Portal:Science

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Science: the study of goop

Science, in the narrow sense of the term, refers to any system of knowledge attained by verifiable means. In a very broad sense of the term, science refers to a system of acquiring unclear ideas based on magical thinking, speculation, peer pressure, and convenience, which are all neatly packaged under the label of "research."

Scientists adhere almost religiously to the scientific method, a process they deem suitable for properly developing and evaluating ludicrous explanations for unobservable phenomena based on hare-brained study and questionable verification. Although science claims to bypass supernatural explanation, science is ultimately based on human observation and consciousness, something fundamentally unknown and unknowable.

Fields of science are commonly classified along three major lines: Supernatural sciences, which study the twilight zone, Anti-Social Sciences, which study subhuman behavior and societies, and the Humanities, which study the effects of alcohol on Post-Grads. Mathematics is not a science, but rather a kind of literature based on symbols rather than words. Engineering is not a science, or even an applied science, but rather a simple rulebook of formulas created by mathematicians to the less developed so they can do the hard work of making bridges and pylons. (See more...)

Featured Article
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After four award-winning dissertations on molecular theory, thirteen publications authored on non-Newtonian calculus, and positions of professor emeritus granted by all eight Ivy League institutions, I have at long last come to one definitive conclusion about the state of affairs in the world today; what is direly needed on a global scale is a far greater frequency of hot, indiscriminate sex. Ideally, this sex should be with me.

The world is wrought with injustice – millions live in poverty while the elite classes live in perfect luxury. Racism, sexism, disease and hatred are a central issue in every culture in the world. I could go on about the trials and tribulations of humanity but this has been done extensively by countless others, and to a degree that I could not match with my primarily scientific and mathematic academic expertise. However, what I can say with confidence is that instead of sitting here typing as I am now, I strongly feel I should be fiercely pounding my meatstick into the sloppy snatch of the hot blonde who was in line in front of me at the supermarket today.

Written by So So
Featured Biography
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Albert "Frizzy" Einstein (14 March 1879 – 18 April 1955) was a German theoretical physicist noted for his theories of relativity and for being almost as smart as me. When people would thank him and ask him about his theories he never knew what they were talking about, usually answering "You mean those poems?"

Einstein entered the air of Earth's gravitational well in 1879. His father and uncle ran the family business: designing and repairing electrical apparatus running on direct current. As direct current was eventually replaced by Nick Tesla's alternating current, this demonstrated the family's innate foresight into scientific trends. As a boy Albert could be found prowling around, jigging doorknobs, and looking at someone else's stuff. He had a tendency to oversimplify things, and couldn't understand the rules of any game.

Featured Lab Equipment
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Electricity is a scam devised by the famous American plagiarist, Thomas Hernia Edison in the late 19th century.

The basis of Edison's scam was his discovery of small gremlin-like creatures called "electrons", which could be coaxed to travel down lengths of copper wire and perform useful tasks along the way. He put together a company called Consummate Edison, Con Ed for short, which offered to sell electrons.

But here is where the scam came in: because electrons are so small they can be seen only by bacteria who have their own microscopes, Edison devised a scheme whereby customers were connected with not only a "live" cable, which allowed the electrons they bought to travel into their homes, but also a discreetly-named "neutral" cable, down which the electrons were sucked back to the electricity factory. Customers could thereby be unwittingly sold the same electrons over and over.

Did You Know?
  • ... that there are more grains of sand on a beach, than there are beaches in a grain of sand?
  • ... that the square root was initially invented for sinister purposes and doesn't actually occur in nature?
  • ... that Pie Charts are available in many flavors, and are especially popular during the holiday season?
  • ... that you don't actually need to know any of this for the test?
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