HowTo:Be a Rebel at Work
Are you sick and tired of being a total suck-up to your rich boss? Do you constantly masturbate while looking down the toilet crying? Are you unpopular, a worthless stain on the face of the earth? Does accountancy not allow you to lead the life of excitement and luxury you were seeking when you applied to college? Do you question whether you remember hope? Do you get Jenny from marketing to lick your stamps for you, wait until she leaves, remove the stamps, then lick them again to get her taste? To you search for hours on ebay to get a marker that has glow-in-the-dark writing? Then when it arrives, do you paint the inside of a cardboard box black, use the marker to make "stars" on the inside of the box, then put the box on your head until the fumes from the paint and marker give you permanent brain damage? Then maybe you should seek psychological help. What was I saying again? I forgot. Oh, right. In addition to your job being mind numbingly boring and a constant reminder of your uselessness, the pay is lousy too. You can't afford the help you so obviously need. So what do you do (outside of killing yourself)? Read this article. Bring back the side of you that has laid buried under your five dollar cotton shirt for the past decade. Do something that helps you bring some life and colour to a life of monotony that even a robot wouldn't enjoy. Get revenge on the people who have squashed your dreams in a never ending downward spiral of balance sheets. REBEL!
The Stalin Method[edit | edit source]
Think your co-workers are plotting against you? Feel that Tom in finance is putting "hookers" under business expenses to get you into trouble? Learn from the master of paranoia: Joseph Stalin. The only way to stop their plotting and back stabbing is a series of trials. Not real trials. They're entitled to a trial of course, but you already know they're guilty, so why bother having a fair trial? Use your desk as the bench. Use your cup as a gavel. Force your co-workers to explain themselves to you. If they can't provide proof they weren't plotting against you, force them to confess their guilt. Ah, but what if they resist? There are plenty of methods to deal with the ones that squirm. Threaten their family. Torture them. But what with, you ask? What weapons could there be in the work place? Use your imagination. Smash their face in with a paperweight. Staple their hands together with a stapler. Force them to drink correction fluid. Stab them with pens. Hook wires from your calculator's battery to their testicles. When they finally give in, push them out of the nearest window to their deaths, or stick their head into the water cooler until they drown. If anyone defends anyone else, they're in on it too. Have a show trial for them too. Soon, your workplace will be cleared off all your enemies and you can run your life your way, instead of having everyone one else constantly plotting to crush you like a bug.
The Gandhi Method[edit | edit source]
Feeling a bit squeamish? Then this method may be more in your line. Passively resist all attempts at communication. Stare at co-workers' racks while they talk to you. Put your fingers in your ears when any male co-workers talk to you. Block up the toilets with toilet paper and explain they are an unnecessary luxury. Or wrap it around you. Sit at your desk in the lotus position with your eyes closed from 9 to 5 everyday until people finally let you do what you want. Be peaceful and silent.
The Ahnuld Method[edit | edit source]
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A tried and tested method. Want to go hands on in your efforts? Try the Ahnuld effort. Bring a leather jacket, sunglasses and an Uzi into work. Speak in a monotonic Austrian accent that people have trouble understanding. Sit quietly at your desk until someone approaches you. Depending on if they are a male or female, and depending on what they say, the following one-liners can be used to show everybody you are serious about your rebellion.
- I'd like to see your current assets.
- Double entry is for nerds.
- Computers can not keep up with the speed of my thinking.
- I recommend a cessation of your hostile tactics. Or face termination.
- For you, the coffee break is over. (followed by a burst of machine gun fire)
- From now on, I do things my way.
- If you're my boss, how come I can do this? (followed by the snapping of your boss's neck)
Women will love you. Men will respect you. You will be free of monotony and boredom.
And finally...[edit | edit source]
If you have followed any of these steps you should be in prison, running California or dead with most of the world hating you forever. But hey, it's an improvement on being yourself, eh? These methods of rebelling only allow you to break free of the bonds of your own uselessness. What you do once you attain this freedom is up to you. Knowing you and how pathetic you are, it will probably be more accountancy. Maybe you are just boring and useless, eh?