Portal:Science

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Science: the study of goop

Science, in the narrow sense of the term, refers to any system of knowledge attained by verifiable means. In a very broad sense of the term, science refers to a system of acquiring unclear ideas based on magical thinking, speculation, peer pressure, and convenience, which are all neatly packaged under the label of "research."

Scientists adhere almost religiously to the scientific method, a process they deem suitable for properly developing and evaluating ludicrous explanations for unobservable phenomena based on hare-brained study and questionable verification. Although science claims to bypass supernatural explanation, science is ultimately based on human observation and consciousness, something fundamentally unknown and unknowable.

Fields of science are commonly classified along three major lines: Supernatural sciences, which study the twilight zone, Anti-Social Sciences, which study subhuman behavior and societies, and the Humanities, which study the effects of alcohol on Post-Grads. Mathematics is not a science, but rather a kind of literature based on symbols rather than words. Engineering is not a science, or even an applied science, but rather a simple rulebook of formulas created by mathematicians to the less developed so they can do the hard work of making bridges and pylons. (See more...)

Featured Article
Space.JPG

Everybody loves the universe. If you can look past the black holes, the rogue asteroids, the gym teachers, and that paper boy who keeps throwing your magazines into the bushes, it's a simple place most of us can call a happy home. It's a good thing. However, even the obviously non-sentient universe has a sense of irony. You see, the universe is going to end. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not 10120 years from now, but it will happen. One of the ways science predicts our inevitable demise is by pissing off God. But that's another story. Instead, another way that science predicts the universe will cease to function is through the "heat death of the universe" theory.

The universe, like all things, has to end. In about 10120 years, even black holes will start disappearing. The universe itself will reach a state where entropy overtakes energy. Here, allow me to demonstrate using this pen. You see how when I write, it loses ink? That's like the universe. Here, allow me to demonstrate further using this grenade. You see when I pulled the pin and threw it out the window it exploded? That's like the universe. Here, allow me to demonstrate still further using this sandwich. See how when I eat it, it goes away? That's not really relevant though. I was just hungry. (See more...)

Written by Cajek
Featured Biography
Scientist and Theologian

James Ussher (1581-1656), Archbishop of Armagh, and Primate of all Ireland, was an important figure in the history of Anglicanism, and one of the most learned men of the early 17th century. He is noted for his contributions to numerous areas of theology, but is now chiefly remembered for his work as a biblical chronologist and scientist, and is widely credited with settling the dispute over the age of the universe. In 1650, Ussher was preparing a sermon as part of his 40 part series on the book of Genesis, a rather brief series by the standard of his day. Ussher decided to focus this sermon on some rather neglected passages, the gist of the sermon's scripture text went like this:

1Adam lived a completely reasonable number of years then begat Seth, 2Seth lived a completely reasonable number of years then begat Enos, 3Enos lived a completely reasonable number of years then begat Cainan, 4Cainan lived a completely reasonable number of years then begat Mahalaleel, 5Mahalaleel lived a completely reasonable number of years then begat Jared, 6And so on... (See more...)
Written by Mnbvcxz
Featured Lab Equipment
Uniremote.jpg

The Universal Remote Control Everything 3000 is a portable device resembling an ordinary television remote control, except that it's about the size of a laptop and needs to be connected to a local nuclear power station in order to run. The beauty (and some say terror) of the Universal Remote Control Everything 3000 is that it can be used to control all the stuff outside the TV too, including (but not limited to), dogs, fridges, bouncy castles and Cliff Richard. The Remote was the brainchild of an individual who for obvious reasons wishes to remain anonymous, because it was actually Rolf Harris, and Mr. Harris knows the true pain of ridicule.

Few people know this about Rolf, but he is obsessed with watching television to the point of losing sleep and mumbling incoherently. He was furiously attempting to repair his broken television remote control one evening by throwing it around his living room, stamping on it and soaking it in Tesco Value Coke, and he was almost ready to give up hope of fixing it. Suddenly, a random blast of gamma radiation shot out of a nearby budgie with a broken leg, and went straight into Rolf's remote. When he hit the power button a colossal explosion of a sticky red substance filled the room. The sheer scale of what he had actually created dawned upon him. He had in fact inadvertently blown up his dog's head. (See more...)

Did You Know?
  • ... that a new class of white dwarf stars was discovered in the data of the Slogan Analog Sky Survey? At the end of its life cycle, the star develops a tomato purée surface and atmosphere?
  • ... that Colorless green ideas sleep furiously, but you shouldn't feel badly for them since they deserve it?
  • ... that the fossil of a strange prehistoric great ape species, named Homo Sapiens, was discovered in Kenya and everywhere else.
  • ... that despite what your 10th grade Chemistry teacher said, neutralizing 4 M of NaOH using a buret is not particularly exciting?
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