Portal:Science
Science, in the narrow sense of the term, refers to any system of knowledge attained by verifiable means. In a very broad sense of the term, science refers to a system of acquiring unclear ideas based on magical thinking, speculation, peer pressure, and convenience, which are all neatly packaged under the label of "research."
Scientists adhere almost religiously to the scientific method, a process they deem suitable for properly developing and evaluating ludicrous explanations for unobservable phenomena based on hare-brained study and questionable verification. Although science claims to bypass supernatural explanation, science is ultimately based on human observation and consciousness, something fundamentally unknown and unknowable.
Fields of science are commonly classified along three major lines: Supernatural sciences, which study the twilight zone, Anti-Social Sciences, which study subhuman behavior and societies, and the Humanities, which study the effects of alcohol on Post-Grads. Mathematics is not a science, but rather a kind of literature based on symbols rather than words. Engineering is not a science, or even an applied science, but rather a simple rulebook of formulas created by mathematicians to the less developed so they can do the hard work of making bridges and pylons. (See more...)
Everybody loves the universe. If you can look past the black holes, the rogue asteroids, the gym teachers, and that paper boy who keeps throwing your magazines into the bushes, it's a simple place most of us can call a happy home. It's a good thing. However, even the obviously non-sentient universe has a sense of irony. You see, the universe is going to end. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not 10120 years from now, but it will happen. One of the ways science predicts our inevitable demise is by pissing off God. But that's another story. Instead, another way that science predicts the universe will cease to function is through the "heat death of the universe" theory.
The universe, like all things, has to end. In about 10120 years, even black holes will start disappearing. The universe itself will reach a state where entropy overtakes energy. Here, allow me to demonstrate using this pen. You see how when I write, it loses ink? That's like the universe. Here, allow me to demonstrate further using this grenade. You see when I pulled the pin and threw it out the window it exploded? That's like the universe. Here, allow me to demonstrate still further using this sandwich. See how when I eat it, it goes away? That's not really relevant though. I was just hungry.
Albert "Frizzy" Einstein (14 March 1879 – 18 April 1955) was a German theoretical physicist noted for his theories of relativity and for being almost as smart as me. When people would thank him and ask him about his theories he never knew what they were talking about, usually answering "You mean those poems?"
Einstein entered the air of Earth's gravitational well in 1879. His father and uncle ran the family business: designing and repairing electrical apparatus running on direct current. As direct current was eventually replaced by Nick Tesla's alternating current, this demonstrated the family's innate foresight into scientific trends. As a boy Albert could be found prowling around, jigging doorknobs, and looking at someone else's stuff. He had a tendency to oversimplify things, and couldn't understand the rules of any game.
Electricity is a scam devised by the famous American plagiarist, Thomas Hernia Edison in the late 19th century.
The basis of Edison's scam was his discovery of small gremlin-like creatures called "electrons", which could be coaxed to travel down lengths of copper wire and perform useful tasks along the way. He put together a company called Consummate Edison, Con Ed for short, which offered to sell electrons.
But here is where the scam came in: because electrons are so small they can be seen only by bacteria who have their own microscopes, Edison devised a scheme whereby customers were connected with not only a "live" cable, which allowed the electrons they bought to travel into their homes, but also a discreetly-named "neutral" cable, down which the electrons were sucked back to the electricity factory. Customers could thereby be unwittingly sold the same electrons over and over.
- ... that NASA's Planetary Defense Coordination Office announced that an asteroid was set to hit Earth, but later retracted it when the object turned out to be an old DC3 on its way back to the Aviation Museum of Hämeenlinna?
- ... that researchers at the University of Saskatchewan have found a promising way to make lab mice dance for their amusement?
- ... that researchers discovered an entirely unique form of Horrible Snowman living in a remote region of the Ural mountains?
“ | The good thing about science is that it's true whether or not you believe in it | ” |
— Neil deGrasse Tyson on unprovable tautologies
|
-
Art
Peak pretentiousness -
Business
Money, money, money! -
Comedy
The science of funny -
Culinary
Food for the soul -
Film
Enter the Matrix -
Games
Recess time -
Gay
A gay ol' time -
Geography
Get lost -
History
Factually wrong -
Literature
Literally illiterate -
Internet
A series of tubes -
Music
Rock on! -
Politics
Politically incorrect -
People
The people's portal -
Religion
Speak of the Devil -
Science
Playing to be God -
Society
We live in one -
Technology
Breaking stuff easier -
Television
Turn your brain off -
Theatre
To be or not to be -
Video Games
Better than sex -
Zoology
Beware of furries -
Portals
Meta-Portal -
Community
The Community -
Main Page
The Uncyclopedia