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Saturday, October 31, 2020, 03:19 (UTC)
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  Hallowe'en is upon us, that terrifying season when the worlds of the living and the dead overlap and beings from the Netherworld walk among us. For millennia, mankind has feared this most unholy of times, and has reacted by creating and perfecting traditions to protect us from evil apparitions, demons and other unspeakable monsters that could bring harm to our bodies and souls. The Wiccan Health Organization (WHO) and the Center for Deceased Control (CDC) insist that Halloween 2020 is to be the most dangerous in decades with a full moon occurring that night, and the date falling within such close proximity to a Friday the 13th next month. Now more than ever is the time to take the proper precautions to protect yourselves from supernatural evil.
However, there's a growing movement in modern society to ignore the holiday and its traditions, ultimately leaving us all vulnerable. These people are commonly known as anti-maskers, since they refuse to wear spooky costumes when they go out in public. It would be one thing if they were only putting themselves at risk, but their apathy and carelessness empowers the ghouls and monsters and potentially spreads them to other people's houses.
  SANTA MIRA, California -- With eight more days till Halloween, Silver Shamrock Novelties is hoping for a successful season despite the possibility of COVID-19 shutting down the popular trick-or-treating holiday. A scandal involving COVID facemasks, 5G technology, Halloween, and druids is the last thing they need right now.
The Santa Mira Blarney published a damning exposé Thursday, but the news got buried by coverage of the final presidential debate between Donald Trump and Joe Biden. In the Blarney article, Silver Shamrock has embedded every facemask on the market with microchips from the legendary Stonehenge.
 WASHINGTON -- Donald Trump, the impeached, tax-evading 45th President of the United States of America, has announced that he and Melania have tested positive for COVID-19, one of the trendiest health crises since polio. He has since been taken to Walter Reed Medical Center, the same hospital he went to after he had all those strokes.
"I shouldn't have drunk all that Corona," he joked(?) in the announcing tweet. Trump and a few shady "doctors" have tried everything from hydroxychloroquine to drinking Kool-AId to drinking bleach to ingesting the Sun.  On Tuesday, October 6, 2020, the unthinkable happened. The rock and guitar worlds lost one of their mightiest titans. I lost one of my teenage heroes. The world said "Happy Trails" to one of the greatest guitarists to ever fret, bend, whammy or tap a note. A god among men. Nijmegen's favorite son, Eddie Van Halen.
 The Center for Disease Control released a statement this week recommending that Americans eat their own boogers to curb the spread of coronavirus. A months-long study shows eating boogers to be the most effective strategy in the battle against COVID-19; much more effective than social distancing, washing hands or coughing into a condom. The science behind booger-eating is that the virus typical gets trapped in mucus, which crusts over and encloses the virus. Before the virus can escape, you have to eat it and let it be destroyed by stomach acids.
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 Horoscopes See all Your horoscope for today: This week you discover a weird trick which leads to you having a perfect six pack. Be careful though, if you choose to advertise this fact online, there is a good chance that gyms will hate you.
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