Portal:Science

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Science: the study of goop

Science, in the narrow sense of the term, refers to any system of knowledge attained by verifiable means. In a very broad sense of the term, science refers to a system of acquiring unclear ideas based on magical thinking, speculation, peer pressure, and convenience, which are all neatly packaged under the label of "research."

Scientists adhere almost religiously to the scientific method, a process they deem suitable for properly developing and evaluating ludicrous explanations for unobservable phenomena based on hare-brained study and questionable verification. Although science claims to bypass supernatural explanation, science is ultimately based on human observation and consciousness, something fundamentally unknown and unknowable.

Fields of science are commonly classified along three major lines: Supernatural sciences, which study the twilight zone, Anti-Social Sciences, which study subhuman behavior and societies, and the Humanities, which study the effects of alcohol on Post-Grads. Mathematics is not a science, but rather a kind of literature based on symbols rather than words. Engineering is not a science, or even an applied science, but rather a simple rulebook of formulas created by mathematicians to the less developed so they can do the hard work of making bridges and pylons. (See more...)

Featured Article
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After four award-winning dissertations on molecular theory, thirteen publications authored on non-Newtonian calculus, and positions of professor emeritus granted by all eight Ivy League institutions, I have at long last come to one definitive conclusion about the state of affairs in the world today; what is direly needed on a global scale is a far greater frequency of hot, indiscriminate sex. Ideally, this sex should be with me.

The world is wrought with injustice – millions live in poverty while the elite classes live in perfect luxury. Racism, sexism, disease and hatred are a central issue in every culture in the world. I could go on about the trials and tribulations of humanity but this has been done extensively by countless others, and to a degree that I could not match with my primarily scientific and mathematic academic expertise. However, what I can say with confidence is that instead of sitting here typing as I am now, I strongly feel I should be fiercely pounding my meatstick into the sloppy snatch of the hot blonde who was in line in front of me at the supermarket today.

Written by So So
Featured Biography
Scientist and Theologian

James Ussher (1581-1656), Archbishop of Armagh, and Primate of all Ireland, was an important figure in the history of Anglicanism, and one of the most learned men of the early 17th century. He is noted for his contributions to numerous areas of theology, but is now chiefly remembered for his work as a biblical chronologist and scientist, and is widely credited with settling the dispute over the age of the universe. In 1650, Ussher was preparing a sermon as part of his 40 part series on the book of Genesis, a rather brief series by the standard of his day. Ussher decided to focus this sermon on some rather neglected passages, the gist of the sermon's scripture text went like this:

1Adam lived a completely reasonable number of years then begat Seth, 2Seth lived a completely reasonable number of years then begat Enos, 3Enos lived a completely reasonable number of years then begat Cainan, 4Cainan lived a completely reasonable number of years then begat Mahalaleel, 5Mahalaleel lived a completely reasonable number of years then begat Jared, 6And so on...
Written by Mnbvcxz
Featured Lab Equipment
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The Frankly Disappointing Telescope can be found in the South East region of the United Kingdom. Its creator, Trevor McClaverty (a.k.a. Flaky Trevor), was inspired by both the Overwhemingly Large Telescope and the Very Large Telescope. Unfortunately, McClaverty did not have the tools, scientific know-how, or monetary capability to create such an impressive instrument. Hence the Frankly Disappointing Telescope.

As the photo shows, the telescope was constructed using a single empty toilet roll tube. Any household has the raw material necessary for in-home production of the telescope, but Trevor had the innovative idea before others could jump on the boat and sail it away. He also has played with the idea of sticking multiple tubes together, however he found that this technology did not increase the power of the telescope. In fact, the more tubes that were used, the more difficult it became to see out the other end, and, due to substandard sticky-tape, the telescope had a tendency to droop as its size increased.

Did You Know?
  • ... that despite what your 10th grade Chemistry teacher said, neutralizing 4 M of NaOH using a buret is not particularly exciting?
  • ... that researchers at Yale School of Applied Medicine developed a blood test which detects early onset Autism with 99 percent accuracy?
  • ... that Sir Arthur Conan Doyle wrote Sherlock Holmes smoking opium every Tuesday, due to a miconception that smoking opium prevents tooth loss?
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