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Portal:Portals

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Portal Portal
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A Portal is an introductory page for a given topic. It features selected articles, pictures, news and other content relevant to a topic, providing a general overview of content readers and editors might otherwise not find just randomly smashing the "Random article" button.

Portals are the best way to start exploring Uncyclopedia. Or, they would be, if it wasn't for the fact that most people don't really care about them, so they aren't really edited that much. But we can always pretend that they're active, for the sake of maintaining a minimum of credibility as an encyclopaedic wiki.

The following content is randomly taken from any of the portal blurbs used in each topic page.

Today's Random Article
Sternman.jpg

After four award-winning dissertations on molecular theory, thirteen publications authored on non-Newtonian calculus, and positions of professor emeritus granted by all eight Ivy League institutions, I have at long last come to one definitive conclusion about the state of affairs in the world today; what is direly needed on a global scale is a far greater frequency of hot, indiscriminate sex. Ideally, this sex should be with me.

The world is wrought with injustice – millions live in poverty while the elite classes live in perfect luxury. Racism, sexism, disease and hatred are a central issue in every culture in the world. I could go on about the trials and tribulations of humanity but this has been done extensively by countless others, and to a degree that I could not match with my primarily scientific and mathematic academic expertise. However, what I can say with confidence is that instead of sitting here typing as I am now, I strongly feel I should be fiercely pounding my meatstick into the sloppy snatch of the hot blonde who was in line in front of me at the supermarket today. (See more...)

Written by So So
Today's Random Biography
Joseph conrad.jpg

Joseph Conrad you say? Heh, I knew such a man once, he was, what you might call... a Pole. Therein lies the problem you see, for he was not what might be described as a thin rounded piece of wood, perhaps adorned with a flag, perhaps not. Nor was he an extremity of an axis through a sphere. No! Begad good sir! He was a native of Poland. You see now, he was an impenetrable mystery, that Conrad—always cadging for blow too, but that's another story. Wait, no it isn't.

His early life you say? Well, 'tis presumptuous to assume I would provide you with this particular chap's tale. Yes, I may be an old seaman, but yarn spinning is not my forte good sir. No indeed, one can probably tell from my unsophisticated vernacular that I—Marlow, a man of humble origins and humble endings—would have such skills. But Conrad, my God man, he had eyes that could pierce a man's soul; his lips were thin and pale like eels; his very skull seemed to cry "I am depressed!" or something of that nature. One night he came to me in my quarters, screaming (and I quote): "Marlow! Marlow! It is my fate that I should wander these halls like a ghost, festering away my... genius! Why should such a man as you presume yourself beneficiary to this ship eh? What? Speak up man!" (End quote.) Needless to say I was startled, not least because than man was fully nude. My word. Crack is one hell of a drug, I could tell you that twice, but I shan't for brevity is man's saving grace and I shan't waste your time dilly-dallying hither and thither with no clear end in sight, indeed that would be a tedious practice for all parties involved, not least myself, or any other party for that matter. (See more...)

Today's Random Picture
Auteur Spatiotemporel.jpg
I am a coal-truck / by a broken heart / I have no sound / the sound of my heart / I am not.
Image by Cédric Spatiotemprel
Did You Know?
  • ... that a baby's heads is far too wide for a father's hips?
  • ... that the more you drink, the funnier things are?
  • ... that Karl Marx is considered to be the father of Comedism?
  • ... that comedians aren't your friends and don't really want to talk about their day?
  • ... that Jesus is coming, so try and look busy?
  • ... that in Poland, Polish jokes are just called jokes?
  • ... that a group of two men or more is called a podcast?
  • ... that no bumper stickers were harmed in the making of this list?
Do It Yourself
Portal page directory

Uncyclopedia:Portals · Category:Uncyclopedia Portals

All Portal topics
Portal blurbs
Portal templates
Portal stylesheets
Portal source code examples

Here is the source code for the Platonic ideal of a portal page. For creating new portal pages, change portal-platonic to the name of your new portal topic, like portal-crabs. 

{{#css:Uncyclopedia:Portals/styles.css}}{{PortalNav}}
<div class="portal-container portal-platonic">
<!-- INTRO -->
<div class="portal-row portal-panel">
<div class="portal-panel-header">{{Portal header|Platonic Portal}}</div>
<div class="portal-panel-content">{{/Intro}}</div>
</div>
<!-- HIGHLIGHTS -->
<div class="portal-row portal-highlights">
<!-- HIGHLIGHTS COLUMN 1 -->
<div class="portal-highlights-column">
<div class="portal-panel portal-blurb">
<div class="portal-panel-header">{{Portal header|Featured Article|Selected Articles}}</div>
<div class="portal-panel-content">{{/Selected Articles}}</div>
</div>
</div>
<!-- HIGHLIGHTS COLUMN 2 -->
<div class="portal-highlights-column">
<div class="portal-panel portal-blurb">
<div class="portal-panel-header">{{Portal header|Featured Image|Selected Pictures}}</div>
<div class="portal-panel-content">{{/Selected Pictures}}</div>
</div>
<div class="portal-panel">
<div class="portal-panel-header">{{Portal header|Did You Know?|Did You Know}}</div>
<div class="portal-panel-content">{{PortalDYK|Portal:Platonic/Did You Know|6}}</div> <!-- Make sure to change Portal:Platonic to correct topic name -->
</div>
</div>
</div>
<!-- BOTTOM ROWS -->
<div class="portal-row portal-panel">
<div class="portal-panel-header">More Portals</div>
<div class="portal-panel-content">{{Topics}}</div>
</div>
</div>
[[Category:Uncyclopedia Portals]]

Here is the example code for an "article blurb" subpage, used in Portal article blurbs, Portal biographical blurbs and so on. 

<noinclude><gallery>
File:Article1.jpg|[[Article1]]
File:Article2.jpg|[[Article2]]
</gallery></noinclude>
<includeonly><choose>
<option>{{Selected article
|article = Article1
|image = Article1.jpg
|author =
|summary =
}}</option>
<option>{{Selected article
|article = Article2
|image = Article2.jpg
|author =
|summary =
}}</option>
</choose></includeonly><noinclude>
[[Category:Portal article blurbs]] <!-- Other category names: [[Category:Portal biographical blurbs]], [[Category:Portal featurette blurbs]], [[Category:Portal news blurbs]] -->
</noinclude>

Here is the example code for a "picture blurb" subpage, used in Portal picture blurbs. 

<noinclude><gallery>
File:Picture1.png
File:Picture2.png
</gallery></noinclude>
<includeonly><choose>
<option>{{Selected picture
|image = Picture1.png
|credit = 
|caption = 
}}</option>
<option>{{Selected picture
|image = Picture2.png
|credit = 
|caption = 
}}</option>
</choose></includeonly><noinclude>
[[Category:Portal picture blurbs]]
</noinclude>

Here is the example code for a "DYK page", used in Portal DYK blurbs. Note that rather than transcluding the subpage directly, portal pages use {{PortalDYK}} to extract bulleted list items from a specified subpage. 

<!-- 
DYK entries should look like this:

*... that blah blah blah blah blah?

NOTE: Templates will show up as raw text instead of the actual template. That means no {{SP}} or {{noun}} or anything other than standard wikitext. Sorry!
  -->
<noinclude><h2>Full DYK list</h2></noinclude>
*... that [[example]] one?
*... that example ''two''?
*... that example '''''three'''''?
<noinclude>[[Category:Portal DYK blurbs]]</noinclude>
More Portals
Portals complement topics that nobody cares about and expand upon topics that everybody cares even less about.
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