Super Speed Train to Aruba

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This is an artist rending of what the Super Speed Train to Aruba will look like. Note the lack of graffiti.

The Super Speed Train to Aruba is a planned high-speed rail system that will connect much of the Caribbean to Aruba. The initial funding for the project comes from billionaires and people afraid of boats. Additional stimulus funds were donated by the oil company BP following a minor ecological disaster in early 2010 that only resulted in the death of a few individuals, nothing compared to what happened at Pearl Harbor or the World Trade Center.

The planned multinational rail system would connect Aruba to Jamaica, Bermuda, the Bahamas, the Floridian island Key Largo, Montego, Martinique, and Alabama. It is meant to be taken fast, not slow, though the specific speeds on the train have yet to be set. However, some people have suggested it could be "super fast."

Early studies[edit | edit source]

Early reports suggest people like things that go fast. This has been proven by the popularity of NASCAR and The Flash. Prizes awarded on The Price Is Right seem to indicate people have an inherent desire to visit Aruba, which is the only place the Super Speed Train to Aruba goes.

No environmental studies need to be conducted on the effects the Super Speed Train to Aruba may have because there are no forests or mountains it would pass through and therefore no need to study the environmental ramifications of this sea train . However, there is a prevailing theory the construction and electrification of the Super Speed Train to Aruba would disrupt shark life in the Caribbean. This is seen as a positive by everyone because sharks are scary.

Justification[edit | edit source]

When embarking on a massive infrastructure project such as the Super Speed Train to Aruba, there must be some valid justification. As such, a list of justification has been compiled:

  • Environment: Hippies always complain about carbon emissions from cars. The Super Speed Train to Aruba would reduce the number of cars driving across the Caribbean Sea to zero, thus eliminating a liberal talking point.
  • Economy: As noted during the 2012 United States presidential election, a lot of money is stored in the island nations the sea train would pass through. As such, the train would provide many billionaires with a speedy direct route to vast sums of their cash.
  • Weather: Due to the chaotic and windy nature of hurricanes, tropical storms, and other weather events in the Gulf of Mexico, travel between these different areas is often rendered impossible by plane or boat. As such, another means of travel must be constructed. The Super Speed Train to Aruba will be faster than any weather event and will allow for the evacuation of people and their precious mementos.
  • Tourism: Following a series of "unfortunate" events, tourism from Alabama to Aruba dropped considerably. The Super Speed Train to Aruba would serve to attract much-needed tourism and keep those tourists in Aruba indefinitely.
  • To beat the Japanese: The Japanese are pretty smug about how they have the only high-speed rail system connecting a series of islands together, even including propaganda about it in the anime series One Piece. The Super Speed Train to Aruba would end this Japanese talking point by connecting several island chains together.
Look at all that dirt. You don't want dirt next to your high-speed train. You want the beautiful Gulf of Mexico.

Benefits of constructing the Super Speed Train to Aruba[edit | edit source]

Unlike most high-speed rail projects, there are only benefits to building the Super Speed Train to Aruba. The Gulf of Mexico and Atlantic Ocean would provide for a natural electrification needed for high-speed rail. Additionally, the Super Speed Train to Aruba would be a single rail system, providing everyone a direct route to Aruba. This will ensure no one ever misses their train to a specific place, which is a common problem faced by subway and rail commuters who have to decide when and where to go. The lack of choice on the Super Speed Train to Aruba has been heralded as "ingenious" by some.

Many fishing enthusiasts have endorsed the Super Speed Train to Aruba stating how it is the only high-speed rail system in the world - possibly the only one in the entire Milky Way - that has access to saltwater fish such as the increasingly rare yellowfin tuna.

The train would also benefit from crossing over a rare aquatic oil leak. That way, if the electric system on the train ever fails, it could simply be fueled by the naturally flowing diesel.

The final benefit the Super Speed Train to Aruba has is its proximity to nothing. The view of the sun will not be impeded by trees or buildings like other trains are. Plus, there will be very little to demolish when laying down the rail line.

Damn you, Poseidon! It's your fault Haiti will never be healthy and prosperous!

Other proposed rail extensions[edit | edit source]

There were proposals to have the Super Speed Train to Aruba extend to the Haitian capital city Port-au-Prince, but due to witch doctors and the water god Poseidon, the ground in Port-au-Prince is no longer stable enough to construct anything on. This is quite unfortunate because Haiti could really use the jobs. The billionaires who are funding the construction of the Super Speed Train to Aruba released a statement where they tell the Haitian people how much they "feel for them" and how it reminds them of the time they were forced to make the difficult decision to only build one car elevator in their third home.

The island of Kokomo was also originally a part of the route, but it is a banana republic governed by the Beach Boys. An international trade embargo has been in place against Kokomo since the Beach Boys attempted takeover of American radio waves in the summer of 1988.

There are talks of a possible Australia-to-Aruba line. Many believe these talks will breakdown on account of how hard it is to understand anything Australians say due to their bastardized version of English.

See also[edit | edit source]