From today's featured article
Good morning, children! I see you've already taken your seats. Let me introduce myself for the new kid who joined us today, Jodie. My name is Mr. Garrison and I'm the best teacher in the whole world. I'm also YOUR teacher, so I guess you should feel extremely lucky this morning. So let me tell you some stuff about myself, so that we know each other better, and break the ice between us, before we get to the actual school day.
Butters, please pay attention.
So I'm going to write the title of each paragraph of my biography on the blackboard, like I am reading an Uncyclopedia article about myself to you. You all know what Uncyclopedia is, right? Butters, you know what Uncyclopedia is? Good. So let's just begin with my early days as a charming kid in Nebraska or something.
When I grew up in Nebraska or something, which is a lovely state in south America or something, I was growing up with my father and mother who both had a heavy southern accent. (Full article...)
Did you know...
- ... that Cafeteria food (Pictured) is not generally edible?
- ... that if you put an ear up to a person's leg you can hear them say, "What the fuck are you doing?"
- ... that Afghanistan is known for its lush dirt farms, where dirt and dust are cultivated by villagers to enhance the scenic emptiness for which the region is known?
- ... that the rumors that you are paranoid were started by someone who's out to get you?
- ... that Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales lost his virginity at age 34, but he found it again at age 35?
- ... that under Communism, everyone gets a C?
- ... that the Virgin Birth is no longer considered a miracle? Women have been giving birth to virgins for centuries!
- ... that if you die in Canada, you die in real life?
In the news
- Late delivery: Demi Lovato and a hurricane team up to fix a supercomputer by turning it off and then back on
- Viggo Mortensen joins Next James Bond
- The movie Casablanca is 80 years old. Here's Looking At You, Kid!
- President pardons Türkiye
- Pennsylvania: Should I vote for Mike Doyle or Mike Doyle?
- People in Los Angeles have another thing to make their lives more miserable
- Benedict Cumberbatch: Doctor Strange 2 a better horror movie than Halloween Ends
- Russian people are sick of being Russians
- You won't believe who dies on The Crown
- Mmm mmm mmm mmm
On this day
- 1834 - Wheeling Jesuit University is founded, alumni annoys everyone they meet by complaining about Wheeling Jesuit University.
- 1870 - The Fifteenth Amendment is ratified, guaranteeing voting rights for all people in about ninety or so years.
- 1933 - Adolf Hitler steals Austria, other Europeans demand he gives it back, but he covers his ears and goes "nananana."
- 1966 - The Soviet Union hides people inside tiny compartments to operate probes which land on moon.
- 1993 - Bill Murray finally escapes from a 10,000 year long time loop, will have to live with the knowledge he has fucked a groundhog at least twelve times.
- 1995 - First woman to pilot a Space Shuttle accidentally lands it on Europa, a moon on Jupiter.
Picture of the day
Other areas of Uncyclopedia
- How to be funny and not just stupid – for help with that comedy thing
- Policies and guidelines – for the boring rules no one follows
- Formatting – for help on editing
- Requested articles – for inspiration, or lack thereof
- Village Dump – to throw angry invectives at other users
- Community portal – for general community shenanigans
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