Antifreeze
Winter is coming. Or it just left. Maybe it's winter right now? In any case, winter is a thing we all gotta deal with at some point in our lives . . . or die! But dealing with winter is hard and cold, because winter can be cold and hard. If it is warm and soft, go back outside again!
So, besides blankets and vodka, how can we get through harsh winters in one piece, without losing limb or sanity? Simple. Antifreeze.
Antifreeze uses
Use it as a coolant in your internal combustion engine
During the icy, snowy winter, people must take care of their fragile, vulnerable internal combustion engines. The delicate structure of the internal combustion engine is more prone to freezing than a drifter in Times Square, so safety precautions must be taken. Most of these precautions, such as sweaters and massages, are utter bullshit (except they don't steam like fresh bullshit on a winters' day).
The only fix you need is antifreeze in your engine fluid (but not your man fluid). Antifreeze functions as a 'coolant' (not to be confused with ants wearing Ray-Bans) for internal combustion engines, keeping the system 'cool', instead of 'cold' and frigid during the harsh winter months. A heaping dollop of antifreeze smeared on your internal combustion engine will keep that throbbing, purring, growling, baby antifrozen all year long.
Use it to quickly cook a lobster
Don't you hate it when you're trying to cook a lobster for dinner, but you're afraid that the water will boil too slowly, and you'll miss your weekly juggling troupe get-together in Jay's basement?[1] No sweat![2] Just throw in some antifreeze for a big, steamy solution to your boiling-oriented briny problem.
Antifreeze raises the boiling temperature of water, allowing the liquid to reach higher temperatures and cook that crusty crushed-asian in mere minutes. Plus, when it comes time to fish the bad boy out (not YOUR 'bad boy'), it'll already be horrifically poisoned. Start that diet early by cooking your finest ingredients in antifreeze - even Gordon Ramsay would be impressed; the benefits keep rolling in!
Use it as a present for your favorite niece
Nieces. Everyone has 'em (noooooooooo, not like that, you paedo!). Everyone loves a good niece, but sometimes it can be hard to properly express your love for them. You can take them out to a Chinese buffet on their 16th birthday, or pay for their taxi home from prison when they finally beat the assault charges; but, in the end, can't you just do those things for nephews too? In the harsh winter months, our gift-giving thought processes often get muddled with concerns for relatives of all sorts, so how can we properly express our love for the one relation that actually matters?
For a niece-specific gift, look no further than antifreeze! On her birthday, half-birthday, fifth anniversary, death of her pet hamster, you name it; antifreeze will surely brighten up your niece's day in more ways than one. Watch as a smile instantly graces her wrinkled 14-to-46-year-old face, the caress of that red plastic canister, with its contents glowing like Chernobyl, bringing back oodles of childhood memories. The first kiss with Billy in the back of his Nissan sedan, nervous that its internal combustion engine will suddenly freeze up and she'll be discovered. Playing Antifreeze Kings with Susie and Bill when she was too young and naive to get a fake ID. A shot of antifreeze with her old man when she finally came of age. The memories come flooding back like a stream of antifreeze lovingly polluting the Nile River.
You've never seen a more thankful niece in your whole life.
Use it as a threat to a lazy son or daughter
While antifreeze is a perfect gift for a niece, it isn't for everyone. Know your audience, and you will be able to apply antifreeze in a wide variety of situations to relations of all sorts. Nephews, uncles, third cousins, and wives may have neutral reactions to antifreeze, but it is a well-known urban fact that sons and daughters, who rebelliously cherish the troubles of harsh winters, simply despise the household chemical.
The next time a child of yours comes home with an insubstantial report card, a big bag of cocaine, a haggard hooker, or herpes, put away your steel-tipped belt and grab a jug of antifreeze. Nothing says tough love like forcing your child to guzzle a pint of automotive coolant elixir against their will. They'll thank you for it when they're older. (Just gloss over their blindness).
Use it to foil a nefarious scheme
Somewhere out in nature's darkest crevasse lurks a dastardly villain; some fiendish gent hell-bent on world destruction. Perhaps he has cryogenically frozen himself to regain his once-great power, or maybe he is building an enormous Winterfication™ machine to envelop the world in perpetual frosty harshness. Whatever the case may be, the only way to stop him is with the glorious benevolence of antifreeze.
How else could you breach the enormous glacier walls of his underground compound, or send his brood of ravenous snow dogs, led by the wily Cuba Gooding Jr., back to Doggy Hell? Antifreeze melts holes in the plans and defenses of even the schemiest schemes of the world's nastiest ice-themed schemers. Even if the villain you take on isn't ice-themed, dousing them/yourself in antifreeze would confuse them enough to consider an alternate lifestyle choice to cartoonish villainy. Who wants to deal with an antifreeze-wielding maniac on a daily basis? Not a sensible up-and-coming villain, no sir-ee!
Use it to melt your innards
Failing all else, if you have absolutely exhausted every other possible use for antifreeze, it is time to consider suicide. Seriously, could you not think of a single other way to employ this chemical-of-all-trades? Suicide really must be the only option left.
But how? Guns are expensive, and you should be frugal if you want your niece to have a fair inheritance; four-story buildings are hard to come by, and even a nice fall from the attic dormer would be buffered by the mounds of piling-up snow; and do you even know how to tie a noose? (Not to be confused with leashing a moose!) Does anyone?[1]
Lucky for you, you unimaginative loser, antifreeze is an excellent suicide enhancer. The active ingredient in most antifreezes, ethylene glycol, will bring a fever to your face with a grin on your chin, tasting smooth and sweet as you guzzle the poison down your quickly evaporating oesophagus. If you don't want to be lonely in death, as you were in life, take out your dogs and cats with a spoonful of antifreeze as well; it's even more poisonous to them than it is to you!
In the harsh last-ever winter of your life, antifreeze bestowed upon you the greatest gift imaginable: complete spiritual thawing. So sit back, relax, and let the strikingly fluorescent antifreeze flow freshly through your veins; get your final thrill by watching yourself glow from the inside, as the glorious glycol shows you its journey. And when you finally come face to face with your life's Maker, don't forget to credit the Taker, the multipurpose liquid gold (ok, pink or blue) that helped you achieve enlightenment - in a strange dayglo blue or pink (per your favourite brand). Antifreeze. Does it get any better than this?
Exultate the ethylene! Glorify the glycol!
- ↑ Outside the Deep South.
Further reading
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The Article Whisperer-Winning Article |
This article was chosen as the Best Most Requested Article in the 2011 The Article Whisperer writing competition.
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