UnNews:Jury convicts Minnesota lawmaker Nicole Mitchell of burglary after lawyer is unable to remember what the trial is about

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July 24, 2025

A picture of Nicole Mitchell taken in 2023. Why does she look like she's grimacing?

This Friday, Democratic Minnesota senator Nicole Mitchell was convicted of a crime she did in 2024: attempting a heist on her estranged stepmother. Reports say she attempted the heist to gain the legendary diamond her stepmother owned: the famous Starfleet Diamond.

Said to originally have been acquired by Captain Kirk, a member of the intergalactic exploration group Starfleet who traveled from the future to the 21st century for unknown reasons, the Starfleet Diamond is a gem desired by many for its immense beauty.

The jury for Nicole Mitchell's trial consisted of Kippy, Taylor Swift, Mr. Clean, Deadpool, Captain Obvious, Wario, a hamster, Yoda, a Grue, and Bob. Her lawyer was none other than the superhero Captain Oblivious.

The trial was a short one. The Senator's lawyer stood up, only to scratch his head and ask all who were gathered at the trial, "Who am I?" Captain Oblivious could not provide a suitable statement for the defense of Nicole Mitchell, and the verdict of the jury was unanimous: Guilty.

Following the trial, Becker County Attorney Old McDonald told the jury, "She said she was there to take items, and that readily proves her intent to commit a theft."

Nicole Mitchell faces a minimum of two hundred days in jail for the convictions.

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