Pakistan

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پاکِستان
Unstable State of Affairs of Pakistan
Pac-Is-Tan (Black PacMan)
Pacistan.JPG Ms-pac-man-really-changes-the-game.jpg
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: "You mad, bro?"
Anthem: Loot Maar Cheen Shadbaad
General shape of country: Standing PAC Man
Capital Islamisbad
Largest city Nawaz Sharif
Official language(s) English and Ur-do
Best friend China
Abused sidekick Afghanistan
National Hero(es) Imran Can't, Muhammad Ali Jinnah, Afridi, Meera, Reema
Declaration
 of Independence
From India on civil terms
Currency Coupees
Religion Confusionism, Corruptionism, Rapism, Racism, Pornism and Infidelism
Population Still counting yaar
Internet TLD .pakola
Calling code 666 (redirect)
No matter what happens. Don't give a Fuck!

Imran Can't on Pakistan

It's all conspiracy of the Jew.

Marty McFly on the State of Israel

Pakistan like Pac-Man dodges four neighboring enemies - India, Afghanistan, Iran and China while gobbling up people's money. No doubt it's tough being Pakistan.

Jimmy Carter on the Pakistan

Silly neighbour, are you going to carry that load all by yourself? Here, let me help you with that.

Pakistan on Afghanistan's internal affairs

Pakistan se Zinda-bhaag

Ulema-e-Crime on Infidels

Unstable State of Affairs of Pākistān, is a confused state torn between Islam and Democrazy, Madrassas and Cambridge, Riasat-e-Medina and Siasat-e-Mad-arena and Imran Khan and Imran Can't. Pakistan deliberately does the exact opposite of what it is asked by other countries showing smart-ass attitude. It is ranked highly in United Nations indexes for the Least Predictable.

Pakistan's flag is depicted as Pac-Man to represent how it dodges all four neighbors India (Inky), Afghanistan (Blinky), Iran (Pinky) and China (Clyde) - while it continues to gobble people money in the name of taxes. Taxes in the West means incentives that country pays you back but in Pakistan it is a one-way street. Imran Can't is taking revenge from people of Pakistan instead of past leaders who did all the philanthropic work. Following the End of the World, Pakistan will be the last country standing due to amassing more atom bombs than India. It's like blind having Rayban glasses or a bald having a comb. It is eternally at war with India where people from both the countries tell each other Your mom jokes and try to win.

History[edit]

10 minutes before Jinnah (left) smelled armpit of Gandhi (right) - An ever-green gay couple

Jinnah bought a foam-ass for his skeleton-ass since it used to cause pain when he sat. Once he got the foam-ass, he wore it and as he sat on a chair after 40 years, he called Iqbal - the dreamy peasant. They both plugged themselves in Matrix-Inception like dream world and came up with the idea of a nation. Uninspired by the Ten Commandments, Jinnah formulated his own 14 Points-to-be-noted regarding creation, headed northwest and declared freedom for what is now Pakistan. He was promptly followed by much of the Muslims of India.

Bush telling Pakistan, 'Either you're with US or you're against US'

Jinnah was the last of the Great Emperors, a bit unfortunate as he only served the first year of Pakistan's 74-year-long history. All thanks to smelly armpit of Gandhi, he died on the spot. Besides his administrative competence, his successors could not match him in either Saville Row dress sense, statesman-like vison, or, as witnessed with the current incumbent, even basic literacy. Three feature-length adventures with India later, Zulfi Bhutto emerged as leader in 1971.

Bhutto's achievements were minor (a constitution and The Bomb), and his failings were also insignificant (Bangladesh and fascism). He was hung and Pakistan was worse for it when Zia-ul-Haq became president. General Zia-ul-Haq got a lot of ideas from priests in the Dover School area about how to stop students for studying evolution and is known for putting phrases like '2 Hydrogen atoms and 1 Oxygen atom become Water only if God Wills' in chemistry books. He thankfully got assassinated trying to fly airplanes made by engineers before the Wright Brothers.

The 1990s was a decade-long knife fight for power between Zulfi's daughter Benazir Bhutto and Zia's nephew Nawaz Sharif, prime entertainment even by Pakistani standards. Nawaz Sharif is so damn rich that he's not even considered an individual, but a City. The two usually preferred dirty slurs to policy issues, which also interested the people. Nawaz, a philanthropist, eventually was fired by General Musharraf as he believed that Nawaz's philanthropy is going to destabilize Pakistan. Musharraf contributed to Pakistan by getting dollar to 60 coupees and for playing tricks with US and showed an amazing feat of staying in power for 8 full years.

'Ghabrana Nahi Hai.' Literally means, 'No matter what happens. Don't give a fuck!'

When all was done and dusted, Zardari, and then Nawaz Sharif became the crime ministers of Pakistan. Since a lot of money was distributed to the poor by Sharif, Imran Can't believe it. Imran was jealous of Sharif's philanthropy and wanted his own share that Sharif denied. Then what happened to Pakistan - everybody knows. Don't ask me!

Ok, ok, not going anywhere. Then what happened was that the over-confident Pathan (Brain-dead Zombie) - Imran Can't started reading the book 'The subtle art of not giving a fuck!' and advised people to turn a blind eye to everything that is going to happen once he's in power. He showed full honesty but zero competency of running a complex nation like Pakistan and dollar sky-rocketed to 175 coupees. Now people have running water but only cold; there is geezer but no gas; there is router but no WiFi; there is phone but no signal; there is bank but you can't take money out; there is tax system but no benefit back to people; there is mining machines but no laws for it; there are roads but no lanes; there are signals but no one stops; there are mosques but no discipline; there are schools but no merit. That sort of thing!

Economy[edit]

Former investment minister Zardari is often credited with Pakistan's overflowing foreign exchange reserves

Echo-No-My is what ministers of Pakistan think of economy. First comes Echo (demands) of people struggling to earn bread and butter then comes a 'No' from the Ministers and finally comes 'My' showing that whatever is yours - is actually mine. Not Sorry Zardari and Naughty Cheif Nawaz Sharif did a lot of philanthropic work to stabilize Pakistan but Imran Can't mind his own business; as he had none. So he amassed a handful of youthias who also believed in his promise to bring back same Ministers to power to continue with philanthropic work.

Pakistan did not have an economy until Asif Ali Zardari became federal minister for investment in 1993. Zardari's role as a businessman specializing in ethical trading with foreign multinationals, often at 10% subsidies, helped the country progress economically after many years, unheard of since his father-in-law Bhutto's active socialism. During the 90s, Zardari far surpassed the plodding investment any military dictatorship had encouraged before, or any that was to come under slick Citibank finance ministers such as Shaukat Aziz.

Language[edit]

The national language is English, though no one speaks it. You see, Jinnah once said Hello to an English linguist touring British India, and the Western world came to believe that the Muslims spoke English. In fact, they only speak Hindi, also known as Ur-do. It is hard to know how many languages were mixed up to make up Ur-do but as the name suggests, every nation of the world was invited to Ur (an ancient Sumerian city) to play their part to make it. Jinnah was in no hurry to correct anyone, as "the language problem" became a handy secular excuse to explain the decision to split off from India.

The government of Pakistan does business in a mix of English and Ur-do called Inglis. Ur-do is written from right to left, unlike English. From the name Ur-do, it is clear that everyone in Pakistan emphasizes on what others need to do so they can blame them later rather than doing anything on their own. Left-handed Pakistanis find this language problematic, as left hand is normally only used to wipe ass and shake hands with the infidel not to write from right to left or eat. Ur-do is much more polite than Hindi and saves time over Hindi, in which you have to draw a line over everything you write.

Haggling in the marketplace is often done in the computer language C. In rural areas, other programming languages are used, although Pakistan is not a complete linguistic anarchy as India is, it being laughably easy to make one's self misunderstood in Ur-do. Villagers speak Talibani, Punjabi, Sindhi, Brahui, Anti-American, Salami and Bandi-ki-Punani.

On the border with India, Punjabi is dominant. But it carries a stigma because it always sounds as though you are abusing and insulting other people. Fluent Punjabi speakers must eat three kilo of Chicken Karahi each day. Further into the interior, they speak Punjdu, a bastard child of mixed Punjabi and Ur-do.

Culture[edit]

A poster for a Pushto movie from "Pollywood" emphasizes desi nudity and violence.

Because of the reversed word order in the languages of Pakistan, "culture" in fact means "your cult." Cultured Pakistanis are thus preoccupied with their own cult, rather than with abstractions such as national unity.

Pakistan is quiet and peaceful. For one thing, the political system makes it dangerous to talk a lot. Moreover, there is little really interesting to discuss, except the locally-made "Osama Lives" T-shirts (in a handsome green color calling to mind bottles of Heineken).

Pakistanis are as keen on reproducing as Japanese are on making electronic gadgets, even though their motivation, as with other endeavors, is to stay ahead of the Indians.

Men are always dressed in loose "Shalwar Kameez" so that they can easily pee in the times of suffering. These costumes make it equally easy to get wild and horny. Islam requires that Pakistani women wear the burkka. However, a popular local alteration is the "bikini burkka." This serves the competing masters of religious modesty and getting things to happen.

Popular heros of Pakistan include Aamir Liaquat Hussain - who is notoriously known for his marriages and girl friends; Mathira - who enjoys vulgar conversations with dogs with four feet and dogs with two feet; Meera - who is double masters in English Literature from Oxford; Waqar Zaka - for helping Pakistan mine bitcoins once Pakistan finishes salt mining (never); Shiekh Rashid - who will marry one day before his death; Zardari - who will appear in the 2nd installment of the movie 'Catch me if you Can' alongside Tom Cruise and Jack Dawson; Nawaz Sharif - who will take over Pakistan once Imran Can't deliver; Musharraf - who wrote the famous 'How to Seduce US in 21 days'; Hamid Meer - who after getting injured by firing showed an amazing feat of going to Quaid-e-Azam to do a prayer, donated blood and helped a blind cross the road before being admitted to hospital; Osama - for hiding in the gutters not knowing that in Pakistan gutters boil up due to heavy rain and Bush for having 30% approval ratings.


Wars with India[edit]

Everyone knows why the tea is fantastic

India-Pakistan wars occur so frequently that they are classified not under Government but Culture. When Indian Soldier Abhinandan came flying in Pakistan, he was captured and treated with hospitality and a tea. This surprised him and led him open his own tea shop. After that India ceased to do wars with Pakistan using guns and grenades, but now use cricket bats and balls instead. The line of no control is more like a cricket boundary where every once in a while a bomb drops on each side like a sixer. The new rules are pretty simple! When a bomb starts falling in your land; hit it back to the other side with the bat. Whoever hits the most bombs across the border; wins! India used to brag about it's victory to Pakistan in all World Cup matches and had a long held slogan of, 'Mocka Mocka' which turned into 'Ponka Ponka' when Pakistan finally won the 2021 ICC 20-20 World Cup. Here are the wars and their outcomes:

Year Name W/L Outcome for Pakistan
1947 First Kashmir War Won Farmers with pipe-guns routed the occupying British-Indian army and liberated half of Kashmir.
1965 Rann of Kuch War Won When India sent its cows to subtly occupy the Rann of Kuch, Pakistan's farmers herded them to the beef factory, sending India into howls of outrage. The latter tried to invade Lahore but Pakistan's cows intervened and told them to go back home.
1971 Bangladesh Liberation War Lost Lost East Pakistan
1999 Second Kashmir War Lost Learned that Indians have turned Jammu and Kashmir into a city of zombies to film the Walking Dead.

Means of Transport[edit]

Decorated for Destruction. The best display of Sacrifice!

Pakistan's most popular means of transport is called the "mini-bus" despite its elephantine size. To fight unemployment, government has given driving jobs to all the blind pathans in the country. These drivers are nevertheless an inspiration to all Pakistanis, from the poetry they inscribe on the rear of their mini-buses. All the famous poets write poetry on buses, as there is little paper in the country and most of that is of the sanitary variety. Typical inscriptions:

  • Gareeb ki Pajero (Pajero of Poor)
  • Maa ki dua Jannat ki hawa (Prayer of Mother is Wind from Paradise)
  • Jal Mat DilberJani (Don't be jealous Sweet-heart).
Trains of the 21 Century BC. Coming soon in PK!

Trains are another popular means of transportation. Unlike India's crowded trains, Pakistani trains are always empty, except the crew and a certain white-bearded beggar.

Pakistani trains are ridden by youngsters for the same reason that youngsters in more developed countries pay to ride roller-coasters. The bumps and unpredictable turns make the ride almost as thrilling. The best part is that trains have no stations in the city or locations near you because of course, what will you use a Taxi for. It takes an hour from your nearest train station to your home - wherever you might be. That's a given!

Entering Pakistan[edit]

The best ways to enter Pakistan are:

  • Cannons (that fire every morning between the two cunt-trees)
  • Tonga or Rickshaw (whichever is available)
  • Walk across the border (shhh... use mines below the line of no control)
  • Take women hostage (easy peasy)

You can also arrive via airplane. PIA (Pain In Ass-ways) can also be used. It is cheaper than a taxi, but the company believes in self-service. If you ask the air-ghostess (stewardess with gigantic Punjabi butt) to bring you water, she will simply say "PIA" which in Ur-do literally means "Go drink yourself." This does not mean to drink your own urine; that was only done by a notorious ex-Prime Minister of India.

Indians can get a Pakistani visa easily, and in only about fourteen days in queue near the Pakistani Embassy in India. The wait is plenty of time to convert to Islam, and perhaps to finish a Hajj to Mecca and back, finish all seasons of 'Friends' with friends and enemies and read Scriptures of all great religions of the world. Americans need an additional visa; namely, a bulletproof vest.

Leaving Pakistan[edit]

Only a moron would want to leave such a nice country. Pakistan's advantages are found nowhere else in the world:

  • Round-the-clock sunbathing.
  • No one calls you a "Paki bastard" here.
  • You are free to eat Halal.
  • You can beat your wife and children, and your neighbors' children.
  • You have freedom; forget freedom of expression; you're free to act, loot and plunder.

Despite these advantages, some Pakistanis emigrate, chiefly to the U.S., U.K., Canada, and Chechnya. Their hope is to open Pakistani restaurants and wish they were back home while complaining how bad the commodes are compared to squat toilets.

Famous, yet Pakistanis[edit]

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