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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

White people (also delicately called Crackas, Caucasians, Europoids and Honkies) are pasty, melanin-deficient humans who have been sprinkled throughout the planet to exploit its resources and boss around everyone of more humble colors. White people are allegedly smart (in ways that don't really matter) and complain about stupid stuff, even though they have it better than every other race. Despite having more privilege than can fit in a human body, they don't believe this is the case and in fact, feel entitled to even more and want to you know this all the time. In fact, whites love to hear themselves talk so much that they assemble entire collections of their own words (known as books) which are mostly about them.

Whites discriminate against everyone else. Non-whites, by comparison, don't discriminate against whites, because they don't have majority power, so it isn't discrimination even if they do. This means that even if a Chinese person said the most outrageous sounding racist thing against a cracker, it wouldn't be racist (see logic in previous sentence). If you don't get it, then you're racist. (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that "crack" is the hood's most effective diet pill? (Pictured)

...that the only cure for the hiccups is an orgasm?
... that more people have been inside Paris Hilton, than in the Hilton in Paris?
... that I just had sex, and hey do you got any napkins?
...Jacking off to more exotic fetishes doesn't make you special?
... that The Great Toilet Paper Famine of 2020 was caused by Uncyclopedians?
... that back in my day, we didn't have no fancy Did you know sections on our wikis? We had to get all of our factoids from the library, like decent folk! And after we walked there barefoot across three counties 'cause bicycles hadn't been invented yet, we had to teach ourselves how to read the books - none of that fancy free-contents education you kids're all on about...
... that Robert Shaw won the Northeast Regional Dogfishing Open in 1974, the first sporting event to be broadcast on the new ESPN network?

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In the news [edit]

The face of HATE!

YouTube child educator Ms. Rachel detained and deported by ICE (Pictured)
Scientists revive some dead wolves because they can
Steve's Lava Chicken shut down due to health code violations
Wayne Gretzky's all-time regular season goal record broken by Putin's Instagram buddyboo
Donald Trump receives prestigious award for destroying the stock market
Kid (and ball) escape narrow car crash
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. engulfs every panda bear in existence
Kardashian and Ye do washed up things
We have road copters
Mummy Pig's pregnancy sparks paternity drama
Heinz Doofenshmirtz finally takes full control over the Tri-State Area
UnNews remembers Michelle Trachtenberg

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Silksong, and Deltarune • Eurovision • Russian Invasion • Israel-Palestine conflict • DOGE budget cuts • Myanmar earthquake • Fatigue over yet another Disney live-action remake • Trump and Xi's tariff games

Recent deaths: Meghan Markle's Netflix show • Kurt from Good Burger • George Foreman • 23andMe • Bruce Glover • Richard Chamberlain • Roger Daltrey's eyes and ears • Val Kilmer • Yoon Suk Yeol's presidency and freedom • Your 401K • Jay North • The playoff bids of all New York State NHL teams

Upcoming deaths: U.S. and Global Economy • Luigi Mangione • Kate Middleton • Laura Palmer • DEI • Columbus Blue Jackets' playoff chances

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On this day [edit]

I told you man, I TOLD you about stairs!

April 13: National Falling Down The Stairs Day (United States)

1 AD - Jesus Christ and the Buddha form the seminal gangster rap duo, Shakyamuni and the JC.
1597 - The first Yo mamma joke: "Thy moth'r wast so bacon-fed those gents did need a tree to pierce her maidenhead."
1984 - Ingsoc releases minitrue-approved rap artist "Doubleplus Hardcore", is disbanded after recording song Fuck Tha Thoughtpolice.
1985 - The Space Shuttle Challenger is dubbed "Unexplodable" by NASA at a news conference.
1997 - Tiger Woods becomes the youngest player to win the Masters Tournament by getting a hole in one in every round that he has played.
2009 - Popular webcomic Homestuck gets created, eventually creates a fandom full of teen angsty emos that will doom the Internet for the rest of its lifespan.
2010 - EU demands cash from Iceland. Iceland sends ash, Europe buggered for weeks.

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And they said it couldn't be done.

Image credit: Tom mayfair
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