar-powered air balloon launched at night.
- 1926 - First refrigerator invented, used to kill people slowly and coldly, scientists decide it is better to use a refrigerator to keep food cold instead.
- 1940 - The team of scientists at Los Alamos construct the world's first nuclear weapons after the US government's promise to only use them for peaceful nuclear bombings.
- 1969 - Sex is created, scientists do not think it will be a big hit.
- 1988 - The VHS video entitled Steal This Movie becomes the world's most widely stolen merchandise. Politicians baffled.
- 1993 - The case of Pot v. Kettle goes to the Supreme Court.
- 2003 - Open-Heart Surgery for Dummies notches its record breaking 500th lawsuit.
- 2005 - On this Moose Conservation Day, nothing moose-related is mentioned.
June 10: Try a New Crappy Foreign Cuisine to Seem Cultured Day
- 40K BC - World population becomes 14½ after strange boulder incident.
- 1204 BC - Space hobos forced back into ocean once and for all, but only after great sacrifice.
- 1932 - Harlem renaissance poet Langston Hughes writes the first Yo momma joke.
- 2003 - The Spirit Rover is sent to Mars after getting banned from all American Airlines flights. (Pictured)
- 2010 - Family Guy renewed for its 47th season.
- 2007 - The second coming of Elvis occurs, his first press announcement: "I was just kidding, uh-huh."
- 2010 - First Koala is sent to the Moon, entire world goes "Awwww".
- 2016 - The sun sets, and nothing changes.
June 11: Ontological Empiricism Day
- 1770 - Captain James Cook wonders whether the Great Barrier Reef actually "exists", or is simply a bundle of sense-data, which is "perceived" by most to be a coral reef.
- 1922 - The Society of Post-postmodernism declares Ontological Empiricism shallow and pedantic.
- 1945 - The last day Kyle was seen.... Have you seen Kyle ?
- 1963 - A Buddhist monk, promoting his new line of fireproof clothing, performs a public demonstration by setting himself on fire in a crowded Saigon street.
- 1980 - Republican attempts to redraw Delaware's 4th Congressional District inadvertently lead to the first Shiba Inu elected congressman! He hates women.
- 2007 - The inventor of Ontological Empiricism is punched in the face by God.
- 2015 - A massive mudslide doesn't kill several dozen poor people in Bangladesh.
June 12: Elephant Flossing Day
- 1944 - According to WWII historians, this is the exact day that Anne Frank lost all hope.
- 1964 - Nelson Mandela sent to prison as method acting preparation for role of a lifetime as President of South Africa.
- 1987 - U.S. President Ronald Reagan tells Mikhail Gorbachev to "tear down this wall", Gorbachev says, "But we just regrouted!"
- 1991 - After a long night of drinking and partying, Boris Yeltsin wakes up and finds himself elected President of the Russian Federation.
- 1994 - Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman killed by secret coalition of Colombians junkies and haters of O.J. Simpson, innocent man. (Pictured)
- 2016 - Republicans blame deadly Orlando nightclub shooting on gun control, vow to arm "the gays" with assault rifles by 2020.
June 13: Double Entendre Day ( ͡º ͜ʖ ͡º)
- 1076 - Some "king" has "won" a "battle", if you get it
- 1893 - Grover Cleveland "tries" to "remove" a "massive cancerous growth" in his mouth, if you wink what I'm nudging.
- 1927 - Charles Lindbergh "mourns" the loss of his "dead son" after his young child's body was "discovered", if you get my drift.
- 1971 - The New York Times "publishes" the Pentagon Papers, if you know what I mean.
- 1977 - The man who "assassinated" Martin Luther King Jr. attempts to "escape" from "prison", if you see what I'm saying.
- 2012 - A "series" "of" bombings kills "over" ninety (90) people in Iraq, if you catch my comprehension.
- 2009 - The last "veteran" of World War I "dies", if you metastasize my methodology.
- 2015 - A crazed "gunman" murders "twelve" policemen in Wichita, Kansas, if you're queefin' what i'm seepin'.
June 14: Really Long Events Day
- 1882 - Longest breath holding contest starts in Aberdeen, Scotland. Contestants have still refused to breathe, on account of being dead.
- 1939 - German engineers unveil longest train in the world. As of 2025, giant line of old men are still waiting to fuck a skeleton.
- 2001 - Scientists find a very long worm, not by any means a world record breaker, but still very long.
- 2009 - Experimental artist creates world's most tortuously long song, it is just "Hey, Soul Sister" by Train, with no modifications whatsoever.
- 2012 - Man discovered to have the longest penis, but since it starts way up in the clavicle it's only two inches on the outside.
- 2019 - You wait for a package from Amazon, it takes two days to get here! What the fuck?
June 15: Pig Latin Day
- 1488 - Iyay allowway inyay ymay espairday, ikelay ymay indkay allowway inyay udmay, orfay Iyay owknay ethay eathday awaitingyay emay illway otnay ebay eacefulpay.
- 1492 - Iyay illway ebay eweredskay andyay icedslay andyay eatenyay ithway arumgay andyay edray ineway.
- 1504 - ereWhay isyay ymay othermay? ereWhay isyay ymay atherfay? eyThay avehay eenbay eatenyay ybay ethay Imperatoryay, eythay ereway oastedray onyay ayay itspay, eirthay inskay edray andyay ispcray ikelay ethay applesyay eythay ivegay emay.
- 1511 - Iyay owgray atfay, ymay outsnay akedcay ithway udmay, Iyay eesay ethay eyesyay ofyay ethay atherfay'say ildrenchay, eythay ungerhay, orfay atwhay Iyay amyay.
- 1526 - Iyay amyay otnay ayay oulsay, Iyay amyay aconbay.
- 1544 - eThay ifeknay isyay atyay ymay oatthray. Iyay eesay edray, Iyay eesay ymay isionvay imday, ymay eetfay aggeddray otay ethay aughterhouseslay. ilenceSay unendingyay. Iyay ieday owingknay Iyay avehay onay oulsay.
June 16: World Hunger Appreciation Day
- 1586 - Mary, Queen of Scots drinks tea, foregoes crumpet, is thrown into the Tower of London by Elizabeth I.
- 1858 - Abraham Lincoln famously states that a house divided against itself cannot support itself very well and might very well lean to one side or perhaps fall over.
- 1897 - The United States, jealous of England's cliff lined beaches, officially annexes Hawaii and oppresses the natives.
- 1963 - Communism sends first woman into space. Capitalism sends first chicken sandwich into space. (Pictured)
- 1978 - Newton G. Hardwick of Nantucket steals a box of toothpicks from a local Wal-Mart and goes on a rampage, leaving one person bruised and five more slightly peeved.
- 1996 - Woman visits local bakery that for some inexplicable reason is still in business.
- 2002 - The inventor of the Comic Sans font is bludgeoned to death by graphic designers, it's just a font you monsters.
June 17: Presidential Mullet Day (U.S.)
- 1878 - Mount Everest built by Nepal to encourage tourism growth, and annoy Tibet.
- 1885 - An immigrant from France, the Statue of Liberty arrives in New York Harbor and lands a job as an oversized greeter.
- 1980 - Regicide is all the rage, until the local king bans it. Prude.
- 1992 - Lieutenant Planet is promoted to Captain Planet.
- 1994 - OJ Simpson, football legend and innocent man, is chased through the streets of LA in a show of overreach and incompetence by the LAPD.
- 1995 - Activists raid a waffle mill and manage to set thousands of waffles bred in captivity free onto the streets of Chicago.
- 2001 - After years of disappointing sales of Regular K, Kellogg's releases Special K to huge success.
June 18: High Flying Women's Day
- 1264 - The Parliament of Ireland meets at Castledermot in County Kildare, the first definitively known meeting of this Irish legislature. It's actually quite boring.
- 1812 - War of 1812: The United States declares war on the British Empire, the British respond by stopping the export of cricket and croquet products into America.
- 1917 - The first carbonated drink is put on the market, first batches are accidentally spiked with ridiculous amounts of cocaine.
- 1928 - Amelia Earhart attempts to crash land on a deserted island somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean, fails miserably.
- 1983 - NASA astronaut Sally Ride becomes the first woman to pierce the heavens and reach outer space. Valentina who?
- 2017 - According to Vatican astrologists, St. Peter's Basilica is scheduled to reawaken on this day, and will terrorize the Italian countryside until a Pope is sacrificed within its gaping maw. (Pictured)
June 19: Synthetic Cheese Product Day (Netherlands)
- 1269 - Louis IX of France orders all Jews in his domain to take jobs in banking, law and finance.
- 1770 - Christians hope for Jesus to come soon, 'cus they have to meet with their friends at the mall in the afternoon.
- 1776 - After the American Revolution is declared, George Washington proclaims: "I've made a huge mistake."
- 1865 - After slavery is banned in U.S., businessmen unveil new mode of labor called internships.
- 1953 - Julius and Ethel Rosenberg sell state secrets to Soviet Union for a barrel of Utz Cheese Balls and four labor vouchers. (Pictured)
- 1980 - Freddy Mercury spies a little silhouetto of a man, disappointed to find a group of horny women.
- 2012 - Wikileaks founder Julian Assange leaks his ex-wife's grocery list, because the people demand to know.
June 20: Have a Nice Day
- 1877 - Alexander Graham Bell installs the world's first telephone service. First order of business is to invent the phone sex hotline.
- 1893 - Lizzie Borden is acquitted for the murders of her father and stepmother, after brandishing an axe at the judge, jury and the prosecution.
- 1959 - A rare hurricane strikes Canada's Gulf of St. Lawrence, destroying vast Sasquatch habitat in Nova Scotia and postponing National Curling Championships.
- 1963 - The U.S. and the Soviet Union create an emergency "red telephone" hotline so leaders of both countries can talk about their day and ask about the weather.
- 1973 - Argentina dictator Juan Perón orders the killing of 50,000 civilians who call the Malvinas the Falkland Islands.
- 1994 - The British finally land on the Moon, mission nearly aborted when tea kettle briefly malfunctions. (Pictured)
June 21: Midsummer Night's Dream
- 5400 BC - Ancient Druids create early pornography out of large stones on the Salisbury Plain in England, sadly it only works one day of the year, leading to many wars.
- 1940 - World War II: France surrenders to Germany, and that's all everybody says about France, no one remembers the Partisans! Sacrebleu!
- 1941 - World War II: Germany invades the Soviets after having too much beer one night.
- 1964 - The Ku Klux Klan bankrupts Bed Bath & Beyond after buying out all their white linen sheets.
- 1982 - John Hinckley is found not guilty be reason of insanity after disagreeing with Reagan's ideas on supply-side economics.
- 1994 - Study by the University of Cambridge shows that 14% of people born under the sign of Cancer are mauled by giant crabs. (Pictured)
- 2002 - The WHO finds a cure for polio, they go on to perform "Magic Bus" and "Pinball Wizard" to throngs of celebrating doctors.
- 2007 - Pluto sues the International Astronomical Union for defamation of character and libel.
- 1633 - Catholic Rome forces Galileo Galilei to recant his heliocentric beliefs, horde of neckbeards immediately descend on Vatican to pester bishops with their unwashed body odor.
- 1774 - Britain forces Quebec to act excessively French as punishment for losing the French and Indian War. (Pictured)
- 1898 - America, angry at being forced to take two years of High School Spanish, invades Cuba to liberate it from un-American rule.
- 1907 - The London Underground opens up three new above-ground railways, protesters angry at the incongruous nomenclature are killed after trying to block the trains that run there.
- 1941 - Nazi Germany makes the fatal mistake of starting a land war in Eurasia. Amateur hour.
- 1978 - Pluto's moon Charon is discovered, is later demoted to dwarf moon for being insufficiently colorful.
- 2015 - A Turkish F-4 Phantom II Jet crashes in Syria after several Kurdish children get stuck in the air intake.
June 23: Burn Your Middle School Sonic OC Fanfiction Day
- 1610 - Europe is carved into that funny shape we all know it to be.
- 1929 - Puppies declared the cutest darned thing, Infant Lobby promises to take this to the Supreme Court.
- 1941 - Lithuania overthrows their Soviet oppressors and becomes an independent nation for about a week before the Nazis invade.
- 1994 - I certainly didn't commit a triple homicide in Schenectady, New York, and their bodies were definitely not dumped in the Hudson river.
- 2007 - Those Sonic cartoons you drew in that dolphin notebook in middle school are still at your aunt's house. (Pictured)
- 2010 - The Second Coming of Jesus Christ is complicated when he comes back as a Native American, Protestants appalled, Catholics ashamed, as usual.
- 2016 - After some goading from America, the United Kingdom actually does it, the absolute madman.
June 24: Pray for Someone Else to Do It Day
- 1146 - The Finnish people emerge from the Baltic sea in search of a home. (Pictured)
- 1664 - Hell starts to get full. New Jersey is founded.
- 1672 - The Polish win their first war after the elite Winged Hussars fly into battle, gliding just above the reach of enemy spears.
- 1902 - Pablo Picasso opens the first exhibit of his artwork, is immediately handed loads of money by haute art critics who don't want to seem square.
- 1957 - After the U.S. Supreme Court rules smut not protected by the first amendment, Playboy starts putting interviews on their magazine.
- 1913 - Greece and Serbia gives Bulgaria the silent treatment.
- 2004 - New York declares the death penalty unconstitutional, Texas offers to execute New Yorkers on their state's behalf.
June 25: National Redneck Day (U.S.)
- 524 - The Franks defeat the Burgers, and liberate the Ketchup Kingdom from its tyranny and oppressive roundness.
- 1741 - Maria Theresa of Austria is crowned King of Hungary in what is possibly the most confusing coronation in history.
- 1838 - The first use of Escher-esque architecture in children's playground equipment ends in tragedy after a child is transformed into two disembodied hands drawing each other.
- 1888 - Oscar Wilde pens The Happy Prince and Other Stories after discovering that children don't judge your prose.
- 1981 - General Electric introduces the outdoor toilet for use in smaller homes. Sales are fair-to-middling. (Pictured)
- 2008 - U.S. President Barack Obama selects a cabinet, yet would require nearly two more weeks to settle on an acceptable bookshelf.
- 2009 - Michael Jackson dies after his skin lightning cream turns him into pure sunlight.
June 26: Onanism Day
- 1924 - American troops leave the Dominican Republic after drinking all of their rum and horchata.
- 1948 - In response to the Berlin Blockade, allied fighter planes drop cans of food to mock starving communists who don't have can openers.
- 1960 - Madagascar gains its independence from France after France discovers they still owned Madagascar.
- 1963 - John F. Kennedy accidentally declares his solidarity with the citizens of Berlin after trying to express his love for jelly donuts.
- 2000 - Pope John Paul II reveals the third secret of Fátima: "Be sure to drink your Ovaltine."
- 2002 - The exact day and year you should have resumed masturbating after 9/11.
- 2015 - The U.S. Supreme Court rules masturbation to be "totally straight and not gay at all, fuck you Kevin."
June 27: Atheists Using Mithraism as an Argument Against the Existence of a Historical Jesus Day
- 476 - Odoacer sacks Rome in response to not being invited to the Senate's toga party.
- 1617 - The Hapsburg Dynasty is created after the 1st Dynasty Warriors set in feudal Austria.
- 1992 - Fedor Emelianenko defeats Terrorism at a twenty minute decision in PRIDE.
- 1974 - U.S. President Richard Nixon visits the Soviet Union, is inspired by the Potemkin village to invent the State of Massachusetts.
- 1976 - The Farrah flip-falls out of style in most Middle Eastern countries, except strangely in Oman.
- 1980 - Freddie Mercury finally gets to ride his bicycle.
- 2004 - Krispy Kreme invents the first Glazed atom bomb, but fat hungry people lick all the glaze off.
June 28: Adamand Eve in Nairobi & Iceland, Obliviousness Awareness Day in Chad
- 1493 - Unimpressed by Columbus' attempt to reach the Far East by sailing west, navigator Ernesto de Borgnine attempts to reach the Americas by sailing East. His ship crashes into the Cadiz docks thirty seconds into his journey.
- 1619 - Nostradamus predicts that everyone will die someday, including the music.
- 1745 - Sharon Stone begins her first retirement at the age of 57.
- 1851 - Franco-Pakistani War ends in a draw after a sudden death match.
- 1922 - The bloody war between Chile and France ends abruptly when both countries realize that they don't have common borders to fight over.
- 1945 - Everyone too tired from the end of the war to do anything at all.
- 1947 - Obliviousness Awareness Day declared in Chad.
- 1973 - Scholars discover the first gay couple, Adam and Steve, in Israel.
- 1980 - Earthquake in the Chinese village of Bu-Chu-Fu. Millions die.
- 2009 - One of our greatest, Billy Mays passes on to infomercial heaven. You can get Billy Mays and for a limited time only, his charisma for not one or two but three eternities!
June 29: Make Crude Jokes About Genitals Day
- 1194 – Sverre is crowned King of Norway, beginning a long reign of Danish Kings with unpronounceable names.
- 1542 – The comic strip Calvin and Hobbes debuts, lightheartedly poking fun at such contemporary topics as the Protestant Reformation. (Pictured)
- 1884 – The Picture of Dorian Gray is released by Oscar Wilde, consisting largely of crude jokes about genitals.
- 1965 – The auto accident starting the "Paul is dead" hoax occurs in England.
- 1972 – The U.S. Supreme Court rules the death penalty could constitute 'cruel and unusual punishment', particularly the more outlandish methods of carrying out the sentence, such as Texas' legendary alligator tank.
- 1999 – Prince continues to party.
- 2009 – Millions of Americans suffering from insomnia are miraculously cured when Jimmy Fallon receives his own late night talk show.
June 30: Dare A Younger Sibling To Eat An Insect Day (pictured)
- 3000 BC – Cain dares Abel to eat a scorpion. Abel does, and falls dead. Cain tries to explain it was an accident, but nobody will listen.
- 1500 BC – Aaron dares his younger brother Moses to eat a scarab beetle. Moses does so, and the gritty taste convinces him to lead his people from Egypt.
- 1859 – Oscar Wilde, despondent over not having a sibling to dare to eat an insect or be dared to eat an insect by, consumes an earwig.
- 1921 – U.S. President Warren G. Harding appoints former President William Howard Taft to the Supreme Court, after Taft successfully attempts to eat a small quantitiy of mosquitoes.
- 1959 – American actor Vincent D'Onofrio is born, paving the way to a career of acting as though he had just accepted a dare to eat a rather nasty-tasting insect.
- 1971 – Ohio ratifies the 26th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, lowering the voting age to 18, and lowering the threshold at which younger siblings are no longer required to accept bug-related dares to 16.
- 1999 – The Court of Bermuda sentences Erik Deli to death for putting mosquito paste on his younger brother's sandwich.
July 1: Canada Day in Canada; Canada Awareness Day in Civilized Countries
- 1863 – The Battle of Gettysburg begins. One hundred forty years later, Brooke leaves me, sparking my own personal battle.
- 1867 – The British North America Act takes effect as the Constitution of Canada, creating the Canadian Confederation, and laying down the first widely accepted standard rules of hockey.
- 1890 – Canada and Bermuda are linked by telegraph cable; Canada briefly enjoys participation in the Bermuda Triangle until a lobster severs the connection.
- 1933 – The Canadian Parliament suspends all Chinese immigration; the dreams of countless Chinese youths of playing hockey for a career are sundered.
- 1970 – Boston Bruins goaltender Gerry Cheevers is honored on Canada Day as the Canadian of the Year.
- 1980 – O Canada officially becomes the national anthem of Canada, replacing Canada Is Pretty Neat, Eh?
- 2020 – The United States invades Canada with the intention of creating the massive new national park "Mooseland". After arriving, however, nothing of any interest was found, and all armed forces were withdrawn from the area.
July 2: Canada Day (Canada) (if July 1 falls on a Sunday (which it didn't)); Confusing Parentheses Day
- 1492 – After becoming extremely confused by oceanic parentheses, Christopher Columbus arrives in The New World, believing it to be China.
- 1566 – French astrologer Nostradamus dies. Didn't see that one coming, did ya Nostradamus?
- 1698 – Thomsas Savery patents the first steam engine, designed to mechanically move a horse's legs so as to reduce the amount of effort required to pull a horse-drawn buggy.
- 1882 – Oscar Wilde reaches the height of his celebrity, arriving to the premiere of his play The Importance of Being Earnest in a luxury stretch horsebuggy.
- 1947 – A weather balloon crashes in the desert near Roswell, New Mexico. The Army covers up the loss of the weather balloon by claiming it was an alien spaceship.
- 1962 – The first Wal-Mart opens for business in Rogers, Arkansas. The primitive version of the store offers only guns, confederate flags, and bullets.
- 1996 – Aliens attack the world, destroying New York, Los Angeles, Washington D.C., everywhere else. Bill Pullman, Will Smith survive.
July 3: International Hot Pocket Day
- 1775 – In the American Revolutionary War, George Washington goes to Cambridge, Massachusetts and takes command of the Continental Army, known for their delicious breakfasts.
- 1776 – The Declaration of Independence is peer reviewed.
- 1870 – Oscar Wilde graduates from Maudlin College, Oxford, with a double-first in Modern Classics and Flower Arranging.
- 1885 – "He who hath smelt it, dealt it" ruling in federal court sets new legal precedent.
- 1890 – The moderately severe United States Potato Shortage of the 1880s is resolved when Idaho is accepted as the 43rd U.S. state.
- 1978 – Conceptual artist Humphrey Crawford exhibits his piece Oil, urine and diesel on canvas (pictured).
- 1996 – Jeff Goldblum finally begins to figure out how to take down the aliens.
- 1983 – After a wild night of passion between a Pop Tart and a mediocre plate of Italian food, the Hot Pocket is conceived.
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July 4: National Shoot Your Terrorist Neighbour Day in the United States
- 993 – Saint Skeet Ulrich of Augsburg canonized. Unfortunately, they used too much powder and he overshot the catch net.
- 1776 – King George III receives a letter from the colonies; throws it out thinking that it's yet another menu from a pizza restaurant.
- 1862 – Abraham Lincoln proclaims an end to the American Civil War. He waits a moment, then yells "Psych!"
- 1917 – American troops in Flanders attempt to recreate the famous Christmas Truce of 1914 by holding a 4th of July barbeque in No Man's Land. The results are predictable.
- 1944 – American troops blow up Normandy, decreasing the size of France.
- 1969 – Birth of Will Smith. The world rejoices. Warring forces in Vietnam, Czechoslovakia and Detroit lay down their arms, and join together in ushering in the new Golden Age of Mankind.
- 1996 – Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum save the world by infecting the alien mothership with a computer virus, thus continuing the time-honored tradition of infections saving the world from aliens. Will Smith tries to take all the credit, but Jeff Goldblum threatens to sic his Jewish father on him.
July 5: X Day; Day After We Kicked The Brits Ass Day (Southern US)
- 334 BC – Masturbation is accidentally invented by Plato in Athens. His diciple Aristoteles is later declared "Master of his domain"
- 1687 – Isaac Newton (pictured) discovers gravity after being hit on the head by a falling fig.
- 1689 – After outbreak of falling fruit, Isaac Newton officially changes gravity to 7.
- 1946 – The bikini is introduced in Paris, France. Later, no bikini atoll was the trend.
- 1967 – The first kidney transplant to be made entirely of lego bricks ends in tragedy
- 1976 – Dumbass starts running across the United States.
- 1998 – Aliens fail to turn up and fry everyone to a pink crisp.
- 1999 – Again, the aliens miss the due date.
- 2000 – Yet again, the aliens fail to meet their contractual obligations.
- 2001 – Cultists get seriously pissed off with yet another no-show.
- 2002 – Kooks consider taking legal action against missing aliens.
- 2003 – Aliens turned up, but not the right aliens. Bloody mocking tourists.
- 2004 – No one turns up because no one expects the aliens to. And, yup, they didn't.
- 2005 – If you are reading this, the aliens did not turn up for the 8th year running.
- 2005 – Longest fart in world history. Produced by AMB.
- 2006 – That's right, still no aliens.
- 2006 – Zombies become extinct.
- 2007 – Deal or No Deal? The aliens decide to take the money and not show up - again!
- 2010 – The Church Of The Subgenius hijacks the Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/July 5 page
- 2155 – Aliens almost turned up but missed a left due to wrong directions and landed on Venus.
- 2156 – Aliens turn up and land in Tokyo but flee due to a Gundam Statue that lit up at night.
- 19447 – Aliens appear as tourists, but at this point no one cares.
July 6: Man Milk Day
- 3100 BC – Village idiot starts sucking on a cow's titty; discovers milk.
- 2300 BC – Chinese religious officers declared that drinking milk is a sin.
- 1609 – Bohemia is granted freedom of religion. The Bohemians snap their fingers in approval.
- 1732 – The 'Running of the Bulls' Festival in Pamploma, originally, 'The Drowning of the Animals' Festival, undergoes Major overhaul. PETA established.
- 1946 – George W. Bush born; record numbers of brain death recorded in America.
- 1977 – Idiot deems day "Man Milk Day" and proceeds to schedule lame events (Editor advises they read the article "How To Be Funny And Not Just Stupid")
- 1978 – Margaret Thatcher blesses the first man to be milked.
- 1986 – Mike Portnoy founded the band Dream Theater
- 1988 – Shemales riot near Rio de Janeiro to obtain the rights for selling their milk to earn a living.
- 1996 – Mike Portnoy travels back in time to found the band Dream Theater
- 2004 – Man Milk is found to be an excellent source of energy for athletes. Naturally, using it in this fashion is outlawed by the U.N. under pressure by the Gatorade overlords of the universe.
- 2006 – San Seattle Riot kills 6 Caloringtons
July 7: Misleading Hyperlinks Day
- 1456 - Twenty-five years after Joan of Arc was burnt at the stake, local clergy say sorry.
- 1862 - Queen Victoria gives the first public display of Breakdancing at Wembley Stadium
- 1888 - Oscar Wilde heavily utilizes misleading hyperlinks when writing his article The Decay of Lying.
- 1944 - President Franklin D. Roosevelt declares that today be "National Fracas Day". (Pictured)
- 1946 - Anna of Austria, Duchess of Bavaria, daughter of Ferdinand I is born.
- 1995 - Toby Keith writes hit song, "Dirt Roads and Beer Trucks".
- 2003 - NASA launches the Mars Opportunity Rover into outer space.
- 2002 - Noted musical artist Jon Bon Jovi cancels a worldwide tour to focus on hair feathering.
July 8: Pregnancy Appreciation Day
- 1300 - The Navajo invent Antbortion.
- 1682 - The Ovum is first viewed through a microscope.
- 1838 - American Evangelists begin teaching that being born again is necessary for salvation.
- 1973 - Backstreet abortionists are run out of business by legal abortion clinics.
- 1974 - Planned Parenthood is founded, preforming free abortions in exchange for money and referring friends to do the same.
- 1981 - The first successful hotwiring of a uterus is preformed.
- 1998 - AMA publishes: HowTo:Deliver a Baby, A Concise and Easy-to-follow Guide Developed, Tested, and Approved by the AMA (No, Not that AMA. The Other One) and Reprinted with the Permission of the JAMA (Also a Different One).
- 2008 - Sarah Palin's daughter's unborn child falls pregnant
July 9: International "Hug a Zombie" Day
- 2340 BC - Egyptians create Hug a Zombie Day when depressed, long-buried Egyptian soldiers rise from the grave and demand brains.
- 31 - Jesus raises Lazarus from dead and gives him a hug and a warm kiss.
- 1984 - Margaret Thatcher becomes the first ideological zombie ever to hold public office in Britain.
- 1985 - A new age for Zombiekind is ushered as a number of prominent zombies appear in a Michael Jackson music video.
- 1998 - Several Brooklyn residents are turned into zombies after a zombie pigeon escapes from its lab in Staten Island.
- 2011 - The United Nations celebrates Undead Rights Day, event promptly cancelled when supporters get eaten by massive horde of undead.
- 2013 - Zombie Apocalypse leaves whole world Zombiefied, zombies forced to hug each other.
July 10: International Bathroom Stall Graffiti Day
- 1796 – Carl Friedrich Gauss discovers that every positive integer is representable as a sum of at most three triangular numbers, yet he remains steadfastly confounded by other number-shapes such as the octagonal numbers and the irritating square pi.
- 1821 – The United States takes possession of its newly bought territory of Florida from Spain. The state instantly becomes recognized for its oranges, old people, hurricanes, and other stereotypes, except for Disney World which was not constructed until 1875.
- 1938 – Diabolical billionaire Howard Hughes sets a new record by completing a 91 hour flight around the world in just 87 hours.
- 2005 – Microsoft decides to remove the "Undo" button from all its programs, "for customer convenience".
- 2006 – Realizing their mistake in the previous year, Microsoft tries to fix the problem, yet is unable to Undo the mistake due to the lack of a button enabling this process.
- 2007 – On the anniversary of its acquisition by the United States, Florida is flooded while ironically leaving Sea World above water (pictured).
July 11: International Pull My Finger Day; Fake Fart Appreciation Day (Rural Alabama, Georgia)
- 1307 – Walter Tell, offspring of the famed archery enthusiast William Tell, pioneered the art of Interpretive Death by creatively expiring after suffering a major crossbow incident.
- 1796 – The United States takes possession of Detroit from Great Britain under the terms of the Jay Treaty. Great Britain immediately regrets this transaction when the Detroit Red Wings win the Stanley Cup in 1798.
- 1804 – Secretary of the Treasury Alexander Hamilton is mortally wounded in a duel with United States Vice President Aaron Burr in the last major political duel before the Political Dueling Edict of 1822 was imposed by the new generation of sissy-boy lawmakers.
- 1859 – A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens is published. Oscar Wilde immediately parodies many of Dickens' concepts in his novel the Picture of Dorain Gray.
- 1864 – The American Civil War does not live up to its name as a Civil War, as pleasantries are barely exchanged before the Battle of Fort Stevens.
- 1925 – Famous monster Oscar the Grouch (pictured) is born in the slums of Sesame Street. He does not earn the added moniker of "Grouch" until he resorts to selling candy to children after bedtime following a long string of hardships.
July 12: Feast of Peter and Paul (Catholic Church), Feast of a Thousand Lasagnas (Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster) (pictured)
- 1870 – In the midst of high school, and without the convenience of LiveJournal, Oscar Wilde expresses his angst and sorrow by composing the poems Poems.
- 1917 – The The Bisbee Deportation occurs as vigilantes kidnap and deport nearly 1,300 minors from Bisbee, Arizona. The children are forced to wander the Arizona desert in search of shelter and sustinence.
- 1993 – The sale of Chex Mix is officially banned in the United States after disturbing trends regarding improper usage come to light.
- 1998 – Icelandic megastar Björk is arrested for allegedly causing several thousand dollars worth of damage to an Icelandic bed and breakfast. She is later acquitted after testifying "I am the round and the square, the ocean is sea."
- 2004 – Harold And Kumar finally make it to White Castle.
- 2008 – The United States Presidential race heats up, as Senator John McCain reveals his platform and begins intensive campaigning.
July 13: Surreptitiously Masturbate Near A Sleeping Stranger Day
- 1921 – Sinead O'Connor is arrested for indecent exposure in a coma ward.
- 1945 – The Manhattan Engineering District achieves its first major success, giving the ability of flight to a medium-sized mouse.
- 1987 – The United States Supreme Court rules that disciplining your monkey near a sleeping stranger (pictured) is unconstitutional.
- 2003 – Stunningly gorgeous tennis sensation Martina Hingis stuns her fans by announcing her retirement. Her fans cry for days and refuse to eat.
- 2005 – Uncyclopedia viciously and unfairly deleted by extremist Wikipedians.
- 2009 – The Uncyclopedia Anniversaries break the fourth wall by telling you to get a job, you lazy git!
July 14: National Surrender Day (France)
- 1789 - French citizens storm the Bastille, a large prison, and free seven prisoners who were wrongly incarcerated after being accused of that most heinous of crimes in France: being English.
- 1798 - The Sedition Act becomes United States law, making it a federal crime to write, publish, or utter false or malicious statements about the U.S. government.
- 1969 - The United States removes all large bills from circulation, much to the dismay of the legendary Salmon P. Chase (the face of the $10,000 bill) and his adoring fans.
- 1974 - It's Christmas, Folks, and Just Look at the Mess We've Made by John Lennon reached number one on the charts.
- 2000 - A powerful solar flare, later named the Bastille Day Event, causes a geomagnetic storm on Earth. French partisans attack sun by throwing sunblock and parasols at the sky.
- 2007 - A breakthrough study shows that those who read often are better at reading than those who seldom read.
July 15: Throw Your Controller at the Screen Day
- 1982 - Atari releases E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial for the Atari 2600, and is met with rave reviews and general praise from gamers and critics alike.
- 1986 - Dragon Warrior (Pictured) is released for the Nintendo Entertainment System, paving the way for role-playing video games.
- 1987 - The most angry singer in the world was born in Las Vegas, Nevada. First thing he did in his life was to throw his NES controller in the TV.
- 1988 - The first adult-oriented video game is released for the Nintendo Entertainment System, but the inadequate processors and primitive graphics of the time render the game more confusing than erotic.
- 1997 - GoldenEye 007 is released for the Nintendo 64, panned by critics due to lack of achievements and customizable hats.
- 2002 - Playing off the massive success of The Lord of the Rings franchise, a videogame based on The Silmarillion is developed, where you play the role of someone trying to read The Silmarillion.
July 16: International Turning Japanese Day (United States)
- 1812 – Niels Bohr laid out the first Table of the Elements, containing less than half of the elements known today, but including most of the important ones such as Linoleum and Kryptonite.
- 1862 – American Civil War: David Farragut becomes the first United States Navy rear admiral, becoming the butt end of 'rear admiral' jokes for decades.
- 1945 – The Age of Large, Mutated Reptiles begins (pictured) when the United States successfully detonates a nuclear weapon, unleashing gigantic horrors upon the world (mostly Japan).
- 1972 – The Time Cubicle Theory is first developed. The lead theorist was certainly not on any sort of brutally mind-bending narcotics.
- 1994 – Comet Shoemaker-Levy 9 collides with Jupiter and is sentenced to twenty space-years of probation for reckless endangerment and orbiting without a license.
- 2002 – Stephen Hawkins' dissertation on Modern Advances in Mathematical Theory suitably impresses the brunette in the fifth row, and they both retire to the library for a cozy study session and a quick bout of intercourse.
July 17: Dog Days Begin (Summer), Professional Copiousness Day (Uncyclopedia)
- 800 – With the Roman empire in shambles, the Dark Ages begin, ushering in a time of mysterious axe wounds and serfdom.
- 1717 – The Blackbeard Catering Company (pictured) is founded, offering full foodservice and a variety of bar items including rum and grog, all at competitive rates.
- 1934 – Faced with demands to clean up its act, Hollywood introduced the Hays Code, which set guidelines for things such as the use of negroes in film.
- 1948 – The U.S. Presidential ticket of Strom Thurmond and his New Hampshire Merchant Cat, Stripey, garnered over one million votes in the general election.
- 1955 – Disneyland establishes its independence from Pixar.
- 1995 – The Snopes website comes online, and the truth and validity of countless rumors and urban legends, such as the safety and sexuality of children's toys and children's icons, respectively, are quashed.
- 1981 – Absolutely nothing of any consequence happens.
- 2005 – Misquoting Jesus, a book by Bart Ehrman, is published. Within a few short weeks it becomes the center of a firestorm of controversy, most of it defending Jesus' accomplishments as described in the Bible, among them "champion surfer" and "speedboat owner".
July 18: Buy the Ticket, Take the Ride Day
- 1835 – Bobwire is invented by Bob "Two-thumbs" McGinty.
- 1863 – American Civil War: Matthew Broderick, Denzel Washington, and Morgan Freeman charge a Confederate fort in what is commonly agreed to be one of the most passionate scenes in cinema history.
- 1872 – Britain introduces secret ballot voting so that aristocrats across the country may more convincingly drop their monocles in indignant surprise after the rabble have their way.
- 1879 – Oscar Wilde obtains the cane he becomes known for posing with during a contest of wit with a man owning a cane.
- 1883 – Jimmy the Cowboy is born in what is believed to be Kentucky.
- 1969 – Mary Jo Kopechne & Sen. Ted Kennedy plunge off Chappaquiddick Bridge, thus tying up all the lose ends.
- 1971 – Hunter S. Thompson has a rather nasty trip. Buy the Ticket, Take the Ride Day established in honor of this occasion.
- 1990 – Interruptions continued to occur in all aspects of daily business as people repeatedly were urged to "stop" during the period known as "Hammer Time".
July 19: Swallows Return (Capistrano), Great Cat Feast (also Capistrano), Ice Age ends.
- 1545 – The Tudor warship Mary Rose sinks off Portsmouth, after leaving an outer porthole ajar in a storm.
- 1553 – Jean Grey (pictured) is replaced as Phoenix by Queen Mary, after holding that title for just nine days.
- 1870 – France declares war on Chef Boyardee, starting the Franco-American War.
- 1877 – 1st Wimbledon Tennis Championship is held, oddly enough, in Hoboken, New Jersey.
- 1989 – STACEY CHIN'S Birthday and Another attempt made by Paolo for a unique birthday message.
- 1992 – Actor Luke Perry reches the height of his celebrity and records a world-record 18 public service announcements in one day.
- 1993 – Award-winning author Rod Jensen publishes his work So Your Wife Wants To Become A Minister (And Other Solutions To Your Daily Problems) to great success.
- 2622 – Time Machines are invented, and history is re-written. All the above is rendered possibly false.
July 20: Window Licking Day (Scotland)
- 1903 – The Ford Motor Company ships its first car, the Model R, with an engine that powers its four wooden wheels with whale oil.
- 1928 – The government of Hungary issues a decree ordering Gypsies to settle in one place, surrender their Gypsy gold, and take a bath goddammit!
- 1969 – NASA astronaut Louis Armstrong becomes the first man to set foot on the moon (pictured) when Apollo 11 splashes down in the Sea of Tranquillity.
- 1974 – Turkeys invade Cyprus.
- 1981 – The chemical compund Anime is first isolated in a Japanese laboratory.
- 2006 – A small Minnesota town mourns the loss of a small child who drowned in a pond.
July 21: National Fight Day (UK), Belgium Awareness Day
- 1066 – Fight Day established by humans; "You do not talk about Fight Day," proclaims the King, shortly before being impaled on a sword by Normans.
- 1298 – Battle of Falskirt: Edward Longlegs defeats Mel Gibson's Scottish hooligans in a poker game.
- 1949 – The United States ratifies the North Atlantic Treaty, officially enacting a truce with the hostile North Atlantic Ocean that would be honored until sea otters invade Boston in 1977.
- 1958 – The elusive and mysterious pond whale (pictured) is first described in scientific literature.
- 1977 – Sea otters invade Boston.
- 2006 – The first in a wildly successful series of prison journals is published on Uncyclopedia.
- 2007 – "Celebrating Fight Day may increase your risk of getting into a fight" says a statistitian after completing a 30-year research program.
July 22: Oh, my God! It's National Hysteria Day (United States), and you HAVEN'T MADE ANY PLANS!
- 0 – Scientists decide the Earth is round, not flat. This is proven wrong when a sailor "falls off" the world and is never seen again.
- 1066 – King Harold inaugurates National Hysteria Day with his famous speech "Holy shit! It's the fucking Normans! AAAAAAAAA!"
- 1855 – A brief cease-fire is called in the Crimean War until Lord Raglan gets his sobbing under control.
- 1929 – Dozens of stockbrokers and bankers leap out of windows in wild National Hysteria Day celebration.
- 1966 – Australian Prime Minister Sir Robert Menzies celebrates the nine hundredth anniversary of National Hysteria Day by running around in circles, screaming.
- 1986 – Copious amount of vodka-induced partying causes several employees of the Chernobyl nuclear power plant to hysterically panic when the reactor can't handle the sound system. They take out a few control rods to compensate the drain on the power grid.
- 1990 – Media outlets report the outbreak of a deadly virus in the United States. Thirty-eight people die of panic attacks from the announcement, and two more are killed by the virus itself.
- 2006 – TOTAL FUCKING HYSTERIA!
July 23: Promptly Shoot Everyone Day
- 1914 – Archduke Franz Ferdinand, his wife, and his moustache are shot and killed while travelling to market in an open buggy, triggering World War I.
- 1942 – Promptly Shoot Everyone Day receives a tremendous boost with the opening of the Treblinka Concentration Camp. Up to six million take part.
- 1963 – Lee Harvey Oswald (pictured) is assassinated in the Texas Book Depository in Dallas. His alleged assassin is promptly shot, creating a firestorm of controversy and insane conspiracy theories printed on poorly xeroxed fliers.
- 1965 – Malcolm X gives a speech in New York City, decrying the racist motivations behind Promptly Shoot Everyone Day. He is promptly shot and replaced by Malcolm XI.
- 1973 – Bob Marley promptly shoots the sheriff, but he swears he did not shoot the deputy, or at least he did not shoot the deputy in a timely manner.
- 1986 – Britain's Prince Andrew marries Sarah Ferguson at Westminster Abbey in London. He then promptly shoots her in the face.
- 1982 – Sasuke Uchiha is born and then shot ... promptly.
- 2005 – Egypt attempts to expand the festival by introducing Promptly Blow Everyone Up Day, leaving 88 dead. Branded "a wild success" by President.
- 2007 – An aspiring pornography actor adopts the moniker "Promptly Shot", but he isn't hired for some reason.
- 2009 – I shot you ... promptly.
July 24: Pioneer Day (Utah), Polygamy Week Begins (Also Utah)
- 1132 – Battle of Nocera between Ranulf II of Alife and Roger II of Sicily takes place in Italy. Ranulf's fettucine narrowly bests Roger's linguine, and Italy adopts fettucine as the National Stereotypical Food.
- 1487 – Citizens of Leeuwarden, Netherlands, unsatisfied with watered‑down domestics, rebel against a ban on foreign beer.
- 1947 – Brigham Young and all his merry wives arrive in Utah to establish Mormonism, and in doing so guarantee that even the ugliest son of a bitch (pictured) can have multiple mates.
- 1983 – Hacker Richard M. Stallman launches the GNU project, an effort to protect the endangered gnu, a buffalo‑like animal, from extinction using mainly open‑source code.
- 2000 – While on the Presidential campaign trail, George W. Bush reads a helpful guide to living life that helps him on his way to the Oval Office.
- 2008 – The Dark Knight is released, becoming an instant box office smash hit, and reaching the all‑time pinnacle for film.
- 2009 – I like the fact that you're reading the anniversaries right now. I really, really do.
July 25: International Talk Like Yoda Day, it is.
- A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away... – Social Security investigators witness Yoda's light saber battle with Count Dooku, they do. Hmmmm. Realise, they do, that the walking stick thing is a charade. "Your incapacity benefit try and remove, we will" they tell him. "Do or do not", cleverly replies he, "There is no try."
- 306 – Proclaimed Roman emperor, Constantine I is, by his troops.
- 1946 – Detonated underwater, it is, in the lagoon of Bikini atoll, an atomic bomb. Swimsuits of Women are torn in half, they are. Protest, by this action, they show.
- 1947 – The United Nations, Talks Like Yoda Day, it innaugurates.
- 1951 – The Korean War, pauses it does so that both sides can this day enjoy.
- 1962 – President Kennedy visits Berlin and proclaims "Ein Berliner, Ich bin."
- 1969 – Neil Armstrong lands on the moon. His first message: "Hm, yes, one small step for man, this is. One giant leap for mankind, also it is."
- 1970 – When asked, Mao Zedong is, by reporter ██████ ████ whether more powerful capitalism is than communism, replies, he does, "No. Quicker, easier it is."
- 1980 – "Eheh. Wars not make one great!" quips Jimmy Carter. He is soon defeated in a landslide.
- 1981 – "Mr. President! Freed the hostages are!" shouts a reporter as Ronald Reagan declares "Darth Ayatollah, powerful and bearded he is!"
- 2004 – George W. Bush spends most of the day pretending to listen to questions put to him, then widening his eyes and saying "Yoda! You seek Yoda!" This goes on until Dick Cheney breaks his arm with a tire iron.
- 2005 – Ted Kennedy remarks to Howard Dean, "John Kerry was our last chance to stop Bush and Cheney. To which Dean replies, "No....there is another! ; ( " later revealed that even though they once made out, Hillary Clinton is John Kerry's sister.)
- 2006 – For the previous entry, shot an uncyclopedia editor is.
July 26: Punch Your Girlfriend Day (Michigan)
- 3400 B.C. – Cave man punch woman. then laugh
- 589 – King Arthur declares himself King of England after using Excalibur to hit his woman.
- 657 – Battle of Siffin. Theys was Diffin, yo. No I'm sayn, Bitch?
- 790 – The practice of "back handing" starts in Europe as a cure for the women talking. It has a success rate of 80%.
- 810 – The practice of "back handing" ends in Europe as reports of excessively clean houses increase.
- 1521 – Famed prophet Nostradamus predicts that the King of England will have an affair and take the Queen of France as his mistress.
- 1524 – Nostradamus's house gets egged by an angry mob as they find his prediction to be wrong and that the King of England does not take the Queen of France as his mistress, but the Prince of Germany.
- 1536 – King Henry VIII of England takes Punch Your Girlfriend day to new extremes, by killing two of his wives.
- 1590 – Martin Luther changes his "100 Thesis" to the "99 Thesis" by deleting the sentence, "Priests are not to be allowed to have relations with children."
- 1792 – The Whiskey Rebellion is lost as George Washington and his troops march to fight off rebels while they were drunk singing "99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer. We take one down, pass it around, and 98 bottles of beer on the wall..."
- 1812 – The War of 1812 starts as an 18 year old young British boy gets in a fist fight with a 12 year old American. The two nations get involved as they send reinforcements to help the children.
- 1834 – The whoopie cushion is invented as a seat cover, but does not sell well for making "sounds of unwanted body gases."
- 1870 – The typewriter is invented with only the keys Ctrl, Alt, and Delete.
- 1956 – Harry Belafonte is impregnated by deadly black tarantulas as Shari Belafonte is born among a bunch of bananas.
- 1966 – Bloblobo, king of Bababa, knights Bob the salesmen for his studies in the field of OhmygodIforgottochangemyboxersology.
- 1974 – A Scottish man is viciously attacked by an alien squid after mistaking the creature for his bagpipes. Several women are punched in the process.
- 1988 – Reading in terror - Godzilla is born in the Royal Berkshire Hospital.
- 1994 – Like Henry VIII, O.J. Simpson takes "punch your girlfriend day" a step further by murdering his wife.
- 1997 – Peter Piper picks a peck of pickled peppers. Pfft!
- 2000 – 35 people with the Y2K bug are hospitalized after having close physical contact with their computers.
- 2007 – The Green Archers are beaten by The Blue Eagles, The Archers then punch their girlfriends for not cheering hard enough. The Eagles punch their girlfriends in ecstasy.
- 2008 – Max Mosley celebrates "punch your girlfriend day" by dressing as a Nazi prison guard.
- 2089 – Chuck Norris punches girlfriend, waking his dentist and long-deceased great-great-great-great grandfather Odysseus.
- 3001 – Justin Bieber's preserved remains finally hit puberty.
July 27: StarCraft Day (Korea), Nerdery Day (Internetopia)
- 7 BC – First computer created, using a yard of string, a goat, and three partially eaten kidney beans.
- 6 BC – The first computer nerd (pictured) fixes a goat/bean compatibility issue on a local goatherd's new computer.
- 3 BC – A computer nerd/farmer has sex with his goat causing string problems and generating large amounts of upchucked kidney beans, thus creating the first computer virus.
- 0 BC – A child runs through a field and trips over a string where a vast network of stringed goats are being held. The chain reaction sets off an epidemic of bean-upchucking and goat-kicking that doesn't end until the goats are re-neutered and restringed.
- 500 – A woman proposes the use of thin strips of silicon to faciliate the use of micro-circuitry, halving computer sizes and doubling their speed. The woman is stoned to death then given a medal after being credited with the discovery of the breast implant. Male suicide rates halved.
- 666 – Steve Jobs trades his soul to Satan for StarCraft, the first game capable of running on goats tied together with string. He goes on to invent Blizzard.
- 1000 – The Y1K Bug destroys computers, causing the human race to be enslaved by toasters. Later someone pulls the plug on the toasters and the humans are freed.
- 1866 – Cyrus Field successfully completes the Atlantic Cable, thus allowing for the largest single transfer of internet porn in history.
- 1914 – British troops invade the streets of Dublin and demand free wifi.
- 1979 – Actor Penis Van Lesbian changes his name to the more acceptable Dick Van Dyke.
- 2003 – English tribute band Two Humps is formed in Nottinghamfordshire-upon-Kent, Surrey, England.
- 2007 – The finincially ailing Area 51 is forced to open its doors to the public in order to avoid bankruptcy.
- 2010 – StarCraft II is released to the public. Koreans everywhere rejoice.
- 2011 – Blizzard denies allegations that a third installment, StarCraft III, is under development. Koreans everywhere grieve.
- 2036 – StarCraft III is officially confirmed by Blizzard. Koreans everywhere rejoice.
- 2057 – The Japanese discover how to manufacture immortality out of panties and meth, and subsequently sell it from vending machines. Koreans steal the formula and take over the world.
- 2135 – StarCraft III is released. Walmart regains control of the world because Koreans are too busy playing it.
July 28: National Fondue and Chocolate Day (Switzerland) (pictured)
- 1020 – Swiss man Arkov Chenbort accidentally drops chocolate into vat of fondue. Entire village enjoys snack.
- 1439 – A continent-wide fondue shortage in Europe causes citizens to whine, moan, complain, and otherwise be unhappy.
- 1794 – Robespierre is sent to the guillotine for declaring white chocolate the Chocolate of the Revolution...and for thinking July could be renamed Thermedor.
- 1956 – The first video game is introduced, allowing the player to move a dot to one of two locations on a projected screen using punch cards. Legendary gamer AAA makes his debut, setting the all-time high score of 13, which stands to this day.
- 1972 – On a trip to Vietnam, Jane Fondue is captured in a photograph that caused chocolate sales to soar, at least to her for a while.
- 1999 – After widespread internet rumors concerning chocolate shortages are proven to be false, many of the instigators are banned from the internet.
- 2007 – Bashing one's head against a brick wall is officially substitued for fondue and chocolate in some of the poorer areas of the world.
Jülÿ 29: Hëävÿ Mëtäl Ümläüt Däÿ
- 166 - King Arthur dëcïdës thät chängïng hïs nämë tö "Kïng Ärthür" wïll mäkë hïm söünd härdcörë, thüs märkïng thë fïrst üsë öf thë Hëävÿ Mëtäl Ümläüt.
- 1776 - Thömäs Jëffërsön, ä nötëd Hëävÿ Mëtäl fän, ädds Hëävÿ Mëtäl Ümläüts tö thë bëgïnnïng tëxt öf thë Dëclärätïön öf Ïndëpëndëncë (Pïctürëd) tö mäkë thë Ü.S. sëëm pöwërfül tö Kïng Gëörgë ÏÏÏ.
- 1949 - Chäïrmän Mäö Zëdöng ännöüncës thät änÿönë ïn Chïnä whö döës nöt wrïtë thëïr Chïnësë wïth ümläüts övër thëïr chäräctërs wïll bë sübjëct tö rë-ëdücätïön.
- 1961 - Ü.S. Prësïdënt Jöhñ F. Këññëdÿ ëntërs öffïcë wïth tïldës övër hïs n's. Twö ÿëärs lätër, hë ïs ässässïnätëd bÿ Lëë Härvëÿ Öswäld, whö fäïlëd Spänïsh äs ä chïld.
- 1985 – Thë Cöcä-Cölä Cömpänÿ ïntrödücës Nëw Côkë, ä värïänt öf Cöcä-Cölä wïth ä cïrcümflëx. Thë nëw drïnk fäïls hörrïblÿ änd thë öld Cöcä-Cölä ïs rëïnstätëd.
- 1998 – Ü.S. Prësïdënt Bïll Clïntøn üsës ä Scändïnävïän "ø" ïn hïs nämë ïnstëäd öf än ümläüt ïn ä lëttër tö Mönïcä Lëwïnskÿ. Thïs rësülts ïn thë Lëwïnskÿ scändäl, whïch älmöst cäüsës Clïntøn's ïmpëächmënt.
July 30: International Page Blanking Day
July 31: Feast of St. Leslie Nielsen (Uncyclopedia)
- 781 – The oldest redorced eruption of noted volcano Mt. Fuji occurs, raining the Japanese countryside with scorched lenses and bits of charred film.
- 1498 – Christopher Columbus, on his third voyage to the Western Hemisphere, still refuses to ask for directions to India.
- 1588 – The Spanish Armada is spotted off of England; very few were expecting said Inquisition.
- 1919 – Germany's Weimar Constitution and Other Fables is penned.
- 1921 – The International Astronomical and Astrological Society dubs Gemini (pictured) to be the most revered of all constellations.
- 1947 – Jingo Grand Championship: India headbutts the UK negating its win of 1858. Mahatma Gandhi is named player of the year and becomes the first to claim "I'm going to Disney World".
- 1951 – V.S. Pritchett publishes Mr. Beluncle, which quickly became a minor classic among English readers, yet was not well supported by American critics who responded with silly faces and much brow-furrowing.
- 1992 – Harry Potter is born.
- 3491 – Third Robot invasion of U.S. capital Grand Forks, North Dakota is repelled by soldiers under the leadership of president George Bush XXVI.
August 1: Swiss Cheese Day (Belgium)
- 1844 - The FBI executes a sting operation to capture turnip kingpin Baldrick. (Pictured)
- 1910 - The first drive-by shooting happens on the streets of Los Angeles, the culprit is quickly apprehended by off-duty cop on a leisurely stroll.
- 1923 - Calvin Klein is elected mayor of Cologne, Germany. He runs things rather poorly.
- 1949 - Wichita man born with a penis on his spine receives the first massage with a happy ending, mostly by accident.
- 1957 - Rod Serling is ticketed in the middle ground between Light and Shadow, for driving intoxicated in... the Twilight Zone.
- 1979 - As a joke, Australia elects its first kangaroo prime minister, whose mishandling of the Australian legal system inspires the term "Kangaroo court".
- 1986 - Ronald Reagan attempts to nuke Russia after a wet dream involving Gorbachev.
August 2: Intentionally Give A Stranger Misleading Directions Day
- 456 - Maurading Mongol hoardes are repeatedly given misleading directions, resulting in wide swaths of carnage being cut through unsuspecting and largely unpopulated regions of central Europe.
- 1877 - When asked for directions by a stranger, Oscar Wilde, then at the height of his wit, searingly suggested that the stranger seek directions from his own mother.
- 1922 - Allen Zeitgeist asks for directions to New York from Boston. Told to "turn left where the large tree used to be" the series of events that followed causes the stock mareket crash and the great depression.
- 1939 - Tomasz Wankovszki, a Ukrainian farmer, accidentally starts World War II by sending the German army into Poland, telling them that it is actually a shortcut to Czechoslovakia.
- 1939 - Hitler refuses to order troops to stop at gas station and ask for directions; Warsaw and Krakow invaded by accident.
- 1993 - The shocking discrepancy between men and woman drivers who ask for directions is highlighted in a study by Cambridge professor Dr. Gerry von Coppenfeels.
August 3: Vague Day:
- Way too long ago – Some large lizards were forgotten off the face of the earth... or something...
- A long time ago – Some guy was born.
- A little more recent – Some guy did something important. The guy with the hair.
- hmmm – Uh... dang... <pffft>
- Way back when – The guy who wears clothes invented that thing that people use.
- A while ago – Two countries started a war. You know, that famous one with that big battle where a bunch of people died.
- I can't quite recall – I think there was a battle.
- Back before I was born – Some guy became the leader of some country.
- In the good old days – France was invaded by a certain foreign power.
- Sometime – Some lady called and left a message.
- That one time, at band camp – Some rich dude went and did something or other to this one website
- Then – Some famous guy or Some famous lady did something funny.
- The other day – Someone did something.
- The Other Other Day – this guy did something amazing
- A little later – This other guy went somewhere
- At some point – This one guy may or may not have done something that might be considered noteworthy in some circles.
- Like, whenEVER – 'kay, like you remember that guy from the commercial with the, um, thing on his head? No, the OTHER one. Well, he gets shot I think, no, actually I meant assaulted in some way, by some other guy, or girl, and it's was sooooo all over the TV, or radio? I guess it took place somewhere.
- Not too long ago – Poor people demolish a wall to create a bit more living space somewhere.
- Around 1995 – That TV show is cancelled. You know, the one with that guy, always wore a shirt... c'mon, help me out here.
- Y'know, that day – That guy, with the hat, and that other guy, they do those things they do, y'know, with the monkey, and the bar, and that hat they always used in the ... the uh, commercials.
- Two days before the Day after Tommorrow – Your Mom did something that she usually only does on Saturday nights up at Nob Hill.
- When was it again? – People could vaguely remember when is Vague Day
- Around that one time – You vaguely remember what happened that one night.
- A long time from now in a galaxy far, far away – Some dude invents some thing that does something that for some reason makes him meet some alien race somewhere.
- Sometime between the beginning and end of time – someone avoids direct answer
- Just recently – This joke about being vague got really old.
- around nowish – Something about something vague was vaguely reborn like that one guy long ago.
August 4: National Sasquatch Awareness Day (Canada)
- 1753 - George Washington tells a lie. Universe-ending consequences ensue.
- 1794 - At the height of the French Revolution, the common contemporary ailment of Separation Issues was first documented. (pictured)
- 1891 - Oscar Wilde's article The Soul of Man Under Socialism is published in the Fortnightly Review. Wilde's scathing commentary on Socialism is followed up the next fortnight by a scathing treatise on women horse-drawn buggy drivers.
- 1914 - Britain declares war on Germany, thus starting World War I. The United States insists on not getting involved in lovers' quarrels.
- 1924 - Under the leadership of the Teletubbies, the Notre Dame Fighting Irish clinch a perfect 11-0 season with a rousing defeat of rival USC.
- 1924 again - Diplomatic relations between Mexico and the Soviet Union are established. The trade of Tequila for Vodka enjoys brief success, but is later overshadowed by the roaring success of the furry hats and sombreros exchange.
- 1986 - Chernobyl, a pleasantly glowing hamlet located on the beatiful Pripyat River, opens for its first tourist season.
- 1998 - Chuck Norris, an accountant from Delaware, first encounters the term 'roundhouse', which bewilders and confuses him.
August 5: Mysterious Woody At The Mall Day:
- 1812 - Famed time traveller Woody Harrelson goes back in time to bring the idea of the mall to the past.
- 1924 - The comic strip Little Orphan Annie debuts. (pictured)
- 1940 - Joseph Stalin is caught with a woody at the mall. Later that evening, twelve million peasants are killed.
- 1955 - Carmen Miranda dies; shares of United Fruit decline 20% in heavy trading.
- 1962 - Film actress and sex icon Marilyn Monroe is found dead in her Los Angeles home, apparently having overdosed on sleeping pills. Teenaged males everywhere declare an International Day of No Masturbation to mourn her passing.
- 1980 - Woody Allen appears mysteriously at Detroit strip mall, but is disappointed to find that the Big Boy doesn't offer kosher meals.
- 1984 - Toronto Blue Jay's player Cliff Johnson gets good wood.
- 2000 - Academy Award winning actor Sir Alec Guiness dies at the age of 86. Or at least, it is assumed he died, since all that is found is an empty robe and a lightsaber.
August 6: National Wear Glow-in-the-Dark Viking Costumes Day (pictured)
- 578 - The Vikings discover Glow-in-the-Dark materials long before Colombus.
- 1945 - The U.S. gives the city of Hiroshima, Japan custom glow-in-the-dark costumes.
- 1855 - The concept of The Great American Novel is first introduced, when thousands of people traversed the country in covered wagons, contracted dysentary, and felt really good about America.
- 1945 - United States gets the first ever 25 kill streak on the map of Hiroshima; immediately uses kill streak reward of tactical nuke for the round win.
- 1998 - A Gay Pride parade in Hoboken, New Jersey is interrupted by an impromptu interior decorating parade proceeding down an intersecting street in what comes to be known by all who participated as "fabulous".
- 2006 - A 1.5 magnitude earthquake occurs on the Moon. Global warming is promptly blamed for the incident.
- 2008 - In a major tragedy, aftershocks from a large earthquake in China knock over an American man's glass of water in Cleveland, Ohio.
August 7: Anniversary of the Day The Matrix Stopped Being Cool
- 2003 - An adolescent who, for no reason at all, starts mimicking the slow-motion bullet dodge from the first Matrix film on a bus, is appalled to discover that his fellow passengers are not immediately breaking out in applause and high-fives, as is usual whenever any reference to The Matrix is made by anyone at any time.
- 2004 - A suburban family, watching a toothpaste advertisement featuring characters in black leather doing kung-fu, lets out a bored sigh in complete unison.
- 2005 - A stand-up comedian, beginning a joke with the words "You take the blue pill", is booed off-stage and has his car tires slashed.
- 2006 - A man is kicked to death for saying "whoa" in a Keanu-esque fashion.
- 2008 - Robert Mugabe becomes the 44th President of the USA, announces that the Matrix "is totally not cool" and that people caught watching it "will be shot."
August 8: For God's Sake Leave Your Damn Phone Alone For 5 Minutes Day
- 1815 - Napoleon Bonaparte can't get any sig on the island of St. Helena.
- 1876 - Thomas Edison receives a patent for his mimeograph, which duplicates mimes.
- 1940 - The German Luftwaffe begin bombarding Great Britain with international text messages carrying sky-high roaming rates.
- 2004 - Hello? You're calling me that there's shit in the Chicago River? WHAT THE FUCK???
- 2008 - Wait just a sec, I have a call. Hello? Yeah. Yeah. No, they're right here. I don't know, something about an anniversary. Hah, yeah, I know. And that stupid-looking hat, yeah. Oh, sorry, I gotta let you go.
- 2025 - Shit, sorry, this is the last call, I promise. Hey. It's on the table. It's on the table. On the table. The table. On the - it's on the FUCKING TABLE! THE TABLE! ON THE TABLE!
August 9: Copy the Previous Day Day
- 69 - Roman festival of Repetitionalia inaugurated. Unfortunate for Emperor Nero, as he is murdered all over again. (pictured)
- 1066 - England invaded successfully for the last time, all occupants are now immigrants except for the Cornish.
- 1876 - Thomas Edison receives a mimeographed copy of a patent for his mimeograph.
- 1945 - United States of America Military achieves its, as well as the world's, second ever 25 kill streak on the map of Nagasaki. Immediately, once again, uses the tactical nuke reward to win.
- 1976 - I just said that!
- 1980 - What are you...
- 1982 - Stop repeating what I'm saying!
- 1998 - Bill Murray commits suicide, leaves note reading "I can't handle this shit again"
- 2004 - People start to realise that yesterday wasn't neccessarily "such hot shit after all".
- 2005 - U.S. Government stuck for replacement festival, decide to re-instigate Copy The Previous Day Day. Again.
- 2006 - Due to a printing error, calendars list today as "Copy the Previous Copy the Previous Day". Global panic ensues.
August 10: Vatican Mardi Gras
- 1479 - Pope Sixtus IV inaugurates Vatican Mardi Gras, a celebration of sexuality which is the only day of the year that Catholics are allowed to celebrate sex, dress provocatively, engage in sexual intercourse, expose themselves to crowds, and drink from extremely tall, thin vessels.
- 1675 - The foundation stone of the Royal Greenwich Observatory in London got laid. It was happy all day.
- 1829 - Pius VIII initiates the tradition of throwing beads to nuns and screaming "Show us your tits!". (pictured)
- 1914 - Pope Pius X is killed in a collision between carnival floats. The driver had become distracted after Pius threw beads to a group of nuns.
- 1989 - Pope John Paul II flashes a crowd of thoroughly appalled onlookers in Rome.
- 1992 - Girls Gone Wild: Cardinal Sins is released in the United States to critical acclaim. Gene Shalit declares it to be "one of the best movies released today."
- 2009 - Pope Benedict XVI enjoyed a massive gay sex party with all the other Popes.
- 2020 - The Midwest of the United States was given the world's biggest anal by a storm.
August 11: Sexual Harassment In The Workplace Day
- 1492 - Alexander VI is elected Pope. He becomes known for making lewd and improper suggestions to the cardinals.
- 1858 - The First ascent of the Eiger. After this ascent, an Eiger Counter keeps track.
- 1966 - John Lennon holds a press conference apologizing for stating that the Beatles were "more popular than Jesus." He clarifies, "I meant to say we were more popular than Mohammed."
- 1969 - The first men land on the moon. While collecting moon rocks, Neil Armstrong "accidentally" rubs up against Buzz Aldrin.
- 1972 - The last United States ground combat unit departs South Vietnam. Says an Army spokesman, "Thank goodness we've learned our lesson! No more pointless guerilla wars without an exit strategy for us!"
- 1993 - President Bill Clinton takes interest in the new White House secretary.
- 2004 - Bill O'Reilly makes several drunken phone calls. He later wakes up to discover that he is the now the Democratic Representative for New Hampshire, and president of the international Gay and Lesbian Alliance.
- 2006 - Harry Whittington declines to play naked Twister with Dick Cheney. Instead, the two embark on a quail hunt where Dick shoots Harry, claiming it was an accident.
August 12: Madonna Depreciation Day (Worldwide)
- 1675 - The Vegetable Armistice is signed, ending the Great Tomato War.
- 1840 - Martin Van Buren is somehow re-nominated for the Presidential election by the Democrats, despite being a pretentious douche and insisting on making lame genitalia jokes at passing squirrels.
- 1908 - First Model T Ford built. It faces stiff competition from the pirate-made Model R (pictured).
- 1960 - Echo I, the first communications satellite, launched.
- 1960 - Echo I, the first communications satellite, launched.
- 1964 - English novelist Ian Fleming passes away when he is mistakenly served a vodka martini stirred, not shaken.
august 13: international apathy day
August 14: Brutal dictator appreciation day (Saudi Arabia & Jacksonville, FL)
- Long time ago - Emperor takes over the galaxy in Star Wars (TM)
- 1844 - Toast is invented
- 1855 - Following the war of a thousand toasters, the recipe for toast is lost for over 5000 years.
- 1856 - Toast is rediscovered.
- 1857 - Toast is forgotten.
- 1880 - Cologne Cathedral in Cologne, Germany, is completed. It smells great!
- 1923 - Start of the Dotcom Era.
- 1987 - A young explorer named Wally is reported missing.
- 2001 - George W. Bush is "elected" by his daddys friends to be president of the United States.
- 2005 - Ego is discovered to be, in fact, a dirty word.
- 2006 - Horizontal Line is discovered in your pants.
- 2007 - Vertical line is discovered in the inside of your pants.
- 2007 - Hitler is finally mentioned in Brutal Dictator Appreciation Day. Took long enough.
- 2008 - The first "sort of" black dictator introduced into the history of the US. People take to the streets with high hopes of a kinder, gentler dictator.
- 2009 - Nut and penis implants are invented
- 2010 - Nut and penis implants found to cause cancer. Some 1.3 million white gangstas are affected.
- 2012 - Dick Cheney dies because his cold blackened void of a heart fails. The world is finally safe.
- 3012- 1000th "Screw Dick Cheney" Day cancelled by Undead Bush
August 15: Hug People While You're on Fire Day:
- 1,000,000 BC - Caveman introduces fire to humankind as he hugs people for help while he is on fire.
- 1800 - Napoleon invades Russia, but forgets to hug Stalin when he on fire, thus ensuring French defeat.
- 1963 - Buddhist Monks protest South Vietnam government's discriminatory policies which favor Catholics by lighting themselves on fire and hugging the Arch-Bishop.
- 1975 - Three members of the Fantastic Four hospitalized with third degree burns after the fourth member, Johnny Storm, takes Ecstasy.
- 2002 - Hug People While You're on Fire Day partially negated by Hug People While You're Wet Day
- 70,000,000 B.C. - First Gozan Okuribi festival (meaning "bloody great flaming kanji") held in Kyoto.
- 40,000 B.C. - Takoyaki invented.
- 1950 - Kyoto, Osaka and Kobe form the Keihanshin conglomerate after being liberated from their evil oppressors.
- 1973 - Kansai officially enters the Kaiju League of Japan with two contestants (Entei and Glico Man)
- 1984 - Governor of Tokyo makes stealth attacks on Kansai under the alias The Monster with 21 Faces.
- 2007 - Osaka scientists find out how to make a robot that solves a Rubik's Cube. World breathes sigh of relief.
- 2200 - Kansai secedes from the rest of Japan. Chugoku, Shikoku, and Kyushu shortly follow. This leads to the Tozaikan War.
- 2207 - Kansai wins the Tozaikan War by planting proximity takoyaki around Tokyo. Kanto surrenders on November 1 of the same year.
- 3000 - Osaka declared capital of the world.
August 17: Dingo Ate My Baby Day (Australia).
- 5000 B.C. - first dingo arrives in Australia. Says dingo: "Man, I'm hungry. Could sure go for something chewy and defenseless."
- 3020 B.C. - Dingo's successfully mate with a Wallaby. The Dallawingoby young, a Wingodollajoeyhopper, is found to be delicious when BBQ'd, insuring quick extinction.
- 1776 - Thomas Jefferson releases happiness at 11am.
- 1777 - Thomas Jefferson releases packs of Dingoes into the Virgina wilderness. These same Dingoes are later accredited with the eminination of the Roanoke Settlement.
- 1918 - Bolshevik revolutionary leader Moisei Uritsky is assassinated. Dingos are suspected.
- 1980 - "Ah Dingo Ate Moy Baybee!"
- 1984 - Happiness is prohibited by the ISoPT.
- 1986 - A pack of rabid Dingoes invade and devour the city of Syndey Austrailia.
- 1988 - Pakistani President Muhammad Zia-ul-Haq and US Ambassador Arnold Raphel are killed in a plane crash. And then eaten by dingos.
- 1988 - The legendary Alex Cross was born in Redhill, Surrey, UK. He then roundhouse-kicked a dingo in the face when it tried to eat him.
- 1997 - Rabid packs of Dingoes win parlamentary elections in Austrailian run-off elections.
- 1999 - Nothing happens.
- 2004 - Alex Cross beat Chuck Norris in a fight, but Chuck Norris, with his last ounce of strength, roundhouse-kicked himself back in time to avoid being in a fight with someone far superior.
- 2006 - President George W Bush is confused on why the farmer would name his dog "Dingo". Puppet Master Cheney tries to explain, but then gets fed up and shoots a friend in the face.
- 2009 - Mount Everest a splode.
August 18: Everybody Run From the Godzilla Attack Day
- 644 - A prodigous comet appears in the sky, in the shape of a rock. The rock magically flies through the sky, before it lands in ancient Greece and kills a busload of time-travelling nuns.
- 1868 - French astronomer Pierre Jules César Janssen discovers helium. Initially, he had a difficult time explaining the gas producing process without evoking gales of laughter.
- 1969 - Godzilla tries to attack France, but has to stop in Tokyo to ask for directions.
- 1989 - The Who, working in conjunction with Godzilla, trash several hotel rooms in Wales and Scotland. The Isle of Man is never seen again.
- 1990 - Godzilla attacks Paris, humping the Eiffel Tower twice before being driven back into the sea.
- 1991 - Godzilla attacks Paris again, this time bringing flowers. The Parisians surrender to his radioactive charm, and an evening of bliss is had by all.
- 1992 - Godzilla once again attacks Paris, leaving fifty-three successive messages on the answering machine of the Ile de Cite, each one more angry and irrational than the last. Paris gets a restraining order. In a blind, drunken confusion, Godzilla attacks a department store in Rome. Mothra and Mechagodzilla are called to drive the heartbroken beast home.
- 1993 - Princess Diana pre-died.
- 1999 - Cape Breton declares an open nuclear war on the Y2K bug subsequently pounding it into oblivion. Eminent scientists have confirmed this fact as the reason why much speculation about the threat of Y2K was ultimately unfounded.
- 2006 - Way more people die than usual.
- 2007 - The Canso Causeway, forever asserting the will of mainland Nova Scotia against Cape Breton, is melted in my microwave.
- 2010 - Godzilla sends a passive-aggressive text message to Paris, asking if it wants its copy of High Fidelity back or if he should just throw it away.
- 2010 - 1:24pm, Josh "I'm full."
August 19: Battle of Knockdoe Day
- 1501 - The de Burghs and Fitzgeralds agree to have a glorious battle in Knockdoe next year.
- 1502 - Ulick Burke too hung over to remember what day it is; Gerald Fitzgerald "super pissed" that he didn't show up.
- 1503 - Gerald Fitzgerald too hung over to attend the battle; Ulick Burke calls him a damn hypocrite.
- 1504 - The Battle of Knockdoe: a bunch of Normans and Irish chop each other to pieces, probably forever altering English history or something.
- 1919 - Afghanistan gains independence from the United Kingdom, bringing an end to the Second Battle of Knockdoe.
- 1952 - Jonathan Frakes, actor who portrayed William Riker, born in order to commemorate the 448th anniversary of the Battle of Knockdoe.
- 1991 - Collapse of the Soviet Union: Mikhail Gorbachev placed under house arrest while watching docudrama about the Battle of Knockdoe.
- 2005 - Lonely tourist kisses the Blarney Stone, ends up in extended makeout session.
- 2010 - The parish of Lackagh, former site of the Battle of Knockdoe, found to be infested with stinking drunken Irishmen.
August 20: International Random Elvis Sighting in Uncyclopedia Articles Day
- 800 A.C. - Oscar Wilde founds Uncyclopedia by creating articles with random titles, all redirecting to Elvis.
- 1804 - Lewis and Clark go on their famed Raping Expedition. The name causes controversy until it's discovered to be an innocent expedition to sell rapeseed to the Inuits and then have nonconsensual sex with their daughters.
- 1977 - Elvis takes a killer shit.
- 1991 - Fewer than infinity people rally outside the Soviet Union's parliament building protesting the placement of Elvis' portraits throughout Mikhail Gorbachev's Uncyclopedia article.
- 1998 - The Empire strikes back, bombing Uncyclopedia with random pictures of nude Elvis, in retaliation to Elvis bombing the Empire's embassy on Earth on August 7 protesting against deleting his Uncyclopedia article by an admin who claimed the Elvis article to be a "non-notable vanity page by an anonymous Force spirit".
- 2000 - Monkeys on strike against corrupt banana companies. Elvis calls out to fans for a total banana boycott.
- 2002 - U.S. marines find traces of peanut butter-banana sandwiches and methamphetamines in a cave near Kabul along with a written note: "Osama has left the building".
- 2004 - The Internet's undisputed GOAT, Willy on wheels, selflessly begins trying to improve Wikipedia.
- 2005 - Numerous Uncyclopedia articles vandalized to denote a random sighting of the King in the article.
- 2006 - Numerous UnNews articles vandalized by replacement with a story about Afghan police being bombed, apparently in an attempt at a badly-overstretched joke based on previous two sightings.
- 2011 - You die.
- 2013 - Someone thinks they see you shaking your hips while wearing blue suede shoes, but it turns out to be Elvis.
- 2015 - Elvis announces his intent to run for president of the US stating that he will only communicate from an undisclosed location via electronic voice transmissions.
- 2050 - Someone thinks they see Elvis, but realizes that he's probably dead by now.
August 21: International "Look over there!" Day
- 4002 BCE - Adam and Eve become aware of their nakedness; Eve asks Adam why he is staring at her breasts. Adam shouts "Look over there!" and runs away, thus inventing The Oldest Trick in the Book.
- 3998 BCE - Adam tells Eve her shoelaces are untied and flicks her in the nose, thus inventing The Second-Oldest Trick in the Book.
- 27 - Jesus says he sees a giant killer land shark, uses the distraction to grab many loaves and fishes from his wagon.
- 1458 - A small child in London shouts "Look, a duck!" whilst pointing in the air to buy himself enough time to rob the city while the population is staring pointlessly at the sky.
- 1831 - While picking cotton, Nat Turner shouts "Look at all those abolitionists!" and runs away, successfully escaping slavery.
- 1832 - Nat Turner hanged.
- 1911 - Louvre employee remarks "My stars, what is that," steals Mona Lisa.
- 1940 - Leon Trotsky is killed with a pickaxe in Mexico. His last name reminds me of a horse.
- 1959 - President Dwight D. Eisenhower exclaims "That woman is topless!", signs Hawaii into statehood while everyone is distracted.
- 1967 - Carrie-Anne Moss distracts mother long enough to escape from uterus.
- 1976 - Korean War: Operation Paul Bunyan takes place. An American invasion force is distracted when North Koreans yell "Look at that giant tree," causing angry Marines to forget their mission and focus on chopping it down.
- 1995 - Monica Lewinsky screams "Oh no, a vast right-wing conspiracy," fellates Bill Clinton while he's looking around exclaiming "Where? Where?"
- 2003 - Edna Turnington of Gloucestershire purchases seven pounds of ground beef.
- 2010 - HOLY CRAP THERE'S A GIANT SPIDER ON THE WALL BEHIND YOU!
August 22: Obvious Day (24-hour period to celebrate the recognition of things which are readily apparent)
- 1492 - First encounter between Native Americans and Europeans. "I think these guys are up to no good," the local shaman remarks after being promptly shot.
- 1717 - Spanish troops land on Sardinia. Having forgotten the can opener, they promptly leave.
- 1939 - The Third Reich and the Nazis continue their march across Europe. This is bad.
- 1940 - As the Germans invade Belgium, a local looks up from his waffles and remarks "This seems somehow familiar."
- 1945 - Nazis defeated. This is good.
- 1948 - Jewish state of Israel founded in the predominantly Arab Middle East. This will later cause problems.
- 1966 - Captain Obvious is born. Doctor proclaims, "It's a boy," because the child has a penis.
- 1973 - Brutal, murderous dictator Augusto Pinochet takes control over Chile. "I bet the CIA is helping this guy," says a random intellectual just before being abducted by a group of soldiers in black helicopters.
- 2012 - People actually acknowledge that the Titanic was in fact not unsinkable.
Agest 23: Mizspeeeling Dá
- 1337 - Mispeelerz ariv in Inglend frum Russya.
- 0 AD/BC - Eye thinck evreethin izz speltt write heer
- 1691 - Emhliz iz inbentred.
- 1914 - A HoOL BUCHN UF n00bers IZ KIL3D At T3H WWW!1!
- 1700 - Mispeeelrz arriv n tha Untied Stapez frum Inglend
- 1866 - Prusha defeeded Ostreea in the Ostro-Prushun Woar, and dizolvd the Jermun Confedurashun.
- 1961 - AOL iz inbentred.
- 1973 - Fcuk cpatalizes on avnat grad mispsellrs.
- 1993 - Peter Cook abducted and killed by Space Otters
- 1994 - Selpl Chk is invented
- 1999 - Nustradumas's pradected yeer of tha ind uv tha wurld uv mispelllerz
- 2006 - World famous threadboard /b/ got AIDs.
- 2008 - Teh SpellCheck eez majde
- 2010 - Howazaaaaaaaaaatt! Umprie reeplize "dat is gud"
- 2026 - ZOMG!! Wurld Supliz ov Dikchunarees Ar deztroid, rezerektin misspllin!!elevn
- End of time - weezall gon a dye!
August 24: Punch a Donkey for Jesus Day
- 1132 - A Catharist sect in southern France incorporates Donkey Punching into their mass following a mistranslation of Matthew 21:7.
- 1456 - The printing of the Gutenberg Bible is completed by Steve Gutenberg.
- 1463 - Portuguese language discovered to be mispronounced Spanish.
- 1561 - Prince Willem of Orange marries Duchess Anna of Sherbert.
- 1853 - Potato chips invented. This is hailed as a triumph, as it will finally permit people to get rid of the vast mountains of dip that clog the streets of Europe.
- 1995 - Mike Tyson converts to Christianity, kills several donkeys with uppercuts.
- 2011 - Barack Obama pardons a donkey for Good Friday, only to shove him into a glue extractor on Easter.
August 25: Spurious Oscar Wilde Quote Day
- 1385 - Pringles are invented.
- 1390 - Birth of Sir Sean Connery, Highlander.
- 1456 - Nostradamus said "a man who loves all other men will one day say "yet each man kiss the thing he loves"". It is thought to be pointing Oscar Wilde till 1985.
- 1475 - Pringles proven to not be so good that when you pop, you can't stop.
- 1476 - Pringles try to take over the world, but failed on due to having lack of military power.
- 1480 - After failing on 1476, Pringles declared itself as a religious leader and started the movement known as Pringlism.
- 1835 - The New York Moon prints an article claiming that life has been discovered on the Sun, thus perpetrating the Great Sun Hoax.
- 1918 - Leonard Bernstein is born a second time.
- 1985 - Elton John completes one of his sentences with "...yet each man kiss the thing he loves". Nostradamus interpreters apologized.
- 1988 - In the single greatest scandal in Oscar Wilde quote history, Bill Cosby fabricates a record 2,994 spurious Oscar Wilde quotes. He comes up short of his goal of 3,000 when it is discovered that he stumbled upon six real ones previously undiscovered by scientists.
- 1992 - 1942 is invented, then thrown out for being to racist.
- 1993 - The "Sour Cream and Onion Pringlians" are killed in Waco Texas during an assault by "Baked Lays".
- 2005 - "Numerous spurious Oscar Wilde quotes appear throughout the Uncyclopedia." ~ Oscar Wilde on Spurious Oscar Wilde Quote Day
- 9876 - School final closes.
August 26: Creationism Vs. Evolution Annual Boxing Match/International Ameobic Birthday/The day before the day after Tomorrow
- 200,000,000,000,000,000 BC - God Creates existence. By creating existence, and simultaniously existing before existance, He created a paradox that came alive and tore a hole in the universe. Out of that hole, several thousand extremely surprised roadside diner waitresses named "Tiff" floated and suddenly (and not that surprisingly) died of asphyxiation.
- 12,032 BC - Wheel was invented by Sally and Bill Thompson from Scunthorpe UK.
- 5000 BC - Creationists evolve from homo sapiens.
- 1303 - Ala ud din Khilji won Chittor. It was behind door number 3.
- 1362 - Nothing happened. At all.
- 1567 - A great feast held by Duke Crisco The Lard is held at his home in Edinburgh. The resulting mass cannibalism is atributed to the duke's great hunger for "Scots"
- 1963 - August 26th is designated the official birthday of all ameobas by their UN Representative.
- 1971 - The discovery that God created Evolution makes scientists and theologians come together in a peace pact signed by the seventh incartion of Charles Darwin (a slightly confused Chimpanzee named BoBo) and the Mecha-Pope (a blue 1965 oldsmobile named Oldsmobile Model #32415 Serial:45563901).
- 1980 - The peace pact ends when Jerry Falwell decides to test everyone's faith by defying logic, saying that the entire universe was created in a 7 24 hour day period.
- 1981 - The right wing nutjobs abandon science and logic to be creationists, while the [[left wing liberal sissies abandon all hope of spiritual salvation and Heaven to be evolutionists.
- 1990 - At a creation/evolution debate, creationists kick the evolutionist's asses when they use the argument: Where did the ball that started the big bang come from?
- 1997 - God seeing all the confusion between the creationists and evolutionists reacts to it by doing absolutely nothing.
- 2008 - Another poorly written comedy article that nobody will ever read appears on uncyclopedia.
- 2025 - A pastor begins to question creationism.
- 2040 - After 60 years of pointless debates from 2 sides which both have truth, creationists and evolutionists come together once again and finally agree that God created evolution. There is now peace on earth and everyone lives happily ever after :-)
August 27: The Day After Tomorrow
- 1793 - French counter-revolution. Corian becomes the counter du jour.
- 1883 - Krakatoa explodes, hurling pumice, rubber ducks, loofahs and other bathing accessories over 150 miles.
- 1928 - The Kellogg-Post Pact, renouncing oatmeal as an instrument of foreign policy, was signed by 60 cereal companies.
- 2002 - Armageddon
- 2002.5 - Armageddon Nervous
- 2003 - Armageddon Outta Here
- 2 minutes later - Chuck Norris remembers to close the door of his fridge.
- 2004 - Three days from last Tuesday, something important happened.
- 2006 - Today is really August 29th.
- 2007 - Today is the day before tomorrow.
- 2009 - Scientists proved the real reason of global warming is increasing group sex rate of eskimos.
- 2101 - All your base are belong to us.
August 28: International Horniness Day.
- 2,000,000 BC - Homo flaccidus has a hard time getting a date.
- 1,000,000 BC - Homo erectus gets horny and manages to get his own boner without assistance.
- 100,000 BC - Homo erectus finally loses its erection and becomes sapiens.
- 900,000 BC - Adam and Eve become horny.
- 33 - Jesus horny for the last time.
- 489 - Theodoric, King of the Ostrogoths defeats Odoacer, King of Cers the at the Battle of Iseeyourgonzoandraiseyouaspliff.
- 1729 - Man discovers the "hand", women are now useful for cooking, cleaning and raising children only.
- 1845 - The first issue of Unscientific Horny American is published. The centerfold (which features a different Nobel-Prize-winning scientist each month) proves unpopular, and is discontinued almost immediately.
- 1941 - Miso Horny named Japan's National Soup.
- 1942 - Teddy Roosevelt horny in Jacksonville, Florida. He was then arrested.
- 1987 - Me gets so horny for you.
- 1988 - In Soviet Russia, horny gets so you for me.
- 1993 - Haim Saban, after drinking heavily, creates Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.
- 2009 - Tiger Woods's controversial solution to chronic horniness made public.
- 2010 - Giant Horny Cheese invades earth and takes Hailers Hostage.
August 29: International Androgynous Goat-People Observance Day
- 328,987 BC - At 4:02pm, Goats evolve from Dolphins.
- 240v AC- Electricity became the new fad in tribes.
- 33 AD - St. John of Patmos has a wet dream.
- 1189 - Ban Kulin wrote The Charter of Kulin, which was later banned.
- 1490-something - Chet Columbus lands in Ohio.
- 1862 - Second Battle of Bull Run. This time, Bruce Willis is brought in as lead actor in an effort to stimulate box office sales.
- 1924 - The cheeseburger is invented in Cheeseburg, California.
- 1927 - Helen Keller is born, but doesn't even notice the difference.
- 1942 - In response to World War II, ham is invented. Winston Churchill proclaims it "One small step for man, one giant leap for breakfast".
- 1942 - Famed restaurant the Grease Hut opens it doors for the first time, collectively clogging arteries across the nation.
- 1956 - In a remote corner of Canada, nothing happens.
- 1972 - Pringles, the first tessellating potato snack, are invented in Leicester by mathematician Dr Julius Pringle in order to save storage space in his tiny kitchen.
- 1999 - The War of 1812 is fought by several confused historians. Albert Einstein is the special guest referee. Soundtrack available from Arista. Shown worldwide on Pay-Per-View. Presented by Snickers. "Hungry? Why Wait?"
- 2005 - The Gulf Coast experiences light rainshowers and a moderate breeze.
- 2006 - The Antichrist comes, wearing a miniskirt.
- 2008 - The individual presumed to be The Antichrist was in fact the new Republican Party publicity director. Seems they dress in similar fashion.
August 30: Intentional Dyslexic Devil Worshipper day
- 0 - devil worship is invented by emo lord Hebert.
- 986 - A devil worshipper gets tricked into selling his soul to god.
- 1585 - Devil worshippers are saved from being burned in the stake after the inquisitor concludes they were only cursing "dog"
- 1992 - Devil worshippers are confused and name their religion the Church of Santa Ana.
- 1994 - Eugene Victor Tombs begins his search for the horizon.
- 1997 - Devil worshippers go to an apartment in New York for their pilgrimage to Stan.
- 9199 - De vil foll woers f era KY2 com ptuer suh t down t o be teh end of a ll mnaknid. T om Cr uis e cure s Sa nat of his dysle xia thro ghu Sci en tolog y.
- 2001 - Confused devil worshippers vandalize walls by spray painting 999 on them.
- 2004 - Gorgoroth released their new album with Dyslexic Satan worshipping become the new subgenre called "Tarzanic Black Metal"
- 2005 - A dyslexic devil worshipper sells his soul to Santa.
- By 2010 it is projected that there will be over 900,000 dyslexic weevil dorshippers in the world.
- By 2015 it is projected that 60% of all dyslexic devil worshippers will worship Santa, 30% will worship Stan, and 10% will worship Satin.
- 3001 - The Answer to Life, The Universe, and Everything is discovered along with the question that it is the answer to. Simultaneous knowledge of both causes the Universe to vanish from existence, which is replaced by something even more bizarre.
August 31: Anniversary of Rob Zombie's first Halloween
- 540 A.D. - Greeks invent the holiday of Halloween, because they were bored and had nothing else to do.
- 1963 - Mike Myers (the comedian-actor) is born, much to the amusement of horror fans.
- 1964 - The Beatles write an early version of "Help!" featuring lyrics such as "It was the boogeyman?/As a matter of fact, it was/He's not human/Shot him six times!" However, Paul couldn't find anything to rhyme with "boogeyman."
- 1966 - The Rolling Stones write an early version of "Paint It Black" with the sole lyric "Black isn't a color."
- 1966 - Randy Bachman removes the lyrics "These are the eyes of a psychopath" from the Guess Who hit "These Eyes."
- 1978 - The original Halloween movie is released; people become terrified of the wrong Mike Myers.
- 1989 - Mike Myers joins the cast of Saturday Night Live, as Michael Myers rushes out another sequel, Halloween 5.
- 1995 - Michael Myers is back with a vengeance as Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers is released to little fanfare. Donald Pleasence dies and is replaced by a talking dog.
- 1997 - Princess Diana dies in a drink driving incident, while trying to engage in a spit roast in the back of a Mercedes, in Paris, France
- 1998 - Halloween H20: Twenty Years Later saves the Halloween franchise.
- 2002 - The Halloween franchise is nearly killed by Busta Rhymes in Halloween: Resurrection.
- 2007 - Hatsune Miku is born (pictured)
- 2009 - Audience flock to see The Final Destination and Taking Woodstock instead of Halloween II. The film, whose reviews were overwhelmingly negative, only played for three weeks; however, it did get a brief October re-release in time for the Halloween holiday. It still flopped.
- 2018 - John Carpenter and Blumhouse decide "fuck it" and release a 40th anniversary Halloween sequel that ignores all subsequent installments.
20202021 - Blumhouse releases Halloween Kills.20212022 - Blumhouse releases Halloween Ends... except it doesn't.
September 1: Christmas Shopping Season Starts
- The Big Bang - School begins.
- 13 CE - Jesus becomes the first athiest after killing God and being told that Santa isn't real.
- 1914 - The last passenger pigeon dies in captivity in the Cincinnati Zoo. The taxi pigeon and the bus pigeon promptly file for bankruptcy.
- 1939 - Adolf Hitler plays a dirty trick on Poland.
- 1982 - Lovers of chocolate enjoy life. Chocolate related disease increases.
- 1986 - Santa has a gift for you in his pocket...
- 1989 - Wendy's begins to serve fairies to the masses. They are quickly determined "too salty" and discontinued.
- 1990 - The single lightbulb inside of the Grease Hut begins to flicker periodically. This the extent of the restaurant's Christmas decorations.
- 1992 - The first NFL game of a new era: The England Patriots at the The Dubai Colts (Attendance: 111,223). Emperor George Bush Sr. is angered that all the American sports teams (not basketball) left America for Bill Clinton's Eurasia.
- 1994 - The United Nations pass a resolution to prevent the Christmas shopping season from starting prior to the 1st of September. Retailers declare war on UN.
- 1995 - You killed a monkey at the zoo with poisoned bananas then you laughed uncontrollably. How dare you.
- 1995 - A midget was stolen from the North Pole and raised as an Australian.
- 1996 - Gobber the mathemagician convinces millions that 2+2 does actually equal five.
- 2003 - Bill Gates buys the Andromeda galaxy for his wife and Alpha Centauri for his son.
- 2004 - It is proven that penguins are the smartest creatures in the universe, but the paperwork proving this was used to mop up some spilt coffee and they couldn't be bothered to print it out again.
- 2007 - Halls are decked early this year to the dismay of masons everywhere.
September 2: Me Love You Long Time Day
- 2004 10:32 PM GMT -- Me start to love you.
- 2004 10:33 PM GMT -- Me stop lovin' you.
- 2004 10:34 PM GMT -- Me say, "OK, maybe I no love long time after all."
- 2005 10:35 AM GMT -- Me say, "I never really loved you to begin with."
September 3: International Festival of Frowning at Cows (Saskatchewan)
- 447 B.C. - The word “fabulous” is invented by Plato.
- 1189 - Richard the Lionhearted is crowned King of England at Westminster, followed by a successful reign consisting chiefly of lazing in the sun and ridding the British Isles of zebras.
- 1783 - The American Revolutionary War comes to an end with the Treaty of Paris. While America wins, it concedes that Britain is still better than France.
- 1939 - Adolf Hitler embarks on his global tour, performing to a sold-out crowd in Warsaw.
- 1945 - Spoons were acquired by the known company, Tupperware.
- 1974 - William Shatner discovers the world's largest known deposits of tiberium in his back garden.
- 1971 - The day my Daddy died.
- 2005 - Bob sits down for dinner, frowns at his overcooked steak.
September 4: Unnecessary Surgery Day
- 30 - The Original Artists release album "20/20: The 20 Greatest hits from the 20's"
- 1427 - Katie Price formed by sending an electric current through plastic. Generally seen to be a lousy idea.
- 2003 - Al Gore has an aditional nose surgically attatched to his back, thus letting him smell his own farts.
- 1834 - Vlad Drakul cancels newspaper subscription.
- 1933 or 1934 - Eduard Khil was born. Let the trolling begin!
- 1952 - Colonel Potter tries to take out Lt. Radar O'Riley's appendix, only to discover after making an incision that it's already out.
- 1954 - In the only such instance in recorded history, your mom lost weight.
- 1971 - Elvis gets a paper cut.
- 1972 - Elvis gets a paper clip.
- 1975 - A distant relative of a famous musician accidentally stumbles in front of an oncoming taxi cab, but the car stops, and he survives.
- 1980 - John Denver hits the snooze button.
- 1983 - Michael Jackson nearly dies of food poisoning after eating 12-year-old nuts.
- 1984 - Pop star Prince has a second penis surgically attached. Millions think he's a gimp. Millions more just think it is so he can go and fuck himself. A recent internet video proves this.
- 1985 - Cary Grant finds his bedside table has a small crack on one of the legs.
- 1994 - An Ace Of Base song is released. The subsequent decontamination process takes 15 years to complete.
- 1996 - Pop star Prince (or whatever the fuck he's called now) has a third penis surgically attached.
- 1997 - Prince succesfully sues his surgeon for giving him the penis of an impotent man, claiming it has given his other two penises "performance anxiety". Nobody knows what the fuck he's talking about. Again.
- 2005 - Steve Irwin kills a stingray in a boating accident while 5 times over the drink drive limit.
- 2006 - Steve Irwin is murdered by a stingray. Police say it was an accident and the stingray isn't charged.
- 2050 - Australians finally stop referring to Steve Irwin as a great bloke/battler/fighter/true Aussie and generally agree he was a bit stupid.
September 5: National Dance the Funky Chicken Day (Moldova)
- 1698 - In an effort to move his people away from archaic customs, Tsar Peter I of Russia imposes a tax on women and children with beards.
- 1836 - Sam Houston's version of the Funky Chicken is chosen as the official dance of the Republic of Texas.
- 1969 - Foghorn Leghorn takes some LSD.
- 1983 - King Kong's daughter, Stella Kovalski McKong is born. Stella quickly learns the chicken dance from chickens at a local farm.
- 1984 - Prime Minister Bakka-Lakka Da'kka declares the People's Republic of Jerkmenistan free from Morongolian rule.
- 1985 - Chickens go to a local disco dance party and gain popularity with their chicken dance.
- 1992 - Vacationing group of retirees attacked by flock of angry chickens while dancing the Macarena.
- 2006 - First Annual International Day to talk like a '80s metal singer. Millions attempting to imitate Ozzy Osbourne are instantly shot. Twice.
- 2007 - In a bid to improve the aerodynamic characteristics of his body, Asafa Powell amputates his nipples.
September 6: Let's Enjoy A Glass Of Blue Lemonade Day
- 394 - The Christian Roman Emperor Theodosius I defeats and kills the pagan usurper Eugenius at the Battle of the Frigidaire for drinking all of his Blue Lemonade.
- 1939 - South Africa declares war against Germany as an excuse to send all of their black people away.
- 1976 - The lemon becomes extinct.
- 1978 - Blue Lemonade becomes popular.
- 1982 - Blue Lemonade found to cause cancer
- 1983 - The government apologises for the cancer scare, saying that Blue Lemonade does, in actual fact, cause tuburculosis, and not cancer.
- 1999 - Study attributes large penis size in black men to intake of Blue Lemonade. Blue lemonade sales increase 300%.
- 2000 - Study determined to be only a sales tactic as black men only consume orange drink.
- 2002 - Monsanto claims intellectual propierty over Blue Lemonade. Third world Blue Lemonade producers are taken out of business.
- 2004 - Philip Seymour Hoffman becomes the first known human being to pee Blue Lemonade.
- 2006 - The Infamous Flying Horse, Pegasus is arrested and brought to jail on counts of theft and arsony of Blue Lemonade.
- 9785 - Blue lemonade allies with the Pope to destroy the universe. Earth catches fire. Someone sends this message into the past, in the form of an insane baby. No-one listens.
September 7: Electric Bong Day (Poland), Invade Stuff Just for the Hell of It Day (Germany.....and Britain and America and Spain and Japan)
- 10,000 B.C. - Armed with sticks, rocks, and clods of dirt, first primitive Germanic people invade France. 15 minutes later, the white flag is invented.
- 355 - Claudius Silvanus, Roman usurper, dies. No more usurping from that guy.
- 1911 - The first bean bag chair goes on display in Paris. Rioting ensues.
- 1914 - Germany invades Austria, Belgium, France, Serbia, Armenia, Norway, Zaire and South Dakota.
- 1940 - The Blitz: the German Luftwaffe begins to rain bombs down on London. The Blitz is followed by the Blintz, in which the Luftwaffe rains pastries down on London, including the deadly Luftwaffle.
- 1945 - Winston Churchill goes snowboarding in Palestine, taking his first holiday after victory in Europe.
- 1960 - Strange spikes in household electricity use are observed throughout California.
- 1980 - Mr. Spears invades Mrs. Spears' pants; finds more than he expected.
- 1992 - Princess Anne is released back into the wild in Africa from captivity.
- 1996 - Tupac is assassinated by that punkass, Biggie Fats. Country music fans rejoice.
- 2001 - Luxembourg floated on the New York Stock Exchange. Germany attempts a hostile takeover.
- 2003 - Parents send their children to invade Michael Jackson's bed, later Sue. And Jane also.
- 2015 - US invades its own borders claiming the existence of weapons of mass destruction.
September 8: International Precision Day
- Sometime Someone invents like counting or something.
- 1, 2:05:32 PM: Counting is invented by a female human named Digits Counting, 1.745 meters tall, after 4 hours, 8 minutes and 16 seconds of thinking about the problem of shortening sales reports.
- 70, 6:12:55 AM - 11:03:44 PM Roman legions under the command of Titus sack Jerusalem.
- 1930 - 3M begins marketing Scotch transparent tape, which sells better than Scotch transparent crayon.
- 1950: The world's first sit-on lawnmower goes on display in Paris. Rioting ensues.
- 1962: Segregation is repealed.
- 1986:
PluralsPlural banned in the Netherland (formerly known as the Netherlands). - 1992: Woman finds baby in dumpster. Declares her a daughter.
- 2000 - No one cares
- 2001 - They still don't care
- 2002 - Hey look!...nah, don't care
- 2003 - People start to care after free booze is supplied to them via the Red Cross.
September 9: Day of the Truffles Triffids
- ⑨ - Cirno is born.
- 1000 - During the Battle of Svolder, King Olaf I of Norway falls overboard and disappears into the Baltic Sea. He is not seen again until Olaf II: Electric Boogaloo is released on video later that year.
- 1087 - William the Conqueror dies. About time, too.
- 1312 - Paracelsus invents redundancy.
- 1313 - Paracelsus invents redundancy.
- 1405 - The world's first soda siphon goes on display in Paris. Rioting ensues.
- 1828 - Leo Tolstoy is born. How boring is that?
- 1839 - John Herschel takes the first glass plate photograph. Later photographs are of a glass cup, a glass saucer, and a glass eye.
- 1850 - California is admitted into the USA.
- 1944 - Bulgaria is
occupiedliberated by Soviet troops. - 1967 - The spork is invented.
- 1969 - No rioting in Paris. Rioting ensues.
- 1976 - Mao Zedong passes away; sadly his dream of murdering more of his own people than Stalin is left unrealized.
- 1988 - In the most intense fighting of the GI Joe-Transformers War, the Autobot-Joe Alliance and Union of Decepticon and Cobra Forces see heavy casualties in the Battle of the Backyard.
- 2009 - Being 9/9/09, an upside down Satan appeared, only to shortly die of spinal injuries.
September 10: Kumquat Kicking Festival (Pakistan), International Hypocrisy Day
- Before Time BC - Death is born in a small town in Kansas, Nascar becomes marginally interesting.
- 541 BC - Greek philosopher Hypocrites invents hypocrisy
- 540 BC - Hypocrisy condemned as immoral by Hypocrites
- 30 - Asked whether one should pay taxes, Jesus says, "Give unto Caesar what is Caesar's", but then cheats on his income tax.
- 1092 - Tap dancing invented.
- 1093 - Inventor of Tap Dancing shot in the head.
- 1640 - The world's first slide rule goes on display in Paris. Rioting ensues.
- 1892 - Oscar Wilde arrives in America, claiming at customs "I have nothing to declare but my genius". Actually he's got some fruit and Cuban cigars.
- 1897 - Lattimer Massacre - a sheriff's posse kills twenty unarmed immigrant miners in Pennsylvania. Up until the massacre, the mine wasn't very productive.
- 1913 - First fully-carpeted coast-to-coast ferret-run opened in the USA.
- 1939 - Canada declares war on Nazi Germany; German army takes the afternoon off.
- 1960 - American baseball player Mickey Mantle kicks a kumquat an estimated 643 feet.
- 1967 - Supreme Court hands down landmark decision in Pot v. Kettle which legalizes hypocrisy.
- 1982 - The following people are born: (2,394 James), (9887 Johns), (1 satayanarayan ranganathan rama appuswami ganapathy).
- 2000 - Millions board planes with shoes, liquids, and food. Angered by this, George Bush goes into seclusion to come up with a way to stop this. It takes roughly one year and a few phone calls to his friends in the Middle East.
- 2001 - Parachutes requested for all workers in the Twin Towers, George Bush says "NAH!' What's on TV?"
- 2001 - Billions and billions of Americans go to bed early in order to be well-rested for the September 11 terrorist attacks the next day.
- 2008 - The Large Hadron Collider is switched on ... nothing happens ... Swiss scientists decide to cut their losses and turn it into a badass thrill ride
- 2009 - Office of the White House announces low-altitude American Airlines 767 fly-over for 9/11 8th year memorial services at ground zero in New York City, on September 11, 2009. Flight officially named AA Flight 175 in honor of the brave civilians who didn't know any better that morning. Plane expected to be supplied with full compliment of fuel as a safety precaution, and to fly over Shanksville, PA, and the Pentagon. Five 20 to 30-year-old Arabs scheduled to take part in flight as show of peace to the Middle Eastern nations. These proud five men will be given boxcutters and a fake bomb in order for the US Air Force to simulate realistic crisis scenarios. Flight 175 "Resurrected," as it has been dubbed by President Obama, will have a pig in the cockpit, for security reasons. Scheduled to fly over WTC site at 9:03 AM.
- 2012 - The Large Hadron Collider Thrill Ride turns into a supermassive black hole and turns the Earth into something the size of a small pea
September 11: International Worst Inventions Ever Day
- 13800000000 BC Universe invented. Previous universe wiped out due to Large Hadron Collider collision.
- 3000 BC - Egyptians invent papyrus. Moments later, the paper cut is invented. Still some moments later, some pretty expressive swear words are invented.
- 33 - Judas invents the noose.
- 100 - Romans invent the wedgie to torment Christians.
- 911 - Nostradamus, having predicted 9/11, invents the telephone number 911.
- 1176 - Iron false teeth invented.
- 1628 - Glass false teeth invented.
- 1753 - An Oxford University student invents the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard.
- 1883 - Worst Invention of the Year is a toss-up between Islamic Fundamentalism (Middle East) and Christian Fundamentalism (United States).
- 1913 - External combustion engine invented.
- 1934 - Aviation pioneer Igor Sikorsky invents the helicopter ejection seat.
- 1939 - Inspired by an awful experience at summer camp, Hitler invents his own franchise of camps.
- 1945 - Morning After Pill not yet invented; George H.W. Bush and Barbara Bush invent George W.
- 1961 - Invention of the mullet (pictured).
- 1968 - The internet is developed.
- 1972 - Construction of the Trans-Amazonian Highway.
- 1973 - The cubicle is invented.
- 1981 - Road rage invented.
- 1986 - Fox Network invented. Cancellation invented by Fox.
- 1987 - CD packaging invented.
- 1992 - Al Qaeda invented.
- 1999 - Windows ME is invented.
- 2000 - First Segway goes on display in Paris. Rioting ensues.
- 2000 - Emperor Bush invents "The Decider"
- 2001 - Plane magnet is accidently turned on in Pentagon.
- 2001 - Osama Bin Laden invents the world's first airplane/building hybrid
- 2002 - Emo movement invented.
- 2002 - White House invents WMD.
- 2006 - Anti-Government Father spends day without turning on TV or Radio, insisting that he doesn't want to hear about what happened five years ago, but in truth, hasn't paid the electricity bill.
- 2008 Ralph Lauren destroys arch enemy Lacoste by hitting their crocodiles with polo bats
September 12: Captain Picard Appreciation Day
- 14,000 BC - Q sends the crew of the USS Enterprise-E back in time to the country of France. Spitting in the face of the Prime Directive once again, Picard teaches the cavemen how to paint on the walls, a trait still exhibited in toddlers.
- 490 BC - A Greek guy runs 42.195 km from Marathon to Athens, announcing the Persian defeat and survival of Western civilization. Unfortunately, he is overtaken in the last leg by the team from Kenya and has a heart attack.
- 22 - Museum of Ancient Geese opens
- 1609 - Mark Smith discovers the Hudson River. Shortly after the discovery, Henry Hudson stabs him and claims it for himself. This is generally considered the fifth greatest coincidence of all time.
- 1683 - Battle of Vienna - Several European armies join forces to defeat the Ottoman Empire and their allies, the Sultanate of Sofa.
- 1818 - Richard Gatling, inventor of the gatling gun, is born. By six he has invented a rapid-fire slingshot and by ten, a BB gun featuring a rotating array of twelve barrels.
- 1940 - Q sends a young Jean-Luc Picard and three of his high school peeps back in time to this date. The group discovers the Lascaux cave paintings.
- 1951 - Anti-rioting technology goes on display in Paris. Rioting ensues.
- 1984 - Leonard Bernstein dies for the second time.
- 1990 - East and West Germany share a tearful Reunion
- 1991 - The Cold War ends, and many people are left thinking, "it wasn't that cold". It was that cold in Russia.
- 1997 - This was an actual year??
- 2001 - Amnesiacs International select the World Trade Center in New York City as the site of their 2002 convention.
- 2003 - Johnny Cash passes away. But first he shoots a man in Reno, just to watch him die.
- 2005 - England regain the Ashes, only to realise the next day the whole series was just a dream.
September 13: Secondary Bastille Day (France), Dress as a French Maid Day, New Jewish Year
- Some 5768 years ago - God creates Jews as the world's first practical joke then sets them on fire and distinguishes them via urination.
- 1753 - Mme Bastille opens an eponymously named cake shop in Paris. Rioting ensues.
- 1768 - The first signs of a confusion which will shape a nation come when the Postman accidentally delivers 12 gallons of milk and eight pounds of flour to the Bastille prison and 7 condemned enemies of the state to Mme Bastille. According to historical records she made them a cup of tea and then undertake forced labour icing cakes for Louis XVI.
- 1787 - Mme Bastille nearly goes bankrupt having wrongly anticipating a surge in demand due to the peasants actually going out and eating cake. She sacks Marie Antoinette as a strategy consultant.
- 1789 - French revolutionaries storm the other Bastille. You know, the other one. It's just up the street from the first one, the one that we stormed already. No, not the tobacconist, next to that. Do I have to draw you a map?
- 1789.2 - Wedding cake figurines cause confusion in the dark among overexcited revolutionaries and the battle to take the Bastille cake shop rages for 3 days as a result.
- 1811 - Napoleon makes Secondary Bastille Day a pubic holiday throughout French occupied Europe. The British respond with well-bred disdain.
- 1815 - A somewhat confused British man dies from keeping a stiff lower lip.
- 1842 - American pro basketballer Shaquille O'Neal is born
- 1889 - The centenary of Secondary Bastille Day is marred when the organising committee grudgingly admits they don't know where the Secondary Bastille is, and are not even sure if there ever was a Secondary Bastille.
- 1910 - The grinch steals christmas from a clan of pot smoking little people
- 1940 - A platoon of German soldiers is sent to occupy the Secondary Bastille. They are discovered ragged, starving and lost in 1952.
- 1994 - President Bill Clinton initiates Dress Like a French Maid Day.
- 1997 - Tupac Shakur dies six days after being shot in Las Vegas. Witnesses described the assailant as being dressed like a French maid.
- 1999 - Lunar Bastille blown out of orbit by massive explosion at waste storage complex overloaded with cake, camembert cheese rinds, croissants, and taunted english kanigguts.
- 2000 - Al Qaeda decides that "9/11" is catchier than "9/13." Plans are postponed almost a full year.
- 2001 - To honor the victims of 9/11, Dick Cheney dresses like a French maid.
- 2009 - Kanye West is sorry, but Beyoncé had one of the best videos of all time. OF ALL TIME, DOG.
- 2010 - Taylor Swift wins at the VMA's again, except this time when Kanye West tries to bring his drunken ass up, she punches him in the nose, where he then falls on Beyoncé, who is so surprised, she screams, which alerts her bodyguards, who then tackle Kanye West and beat the crap out of him. That night he succumbs to his injuries, and Taylor Swift goes back up to the microphone. "I'm sorry, y'all, but Michael Jackson had one of the best deaths of all time! Of all time!"
September 14: Gřáťúïťõùš Üšę öf Ðîåçřïťíćãľ Mâřkš Ďàý (World)
- 1234 - The Duke of Umlaut invents the umlaut, becomes first Düke of Ümlaüt. He is later slain in a duel with Barón vön Accént Márk.
- 1814 - Francis Scott Key writes The Star-Spangled Banner; he later retitles it "The Stär Spänglèd Bäññër" to make it more rockin'.
- 1969 - Björk is björn in a lönely fjörd in Nörth Ïceláãnd.
- 1970 - The metal band Blue Öyster Cult is förmed.
- 1982 - Styx plăŷş "Mr. Roboto" for the first time. Pëóplè hate it. Al Gore then gets the ideä to enslave the robot populätion in a fjörd in Østlandet.
- 1983 - The metal bänd Gřåťüïťöüs Díåçřïtíćäľ Mäřk forms.
- 1985 - Hâägén-Dáãzs introduces their latest flavor: Döúblé Chérrÿ Crémë dé Chöcølãté Súprëmé, consumers die of "šûġař pōišoñïnĝ."
- 1993 - Peter Cook is ässässinäted by space otters during a performance in the Royal Albert Hall.
- 2003 - In a referendum, Sweden rejects ädopting the Euro, unless it is renämed the Eüro.
- 2005 - The metäl band Thîs Rûňńîñg Jøkê ïs Wêäríñg Öút îtš Wëlcømê forms.
Septumbor 15st: Internashonle Dey ov Mispeld Werdz
- 31 - Jeshush ammounshes choo de peepll ovv jee woorlg, "yesh lo henchs ittch ish shoo". Bujt onn accoont ovv jee fakt vatt itsh jee Dey ovv Mispeld Werdz, nobboojy nowsh whach hesh shayin.
- 1835 - Charuls Darwhen, onbored thuh HMS Beegul, reechiz thuh Gulapigose Eyelunds, ware he bugins tu divelup hiz thireze uv evulooshun. Az a joak, he olsow kumz up with Intelujunt Deezine, but he duzunt ekspekt ineewun tu akshulee fawl for it.
- 1915 - Gawd iz kylld in teh Bettle og Verdoon nad Teh Allyz chinces in teh Forrst Wurld Woor r thretend. Teh taink is oosed nad woorks as a sootable reeplacemont.
- 1928 - Sur Alexandur Flemminge dizkuvvas a tipe of mold wiv mirakulus heeling propurtees and iz tranzfourmed into an invinssibble sooperhero, skurge ov orl villins and protektur ov ver peepul ov Goffam Sitty.
- 1932 - Misspeldd wurdz gu non dspliy ni Pairus. Ryoten inzues.
- 1972 - Schevin peepholess go fichsing of tha coust of n00b Jerbsy ind gut totaly pwned awn deir faises biy a bgass fich thingee anf shyt.
- 2005 - Meny artoocols on thsi dehy luuk soospicioosly lik tehy woor wrritten in Dootch.
- 2007 - Barney Ztoobid Purrbl Dyeknowzor Dyze fom Murduriz Todlarz Eetng em A Lve.
September 16: Talk Like Scotty From Star Trek Day
- 1903 - While investigating the breakdown of a prototype airplane engine, Orville Wright exclaims "Mah bairns! Mah poor bairns..."
- 1912 - When urged by Captain Edward Smith to increase engine power to aviod an iceberg, the head engineer of the RMS Titanic replies, "I've giv'n her all she's got captain, an' I cannah give her no more."
- 1962 - After John F. Kennedy says "I am a doughnut" in German instead of "I am a Berliner", the mayor of West Berlin whispers to him, "Laddy, don't you think you should be rephrasing that?"
- 1970 - While preparing for reentry after their journey back to Earth, Astronaut Jack Swigert informs mission pilot Jim Lovell "The energizer's bypassed like a Christmas tree, so don't give me too many bumps."
- 1972 - After hilltopping and getting into general mayhem in Hazzard county with the General Lee, Uncle Jesse warns the Puke boys that "She won't take much more of this."
- 1988 - Soviet Premier Mikhail Gorbachev defeats President Ronald Reagan in a game of Pac-Man. Tension brews between the two nations as a result.
- 1993 - During the O. J. Simpson trial, Judge Ito declares, "This jury-rigging won't last for long, Captain."
- 2000 - Osama bin Laden tells Saddam Hussein about his plan to hijack planes, to which Hussein responds, "Are ye daft lad?!"
- 2005 - When asked by the United States to return its diplomats to the Six Nation Talks, North Korea's Kim Jong-Il replies, "Diplomats! The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank."
- 1993 - Nick Jonas, the bane of teenage existence, is born.
September 17: Horny Day, Hypnotic Sex Change Day
- 1803 - Freud hypnotizes a patient into believing she is a Swiss milk maid who has married him. Nine months later, she inexplicably gives birth to a basketball.
- 1900 - The world's 1,000,000,000,000th human orgasm (but only the 84,379th female orgasm) occurs in Plovdiv, Bulgaria.
- 1932 - New state
phallic symbolscapitol buildings are dedicated in Nebraska, Louisiana. - 1954 - Drive-in gay porn theatre debuts in San Francisco; Joseph McCarthy hosts ribbon-cutting ceremony.
- 1975 - The world's tallest free-standing phallic symbol, the CN Tower, is completed in Toronto.
- End of Time - The Infinite Number of Monkeys with Typewriters experiment concludes, havign produced all literature that has been or ever will be, plus four poems about the flinging of feces.
September 18: God's Birthday. Happy birthday, God!
- Infinity B.C. - God is born. Exactly how this happens remains of of the great mysteries of time, especially since the date is known with precision.
- 4004 B.C. - God receives the universe as a birthday present, but loses interest when He discovers that it is infested with parasites
- 3200 B.C. - S'dhkai, a canaanite, is struck down by lightning when he forgets God's birthday.
- 1300 B.C. - God decrees to his peoples that the holiest Number shall be 91. When griping ensues, God relents and changes to the much easier to remember 7.
- 854 A.D. - God creates Hell once the most wicked neighborhoods of Heaven reach capacity.
- 2001 - God gets drunk at His birthday party and passes out in Buddha´s bathroom.
- 2005 - God is found passed out drunk in a dumpster behind a Denny's. God is forced to attend rehab.
September 19: Talk Like A Pirate Day (International), Talk Regularly Day (Somalia)
- 1778 – The Continental Congress passes the first budget of the United States, budgeting 10,000 doubloons for defense, 5000 pieces of eight for social programs, and additional booty to highways.
- 1796 – George Washington makes his farewell address, saying "Aye me mateys, it were good being captain of this fine ship of state."
- 1957 – First U.S. underground nuclear bomb test is conducted, shivering timbers as far as 500 miles away.
- 1970 – Pirates the world over rejoice at Oldsmobile's launch of the Cutlass Supreme.
- 1985 – First pirated movie released. It is rated ARRRRRRRRRRR!
- 1995 – First Talk Like a Pirate Day. It rapidly replaces the unpopular Talk Like a Ninja Day, which involved people saying nothing so as to conceal their presence.
- 1997 - Mike Tyson ruthlessly made fun of after doing a pirate impression. Three ears are added to his collection.
September 20: Sexual Innuendo Day
- 30,000 BC - Oonak of the Tribe of the Wolf tells Nooma of the People of the Lake that he's got a big, thick woody club back in his cave that he'd love to show her, inventing sexual innuendo.
- 1939 - Second World War declared. Churchill states in his first War-time speech: "We're going to be up against stiff opposition, and what we as a nation will experience in the coming months is going to be long and hard. "
- 1940 - First printing of "Biggles Goes Down".
- 1960 - Oil mining in Alberta, Canada goes wrong, causing the rig to get stuck pumping farther and farther into the hole while the rich liquid spewed out.
- 2005 - Israel pulls out of Palestine.
September 21: Cola Wars Armistice Day
- 454 - Roman Emperor Valentinian III assassinates his general Aëtius after a dispute over the merits of Coke and Pepsi.
- 1780 - American Revolutionary War: Benedict Arnold gives the British the plans to West Point and the secret formula to Coke.
- 1952 - Pepsi introduces the "So much better than Coke that it makes me feel sick" plan, and sets up 'Pepsicon'. Coca Cola is banned from the USSR. This triggers the Cold Cola War.
- 1986 - Colonel Sanders surrenders his forces to PepsiCo at the Battle of Kentucky.
- 2006 - Royal Crown Cola declares war on Pepsi Cola and Coca Cola, proclaiming "Death to the American Capitalist Swine".
September 22: Autumnal Unquinox
- 1465 - Aztec tourists discover autumn in the resort town of Equinox, Vermont.
- 1785 - Britain fails to recognise this day any longer, after realising that "the weather's always crap, every bloody day!"
- 1867 - New Englanders genetically modify trees to change colors in autumn, as part of a plan to lure Southern tourists back North after the Civil War. The plan fails when the first Southern tourists complain about the integration of colored trees with non-colored trees.
- 1960 - Dr. Seuss' Green Eggs and Ham is first published, provoking the law that Best Before Date stickers are to be put on all eggs and ham. This law was later extended to include all perishable food items and Michael Jackson's career.
- 2001 - The Federal Communications Commission places largely ignored ban on the use of Fall as a synonym for Autumn, citing complaints by family members of September 11 victims.
September 23: Take a Venomous Animal to Work Day, also National Australian Pavlova is Ours Day.
- 1143 - Pope Innoocent II rejoins God after taking his wife to work.
- 1554 - Francisco Vasquez de Coronado, Spanish explorer, dies after taking a rattlesnake to work.
- 1774 - Pope Clement XIV (b. 1705) expires after taking a lionfish to work.
- 1979 - Olympics held in Wigan for the second time.
- 1986 - Ozzy "Ozzy" Osbourne catches a crazy train and is late for work.
- 1989 - Songwriter Irving Berlin dies when the platypus he brings to work strikes him with its venomous leg spines.
- 2002 - Man dies after a komodo dragon bites his penis in the company bathroom.
September 24: Weasel Stomping Day
- 3000 BC - Greek philosopher Atheises founds the Order of Dyslexic Atheists and declares as its motto "There is no dog!"
- 1541 - Paracelsus, Swiss alchemist, passes away after being drained by a bitter rivalry with the alchemist Parafahrenheit.
- 1789 - United States History: the position of Attorney General is established, to act as general over the army of attorneys raised during the Revolutionary War.
- 1906 - U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt proclaims Devils Tower the nation's first National Monument after obsessively sculpting the rock formation in mashed potatoes.
- 1939 - Adolf Hitler gets into a hedge dispute with his Polish neighbour.
September 25: Pastafarian New Year's Eve
- 75 BC - Julius Caesar assembles a small army to punish the prophet Mosey for ransoming him at too low a cost.
- 20 - God invents Grues to punish Jews who prosecuted Jesus.
- 879 - Vikings find the word "Viking" offensive. Change name to Berserkers.
- 1936 - The great prophet Barry Foster is killed by an unplugged electric model tram whilst convening a Burns supper; he is subsequently devoured by his guests as part of the main course.
- 2006 - You log on and view Uncyclopedia; millions die.
September 26: Happy Pastafarian New Year!
- 13,775,000,001 BC - The Flying Spaghetti Monster creates the Universe, then quickly retreats back into his dishy domain until the time is right.
- 1846 - At the 1846 Uncyclopedia Convention at Aurora, New York, The Flying Spaghetti Monster was unanimously elected the official carbohydrate-based deity of Uncyclopedia.
- 1930 - The stock market crashes due to pasta stocks going through the roof.
- 1946 - English filmmaker Alfred Hitchcock releases his masterpiece FSM, starring Warren Beatty as the Flying Spaghetti Monster and Ingrid Bergman as Distraught Brunette.
- 1993 - An American man sees a miraculous apparition: the Flying Spaghetti Monster appears in the stains in his Kitchen Sink.
- 2007 - Masses of peaceful protesters march on the government building housing the Kansas Board of Education after the board votes to ban all pasta from school lunches.
September 27: Being Fooled by Nigerian Scammers Day
- 1822: Jean-François Champollion announces that he has deciphered the Rosetta stone. It begins, "Dear sir, I am the cousin of the former finance minister of Nigeria, Ngubo Mbobobo..."
- 1882: Oscar Wilde is notified that he has been selected to receive £24.9 million from persecuted Nigerian businessman Mr. Mboto Nzuzuwawe! All he has to do is telegraph his checking account number!
- 1942: Adolf Hitler gets scammed out of all of Nazi Germany's tank anti-freeze budget by a Nigerian claiming to need a small sum of money to export his emu stock and giant vast fortunes.
- 2005: George W. Bush announces a 10,000,000 USD injection into the US economy, after receiving an email from "Dr. David Ngumutumutu" who has all this money from some American guy's Nigerian bank account, who died in a plane crash with the rest of his family.
- 2010: You go onto Uncyclopedia.org and check what anniversary it is after you paid a Nigerian $500 because he claimed to know the secret of life and that it was on this website.
Yes kids - Brick walls can be fun.
September 28: Commemoration of the Brick wall.
- 1200 - Roger Waters places first brick in The Wall.
- 1207 - The first brick wall crumbles. 491 years of darkness ensues.
- 1698 - Brick reinvented by Kevin Costner as a flotation device. Kevin decrees that any major milestone of the brick must henceforth occur on September 26.
- 1699 - Roger Waters put another brick in The Wall.
- 1704 - First 'stack of bricks' discovered at the bottom of Lake Superior, along with Ricki Lake.
- 1837 - Humpty Dumpty trades in brick wall for something a lot more stable.
- 1839 - Mister Angry Waters throw a lot of bricks in The Wall again and again.
- 1917 - Roger Waters puts another fuckin' brick in The Wall.
- 1923 - The Wailing Wall collapses after major flooding caused by millions of pilgrims.
- 1930 - Wall Street crashes due to mortar stocks going through the roof.
- 1989 - Berlin Wall breaks up after discovering their cover version of Canadian Idiot is not popular in America.
- 1997 - Prof. M. Brick invents the 'new' brick wall to commemorate the 299th anniversary of the brick.
- 1998 - Vin Diesel records a special commemorative cover of "Brick House", titled "Brick Shithouse".
- 1999 - WLCPs "Another Brick in the Eye" reaches number 72 in the Billboard Charts.
September 29th: International Talk Like a 12th Century Finnish Cobbler Day
- 4004 BC - Adam and Eve work out that nudity is no longer fashionable. (pictured)
- 2987 BC - The Almighty Creator of the Universe steps away from the podium momentarily, and returns to find his most beloved followers enslaved to cat-worshipping pyramid fetishists.
- 1939 - The inaugural Axis of Evil Hot Dog Eating Competition is held in Rome; Japanese Emperor Hirohito defeats Adolf Hitler by a slim margin due to Hitler's insistence on adding sauerkraut to each hot dog.
- 1973 - Forrest Gump visits the White House, pisses himself in the Oval Office.
- 1991 - Primitive internet customers experience the first cases of regret after clicking hyperlinks, as images of a man with years of experience behind him circulate.
- 2004 - The asteroid 4179 Toutatis debates with itself about whether the Solar system really needs earth.
September 30: Drunken Monkey Knife Fight Day (pictured)
- 1452 - The first book is printed: the Johann Gutenberg Bible. This is followed closely by The Girls of Gutenberg Press and The Gutenberg Bible (Lingerie Edition).
- 1813 - Battle of Bárbula: Simón Bolívar defeats Santiago Bobadilla in a drunken knife fight.
- 1890 - HMS Bounceout, the first underwater vessel to be powered entirely on orange juice, is launched.
- 1911 - Sir Barnabas Poleaxe discovers Belgium.
- 1949 - The Berlin Airlift ends after millions of cubic feet of air are successfully transported to Berlin.
- 1955 - James Dean gets drunk and tries to get in a knife fight with oncoming car.
October 1: International Start Preparing for Halloween Day, International Start Preparing for Christmas Day (people who don't like Halloween)
- 1919 - Woodrow Wilson falls down the White House stairs and is the first President to lose use of his left big toe.
- 1928 - The Soviet Union introduces its first Five-Year Plan, which is to come up with another five year plan in five years.
- 1960 - Nigeria gains independence from the United Kingdom. This event is celebrated by a solemn ten seconds of not sending spam emails.
- 1962 - Riots in Mississippi as Alabama wins the "America's most racist state" award. Alabama's victory brought to an end Mississippi's 30-year winning streak.
- 1979 - The Hunt For Red October officially began. It was supposed to start on September 28th, but they waited a couple of days to save them changing the name.
- 1998 - Raccoon City is destroyed by three cruise missiles and repeated aerial bombardment in an attempt to contain a T-Virus outbreak
- 2003 - Bournemouth recognised as a city by the British government, entire world shocked.
October 2: International Orgasm Day
- 1876 - Six women are killed in test of first steam-powered vibrator. Its inventor, Havelock Schtumpf, is never seen again.
- 1889 - In Colorado, Nicholas Creede strikes it rich during the last great orgasm boom of the American Old West.
- 1919 - US President Woodrow Wilson reaches orgasm and suffers a massive stroke, leaving him partially paralyzed.
- 1924 - The Geneva Protocol is adopted as a means to strengthen the length of male orgasm.
- 1949 - 500,000 male steel workers win improved retirement benefits, orgasms.
- 1966 - The end of the Great Orgasm Shortage, as 2 billion people all orgasm at the same time, vibrating the earth closer to the sun by around 500 miles. Scientists predict a slow and steady increase in global temperature.
- 1968 - Bill Gates gets off for the first time. His prostate explodes.
October 3: National Day of Retrofitting Your Hamster with a Metal Ass (Japan)
- -1195 AD - The King of Persia launches a surprise attack on Rome with their new and improved rugs. Cesar Chavez's army crushes the attacks with a combined Pirate and Ninja fleet.
- 1423 - First recorded joke of a man making a pun on the word 'come'.
- 1915 - Steel prices skyrocket due to the large number of pet hamsters owned in Japan.
- 1952 - Due to shortages of metal after World War II, hamsters are forced to wear discarded cutlery.
- 1978 - Aluminium asses are proved to give greater power to weight ratio for the hamster.
- 1982 - Discovered that uranium hamster ass was "probably not a very good idea".
- 2004 - PETA activists blockade McDonalds fast-food outlets to protest against the cruel, barbaric process of retrofitting hamsters with metal asses.
- 2015 - Apple creates iLife, therefore having a lifespan of 6 months before something newer and better than you is released.
October 4: International Holiday In Space Day, National Day of No National Holidays (Botswana), International Zombie appreciation day
- 1582- The Gregorian Calendar is implemented, skipping straight from October 4 to October 15. This new calendar replaced the Julian Calendar, and was the final straw in a massive flame war between Julius Caesar and Pope Gregory the Great.
- 1846 - Smithsonian Institution opens its first Air and Space Museum. Due to the limited technology of the day, the exhibits consist of a kite, a feather, and a weird-shaped greenish rock that "looks kinda like it coulda come from space, or som'thin".
- 1985 - The comic strip Fred Basset quixotically debuts in American newspapers.
- 1991 - Leo Fender, inventor of the electric guitar, passes away. His death is marked by a minute of silent rockin' out on the air guitar (pictured).
- 2023 - Alarms go off due to Apple setting it out, so we do not jump out the door with a cat.
October 5: National Telegraph Appreciation Day (brought to you by TT&A, your local telegraph provider)
- 1337 BC - The telegraph is invented by Greek inventor Teleos Graphodopoulos.
- 337 BC - Alexander the Great celebrates 1,000th anniversary of telegraphy by having world's first telegraph sex with his lover, George Michael; boasts of his "long dash."
- 663 - Mohammed telegraphs his intentions to destroy all Christian infidels. Celebrations of telegraph's 2,000th anniversary are cancelled.
- 1371 - Blinding snowstorm snarls traffic, downs telegraph lines in Ming Dynasty's first test of emergency preparedness.
- 1921 - The World Series was broadcast on the radio for the first time. Telegraph announcer at the World Series loses all fingers trying to keep up. He sues all radio owners making them give him their fingers; He now has over a million fingers on each hand.
- 1926 - The first error 404 appeared in a telegraph (in this thing called the "internet")
- 1931 - Before crashing in France, the British airship R101 sends an urgent SOS telegram, until they realize there's nothing connected onto the other end of it.
- 2006 - Google and SUN Microsystems release their thin-client telegraph server, codenamed GTelegraph, to combat Microsoft.
- 2006 - Western Union cancels telegraphic service, saying "We're gonna try out this new telly-phone deal the kids are so fond of."
October 6 : Anniversary of the Invention of Fire, World's Most Dangerous Day To Be Flammable
- 4,327,340 B.C. - Fire is invented. Matches, which had been in use for years beforehand, now finally have a use.
- 4,327,339 B.C. - The competition to create the biggest bang results in the accidental creation of aerosols.
- 105 B.C. - The Greeks invent a fire which doesn't go out when in contact with water. They call it "Greek Fire".
- 103 B.C. - A hasty rebranding of "Greek Fire" goes wrong, and the newly renamed "AlphaFire+" is scrapped. Nobody bothers to write down the formula.
- 1081 - King Wilhelm IV of North West Prussia dies. The North West Prussia Gazette finally has front page news that doesn't involve the word "sauerkraut".
- 1611 - Several people are executed for "petty theft" in Hungary, much to the amusement of the Austrians, who framed them.
- 1612 - Hungary goes to war with Austria.
- 1613 - Several Austrians are extradited to Hungary, where they are executed for "obstructing the cause of justice". Hungary withdraws from Austria, after 40 million people have died.
- 1846 - Mr. Georges "Bang-Bang" Firework, of Sparkler Street, Catherine Wheel, New Jersey, finally invents the trampoline.
- 1859 - Mr. Henry "Boing-Boing" Jumper, of Trampoline Terrace, Bouncy, Ohio, finally invents the firework. Various historians later switch the facts to amuse themselves.
- 1910 - People realise fireworks are better at night.
- 1913 - Parties are held throughout London, celebrating the fact that they have just signed a peace treaty with Germany.
- 1936 - An Austrian physicist discovers the long lost formula for "AlphaFire+". Unfortunately, his lab then burnt down.
- 1957 - Historians jump with joy as they discover what Edward Crapper invented.
- 1995 - Several Hungarians nick a firecracker from an Austrian shop, and then proceed to blame some Austrians.
- 1996 - The Hungarians are burnt at the stake, ironically using their own firecracker.
- 2002 - The official date of the discovery of fire is discovered by historians. They attribute the discovery to Mr. Alfred "Burn-Burn" Hotstuff.
October 7: International Penis Appreciation Day
- 1512 - Cockfighting is invented by Goorg, a Turkish peasant in Asia Minor. Confusion reigns as roosters square off against genitalia.
- 1960 - Kennedy & Nixon debate the Cold War and penis length in the second of four scheduled debates.
- 1970 - Richard Nixon announces he has a penis and launches a new five-point peace proposal to end the Vietnam War.
- 2003 - California governor Gray Davis loses his penis and is replaced by Arnold Schwarzenegger.
- 2007 - Actor Daniel Radcliffe, concerning a penis-enhancement e-mail, sues "that guy who keeps offering to make my penis larger" for sexual harassment; "that guy", who turns out to be Jesus, claims to have been trying to work on his miracle-performing skills.
October 8: International Best Inventions Ever Day
- 4004 BC - God invents breasts.
- 2600 BC - Mayans invent chocolate.
- 500 - Germans invent beer.
- 1890 - Oscar Wilde invents Uncyclopedia.
- 1963 - Hippies invent Free Love.
- 1973 - America invents diabetes.
- 2006 - Royal Canadian Air Force invents Air-to-Segway missile.
- 1754 - It is alleged by some that on this day, Weasel words probably were invented.
- 1862 - The Cheasel is invented.
- 1937 - The Spleen weasel is discovered in Paris.
- 1961 - Ferret racing is invented in Australia.
- 1964 - Jeff Bezos is born.
- 2007 - A woman gives birth to a weasel.
October 10: Not-for-turning Day, International Day of No Underwear
- 1582 - Pope Gregory XIII implements the Gregorian calendar. While not wearing any underwear. Pope Gregory announced that turning is immoral.
- 1807 - Canada defeats The Pirate Nation in the Canadian-Pirate War. Canada turns a new leaf even though they're not supposed to turn...
- 1815 - Napoleon I of France begins his exile on St. Helena in the Atlantic Ocean. He forgets to pack any underwear. When it was his turn to attack, he refused, stating his famous cathphrase, "Turning will give you herpes."
- 1980 - Margaret Thatcher declares that she is not for turning, despite the best attempts of pro-turning lobbyists.
- 1995 - Underwear outlawed in Paris. Riots ensue. Jim Morrision turns in his grave.
- 1581 - The Portuguese are the first to deep fry the tasty dodo
- 1776 - George Washington devours a bald eagle.
- 1809 - Famed explorer Meriwether Lewis dies of a gunshot wound. Although it is generally believed to be a suicide, others note that suspicious-looking kiwis were seen lurking in the area.
- 1890 - Americans stop eating pigeons after an intensive ad campaign by Big Chicken.
- 1923 - Scientists prove there are no penguins at the north pole, after eating them all.
- 1989 - McDonald's introduces the Ostrich McNugget and the Fossilized Dodo Tendie, despite heavy protests from environmental groups.
- 2012 - New York forces the homeless to eat pigeon in exchange for welfare, activists cry fowl.
October 12: International Day of Using Bible Verses For Any Purpose Whatsoever
- 1492 - Christopher Columbus placeth the first "John 3:16" sign in the New World.[1]
- 1941 - Winston Churchill falleth asunder, crying "My bowels, my bowels! I am pained at my very heart; my heart maketh a noise in me."[2]
- 1958 - Andy Warhol discovereth that a feast is made for laughter, and wine maketh merry... but money answereth all things.[3]
- 1989 - Actor Patrick Stewart goeth for a walk. And as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. [4]
- 2003 - Jeb Bush, Governor of Florida, maketh a law that will cut off the people him that pisseth against a wall.[5]
October 13: International Paranoia Day
- 1792 - Cornerstone laid for the White House. Who lays stones? Masons. What organization did the masons start? Freemasons. Do I need to spell the rest out for you people?
- 1835 - Nothing of historical significance happened on this day in history... or so the Illuminati would have us believe.
- 1955 - The. U.S. Government does not begin top secret operations at Area 51 (wink wink).
- 1974 - TV personality Ed Sullivan passes away due to "natural causes". And just like that, the Jews are one step closer to global domination.
- 2000 - Preparations for the 9-11 attacks are begun by agents of the United Nations, the Jews, the CIA, and the Vatican.
- 2025 - Nothing apocalyptic will happen... or will it?
October 14: National Hit an Annoying Person in the Head Day
- 1066 - William the Conqueror punches an opposing soldier in the head at the Battle of Hastings.
- 1922 - A man is punched in the head after he uses the elevator to ride a single floor instead of taking the stairs opposite the elevators.
- 1999 - A PC spits a CD out of its CD-ROM drive, hitting Bill Gates in the head. This is the first confirmed instance of artificial intelligence.
- 2003 - George of the Jungle was captured by a nearby tree, which promptly clubbed him in the head. Apparently the tree was meditating when George's distracting collisions occurred.
- 2009 - Someone hits an annoying person with a stick 9 times.
- Future - <insert name here> is brutally hit over the head with clubs for being an Uncyclopedian.
October 15: Opening Day of Hunting Season for Mimes (United States)
- 1804 - The first mime turns up in France.
- 1914 - Mime hunting season initiated to control the number of mimes.
- 1976 - Massacres and bloodbaths occur on the streets of France. Mimes nearly go extinct. The world rejoices.
- 2003 - PETA argues that the mime problem should be solved humanely, by imprisoning them in invisible boxes.
- 2004 - A disgruntled mime uses a magnum to "remove" any extra mimes in the area, he is promptly arrested. Apparently the mime wasn't using a silencer.
- 2006 - Vice President Dick Cheney shoots a mime in the face in a hunting "accident."
October 16: Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde Appreciation Day
- 1854 - Oscar Wilde is born, the World rejoices this event.
- 1914 - The first National Making Up Oscar Wilde Quotes Championship is held in Southamptonshire on Boxbridge, England.
- 1963 - A statue of Wilde is erected in his birthplace: Dublin, Ireland. It is inscribed with passages from his most well-known work, The Happy Prince and Other Stories, and becomes a site of pilgrimage for struggling young homosexual playwrights around the world.
- 2007 - Online garbage fire Uncyclopedia hopes referencing Oscar Wilde rubs off on the quality of its shitty articles, fails horribly.
October 17: International Take a Sojourn Day
- 1882 - Canada creates Take a Sojourn to Canada Day to improve Canada, instances of rape by Yaks increase 140%
- 1907 - Robert Perry becomes the first man to take a sojourn to the North Pole, is raped by a reindeer.
- 1935 - A wizard did it during a sojourn in Canada, it is said to be fucking magical or something!!
- 1959 - The Soviet Union institutes Take a Sojurn to the Soviet Union day, instances of Yak rape increase 150%
- 1995 - Stephen Hawking runs over a cat during a sojourn in Oxford
- 2006 - A young boy is nearly raped by a gay English teacher while taking a sojourn in Canada
October 18: International Funk Day (Portugal), Radiation Day
- 0023 - God lost control of the universe yet again, causing countless miracles. Luckily, Jesus thought fast and found an explanation for all those fish everywhere.
- 1000 - Due to linguistical differences in many parts of the world, many people have unfortunately mixed up International Funk Day with International Spunk Day. Kleenex has a field day.
- 1955 - All Hell Breaks Loose in Wittinghermandershire Upon Broohavensmarshington, England when a portal to the dark underworld is discovered by a chimney sweep mistaking an inconspicuous closet door for that of the men's lavatory in a small, inconspicuous pub. The scene of dark beings invading the earth is compounded by the fact that the chimney sweep failed to realize that the "urinal" into which he chose to relieve himself was, in fact, a dark being. And, although dark beings are, in fact, dark beings, they do have feelings too and do not, contrary to popular belief, appreciate being urinated upon by chimney sweeps.
- 1960 - Funk music, Jazz's retarded brother is born.
- 1978 - U.S. President George Clinton puts Portugal under a groove. Portuguese population introduced to blow.
- 2002 - Jacques Chirac is elected in France, funky disco dancing ensues.
- 2002 - Parisians realize how gay Disco Dancing is, rioting ensues.
- 2006 - Kim Jong Il funks the world with Mass Destruction, giving celebration to all of the days' occasions.
- 2557- 25 different types of cheese are discovered on the bottom of the ocean. Scientists are baffled and manage to retrieve 16 of the different types. A German hypnotist later publishes the findings in a kids weekly coloring book; it becomes an instant best seller.
October 19: Feast of Saint Roger (Estonia). Feast of rogering saints (Bulgaria).
- 24 - Saint Roger invites his chums to his residence, Gobblewood Mansion, and holds a feast.
- 26 - Saint Roger gets raped by Hillbillies while on holiday in Bulgaria
- 1161 - The first trout was launched into space by the ruskies, onboard Stenchpotski 12.
- 1297 - Someone, somewhere, goes to the lavatory.
- 1349 - Postmen all over England suffer the Sack Death.
- 1492 - Christopher Columbus sings the blues.
- 1607 - Elizabeth I of England rises from the dead as a zombie- then dies again of a bad cold.
- 1704 - Nokia renames itself Bobcom.
- 1734 - Bobcom renames itself Fredphone.
- 1764 - Fredphone renames itself Kings Cross Talk.
- 1824 - Kings Cross Talk renames itself Londres Compagnie de la Télécommunications.
- 1854 - Londres Compagnie de la Télécommunications renames itself London-Telekommunikation-Gesellschaft.
October 20: Run out of ideas for Uncyclopedia anniversaries day
- 1735 - A French pot head trips on the remains of Napoleon, nobody gives a damn.
- 1846 - Engrish troops invade Minnesota, realize they took a wrong turn on the way to France and turn around. Indians scalp and rape several.
- 1864 - Abraham Lincoln issues the Emancipation Proclamation as a joke; unfortunately, nobody gets it.
- 1965 - A flying saucer lands in California, Scientology briefly becomes popular, at least until the government fire bombed all the celebrities.
- 1969 - Oscar Wilde is discovered painting a mosaic of Islamic extremists with his urine. Extremists eat sacred cows in retaliation. Gandhi is shocked and appalled, the movie Gandhi II is released as a result of real world events.
- 1974 - End of an Oil embargo crisis: Most OPEC nations end a 5-month oil embargo against the United States, America tells them to fuck off; invents electric vehicles.
- 1980 - The world was taken over by the governmen- er... um... Hey guys.. how are you? What with those guns pointed at my head?
- 1982 - Mount St. Helens erupts in Washington, killing several million hikers and causing US$390 trillion in damage. Government cover up of the tragedy includes flying monkeys with super-soakers.
- 1988 - Two U.S. Army roflcopters collide in Fort Campbell, Kentucky, killing 1337 squirrels.
- 1990 - China begins plans to hack google and steal information on McDonalds cheeseburger prep.
- 1990 - South Korean scientists recreate mohammed from cloned DNA of Chihuahua. The world fell into darkness.
- 1998 - Beer first enters my stomach. Thousands rejoice.
- 2005 - Screw this, I'm off.
- π - The US Supreme Court declares that π has just as much of a right to be a year as any other year and declares the next 20 years to be the year π as back pay for this injustice over two millennia old.
- 2006 - Actually, I think we have enough for today, but the rest of the month is going to be a pain, well, it's time to go "research" events.
- 2012 - The apocalypse at the end of the world is discovered to have been caused by unyclopedia running out of ideas for anniversaries.
October 21: William Shatner Appreciation Day
- 1989 - The gateway to Hell opened up for the eleventh time since Britney Spears got out, but it was only to let Mr. Flufferkins go tinkle. Mr. Rogers' neighborhood never recovered.
- 1992 - Rachael Ray's chicken gains intelligent life
- 1997 - Frogger crossed the road for the very first time
- 1998 - The $5 bill was invented
- 2007 - Buster Keaton is slowly forgotten once again.
- 2008 - Klingon made the official language of the United States.
- 2009 - You read this.
- 2015 - Marty McFly and Dr. Emmett Brown arrive to Hill Valley from the year 1985.
- 2024 - A fly travels to Nova Scotia to drink some sodas.
October 22: Nat-t-tional S-s-stuttering Awareness Day (Canada), nATIONAL cAPS lOCK dAY (United Kingdom)
- 1889 - AMERICAN TYPEWRITER'S UNION CHANGES NAME TO AMERICAN FEDERATION OF DICTATION TAKERS
- 1920 NEW YORK TIMES INTRODUCES ITS FAMOUS "NEWS ZIPPER"; WALL STREET JOURNAL CAUGHT WITH ITS PANTS DOWN
- 1940 - POETRY LAUREATE E E CUMMINGS ATTACKED BY RABID TYPEWRITER; HILARITY ENSUES
- 1941 - WAR BREAKS OUT BETWEEN ALLIED STANDARD TYPEWRITER KEY BOARD LOVERS AND AXIS OF DVORAK USERS; PUNCTUATION SUFFERERS AROUND THE WORLD CAUGHT IN MIDDLE
- 1968 - LED ZEP-EP-EP-EPLIN RELEASES ITS CLASSIC ALBUM "LED ZEPPPPLIN IIIII", FEATURING HIS HIT SINGLE "WHOLE LOTTTTA LLLLLOVE"
- 2005 - W W W W W W W WOR WOR WORLD REC RE REC RECORD STUT ST STUTTER WI W W WIN WINS P P P P P P P P P PRI PRIZE
- 2006 - CAPS LOCK DAY IS ALL FUN AND GAMES UNTIL CAPS LOCK GETS STUCK AND EVERYONE IS THOUGHT TO BE YELLING.
October 23: D&D Empowerment Day, a day to let go of your guilt and shame for having played Dungeons & Dragons as a child (or still), and instead reflect upon how it's changed you for the better; National Whack-a-Mole Day (US and Japan).
- 33 - Jesus creates D&D, the Romans crucify him for this and buries the game where it is found 1900 years later.
- 1970 - Dave Arneson creates a scenario involving an adventure through a castle sewer, in quest of the legendary change room of maidens in waiting. Later arrested for being a peeping tom. Judge was unmoved by his plea that he was doing important game research.
- 1971 - Gary Gygax and Dave Arneson team up to create "The Fantasy Game." Monsters are substituted for maidens, and mountains of loose change for changerooms.
- 1974 - TSR publishes the now-renamed Dungeons & Dragons® game by slapping homemade labels over used cereal boxes. In one year, the entire hand-assembled print run of 1,000 games sells out.
- 1979 - Ozzy Osbourne is chosen as official spokesman, eventually appearing in a commercial where he bites the head off of a Basilisk.
- 1984 - You realise with horror that the phrase "Uncursed +1/+1 Dark Dwarven Mithril Battle-Axe of Hunting" no longer sounds completely ridiculous to you.
October 24: Evil Villian Appreciation Day, National Put The Ramones On at Full Volume And Piss Off The Neighbors Day, World Beauty Festival, Stupid Worthless Useless Day, Hooverville Appreciation Day.
- 1867 - After mass revolt by the Australian and New Zealand governments, Harry becomes Guardian of UCT
- 1889 - First recorded use of pure hearted maiden, strapped to railroad tracks, to attract a ransom; the deed, while dasterdly, merely attracts Royal Canadian Mounted Police who save the girl and thwart the plan
- 1931 - Polish schoolboy Joseph Ratzinger is arrested for arson, rape and general troublemaking. The Pope declares this day an International catholic holiday.
- 1941 - Hitler writes the lyrics of "Blitzkrieg Bop". Later becomes a hit song by The Ramones.
- 1943 - Morroco becomes capital of evil villians; they are simply fed up to "here" with Hitler's needy personality
- 1969 - Your second grade teacher, mean old Miss Masters takes away your favorite doll and holds it ransome; demands that you earn an "A" on your spelling test or "Dolly gets it"
- 1977 - Habitat for Humanity contemplates rebuilding the Big Bad Wolf's house for charity. Instead decides on Euthanasia as a more cost-sensitive option.
- 1984 - A science teacher from Great Yarmouth sends his class zipwiring down pylon wires, claiming a man who looked a spitting image of Osama Bin Laden told him to do so. It turned out to be the janitor. Incredibly, no-one was even injured and everyone cleared the zipline.
- 2005 - Dick Cheney gets a dozen roses.
- 2006 - George Bush holds Ramone concert; all of Canada kept awake until 3am
- 2007 - Harry Potter 7 comes out -SPOILER: Voldermort idealised as upstanding being, wins Hermione's heart.In desperation Harry becomes gay.
October 25: Shark Awareness Day
- 625 - Pope Boniface V eaten by a blue shark.
- 1147 - The Portuguese, under Afonso I, and Crusaders from England conquer Lisbon after a four-month siege. They decide to celebrate by going for a swim, and then all get eaten by tiger sharks.
- 1946 - The secret vote was held by the British parliament to enact the 1946 Gay and Lesbian Slavery Act
- 1977 - Renegade child eats dozens of sharks at Miami Beach. Panicked King Tritan declares State of Emergency and suspends Civil Liberties.
- 1979 - Greenpeace activist dies after trying to train the first vegetarian shark.
- 1994 - Vincent Price's tomb found empty and a series of bizarre murders occur. Sharks are prime suspects.
- 1997 - Charge of the White Van Men, an infamous fight during the Battle of Balaclava
- 2006 - All travel to Australia banned; shark eats young child at beach.
- 2008 - I could not find my keys. Sharks were to blame.
October 26: International Time Travel Day
- 1822 - In theaters this summer: The Rock discovers the secret to time travel, goes back in time to kill Hitler, only to realize Hitler wasn't born yet.
- 1921 - Highlander comes forward a billion years and impales Sean Connery on a parking meter, revenge ensues.
- 1988 - Bill and Ted build a time machine out of a phone booth for access to space porn.
- 1988 - Proto-Emo angsty teenage outsider, Donnie Darko, avoids being killed by a time-traveling jet engine by sleeping on a golf course/is killed by a time-traveling jet engine.
- 1994 - First Time Cop trained; turns into serial killer, but accidentally destroys own grandmother, creating a paradox called Doctor Who.
October 27: National "Peeing Calvin" Bumper Sticker Day
- 1875 - Oscar Wilde decided to avoid his normal routine and go to the barbers before attending his routine denouncement
- 1956 - George Bush's first toenail grew in. Widely considered to be particularly unspectacular, this event is overlooked by hoards of Bush suporters who hold wild street parties, which begin with tea and quiet chatting and end in mass orgies.
- 1959 - John F. Kennedy pees on Calvin.
- 1998 - Mother of Pearl Sunday when several people attempted to create a zombie of Michael Jackson.
- 2101 - Chuck Norris pees twice on Calvin. Then pees on Hobbes and Bill Watterson. Can you beat that John?
This is October 28th: Carpe Diem (US: Day of the Goldfish)
- 1066 - William the Bad Motherfucker PWNZ the Saxon army. Maybe they should have stopped playing so much damn jazz and maybe picked up a sword, eh?
- 1492 - Christopher Columbus lands in Cuba, stocks up on Cuban cigars, Che Guevara memorabilia.
- 1955 - Bill Gates is born. Biblical scholars widely regard this as one of the signs of the End Times described by the Bible in Revelations 4:16 ("Yea, and there shall come a great Monopolist, and this Octopus shall cast his tentacles wide, and He shall spread darkness upon the land, in the form of buggy software, security holes, and poor interface design")
- 1956 - Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is born. His childhood is marked by several instances of being dropped on his head and drinking paint thinner.
October 29: National Ignorance Awareness Day (United States)
- 1675 - Leibniz makes the first use of the long s, ∫, for integral. 315 years later I have to take calculus. Thanks, man. Thanks a fucking lot.
- 1929 - The New York Stock Exchange crashes, beginning the Great Depression. I think that was like, when, everyone got really unhappy for a long time.
- 1969 - The first-ever computer-to-computer link is established on ARPANET, the precursor to the Internet. It is used to send porn.
- 1972 - President Richard Nixon declares that he is addicted to the word "Declares".
- 1998 - Space Shuttle Discovery blasts-off with 77-year old John Glenn on board, making him the oldest person to go into space. He bores astronauts by telling them about how in his day, they didn't have astronaut ice cream, and there were no zero-G toilets, they just had to hold it in the entire mission.
October 30: All Hallow's Eve Eve
- 1745 - The English plan for the first annual Dress Like An Idiot Day.
- 1929 - Thousands of investors sell stock in candy, leading to a stock market crash and a very depressing Halloween.
- 1989 - Old lady buys apples to give out to trick-or-treaters; still doesn't get it.
- 2011 - Viewers of The Simpons Treehouse of Horror disappointed once again, will be duped again next year.
- 2014 - Americans everywhere begin to put up Christmas decorations, or leave the Christmas decor they forgot take down.
- 2018 - The streets of every major city fill with the scent of pumpkin spice and dead homeless people, taken by the cold of winter nights.
October 31: International Dress Like an Idiot Day
- 1517 - The Protestant Reformation begins. After spending all week on his robot costume, Martin Luther goes to the local church but they won't give him candy. He plays a trick on them spreading his theses all over the church door.
- 1897 - The City of London's Best Halloween Costume prize is awarded to Oscar Wilde for his clever Oscar Wilde costume.
- 1969 - Women discover that instead of putting time into making an awesome costume they can just take a normal job uniform and slut it up a bit.
- 1970 - Richard Nixon puts poison and razor blades in children's candy.
- 2025 - The end is marked by children knocking on your door and asking for treats.
November 1: International Destroy Tokyo Day
- 1136 - Tokyo found destroyed. General consensus is that a wizard did it.
- 1952 - As part of the weapons program Operation Ivy, the U.S. successfully detonates a 10 megaton hydrogen bomb in Eniwetok atoll, located in the Marshall Islands. Most historians regard this as Godzilla's birthday. Godzilla celebrates it every year by attempting to destroy Tokyo, or, if Tokyo is under attack from another monster, by saving Tokyo.
- 1953 - Mothra hatches from an egg, destroys Tokyo.
- 1965 - Birthday of Gamera. Gamera gets his ass handed to him before he can destroy Tokyo by Godzilla. Since Tokyo was not in any immediate danger, Godzilla destroys Tokyo.
- 1967 - Cookie Monster born, then destroys Tokyo.
- 1973 - Tokyo explodes.
- 30 AD - Jesus Christ gives his first public performance, with supporting act Judas Iscariot and his Break-dancing Bethlehemites.
- 1407 - Your mom was born.
- 1687 - Exactly the same events happen on this day as they will on July 2nd, 1991
- 1765 - James Brown eats his soul, hence All Soul Food Day is declared. Satan supposedly interested.
- 1990 - German President Michael Schumacher is eaten by a bear, and lives to tell the tale.
- 1991 - Exactly the same events occur that happened on July 2nd 1687
November 3: Unsubtle Allegory for Authoritarianism Day
- 1966 - The Party Revolution occurs in England, which is renamed Airstrip One by Big Brother.
- 1967 - Yevgeny Zamyatin and Aldous Huxley sues Big Brother for copyright infringement.
- 1984 - Big Brother cracks down on protesters demanding a more original and creative dystopia.
- 2001 - Let's thank Big Brother for increasing the chocolate rations to 30 grams!
- 2014 - The proles are entranced by the latest best-seller from Minitrue: Fifty Shades of Grey.
- 2018 - Politics gets compared to 1984 so many times that Big Brother is forced to step down and return control to the Conservative Party. The British mourn.
- 2020 - Joe Biden wins the presidential election with the help of Big Brother, the Party, and his son Hunter's laptop.
November 4: Artificial Limb Awareness Diurnal Period
- 200 - Oedipus: One Bad Mothafucka released by Mythic Records, goes triple platinum.
- 1600 and something - Descartes decides the mind is separate from the body, through logical reasoning and skeptical doubt.
- 2001 - God wins Mega-Ball lottery. Fix suspected.
- 2009 - List of people who steal lists is stolen.
- 2012 - Mexicans win gold, silver, and bronze in Olympic Lawn-mowing.
November 5: Remember, remember, the fifth of November: Explode The Government Day (Britain)
- 1605 - The Parliament building fails to explode.
- 1854 - Anonymous inventor skinned while testing early hydraulic barber chair.
- 1900 - Despite widespread panic and rumors in proposition, Big Ben doesn't explode, but the Prime Minister does.
- 1984 - Despite the Brotherhood's efforts, Big Brother is not wounded in a suicide bombing. Lets thank him for increasing our chocolate to 20 grams!
- 1987 - Margaret Thatcher's imminent Silent But Deadly reaches critical mass and explodes in her intestine.
- 2022 - Some guy wearing a mask in London blows some shit up, rioting doesn't ensue (it's England NOT France)
- 1962 - Rick Astley born (homosexual).
- 1987 - Astley robs a bank and finds himself involved in hopeless gunfight, but vows never to give up. Has idea for song.
- 2007 - the first recorded Rickroll amuses internet uses for 15-20 minutes.
- 2010 - the last recorded Rickroll, performed by your dad.
- 2025 - Kids these days. Don't even know what a Rickroll is.
November 7: Blowjob Appreciation Day, Canada
- 1876 - Gay Canadians invent ice hockey to eliminate the possibility of teeth complicating fellatio.
- 1962 - JFK ends Cuban Missile Crisis by having CIA agents perform blowjobs on everyone.
- 1977 - Linda Lovelace given Freedom of Canada, but is made to do something unspeakable to the airport security.
- 1995 - Quebec "no" in referendum largely attributed to English speakers' blowjob skills.
- 1999 - President Bill Clinton, a native-born Canadian, celebrates his favorite Canadian holiday. Republicans feel left out.
November 8: Erectional Pleasure Day
- 1000000 BC - On the plains of Africa, the Australopithecus encounters an eerie black monolith, and for the first time in history, stands erect. Moments later, with "Also sprach Zarathustra" blaring in the background, the Australopithecus realizes his hands are now free, and begins to experiment with tool use. If you know what I mean.
- 1173 - The leaning tower of Pisa gives the first sign of its famous erectile dysfunction problem.
- 1653 - Taj Mahal, "Man's greatest erection for a woman" built in India.
- 1889 - Eiffel Tower erected, giving pleasure to all Parisians. Rioting ensues.
- 1901 - Washington Monument erected as a reminder to all American men that their penis is more important than diplomacy.
- 2016 - Donald Trump wins the 2016 presidential election, simultaneously making all Republican women across the country erect and making all Democrat women un-erect.
November 9: NWS Day (UK), NSW Day (Wales), NSFW Day (Pornovia)
- 10000 BC - The wheel is invented by some caveman
- 1951 - The day the Earth stood still.
- 1970] - Charles de Gaulle, President of France, passes away. His death is mourned by a solemn moment of waving white flags. Rioting ensues.
- 1989 - The Berlin Wall is closed due to wolves.
- 2001 - The November 9th attacks destroy the World Trade Center in New York City and part of The Pentagon in Washington, D.C., and down a passenger airliner in Pennsylvania. In total, almost 3,000 are killed. But only in the UK and countries that use sensible date conventions.
November 10: Like Yoda, Talk You Should Day
- 1923 - Lenin accidentally ordered to execute 10,000 Russian oligarchs imitating master Yoda with the words "Execute, do not, forgive"
- 1962 - President John F. Kennedy says "The Moon, we choose to go, because it is easy not, but because hard it is."
- 1967 - Mick Jagger states, "To meet you, pleased I am. Guess my name, hope you I."
- 1994 - Quentin Tarantino says, "Pulling in here, when you came, you notice a sign out in front of my house that said Dead Nigger Storage, did?"
- 1998 - President Bill Clinton states "Sexual relations with that woman, I had not"
- 1998 - Britney Spears sings "One more time baby, hit me you shall."
- 2005 - Kanye West declares "Care about black people, George Bush does not."
November 11: First World War Appreciation Day (Commonwealth States)
- 1911 - After four bloody years of battle, the first World War finally comes to an end on November 11, 1911 at twelve minutes past eleven o'clock. FDR took too long in signing the papers and spoiled the symmetry.
- 1914 - Archduke Franz Ferdinand is assassinated in Bosnia. His final words were: "I know I won't be leaving here (with you)." While people are still wondering what the hell he meant,War is declared against France.
- 1914 12:15pm - France surrenders.
- 1918, 13:51pm - France claims its total surrender was a tactical ploy to draw the enemy onto thier battlefield of choice.
- 1918, 13:52pm - Whole world laughs at France for being undeniable pussies.
November 12: Lightning Awareness Day
- 1513 - In one of his lesser known works, "Mein Scheisskampf", Martin Luther claims to have gotten into a battle with the devil, flinging his "Scheisse" as a weapon. No shit.
- 1620 - A number of pirates shipwreck on a gigantic rock off the Massachusetts coast. In a measure to combat cannibalism amongst the surviving members, the Mayflower Compact is signed. In the end, however, nine are eaten with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
- 1775 - American Revolutionary War: The Continental Congress passes a resolution creating two battalions of mimes, later renamed the United States Mime Corps. They are primarily used as human shields.
- 1880 - Ned Kelly is hanged in Australia for beating around the bush.
- 1996 - The Paris Hilton opens for its first customer.
November 13: Quack Like a Duck Day
- 7573 BC - Hermes and Aphrodite have a lovely bouncing boy, Hermaphroditus.
- 832 - Saint Anselm is permabanned from the Vatican for setting fire to the Pope.
- 1972 - Mediocre Britain votes on whether to join the European Community, turnout low, result 6-4.
- 1978 - While starring in an open air production of Shakespeare's Henry V, Sir John Gielgud is carried off by a hunting kingfisher. He is found unharmed some hours later, having tricked the bird into incubating his egg-like head.
- 1990 - The first webcomic is launched, entitled Two Sarcastic Badgers and Some Clipart.
- 2007 - The Gummy Bear™ album gets released in stores much to the exhilaration of a quarter of Earth's population.
November 14: Brobdingnagian word day. Jokes That Don't Make Sense Day in Albanina.
- 1337 - People first come up with the idea of substituting letters with numbers which l00k s1m1lar.
- 1933 - King Kong climbs, humps Statue of Liberty.
- 1998 - Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra marry in Las Vegas, marking the beginning of the ugly bride marries hot bride craze.
- 2006 - You and I got married. I love you honey...
- 2022 - World switches to Metric time. Women with hourglass figures lose value.
November 15: Rock Your Mocs Day
- 1491 - Christopher Columbus arrives at the New World, only to be told that he is a year early.
- 1533 - Francisco Pizarro arrives in Cuzco, Peru. He notices that the iguanas have unusually piercing stares.
- 1683 - War undoubtably raged somewhere in Eastern, Western, Northern, or Southern Europe.
- 1726 - Shenandoah, Chief of the Oneida Indians, invents a new type of footwear, made of deerskin leather stitched into a soft shoe. (Pictured)
- 1727 - A group of unscrupulous Europeans, led by Leon "L. L." Bean, steal the secrets of the moccasin, and send Shenandoah a paltry 1.5% royalty fee for each pair sold.
- 1800 - Napoleon Bonaparte establishes the Fashion Police, and makes it illegal to wear any shoes that are not moccasins.
- 1941 - Heinrich Himmler orders all homosexuals in Germany to be sent to concentration camps: the Wehrmacht, once the most fashionable army in the world, soon find themselves poorly groomed and wearing fatigues that clash with their boots.
- 2001 - Microsoft releases the Xbox: the most popular game, Hi/Lo, is a first person cooking game starring a cyborg known only as the "Master Chef", who must cook meals for an entire ship's crew, using alien cooking implements.
November 16: Feast of Saint Bukkake (Japan)
- 1776 - American Revolutionary War: Hessian mercenaries capture Fort Washington from the Patriots. Startled revolutionaries say, "what the fuck is a Hessian"?
- 1915 - Albert Einstein solves the problem of Uncyclopedia's many inconsistencies and contradictions, which scientists had been trying to solve for centuries. His theory states that in fact space-time is inconsistent, and Uncyclopedia simply follows a geodesic line through it.
- 1960 - Clark Gable passes away. Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.
- 2001 Elmo (pictured) goes on a killing spree, attacking and consuming 23 children attending a Sesame Street convention.
- 2005 - The annual banquet the Feast of Saint Bukkake was cut short after the star of the feast declared "I'm full"!
November 17: International Celebrate Things That Happened On This Day in the Past Day; Bjorksmas (Iceland).
- 1796 - Napoleonic Wars: Battle of Arcole - French forces defeat the Austrians in Italy. Despite the victory, French forces surrender 15 minute later, citing "force of habit".
- 1863 - Siege of Knoxville begins: Confederate forces place Johnny Knoxville under siege; Steve-O manages to escape in a daring skateboard stunt.
- 1871 - The NRA is granted a charter by the state of New York, they celebrate by accidentally shooting people.
- 1970 - Douglas Engelbart receives the patent for the first computer mouse. The revolutionary invention will allow men to search for porn with only one hand.
- 2003 - Arnold Schwarzenegger is inaugurated Governor of California, announces that he intends to cut the state's deficit, improve education, and find a woman named "Sarah Connor".
November 18: Constantly Hum the William Tell Overture Day, World Kool-Aid Day
- 1307 - William Tell (pictured) shoots an apple off his son's head. What they don't tell in the history books is that before this day, Tell had thirteen other children.
- 1626 - Due to an unfortunate typo, St. Peter's Basilica is accidentally desecrated instead of consecrated.
- 1978 - Jonestown incident: In Guyana, Jim Jones leads his People's Temple cult in a mass murder-suicide that claims 918 lives, leading Kool-Aid to revoke their sponsorship of Jones.
- 2001 - The Nintendo GameCube was released. It sells considerably better than the Nintendo Hypercube, which requires users to push buttons in four dimensions.
- 2009 - Spongebob Square pants attempts to try on round pants. The resulting wedgie places him in a 2 month long coma.
November 19: Buy the Turkey Stuffing Day
- 2500 BC - Pharaoh Whahuti invents the phrase 'thank you' and requests the phrase to be planted on every garbage can.
- 461 - St. Hilarius becomes Pope. Ironically, his pontificate turns out to be only mildly amusing.
- 1605 - Puritans get food from Native Americans, then drive them away and take their land in traditional American fashion.
- 1716 - Sir Isaac Newton coins the phrase 'Thanks a lot!'. Unfortunately, it gets no recognition among trash men. Seconds later, he coins the phrase 'What a prick."
- 1942 - Stalingrad: Soviet Union forces under General Zhukov launch the Operation Uranus counterattacks, turning the tide of the battle in the USSR's favor. Stalin radios for information and asks him, "How's Uranus doing?"
November 20: Sophia Day
- 10,000 BC - Sophia, the Greek Goddess of Wisdom, invents boobs, which are like an ass, but on the front this time.
- 500 BC - Greeks invent philosophy, made from the words "philos" meaning love, and "sofia", which means Sophia Loren.
- 403 - The Hagia Sohpia, known for its majestic curves and giant stonking domes, is completed in Constantinople.
- 1917 - World War I: Battle of Cambrai: The Allies make surprise attack on the German Trenches, a young Adolf Hitler is caught jerking off to pictures of sheep at the barracks.
- 1970 - Sophia Loren wins the Academy Award for Best Actress For Life, for a candid home video which was mistakenly submitted to the Academy.
November 21: International Couch Potato Day
- 1783 - Oprah and Shoobily Boobily ze French Guy had the first untethered hot balls flight.
- 1847 - The Great Irish Potato Famine reduces the number of Couch Potatoes in Scotland and Ireland by 25%. Tragically, this results in a global Deep-fried Mars Bar recession.
- 1877 - Thomas Edison announced his invention of the pornograph.
- 1963 - Lee Harvey Oswald gets laid for the last time.
- 1996 - Couch Potato Day is established to encourage nations to collectively sit on their asses watching pointless programs at the same time. Scheduled programs for this day included 100 Ways to Watch Paint Dry, and 20 Things You Didn't Know About Carpet.
November 22: Conspiracy Theory Appreciation Day
- 1955 - The Soviet Union sets off a massive explosion in space, as part of an alleged plot to kill Capitalist Aliens. "They're green for a reason," says Khrushchev.
- 1963 - Absolutely nothing happened. You hear me? Nothing. If you heard otherwise, it's a filthy Communist lie.
- 1968 - Stanley Kubrick begins secret filming of the Moon landing, finds it easier to film on location.
- 1983 - Largest tinfoil hat maker in the U.S. is shut down, just as as a record number of "communications satellites" are sent into orbit by NASA.
- 1987 - Mystery hacker in a Max Headroom mask hijacks television broadcast nationwide, only to reveal it was a guerilla marketing campaign for Ovaltine.
- 1990 - Margaret Thatcher steps down as Prime Minister, as part of a Thatcher-led initiative to remove useless jobs in government.
November 23: Official Lucky Glass Golf Trophy Meets Blonde Girl Who Wins At Golf Day
- 0 - Creation of glass.
- 1871 - Creation of GOLF (Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden).
- 1337 - Creation of 'Lucky Glass Golf Trophy'.
- 1987 - Creation of 'Blonde Girl Who Wins At Golf'.
- 2006 - Presentation ceremony.
November 24: Pete Best's Birthday (UK)
- 1941 - Pete Best is kicked out of mother's womb. Mother auditions George Best as possible replacement in the family.
- 1955 - Learns to play drums. Snares, bass and drumsticks go off and socialize with one another, leaving Best out.
- 1962 - George stares icily at Best during a performance; Paul kicks his drum set during rehearsal; John hires Epstein solely to fire Best.
- 1962 - Best kicked out of the Beatles, house, and UK. Elizabeth II says her kingdom "wants to go in a new direction."
- 1970 - John, Paul, George and Ringo join Best in the "Ex-Beatles" group.
- 2012 - Best celebrates 50th anniversary of Love Me Do release.
November 25: Feel Vague Anxiety Whilst Examining A Tattoo You Got On A Drunken Impulse Day
- 1622 - The toasted sandwich is invented in a joint venture by the Earl of Sandwich and the Duke of Toast.
- 1901 - Ernst Schrödinger, inventor of the Uncertainty Principle, was born on this day. Or was he?
- 1997 - Princess Diana dies in car crash after driver is distracted by the 'I love Charlie' on her right buttock.
- 2006 - Europeans give thanks for the farsighted move of kicking Ayn Rand off their continent.
- 2006 - Rush Limbaugh suffers great embarrassment after an assistant leaks information about his secret tattoo depicting two men engaging in immoral acts.
November 26: Abstinence Rejection Day
- 1800 - Chastity belts effectiveness called into question when inquisitive mind finds 'back way'.
- 1818 - The Republic of Bulimia declares its independence from Spain, rejecting abstinence in favour of a Binge and Purge policy.
- 1971 - Devout Christian Jim Morrison dies a virgin.
- 2005 - Avowed abstinence practitioner Britney Spears gives birth through immaculate conception.
- 2009 - Chastity belts are outlawed and replaced with Chastity lasers.
November 27: Thanksgiving Day (U.S.), Alan Bean Appreciation Day (Moon)
- 1969 - Alan Bean walks on the moon, saying, "This is one stall smep for man, ah fuck!"
- 1970 - Mrs. Bean notices husband is still not back from the Moon, sets up trust fund.
- 1985 - Alan Bean shoots the Challenger Space Shuttle out of the sky; gives a fiendish little shrug when asked why by reporters.
- 1989 - A mutated version of Alan Bean is killed by Russian Cosmonauts.
November 28: Panic Day/Tell-someone-you-know-you-had-sex-with-someone-they-don't day
- 1834 - AAAAAAIIIIEE! Help! We're all going to die!
- 1979 - Don't Panic
- 2000 - Y2K kills the entire planet.
- 2005 - The 113th annual World Autofellatio Championship contest begins. If you have children, panic.
- The Future - Jesus returns to earth with many holo-hookers
- The Future + 1 - Raptor Jesus pokévolves from Your Mom
- The Future + 2 - Jesus meets Raptor Jesus and the universe implodes.
November 29: The Serious and Respected Professional Art of Magic Day
- 1983 - In a publicity stunt gone bad, Christian Pop singer Carman decapitates R&B star Marvin Gaye.
- 1983 - Band Aid release the little known Do The Welsh Know It's Christmas?.
- 1984 - Chocolate rations are increased from thirty to twenty grams.
- 1991 - David Copperfield stuns world by vanishing the Statue of Liberty, reappears three hours later in New Jersey.
- 1993 - The NYPD start investigation against Copperfield after the mysterious disappearance of Queens.
- 2003 - Donald Rumsfeld attempts to find WMDs with divining rod, finds three cursed talismans and a forest dryad instead.
- 2006 - Someone throws a sick party this year, sadly, you wouldn't know anything about that wouldn't you.
November 30: Vandalize Wikipedia Day!
- 1718 - King Charles XII of Sweden dies during an especially brutal lovemaking session with one of his Saracen boytoys.
- 1786 - The Grand Duchy of Tuscany, under Pietro Leopoldo I, bans the inhumane but totally awesome practice of crushing people to death with Elephants.
- 1825 - World's first railway line opens between Stockten and Darlington, England. Rail commuters are left waiting for a train until 1849. British Rail blames immigrants and good weather for the delay.
- 1872 - First ever football (soccer) match ends in 0-0 draw; people inexplicably decide to keep playing anyway.
- 1947 - Civil war in Palestine begins, leading to the worst case of Jews stealing your land since my house was taken in the divorce. Fuck you Nicole.
- 1966 - Barbados becomes independent from the United Kingdom, never liked barbados anyway ;_; texts the UK.
- 1982 - Michael Jackson's second solo album, Thriller is released worldwide. Jackson uses money from record sales to buy himself a new nose.
- 2000 - Owen624 becomes the first vandal on Wikipedia. He is afterwards accepted as the first soul to enter heaven when he dies the next year from cancer.
December 1: Sherlock Holmes Day
- 2 - Advent calendars invented. In pre-chocolate Eurasia, children open doors to reveal grains of sand.
- 1887 - Sherlock Holmes appears for the first time in a dazzling sheer white silk tafetta evening gown, creating an instant sensation throughout the Victorian world.
- 1891 - Holmes is killed by Professor Moriarty, brought back three years later in "Arthur Conan Doyle Needs Money."
- 1897 - Holmes disappears over Switzerland's Reichenbach Falls, only to reappear three years later on the northern shoals of Lake Lugano as a giant squid.
December 2: International Boring Nordic Culture Heritage Day
- 6000 BC - Mankind born from the toil of an ice giant melting into the ocean.
- 227 AD - Freyja starts a new line of Herbal soaps (Pictured) for all the smelly warriors living in Fólkvangr. Odin is unimpressed.
- 432 - Thor gets arrested in Valhalla after being accused of destroying an orphanage while driving a chariot under the influence. Embarrassed, the Nordic people convert to Christianity.
- 900 - Vik the Vinegar, a Viking explorer and real estate agent, discovers a big block of ice utterly unsuitable for human life. He gives it the name Greenland to attract customers.
- 1000 - Explorer and murderer Leif Erikson discovers America, but realizes his mistake in time and lets Columbus and Vespucci have all the blame.
- 2014 - Dylan Sprouse of Suite Life and Suite Life on Deck fame converts to Odinism and opens up a meadery in New York.
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- AAAA - AAA AAAAAAA AAAAA AA AAAAAAA AA AAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAA AAAAAAAAA AAAAA AAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAA AAA
- AAAA - AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA. AAA AAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAA AAA.
- AAAA - AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA A AAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAA, A AAAAAAA AAAA AAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
- AAAA - AA. A AAAAAA AAA AAA; AAAA AAAAAA AAAAAA A AAAA AAAAAA.
- AAAA - AAAA AAAAAAA AAAA AAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAA.
December 4: e-nternashonal Badt Ingrish Daiye
- 1999 BC - l337 5p3ak 15 kr34t3d
- 1776 - Da You-S de-feat Ingrand een Teh Wor off Eendie pen dance
- 1918 - Wootroow Weelsoon, taht vas zum presidant zum der Ooonitid Steeeets, goeing tu Verseis en sa-id sheep too speek off piss toks vith teh kontrees, hoo fuight en WWW1.
- 1993 - FR4NK 24PP4 dooes.
- 1999 - Sum idyot furst zpealls "owned" vronglee ass "pwned"
- 2006 - Und Jeebus sayd undo da poepple, "Whoom doo yoo tink eye am?", und da poepple repped, "You are the exhiological replication of our being, the vast immiturication of a higher homosapianism, the essence of zoology.", und Jeebuz sez, "Eh?"
December 5: Unwanted Advertising Day (U.S.)
- 1897 - Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, and he wants you to listen to Adele's brand new album, ready for the holiday season! Her lung noises make you feel sad, give her money!
- 1922 - The Coca-Cola Company debuts its famous Polar Bear mascot for the holiday season! The crisp, refreshing taste of our caramelized fizz water attracts even vicious arctic predators!
- 1998 - 100 billionth e-mail with subject line "Viagra is food for the soul" opened: Sponsored by Viagra: Penis Yours Big Penis Women Fuck™.
- 1970 - British funny-makers who are very popular with 18 to 34 year old internet income dispensers make funny skit about SPAM®! What a funny sketch! Spammity-spam! Hilarity! Buy our products.
- 2009 - Famous Chihuahua mascot of Tex-Mex food-service provider Taco Bell, Gidget, dies after one too many lines of cocaine. The fame went to his head! Commemorate this tragedy by buying one of our Doritos Locos Tacos (in cool ranch or fiery red spicy)!
- 2012 - Everyone decides that it's okay to put Twitter hashtags on commercials. Is this who we are as a species? Is this the reason why God has condemned use to die?
December 6: International Day of the Jackal, Take Your Pants Off for Cancer Day (Utah, observed), Indifference Day (Finland), National Public Pooping Day (Denmark)
- 1901 - Chicago woman gives birth to Walt Disney, who immediately sues her for copyright infringement.
- 1935 - First known accusation of pedophilia made against Woody Allen when he is caught staring at a hot Asian infant in the next crib.
- 1969 - Neil Armstrong becomes the first man to play Calvinball on the Moon, outsmarting opponent and fellow astronaut Buzz Aldrin by chanting an immunity poem and planting his flag, automatically earning himself 144 Elephant gnuts and claiming the Rank of "Duke of Ham Sandwich".
- 1975 - William Herbert explains Reimann symmetry in a quasi-formatic manifold to sea lions at a Dutch park.
- 1982 - A man from Denmark refuses to stop shitting in the carnival rides. Twenty-seven hour police standoff occurs.
- 2010 – Bruce Willis is declared legally bald.
December 7: Official Who The Hell Is Spartacus Day
- 73 BC - Romans (pictured) attempt to figure out who the hell Spartacus is. Little did they know that I'm Spartacus.
- 1555 - The search for Spartacus continues.
- 1911 - Elephants were banned from King George and Queen Mary's parade in india. This may have something to do with it.
- 1931 - Henry Ford makes some important decisions, but he is not Sparticus.
- 1941 - The movie Pearl Harbor reminds us that women who recently lost their husbands at war will often turn to his brother.
- 1982 - Mr T (not pictured) claims in his autobiography "Pity the Fool" that he was Spartacus. Historians refute this claim.
- 1987 - Mikhail Gorbachev and Ronald Reagan get together for mani-pedis.
- 2005 - Uncyclopedia becomes littered with Spartacus jokes.
December 8: Llamas Against Chinese day/ The Death of Metal
- 1000 BCE - A little Chinese Prince was holidaying in Tibet. Whilst he was innocently trying to feed a local Llama some grain it viciously bit him. And so began countless millenniums of conflict.
- 1231 - The Dalai Llama seduces Chinese king, but after they'd been going steady for a couple of months the Llama cheats on him with Kubla Khan. Chinese king calls the Llama a slut and finds a less attractive rebound girlfriend and cries himself to sleep for a month.
- 1567- The Dalai Llama tells all the other Central Asian leaders that the Chinese King is gay.
- 1911 - Llama tells Sun Yat-sen and Yuan Shikai that the Chinese Emperor said that their mothers were terrible cooks.
- 1931 - Llama mentions to Emperor Hirohito that China is pretty shit and that he might as well go in and take over. Then he whispered quietly in the Emperor's ear that if any Japanese are looking for easy women Nanking is the place.
December 9:
- 1337 - Time for a plagarized, boring, cliched, 1337 reference! L0L!!1!ONE@
- 1946 - The Doctors' Trial (for crimes committed during episodes of Doctor Who), begins at the BBC.
- 1958 - The John Birch Society is founded to fight the perceived threat of certain types of trees.
- 1967 - Canada invades Greenland, prompting what most historians regard as the most boring war in the history of mankind.
- 1976 - The CIA fabricates much of the Western United States from Balsa wood and duct tape.
- 1982 - December 8 outstays welcome.
December 10: Nobel Prize Awards Day
- 1901 - The Nobel Prize for Having Died is awarded to Swedish chemist and industrialist Alfred Nobel, for having died on this day in 1896.
- 1936 - The Nobel Prize for Abdicating the Throne is awarded to Edward VIII, for being the only British monarch to voluntarily relinquish the throne.
- 1945 - Nobel Prize for Killing People is controversially awarded to Joseph Stalin, sparking a split in the Nobel committee between pro-gulag and pro-holocaust members.
- 1997 - Nobel Prize for Cynicism is awarded, yet again, to some guy who only won it because he is friends with the voting elite.
- 2004 - The Nobel Prize in Procrastination will be awarded soon. Really. Just give me five seconds, okay?
- 2004 - Encyclopedia Dramatica enters its pitiful existence, quickly degenerating into a forum for unfunny revenge attempts by butthurt individuals of every description -- bigots, banned website users, trolling victims, failed trolls, and virgins rejected by hot girls.
- 2019 - The Nobel Prize in Causing People to Buy Large Quantities of Toilet Paper, Causing a Self-Fulfilling Prophecy is awarded to a seafood merchant working at a Chinese market notable for being the possible birthplace of COVID-19.
- 1229 - Pope Gregory IX deletes thirty-one days from the Gregorian calendar, during a Florentine siege of Rome that had prevented toiletries from entering the city.
- 1841 - Oscar Wilde imprisoned for practicing heterosexuality in England without a Royal permit, a capital offense.
- 1941 - Germany and Italy celebrate for the first and last time "Let's Go To War With Russia Day." Italians and Germans regret this decision by 1945.
- 1941 - Mao Zedong suggests to rename "Chinese demographic boom" to "Yelow bang". Due to unpopularity of this idea among his generals, all of them were executed.
- 1953 - Trans-dimensional squirrels attempt a coup on the Kremlin but are driven back after the Soviets break wind in unison, creating a tear in the fabric of the universe into which the invaders are obliterated, nuts and all.
- 1983 - A passenger airlines goes Boom over the South China Sea. Only the pilots and hostesses survive after they are seen moments before the explosion floating in a rubber dingy thousands of miles below. Thank you for flying AirChina.
- 2005 - Face of Oscar Wilde is seen in a frozen pizza
- 2009 - All forms of international combat are banned by the UN. From this point on, international disputes are decided by caged death matches between the leaders of conflicting nations.
- 2009 - Annual 'Try Communism Day' is celebrated by the people of Lancashire
- 2010 - Lancashire appoints Ted Dansen as Director of the Communist Party
- 2011 - President Ted Stevens brutally beats Hu Jintao to death in a cage match, completing his domination and conquest of every country on Earth. Ban of weaponry two years earlier regarded as "a mistake" by most UN officials not already killed by Ted Stevens.
- 2012 - The Uncyclopedia website announced that it was the 11th November.
December 12: Unfunny Joke Day (US) Wooly Animal Molestation Day (Wales)
- 1594 - Pickle loaf first made with dill dough.
- 1806 - Napoleon keeps his armies up his sleevies - a French word for chocolates.
- 1862 - Three baby seals walk into a club.
- 1900 - A minister, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar.
- 1901 - Not learning their lesson, the same minister, priest and rabbi walk into a bar, knocking their heads. .
- 1929 - As a year, was really long and hard. That's what she said.
- 1933 - Hitler ties his shoes with little Nazis.
- 1945 - Joshua Ben Cohen discovers that finding half a worm in an apple is actually preferable to being a prisoner in Auschwitz.
- 1957 - Farmer Frank Peters in Kentuckistan leaves his gate open long enough for one of his chickens to cross the road.
- 1962 - Larry, a dog from Indiana, loses his nose when it is attacked by some drunk teenagers. Disgusted by his dog's hideous injury and not having enough money to pay a vet, the owner releases the injured dog into a forest on the other side of the state. After a few days of being fly-blown and delirous with pain, the dog begins to smell badly.
- 1964 - Researchers for the American Horror Book Readers Organization discover that many "Ghost Writers" are employed to write tales that involve ghosts. There is much laughter all round at the irony of this fact.
- 1965 - A boy takes a ruler with him to bed to see how long he slept. When he awakes, Leonid Breznev, the General secretary of the Soviet Communist Party, hits his stopwatch and informs him that he slept for 9 hours and 35 minutes. He also tells the boy that there are easier ways of finding out these facts and to please not call him again.
- 1966 - Not learning his lesson, the boy takes a saddle to bed, in case he has nightmares. He is sent to a gulag.
- 1981 - AIDS is unleashed upon the world by Jesus.
- 1984 - A baker robs a bank because he needed the dough - which he was able to steal from the lunch room which had its own bread maker, owned by a number of staff members who loved to eat fresh bread at lunch time.
- 1986 - So this guy comes into a bar, AW CRAP, sorry I said that wrong, it was suppose to be a donkey.....So this guy comes into a Donkey.
- 1987 - 3 men walk into a bar, one of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole joke plays out with a tedious inevitability
- 2002 - I hold a bukkake party, but nobody comes.
- 2003 - A man has the left side of his body amputated. He's alright now.
- 2004 - A clown is removed from a swing by hitting him in the face with an axe.
- 2005 - Uncyclopedia is created.
- 2005 the Third - In Soviet Russia, unfunny jokes don't laugh at YOU.
- 2012 - The month, year and day are the same number for the last time in the century.
December 13: International That Guy Day, Speak with a British Accent Day (UK)
- 10000 BC - Ug Nug Fug Nug is born, the famous musician responsible for the creation of the violin and other various sexually orentated musical instruments (ie the sexualin).
- 1067 - William the Conqueror invades the previously uninvaded British Aisles.
- 1732 - The Royal Opera House opens at Covent Garden, London. Screaming bitches heard from miles around, causes widespread riots.
- 1808 - Count Henrich von Flammenweffer invents Lava as a way of preventing skiers from taking over his favourite mountains in the winter.
- 1939 - Adolf Hitler invents oral sex and asks his enemies to blow him.
- 1940 - The French blow Adolf Hitler.
- 1942 - No people born on December the 13th, due to National No-Birthdays day. Experts attribute this phenomenon as having to do with a worldwide feeling of "I don't feel like getting any ass today" in mid March.
- 1992 - Bob like pie
- 1992 - Someone actually ate my shorts.
- 2002 - Fraidai the 13th, Satan renamed Hell to "Bloody Hell"
- 2003 - Former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein found hiding in a camel hole during Operation Bomb-The-Towel-Headed-Sand-Brigand, and captured.
- 2003 - SARS becomes the new iPod.
- 2005 - On the twelfth day of Christmas, My true love gave to me, A summons from the local JP...
- 2008 - Uncyclopedia was teleported into an alternate universe where this sentence did not exist. It was returned to normal just now.
- 2012 - Dyslexic people celebrate that the world didn't end with the Mayan calendar yesterday. Everyone else still nervous.
- Today - That guy realizes that this is the only one about him even though it's his day and gets really really mad.
December 14: World Cliché Day
- Long Long Ago - Some French guy misplaced his patent for creating the English language.
- 1735 - Pie was discovered
- 1911 - Welsh explorer Roald Dahl and his team become the first people to reach the Giant Peach.
- 1929 - Hitler realizes he has very little time to finish his Christmas shopping, and subsequently freaks out while in line at Wal-Mart. Chaos ensues.
- 1991 - Scientists first start working on Packaged Bread Without Crust™. For the next 10 years they will go to countless parties with other scientists and feel like they are working to find the cure for cancer.
- 1992 - It was discovered that Bart Simpson ate my shorts.
- 2000 - George W. Bush receives his first gay blowjob. In return for the favor, George W. Bush and his government maintain a very friendly line towards homosexuals.
- 2001 - 10 years in the making, Packaged Bread Without Crust™ is finally introduced as a prototype to the Bimbo company.
- 2004 The Kitten army begins to prepare for their mass masturbation strike for 25 December during the Human vs. Kitten War. Strike kills 250,000+ humans.
- 2004 Post it notes claimed another victim in Paris. Rioting ensues. The PostIt-note war began.
- Today - The first day of the rest of your life.
- Tomorrow - Another day.
- The Day After Tomorrow - It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)
- 2101 War was beginning...
December 15: International Day of Björk (Iceland)
- 1939 - Classic movie Gone With the Wind first premieres as a travelling flipbook exhibition.
- 1945 - General Douglas MacArthur orders the Japanese to stop using those weird toilets with the tubes that spray water up your butt.
- 1978 - After the United States recognizes the People's Republic of China as the real China, Taiwan sinks into the sea.
- 1981 - The first suicide bombing is carried out in Beirut, Lebanon, declared a revolution in the terroristic arts.
- 1996 - Weirdo sends Björk (Pictured) a letter bomb after his copy of Homogenic is lost in the mail.
- 1970 - Soviet space probe lands on Venus, is declared the new "red planet."
- 1973 - The American Psychiatric Association adds "likes the taste of creamed corn" to list of debilitating mental illnesses.
- 2011 - Morphle is created by a man from The Slenderlands
December 16: Fun With Typos Day
- 785 - The Knights of the Round Tablet go in search of the Holy Grail. They fail to exit the bottle, which is child-proofed.
- 1453 - The Hundred Rear War ends after the French agree to stop mooning British monarchs.
- 1982 - South Africa ends its fan on interracial marriages, replaces it with an air conditioner.
- 1983 - United Airlines Pilots go on trike for twenty-nine days, are later treated for head injuries after not wearing their helmets.
- 1985 - In Ukraine, one of the reactors at the Chernobyl Unclear Plant explodes, disaster blamed on lack of transparency.
- 1986 - The Soviet Union launches the Bir space station. Vodka distillers complain.
December 17: Sea Turtles Choking on Star Wars Memorabilia Day
- 1862 - General Ulysses S. Grant orders the expulsion of all Jews from Mississippi, Tennessee and Kentucky. Both Jews are upset.
- 1918 - One thousand workers march on Government House in Darwin, Australia after being given spoiled vegemite.
- 1988 - Fatwā issued against Salman Rushdie after cameo in Bridget Jones's Diary.
- 1989 - First episode of hit animated sitcom The Simpsons, "Please Cancel After 8 to 10 Seasons", airs.
- 2002 - First sea turtle to choke on Star Wars garbage (Pictured) is honored on opening crawl in Attack of the Clones.
- 2010 - Tunisian kebab vendor Mohamed Bouazizi sets himself on fire after a promotional stunt gone wrong.
December 18: Suicidal Ideation Day
- 1271 - Genghis Khan renames local Chinese dish to Mongolian beef to secure his civilization's cultural legacy.
- 1892 - Tchaikovsky's The Nutcracker premieres to a disappointed audience of dominatrices.
- 2005 - Civil War breaks out in Chad after a chronic whey powder shortage.
- 2005 - John Spencer, actor from The West Wing, smirks his last smirk after suffering a massive heart failure.
- 2006 - Saudi Arabia holds its first election to decide best system of governance: repressive Islamist theocratic monarchy wins by landslide!
- 2015 - The last coal mine in Great Britain closes, unemployed coal miners find jobs in broadcasting with their communication degrees.
- 2025 - Honestly, why do you even bother doing this? (Pictured)
December 19: Shit! I Forgot to Pick My Blueberries! Day
- 1714 - Shit, are those my blueberries? I could've sworn I picked those way back in August.
- 1936 - Jesus Fuck. I was supposed to pick those blueberries (Pictured) months ago!
- 1984 - Fuck me. I always forget about those fucking blueberries. I even set a fucking alarm. Fuck, why does this shit always happen to me.
- 2004 - These blueberries are frozen solid. They're like ice now. Completely inedible.
- 2009 - Even if I thaw it out it's gonna taste like freezer burned limes. I might as well just throw it out.
- 2014 - Sometimes I wonder why I even bother.
- 2017 - Maybe I should go back to trade school, maybe I wouldn't need to worry about blueberries no more.
December 20: "Oh yeah?! You goin' down!" Day (New Jersey), Blueberry Harvest Season officially ends (you missed it)
- 4,000,000 BC - Trash talking is invented by caveman. First insult is samallhuuuuell1!!(I'm a kick the shit out of yo potatoes!!)
- 1800 - Evidence comes to light that The Battle of Gillygillyossenfefferkatzenellenbogen-by-the-sea actually took place just outside Gillygillyossenfefferkatzenellenbogen-by-the-sea.
- 1803 - Napoleon annexes St.Louisiana, taking it over from the America. He defends it by making a pact with the unpredictable Llama Jesus, now proven to be very much alive and roaming the swamp around Florida.
- 1860 - South Carolina secedes from the United States, marking the official end of the Blueberry Harvest Festival (and also leading to the American Civil War).
- 1931 - Terrell Owens, Godzilla, Crazy Frog, Vanilla Ice, Millard Fillmore, and Vin Diesel form The Legion of Doom, and celebrate by stealing a nigga's bike.
- 1977 - Kitten Huffing deemed a breach of Human Rights.
- 1982 - American-Welsh War of 1982 begins in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogoch.
December 21: Personal Hygiene Day
- 678 BC - Sodomy discovered in Greece.
- 677 BC - Death penalty instituted in Greece.
- 631 BC - The War of 1812 ends.
- 521 BC - Two slightly inebriated Mayans and a French guy come up with an ingenious way to scare the shit out of the future population of the Earth by the means of a calendar.
- 477 BC - Stinky Greek hobo Socrates roams the streets of fudge packing Athens, claiming he knows nothing. As a result, the goofy Greeks regard him as the greatest sage that ever lived.
- 322 BC - Megalo-maniac Alexander the Great turns out to be a regular fag. In a letter to Aristotle, he confesses that the smell of male toil 'turns him on'.
- 10 BC - Roman emporer Politemus IV invents the square wheel. Round wheels were outlawed under pain of death.
- 1500 - Middle Ages officially end; Europeans can finally start taking care of their personal hygiene little by little.
- 1939 Hitler invades France. After realising he would never make them wash he turned toward Russia
- 1967 The interrobang is discovered. The horrible revelation drives its discoverer instantly insane.
- 1979 Star Wars Episode XXXIV: The rising of Darth Leia comes to theaters
- 1982 - Sudan wins "Least Hygienic Country In The World Competition" for the first time. The African country has held the title ever since.
- 1984 - The first horseman of the apocalypse descended to herald the coming tribulations, but no one noticed apart from John Greeves, a homeless alcoholic from Brighton, England.
- 2000 - The bearded Taliban commanders state personal hygiene is against the will of God; in Afghanistan, pretty much the worst place ever.
- 2001 - UK prime minister Tony Blair is voted "Best Looking Twat" by the readers of Womans Realm magazine.
- 2004 - Barry Scott surpasses Batman as the Queen of Clean with Clitoris Bang.
- 2005 - Bermuda Triangle mysteriously disappears.
- 2006 - Personal hygiene forced upon France by new EU ruling. The French promptly withdraw from the EU. All traces of the bathtub are destroyed and the french quickly return to smelling of bad cheese and garlic. Celebratory riots last into the new year
- 2007 - Man discovers that the white stuff on your tongue causes your breath to smell like shit. The Government promptly forces everone to brush their tongues.
- 2012 - World Ends only to be repopulated seconds later.
- 2017 - Saw XVI is a deathday movie which kills anyone who watches
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December 22: Dead Meme Appreciation Day
- 5000 BC(ish) - God plans to make perfect woman from an arm and a leg, Adam says "What can ya do with a rib?"
- 600 BC - YHWH creates woman - twice
- 0000 - The Blessed Mother Mary's contractions begin
- 1000 - Spaghetti Monster creates sex.
- 1231 - God creates Vaginal cancer to spite Spaghetti Monster.
- 1337 - Counter-Strike is invented
- 1589 - Japan announces the release of the Hello Kitty Vibrator.
- 1666 - Manhattan is sold to the Knicks for 24 virgins, an extreme rarity in the area. They immediately re-sell it to Donald Trump.
- 1923 - LSD is first manufactured, diarrhea of epic solar proportions ensues.
- 1933 - William Butler Yeats is found dead in a bear cage at the local zoo.
- 1954 - Film Actors Guild (FAG) is founded
- 1974 - Gay men blame women for AIDS.
- 1989 - The end of the world as we know it. Surprisingly, most people are either indifferent or quite fine about the whole thing.
- 1989 - Pixies send Monkeys to Heaven, Anthony gives Cleopatra a crate of brown ale.
- 1991 - Man loses his religion, but later finds he left it in the corner, silly man.
- 2005 - Pussy flavored ice cream invented.
- 2006 - World peace declared.
- 2007 - England nukes Wales. Nobody cares.
- 2012 - Everyone realizes they're not dead.
- 3434 - Vin Diesel is cloned from one of his last remaining pubic hairs, discovered in Margaret Thatcher's vagina.
- 5000 - Science descovers a "female orgasm", she was faking...
- 2111 - New form of moe discovered, turns out to be the same kind of popular moe anime at the time, but with more robotic titties.
- 1402 - Frank Constanza invents Festivus, "a holiday for the rest of us."
- 1888 - Dutch painter Vincent van Gogh cuts off part of his left ear, sells it on eBay for three times the list price.
- 1938 - Immigrants from the Old Country bring over the Festivus Pole (Pictured) to America, get rid of the tinsel as it's "too distracting."
- 1954 - The first successful piano transplant is performed, following failed attempts on organs and harpsichords.
- 1970 - Ted Cruz molts for the first time! He eats the scaly residue for sustenance.
- 2000 - Competing holiday Christmas Eve Eve gets laughed off the room by good, correct people.
- 2006 - Your uncle makes a scene during the Airing of Grievances, makes the rest of the day awkward.
- 2007 - You and Your mom duke it out in the Feats of Strength. Your Mom promptly beats your ass.
December 24: The Day Before the Day After Christmas Eve
- 4 AD - Some smelly Middle-eastern refugee takes shelter in a poo-littered barn, gives birth to an anchor baby.
- 1877 - Christmas Island is discovered and named "Christmas Island", to the surprise of the Christmas Islanders.
- 1814 - The U.S. and the U.K. sign the Treaty of Ghent, ending the War of 1812, after the two sides discovered that it was in fact 1814.
- 1914 - During WWI, German and British troops take a break from murdering each other to celebrate another year of shitting in trenches and dying of diptheria.
- 1945 - Five children disappear in a West Virginia house fire: their remains are later found and used as crass Halloween decorations.
- 1968 - The crew of Apollo 8, the first mission to orbit the Moon, realize they left their presents back on Earth.
December 25: I wish it could be Christmas everyday!
- 4 AD - The Blessed St. Mary the Virgin, Mother of God decides not to chuck her slimy bastard infant into the nearest pile of hay.
- 336 - Everyone who isn't a Jew or a dirty heathen collectively decides to celebrate the birthday of a weird Jewish cultist. Now we decorate trees in his name.
- 935 - Wenceslaus I, Duke of Bohemia Bohemia dies of acute hypothermia while drunk outside during a blizzard, titular song invented to save face.
- 1892 - A young child from Wichita, Kansas, actually gets a partridge in a pear tree for Christmas. Child distraught since he wanted a PS4.
- 1963 - African-Americans, angry at the song I'm Dreaming of a Whites-Only Christmas create their own holiday, Kwanzaa.
- 1976 - Santa Claus gets laid for the first time. He is later shot down with a surface-to-air missile.
- 1984 - ACLU lawyers successfully petition advertisers to start calling Christmas, The Holiday Season.
- 1990 - After months of violent protests, children of Atheist couples finally get Christmas presents. Jesus still hates their guts, though.
December 26: Packaging Day/ Useless office memorandum day / The one day women poop. It smells like roses. International Go to the Pub all afternoon and Have a row with the Missus Day
- The 3rd day of creation - God creates the useless memorandum
- 0 - Rudolph catches everlasting cold after night out, condemned to permanent red nose.
- 17 - Jesus recovers from a "wicked birthday hangover" and cleans up the house before his parents get home.
- 35 - Stephen the Protomartyr gets stoned off his ass.
- 931 - Good King Wenceslas looked out, on the Feast of Stephen; when the snow lay round about, deep and crisp and even;
- 2002 - Last recorded Vowel movement for God. In an indirect response to this anniversary, God decides to take out His frustration on His rich children every year after-wizard.
- 2003 - Devastating spongecake in Ham because they owned too many fairy cakes, and Bob makes them play.
- 2004 - Realising he has nothing to bitch about Bob Geldoff creates devastating Tsunami.
- 2004 - Devastating toffee in Southeast Asia because they owned too many fudges, and Bob makes them play.
- 2004 - The idea for Deal or No Deal created on Boxing Day after Noel Edmonds was trapped in a box, the producer of the show opening it and gasping, before thinking 'hey, why don't we do that with something valuable in the boxes?'
- 2005 - Devastating jam tarts in Central America because they owned too many biscuits, and Bob makes them play.
- 2006 - Devastating shelves falling over in Iceland because they owned too many products, and some hooligans tipped them over.
- 2007 - Mars destroyed during the War of the Worlds, because there were too many martians and God ran out of ways to make them pay, but the bacteria killed them.
- 2008 - Mars destroyed bacause the Bible has no recorded evidence of Martians, and God makes it pay.
- 2009 - Devastating red hole wipes out universe, and God makes no two pay.
- 2010 - Devastating white hole wipes out red hole, and God makes no one pay.
- 2011 - Devastating white hole wipes out God, leaving no one to make no one pay.
- 6325 - Despite the discovery of the lost pelvis of Richard Belzer, our world still sucks.
December 27: National Anniversary Day, Invention of the Artificial Vagina, International Last Thursday of the Year Day
- 42 - 9th anniversary of the first anniversary.
- 1831 - Charles Darwin boards the HMS Beagle, and begins his lifelong mission to undermine God and all that is decent.
- 1954 - Nikita Khrushchev is promptly "dealt with" by the KGB. Long live the glorious Soviet Union!
- 1969 - Boxing Day causes many deaths from internal bleeding as its meaning is misinterpreted.
- 1990 - World Peace War declared on UNO by UNO members
- 1999 - Eye losht thie annyoual seplling be tanks two thie vord anywarsary.
- 2004 - Deciding that he does like Mondays, Chuck Norris kicks Bob Geldoff into tomorrow
- 2005 - 5th anniversary of the universe exploding violently.
- 2007 - Major cleanup after Boxes from Boxing day wipeout half the human population.
- 2008 - King Kong does Eeyore in the honey tree, Donkey Kong is born!
- 2009 - People discover what boxing day is actually about, it is promptly canceled.
December 28: Penis Appreciation Day (Not Lesbos), Day of the Not-so-Innocents (Spain, Portugal, South America)
- 23 - Penis apreciation day invented by Jesus. Not realising his mate Judas and the entire roman army was less well hung he would regret it one day.
- 1963 - Paul Hindemith's pancreas explode, killing him a second time and 36 others a first time as he flew over Lakewurst, New Jersey. The music community rejoices once more.
- 1969 - Santa Claus' funeral is held. Millions mourn.
- 2004 - Deciding they also liked Mondays superheroes planned a combined assault on Bob Geldoff. After an hour of the Hoff's singing and Mr T's pittying the devastating blow came when Darth Vader told Geldoff who his father was. This caused him to spontaneously combust all over Pauline Fowlers scowl.
- 2006 - Uncyclopedians lose count at the sheer number of anniversaries with Penises in them.
- 2007 - World economy goes into meltdown as penis appreciation day lasts until August 15th 2008. This only ends when lesbians attempt to seize control of the earth. Millions would die in the conflict
- 2009 - It is rumoured that Bob geldoff will return to fight the final battle between good and evil one day. The Vatican, the CIA and Micheal Stipe all deny this.
- 2072 - America elects its new Emperor, The Noid.
December 29: National Russian Reversal Day
- 1348 - In Soviet Russia, anti-Semitic mob kills JEW!!
- 1926 - In Soviet Russia, television watches YOU!!
- 1945 - In Soviet Russia, World War II wins YOU!!
- 1955 - In Soviet Russia, married can get YOU!!
- 1956 - In Soviet Russia, the law has equal rights under YOU!!
- 1969 - In Soviet Russia, moon lands on YOU!!
- 1982 - In Soviet Russia, the last recorded bowel movement has YOU!!
- 2000 - In Soviet Russia, Y2K bugs YOU!!
- 2004 - In Soviet Russia, idiot reelects YOU!!
- 2112 - In Soviet Russia, control assumes YOU!!
December 30: Last Chance To Do All The Things You Wanted To Do This Year Day
- 4004 BC - God remembers to create the Earth. Oh, and everything else, too. Except for sliced bread.
- 4 BC - Emperor Augustus remembers he was gonna have a census this year! Having missed his opportunity, he proclaims, "Let there be a day upon which all things previously contemplated throughout the last year finally be at once accomplished! Except for tomorrow. But shhhh!" Thus, the "Last Chance To Do All The Things You Wanted To Do This Year Day" was inaugurated.
- 1037 - King Arthur loses the holy grail to Nigerian timeshare scammers, crusades ensue.
- 1999 - Procrastinators think about preparing for the Y2K bug, but put it off until December 31.
- 2002 - Saddam Hussein realises he forgot to send George Bush a Christmas card.
- 2004 - Weren't we gonna start a parady of wickerpedialyte? Yeah? Shit! Better luck next year.
- 2005 - Forget it! If it ain't done, wait 'til next year.
- 2006 - Saddam Hussein executed for forgetting to send Bush a Christmas card. Again.
- 2012 - The Mayans remember to end the world with a BANG!
December 31: Fuck, What Did I Do This Whole Fucking Year? Day
- 2000 BC - The Ancient Sumerians are the first to observe the New Year as a way to celebrate their slowly impending deaths.
- 1788 - The Scottish convince the world they need to sing at New Year's Eve at midnight, write a song whose lyrics are completely unpronounceable.
- 1900 - The first glowing ball thing that drop when the year ends is invented, initially as a terrorist plot by Irish extremists.
- 2010 - Manufacturers of those novelty glasses shaped like the number of the year start to worry.
- 2017 - Novelty glasses makers give up and just make normal glasses with the years put on top like a bunch of fucking cowards.
- 2025 - You think to yourself: next year's gonna be the year I get my shit together, I'm gonna lose 10 pounds, quit drinking, start opening up to people...
- 2026 - It's a year later, and yet another year has come and gone with nothing to show for it. Maybe next year...