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Wednesday, November 13, 2019, 12:14 (UTC)
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  HOLLYWOOD -- People Magazine has revealed the Sexiest Man Dead for 2019... Hollywood icon James Dean. Born February 8, 1931, in Marion Indiana, James Byron Dean became a teen rebel in two Hollywood classics -- East of Eden and Rebel Without a Cause -- before dying in a car crash September 30, 1955, at the age of 24. He released one last movie, the posthumous Giant.
Now, nearly 65 years later, Dean is ready for his comeback. He has been announced to star in a 2020 movie about the Vietnam War. "Back in my day, it was impossible for a dead guy to get any work," Dean says. "Now with the futuristic computer whosits and whatsits and gizmos, I can play my old, unzombied self for all eternity. On the flip side, I can forgo computers and do horror movies. I'm talking with Greg Nicotero about guest starring on The Walking Dead."
  HOLLYWOOD -- Two days ago, Empire magazine performed a Satanic ritual involving the huffing of a cat to resurrect the corpse of noted filmmaker Stanley Kubrick, director of films such as 2001: A Space Odyssey, The Shining, and other films you may have seen in a class back in college or have heard about from some of your more hipstery friends, or saw on TCM.
Kubrick died in 1999 of a heart attack at the age of 70. Upon his decaying remains being supernaturally awakened, the first thing Empire thought to ask Kubrick was the filmmaker’s thoughts on the Marvel Cinematic Universe. “What the hell is the MCU?” the deceased auteur was reported as asking. ATLANTA, Georgia -- Baby boomers and hipster cinephiles are furious after learning that cable giant Comcast has moved Turner Classic Movies to their sports package, removing it from all other packages. This sports package is approximately $10 extra, which is prohibitively expensive for most.
"All I wanted to do was watch a Godzilla marathon!" says Seymour Flix of Denver. "I can't afford Criterion. I don't need 400 channels to watch the Broncos! I don't give a shit if they beat the Chiefs. I only care about if Godzilla beats Rodan."
  Horror icon Sid Haig has died. In memoriam, UnNews presents this Alexander Haig obituary from our archives.
21 February 2010 SOMEWHERE, the World -- I tuned in late Friday morning to reviledly-conservative cable news channel Faux News, when the scroll reported that somebody by the name of Haig was in critical condition for something or another. They didn't specify, but I believe it may have been incurable old people’s disease. They have since announced that Haig has died from whatever condition s/he had. The only Haig I know of is horror and exploitation cult icon Sid Haig.
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 Horoscopes See all Your horoscope for today: The only way you can get through hearing Katy Perry's Roar another time at the gym, is pretending that the word is her euphemism for breaking wind.
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