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Wednesday, September 2, 2026, 16:18 (UTC)
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BREAKING NEWS: Friday the 13th writer Victor Miller dies, more rights issues impending
  WASHINGTON -- President Biden returned from his colonoscopy Friday -- after having Vice President Harris serve as Acting President for 85 minutes, nearly the length of an SNL episode -- to perform his first turkey pardon, a tradition that dates all the way back to... Bush 41? Still high off the anesthesia, Biden put in a karaoke CD and told the confused audience, "You might remember this little soft rock hit from 1991." Thinking that the song would be Marc Cohn's "Walking in Memphis," he was delightedly surprised when he instead heard Dolly Parton's classic, "Jolene." "What the fuck?" Biden blurted out into the microphone. "I love this song, too. What the hell, let's sing it."  SOMEWHERE, AMERICA—Larry Sanger, one of Wikipedia’s cofounders and half of its Sanger has spent more than a decade complaining about Wikipedia's more leftist leanings and how it tends to keep calling Trump an "orange" and Kamala a "goddess." On X, shortly before the ban, he warned his followers that "they" would be coming for him, armed with a powerful ban that even he could not fight against. "The general consensus amongst us moderators here is that he spent too much time engaged in off-site canvassing, and when he was here, he would only add non-constructive edits, such as making the background of the Obama article a giant naked Black man," said an editor in a note closing the ban discussion. |
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 Your horoscope for today: Your habit of licking the bowl clean when you finish eating has to stop, especially during Holy Communion.
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