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Sunday, December 22, 2024, 09:00 (UTC)

President pardons Princess Peach and Blossom
UnNews:President pardons Princess Peach and Blossom
WASHINGTON -- It's the week of Thanksgiving, so naturally President Biden has partaken in a long-running ― and bizarre ― presidential tradition. The 46th POTUS has officially pardoned Princess Peach, and Blossom and The Big Bang Theory star Mayim Bialik. "Although the United States does not recognize titles of nobility," the President said while pardoning Peach, "I feel it is my duty as president to protect this young princess from the evil clutches of that bastard lizard, King Koopa, or is it Bowser?" [It's both. ― Ed.] He then pointed his finger as he taunted the reptilian monarch, "I don't care how many piano ballads you sing in an Elton John style... Leave her the hell alone, Jack!"
Epstein pal President-elect Trump picks sex trafficking pedophile Matt Gaetz as attorney general
UnNews:Epstein pal President-elect Trump picks sex trafficking pedophile Matt Gaetz as attorney general
Sex pestophile Matt Gaetz has pulled out of attorney general. He obviously can't go back to the House, even he he literally gets down on his knees and begs like James Brown. The House Ethics Committee was deadlocked on whether or not to release its Gaetz report.

Trump has instead selected former Florida attorney general, Scientology shill, and Silicon Valley lobbyist Pam Bondi as his new AG pick. She's 59 but looks like Kelly Bundy. She's a Trump loyalist who served as one of his defense lawyers at his first impeachment trial. Trump is the first president to ever be impeached twice and will soon be the first to be impeached three times, unless all that McDonald's and KFC finally does its job... and not the one Trump made a fool of himself doing as a PR stunt.

Pam Bondi is also what EON and MGM are calling the upcoming female reboot of James Bond.

Upon hearing the news, Stranger Things actor Brett Gelman asked Gaetz, "So... How was the pull-out?"

Trump picks Led Zeppelin to lead EPA
UnNews:Trump picks Led Zeppelin to lead EPA
MAR-A-LAGO, Palm Beach, Florida -- Kamala Harris Donald Trump emerged victorious in a shockingly and appallingly close race, and is packing her his cabinet with some of the best people in Washington even more signs of his dementia. Grover Cleveland 2.0 just announced that he has selected legendary rock band Led Zeppelin to lead the EPA in his new administration.
Obama smears poop on day care
UnNews:Obama smears poop on day care
October 4, 2023 (published November 12, 2024)

EAST RUTHERFORD, New Jersey -- America is reacting to a shocking bit of news that will seriously impact the next four years... former president Barack Obama has smeared poop on a daycare.

"I just felt like it," the 44th POTUS tells UnNews at a time when actors and writers are on strike and Joe Biden will obviously be re-elected next year in a landslide and no conservative comedians have made disgusting "jokes" about Puerto Rico.

"Three-and-a-half years of Democratic rule and a normal president is frankly... boring," he continues. "I miss the chaos, the tweets, the dementia-addled ramblings, and the gross attempts at insurrection. They were the worst years of any American's life, but hey, at least it wasn't boring. What's a little poop now and then? Don't answer that."


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Your horoscope for today: Inspired by the story of St George, you decide to dress up as a knight and kill a dragon. Unfortunately, that was the only Komodo dragon that the city zoo had, and the visitors were really upset, especially the kids.


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UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible.

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