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Friday, July 18, 2025, 00:00 (UTC)
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BREAKING NEWS: Stranger Things 5 "teaser" trailer that's literally a full-ass trailer, featuring Deep Purple's "Child in Time"
 NEW JERSEY--- Former president Barack Obama told Democrats at a private fundraiser Friday to "toughen up, you fucking pussies!" amid socio-political unrest with dementia-ridden President Trump and his crumbling MAGA movement.
"You need to get off your white pansy asses, man up and do something," Obama said as he took a huge bite out of a gritty chunk of wood and hocked a massive, bloody loogie containing two teeth. "This isn't a fucking Disney movie. We have a Bat Fuck Insane, old-folks-home-patient fascist leading the most powerful nation on Earth. That's shit's alarming. This is the motherfucker with the nuclear codes! He's cozied up to Big Tech cocksuckers like that dumb r----d Elon Musk. Trump is just now trying to act tough and 'stand up' to Putin. Bitch, we can see through that shit! Get better material!," the 44th president added as he chewed on some heavy tobacco and coughed up a lung.  [LOCATION REDACTED] -- Superhero Trumpman, the only known crimefighter with the skin tone of a grapefruit, has officially introduced his new car, dubbed the Trumpmobile. Which, let's be honest, is just a Cybertruck with the Trumpman symbol on the car doors and the likeness of President Donald Trump on the front for some strange reason.
"Oh, don't worry about that," Trumpman says. "Elon was working on it from February to March, before we... before he and President Trump had that nasty falling out over that One Big Beautiful Bill. I'm so disappointed in Elon. But the Cybertruck is a nice vehicle, especially when it doesn't explode." The Trumpmobile isn't much different from a regular Cybertruck, but it does go 200 miles per hour, can get you out of speeding tickets, and even features a urinal.  Elongated Muskrat has for the umpteenth time opened fire on current President of the United States Grumpy Trumpy, this time over the jaw-dropping $5 trillion debt limit hike baked into the so-called "Big Beautiful Bill" that has passed the Senate today, an act that apparently requires one actual understanding minus one actual understanding of how economics work beyond "big number go up = good".
Naturally, Musk stormed onto 𝕏 to accuse Trump of trying to bankrupt the States faster it takes one Tesla Cybertruck to detonate in front of a condominium skyscraper, imparting his intention to vie against the Annoying Orange himself in the 2028 general election as head honcho of the freshly minted and baked "Porky Pig Party", a deliberately alliterative counterpoint designed to underscore the folly of the Big Beautiful Bill. "Democrats are so dumb, and Republicans are too, and honestly, the whole two-party thing is just prehistoric nonsense", Musk stated in a livestream broadcast from a Cybertruck slowly circling some random pig farm in Texas. "So I figured, what America needs isn't left or right; it's a party that stutters, goes commando, and isn't afraid to throw some crispy bacon into the political grease. If we’re crashing, might as well do it squealing loud". SOMEBODY'S POISONED THE FUCKING WATERHOLE!! WE'RE ALL GONNA FUCKING DIE!!!!!!!
LISTEN THE FUCK UP, YOU AREN'T GONNA WANT TO MISS THIS ADDRESS TO THE CITY FOLK. BECAUSE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WITH BIOLOGICAL EVILDOERS SUCH AS THE SCOUNDREL IN QUESTION, THE FATE OF YOUR LIVES DEPENDS ON IT! AT AROUND 10:60 AM IN THE FUCKING MORNING WE GOT SOME REPORTS OF THE WATERHOLE BEING POISONED!!! BEPLAGUED, I TELL YOU! INFECTED WITH A HARMFUL SUBSTANCE! THE WATERHOLE'S WATER IS NO LONGER SAFE FOR YOUR TONGUES NOR YOUR LUNGS! Elon Musk and Donald Trump, once partners in crime (and sex) are going through a rough patch due to the two men's dispute about cheeses. A leaked recording from a hidden microphone in the White House revealed what may be the conversation that that sent Elon over the edge in his disagreement with Trump. You could say it drove a "wedge" between them (get it?)
A transcript of the event is provided in the article.
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 Your horoscope for today: The presence of Pluto in your sign means a lot of ball-licking this week. If you are a girl that means you have to lick balls, if you are a guy that means you are going to get your balls licked. That is how the cosmic balance of the universe works.
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