Oslo

Oslo is the Norwegian version of Alcatraz. It's probably the crappiest place on Earth. It is not better than Bergen, unless if you are some kind of snob who sometimes has something other than fish for dinner and doesn't enjoy rain 459 days a year. The city is situated at the exact geographical centre of the world; if you leave Oslo and travel in a straight line in any direction (following the curvature of the Earth, of course), you will end up in Oslo again, after traveling approximately 36,000 km. You will then be extremely sorry for having done so.

Norway is a nice country, it's a country between blue and yellow sweden (who eats kjøttbullar) and GB (not Great Bajs, but Great Britain).

This strange fact was first hypothesized by Albert Einstein as early as 1911, but it wasn't confirmed until the summer of 1933, when an expedition headed by Dr. Wright-Patterson, AFB, observed the total solar eclipse which occurred in Oslo that year. The total eclipse lasted for about a month, turning Oslo to the twisted, rotten [and a looong list of other bad things] city it is today. It is currently the second-ugliest capital city of the world, after Paris, France.

It is interesting to note that if it should ever snow in Oslo, the world will end. Reportedly, the (un)racist party leader Carl I. Hagen (Carl in the Garden for englishmen), extended the largest sail/blanket ever created over the giant dumping ground of Oslo in 1979 and thus saved the world, as he wanted to collect the snowfall and make nice white men in his personal cooler storehouse in Uganda to be retained for eternity as a memory of white (little) Adolfs. This is also the origin of the name of the Oslo monetary unit, blånkets.

History

Oslo was founded 65 million years ago by a pack of small, rodent-like mammals. They later apologised. Repeatedly.

In 1452, the city was visited by Russian explorers, who brought with them aliens from the planet Xylobar. They noticed that the city's inhabitants, the space otters, looked a lot like donkeys. That is why they called the city "Осло", after Russian "Осёл", meaning donkey. They continually flazz the foozle in a manner to be abeacon unto all who behold.

Slottet is the home of the Royal Family.

Oslo was destroyed in the year of 1566 by a berserk moose that rushed up the Karl Johans gate street and totally trashed the royal castle. Its destruction is closely related to that of Stavanger, as rampaging mooses was also responsible for creating the huge tsunami.

In 1952, the city was rebuilt in order to host the Banana Olympics.

In the late 90s, the city was invaded by an armada of bad-boys on what become known as the B-Day.

In 1999, the year of Satan, Satan resurrected on the main street of Grønland. He resurrected in the form of Mullah Krekar. He now claims the crown and power of Blitz-huset.

Port of Christiania anno 1800 Aquatint by John William Edy

In 2005, Norway celebrated its 100th year of freedom from Schweden, and used 500 trillion Euros to shape up the main street, Karl Johans gate, and the surrounding areas. The celebrated result was unwalkable streets, unaccessible for the handicapped, full of unremovable gum marks, and ugly cobblestone which only 1 in a billion found attractive. Also, after the wild party ensuing the first weekend after the huge facelift was completed, destroyed the result for eternity. Everyone in Oslo was secretly quite pleased with this.

In 2006, a resident Oslonian (??) threatened to blow up his left pinky finger in front of a drug addict in Skippergata, the feared place of purple heroin trading and prostitutes. This infamous case was featured in the local media for fourteen weeks on the front pages and television newscasts. Also, a cucumber was broken in two with a journalist present and he felt threatened for the rest of his life, something which he intends to use for his columns for the rest of his life.

Demographics

Frogner Park

More than 87.554% of the population consists of white, left-handed males. Of the remaining 12.444%, 2% are prostitutes from Africa, 4% are professional beggars and 1% are terrorists walking around in the part of town called Greenland. Oslo is attempting to attract more of these groups as they essentially finance themselves and do not use the welfare system.

There is also a respected polar bear population in the city. Most Norwegians will refer to these as "ice bears", to which foreigners will think they are talking about beer with ice and believe that Norwegians do not know how to drink beer. 99% of the left-handed white males do however know how to drink beer. Every weekend they will go out and get completely wasted by drinking beer costing $20. This is one reason why 99% of white left-handed males complain about their economy and will gladly vote for any politician that can promise this (regardless of the additional crap that party will bring). With cheaper beer, the people of Oslo would aim to be drunk for the full four year period anyway.

As an interesting sidenote, the average Oslo citizen leaves behind more than 1.859 lbs of garbage every year (88% of this consists of empty pizza cardboard boxes (Grandiosa), while 11% is made up of empty ketchup bottles).

Local government

Stortinget is the seat of Norway's parliament.

Up until 1846, Oslo was ruled by a mayor by the name of Mayor Naisse. However, one day it was discovered the "mayonaisse" he stored in his basement was actually the sperm of several different tigers. Mayor Naisse was then declared gay and extremely disturbed. It was then that Oslo switched to the system of the Elders. Oslo is now ruled by the Elders, three of whom must be members of the Illuminati. These constitute the Upper House, which is headed by The Cigarette-Smoking Man. The Lower House – commonly known as "The House of Cab Drivers" – consists of cab drivers. These cab drivers are without exception Iranian refugees who hold no less than two diplomas in engineering.

The boroughs of the city of Oslo, have local political representatives called the dunk-hunks (dønk-kjekkingene) who are elected every millennium. The dunk-hunks rule over the insane policies of the local hoods, that is, they have power over their local Bingos (the only gambling allowed) where the elder-mob hangs out and robs innocent kazakhstanis, their kindergartens (where children are brainwashed into the cult of the flying underground Francomarxists), and the local drunkards pubs who are usually run by pious pakistanis. They have tried to achieve influence over the dog- and rat-meat serving kebab joints, as Norwegian racists like to think of them, but it has been unsuccessful as the owners have ties to the Easter Island Triads, who rule over the Illuminati. Whenever there is a holiday, Osloensiananans (and all Norwegians in general)will eat something extremely long dead. Maybe they want to be certain that the meal will not attack them, or maybe they are simply preparing their intestines for the attack of the aforementioned rat-kebabs dreamt up by Norwegian racists (but not Carl I Hagen, whom someone will eventually prove not to be a racist. Maybe sometime in 3001 when all government and news records have been deleted.)

Economy

The economy of Oslo is fairly poor. No private person in Oslo drives his own car; they all borrow Mette Marit's Think, the environment-hostile car. The Oslo Stock Exchange is actually a prostitute area, and all nice-looking people in suits spend their days there.

Usually, more poor children can be seen begging than a bad day in Dhaka. One of these poor children once became better at original football, the sport challenged americans call soccer, than the icelander, Gudjohnsson. This was 529 years ago, but many norwegians still hold this memory high.

The economy of Oslo is interesting in that there are more money in a square kilometer of Oslo, than in a square centimeter of Ghana. But the problem is that the five dollars (and twenty blånkets, but no one cares) are held by a pakistani who plans on moving to "Little Norway" in Pakistan in about four months.

Currency

The official currency in Oslo is kroner. A few trained people are aware of how much one krone is worth, but most Norwegians simply count the price of things in beer or a pizza called Grandiosa. The pizza tastes shit, but unsurprisingly Norwegians find it excellent and will eat it as often as possible. This is also the reason why you should feel extremely offended if you serve a Norwegian and he says the food is good.

A few people in Norway are aware of the Euro, and some has heard of the dollar, although being unsure of what it is.

Language

People living in Oslo speaks Oslotish, a rare language which sounds like eating a potato. The term "mor-di" (pronounced fast, so you don't really notice the straightness of the line between "Mor" and "Di") is very often used, mostly as an end of the sentence, e.g. "Du er en dust, mor-di" (meaining "You are a fool, your mother"). The "Mori"-term is probably a norwegian adaption of the worldwide term "Your mother"

Trade and industry

Most of the population work in the polar bear industry. The rest of the work force are mainly cab drivers and hookers (tattooed). Feeding extremely unhealthy-looking pigeons might seem to be a major area for the work-force, but this is not so. The feeders are insane, and this is the treatment they get. No one knows why.

Weather

The weather in Oslo is strange. In the winter, there is most often 5 metres of snow. Most locals will at this time of the year be busy digging tunnels to get to where they want. The locals will bring all the snow they dig out home to melt it, so obviously it is a big job. By the time the tunnel system is done, most of the snow is already melting. Then you can hear a lot of people saying "oooh" at the same time. It is definitely something worth experiencing!

In the summer, most Norwegians walk around with sandals, shorts and nothing else - except of course a snow shuffle. Because in Oslo you never know when it will start snowing, and when it first starts, it doesn't stop.

Brothels and kebab restaurants

There are quite a few of these, catering for all tastes. Most of them are run by East-American senior citizens. Oslo is famous for its "special white" salad dressing, a dressing consisting entirely of whale semen.

Of course Oslo also has got one really bad kebab-shop, the "Bislett Kebab House", which serves you the crappiest rotten pigeon-meat you can get in the world. And if you pay a little extra, you can get some rat-meat too. As Norwegian racists love to joke. You just have to taste it. And puke!

Points of interest

The Monolith

• The red lights district shopping street of Bogstaveien remains a popular tourist destination.
• A visit to the Vigeland Park near Frogner is a must. Here you can see the 17 meter tall erection known as "the Monolith", and hundreds of statues of nude people engaging in various close encounter activities which may or may not depict some sort of wrestling. Another one of the most famous statues is the one known as "Daddy's been drinking again", depicting a man kicking little children. It's true. Go see it.

The Monolith also seems to have some higher function and may once have been a navigation beacon for the otters. Rumours has it that the so-called stone carved bodies clinging to the erect penis slowly change positions and may even be alive.

• The Ghetto, also known as Østkanten, is the number one Oslo tourist magnet, mainly due to the crime rate. A visit here usually leads to healthy confrontations with the local community (of whom 70% is bad-boys) that often result in a broken nose or arm. A must.
• Close by the ghetto, is the Al-Qa-Mekkah, a true copy of the mosque in Mekkah mostly aimed at visiting neo-conservatives and the sisters of deceased suicide bombers and plane terrorists who are non-muslim, like Soheila Andrawes. As well as the gay community of Amsterdam and Botswana.
• No visit of Oslo is complete without a walk around Aker Brygge and Rådhusplassen. Aker Brygge offers great shopping of fish and polar bears almost one hour a day, as well as a spectacular view of the sewers unnatural concrete harbor, and Rådhusplassen offers all westerners illegal Angola visas and a vast landscape of an unusually ugly square and the commonly nicknamed "brown cheese" building which is used as the city hall of Oslo, Rådhuset. Rådhuset is where the Peace/Cheese prize is delivered by FedEx in front of cheering socialists to outstanding leftwing nuts and bolts yearly.
• If you like beautiful cars, you should take a trip to Oslo in the "Russetid". At this time of the year, many drunk and very nice and polite people called russ drive around in very nice red cars with huge speakers that blow your brains out.
• Also essential is the main street, Karl Johans gate, which offers prostitutes, shoe shiners, street musicians and performers as well as an estimated 1,000 Dressman stores, which are Norways communist equivalent of Gap, only with even more boring clothes. You must also visit the 100 Deli de Lucas, the gourmet Deli of luxury junk food and american crap, and the seven (thousand) 7 Elevens, 2 McDonalds and Burger Kings (within a 100 metres of eachother) and so on.

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  The Opera house with the sculpture She Lies in the front

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  Akershus fortress

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  Oslo Suburbs

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  Jernbanetorget

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  Aker brygge

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  Industrial building at Akerselva

Hooker Guide

If you want to get yourself a hooker, then Oslo is the place go! In Oslo, there is a hooker for every taste. You want a naturally blonde Norwegian drug addict? No problem! An Eastern European beauty with a little too much gloss on her lips? You got it! A little short on cash? No problem either. In fact, some of the African hookers are giving blowjobs for as little as 200 Norwegian Galøns, which is well under 30€! The hookers in Oslo usually dwell on the infamous Skippergate. You may have to look around a little, as the police sometimes forces the hookers away. They usually just move to a neighboring street – sometimes they even move to Karl Johans Gate, Oslo's main parade street. If you still don't find it, don't panic! Just stop a taxi. Any taxi driver in Oslo will happily drive you to the nearest hooker, or, if you tip well, perform sexual services himself. The gynaecologists in Oslo are also known to be giving you a little extra pleasure. For a small fee they will satisfy your every sexual need. The is completely legal, so most street hookers have a hard time finding female customers.