WASHINGTON -- Special Presidential Envoy for Climate John Kerry announced Wednesday that he now identifies as a horse. There had been rumors of his equestrian nature going back to his 2004 presidential campaign. Rumors and crackpot conspiracy theories also suggested he was Frankenstein's Monster, Herman Munster or Lurch.
"Today I'd like to announce that, yes, I am indeed a horse," Kerry, who has also been a senator and Secretary of State, said in his press release. "I have been transitioning since October."
Last Thursday, a man was seen robbing 20 bananas from the American Palm Exceptional Supermarket (APES). He put the bananas in a red bag saying DK and instantly ran out of the supermarket like The Flash drag-racing Superman. Thankfully, the police caught him and arrested him. He was sentenced to 8 years in jail. The man, whose name has not ben released, said that Donkey Kong told him to, “Donkey Kong told me that he wanted 20 bananas”.
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