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Sunday, January 23, 2022, 05:58 (UTC)

Comedian Louie Anderson transitioning into woman
Louie Anderson died January 21, 2022. In his memory, we present this oldie from February 11, 2016.

HOLLYWOOD, California - Comedian Louie Anderson -- perhaps best known to Millennials for the 90s Fox Kids cartoon, Life with Louie, or as the host of Family Feud from 1999 to 2002 -- has revealed that he is transitioning into a woman.

"That's why I pretty much disappeared after Family Feud," he says. "In fact, that's why I left Family Feud. 'Louie' is just a lie. 'Louie' is a sad man, a dead-end comedian who spent four years revealing schmucks' answers to survey questions on national TV and seeing how Joe Contestant's answers measured up. Al from Home Improvement can do that, J. Peterman can do that, Steve Harvey can do that; I can't."

Uncyclomedia Foundation purchases Full House laugh track machine
Bob Saget died January 9, 2022. In his memory, we present this oldie from July 31, 2009.
UNCYCLOPEDIA, The Internet: Yesterday, in a move that could only be described as "dishearteningly predictable," the Uncyclomedia Foundation completed a deal to purchase the Laughtronic Gizmomatic 2000 from Sit-Co, the world's largest producer of sitcom-related technology. The Laughtronic Gizmomatic 2000, as educated TV-viewers and compulsive trivia-freaks will already know, was designed and used specifically to cater to the needs of the immensely popular sitcom Full House. The famous laugh-track may be best known for its classic catch-phrase, "Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha*clap**clap**clap*." What follows is a brief test of the laugh-track: *A-hem.* How many penguins does it take to cover a doghouse? Purple, because ice cream has no bones! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha*clap**clap**clap*
Betty White to play Catwoman in Batman 3
'Betty White died December 31, 2021. In her memory, we present this oldie from September 21, 2010.

HOLLYWOOD, California -- Fans of Batman and Betty White were in for quite a treat Monday when WarnerBros.com posted an image on its home page depicting White in costume as Catwoman holding a ball of yarn. When the speculation ran rampant that it was, in fact, an official teaser poster for the untitled Batman 3, UnNews went straight to the source.

"I haven't made a Batman movie in 20 years! Now, scram!" said an annoyed Tim Burton when we approached him. Turns out, we had the wrong "source."

Greece: Get vaccinated or Zeus will smite you
The Hellenic Republic (or Greece, if you're cool) announced Tuesday that all persons aged 60 or older are required to be vaccinated by January 2022 or else Zeus will "smite" them. The birthplace of democracy, philosophy, mythology and early religion, science, math, wrestling, Trojan condoms and the Olympics is making no bones about where they stand on the vaccine issue. "Oh my Apollo and Artemis, what's it gonna take to get through to you people?!!!" pondered Greek Prime Minister Kyriakos Mitsotakis. "I would say it is the price for health. It is also an act of justice for the vaccinated. It's not right that they are deprived of health care services because of some putz. If you're one of those kólos, then may Zeus have mercy on your soul."
Girl remembers "breakup song" threat all too well
Nashville, Tennessee: Local country girl Jacqueline Rogers recounted her bitter breakup to our UnNews correspondent, for no particular reason other than wanting to let something off her chest that she remembered all too well.

"So like, it started off like any relationship worth a damn starts, right? We're totally head-over-heels for each other, we can't imagine living apart, and we bone like, all the damn time."

The UnNews correspondent asked if he was neglectful in using condoms, as that is a common early red flag in relationships.

I want you, bitch!

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Your horoscope for today: Sometimes your life feels like one long Game of Thrones episode with constant backstabbing, scheming for power, and lustful desire to take your pork your sibling.

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UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible.