Uh, hello? I just wanted to take a moment to be serious... just for a sec.
I know you think the internet is just fun and games, but hear me out: there's some serious shit going on that I think you should know about. This isn't stuff I just wrote down because I thought it was important. This stuff is serious. I mean really serious. Please, calm the fuck down and listen to what I'm saying.
And I swear to GOD, if someone deletes this page because it's "too serious for Uncyclopedia" again, I will hunt them down. This is serious shit, okay?
there's some serious shit going down in Africa
The internet is serious business. I don't want you doing any online investing until this shit in Africa is sorted out. I don't want you doing anything else until Africa is safe from whatever it is that's been raping it for so long.
I know you don't like hearing about this, but there's, like, 50 dying people in Africa right now. There was a huge avalanche, and then there was this rebellion, coupled with this famine. I don't know where, but I really want you guys to donate. Seriously.
Seriously. I want you to donate. Go donate stuff. They need help, guys. I don't know where they are, but they need some serious help.
Don't just sit around at home praying for them or whatever it is that you idiots normally do. You need to donate, like, right now. Here's the link:
they'll lose their funding
They're gonna lose all their money. They will LOSE all their MONEY. Stop reading Uncyclopedia and get going. They won't have enough money to do any of that shit they used to do. Calm the fuck down, I'm trying to be serious. Shut the hell up for god's sakes! They need money, guys. Please. I want you to send some fucking money to them right now. Turn. off. the. computer. and send money.
Donate anything: socks, wet socks, money, t-shirts with your face on them... anything. These people are starving, and they know you can help for just pennies a day. They'll be back on track doing whatever it is they do in no time. Guys, this is totally serious. Stop the fucking shit and get donatin'.
There are so many of them, and they need good homes. If you don't donate some children right now, the vet's gonna put 'em down. You need to donate. I'm serious right now donate do it. These children are starving n' shit. They need some hamburgers or SOMETHING! They'll just sit there starving and starving until you donate.
I know you have some money you moocher. I know you do. You just bought that new car. Considering you're a fry cook, I don't know how you got the money, but you should donate. You need to give money to the fucking children. They're looking up at you with their big ol' eyes sayin' please sir, can I have some more? Don't be a bitch. Here's the link:
These poor creatures live on the fringes of society, totally ignored by everyone. For thousands of years, humans have destroyed these majestic creature's habitats. Their entire natural ecosystem consists of an old man's backyard. You need to hurry. Please. You need to fuckin' hurry. They'll die without you.
I know you don't care, but look at how cute they are. They'll cuddle up right next to you. More than that, they're the state's official animal! How could you not donate to them? Do you love our beautiful state, or are you a traitor?
They're almost gone. Like, I'm serious. They're almost gone from existence because of hunting and because there's a sport involving throwing them up in the air over and over. There's lots of people who just squeeze them for no reason other than to squeeze furry things. Please please this is serious please.
I know that they think they're better than you, but there's one thing these poor little critters don't have: your money. They're all struttin' around on their hind legs like they own the damn place, but that doesn't mean they're not in trouble. They need your help, for reals. They're down to their last hundred bucks, and they don't have enough money for a new library. They seriously need your help, before they're all squeezed to extinction.
Please donate money. Please please donate. Hurry.
they got sick
This disease kills eight people a year in America alone. It's really rough. It's like getting your soul stabbed every day, but they keep on keepin' on. You can't even walk or breathe or whatever! I read in a magazine or something that it sucks, like, major balls.
This isn't some disease you can just let go past you without donating. I want you to fuckin' stop readin' this and go donate, or else you're a fascist. You don't want your coworkers thinking you're a fascist, do you? You need to donate to the-- the disease place so that they'll have enough money and donations.
Please guys, cmon, I hardly ask you to do anything, please:
I mean, seriously, they don't have any money at all. They're just sittin' there, starving. They don't have any food: not a single one. They don't have a single turkey-breast sandwhich to their name. I know I already talked about them, but I just saw this commercial. Please, they're just kids, and that background music was so sad. The fat guy with a beard who thinks I have enough money to give them says that they don't have enough sandwiches n' shit to last 'em through the night.
I know know know you have money. You have a next-gen iPod. I don't know how you could get the time to rake in the cash like that, seeing as how you're a drug dealer, but you need to donate. You need to stop selling crack for just an hour so you can give the orphans money. You need to give. Give give give, until you can't anymore, then donate something. You need to donate, that's what I'm trying to say.
Guys, I'm serious. Put down that doobie and give 'em money c'mon. Here's the link again: