Mexican-American War

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This article documents a current event. Misinformation may change rapidly. Use frequent updates to ensure that it remains as uninformed and unhelpful as possible.


Mexico at its height of conquest, 2007.
The Mexican-American War had to be fought. If it hadn't been, people all around you would be speaking Spanish right now. If it hadn't been fought, every time you would call a customer service number, they'd tell you to press "one" for English.

President James K. Polk on the Mexican-American War

The Mexican-American War was a conflict that began in 2007 between the United States of America and the Mexico.

Mexico Invades[edit]

Mexican immigrants enter San Antonio.

Border Offensive[edit]

The Border Offensive began shortly after the completion of the the border wall that was intended to prevent illegal immigrants from entering America. The Minutemen continued to survey the border with hopes of detering wall jumpers, but what followed was unexpected even to them. The Mexican Government let Pancho take the reigns of the army, and left him to devise an elaborate plot to not only remove the wall, but to prevent the possibility of any restrictions on immigration from ever occurring again.

Early Phase[edit]

The offensive began as a series of well timed raids on the wall itself. Pancho ordered that pure Mexican hot sauce be spilled on walls over a series of days, which in time would erode the walls enough to break through them. Approximately two weeks later, Pancho gave the go ahead to break through the wall to several thousand immigrants who immediately began to steal jobs from hardworking Americans. This severely outraged many, however Democrats downplayed the importance of this sudden surge, stating it was actually below the daily average before the wall was built. Soon Mexican bandits ride armed with hot-sauce squirting guns advance towards the Arizonan border.

Pancho Advances[edit]

James Gilchrist monitors the Mexican Advance from Phoenix Arizona.

Pancho understood that timing was everything, and now that he has successfully distracted the Americans, he ordered several thousand soldiers into the United States. The Minutemen, already taken aback from the surge of Immigrants, were overrun by the Mexican army. Mexican forces advanced into San Antonio, El Paso, Pecos, Las Cruces, and Tucson on the orders of Pancho. But he placed specific importance on the speedy fall of California, a campaign in which he personally oversaw and led. With a division of 10,000, San Diego fell to Pancho, and after a heroic amphibious landing in Los Angeles, most of southern California was under Mexican control.

While the logical solution would have been to deploy the US army in response, the Government failed to declare war due to Senate Democrats, now in the majority, who refused to take action against the Mexicans. Senate Majority leader Harry Reid placed the blame solely on the Republicans, though every Republican voted to authorize war and every Democrat against. This inaction, coupled with the surrender of nearly half the minutemen lead many to fear a complete takeover.

Fall of Sacramento[edit]

After vowing to return, Arnold escapes Sacramento by helicopter.

The Mexican Army continued to skirmish with the Minutemen in Texas, and they failed to advance on to Austin. The same held true with New Mexico. California was a different story, as they made great advances under the lead of Pancho. Another Amphibious landing into San Francisco was met with open arms as the 'progressive' citizens welcomed the liberation from America. The only thing standing between Pancho and Sacramento now was the governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and a small band of Minutemen. The Minutemen, under the lead of Arnold, defended the capital for several days, though eventually Arnold made the decision to abandon the state, stating "I'll be back" in MacArthur fashion.

Shortly after this, Sacramento was taken over without a fight. James Gilchrist and the minutemen stationed with him were unable to defend Phoenix, Arizona, and he surrendered.

Aftermath[edit]

Los Angeles under despotic Mexican rule.

Pancho's victories in the border states created a front line that split through several states, and would prove a daunting task to counter. The ineptitude displayed by the senate led the Bush Administration to take matters into their own hands, causing Battle of Cape Cod. Pancho led his army to victory, taking much of the Southwest. His victories led all of the Pacific coast to come under Mexican rule.

Battle of Corner Canyon[edit]

After taking the West Coast, Pancho led his army into Utah in hopes of taking it as well. But in a decisive push, the Utahians prevented Pancho from advancing in his first loss. This loss led him to open a new theatre of War in the Northeast.

Battle of Cape Cod[edit]

With word that Ted Kennedy had aided the Mexicans spreading, Pancho assumed that the US Government would soon attempt to capture him. In a daring manouevre, he ordered a large contingency of Mexican soldiers into Cape Cod in an attempt to rescue Ted Kennedy. Though costly, it was successful and the Mexican soldiers attempted to escort him to Mexican occupied Texas.

Alaska, Newfoundland Surrender[edit]

Alaska and Newfoundland did not get word of this, and surrendered. This led to the Battle of Placentia Bay.

Battle of Placentia Bay[edit]

One of Mexico's last great naval victories, this battle established Newfoundland as a part of Mexico, which it remains as to this day.

Battle of Corpus Christi[edit]

With the force retreating to Texas, and personal force, the Mexican army hoped to regroup at Corpus Christi. They were, however, ambushed by . Though outnumbered, he defeated the Mexican army and fatally wounded , who was carried off the battlefield severely wounded like a. It marked the end of reign, and marked a major turning point in the war.

Stalemate[edit]

Battle of Crawford[edit]

The Battle of Crawford took place in late 2007. Fresh off the Fall of Washington, the Mexican military sought to continue the momentum and fully topple the American Government by killing President George W. Bush. Mobilizing the entire Mexican air force, the Mexican Government were desperate for an experienced leader to head off this force. Without Pancho, who had been killed in the Battle of Corpus Christi, they turned to Cindy Sheehan, who had spent much of her past 2 years on the streets Crawford. She graciously accepted the job, and the force was prepared to strike by December 8th, 2007.

While Texas had achieved land superiority over the Mexicans with the help of Chuck Norris, this would be entirely circumvented by performing an Air Strike. But the Texas Air National Guard was fully prepared to face the impending assault head-on. George W. Bush agreed to lend his fighter pilot skills to the guard, and led the division into combat. The Mexican air force met with the National Guard over Crawford, and immediately began to fire taco enriched weapons and jalapeño missiles at the defending F-22's. But the tide quickly turned after the National Guard began to return fire. Several dog fights began, including a decisive one in which Cindy Sheehan engaged George W. Bush's plane directly. Dodging the spicy rocket, he made a nose dive and soon was behind Cindy Sheehan's aircraft. Firing his only missile left, George W. Bush hit Cindy Sheehan's left wing, upon which her plane began spinning out of control towards Mexico, where it went on to crash land directly on top of former Mexican president, Vicente Fox, killing him and Cindy instantly.

Elsewhere in the battle, all but 4 Mexican F-5's were shot down, the 4 remaining abandoned the mission. The Texas Air National Guard had unsuccessfully defended Crawford which was destroyed. Plans for a powerful superweapon that could kill millions was in the making.

George W. Bush celebrates victory.

With a new President and General, Sanchez, an attempt was made to gain air supremacy over Texas. The Texas Air National Guard, led by George W. Bush, countered a major offensive led by Cindy Sheehan, preventing the Mexicans from taking the air.

Battle of Pinto Frijoles[edit]

This battle was fought in the backlot behind Jones' Garden Center and Refreshments. The Mexican Walking Cavalary performed a frontal flanking maneuver against the combined American-Bulgarian troops being led by General Franklin Pierce. The battle was a see-saw affair as the fortunes of both forces went up and down. The battle is noted for Franklin Pierce's bravery after smacking his sack against his saddle horn and refusing to be taken from the field. It is said the high pitched commands he uttered after the saddle incident could be heard above the din of battle and allowed the American-Bulgarian forces to rule the day.and tacos kiilled evereyone. THE END

Fall of Washington[edit]

The Fall of Washington was a battle in the Mexican-American War, taking place in Washington D.C. After the devastating loss for Mexicans in the Battle of Corpus Christi, in which Ted Kennedy was detained by US Forces, Democratic Congressmen and Senators cried foul. Citing Ted Kennedy's superb voting record, the Democrats began to fight the Republicans for control of the Capital building.

The Congressman's Balls[edit]

Shortly after the Battle of Corpus Christi, the US Congressmen had their annual Congressmen's Ball. Attending were all the sober, such as Rick Santorum, Harry Reid, and the like. During opening ceremonies, Harry Reid made a speech to all attending, requesting that they put aside political differences and instead, have a "gay old time together". Quickly after Reid's speech ended, Republican Congressman Bill Frist called Reid a pussy from his front row seat.

From here, Reid subsequently shot Frist several times in the chest after he reportedly manned a turret (or "Maxim gun") that was located on the podium. The Republican Party looked on in horror, but a thunderous applause began to fill the room from mostly the Democratic Party. Bill Frist died instantly.

The former mayor of Corpus Christi, the Quaker Oats Guy, and political figures below him in the city marched to Washington to protest and call attention to the aftermath of the Battle of Corpus Christi.

Henry Garrett immediately marched into Harry Reid's office and demanded he offer Mexico a peace proposal; Harry Reid demanded Henry swallow a cheese grater. From there, the two had a brief verbal scuffle before Harry Reid jumped across the desk and strangled Henry Garrett to death with a robe sash.

Harry Reid upon taking over Washington.

With the defeat of the entire Mexican Airforce in one battle, Democrats, fearing an impending American Victory, took over Washington, and effectively the entire Northeast. For reasons unknown, New Brunswick and Nova Scotia were also taken over. As George W. Bush was in Texas, they were unable to capture him, allowing the US to regroup and prepare its next move.

American Counter-attack[edit]

Southwest Campaign[edit]

The Southwest Campaign was a counter-invasion led by Arnold Schwarzenegger. After his earlier retreat from California to the invading Mexicans, he had assembled a skilled team of soldiers to work with him in a quest to retake the lost land. Mexico had appointed Sánchez the new leader of the Mexican army, and they had high hopes he could repeat the stunning victories of Pancho against the American forces.

New Mexico and Arizona[edit]

Helicopters over Arizona.

The Campaign began with an extensive push from Colorado south into New Mexico. Sánchez decided to withdraw his forces west towards Arizona, where defense would be easier. The US division followed them into Arizona, where the Mexicans stood and fought. Sánchez's forces were extensively pushed westward and were unable to hold Phoenix. Upon retaking the capital, minutemen leader James Gilchrist, and several minutemen joined Schwarzenegger. By this point in time the Mexican army had lost several thousand soldiers, and Sánchez gave the order to abandon Arizona entirely and once again head West, this time to California.

Battle of California[edit]

In a last-ditch effort for victory, Sánchez deployed Mexico's elite jaguar warrriors.

As the Mexicans closed in Arnold Schwarzenegger had to make a choice, it seemed the world did not know of this attack yet, and while he could escape, he would lose his beloved California. Saying that he would never retreat from a good fight, he sent all the people to Austria and sent a telegram with them. Armed only with the finest men in Washington, Arnold held the defenses of the state for 5 weeks, appering as a beacon of hope where the fighting was the fiercest. As they fought they hoped the message had got through that someone who could help was warned. The fight culminated on the steps of Capitol Building. Arnold fell that day, grabbing handfulls of Mexicans and tossing them into the sun as he did so, the survivors formed a wall around his broken body and fought to protect it until help could arrive.

Sánchez assembled a defensive line on the Arizona border, which proved ineffective when the soldiers gave in to temptation and crossed the border several times. The American forces steamrolled by them and headed northwest towards Sacramento. In the single bloodiest battle of the entire war, upwards of 400,000 Mexican soldiers fell, nearly half of which was from friendly fire. Sánchez had proven ineffective in command of the army, but the lack of better generals, or in fact any generals led him to remain in power for the remainder of the fight.

Finally, Sánchez agreed to surrender what remained of his force. Arnold had lived up to his promise to return, and entered Sacramento for the first time since his retreat, now welcomed as a two time liberator. When questioned about which he considered to be the hardest liberation, he commented "Gray Davis."

Aftermath[edit]

Arnold Schwarzenegger returns to Sacramento.

From Colorado, Arnold Schwarzenegger launched a campaign aimed at removing the Mexican strongholds from all of the Southwest. Over several days, he successfully pushed into California and defeated Sanchez at every turn. Some speculate that Pancho would have fared much better and possibly defended the land. With the victory in the Southwest Campaign, the southern theatre was effectively ended. But to the north, Washington D.C. remained under Democratic rule.

Operation: Hammer[edit]

Operation: Hammer began at the start of the new year, and brought to a conclusion the Mexican-American War. With the Mexicans themselves vanquished, only the Democrats in the Capital remained. Tom Delay, known as "The Hammer" during his tenure as congressman, was called upon to retake the capital.

By this point, Reid and his cronies had taken control of Congress, and were running amuck. Delay, and his remaining forces, set out to destroy the Democratic dictatorship. Under the inspiration of Dick Cheney, or as the Democrats knew him, "Long Dick", the Republicans stormed the front gate, demanding Reid and his allies throw down their arms or get blown to hell. Reid laughed, and planted a round from his pistol into Delay's leg.

From here, a fierce fight broke out; it looked a lot like the ending fight scene in Braveheart. Eventually, all that were left were the two standing: Delay and Reid. Reid, now only armed with a spear, and Delay, armed with a shotgun, seemed to be in a stalemate. It wasn't until Reid took Rick Santorum hostage that Delay threw his weapon down. From there, Reid broke Santorum's neck, and impaled Delay in the chest with his spear.

At this point, Wil Wheaton walked into the room and broke up the fighting, giving all still alive a brief time-out, then ordering them to go outside and play. Delay survived, Santorum died, and Reid got a spanking.

Tom Delay's victorious return to Washington.

At the end of the war, the Republicans, lead by Tom Delay, charge Washington and take the Democrats head-on in a bloody battle. Peace is restored and balance is brought back to D.C., until Barack Obama came.

Democratic and Mexican counter-attack[edit]

Democratic Takeover and fall of the Republicans[edit]

After Mexicans felt that there empire was thretaned by the Republicans, Democratic elect Barack Obama decided to contribute. He and his Army of Democrats and Mexican soldiers marched to Washington. Declaring war on Republicans, led by John McCain. Eventually Mexico and Democrats teamed up and took over DC.

Invasion of Florida[edit]

Mexico had invaded Florida after Florida has more pro-Mexican supporters then anti-Mexican opponents. The Mexican Army had taken attack from the Bahamas, then kicked America's ass. America was preparing to fall.

Caribbean Campaign[edit]

Battle of Santiago[edit]

As the Mexicans and Russians lost there former Empire,they decided to take over some of it back. Mexican forces and Spartan forces took revenge of the USA.Making Mexico and Russia part of the Cuban Empire. The United States then bought half of Mexico for 15.4 million pesos, or $2.99 USD and later got there revenge on Russia by selling them 500 pounds of Vodka. But the Island is still disputed.

End of the war[edit]

Although the Americans had taken much land back, the Mexicans had the secret weapon of being drugged on buritoes, this gave them a fanatical spirit menaing the Americans could never completely defeat them. In April 2010, the Mexicans staged a counter-counter attack where thousands of immigrants washed over America taking most of the states by surprise as they took many down many before they could react in a tide of fake passports and donkeys. There were many famous scenes of bravery in the battles that ensued, men fighting off hordes of Mexican soldiers by throwing buckets of water over them to sober them up as their families escaped. By June All but California under the command of President Schwarzenegger had fallen to the Mexicans and they prayed that a miracle would save them.

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For the uncouth among us who choose lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about The First Mexican invasion of America.

The Most Destructive War Ever in the History of Mankind[edit]

Thankfully Arnold's message got through and a group composing of Bruce Willis, Oscar Wilde, Vin Diesel, Your Mom, a couple of hundred Na'vi, Sylvester Stallone and lead by Chuck Norris and Duke Nukem arrived by Helicopter. There are no records of what happened after that but the war rages on…

See Also[edit]