Svalbard

“It's north”

~ Captain Obvious on Svalbard

“Hell has frozen over!”

~ God on Svalbard

“They are stealing our JAWHBSS!!!”

~ Svaalbard on Svalbard

“Where the fuck am I?”

~ Oscar Wilde on Svalbard

Det Fantastiske Kongeriket Svalbard The Glorious Kingdom of Svalbard Svalbard
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: "Hunden er i stykker"
Anthem: Jeg har flådd min sel "I have just skinned my seal"
The Kingdom of Svalbard is shown in green. The Empire (as of 2008) is represented in black.
Capital & Largest City	Longyearbyen
Official language(s)	Svalbardi, Norwegien, Welsh, Cylon, Eskimo
Government	Absolute Monarchy
King	Lars Monsen
‑ Prime Minister	Sauron
National Hero(es)	Stalin, Genghis Kahn, Beowulf, and that good-looking guy from Troy
Declaration  of Independence	10,124BC
Currency	French Skulls
Religion	Sysselmann worship
Population	4
Major exports	Nuclear weapons, toast, armoured Bears, Yeti, ice, global catastrophy, beer, sea birds, imperialism, tuna, communists, cruise missiles, blondes

Svalbard is a vast northern continent lying in the North Arctic Ocean north of Greater Poland about midway between the southern province of Norway and the northern North Pole. It consists of a group of northern islands, three of which are populated, Spitsbergen, Bjørnøya and Hopen (which is populated mostly by Bipolar bears and gypsies). The glorious capital of the Svalbardi empire is Longyearbyen. The Svalbard Treaty recognises Svalbards sovereignity over Norway and the 1925 Svalbard Act makes Norway a full part of the Kingdom of Svalbard. Svalbard has been voted happiest, greatest, northernmost and drunkest nation of the world every year since 1945.

History

It is thought that humans first evolved in Svalbard in 1,530,001 BC. Having spent several years plundering the islands of natural resources like pop music and string, some of the lesser peoples of Svalbard left to colonise the rest of the world. The sensible folks, however, stayed home in their igloo's and continued to fight amongst themselves. This was known as the Dark Ages, as lightbulbs had not yet been discovered, however Uranium was invented and patented in a lab about five hundred thousand years before anyone else discovered it (or indeed, elements or the planet Uranus). Under the great chieftains Tesco and Ikea, who had monopolized the islands after many centuries of putting smaller companies out of business, Svalbard was finally united under one kingdom. The Kingdom of Svalbard was proclaimed in 10,124BC, amidst much family friendly celebration (see: drugs, alcohol and prostitution). The capital of this new kingdom was called Longyearbyen, named in honour of the long year the pair had spent slaughtering innocent people, krill and bacterium in order to unite the islands. Byen is thought to have meant 'pwned' in the ancient tongue of the Svalbard people.

In the period 10,124BC - 2008BC Svalbard became a highly industrialised society, specialising in luxuary snow mobiles, armoured combat bears, nuclear missiles, sewing machines and lasers. It was the most technologically advanced country of its day, and had a empire which consisted of northern and western Europe, Canada, Mexico and Madagascar. The future United States was left unconquered, as it was deemed too dangerous for human settlement. Much of the solar system had also been visited by Svalbard. The first Svalbardian to walk on Mars was one Olaff Bjorn, in 5321BC. However, the economy of Svalbard went into recession when its polar bear workforce went on strike, demanding better wages, causing much speculation that the stock market would go into decline, thus causing the stock market to decline.

This unfortunate turn of events was complimented by Avian influenza which arrived at the end of 2008BC, killing off much of the human population, mostly due to the gross incompetence of the Labour government of the time. At this time of crisis barbarians invading from the unconquered, uncivilised places of Europe like France and Somalia led Svalbard to nuke most of its territories, leading to mutations in the subject peoples which would later lead to Chavs and Pikies in the United Kingdom and racists in Germany. By the time of the Greek and Roman empires, Svalbard no longer had a empire, but, having gone back to the stone age, it was quickly advancing into a medieval society and gathering its forces for a future war on Europe. In 50AD Svalbard became the first nation to realise the economic potential of the Bible. Lacking any religion themselves, they began to export it in massive numbers to Europe. It is also thought a range of Jesus action figures, notable for having opposable thumbs, were created at this time.

During the Dark Ages in Europe, Svalbard was responsible for much coastal raiding of the continent of Great Britain, and also the island of Eurasia. Annoyingly, the credit was quickly stolen by the Vikings from Sweden, Norway and Denmark. In response in 1102 the King of Svalbard at the time (Lars the Emo) landed in Oslo and made several childish, rude gestures at the Norwegians and then proceeded to Copenhagen to throw fish at the Danes and get thoroughly drunk. The King of Norway retaliated by deporting the French to Svalbard. Lars was so angered by this that, in 1103 in a rapid Blitzkrieg attack, he conquered all of Norway and parts of Djibouti. It was then that the national flag of Svalbard took shape: The red cross was to symbolise a national love of bloodshed and cruxifiction, while the white and black symbolised ice and utter despair respectively and the bear was an icon of Svalbards military power. In order to make the adoption of the flag more mystical, Lars fired the flag on a rocket into the sky, where it detatched at 50,000 feet and floated back down to the ground. Lars declared this to be "A sign from the heavens." favouring Svalbard. All witnesses to this were ordered upon pain of death to be awed and proclaim it a miracle.

Over the next 900 years Svalbard conquered all of Scandinavia, and also inserted a disease into the British genepool to make them all stupid. This largely succeeded. Svalbards scientists are also thought to have invented the highly industrious, yet nationally overconfident Germans in 1509. The Kingdom of Svalbard continued to prosper, with the aid of slave labour from Norway, until the 20th century, satisfying their bloodlust through colonial wars across Africa, Asia and Antarctica. Whilst World War 1 raged in Europe, the people of Svalbard had a jolly good chuckle about them all whilst planning to invade in the aftermath of the war. However, they were delayed by a mass drinking festival, lasting 15 years, which must be observed every 3 days.

In 1939, Svalbards puppet dictator of Germany Adolf Hitler invaded Poland, starting the Second World War and displacing thousands of Polish plumbers, bus drivers and manual labourers into the United Kingdom. Meanwhile, Svalbard allied itself with the Faroe Islands, forming the Axis of Evil. Claiming to be waging pre-emptive warfare in the interest of Democracy and certainly not oil, and on the pretense that the Germans had weapons of mass destruction before they had been invented, Svalbard declared war on Germany and subsequently invaded France, who surrendered after several seconds of resistance. Whilst the entire world clapped them on the back, Svalbard busily set about stabbing the entire world in the back before finally conquering Germany in 1945, having taken the rest of the world already.

Northern Geography and Climate

Svalbard is located somewhere in the Northern Hemisphere, officially designated as 'pretty far North'. This leads to conditions that leading scientists describe precisely and accurately as 'quite chilly'. Despite its tropical location, snow is common in Svalbard, especially during the winter where temperatures are almost always under -50 degrees centigrade. Summers meanwhile reach heights of 4 degrees centigrade, and during this time of year the pristine beaches of Svalbard are packed with nudist Norse. Due to its Northern location, Svalbard experiences constant daylight between April and August and polar night between October and February, the latter providing excellent inspiration for gothic metal bands as well as making Svalbard popular with vampires during this time. There are numerous fjords in Svalbard. The terrain is quite mountainous in places, and the coastline shows the effects of glaciation, toxic waste leaks and exploitation by tourists. Several large craters also attest to the nation of Svalbards testing of ever more dangerous weapons, although most weapons testing is now conducted in Basingrad. Other key geographical features of Svalbard include the Amazon rainforest, Mount Everest, Lake Hylia and Björk.

Northern Culture

Svalbard is known to have the most advanced culture in the world, and all lesser beings are incapable of reaching such heights. Svalbard is the home of music, architechture, poetry, literacy, numeracy, racism, sculptures, art, incest and bear baiting. Svalbard, like parts of its subject nations in Scandinavia is well known for its large collection of heavy metal bands, most of which consist entirely of depressed Bears. It is also known for having more than seven million varieties of Fish delicacy. It was once remarked by a Norwegian, prior to being conquered and harpooned by Svalbard, that "there's something fishy about Svalbard."

Svalbard is also well known for the consumption of beer, drunken singing, drinking related poetry and subsequent illegal sexual acts. The festival of binge drinking, celebrated every three days for 15 years (which basically means, all of the time) is world famous for being completely "freaking awesome." This does, however, lead to large numbers of hospital patients, many of which die at the hands of drunken surgeons.

Svalbard is also notable for a enforced dress code which consists of bear hide and a toga. There is much speculation to why this is the case, but this speculation is usually ended by the barrel of a gun.

Longyearbyen

A detention camp on the outskirts of Longyearbyen.

Longyearbyen is the northernmost capital of the world. It is also the only capital of the world. It is the Earths largest city, covering several million square miles, some of which is ocean, with a population of approximately 8 million (There were once more populated cities in the world, but these were reduced to rubble during mass pillaging, burning, raping, and one sided nuclear warfare). Longyearbyen is renowned for its perfect public transport, its nuclear silo's, its gold paved streets, massive ditches full of food aid to the third world which is burned for comedic value, and numerous air fresheners, to prevent the smell of fish. It has numerous theatres, cinema's, colleseums, fish resturaunts, weapons emplacements, sports venues, brothels and childrens playgrounds. The centre of Longyearbyen is dominated by a giant Ikea, a massive Tesco's, 100 foot tall statues of the two founding fathers (both with laser eyes to deter nesting birds), and the worlds biggest brothel. Longyearbyen is renowned for having a large number of cyclists, and is particularly friendly to cyclists, as these are not shot on sight for wearing the wrong clothes (see culture).

The city of Longyearbyen at night.

Because of the large amounts of diamonds, gold, platinum and aluminium foil that decorate the capitals buildings, it is the only man made structure since the destruction of the great wall of China that can be seen from space, at all times of day. Twenty percent of the city is in fact composed of the palace of the King Sven-Göran Eriksson, whose palace contains several golf courses, most of the Iberian peninsula and Theo Walcott.

Longyearbyen is serviced by the Longyearbyen international airport. This is where most Svalbardians going on holiday, usually a safari to see the Welsh in their natural habitat, leave from. Other Svalbardians going on adventure holidays leave from the nearby Longyearbyen military Headquarters. It is also common for people, usually the Polish or Dutch, to arrive illegally in container ships or lorries at the ports of Longyearbyen.

Government

The system of government in the Kingdom of Svalbard and its subject territories remains an absolute monarchy, currently under the tyrannical yet emotionless rule of Sven-Göran Eriksson. While there is a Prime Minister and parliament, established in 5121BC, residing in Longyearbyen, these are completely subservient to the King of Svalbard and exist essentially to heap praise upon the King. Elections are held whenever the parliament gets bored of burning money instead of wood for heat, and similar to the Zimbabwean system, are completely irrelevant. Votes may be allocated to parties other than the Svalbard National Party, the official ruling party of Svalbards parliament, but all opposition party members are used in gladitorial games and anyone voting for these parties does so on the understanding that they will be immediately and unnecessarily brutally massacred. Just like in Zimbabwe. However, ethnic Svalbardians, who are the only ones entitled to vote, never do anyway, content as they are with their high standard of living and lawful obligation to torture lesser peoples.

Military

Svalbard is a nation with a proud tradition of senseless violence, rivalling that of even Millwall football club. Since the birth of humanity, the Svalbardi culture has defined itself by being superior at bashing other peoples brains out. Svalbard is famous for the fearsome Bear Riders, butch Nordic nutters who rode into battle on polar bears armed with giant axes and playing demoralising Britney Spears music through loudspeakers.

The Military of Svalbard today numbers at 2 billion soldiers, most of whom are from lesser races. This is complimented by untold millions of tanks, horses, armoured elephants, aircraft, helicopters, bears, submarines, squid and the largest Nuclear arsenal ever constructed. The elite Svalbardi units of the army go to battle dressed in giant futuristic robotic exo skeletons, armed with anthrax missiles and railguns, topped by a little helmet with horns. However, due to the gross incompetence of certain subject peoples, the Svalbardians are often seen firing on the French and Italians as they flee from combat, as a punishment. Since the Svalbard army conquered the Earth, they face no other threats except Martian Bacteria and rebellious Turtles. Needless to say, as a result, enlargement of the Army and Nuclear arsenal is continuous.

Indiginous people

A citizen of Svalbard preparing to go to a wedding.

The people of Svalbard are all, without exception, incredibly intelligent, blonde and beautiful. They are often as tall as seven foot, and even the weakest of their kind can easily lift several Americans. They are desired greatly by those of lesser races (ie everyone). However, the people of Svalbard are incredibly racist, looking down on everyone except the people of Mongolia, who they admire greatly. When required to breed with other peoples in order to diversify their gene pool (to prevent mutation) they will usually choose Scandinavian people, whom they have long ruled, many of whom are also blonde and gay. Most Svalbardians would not even touch anyone else with a bargepole, especially those hailing from the Isle of Wight. The people of Svalbard are also notable for carrying giant axes wherever they go.

Tourist attractions

Svalbard has many tourist attractions, such as three thousand theme parks. However, it is not worth listing them, as your visa request to visit Svalbard will be instantly denied, although some people find ways to get in anyway (see Polish). Other notable attractions include the Pyramids, the Statue of Liberty, the Eiffel Tower, the Collosus and the Kremlin. Svalbard also has a high density of golf courses and nightclubs the size of football pitches.

Nature

Svalbard is home to many species of animals, such as Bears, Seals, Sharks, Pythons and Camels. However, most of the animal life of Svalbard has been genetically modified for military use, and is highly dangerous to anyone lacking the steely constitution of the average Svalbardian. Svalbard, despite being heavily industrialised, still has breathtaking natural beauty. Examples of this include the 17 mile long sandy beach at Longyearbyen, mountains, shrubberies, iceburgs and barren wastelands. The mountains tend to be home to lost Seals and Bears, and many Svalbardians like to visit these areas, completely unarmed, to beat the heck out of them with their bare hands. The idea of global warming is terribly amusing to Svalbardians, who laugh at the idea of increased water and food deprevation in the third world, ecological destruction, and the possibility of Svalbard one day having a summer.

Northernmost things to do

If you are a foreigner, the main pastime in Svalbard is bound to be escaping the Police and avoiding execution at the hands of a large mob weilding pitchforks (see Sports). Other activities asides from this include drinking, listening to metal music, drinking, taking drugs, drinking, having several wives, wrestling polar bears, drinking, watching gladitorial combat and drinking. For Svalbardians, the favourite weekend past time is traditional raiding of the British coast in longboats. The weapons may have changed from Crossbows to TOW Missiles, but the process is much the same.

There are a lot of things that can be done no more north than on Svalbard. The list of northernmost records made on Svalbard is too long to be given comprehensively, but here are a few examples.

• Svalbard is the northernmost place where you can hire a prostitute and buy condoms.
• It is the northernmost place you can be robbed in a dark alley. It is also the northernmost place with dark alleys.
• The most northern misunderstanding of Wittgensteins Tractatus was made 1956 in Longyearbyen.
• Svalbard is the most northern place where you can read an outdated public transportation time table.

Unfortunately, Svalbard recently lost the record of having the worlds most northern Starbucks when three opened simultaneously on the magnetic North Pole, for no reason anybody could think of.

Sports

The main sport of Svalbard is persecuting minorities, beating minorities, and occasionally playing football with severed heads, usually of minorities. The other major sport, which Svalbard is thought to be the best in the world at, is drinking. Bear polo is another popular sport in Svalbard. Other sports are comparatively rare in Svalbard, though curiously, Svalbard has won every Olympic games since 1945 under dubious circumstances. Some have suggested that this is merely because of their self evident superiority in every facet of human existance, and not the planting of drugs on, or the assassination of, foreign athetes.

Other information

Svalbard was mentioned by some guy who wrote some book called the Northern Lights. The representation of Svalbard was panned by critics for not being brutal enough. The Socialist Bear Workers Party also complained that no attention was paid to the continuous exploitation of the Polar Bear Proletariat by the Svalbardian Bourgeoisie. Another complaint was that their name in the book sounded too German. About three people also whined that this book was overly Atheist, though this does not bother the people of Svalbard, who only believe in their own racial superiority. Svalbard is due to be wiped out according to several religious groups and also Nostradamus in the year 2012, by a cataclysmic terrorist attack, planned by a man who lives in a cave. Other useful morsels of knowledge may include the fact that in Svalbard, punching someone in the face is considered a greeting. If you are punched in the face, do not be alarmed. This is them being friendly. Agression is signified by the swinging of a large axe.

See also

• United Kingdom of Svalbard and Jan Mayen (disputed state)

Cold Nordic Countries

Åland - Denmark - Faroe Islands - Finland - Greenland - Iceland - Norway - Sweden - Svalbard

Countries of Europe