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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

Freedom is an abstract concept invented by American politicians who needed a word that could convince people to let them do whatever they wanted and still get reelected. In its most basic form, freedom means everything people in America love, and everything people outside of America – especially terrorists, communists, and the French – hate. Let's say, for example, that I approach Martha Barlow, an American housewife with two children, as she pulls a warm apple pie out of her oven and ask her what she thinks of freedom. She'd probably say it's pretty darn great! In the next room her husband Joe, tired after a long but rewarding day at the office, is watching a baseball game and eating a TV dinner. Asked how he felt about freedom, he'd probably also say it's pretty darn great! Now, let's go next door to their neighbor's house, where the Gilberts, two French Muslim lesbians, live. Ask them about freedom, and what would they say? "Why, being French, Muslim, gay, and also socialist, which the sexy, sexy narrator previously failed to mention, I hold in my heart an unrelenting disdain for freedom, and I hope, but not pray because I'm also an atheist, for the day in which all the world is ruled by a single, oppressive communist regime. Now, if you'll excuse me, my partner and I need to go dress up in our maid outfits so we can engage in hot, godless, kinky lesbian sex." Mmmm, yeah. (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that Big Bird was the guest of honor on a special Thanksgiving episode of Sesame Street? (Pictured)

... that 98% of Americans have no idea what they would do in a hypothetical situation?
... that in the Mesozoic Era, toasters ruled the earth?
... that your car is rolling down the driveway right now?
... that an umbrella is a magical object that is used in many cultures to discourage rainfall?
... that the comic strip Fred Basset is interesting but not in the sense that might be expected of a comic strip?
... that you've just lost the game?
... that colorless green ideas sleep furiously?

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In the news [edit]

only in ohio

Smokey the Bear revealed to be cause of LA fires
The Ohio State wins skibidi championship rizz (Pictured)
- In an alternate universe, Notre Dame wins and saves us all from this monstrosity
Elon Musk "accidentally" does a tribute to.. y'know
Time travelers protest Trump's inauguration, reveal we're stuck in a time loop
Taylor Swift and Hailee Steinfeld set for Celebrity Deathmatch as Bills-Chiefs halftime show
TikTok gets banned and unbanned in the US within 24 hours.
Who's performing at Trump inauguration? (2025)
David Lynch dies, weird town to investigate
Los Angeles Rams rest starters in playoff game; backups tush-pushed out of playoffs
Donald Trump given three Nobel Peace Prizes
Donald Trump uses his get out of jail free card
California's real estate market is on fire... literally.
- And in shambles.
- Steve Guttenberg comes to the rescue... without those goofy sound effects
South Korea's president arrested for "accidentally" declaring martial law while ordering pizza, sentenced to play in the Squid Game
Trudeau resigns after making a mess for a decade, Canucks rejoice
Alcohol gets the Surgeon General's Warning for cancer; sparking "Dry January" chaos
Jimmy Carter kicks bucket at the ripe old age of 100
Panama Canal faces ominous threats from both global warming and Donald Trump
Google reveals least popular searches of 2024
Luigi arraigned for gunning down health insurance CEO; pleads not guilty

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI • Eurovision Song Contest • Russian Invasion • Israel–Hamas conflict • United States presidential election aftermath • Ohio State championship win memes from Gen Alpha • Another Josh Allen/Patrick Mahomes playoff game. Spoiler Alert: refs rig game for Chiefs again

Recent deaths: Greg Gumbel • Jimmy Carter • Liberal Party of Canada • Aaron Rodgers' career • Jean-Marie Le Pen • Peter Yarrow • Anita Bryant • Yoon Suk Yeol's presidency and freedom • David Lynch • Bob Uecker • Dame Joan Plowright

Upcoming deaths: TikTok, for real this time • The Kansas City ~~Chiefs~~ Refs season • Bashar al-Assad • Diddy's freedom • Jay‑Z's career and freedom • Luigi Mangione • Kate Middleton • Your New Year's resolutions • Los Angeles • Israel–Hamas conflict • Laura Palmer

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On this day [edit]

"Grant, your hands are really sticky. Please let go of me Grant. Grant."

January 26: Civil War Day

1850 - After months of grueling compromises, Congress manages to avoid Civil War by rescheduling it another eleven years or so. Someone else's problem.
1870 - After American Civil War, the process of reconstruction is well underway especially in Virginia, where slavery (with extra steps) is being reintroduced.
1874 - The surrender of Robert E. Lee to Ulysses S. Grant is commemorated in a special postage stamp (Pictured), which is sold for the ridiculously expensive price of 10¢.
1917 - The Russian Civil War is delayed another several months as both sides attempt to discern their ideological differences.
1918 - The Finnish Civil War starts after a disagreement over which color to feature in the Finnish flag, eventually, the Whites and Blues compromise.
1992 - Boris Yeltsin promises not to nuke any American cities after he forgets the keys to his Nuclear Football in a bar somewhere in Rostov.

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