Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/February
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February 1: [Insert Holiday Here]
- [Insert Year Here] - [Insert event here]
- [Insert Year Here] - [Insert overdone joke about certain desiccated religious figurehead here]
- [Insert Year Here] - [Insert crude sexual innuendo here]
- [Insert Year Here] - [Insert event involving France and one of two French stereotypes here]
- [Insert Year Here] - [Insert appalling racist joke added by an anonymous contributor from 2007 here]
- [Insert Year Here] - [Insert bad pun here]
- [Insert Year Here] - [Insert what is either an obscure pop cultural reference or just some stupid random shit here]
- [Insert Year Here] - [Insert lame in-joke here]
- 1461 - The War of the Roses: no one outside of some damp island has any idea what happened during the war, I don't know, poppies started eating people?
- 1652 - New Amsterdam (later renamed to New York City) is settled, declared the "Greatest City in the World" by people with low expectations.
- 1848 - The Mexican-American War ends in the treaty of "Gimme Half Your Shit", in which America gladly welcomes all the land Mexico was kind enough to lend.
- 1850 - Brigham Young slaughters hundreds of Native Americans, is cursed in the afterlife to live in the, uhh, terrestrial kingdom? Seriously?
- 1922 - James Joyce writes random scribbles and publishes it, scholars are still confounded after decades of study.
- 1943 - The Battle of Stalingrad ends after all the Nazis just froze to death, General Winter, just don't think about it, O Beautiful for Spacious Skies...
February 3: Fuck a Groundhog Day
- 1834 - Wheeling Jesuit University is founded, alumni annoys everyone they meet by complaining about Wheeling Jesuit University.
- 1870 - The Fifteenth Amendment is ratified, guaranteeing voting rights for all people in about ninety or so years.
- 1933 - Adolf Hitler steals Austria, other Europeans demand he gives it back, but he covers his ears and goes "nananana."
- 1966 - The Soviet Union hides people inside tiny compartments to operate probes which land on moon.
- 1993 - Bill Murray finally escapes from a 10,000 year long time loop, will have to live with the knowledge he has fucked a groundhog at least twelve times.
- 1995 - First woman to pilot a Space Shuttle accidentally lands it on Europa, a moon on Jupiter.
February 4: Nobody Does Anything Interesting Day
- 220 AD - Emperor Cao Cao of the Han Dynasty, knowing the end is near, has the imperial chef make him his favorite sandwich.
- 1142 - Starving peasants in medieval Germany continue to starve.
- 1877 - Charles Dickens has severe constipation, contemplates going to the doctor.
- 1943 - Hitler finds some time out of his day to play with his dog Blondi.
- 1968 - Lyndon B. Johnson drinks some really bad coffee, tells his wife.
- 1977 - Eric Clapton orders a tuna sandwich from the deli but is given egg salad instead, doesn't notice until he gets home.
- 2004 - Mark Zuckerberg invents the Facebook status, now people can be uninteresting whenever they want.
- 2008 - Parliament forces non-electric cars to drive in a place that is not in London.
- 2017 - Mike in HR spreads butter on a burnt piece of toast on purpose. Many speculate him to be completely batshit insane.
February 5: Peyton Manning Does Everything Day
- 1066 - Peyton Manning, king of Normandy, conquers England.
- 1152 - Peyton Manning almost makes it to Super Bowl -DCCCXV, but he loses the AFC Championship after getting sacked five times by the Frankfurt Galaxy's linebacker Frederick Barbarossa.
- 1215 - Peyton Manning thinks up the concept for the Magna Carta.
- 1492 - Peyton Manning sails the ocean blue.
- 1776 - Peyton Manning leads the Continental Army across the Delaware River in an assault on Trenton, New Jersey.
- 1813 - Peyton Manning is exiled to Elba.
- 1860 - Peyton Manning signs the Emancipation Proclamation before Abraham Lincoln could.
- 2014 - Peyton Manning finally retrieves wild snap he missed on first play of Super Bowl.
- 1489 - Nothing truly happens, for life is bereft of all meaning.
- 1555 - What is even "meaning"? But a futile attempt to give essence to what is without it?
- 1644 - We are but things, mere atoms, floating in a miasma of angst, seeking out pain to fill a never-ending hole. A hole... of pain.
- 1709 - Where is God? He is nowhere. A marketing gimmick by the, uhh, bead companies, to sell beads.
- 1882 - You know what else is bereft of meaning? Family court. Family court, yet another "institution" meant to bring order in an order-less world.
- 1905 - Rachel! Let me see the kids! Goddamnit Rachel I can't even see their faces!!! You whore!!! Rachel!!!
- 1941 - Just the weekends, Rachel, please, just the weekends...
February 7: Shit! I Forgot My Lines... Day
- 1599 - Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio, a man of uhh, shit. Line. Line, I need the—
- 1600 - A man of Infinite Jest. Of most excellent fancy. Wait, asshole.
- 1601 - Yeah, got it. Ahem. I knew him Horatio, a man of infinite jest. Of most fancy—Fuck—of most excellent fancy.
- 1602 - If this happens on the night we'll just use the alternate.
- 1603 - How about you go fuck yourself, I'm the artist around here, you just tell people where to move on stage.
- 1604 - Whatever, Kenneth Branagh, you do whatever you fucking want.
- 1605 - I don't need you, nobody needs you, I'll make my own fucking lines. I'm the fucking bard. Motherfucker.
February 8: Royals Named Elizabeth Day
- 1856 BC - Hebrews arrive at the Promised Land, start worshiping Baal, which makes Yahweh totally jealous.
- 1020 BC - Rome is built in 24 hours and 12 minutes.
- 76 AD - Philosopher Octavius Libido publishes his masterpiece, "Indoor Plumbing: the Devil Incarnate", Rome is then destroyed by Typhoid.
- 1587 - Mary, Queen of Scots is executed by Elizabeth I after US Weekly says Mary wore it better.
- 1819 - Mary Shelley creates Dr. Frankenstein, who rebels against his creator by not even calling during the holidays.
- 1952 - Elizabeth II is crowned Queen of the United Kingdom, immediately starts merchandising.
- 2001 - California Adventure declares its independence from Disneyland, establishes its own currency and military.
February 9: International Tourette's Day
- 1884 - First case of tourette's is recorded, subject is originally not diagnosed as his tic was incessantly correcting people's grammar.
- 1942 - Daylight saving time is introduced in America after Congress is led to believe that that lightbulbs steal the sunlight.
- 1964 - The Beatles make their first appearance on The Ed Sullivan Show, scandalizes prudish American audiences with their protruding foreheads.
- 1971 - Apollo 14 returns to Earth after the third manned moon landing, brings back a shitload of sexually transmitted moon diseases.
- 1986 - Halley's Comet visits our solar system, leaves immediately after noticing the Earth starting to warm up.
- 2024 - You don't notice any symptoms of tourette's on this day, since all the tics were nonverbal, educate yourself fool.
February 10: International Bad Pun Day
- 1104 - Potato famine engulfs Ireland, panhandling leprechauns flood the cities because they're a little short.
- 1390 - Bread is invented. Everybody proposes a toast to the inventor.
- 1391 - Sliced Bread is invented. This is the greatest thing invented since, you know what I'm drawing a blank.
- 1712 - Rebels in Chile have a riot against the Spanish. It ends up being en fuego.
- 1865 - A three legged dog walks into a saloon and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
- 1980 - Various case studies indicate you can put things in them and carry them by their handles.
- 1985 - Das Boot, a German film about gender neutral enclosed footwear, is released.
- 2009 - Juan Pablo Montoya is shot dead, police believe the killer was a golfer, because he made a hole in Juan.
- 2018 - French President Emmanuel Macron explains at a press conference that he doesn't like too many eggs for breakfast as one egg is un oeuf.
February 11: Glorious Nippon Steel Day
- 660 BC - Japan is founded after Amaterasu, Goddess of the Sun, uses the leftovers made from creating South Korea and China.
- 1889 - The Japanese Constitution is written, grants every citizen the right to work until fatal exhaustion, and the right to die lonely and afraid.
- 1979 - Iran is reformed as an Islamic theocracy, Ayatollah Khomeini bans neckties, brussels sprouts, and looking people in the eye.
- 1990 - Nelson Mandela is released from prison after 27 years, goes on an insane drug-fueled bender before resuming his South African Gandhi imitation.
- 2001 - E-mail which looks like a computer virus ends up being just a picture of tennis player Anna Kournikova.
- 2017 - North Korean ballistic missile headed for Japan deftly dispatched by Katana expert and anime aficionado (Pictured), who teleported behind the rogue ICBM and sliced it in half.
February 12: Undeniably Heterosexual Graeco-Roman Cultural Appreciation Day
- 804 BC - Prometheus (Pictured) steals fire and gives it to humanity, who use it to braise their finest meats.
- 1502 - Queen Isabella I of Castile bans Islam from her kingdom after getting stood up by an uncouth Moroccan.
- 1817 - During the Argentinian and Chilean wars for independence, joint troops cross the Andes mountains; without elephants, they settle for a herd of vicious llamas instead.
- 1912 - Puyi, the last emperor of China, abdicates the throne after the communists steal all the royal rice cakes.
- 1915 - The Lincoln Memorial begins construction, undercover KKK members secretly install a giant mucky swamp right next to it.
- 1947 - Paris becomes the capital of the fashion industry after Dior releases its collection.
- 2016 - Pope Francis and whoever the Orthodox Pope is meet up and try joining forces to finally defeat those dastardly protestants, but their plan is foiled by their numerous ecumenical differences.
February 13: Simple English Day
- 1689 - William and Mary run Damp Islandland with each other, instead of having fights like normal marriage.
- 1880 - Stealy Inventorman finds out about light bulbs from some of his friends, so he steals it and makes lots of money, but loses friends along the way.
- 1960 - Angry wine people, after Damp Islandland gets big explodey mushrooms, decide to make their own big explodey mushrooms.
- 1990 - After drunk commies collapse into a big pile of nothing, Nofunzoneland and East Nofunzoneland come together to have no fun together.
- 1991 - Shooty Shooty Freedomland bombs a shelter and kills 400 innocent sandy people, for looking like the people who will blow up the Twin Towers 10 years from now.
- 2008 - Big Parliament Man of Underland, Kevin Rudd, makes a sorry for his pale people friends killing all the brown people.
- 2017 - Brother of fat, bad Korean rocket man is stuck with poison by murder people, because sometimes, friend, family is hard.
- 2021 - The British watch calmly from the sidelines as Orange Man is acquitted from incitement of insurrection.
February 14: Singles Drink Free Today Only
- 269 AD - St. Valentine is castrated, horsewhipped and disemboweled, and a holiday is named after him because that's what happens when you fall in love anyway.
- 1779 - James Cook is killed in Hawaii, not in the Sandwhich Islands like some believe, because even getting killed on Valentine's day can be a big disappointment.
- 1852 - The first hospital in England opens. During its opening ceremony, sick patients were given typical Valentine's gifts, such as cards.
- 1876 - Alexander Graham Bell first patents the telephone, insuring that every heartless bastard can look at their phones ringing and ignore it like the selfish mess they are. Just answer me.
- 2000 - The NEAR Shoemaker satellite enters orbit around an asteroid, but it's not the first thing adrift in space to ceaselessly spiral around a cold, dead, emotionally unavailable rock.
- 2005 - Youtube is launched, yet another place for soul-crushing narcissists to share private, personal information to a whole audience of idiots who don't know the whole story, goddammit, you and your vlogs.
- 2011 - As part of the Arab Spring, Bahrain protests government injustice or whatever since rioting feels a whole lot better than getting stood up on Valentine's Day, you ruined my life.
February 15: It Just Got Out Of Hand Day
- 1203 - Genghis Khan loses his temper after losing a mud wrestling match; invades China.
- 1655 - Henry Morgan sacks Panama for England, after Spanish children steal novelty codpiece from Oliver Cromwell.
- 1862 - Ulysses S. Grant attacks Fort Donelson, Tennessee, in retribution for early morning theft of Union toilet paper.
- 1925 - Adolf Hitler writes his fiction novel Mein Kampf. It is interpreted as non-fiction.
- 1933 - Attempted assassination of President-elect Franklin Delano Roosevelt after a particularly sweaty handshake during the campaign.
- 1989 - The Soviet Union leaves Afghanistan, realising that the whole thing just got out of hand.
- 1997 - Starbucks tries a little too hard to out-do everyone else.
- 2008 - People don't seem to appreciate your attitude towards my potato chip situation. (Pictured)
- 2021 - Global warming causes state-wide power outage in Texas; Ted Cruz and family evacuate to Cancún.
February 16: No Human Rights Day
- 1792 - Frenchmen reading Thomas Paine's Rights of Man take lessons to heart by beheading people they disagree with.
- 1859 - In an effort to curb loud noises, the French government passes a law to prevent sounds above 435 hertz from being heard in public.
- 1861 - American Civil War (Pictured) begins with argument over whether black people should be owned and mistreated or just kicked around and mistreated.
- 1991 - Yakov Smirnoff celebrates the dissolution of the Soviet Union by jumping off a cliff.
- 1950 - First time Nineteen Eighty-Four is used in a poorly conceived political metaphor.
- 1989 - Fisher Price wins contract to supply China with toy tanks to run over protesters.
- 2000 - Dick Cheney has sex with a horse, and centaurs are born.
- 2006 - The Republican Party legalizes the hunting of humans, to control overpopulation.
- 2010 - The War on Terror is re-named the War on people looking at you funny.
February 17: Noble Gases Appreciation Day
- 1991 - What the British call the birthdate of their very own version of Jesus.
- 1996 - Gary Kasparov loses a game of chess to a computer, like that's never happened to anyone before.
- 2001 - HAL 9000 kills two dudes in outer space, oh shit I'm sorry I spoiled it for you.
- 2006 - You finally forget about your miserable Valentine's Day, only to be tormented by this reminder.
- 2008 - USA bombs some country after the military finds a few extra bombs hiding in an old pair of pants.
- 2009 - John Prescott is discovered at the corner of downing street in a corset and fish-net tights attempting to whore himself out to passing single parents.
- 2017 - Denmark is officially recognized as a mistake and erased from history.
- 2018 - All world languages are revoked and replaced with American, a language consisting solely of words with one syllable or less
February 18: Penis Day (Tonga)
- 4000 BC - Men discover their hands reach down to their genitals, and there is peace for three thousand years before they get bored and start killing each other with pointy sticks.
- 1791 - American imperialists "liberate" the state of Vermont because of its vast maple syrup reserves.
- 1861 - Jefferson Davis is declared president of the Confederacy after saying the "hard R" N-word fifty times in only six seconds.
- 1885 - Mark Twain's Adventures of Huckleberry Finn is published, its numerous grammatical errors are labelled by the publisher as a regional dialect.
- 1970 - The Chicago Seven are found guilty of being dirty commie hippies who might as well be guilty.
- 2010 - WikiLeaks publishes hundreds of thousands of classified documents revealing exactly where the U.S. keeps its nudes.
February 19: Alt + F4 Day
- 1600 - A volcano explodes in Peru. It's a good first line for a limerick, I guess.
- 1807 - Aaron Burr, former Vice President and guy who shot Alexander Hamilton, is imprisoned for treason; Burr is released following a quadruple rhyming triplet and an emotionally resonant leitmotif allusion.
- 1846 - The State Government of Texas is officially established in Austin, its first act: Mexican food sold within the state must include at least 200% recommended cheese intake.
- 1915 - World War I: The first attack on the Ottomans commences as the Australians attack the shoreline with drop bear reinforcements.
- 1949 - Ezra Pound decides that poetry is the perfect medium for his antisemitism, mostly because Jew can be rhymed with so many other words.
- 1954 - The Soviet Union transfers Crimea from Russian land to Ukraine, which will cause absolutely no problems in future.
- 1985 - EastEnders stars airing in the UK, causing more Brits to be visibly depressed.
- 1792 - The Postal Service is first established, celebration ceremony is accidentally rerouted to San Francisco, Spanish California.
- 1872 - After some harsh wind, the Metropolitan Museum of Art opens its first exhibit, a giant pile of toppled over ceiling scaffolding.
- 1877 - Russian ballet Swan Lake is received poorly by critics after show swans descend into the audience and peck their eyes out.
- 1935 - The first woman to set foot in Antarctica wonders what all the fuss was about.
- 1986 - The Soviet Union launches the space station Mir, cosmonauts test whether communism can work in outer space.
- 2016 - A man in Schenectady, New York is the first person to describe someone's opinion as "hot garbage" (Pictured), is given medal for ruining English.
February 21: Put Off Learning a Foreign Language Day
- 1848 - Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels publish The Communist Manifesto, 100 billion people instantly die.
- 1918 - The last Carolina Parakeet dies after calling the local constable a cracker. (Pictured)
- 1948 - Lazy people create NASCAR to have a sport where you can sit the whole time.
- 1952 - Winston Churchill wonders how he can get away with being such a flaming racist.
- 1965 - Malcom X is assassinated by the Nation of Islam, which is a real Nation of Islam sort of thing to do.
- 2017 - You uninstall the Duolingo app on your phone after you can't commit to 15 minutes of learning Spanish a day. Ay pobrecito.
February 22: International Day of Spam
- 1996 - Need money quick? Need money now? Get a Payday Loan today! It's not like you have a choice you poor piece of shit haha.
- 1998 - Got bills you need to pay? Some student loans looming overhead? Donate some plasma to literal blood-sucking capitalists.
- 1999 - There are hot singles in your area! I don't think you can do anything with that information just wanted to tell you.
- 2001 - Retro fans! Buy a complete box set of every movie and television series released during the 1980s, only $25,999.99! comes in fourteen trucks.
- 2005 - Buy the last 49,367 Blu-ray discs of Peter Jackson's opus King Kong, I don't know use it as tinsel it's starting to leak chemicals.
- 2011 - Look like your best self, buy our signature collection of foundation and concealer, made from the ground up bones of the long extinct sea cow.
February 23: Vin Diesel Saying the Word "Family" Day
- 1455 - The Gutenberg Bible is first printed, God brags that he is now a published author.
- 1923 - Werner Heisenberg plans to describe the uncertainty principle to his peers, but is unsure if they'll like it or not.
- 1941 - Scientists first create Plutonium, but instead of getting cool superpowers they just get cancer and die.
- 1947 - The International Organization for Standardization is founded to make Americans feel insecure about the customary system.
- 1999 - Kurdish leader Abdullah Öcalan is sentenced to death by Turkey due to mustache jealousy.
- 2015 - Vin Diesel (Pictured) says the word family so many times it doesn't even sound like a word anymore.
February 24: "I don't care what day it is" Day
- 1803 - In Marbury v Madison, two men named Mr. Marbury and Mr. Madison fight each other with canes, and the Supreme Court decides who wins.
- 1863 - People on their way to California collapse from heat while traveling across the desert, and rather than dying with humanity, they found Arizona.
- 1920 - God decides today is a good day to create Nazis, a few select Germans suddenly feel an unusual aversion to international Jewry.
- 1942 - Aliens attack the city of Los Angeles! (Pictured) They're confused for Japanese soldiers due to racism.
- 1978 - Five men disappear after attending a college basketball game in California. The bodies of four of them were actually clones of the same person.
- 2007 - Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe launches a spy satellite to perv on Kim Jong-un's sister, Kim Yo-jong.
- 2008 - Fidel Castro retires, spends the rest of his days smoking cigars and laughing at assassination attempts.
February 25: Gangrene Appreciation Day
- 1863 - Civil War surgeons discover a cure for gangrene, a rusty hacksaw and a stick to bite on.
- 1901 - J. P. Morgan becomes a billionaire after inventing the now world-renowned overdraft protection fee.
- 1945 - Turkey declares war on Germany. A little late to the party but every little thing helps.
- 1964 - Kim Il-sung turns North Korea into a verdant paradise, a utopia masquerading as a third-world country. It's basically an Asian Wakanda.
- 1991 - The Warsaw pact is officially abolished, thus ushering in a new era of peace and stability in Europe for a whole two hours.
- 1992 - The Khojaly Massacre occurs, part of an ongoing conflict between Armenia and Azerbaijan over the enclave of Nagorno-Karabakh aaaaaand you're asleep. Okay.
February 26: Famous Last Words Day
- 323 BC - “You assholes better not split up my Empire right after I die.” – Alexander the Great
- 1642 - “Sticking up for your beliefs ain't worth it kids.” – Galileo Galilei
- 1900 - “I should probably say something clever and biting yet also moving and oh shit my spleen.” – Oscar Wilde
- 1945 - “I can't move my legs, oh God I can't move my legs! Nah, I'm just fucking with you.” – Franklin D. Roosevelt
- 1955 - “Oh Scheiße, meine windel ist voll! Oh Gott, ich spüre, wie die wässrigen Poop-Flüssigkeiten meine hose hinunterrinnen.” – Albert Einstein
- 1963 - “Something feels off, don't you think?” – John F. Kennedy
- 1968 - “Maybe there's still hope for white people after all.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.
- 1994 - “I still don't get why they called me tricky dick. My name's Richard, not tricky.” – Richard Nixon
- 2001 - “Goddamnit.” – Dale Earnhardt
February 27: Making Banjo Noises With Your Mouth Day
- 1812 - Lord Byron writes a poem about the coy and inviting aroma of his own flatulence.
- 1860 - Abraham Lincoln makes a speech so angry and divisive it causes the Civil War, shame on you Mr. Lincoln.
- 1870 - Emperor Meiji of Japan spills marinara sauce on a white sheet, has a great idea for his country's flag.
- 1972 - Duh duh dum dum dum dum dum dum dum, duh duh dum dum dum dum dum dum dum...
- 1991 - George H.W. Bush takes over Iraq, as a gift to his son and future funnyman president, George W.
- 2007 - The Shanghai Stock Exchange falls 9% in one day, the economy might have been ruined were it not for the immortal ghost of Mao Tse-Tung.
- 2013 - Pope Benedict XVI resigns from the Papacy after 'accidentally' liking 39 Playboy posts and commenting 12 times.
- 2015 - Russian politician Boris Nemtsov dies after shooting himself in the back twenty-three times and stuffing himself inside a concrete-filled duffel bag.
February 28: Finnish Cultural Appreciation Day
- 1835 - The Finnish Tourism Board publishes the Kalevala, an obvious ripoff of Tolkien, and declares the day a national holiday.
- 1847 - American forces nearly capture the Mexican town of Chihuahua, but are quickly torn to shreds by packs of those selfsame canines.
- 1935 - Nylon is invented, to fill the niche of fabrics that don't sufficiently chafe your nipples.
- 1939 - The word dord is unjustly removed from the dictionary by pernicious grammarians with no sense of humor.
- 1991 - The Gulf War ends, troops glad they never have to go back to Iraq or the Middle East ever again.
- 1993 - The ATF lay siege to a cult compound in Waco, Texas, decide to use guns instead of trebuchets.
February 29: I'm Not Five Years Old Dylan Shut The Fuck Up Day
- 1504 - Christopher Columbus predicts the Lunar Eclipse to scare natives into giving him shit, proving that astronomy should never be done by Italians.
- 1940 - Hattie McDaniel becomes the first African American to win an Oscar for her role as "Mammy" in Gone With The Wind; mixed feelings ensue.
- 1948 - Ken Foree, of Kenan & Kel fame, is born: world peace achieved for thirty minutes.
- 2012 - The Japanese finish construction of the Tokyo Skytree, which is obviously just a giant broadcast tower and not, say, the dormant state of a sleeping mecha.
- 2016 - People born on February 29th, 1932, finally celebrate their first legal drink: they then die of liver failure.
- 2024 - People born today realize everyone they've ever fucked is on the registry. Sorry.