Portal:Science

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Science: the study of goop

Science, in the narrow sense of the term, refers to any system of knowledge attained by verifiable means. In a very broad sense of the term, science refers to a system of acquiring unclear ideas based on magical thinking, speculation, peer pressure, and convenience, which are all neatly packaged under the label of "research."

Scientists adhere almost religiously to the scientific method, a process they deem suitable for properly developing and evaluating ludicrous explanations for unobservable phenomena based on hare-brained study and questionable verification. Although science claims to bypass supernatural explanation, science is ultimately based on human observation and consciousness, something fundamentally unknown and unknowable.

Fields of science are commonly classified along three major lines: Supernatural sciences, which study the twilight zone, Anti-Social Sciences, which study subhuman behavior and societies, and the Humanities, which study the effects of alcohol on Post-Grads. Mathematics is not a science, but rather a kind of literature based on symbols rather than words. Engineering is not a science, or even an applied science, but rather a simple rulebook of formulas created by mathematicians to the less developed so they can do the hard work of making bridges and pylons. (See more...)

Featured Article
Artist's conception

Benson's 4-D House of Pancakes (not to be confused with BENSON'S 3-D HOUSE OF PANCAKES) is a hypothetical structure that in modern physics serves as a model for the so-called "universal theorem" that unifies the 4 basic forces and explains time, space, and reality as we know it. The 4-D BHOP was first proposed in 1999 by renowned astrophysicist Stephen Hawking, and scientists generally agree that it is by far the best model for explaining the known universe. The House is a physical building that serves pancakes, and exists perpetually through all of time on the space-time continuum.

Since Benson's 4-D House of Pancakes exists in 4 dimensions, it is difficult for a human to comprehend its nature. The House occupies not only physical space, but also time — in fact, all of time. If one were to be inside the House of Pancakes, they would observe the universe as a static entity, and be able to see it all from its beginning to a hypothetical end. Exiting the House would place one in an essentially random location in the space-time continuum. By the Heisenberg principle, simply calculating where one would theoretically exit would cause the destination to change.

Written by Composure1
Featured Biography
Einstein-tongue.jpg

Albert "Frizzy" Einstein (14 March 1879 – 18 April 1955) was a German theoretical physicist noted for his theories of relativity and for being almost as smart as me. When people would thank him and ask him about his theories he never knew what they were talking about, usually answering "You mean those poems?"

Einstein entered the air of Earth's gravitational well in 1879. His father and uncle ran the family business: designing and repairing electrical apparatus running on direct current. As direct current was eventually replaced by Nick Tesla's alternating current, this demonstrated the family's innate foresight into scientific trends. As a boy Albert could be found prowling around, jigging doorknobs, and looking at someone else's stuff. He had a tendency to oversimplify things, and couldn't understand the rules of any game.

Featured Lab Equipment
ElectricityTest.jpg

Electricity is a scam devised by the famous American plagiarist, Thomas Hernia Edison in the late 19th century.

The basis of Edison's scam was his discovery of small gremlin-like creatures called "electrons", which could be coaxed to travel down lengths of copper wire and perform useful tasks along the way. He put together a company called Consummate Edison, Con Ed for short, which offered to sell electrons.

But here is where the scam came in: because electrons are so small they can be seen only by bacteria who have their own microscopes, Edison devised a scheme whereby customers were connected with not only a "live" cable, which allowed the electrons they bought to travel into their homes, but also a discreetly-named "neutral" cable, down which the electrons were sucked back to the electricity factory. Customers could thereby be unwittingly sold the same electrons over and over.

Did You Know?
  • ... that 70% of all berries contain napalm?
  • ... that researchers discovered an entirely unique form of Horrible Snowman living in a remote region of the Ural mountains?
  • ... that NASA's Planetary Defense Coordination Office announced that an asteroid was set to hit Earth, but later retracted it when the object turned out to be an old DC3 on its way back to the Aviation Museum of Hämeenlinna?
  • ... that you are in fact useless and will grow up to be fuel for this world's economy?
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