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Saturday, August 13, 2022, 13:07 (UTC)
  HOLLYWOOD -- ABC has set a two-hour Norman Lear 100th birthday special for a September premiere, in the hopes that the legendary creator-producer of All in the Family, Maude, The Jeffersons, One Day at a Time, Sanford and Son and Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman will "croak."
"Look, Norm, 100 years is a good run," says Hulu Originals and ABC Entertainment president Craig Erwich, "but... it's time, you bloody old bastard. When you're the same age as Nosferatu, you know you've been around too long." It's speculated that the celebrities toasting Lear in the upcoming special will have not particularly nice things to say about him.  KABUL, AFGHANISTAN -- It is a sad, mournful day, as the leader of Al-Qaeda, Ayman al-Zawahiri, attempts to flex his fearlessness by challenging a dementia patient and current president Joseph "ro-Binette" Biden to a daring game of Connect 4. al-Zawahiri lost due to his rudimentary mastery of numbers and counting, forgetting how to count to the number "4." The man was so sure that he would beat Uncle Sam's Carnotaurus Rex that he even put a monstrous wager of $25M, which was enough for a whole entire lawyer's student debt to be decreased by about 24%.
Biden flew in his own commercial airliner, commissioned by renowned masseuse Taylor Swift all the way to Kabul's International Airport in Eastern Afghanistan. They met outside the airport and drove in a suspicious Toyota Corolla with a white paint-job into the town full of suspicious Toyota Corollas with white paint-jobs. From there, they settled themselves into Kim Barker's old apartment and set up a folding table, with Biden presenting the popular children's game to the Islamic warlord.
  National Fart Month is the United Kingdom's largest rectal health campaign, held annually across August, though unofficially celebrated the rest of the year as well in bars, gyms, and bedrooms. Formerly 'National Fart Week' it is now one of the biggest not-for-profit rectal health events in Europe; it attracts thousands of event coordinators, men, and cloven-footed animals, and reaches dozens of people with rectal health information. National Fart Month is run by the largest supplier of gas to the UK, a UK-based buttocks health charity, and 'Stinky's Tavern'. In 2022 the campaign will take place between August 1 and August 31, with every Tuesday off to recuperate.
 Last night, at a Jewish girl’s birthday party, they invited a gentile friend. To the friend the chocolate alef-beys cookies looked quite appetising. He grabbed one, and put it in his mouth, chewed and swallowed.
 Yesterday, Tuesday, the 32nd, a Florida woman stole all the scalpels from a local hospital. Due to the shortage, no circumcisions were performed that day. What she did with them is that she melted them into one big scalpel, beheading all the doctors in the circumcision wing. The woman was unidentifiable. But after a DNA test, it confirmed she was Jewish. She told the cops why she did it. She said “babies feel pain. No cut. No pain. Just wash no STD no cheese. The earth is flat and I’ll bite off your testicle. Keep talking to me and I’ll bite the entire cock off.”
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