This article may be Overly British
Sir Winston "Rule Britannia" Spencer Churchill (30 November 1874 – 24 January 1965), also known as Winnie the War Poo-Bah and Winnie the Warmonger, is credited with saving the Free World from Hitler and guaranteeing the survival of his drinks cellar. Churchill liked politics, war, alcohol, war, painting, war, and war...and was able to hold onto his liquor when lesser mortals had long passed out. He once said that the only other political leader who could hold his drink was Stalin.
During his long life, Churchill won the Nobel Prize for Literature, Alcohol and War in Europe, a unique 'triple'. Churchill was allowed to add various funny letters after his name which included OBE, CBE, Obi-Wan First Imperialist of the British Empire and the coveted HMRFRA. Long after his death, Churchill was voted the Roundest British Leader Ever. He was once offered a dukedom by King George VI but took a knighthood instead as Churchill didn't like the offered title 'Duke of Blitzkrieg' that came with the honour.
In life as in death, Churchill has led to many heated arguments about whether he was the greatest man who had ever lived or deserved to have been prosecuted for war crimes. Certainly if Germany, Japan and Italy had won the war, Churchill's memory would have been treated the same way as any war loser would suffer: a thorough monstering. He got this anyway from the French and Russians but for different reasons.
Churchill was born in the unfashionable wing of Blenheim Palace in 1874 to Lord Randolph 'Randy Toff' Churchill and his American wife Jenny Jiggle-Wiggle from a rich family of capitalist Robber Barons. Lord Randy with his black moustache cut a political dash at the time, appearing in Parliament to horsewhip other M.P.'s he thought were 'below contempt'. Randolph hated the Liberal Prime Minister William Gladstone but then died from an unmentionable disease whilst still in his forties.. A distraught Jenny then threw herself into charity work and the passing arms of over sexed aristocrats. Winston wasn't a happy chappy and decided to go join the army where he learned the art of drinking for the 'British Empah.'
Churchill messed around for the next fifty years waiting for his time to come as The Drinking Man and practising mixing his whiskey shorts. Churchill's whiskey shorts was not for the faint hearted or the weak stomached. So when he wasn't in government, Churchill would stay at home building brick garden sheds for his wife Clementine and working on distilling his own booze.
During this time Churchill swapped political parties in the same way other men changed their mistresses. Surprisingly, Churchill stayed loyal to his wife but he was never a 'looker' anyway so this may have been the absence of chance rather a decision to stay faithful. Churchill had started as a Unionist (i.e. a Conservative who wanted to keep Ireland English), A Free Trade Unionist (Churchill didn't want to pay any tax on alcohol), A Liberal, a Liberal Who Liked War a Lot, A Liberal Again (lost the plot there), a 'Ramsay Macdonald is a bolshevik' Constitutionalist before finally joined the Conservatives in 1925. During these years Churchill held many important government posts but no one ever claimed to like him. So Churchill bought a house in Surrey and decided to learn to paint landscapes in pure alcohol and make use of surplus battleship grey paint.
Gradually everyone forgot about Churchill. By the mid 1930s, he was known as 'bad flabby political joke' and no one would listen to him as he warned about Hitler and the Nassies, which sounded vaguely obscene. If Churchill had died in 1939... well only historians who take this stuff seriously would have even bothered giving him a card index.
At the outbreak of the terrible World War sequel, Churchill was appointed Ye First Lord of ye olde Admiralty. According to myth, the Navy board sent out the historic message: "Hide the Whiskey, lock all mini-bars, Winston's back!"
In this job, Churchill proved to be one of the highest-profile ministers during the so-called "Dry War", when the only noticeable action was at Sam's Dry Martini Bar. Churchill advocated the preemptive occupation of the Norwegian vodka exporting port of Narvik, and the distilleries of Northern Sweden, early in the War. However, Neville Chamberlain and the rest of the War Cabinet disagreed, as they were more interested in beer and American moonshine. This delayed the binge-drinking party until the very start of the German attempt to drink Norway dry, which was successful despite British efforts.
On May 10, 1940, just during the daring 37th German invasion of France by a surprising advance through the Low Countries (They did do it again in 1914, didn't they?), Churchill was chosen by lot as the next Prime Minister of Lithuania. Lithuania refused, and Churchill was offered Great Britain instead.
As the English defences against invasion amounted to three bits of plywood, five daisies, two twigs and a horse named 'Rodney', Churchill realized that more time was needed to build up enough alcohol stockpiles to make the British fearless. In fact he planned to turn the whole island into a large open air distillery. As he was writing these plans, Churchill recorded a drunk talk and then broadcast it worldwide. This was the greatest inspiration the Prime Minister could give to the United Kingdom. The first recording was the famous "I have nothing to offer but whiskey, gin, brandy, and vodka" speech. He followed that closely with two other equally famous ones, given just before the Battle for Britain. One included the immortal line:
You shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be, you shall fight on the beaches, you shall fight on the landing grounds, you shall fight in cesspools and brothels, you shall fight in sewers; you shall never surrender - on the other hand, I’m off to Canada!
The other speech included the equally famous "Therefore brace yourselves to YOUR duties, and so bear yourselves that, if the British Empire and its Commonwealth last for a thousand years, men will still say, 'This was MY finest hour! ' " At the height of the Tittle for Britain, his bracing survey of the financial situation included the memorable line "Never in the field of hangovers was so much owed by so few to so many", referring to the enormous debts he had made at Sam’s Bar.
Winston Churchill was reported to have made prank calls to Adolf Hitler claiming he was Mussolini and encouraging the German leader to invade Russia. This has lead to speculation that the only reason why Hitler started the blitzkrieg was to destroy the phone lines between England and Nazi occupied Europe. But it seems Churchill's influence did finally persuade Hitler to sneak attack Stalin. When Germany invaded Russia Churchill is said to have explained 'I have always preferred Vodka to Schnapps. Hurrah for Joe!'.
When the USA was attacked by Japan in December 1941, Churchill organised a party at Buckingham Palace where all the important American military leaders were drunk under the table and persuaded to defeat Germany first before Japan. Churchill said this was his 'proudest achievement' - even if it meant mortgaging the British Empire to help pay the bar bill.
On October 9, 1944, he and Eden were in a Moscow Vodka Strip Pub, where they met Stalin, without the knowledge of the saintly Americans. Bargaining for booze went on throughout the night. Churchill wrote on a scrap of paper that Stalin had a 90 percent "interest" in Romanian Vodka and Britain a 90 percent "interest" in Greek Ouzo. When they got to the Italian wines, Stalin ceded them to Churchill. This gentleman's agreement was sealed with a handshake, and the empty glasses were smashed on the wall, Russian style.
After the fall of fascism in Europe, the three powers (USSR, USA, and GB) met to discuss how the reconstruction of Europe would happen. In the first meeting Winny came to the meeting drunk and said to Josef Stalin, "go fuck yourself Stalin, you will not get bloody fucking Germany!" Stalin was flabbergasted and left running out of the room crying. The next day Winston apologized for his actions.
Later life and death
After World War II, Churchill left office and travelled the world warning about Russia. He said they wanted to drape an 'Iron Curtain' across Europe and would force everyone to sit on tin chairs and be force fed rubbish television to dull their senses. In 1951 Churchill became Prime Minister of Britain again but was already well past it, his drinking days had finally caught up with him. He also wanted to have one final drinking party with Stalin, but the Soviet leader started before Churchill arrived and was found dead on the floor in 1953. Churchill was upset and on a large photo that showed all the major leaders of World War Two Churchill would mutter under his whisky breath that he 'was last of the few' and would sit in a chair and stare at the ceiling.
In 1955 Churchill died and spent a few more years on a yacht with Aristotle Onassis, sailing the seas to find the topless beaches of France. He still liked to paint a bit but would often get confused and get through a box of oils in the mistaken belief they were ingredients for a cocktail. Churchill finally died in 1965, his last wish to be pickled in alcohol like the great naval here Horatio Nelson being refused on the grounds of taste and expense. However, Churchill was already 99% booze and only 1% human by then so it didn't really matter.
Proper Care and Maintenance of your Winston Churchill
When Churchill died, an insurance company cashed in and issued this special offer for anyone who wanted to remember the great war leader by trying to save money:-
Your Winston Churchill will run smoothly and effectively with the proper lubrication and when kept in the right conditions. Your Winston Churchill can be kept properly lubricated by feeding it alcohol. While it will eat most any food it encounters, its real fuel is high-quality alcohol, and a good amount of it. It prefers gin (usually in gin & tonics or martinis) and champagne, but it will also drink rum, vodka, whiskey, and the blood of its slain enemies (served preferably in the bleached skull of said enemy). It should be kept away from Billy Whizz. If quality alcohol is provided, your Winston Churchill can properly maintain its own level of lubrication, and there is no need for you to measure out alcohol for it. Simply refill any empty glasses or replace any empty bottles in its cage.
The proper conditions in which to keep your Winston Churchill is best described as "adversity". However, most general adversity won't yield optimum results; the best adversity for your Winston Churchill is in wartime. However, if there is no war for your Winston Churchill to be in, you have two options:
- make a war up to keep your Winston Churchill occupied.
- send it to English boarding school, where it will have to face adversity to avoid being beaten and sodomized by his schoolmates.
Following the preceding advice will lead to your happy, healthy, and successfully-operating Winston Churchill which will give you lots of joy and affection for years to come, as well as keeping your country unconquered by fascists.
- "This hat and congratulatory ham goes to France, who fought so poorly, and surrendered so readily." - Winston Churchill at the WW2 War Awards,
- On the Paris Hilton: "I stayed there once..don't see what all the fuss is about."
- "Looking back now, I was drunk on power...and alcohol." ~Winston Churchill on his stint as Prime Minister.
- "Do you know that old quote, 'No sex, please; we're British'? Well, I'm half-American, so 'ow 'bout a quick snog in the coat room?"
- "We shall fight them on the beaches, we shall fight them in the streets... er... what I mean to say is, YOU all shall be fighting them. It's good to be the Prime Minister."
- "Götterdämmerung!" (Hitler on Winston)."
- "I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is debatable because he has not returned my phone call."
- "I never drink tea. It makes me bloat and forget how many kneecaps I have."
- "Mummy what's for tea?" (unarguably his most famous quote)
- "Oh My God! I can't believe you just said that!" (on Neville Chamberlain's appeasement at
- "Some people regard private enterprise as a predatory tiger to be shot. Others look on it as a cow they can milk. Not enough people see it as a healthy sow on heat.""
- "I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will still be drunk and you will still look pretty good to me. So how about it?"
- "The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is its inexhaustible supply of Russian mail-order brides."
- "I used to bloody love Dundee Cake until the bastards voted me out!" (Winston Churchill remembers losing his parliamentary seat in the 1922 General Election. One of the victors was a prohibitionist).
- Stalin simply threatened to shoot anyone who could outdrink him.
- Why drink and drive when you can drink and drink and drink?
- The French blamed Churchill for killing their sailors when he ordered an attack on their navy in 1940 when they decided to surrender to Germany. The French thought this was an example of 'Perfide Albion'. The Russians did not forgive Churchill for trying to crush the Bolshevik revolution in 1917.
- Medical dictionaries at the time cleverly got round this problem by listing 'Unmentionable Diseases - See Randolph Churchill on Page 92' - except of course, there was no page 92. For many years dying of syphilis was known as 'Randolphing'.
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