Gulf of Mexico

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The Gulf of Mexico (from the Mexican Golfo de México) is a vast body of oil that may contain some water and dead fish.

Climatology[edit | edit source]

The Gulf of Mexico is the source of the notorious Gulf Stream, which continuously spits out oodles of category 5 hurricanes and turns the entire Atlantic Ocean into a gigantic aquatic pinball machine, where you can get five (5) plays per quarter.

History[edit | edit source]

The Gulf of Mexico was accidentally discovered by Ponce de León in 1492 when he chopped through the impenetrable swamps wetlands of the Florida panhandle. When he first saw it, he claimed the peaceful and pristine fluidic entity for Jesus and named it Mare Tranquillitatis (French for "The Horse of Tranquility"). Fifteen seconds later, Ponce and his entire exploration party were utterly wiped out by the category 5 Hurricane Zsa Zsa.

Environmental Woes[edit | edit source]

Today, the Gulf is threatened by many ominous threats such as global warming, El Niño, La Niña, deforestation, ozone depletion, second hand smoke, acid snow, underfishing, and nontoxic waste. Emotionally distressed environmentalists have long since given up all hope for saving the Gulf, and now make much better use of their valuable time by therapeutic wanking. The gulf also contains up to 15,000 barrels of oil that are found in underground caves beneath the seabed which are continually exploited by oily people in Houston, Texas. It is easy to get the oil from the barrels, but the real problem is just getting these buried barrels out from 3000 ft below the Gulf of Mexico. And it hurts peoples feelings.

Hurricane Katrina[edit | edit source]

On August 28 2005, the Gulf of Mexico was unexpectedly and sadly destroyed by Hurricane Katrina. Millions of square miles of environmentally sensitive oceanic floor was suddenly exposed to direct sunlight for the first time in billions and billions of years, as the category 5 storm deprived the entire fish population of life sustaining and grease-laden sea water, and dumped all of it into neighboring Lake New Orleans.

Even though many thousands of fish heeded apocalyptic warnings and managed to evacuate to the Atlantic Ocean in the nick of time, as much as 30% of the total fish population were insufficiently motivated to swim out of harm's way. Unconfirmed rumors have confirmed that the remaining fish were mostly disadvantaged bottom feeders that were expecting vast fleets of fishing trawls to miraculously sweep them to Fish Heaven, where each disadvantaged fish is waited on hand and foot by cloned replicants of Charlie the Tuna. However, when this joyous event failed to materialize sooner than even remotely possible, some of the more belligerent fish took up swords and looted the Strategic Oil Reserve for all its worth, and sold it on Wall Street for quadruple of its equivalent value in the form of Purina™ Fish Chow and plasma TVs.

Meanwhile, the Gulf of Mexico has been rendered uninhabitable for all future generations by uncontrolled contamination from the clean crisp fresh waters of the Mighty Mississip. The restraining delta, which took many billions of years and billions of dollars to build, was irreparably breached when some stupid Dutch kid poked a hole in it with his finger.

The effects of war veterans and splinter groups of variously aged hippies to repair the damage by seeding the environmentally disastrous Gulf of Mexico with underwater squirrels, known for their unique adaptability to both fresh and salt water, have so far been fruitless. However, ignoring the insistence of several renowned marine biographers that underwater, coniferous nuts must be planted first lest the sea squirrels compete each other to death over food, these war veterans and variously aged hippies are relentless in their support of the underwater squirrels' ability to fend for themselves, citing an ancient Aztec prophecy as their source.

Ironic[edit | edit source]

Since George W Bush was not the president anymore, and the Iraq war was over, the oil decided to "turn the tide" and therefore, the oil shockingly decided to invade America.

Deepsea Horizons[edit | edit source]

On April 20, 2010, British Petroleum set out on Operation Deepsea Horizons in an attempt to destroy the cesspool that is the Gulf of Mexico. Sadly, a valve designed by Your Mom malfunctioned causing too small an explosion and allowing oil to spill. Now, the Gulf is even greasier. Luckily, many birds and fish were covered in Texas Tea, but not killed.

In retaliation to the bombing attempt, the Pelican Nation attempted to bomb Times Square in New York on May 1, 2010 by using Islamic Extremists. Unfortunately, the triggering mechanism, designed by Your Mom, malfunctioned, causing the bomb to fail. Someone should really fire her incompetent ass.

Conspiracy Theory[edit | edit source]

Many crazy people believe the god Obama and Fred Phelps's god was behind the oil spill. A few weeks before, Obama allowed more offshore drilling in the Gulf of Mexico. It is said that the spill is a result for America's love for oil and fags.

Also, these loons were dropped on their heads as babies.

See also[edit | edit source]

  • Mexican golf
  • Rockport, Texas, the only place on the Gulf Coast that has a pollution rating of below 93%