Alzheimers Groundhog's Day
Act I
John is in his bed and the alarm clock goes off.
RADIO ANNOUNCER 1
It's Grouuuuuuuundhog Day!
RADIO ANNOUNCER 2
That's right. Welcome to another sunny day in beautiful Pittsburgh. Today we're gonna find out if our winter will last another few weeks or not.
John is confused and doesn't really know where he is. The door opens and his son Mark enters.
MARK
Happy Groundhog Day Dad!
JOHN
Dad? Who are you? I don't have a son.
MARK
Of course you do dad. I'm your favourite son. In fact your favourite child. Happy 75th birthday!
JOHN
I thought it was Groundhog Day?
MARK
You were born on Groundhog Day.
JOHN
I was?
MARK
Yes you were Dad.
JOHN
Dad? I don't have any kids. Who are you?
MARK
I'm your son Dad. Your favourite son. Happy 75th birthday
JOHN
I thought it was Groundhog Day.
MARK
It's both Groundhog Day AND your birthday.
JOHN
Okay great.
MARK
I have breakfast set up for you downstairs and then a special birthday gift.
JOHN
Hawt digity dawg!
Mark helps his father down the stairs. It takes 15 minutes to get half way down. John slips and then falls down the stairs. With each step he hits he breaks a leg bone or a rib and then fractures his skull. By the time he hits the bottom everything fades to black.
Act II
John is in his bed and the alarm clock goes off.
RADIO ANNOUNCER 1
It's Grouuuuuuuundhog Day!!
RADIO ANNOUNCER 2
That's right. Welcome to another sunny day in beautiful Pittsburgh. Today we're gonna find out if our winter will last another few weeks or not
John is confused and doesn't really know where he is. The door opens and his son Mark enters.
MARK
Happy Groundhog Day Dad!
JOHN
Dad? Who are you? I don't have a son.
MARK
Of course you do dad. I'm your favourite son. In fact your favourite child. Happy 75th birthday!
JOHN
I thought it was Groundhog Day.
MARK
You were born on Groundhog Day.
JOHN
I was?
MARK
Yes you were Dad.
JOHN
Dad? I don't have any kids. Who are you?
MARK
I'm your son Dad. Your favourite son. Happy 75th birthday.
JOHN and MARK (at the same time):
I though it was Groundhog Day?
MARK
I knew you were going to say that.
JOHN
What did you know?
MARK
I knew what you were going to say.
JOHN
What did I say?
MARK
I thought it was Groundhog Day?
JOHN
It is? I thought it was my birthday.
MARK
Well dad. I have breakfast set up for you downstairs and then a special birthday gift.
JOHN
Hawt digity dawg!
It takes 25 minutes for them to go downstairs. Mark is extremely careful and manages to get his father down the stairs and seated at the table. He puts his hand over a silver plate cover.
MARK
I've made your favourite breakfast.
JOHN
Oh great what is it? I don't remember what my favourite breakfast is.
MARK
It's pickled eggs swimming in a bowl of mayonnaise.
JOHN
It is?
MARK
You've eaten it every day as long as I've known you.
JOHN
You know me?
MARK
Yes I'm your son.
JOHN
I don't have a son.
MARK
Yes you do. I'm your favourite son.
JOHN
Are those pickled eggs for me?
MARK
Yes it's for your birthday.
JOHN
It's my birthday?
MARK
Yes. Eat up and then I'll have a special surprise for you.
John starts to eat his pickled egg but then falls asleep face first in the bowl of mayonnaise. Mark tries to save his father from drowning in the mayonnaise but he is too late. Everything fades to black.
Act III
John is in his bed and the alarm clock goes off.
RADIO ANNOUNCER 1
It's Grouuuuuuuundhog Day!!!
RADIO ANNOUNCER 2
That's right. Welcome to another sunny day in beautiful Pittsburgh. Today we're gonna find out if our winter will last another few weeks or not
John is confused and doesn't really know where he is. The door opens and his son Mark enters.
MARK
Happy Groundhog Day Dad!
JOHN
Dad? Who are you? I don't have a son.
MARK
Of course you do dad. I'm your favourite son. In fact your favourite child. Happy 75th birthday!
JOHN
I thought it was Groundhog Day.
MARK
You were born on Groundhog Day.
JOHN
I was?
MARK
Yes you were Dad.
JOHN
Dad? I don't have any kids. Who are you?
MARK
I'm your son Dad...wait. Wait a minute.
JOHN
Why wait...what's wrong?
MARK
I've been here before.
JOHN
Huh?
MARK
We've been here before.
JOHN
Of course it's my room.
MARK
No I mean we've had this conversation before.
JOHN
How could we...I don't even know who you are.
MARK
Dad let's go have breakfast and then I have a big surprise for your birthday.
JOHN
I though it was Groundhog Day.
MARK
It's both Groundhog Day AND your birthday.
JOHN
Okay great.
MARK
I have breakfast set up for you downstairs and then a special birthday gift.
JOHN
Hawt digity dawg!
Mark carries his father down the stairs to avoid any issues. He decides to play it safe and makes some toast and bread keeping anything sharp such as knives away from his father. His father spends 25 minutes chewing on the toast. When he is done the doorbell rings.
MARK
I'll get it dad.
JOHN
Why does this little pecker head keep calling me dad?
Mark opens the door and a beautiful nurse walks in.
MARK
Hi I'm glad you could make it.
NURSE
No problem.
MARK
He's in the dining room.
They walk into the dining room.
MARK
Dad look it here. I've hired you a nurse.
JOHN
I don't need a nurse.
MARK
This isn't just any nurse Dad.
JOHN
Listen you little fucker. I don't have any children.
MARK
Yes you do dad. I'm your son. Your favourite son.
JOHN
Well if you are my son then I regret having you.
MARK (to the nurse):
He seems a little cranky today.
NURSE
Well we will have to find a way to make him better.
JOHN
Get out of my house both of you!
MARK
Dad I hired this Nurse for you as a birthday present.
JOHN
Today isn't my birthday. My birthday is on Groundhog Day.
NURSE
It is Groundhog Day Mr. Smith.
JOHN
Who are you?
NURSE
I'm your Nurse.
JOHN
If you're my Nurse then take my blood pressure. My heart is beating like crazy.
MARK
That's not why I hired her dad.
JOHN
Then what did you hire her for? You people are upsetting me. Get out of my house!
MARK
Dad you need to calm down!
John starts to have a heart attack. Mark and the Nurse panic and try to help him. Everything fades to black.
ACT IV
John is in his bed and the alarm clock goes off.
RADIO ANNOUNCER 1
It's Grouuuuuuuundhog Day!!!!
RADIO ANNOUNCER 2
That's right. Welcome to another sunny day in beautiful Pittsburgh. Today we're gonna find out if our winter will last another few weeks or not
John is confused and doesn't really know where he is. The door opens and his son Mark enters.
MARK
Good morning Dad. Happy birthday!
JOHN
Who are you?
MARK
I'm your son and we seem to keep repeating this day again and again.
JOHN
What?
MARK
We are in some kind of time loop and I'm certain that the only way we can get out of this is if you finally get your birthday present.
JOHN
It's my birthday?
MARK
But every time I keep trying to give it to you...you die.
JOHN
Am I dead?
MARK
No...not yet but I have to get you your birthday present before you die this time.
JOHN
What is my birthday present?
MARK
It's a nurse.
JOHN
I don't need a nurse.
MARK
It's not what you think.
JOHN
What do you mean?
MARK
It's a special nurse.
JOHN
What kind of a special nurse?
MARK
She isn't really here to help you but she's going to titty fuck you.
JOHN
A titty fuck?
MARK
Yes. You haven't had sex since mom died 25 years ago. And I want you to get laid before you die.
JOHN
A titty fuck. Why on earth would it be a titty fuck?
MARK
You hired a nurse to titty fuck me on my 18th birthday.
JOHN
I did? Sounds like I wasn't a very good father.
MARK
You were the greatest father a son could ever have.
JOHN
I don't know if my heart could handle a titty fucking.
MARK
The Nurse will take care of everything. And honestly I don't think I can take another day of this time loop shit. So I'm going to give you five times your normal blood pressure and heart medicine and I'll add a Viagra into the mix. I don't want you having a heart attack again before the titty fuck.
Mark grinds up the pill, adds it to water and forces his father to drink it.
JOHN
That tastes terrible. What makes you so sure the titty fuck is what will get us out of the time loop?
MARK
It's more or less how it worked for Bill Murray.
JOHN
I don't think we saw the same movie. I don't want to titty fuck.
MARK
Listen Dad. You're going to titty fuck this Nurse and enjoy it. End of discussion.
JOHN
This isn't a very nice birthday.
MARK
It will be nice once things get started.
The doorbell rings.
MARK
There she is.
He goes down and brings the nurse up to the bedroom.
MARK
It might be ten minutes before his Viagra starts working.
The nurse takes off her top.
NURSE
How are we going to do this?
MARK
It's just a titty fuck.
NURSE
Okay. Are you going to stay in the room..?
MARK
I better stay in here to make sure nothing goes wrong.
NURSE
It costs more if you stay in the room.
MARK
Fine. I don't care. Just...get going as soon as my father is hard.
JOHN
Who are you?
MARK
Dad this is your nurse. She's going to titty fuck you.
JOHN
Why?
MARK
Because that's how the world works these days. The government sends a nurse to old men's bedrooms on the 75th birthday and titty fucks them.
JOHN
Has America become a socialist republic?
MARK
Yeah. Whatever.
JOHN
Well at least I'll get something out of my tax dollars.
John's penis begins to grow. Background music are two french horns playing a little beat. The Nurse mounts her breasts on top of John's 75 year old penis. The strings grow louder until the Chorus from Beethoven's 9th Symphony Roars at top volume. In slow motion the nurse's breasts jump up and down around John's 75 year old half-stiff penis. Beethoven's 9th symphony is now blasting in the background. At the climax of the chorus, John's orgasms all over the nurse's breasts. He then has a heart attack and dies.
NURSE
Oh my God did he just have a heart attack?
MARK
Yes he did. And we are still here!
NURSE
Of course we are still here. Aren't you going to call an ambulance?
MARK
No you don't understand...usually when he dies things fade to black. But we are still here.
NURSE
You're the weirdest fucking father and son I've ever met. And I've met some weird ass people.
Mark jumps up and down for joy. The sound from the clock radio grows.
RADIO ANNOUNCER 1
So it turns out the groundhog didn't see his shadow. Soooooo...winter is over.
RADIO ANNOUNCER 2
Well that's great news.
RADIO ANNOUNCER 1
Time to announce today's birthday. Mark Smith wishes his father John Smith a happy 75th birthday. He also hopes that his explosive birthday present will end with a bang.
RADIO ANNOUNCER 2
Nice to see that there are still kids out there who care about their parents.
RADIO ANNOUNCER 1
It sure is.
Cue the end sequence to Beethoven's 9th symphony ending with an orchestral frenzie
