UnNews:Phil Collins unretires after Earth-shattering orgasm

Reborn, rehydrated and rearranging Sheila's guts.

Sunday, May 4, 2025

Croydon, LONDON -- Legendary musician Phil Collins has officially come out of retirement – kudos to what he describes as a "physical, spine-liquefying orgy of divine proportions". According to sources close to Collins, the former Genesis frontman had been in deep retirement, content with not hitting another cymbal until death, a lucrative biopic, or an unexpected tax audit.

But that all changed during a seemingly mundane Sunday morning, when a ferocious wave of bodily ecstasy rocketed through his 74-year-old frame mid-coitus. "It was like that drum solo in In the Air Tonight, but in my pelvis", Collins said in a press conference, legs trembling, eyes glazed over like a man reborn. "I felt the snare drum of life slap me back into relevance", Collins reportedly moaned, before throwing a tambourine across the room.

Eyewitnesses claim he immediately sprang from his hospital bed, naked except for a sock and a bass pedal, screaming the lyrics to an unreleased track believed to be titled You Can't Hurry Lust, accompanied by what another hospital patient described as "aggressively sensual triangle playing". Medical professionals have called the incident "clinically impossible", whilst Genius users are scrambling to define the genre of "post-coital prog rock".

Collins' upcoming comeback tour, tentatively titled "The Second Cumming", promises pyrotechnics, sensual percussion solos, and a 12-minute rendition of Sussudio performed entirely through thrusts, groans and moans. Fans are to expect full-body drum harnesses, tantric lighting, and a stage shaped like a pair of interlocked kettledrums. Early merchandise concepts include "I Paused My Wank To Be Here" T-shirts sold exclusively in puke green and indigo.

The first show will reportedly open with a brand-new track titled "Against All Odds (Look at Me Now, I'm Erect)", followed by a three-song encore and a group cuddle. Collins has confirmed that this will be the last comeback on the stipulation that his appendix does not evolve into a new erogenous zone, in which case all bets and pants are off.

Sources

• Kitty Chrisp "Musicians never seem to retire – and its sic all down to orgasms" Metro, May 4, 2025