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Turning over a news leaf
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Saturday, February 16, 2019, 02:15 (UTC)
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  UNITED STATES -- Thursday night, the news broke that National Enquirer publisher and former Donald Trump ally David Pecker (hee-hee) was planning to blackmail Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos with pictures of the retail giant's own pecker. That's right, a guy named Pecker wants to expose Jeff Bezos's John Dingell for the whole world to see.
But that's not all. Even though Pecker (I'm sorry, I can't do this) already sold out Trump (whose last name means "fart" in English slang) on his crimes and porn star Stormy Daniels hush money scandal, Pecker contacted Carter Page and the recently-arrested Roger Stone. Even Trump himself is involved in the scandal, in spite of all this, possibly due to an alliance with Saudi Arabia, a country that is quite known for its snakes.
  By Sir-Mix-A-Lot. What up, yo? Back in 1992, I famously declared "I like big butts and I cannot lie." Well, guess what? A word to you thick soul sisters, science agrees with me. In fact, those silicone parts really are made for toys. According to a recent study by the University of Oxford, women with bodacious booties are smarter and healthier, plus they're more likely to give birth to smarter children.
 Theresa May today announced a breakthrough in the Brexit process. It is understood that her latest deal gained a super-majority in Parliament, with 573 MPs supporting the deal and 69 opposing.
For several months May's Brexit deal had been blocked due to the Northern Irish backstop issue, the radical policy shift which broke the deadlock was announced just hours ago, with the Queen herself taking the rare constitutional action of terminating Northern Ireland's membership of the United Kingdom. This instantly solved the border issue with Ireland, while simultaneously completing the peace process started with the Good Friday agreement.
  TEL AVIV -- Eurovision Song Contest 2018 winner and extremely cool person Netta has just released her follow-up to the ESC winning song "Toy", called "Bassa Sababa". The song's title could be translated as "Cool Bomber", or rather "Wonderful Depression", or rather "Lame, I'm So Happy".
This is, of course, not the first hit song dealing with depression in an uplifting manner. Almost every Type O Negative tune could be described as Bassa Sababa. Netta will probably perform her new song on the upcoming Eurovision Song Contest 2019 in Tel Aviv, which will be hosted by Sports Illustrated veteran Bar Refaeli and 3 additional people. Bar is still as hot as ever, if someone wondered.
 Musical comedian and "Eat It" hitmaker "Weird Al" Yankovic is the latest artist to wash his hands of R. Kelly in the wake of disturbing allegations that have resurfaced due to the six-part Surviving R. Kelly documentary miniseries on Lifetime. Lady Gaga and Celine Dion have already removed their collaborations from streaming services, Gaga replacing hers with a version featuring Christina Aguilera. Yankovic is removing from streaming not a collaboration, but a parody of Kelly's grandiose 42-minute R&B opera, "Trapped in the Closet," entitled, "Trapped in the Drive-Thru."
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