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Sunday, May 15, 2022, 00:50 (UTC)

UnNews update: Breaking news as it happens…

End of update: More on this story as it develops.

Björk farts for the first time in 7 years, wins Eurovision Song Contest
UnNews:Björk farts for the first time in 7 years, wins Eurovision Song Contest
EUROVISION SONG CONTEST 2019, JERUSALEM -- Björk's first fart in almost 7 years wins the Eurovision Song Contest, over a month before the contest actually takes place in Lisbon, Portugal. This was made possible by the extremely high complexity and quality of the fart, achieved by Björk eating nothing but hummus for the last 7 years. The Icelandic singer was on a long vacation in Israel while releasing the fart, which legally makes it an Israeli fart.

Hollywood changes its name to Hollynwood
UnNews:Hollywood changes its name to Hollynwood
HOLLYNWOOD, California -- In light of the recent apocalyptic events in Hollywood, in which Alec Baldwin has killed his director of photography, Halyna Hutchins, and Will Smith has bitchslapped Chris Rock during the Oscars six months later, and has left the Academy in result, Hollywood has finally decided to permanently change its name to Hollynwood. The American neighborhood's new name is a reference to "Weird Al" Yankovic's hometown of Lynwood, California. Thus, Hollynwood is claiming that it has become a complete parody of itself.

The historic Hollywood Sign on Mount Lee, Santa Monica would soon receive its tenth letter, N, which will be colored black instead of the traditional white, to honor the letter N and its black heritage.

In addition, Alec Baldwin's name will be permanently changed into Al Baldwin, and Will Smith's name into Weird Smith.
SNL noob Aristotle Athari blasts SNL for lack of screen time
LIVE FROM NEW YORK -- SNL star Melissa Villaseñor is joining a chorus of fans on social media blasting the Lorne Michaels institution for the reduced screen time of new cast member Aristotle Athari.

"I agree," Villaseñor said on Twitter, "that new guy needs more screen time. What's his name again? Socrates Ninthendo? Plato Segha? Nostradamus Playsthation 2?"

She added, "I love when he played that B&H Photo employee who did that Fiddler on the Roof routine. And that game show where he played the contestant who spotted the word 'porn' in that word search."

By comparison, fellow newcomers James Austin Johnson and Sarah Sherman have gotten considerate screen time.

Russia sanctions Peppa Pig
UnNews:Russia sanctions Peppa Pig
MOSCOW, Russia -- “It has been clear for many years,” announced the conqueror of Chechnya, “that George Pig is merely a façade, promoting the homosexual lifestyle with which the degenerate west wishes to enfeeble Russian youth. No more, shall young boys in Nizhny Novgorod be subject to the temper tantrums of Peppa Pig simply because nationalist thugs in London wish Russian boys to be terrified of their own shadows."
Vladimir Putin's mother issues apology from afterlife
UnNews:Vladimir Putin's mother issues apology from afterlife
HOLLYWOOD, Los Angeles: In the wake of President Vladimir Putin's full-scale invasion of Ukraine, a shocking development occurred in Los Angeles, as his mother, Maria Ivanovna Putina, came back from the afterlife to deliver a heart-wrenching video message to her son, both chastising him for his actions and apologizing for her shortcomings as his parent. The video, recorded by Hollywood actress AnnaLynn McCord due to complications in how travel between the afterlife and mortal world works, was widely disseminated over social media and seems to have tugged at the heartstrings of everyone who saw it, with the tragic exception, it seems, of Putin himself.

I want you, bitch!

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