Portal:Science

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Science: the study of goop

Science, in the narrow sense of the term, refers to any system of knowledge attained by verifiable means. In a very broad sense of the term, science refers to a system of acquiring unclear ideas based on magical thinking, speculation, peer pressure, and convenience, which are all neatly packaged under the label of "research."

Scientists adhere almost religiously to the scientific method, a process they deem suitable for properly developing and evaluating ludicrous explanations for unobservable phenomena based on hare-brained study and questionable verification. Although science claims to bypass supernatural explanation, science is ultimately based on human observation and consciousness, something fundamentally unknown and unknowable.

Fields of science are commonly classified along three major lines: Supernatural sciences, which study the twilight zone, Anti-Social Sciences, which study subhuman behavior and societies, and the Humanities, which study the effects of alcohol on Post-Grads. Mathematics is not a science, but rather a kind of literature based on symbols rather than words. Engineering is not a science, or even an applied science, but rather a simple rulebook of formulas created by mathematicians to the less developed so they can do the hard work of making bridges and pylons. (See more...)

Featured Article
Artist's conception

Benson's 4-D House of Pancakes (not to be confused with BENSON'S 3-D HOUSE OF PANCAKES) is a hypothetical structure that in modern physics serves as a model for the so-called "universal theorem" that unifies the 4 basic forces and explains time, space, and reality as we know it. The 4-D BHOP was first proposed in 1999 by renowned astrophysicist Stephen Hawking, and scientists generally agree that it is by far the best model for explaining the known universe. The House is a physical building that serves pancakes, and exists perpetually through all of time on the space-time continuum.

Since Benson's 4-D House of Pancakes exists in 4 dimensions, it is difficult for a human to comprehend its nature. The House occupies not only physical space, but also time — in fact, all of time. If one were to be inside the House of Pancakes, they would observe the universe as a static entity, and be able to see it all from its beginning to a hypothetical end. Exiting the House would place one in an essentially random location in the space-time continuum. By the Heisenberg principle, simply calculating where one would theoretically exit would cause the destination to change. (See more...)

Written by Composure1
Featured Biography
Inventor of the peanut

George Washington Carver (July 12, 1864 – January 5, 1943) was an African-American botanist and inventor, commonly remembered for discovering over 100 uses for sweet potatoes and 300 for peanuts, including peanut butter. He is also credited with single-handedly rescuing the South from cotton monoculture and inventing crop rotation. All this is complete and utter bullshit. However, he has been correctly identified as the inventor of doing "nuttin'".

Despite popular belief, Carver had absolutely nothing to do with George Washington — or the carving up of George Washington's cherry tree. This may seem silly to some or perhaps startling however this a parody on the distinction between "His" story vs "the" story. Enjoy and don't take it seriously. But know that this is how our history books read! Carver was born into slavery in Missouri in 1864. His mother died while he was an infant and his kindly former slave master raised him and his brother, Benedict Arnold Carver, as their own children. In his infancy, he developed severe lung disease, preventing him from doing any physical work throughout his entire life. (See more...)

Written by Mnbvcxz
Featured Lab Equipment
ElectricityTest.jpg

Electricity is a scam devised by the famous American plagiarist, Thomas Hernia Edison in the late 19th century.

The basis of Edison's scam was his discovery of small gremlin-like creatures called "electrons", which could be coaxed to travel down lengths of copper wire and perform useful tasks along the way. He put together a company called Consummate Edison, Con Ed for short, which offered to sell electrons.

But here is where the scam came in: because electrons are so small they can be seen only by bacteria who have their own microscopes, Edison devised a scheme whereby customers were connected with not only a "live" cable, which allowed the electrons they bought to travel into their homes, but also a discreetly-named "neutral" cable, down which the electrons were sucked back to the electricity factory. Customers could thereby be unwittingly sold the same electrons over and over. (See more...)

Did You Know?
  • ... that Minecraft is an accurate model of the Universe to 18 decimal places?
  • ... that NASA's Planetary Defense Coordination Office announced that an asteroid was set to hit Earth, but later retracted it when the object turned out to be an old DC3 on its way back to the Aviation Museum of Hämeenlinna?
  • ... that you are in fact useless and will grow up to be fuel for this world's economy?
  • ... that the fossil of a strange prehistoric great ape species, named Homo Sapiens, was discovered in Kenya and everywhere else.
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