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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

Rembrandt Harmenarciszus van Rijn (15 July 1606 – 4 October 1669) was a Dutch painter and etcher. He is generally considered to have had the most beautiful eyes in Europe as well as an absolutely fabulous fashion sense. He had a brilliantly meticulous hand that could put on edge every bristle of his brush, though by using the right restraint a brush in that beautiful, fine-haired right hand would typically be pent-up for hours until finally exploding all over the canvas with bright egg tempera. He is possibly best-known for his immense portfolio of self-portraits, each one exhibiting hundreds of unique and admirable aspects of his exquisite face, as well as his ravishing brown overalls and distinctively sexy posture, though regretably he had an ear too many and so was undermined in fame posthumously. Stars ranging from Fonzie to Elton John to Enya to everyone in Paris have cited him as an instrumental inspiration, though ultimately Rembrandt is inimitable. (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that Canadian baseball (Pictured) is a thing?

...that the only cure for the hiccups is an orgasm?
... that suicide is an answer to every problem, just not a very good one?
... that you can fry a potato but not a potatoe, according to the Potato-tomato theorem?
... that the only way to survive a massive nuclear blast is to crouch underneath your desk?
... that in 2007 the Department of Homeland Security released a series of informative pamphlets on surviving a terrorist attack?
... that a chicken-proof lawn is impeckable?
... that the amount of cats in the area is directly proportionate to the distance from the Hot Dog factory?

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In the news [edit]

Double the straw, double the awe.

Microsoft publicly announces Quantum Cocaine, with the aim of speeding up both Windows 11 devices and reality (Pictured)
Trump ought to create Nazi tanks, with the help of Elon Musk
Support our fake album and win a free Palestinian!
The Philadelphia Eagles steal the NFL's script and prevent the Kansas City Chiefs from 3‑peating
- Philadelphia will burn to the ground as a result.
- Taylor Swift also begins writing her new breakup song for Travis Kelce; it goes something like "Dreamed of a 3‑peat, but you fumbled the play – Lost the Super Bowl and me the same day."
Ye has officially lost his fucking mind for the millionth time
Donald Trump announces grand opening of the Sierra Gaza
Biden announced as new Bond after signing with CAA
- Harris announced as new Bond girl
Trump Taken audition leaked
Kendrick Lamar wins five Grammys AND performs Not Like Us at the SuperBowl to over 100 million people, much to Drake's dismay

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI • Eurovision Song Contest • Russian Invasion • Israel‑Hamas conflict • ICE rounding up illegal immigrants • Taylor Swift's very unlucky, no good year • Eagles fans rioting and eating horseshit in celebration, again

Recent deaths: Yoon Suk Yeol's presidency and freedom • David Lynch • Bob Uecker • Dame Joan Plowright • The Kansas City Chiefs Dynasty and Patrick Mahomes's legacy • A One Direction reunion

Upcoming deaths: Jay‑Z's career and freedom • Luigi Mangione • Kate Middleton • Your New Year's resolutions • Los Angeles • Laura Palmer • DEI, for better or for worse • Pope Francis

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On this day [edit]

February 26: Famous Last Words Day

323 BC - “You assholes better not split up my Empire right after I die.” – Alexander the Great
1642 - “Sticking up for your beliefs ain't worth it kids.” – Galileo Galilei
1900 - “I should probably say something clever and biting yet also moving and oh shit my spleen.” – Oscar Wilde
1945 - “I can't move my legs, oh God I can't move my legs! Nah, I'm just fucking with you.” – Franklin D. Roosevelt
1955 - “Oh Scheiße, meine windel ist voll! Oh Gott, ich spüre, wie die wässrigen Poop-Flüssigkeiten meine hose hinunterrinnen.” – Albert Einstein
1963 - “Something feels off, don't you think?” – John F. Kennedy
1968 - “Maybe there's still hope for white people after all.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.
1994 - “I still don't get why they called me tricky dick. My name's Richard, not tricky.” – Richard Nixon
2001 - “Goddamnit.” – Dale Earnhardt

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Say kids, is that Jihad thirsty work or what? Get some refreshment with a Fantanatic!

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