Horror icon Sid Haig has died. In memoriam, UnNews presents this Alexander Haig obituary from our archives.
21 February 2010
SOMEWHERE, the World -- I tuned in late Friday morning to reviledly-conservativecable news channelFaux News, when the scroll reported that somebody by the name of Haig was in critical condition for something or another. They didn't specify, but I believe it may have been incurable old people’s disease. They have since announced that Haig has died from whatever condition s/he had.
LOS ANGELES, California -- UnNews is shocked and saddened to learn that an icon of our 90s Millennial childhoods -- Robert Axelrod -- the voice of the legendary villain Lord Zedd from Fox Kids and Saban's MightyMorphinPower Rangers -- has died. He was 70.
Say what you will of the show original main villain, Rita Repulsa, but you can't deny that Lord Zedd was a total badass. The way he barged into Rita's lair, ousted her and committed the ultimate mutiny is the stuff of legend. He gave Goldar his wings back. He made the Putties stronger, even though all you had to do was bop them in the "Z" emblems on their chests. Sure, Rita begat evil Green Ranger Tommy in the classic "Green with Evil" episode arc, but Zedd went one further and personally destroyed the Dino Zords.
Apple has unveiled its new generation of products including the next generation of its smartwatch which will be equipped with the ability to display the time. The "always on" display is said to mark an important milestone in watches in that they can be used as watches.
Whilst competitor's products have had similar features for sometime, Steve Jobbs' grandfather Tim Cooke took to the stage to explain how the time displayed on Apple Watches would change the way people thought about relativity.
Sam Smith's family have thanked fans for their compassionate response to the singer's decision to change pronouns to "they" and "them".
"They [Smith] really appreciate them [the fans]," a family spokesperson said. "They [Smith] had been going through one of the hardest periods of their [Smith's] life, and they [the fans] really came through for them [Smith]."
Democratic candidate Joe Biden has given an exclusive interview to UnNews, in which he answers the question, "What responsibility do you think that Americans need to take to repair the legacy of slavery in our country?"
When people ask me about reparations for slavery, my mind automatically drifts to how poor most black people are, and what they need to do to fix that. Here's my five-point plan:
HOLLYWOOD --Martin Scorsese's 1972 film, Boxcar Bertha, is set to become the shortest film of the legendary director's 52-year career. While his upcoming, The Irishman, is a 3 1/2 hour De Niro-Pacino bloatfest that brings Joe Pesci out of retirement (because he's apparently too old to make another Home Alone movie), his earlier effort is a mere 87 minutes. But even that's too much for most modern audiences.
"Who the hell has time to sit through an 87 minute movie?" asks film critic and historian Leonard Maltin. "I can barely endure a 30 minute sitcom. Becker makes CSI feel like Lawrence of Arabia."
"It's ridiculous," concurs Richard Roeper. "I barely got through Lord of the Rings... and that's just the theatrical versions."
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