Death

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Dead. Not big surprise.

“One can survive everything nowadays except death.”

~ Oscar Wilde

Death is the process by which the living become not-so-living.

History

Originally, living beings on Earth did not have the capacity to die, living instead between a million of years and infinity. However, people quickly realized that there was only a limited amount of resources that could be used by everyone; and if they wanted to have an even distribution of goods, they had to stop reproducing so damn much. This displeased several people, who wanted to enjoy the pleasure of reproduction to the fullest, no matter how many inconvenience it could have. That's when doctor Death K. Mortis -whom death was named after- had an awful idea: if people only had a limited amount of time on this planet, they could lend their resources to the rest of the people once their trial of life expired, making it easier for people to reproduce without having to worry about future consequences.

Of course, the concept of death was met with skepticism at first. Several people refused to partake in this "death" thing, as they preferred to live immortally, even if it meant having less resources. But doctor Death K. Mortis, being the mad scientist that he was, wouldn't give up on his project that easily: he injected a powerful serotonin to the people while they were sleeping which made them capable of dying, and then brainwashed them into believing that dying was a thing that had always existed since their inception. But then the people started asking questions, so Dr. Death made up a tale about an omnipotent being in the skies and a snake-like creature that had caused the first humans to die because of some forbidden fruit. And because this story made little to no sense, it only arose more questions, which Dr. Death tried to answer with even more absurd lies; and long story short, that's how Christianity was born.

Conceptions of death

The most common conception of death is a black-hoodied skeleton called the Grim Reaper, sporting a pointed stick or a big rock, and wearing the skin of a black bear. In the Middle Ages, however, he took on the Reaper's familiar scythe-and-cloak appearance.

Death may found sometimes in a boat ferrying souls across a river to the Underworld to be given lectures by Medusa. The souls being dead couldn't be turned into stone, so she was no problem. She was still unbearable to look at and bitchy. Death is known to like to play games, specially chess. Death may also play instruments, like the violin. Death is sometimes funny but it's actually a psychotic serial killer who is judged to be utterly destroyed in the Lake of Fire by God.

Nowadays, Death is known to live in the highest floor of a luxury building in Oslo, quietly waiting for the next person scheduled for his injections. So when you think about it, Death is sorta like Santa Claus... only that Mortis doesn't do it to sniff little girls' panties in the night.

Life after death

The endless cycle of death and rebirth, as pictured by an equally endless GIF

A common misconception of mortal humans is that there can be life after death. Several beliefs that hold this misconception include:

• After death, an omnipotent being judges all your actions during life and sends you to heaven or hell accordingly.
• After death, your soul is inserted into a different body and begin a new life
• After death, you end up in a sacred land full of beer volcanos and stripper factories

What many mortal humans don't realize is that the existence of a second life (or several second lives) after death renders the concept of death useless, which then puts into question why it even would exist in the first place.

See also

• Dead
• Die
• Dying
• You Are Dead

Notes

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