Portal:Science

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
The Science Portal
Science: the study of goop

Science, in the narrow sense of the term, refers to any system of knowledge attained by verifiable means. In a very broad sense of the term, science refers to a system of acquiring unclear ideas based on magical thinking, speculation, peer pressure, and convenience, which are all neatly packaged under the label of "research."

Scientists adhere almost religiously to the scientific method, a process they deem suitable for properly developing and evaluating ludicrous explanations for unobservable phenomena based on hare-brained study and questionable verification. Although science claims to bypass supernatural explanation, science is ultimately based on human observation and consciousness, something fundamentally unknown and unknowable.

Fields of science are commonly classified along three major lines: Supernatural sciences, which study the twilight zone, Anti-Social Sciences, which study subhuman behavior and societies, and the Humanities, which study the effects of alcohol on Post-Grads. Mathematics is not a science, but rather a kind of literature based on symbols rather than words. Engineering is not a science, or even an applied science, but rather a simple rulebook of formulas created by mathematicians to the less developed so they can do the hard work of making bridges and pylons. (See more...)

Featured Article
Clearly not the same as

In mathematics, 0.999... (also denoted , or "all those nines") is a recurring decimal that is, no matter what the so-called 'scientists' say, in no way, shape or form equal to 1. It is at best a poser, repeatedly trying, in vain, to sit at the cool kids' lunch table with the rest of the whole numbers.

Some mathematicians state that if you can fit another number between two number (I.E. an average), then they are two different numbers. If this is not possible, then the numbers are one and the same, proving that 0.999...=1. The greatest genius of our time disagrees, however. There is a hyperreal number for 0.999... When using the Beziér-Parnot construction as outlined in 1584, one gets .999...=1-1/10^H. This is also the exact number of angels that can fit on the head of a pin.

Featured Biography
Scientist and Theologian

James Ussher (1581-1656), Archbishop of Armagh, and Primate of all Ireland, was an important figure in the history of Anglicanism, and one of the most learned men of the early 17th century. He is noted for his contributions to numerous areas of theology, but is now chiefly remembered for his work as a biblical chronologist and scientist, and is widely credited with settling the dispute over the age of the universe. In 1650, Ussher was preparing a sermon as part of his 40 part series on the book of Genesis, a rather brief series by the standard of his day. Ussher decided to focus this sermon on some rather neglected passages, the gist of the sermon's scripture text went like this:

1Adam lived a completely reasonable number of years then begat Seth, 2Seth lived a completely reasonable number of years then begat Enos, 3Enos lived a completely reasonable number of years then begat Cainan, 4Cainan lived a completely reasonable number of years then begat Mahalaleel, 5Mahalaleel lived a completely reasonable number of years then begat Jared, 6And so on...
Written by Mnbvcxz
Featured Lab Equipment
Uniremote.jpg

The Universal Remote Control Everything 3000 is a portable device resembling an ordinary television remote control, except that it's about the size of a laptop and needs to be connected to a local nuclear power station in order to run. The beauty (and some say terror) of the Universal Remote Control Everything 3000 is that it can be used to control all the stuff outside the TV too, including (but not limited to), dogs, fridges, bouncy castles and Cliff Richard. The Remote was the brainchild of an individual who for obvious reasons wishes to remain anonymous, because it was actually Rolf Harris, and Mr. Harris knows the true pain of ridicule.

Few people know this about Rolf, but he is obsessed with watching television to the point of losing sleep and mumbling incoherently. He was furiously attempting to repair his broken television remote control one evening by throwing it around his living room, stamping on it and soaking it in Tesco Value Coke, and he was almost ready to give up hope of fixing it. Suddenly, a random blast of gamma radiation shot out of a nearby budgie with a broken leg, and went straight into Rolf's remote. When he hit the power button a colossal explosion of a sticky red substance filled the room. The sheer scale of what he had actually created dawned upon him. He had in fact inadvertently blown up his dog's head.

Did You Know?
  • ... that you are in fact useless and will grow up to be fuel for this world's economy?
  • ... that everything is pointless if you think about it hard enough?
  • ... that Ancient Greeks didn't have a word for "proton"? Or "Shake Shack"?
Quote of the Day
Further Reading
Biology
Health & Medicine
Mathematics
Chemistry
Physics
Technology
More Portals
Portals complement topics that nobody cares about and expand upon topics that everybody cares even less about.
Retrieved from "https://en.uncyclopedia.co/w/index.php?title=Portal:Science&oldid=6376728"