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Friday, October 22, 2021, 04:02 (UTC)
Journalists unable to wait for the 20th anniversary of 9/11
UnNews:Journalists unable to wait for the 20th anniversary of 9/11
From the UnNews Archives:

Friday, September 11, 2020

MIDDLE EAST — Above UnNews correspondent Kakun's desk hangs a giant digital clock counting backwards. The display reads "364 DAYS 23 HRS 59 MIN 60 SEC." It is faithfully counting down the seconds before September 11, 2021, the twenty-year anniversary of the September 11 attacks, and the date when Kakun will finally have a justifiable reason to publish VFH-worthy material about the passion and bravery of the Americans who survived the attack, and the fundamental and lasting traumas that day inflicted upon our human psyche.

But Kakun cannot wait.

"Holy Moses, man, I just need one little fix, just one, man," whines Kakun, shaking visibly, as he slips lighting his Samsung and types "TWENTY YEARS LATER, THE WORLD REMEMBERS SEPTEMBER 11."

Alzheimer's advocacy group offended by 'Never Forget'
UnNews:Alzheimer's advocacy group offended by 'Never Forget'
From the UnNews Archives:

Monday, September 12, 2016

NEW YORK CITY -- When will the time come to break the taboo of making fun of 9/11? A Walmart Coke display resembling the Twin Towers sparked outrage, as did an ad for a 9/11 sale at San Antonio's Miracle Mattress. And a recent CNN article condemned both stunts; the writer of that article seriously needs to grow up and quit being a fucking baby.

And now, an Alzheimer's advocacy group is riding the political correctness dick train. Alzheimer's advocacy group Delivering Americans' Memories Newly and Overriding (A)Lzheimer's Disease ("we're working on the name," the group says) is taking unjustified offense against the 9/11 slogan, "Never Forget."

"This slogan is deeply offensive to the Alzheimer's community," says DAMNOLD president Ethel Matlock. "Alzheimer's sufferers struggle every day with their memories; some don't even remember their own names. How the hell would you expect them to remember 9/11?"
Millennial ABBA cover group The A*Teens reunite after 40 years
UnNews:Millennial ABBA cover group The A*Teens reunite after 40 years
Sunday, September 4, 2044

STOCKHOLM, Sweden -- 40 years after their breakup, Millennial ABBA cover group The A*Teens are finally reuniting for a new album and a virtual tour.

"We're back," said Amit Paul, who turns 61 in October. "It’s been a while since we made music together. Almost 40 years, actually. We took a break back in 2002, and pursued solo careers, did voice over work, or did boring day jobs like flame retardants and polymer chemistry. Who the hell wants to do that? And now we’ve decided it’s time to end it [this break]. They say it’s foolhardy to wait more than 40 years between albums, so we’ve recorded a follow-up to our Greatest Hits album. We simply call it A*Teen Again because we're desperately trying to recapture our youth. God, I hope none of us croak."

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