UnNews:Keir Starmer to place national ban on VPNs
Tuesday, August 5, 2025
WESTMINSTER, England -- Rumour has it that Prime Minister of the United Kingdom Queer Harmer is to place a nationwide ban on VPNs later this month, in the name of cleansing the nation – or to be more precise, his cabinet – free of porn addicts who dare fail to comply with the government's brand arse-spanking new Online Doxx Yourself Act through disguising their filthy little IP addresses.
Starmer's justification was a now-familiar, increasingly frantic refrain: "Think of the children... and the women and girls, think of them too... but mostly the children!" The Daily Mail claims that Starmer shouted this through a megaphone made entirely of shredded Pornhub gift cards, whilst standing atop a ceremonial bonfire of confiscated USB sticks and DVDs.
The ban will apply to all VPN usage, meaning that if a citizen dares to go on holiday in Madrid and wants to access BBC iPlayer, they can sod off and read a book instead, just like in the good olden days of yore. Government officials insist that it is a necessity to prevent widespread moral collapse, citing a leaked memo in which Starmer allegedly described VPN users as "ghoulish sexpests who jerk off in the shadows".
A public petition to repeal the new Act gained over 400,000 signatures in less than a week, but has been swiftly ignored by the government, who are currently working closely with Ofcom and Sister Judith's Purity Battalion to meet Starmer's demands and make sure every citizen is viewing content only with state-approved levels of randiness.
According to new government publications, those caught using VPNs will be subject to a £600 fine, 12 hours of forced eye contact with a statue of Tony Blair, automatic subscription to The Daily Telegraph, one-on-one shame counselling with Jacob Rees-Mogg (unclothed from the collarbone up) and capital punishment.
Us at UnNews prognosticate that by September a nationwide veto on ad-blockers will be imposed under Captain Hindsight's increasingly unhinged prime ministership, and a veto on incognito mode in October, and a veto on blinking in November. By Yuletide, children – the very people Starmer claims to want to protect – can expect to receive their state-issued Eye-Openers™ as gifts, a revolutionary blend of eye clamps and unskippable Starmer speeches regarding the dangers of "gratification without regulation".
In related news, Reform UK leader Nigel Farage, who made a solemn pledge to abrogate the Act himself should he receive just enough votes and a decent pint in the forthcoming 2029 general election, has already been denounced as a "kiddy fiddler in the making" by overzealous Labour voters enthusiastic for authoritarianism.
Farage responded by storming out of a rough pub, waving a pint and shouting, "I only wanted to watch a tit-bit of vintage cleavage, not collapse civilisation!" He later made a guest appearance this Monday on GBeebies to clarify he believes in "freedom, free enterprise and tasteful sideboob". As per usual, the broadcast pulled in an estimated audience of ten viewers, two thousand fewer than S4C's broadcast of the Welsh-language dubbing of Postman Pat.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Dave Snelling "Free VPN warning issued to all Brits as new online adult site rules confirmed" Daily Star, August 2, 2025
- Steerpike "Labour minister: Nigel Farage is on Jimmy Savile’s side" The Spectator, July 29, 2025