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Where a news broom sweeps clean
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Friday, July 19, 2024, 08:38 (UTC)
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BREAKING NEWS: Bob Newhart dies
  Despite Pride Month still technically being celebrated as of the creation of this article, most Americans have seemingly forgot about the celebration, preparing for Independence Day,[1], which they think is the only holiday after Memorial Day. This abnormal switch in focus has being dubbed by scientists as collective amnesia, and they are now claiming that Pride Month is a free PR move for big companies under the guise of advocating for the gays. Seeking to capture this in-between time, we at UnNews have sent one of our finest reporters across the nation to see if anyone cared about the purpose of Pride Month.
This is the transcript for one of the reporter's exclusive interviews, which was with Nickelodeon's former president Herb Scannell. All offensive slurs have been removed, but if you'd rather be more like Patrick Bateman than a sane person, you can find the uncensored version here.
  HI, HOW are you? I'm Stephen Root and I am a character actor. You may remember me from the NBC sitcom NewsRadio. Or perhaps as Milton from the cult classic Office Space. Buck Strickland from King of the Hill? Dwight Dixon from Pushing Daisies? That guy from Dodgeball? Coontz from RoboCop 3? The principal from the movie Buffy the Vampire Slayer. giving detention slips to vampires and corpses? That blind white guy from Get Out? That was all me. Humble brag. I am writing to my fellow character actors because I have a special message to deliver to the world.
Hollywood character actors are dropping like flies. Just in 2024 we've lost Carl Weathers, Hawaii Five-O actor Tamayo Perry to a shark attack, actor-sumo wrestler-mixed-martial-artist Taylor Wily, tough-guy actor Tony Lo Bianco, Friday the 13th Part 4 actor Erich Anderson, benevolent Bernard Hill, tough-guy actor Richard Foronjy, and Die Hard 2 janitor Tom Bowers (the creator of SAGIndie - which is designed to simply the process of hiring union actors like us for your independent films). We've already lost 80s comedy bad guy Dabney Coleman, that Black guy in every show Bill Cobbs, and that white guy with that mustache in every show Martin Mull. Yes, we lost my Buffy co-star Donald Sutherland, but we was very much a leading man. Damn good supporting actor, too. The Biden-Trump debate was one of the debates of all time. Now you can relive the underwhelming embarrassment all over again with our full transcript.
 The Russian parliament is currently embroiled in an intense scandal which could upend the entire structure of the nation. The scandal is about an alleged photo of
  Just a few minutes ago, 79-year old West Virginian hillbilly Billy Bob Stewart, affectionately known by his two sisters as Husband Billy Bob, has just became the first man to touch a rainbow. Ever since he was born in a coal mine in 1945, he had always wanted to do this incredible feat, but due to being in permanent servitude to Big Coal at the time, this dream would not materialize. Despite that, when he was drafted in the army in 1965 for Vietnam, he would get his first chance, seeing a rainbow deep into Vietcong territory.
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 Horoscopes See all Your horoscope for today: After making some crass, uninformed remarks at work, you defend yourself by explaining you are simply training to be the next Republican candidate. |
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