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Wednesday, April 24, 2024, 03:37 (UTC)
Climate activists ruin Jackson Pollock painting, no one notices
NATIONAL GALLERY OF ART, Washington, D.C. -- Climate activists have thrown pumpkin soup at a painting by Jackson Pollock -- his famous Number 1, 1950 (also known as Lavender Mist). However, it took four hours for anyone to notice.

"Ladies and gentlemen," a museum curator warned, "a group of activists, some of them French, entered the museum and vandalized Pollock's Lavender Mist! We are working to restore this beautiful work of art."

Museum patrons were unfazed.

"Doesn't look any different to me," said one.

North Pole elves go on strike
UnNews:North Pole elves go on strike
NORTH POLE -- The labor movement that has swept the world in 2023 -- including Hollywood writers and actors, auto workers, hotel workers, UPS Teamsters, Washington Post journalists, Amazon workers, Starbucks employees, etc. -- has inevitably made its way to Santa's Workshop. Santa's Elves, represented by The Toymakers Guild of the Arctic, has announced that they, too, are going on strike. The elves cite low pay, Artificial intelligence and environmental concerns that Mr. Claus has failed to address during contract negotiations.

"The fat guy wants AI to take our jobs," says TGA President Jingles, as he puffed on a Cuban cigar and coughed up a lung. "The audacity! He says the bots could make twice as many toys. Sure, but they'd all be shit. We busted our asses to make enough PS5's three years ago! But at least the goddamn things worked."

Chief Negotiator Tinsel chimed in: "He wants to replace the sleigh-and-reindeer with a 1966 Pontiac GTO! Not even electric! I mean, that's one way to use the coal we're not giving the naughty kids. And the four headlights are bright enough to put poor Rudolph out of work forever, and his pension is shit."
Saw X still the only logical candidate for Best Picture
UnNews:Saw X still the only logical candidate for Best Picture
HOLLYWOOD, Los Angeles -- As the 2023 movie season is slowly ending, many film followers begin to realize that the only logical choice for the next Best Picture Award at the upcoming Oscars in nothing but the wonderful and soulful horror film known as Saw X. Moreover, no one would make a scary Donald Trump face if Tobin Bell would win Best Actor too at the age of 81, as the previous one was awarded to a Canadian whale. Given the fact that some of the latest Best Pictures were either Mexican, Korean, Chinese, or were directed by women or Farrellys, and that Joe Biden is about to reign until he is 87, it wouldn't be the most far-fetched thing in the world. If Tobin Bell would continue to play Jigsaw until he is 87 too, that would mean we have at least two or three more Saw movies and +9–11% at Rotten Tomatoes to look forward to. Which is always cool.

SAG-AFTRA strike ends so that GOP candidates can act like clowns
UnNews:SAG-AFTRA strike ends so that GOP candidates can act like clowns
MIAMI, Florida -- Just mere hours before Wednesday's NBC Republican Primary Debate was to take place, actors union SAG-AFTRA, on strike for 118 days, finally announced that they had reached a tentative deal on their new three-year contract. It wasn't Stranger Things 5 or allowing Timothee Chalamet or Jason Momoa to promote their upcoming films (Wonka and Aquaman 2, if you're curious) when they host SNL this week and next that sped up the process -- it was the Republican debate. "Republican politicians have one of the hardest jobs in the world -- lying to people. And that includes the art and craft of acting like a clown. They are Method actors in that regard," says SAG-AFTRA president and TV's The Nanny Fran Drescher in a statement on her official Instagram. "Republican politicians put a lot of hard work into their craft and must be allowed to act like idiots. They do a better job at it than most SNL cast members. And yet they never get compensated or awarded for it. But now with this new contract, that's all about to change."
Uncyclopedia writers end strike after 146 days
UnNews:Uncyclopedia writers end strike after 146 days
Uncyclopedia's brilliant writers have finally reached a deal with that greedy bastard Lyrithya to finally start paying us to make this shit up for a living. All we're waiting on now is to perfect the language of the contract, which is to say to add gratuitous profanity just to make us seem pretentiously intellectual.

But like a kid on Christmas, we got too excited to wait to share the details that we ironed out with you Beverly Hills fat cats with fifteen yachts and five hot wives and bad toupees.

Good writers will be paid $1 million per individual letter of each article they write. However, veteran writers such as PF4Eva, Leverage and Kippy will be paid $50 million per article. That's not a typo. We're finally making not just money, period, but Tom Hanks money. Robert Downey Jr. money. I can finally afford that castle beach house in Malibu!

All Uncyclopedia and UnNews writers who suck will be promptly replaced by robots and AI. No one will notice. Most of them are European spambots anyway.

I want you, bitch!

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