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Friday, May 7, 2021, 04:07 (UTC)
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  COLUMBUS, Indiana -- Psycho Christian white supremacist former Vice President Mike Pence has gotten himself into another pickle. Only this time, it's quite literally a pickle. The former VP discovered that he had turned into a former cucumber.
"No explanation at all," Pence told Newsmax Tuesday. "I just woke up one day and discovered I had turned into a pickle. I know the European Union turned President Trump into a walrus, and former Press Secretary... What was that bastard's name again?... into an eggman, but I believe they wouldn't waste their time on me. I believe it was Hillary Clinton, Obama, The Bidens, the Kennedys, The Addams Family, Rosie O'Donnell, Britney Spears, Oprah, Steve Harvey and those goddamned liberal Democrats who stole the election from me-- I mean, us!"
 TORONTO – A recent study finds that the resemblance of toast can be found on the face of Jesus in several pictures. Most of us have seen the face of Ronald Mc Donald in the randomly distributed rocks of the Martian surface, the Virgin Mary in a grilled cheese sandwich or the Mona Lisa in yo' Mama’s pubic hair. Faces are everywhere thanks to millions of years of evolution wiring our brains to spot them. Now, scientists at the University of Toronto have shown that this Pareidolia effect works two ways.
 LOS ANGELES, California -- In February, Lady Gaga's bull dogs were stolen and then returned. Now, a month and a half later, we have learned more about the incident and the perpetrators.
The perps have been described as an unidentified, tall, lanky caucasian male (John Doe 1) and an unidentified short, stocky caucasian male (John Doe 2). They were working as henchman for
 an unidentified caucasian woman with half-black/half-white hair
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 Horoscopes See all Your horoscope for today: Your partner is really into the whole 50 Shades of Grey thing, but she takes it a little too seriously this week when she climbs on top of you, calling you a worthless piece of shit, and beats you unconscious.
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