Portal:Science

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Science: the study of goop

Science, in the narrow sense of the term, refers to any system of knowledge attained by verifiable means. In a very broad sense of the term, science refers to a system of acquiring unclear ideas based on magical thinking, speculation, peer pressure, and convenience, which are all neatly packaged under the label of "research."

Scientists adhere almost religiously to the scientific method, a process they deem suitable for properly developing and evaluating ludicrous explanations for unobservable phenomena based on hare-brained study and questionable verification. Although science claims to bypass supernatural explanation, science is ultimately based on human observation and consciousness, something fundamentally unknown and unknowable.

Fields of science are commonly classified along three major lines: Supernatural sciences, which study the twilight zone, Anti-Social Sciences, which study subhuman behavior and societies, and the Humanities, which study the effects of alcohol on Post-Grads. Mathematics is not a science, but rather a kind of literature based on symbols rather than words. Engineering is not a science, or even an applied science, but rather a simple rulebook of formulas created by mathematicians to the less developed so they can do the hard work of making bridges and pylons. (See more...)

Featured Article
Artist's conception

Benson's 4-D House of Pancakes (not to be confused with BENSON'S 3-D HOUSE OF PANCAKES) is a hypothetical structure that in modern physics serves as a model for the so-called "universal theorem" that unifies the 4 basic forces and explains time, space, and reality as we know it. The 4-D BHOP was first proposed in 1999 by renowned astrophysicist Stephen Hawking, and scientists generally agree that it is by far the best model for explaining the known universe. The House is a physical building that serves pancakes, and exists perpetually through all of time on the space-time continuum.

Since Benson's 4-D House of Pancakes exists in 4 dimensions, it is difficult for a human to comprehend its nature. The House occupies not only physical space, but also time — in fact, all of time. If one were to be inside the House of Pancakes, they would observe the universe as a static entity, and be able to see it all from its beginning to a hypothetical end. Exiting the House would place one in an essentially random location in the space-time continuum. By the Heisenberg principle, simply calculating where one would theoretically exit would cause the destination to change. (See more...)

Written by Composure1
Featured Biography
Einstein-tongue.jpg

Albert "Frizzy" Einstein (14 March 1879 – 18 April 1955) was a German theoretical physicist noted for his theories of relativity and for being almost as smart as me. When people would thank him and ask him about his theories he never knew what they were talking about, usually answering "You mean those poems?"

Einstein entered the air of Earth's gravitational well in 1879. His father and uncle ran the family business: designing and repairing electrical apparatus running on direct current. As direct current was eventually replaced by Nick Tesla's alternating current, this demonstrated the family's innate foresight into scientific trends. As a boy Albert could be found prowling around, jigging doorknobs, and looking at someone else's stuff. He had a tendency to oversimplify things, and couldn't understand the rules of any game. (See more...)

Featured Lab Equipment
Uniremote.jpg

The Universal Remote Control Everything 3000 is a portable device resembling an ordinary television remote control, except that it's about the size of a laptop and needs to be connected to a local nuclear power station in order to run. The beauty (and some say terror) of the Universal Remote Control Everything 3000 is that it can be used to control all the stuff outside the TV too, including (but not limited to), dogs, fridges, bouncy castles and Cliff Richard. The Remote was the brainchild of an individual who for obvious reasons wishes to remain anonymous, because it was actually Rolf Harris, and Mr. Harris knows the true pain of ridicule.

Few people know this about Rolf, but he is obsessed with watching television to the point of losing sleep and mumbling incoherently. He was furiously attempting to repair his broken television remote control one evening by throwing it around his living room, stamping on it and soaking it in Tesco Value Coke, and he was almost ready to give up hope of fixing it. Suddenly, a random blast of gamma radiation shot out of a nearby budgie with a broken leg, and went straight into Rolf's remote. When he hit the power button a colossal explosion of a sticky red substance filled the room. The sheer scale of what he had actually created dawned upon him. He had in fact inadvertently blown up his dog's head. (See more...)

Did You Know?
  • ... that researchers at the University of Saskatchewan have found a promising way to make lab mice dance for their amusement?
  • ... that the fossil of a strange prehistoric great ape species, named Homo Sapiens, was discovered in Kenya and everywhere else.
  • ... that entropy requires no maintenance?
  • ... that Colorless green ideas sleep furiously, but you shouldn't feel badly for them since they deserve it?
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