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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

Hello. It looks like you're worrying if you'll go to Heaven or not. If you're worrying, that probably means you've done something utterly terrible in your life, like defrauding pensioners or sticking your gum under the desk. If that's the case, you're probably already screwed, but there's always a chance for redemption. According to some modern pre-conceptions, of course, anyone who lives in the twenty-first century will never get there, but these are the same people who think a Jewish zombie will save us all, so what do they know? Cast your peepers over the following article and you'll not only learn how to get into Heaven, but also how to make the most of your time there! (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... cluck gawk cluck cluck cluck cluck bock bock cluck cluck B`gawk? (Pictured)

... that a bomb shelter is the safest place to hide explosives?
... that many children in third world countries don't have enough to eat, but most have access to the Food Network?
... that a very large number of events, both noteworthy and non-noteworthy, occurred in 1993?
... that if you put an ear up to a person's leg you can hear them say, "What the fuck are you doing?"
... that if you put an ear up to a person's leg you can hear them say, "What the fuck are you doing?"
... that in an experiment known as Monty Hall problem, if you never make up your mind about which door to choose, the goat behind the door will grow tired and burst out?
... that the sky is up and the ground is down, except in Australia where the opposite is true?

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In the news [edit]

Not moi baybee!

Dingo eats a woman's baby (Pictured)
Interview: A Brief Chat About Uncyclopedia with Uncyclopedian and Lucky star.
Indy police: former NFL quarterback Mark Sanchez literally butt-fumbles in real life
Trump receives COVID vaccine despite supporters making their entire personalities being against it for years
The US government continues to shit itself
Starmer unveils new digital ID cards to help further monitor citizens' pornography intake
BoJo and Co. politely ask Nigel Farage to stop lifting children
Omaha man's order of salmon sliders indistinguishable from salmon burgers
Charlie Kirk gets l+ratio'd during a speech in Utah
Sheeranism officially legalised in Yankeeland
Angela Rayner defects to Reform UK
Hollow Knight: Silksong gets released; Steam crashes for the second time this year
Some mega pop star and her football player boyfriend get engaged. Yaaay.
NFL teams replace female cheerleaders with gay dudes

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Stranger Things 5 and Spaceballs 2 • Russia-Ukraine "peace talks" • ICE/Antifa clashes • Trump and Elon's couples therapy • Jerry Jones screwing the Dallas Cowboys • Pregnant moms taking Tylenol to give their babies "autism powers" • Democrats and Republicans throwing hissy fits in D.C. • World Series (now featuring endless innings!) • The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince

Recent deaths: Trump's pet sloth • Robert Redford • U.S. Federal Government • Jane Goodall • The Yankees' World Series dreams • Diane Keaton • Gaza War • Drew Struzan • Windows 10 • D'Angelo • YouTube player's old design • A guitarist and a security guard from KISS • June Lockhart

Upcoming deaths: DEI • Iran's nuclear program • Diddy's bank account • MSNBC • Donald Trump • Aforementioned Tylenol moms • Mark Butt-fumble's career• Coral reefs • Capitalism in NYC • MLB fans' sleep schedules • Jamaica, at the hands of Hurricane Melissa

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On this day [edit]

November 1: International Destroy Tokyo Day

1136 - Tokyo found destroyed. General consensus is that a wizard did it.
1952 - As part of the weapons program Operation Ivy, the U.S. successfully detonates a 10 megaton hydrogen bomb in Eniwetok atoll, located in the Marshall Islands. Most historians regard this as Godzilla's birthday. Godzilla celebrates it every year by attempting to destroy Tokyo, or, if Tokyo is under attack from another monster, by saving Tokyo.
1953 - Mothra hatches from an egg, destroys Tokyo.
1965 - Birthday of Gamera. Gamera gets his ass handed to him before he can destroy Tokyo by Godzilla. Since Tokyo was not in any immediate danger, Godzilla destroys Tokyo.
1967 - Cookie Monster born, then destroys Tokyo.
1973 - Tokyo explodes.

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Picture of the day

Movie poster for the epic film, Grue vs. Grue.

Image credit: Sliferjam
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