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Wednesday, April 23, 2025, 06:20 (UTC)
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BREAKING NEWS: Pope Francis dies at LXXXVIII
  HOLLYWOOD -- Comedian Chris Rock has announced that he will be writing, directing, producing and starring in a Vatican sequel to his 2003 political satire Head of State.
"You know, that movie Conclave made a shitload of money and won a fuckton of awards," Rock says, "and it got me thinking, Has there ever been a Black pope? Then I did my research and there wasn't been one since at least the invention of photography. It's speculated we've had three in the last 2,000 years, but n----s didn't have Polaroid or Kodak back then. Shit, that's older than Nosferatu, older than Shakespeare." He added, "I thought back to Head of State and thought to myself, Why don't I go back and do all that same shit in the Vatican? It'd be fucking hilarious!"  WASHINGTON, DC - Long standing
 "What country are you from?"
"What?" "What ain't no country I've ever heard of! Do they speak English in What?" APRIL VALLEY -- Things are not looking so bright and gay this Easter, with the inauguration of newly appointed Chief Easter Bunny January Q. Irontail.
Originally, the new Chief Easter Bunny was expected to be Peter Cottontail upon the retirement of Colonel Wellington B. Bunny. However, Irontail challenged him for the position with a contest based on who could deliver the most eggs. The contest should've been a piece of a carrot cake, but instead served as Irontail's springboard to power. In a shocking upset that will be debated by political analysts for generations, ol' Irontail won. It seems Peter was the bunny that overslept, while Irontail managed to deliver exactly one egg to a napping citizen, making him the winner by default. The indubitable lesson: Don't sleep on politics. While the contest and its outcome are entirely fair within the rules of the April Valley constitution, conspiracy theories afloat about Irontail engaging in fowl play. Irontail has denied accusations of interference, instead going on the offense against Cottontail, accusing him of being a habitual fibber. Though not the most pleasant or likeable rabbit, Irontail has managed to culminate a legion of cult followers ready to cling to his every word and carry out his will, eponymously known as QBunnon.
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 Your horoscope for today: A celebrity death sets off a chain of events, as a friend of yours posts a message of condolence with a fucking :( emoticon in it, and you duly bludgeon him to death with his own laptop.
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