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[Insert clever alt text here]

February 1: [Insert Holiday Here]

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February 2: Upside Down Day

*synth arpeggios*

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If a groundhog sees its shadows, it's DTF

February 3: Fuck a Groundhog Day

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Imma fish bitch blub blub motherfucker.

February 4: Nobody Does Anything Interesting Day

  • 220 AD - Emperor Cao Cao of the Han Dynasty, knowing the end is near, has the imperial chef make him his favorite sandwich.
  • 1142 - Starving peasants in medieval Germany continue to starve.
  • 1877 - Charles Dickens has severe constipation, contemplates going to the doctor.
  • 1943 - Hitler finds some time out of his day to play with his dog Blondi.
  • 1968 - Lyndon B. Johnson drinks some really bad coffee, tells his wife.
  • 1977 - Eric Clapton orders a tuna sandwich from the deli but is given egg salad instead, doesn't notice until he gets home.
  • 2004 - Mark Zuckerberg invents the Facebook status, now people can be uninteresting whenever they want.
  • 2008 - Parliament forces non-electric cars to drive in a place that is not in London.
  • 2017 - Mike in HR spreads butter on a burnt piece of toast on purpose. Many speculate him to be completely batshit insane.

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February 5: Peyton Manning Does Everything Day

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February 6: Nihilism Day

  • 1489 - Nothing truly happens, for life is bereft of all meaning.
  • 1555 - What is even "meaning"? But a futile attempt to give essence to what is without it?
  • 1644 - We are but things, mere atoms, floating in a miasma of angst, seeking out pain to fill a never-ending hole. A hole... of pain.
  • 1709 - Where is God? He is nowhere. A marketing gimmick by the, uhh, bead companies, to sell beads.
  • 1882 - You know what else is bereft of meaning? Family court. Family court, yet another "institution" meant to bring order in an order-less world.
  • 1905 - Rachel! Let me see the kids! Goddamnit Rachel I can't even see their faces!!! You whore!!! Rachel!!!
  • 1941 - Just the weekends, Rachel, please, just the weekends...

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I can see a worm there.

February 7: Shit! I Forgot My Lines... Day

  • 1599 - Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio, a man of uhh, shit. Line. Line, I need the—
  • 1600 - A man of Infinite Jest. Of most excellent fancy. Wait, asshole.
  • 1601 - Yeah, got it. Ahem. I knew him Horatio, a man of infinite jest. Of most fancy—Fuck—of most excellent fancy.
  • 1602 - If this happens on the night we'll just use the alternate.
  • 1603 - How about you go fuck yourself, I'm the artist around here, you just tell people where to move on stage.
  • 1604 - Whatever, Kenneth Branagh, you do whatever you fucking want.
  • 1605 - I don't need you, nobody needs you, I'll make my own fucking lines. I'm the fucking bard. Motherfucker.

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You can pick your Queen, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your Queen's nose.

February 8: Royals Named Elizabeth Day

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He did *what* in 1990!?

February 9: International Tourette's Day

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Fig. 1

February 10: International Bad Pun Day

  • 1104 - Potato famine engulfs Ireland, panhandling leprechauns flood the cities because they're a little short.
  • 1390 - Bread is invented. Everybody proposes a toast to the inventor.
  • 1391 - Sliced Bread is invented. This is the greatest thing invented since, you know what I'm drawing a blank.
  • 1712 - Rebels in Chile have a riot against the Spanish. It ends up being en fuego.
  • 1865 - A three legged dog walks into a saloon and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
  • 1980 - Various case studies indicate you can put things in them and carry them by their handles.
  • 1985 - Das Boot, a German film about gender neutral enclosed footwear, is released.
  • 2009 - Juan Pablo Montoya is shot dead, police believe the killer was a golfer, because he made a hole in Juan.
  • 2018 - French President Emmanuel Macron explains at a press conference that he doesn't like too many eggs for breakfast as one egg is un oeuf.

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While you were lifting weights I was cultivating inner strength.

February 11: Glorious Nippon Steel Day

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You'd think he'd get less vultures eating his liver if he weren't posing so fabulously.

February 12: Undeniably Heterosexual Graeco-Roman Cultural Appreciation Day

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He really does look like a frog.

February 13: Simple English Day

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February 14: Singles Drink Free Today Only

  • 269 AD - St. Valentine is castrated, horsewhipped and disemboweled, and a holiday is named after him because that's what happens when you fall in love anyway.
  • 1779 - James Cook is killed in Hawaii, not in the Sandwhich Islands like some believe, because even getting killed on Valentine's day can be a big disappointment.
  • 1852 - The first hospital in England opens. During its opening ceremony, sick patients were given typical Valentine's gifts, such as cards.
  • 1876 - Alexander Graham Bell first patents the telephone, insuring that every heartless bastard can look at their phones ringing and ignore it like the selfish mess they are. Just answer me.
  • 2000 - The NEAR Shoemaker satellite enters orbit around an asteroid, but it's not the first thing adrift in space to ceaselessly spiral around a cold, dead, emotionally unavailable rock.
  • 2005 - Youtube is launched, yet another place for soul-crushing narcissists to share private, personal information to a whole audience of idiots who don't know the whole story, goddammit, you and your vlogs.
  • 2011 - As part of the Arab Spring, Bahrain protests government injustice or whatever since rioting feels a whole lot better than getting stood up on Valentine's Day, you ruined my life.

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Mmm crunchy.

February 15: It Just Got Out Of Hand Day

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*Ashokan farewell plays*

February 16: No Human Rights Day

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Why isn't Helium called Helion? Checkmate, atheists.

February 17: Noble Gases Appreciation Day

  • 1991 - What the British call the birthdate of their very own version of Jesus.
  • 1996 - Gary Kasparov loses a game of chess to a computer, like that's never happened to anyone before.
  • 2001 - HAL 9000 kills two dudes in outer space, oh shit I'm sorry I spoiled it for you.
  • 2006 - You finally forget about your miserable Valentine's Day, only to be tormented by this reminder.
  • 2008 - USA bombs some country after the military finds a few extra bombs hiding in an old pair of pants.
  • 2009 - John Prescott is discovered at the corner of downing street in a corset and fish-net tights attempting to whore himself out to passing single parents.
  • 2017 - Denmark is officially recognized as a mistake and erased from history.
  • 2018 - All world languages are revoked and replaced with American, a language consisting solely of words with one syllable or less

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Start with the Greeks they said...

February 18: Penis Day (Tonga)

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Alt + F4 deletes your browser history, try it.

February 19: Alt + F4 Day

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Pictured: Your taste in music/television/everything.

February 20: Hot Garbage Day

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Gone but not forgotten.

February 21: Put Off Learning a Foreign Language Day

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An exhibit of internet spam before the invention of adblockers

February 22: International Day of Spam

  • 1996 - Need money quick? Need money now? Get a Payday Loan today! It's not like you have a choice you poor piece of shit haha.
  • 1998 - Got bills you need to pay? Some student loans looming overhead? Donate some plasma to literal blood-sucking capitalists.
  • 1999 - There are hot singles in your area! I don't think you can do anything with that information just wanted to tell you.
  • 2001 - Retro fans! Buy a complete box set of every movie and television series released during the 1980s, only $25,999.99! comes in fourteen trucks.
  • 2005 - Buy the last 49,367 Blu-ray discs of Peter Jackson's opus King Kong, I don't know use it as tinsel it's starting to leak chemicals.
  • 2011 - Look like your best self, buy our signature collection of foundation and concealer, made from the ground up bones of the long extinct sea cow.

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Justice for Han

February 23: Vin Diesel Saying the Word "Family" Day

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It's no Monster House but it's okay.

February 24: "I don't care what day it is" Day

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To live is to suffer

February 25: Gangrene Appreciation Day

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“Damn it, how will I ever get out of this labyrinth?”

February 26: Famous Last Words Day

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February 27: Making Banjo Noises With Your Mouth Day

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February 28: Finnish Cultural Appreciation Day

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Happy Birthday Leapfroggers!

February 29: I'm Not Five Years Old Dylan Shut The Fuck Up Day

  • 1504 - Christopher Columbus predicts the Lunar Eclipse to scare natives into giving him shit, proving that astronomy should never be done by Italians.
  • 1940 - Hattie McDaniel becomes the first African American to win an Oscar for her role as "Mammy" in Gone With The Wind; mixed feelings ensue.
  • 1948 - Ken Foree, of Kenan & Kel fame, is born: world peace achieved for thirty minutes.
  • 2012 - The Japanese finish construction of the Tokyo Skytree, which is obviously just a giant broadcast tower and not, say, the dormant state of a sleeping mecha.
  • 2016 - People born on February 29th, 1932, finally celebrate their first legal drink: they then die of liver failure.
  • 2022 - People born today realize everyone they've ever fucked is on the registry. Sorry.

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