From today's featured article
Jimmy Blackman is widely regarded as being tied for being the greatest man, tied with his brother, Jimmy Mozzarella. Enlisted in the Marine Corps at the age of three, he retired, obtained every medal, and became a professional bank robber in the Mozzarella crime family.
Jimmy Blackman was born on December 6, 1969. Born out of a can of beans, he was the only member of the Jimmy family to come out of the can of beans fully grown. At the age of three, Jimmy decided to enlist in the U.S Marine Corps. Blackman was quickly rising through the ranks until he became the General of the Military at the age of six. Deployed in Vietnam, he, just like his brother, fought in the Vietnam War. Except, Blackman fought every single battle in Vietnam. How? Who knows, it's Jimmy Blackman, he can do anything. Jimmy was severely injured in the Hue-Da Nang Campaign, due to an accidental explosion of white phosphorus. However, he remained in the hospital for only three hours before he returned to battle, making mince meat of the Vietcong soldiers. Months later, Blackman stole a shit load of white phosphorus and immediately launched it on unsuspecting civilians. Hilarious! (Full article...)
Did you know...
- ... the secret to good advertising is to lie? (Pictured)
- ... that in 1933, the Supreme Court accidentally repealed the 19th Amendment instead of the 18th Amendment, causing FDR - who abused Eleanor while he was in a wheelchair - to be reelected three more times due to women being banned from voting in the 1930's and 1940's?
- ... that there is one imposter among us?
- ... that in the Mesozoic Era, toasters ruled the earth?
- ... that Wikipedia features DYKs about mosaic floors that were discovered between 1932 and 1939?
- ... that Ben Stiller's face makes everything funny?
- ... that the process of dying and coming back to life as a cow is known as reincownation?
- ... that in Baltimore, Maryland, it is a violation of statute to dress up as a clown and to make fun balloon animals to give to children and molest them with?
In the news
- President pardons Türkiye (Pictured)
- Pennsylvania: Should I vote for Mike Doyle or Mike Doyle?
- People in Los Angeles have another thing to make their lives more miserable
- Benedict Cumberbatch: Doctor Strange 2 a better horror movie than Halloween Ends
- Russian people are sick of being Russians
- You won't believe who dies on The Crown
- Mmm mmm mmm mmm
- Late delivery: Ayman al-Zawahiri loses a Connect 4 matchup against Joe Biden
- ABC waiting for Norman Lear to "croak"
- Gigli becomes highest grossing film of all time
- Survivor is getting a real-death spinoff
- Opinion: Yes, I'm a Twihard. Let me explain
- UK judge desperate to cancel Julia Louis-Dreyfus
On this day
- 1718 - King Charles XII of Sweden dies during an especially brutal lovemaking session with one of his Saracen boytoys.
- 1786 - The Grand Duchy of Tuscany, under Pietro Leopoldo I, bans the inhumane but totally awesome practice of crushing people to death with Elephants.
- 1825 - World's first railway line opens between Stockten and Darlington, England. Rail commuters are left waiting for a train until 1849. British Rail blames immigrants and good weather for the delay.
- 1872 - First ever football (soccer) match ends in 0-0 draw; people inexplicably decide to keep playing anyway.
- 1947 - Civil war in Palestine begins, leading to the worst case of Jews stealing your land since my house was taken in the divorce. Fuck you Nicole.
- 1966 - Barbados becomes independent from the United Kingdom, never liked barbados anyway ;_; texts the UK.
- 1982 - Michael Jackson's second solo album, Thriller is released worldwide. Jackson uses money from record sales to buy himself a new nose.
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