Military history of the United Kingdom

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The military history of the United Kingdom covers the period from the creation of the united Kingdom of Great Britain in 1707, with the political union of England and Scotland, to the present day.

Throughout history, the British military has enjoyed access to the finest hardware and equipment in the world. Whether fighting a guerilla army during the American Revolutionary War while wearing bright red dress uniforms visible from space, to happily pootling around the pleasure gardens of Iraq and Afghanistan in the heavily armored Snatch landrover (named after the tight cunts running the Ministry of Defense), the British soldier can be sure that his leaders are fully behind him, usually by several thousand miles.

The British Armed Forces encompass the Royal Navy, the British Army, and the Royal Air Force.

Medieval period

• Battle of Hastings Direct (1066) - This battle all started over car insurance. Esure thought they had the best insurance deals, but Hastings Direct disagreed. This was followed by a bloody conflict, in which the Esure mouse defeated Harod. from that day forward, it was decided that compare the market.com would decide who offered the best car insurance, and that the meerkat from Russia who said "Simples" was secretly the ruler of the universe.
• Hundred Years War (1337 to 1453) - The French King of England was bored one day so he decided to create a war against the easiest targets. The bloody French King and his armies. The war did not actually last for 100 years as everyone back then were illiterate. Instead it lasted 5 minutes until the bloody French surrendered.
• War of the Roses (1455–1485) - The English gardeners started a fight over the issue of "which roses are more beautiful – the red or the white ones?" A similar dilemma emerged many years later in Russia proving that England is far more advanced than Russia in that respect.

Early Modern period

• Anglo-Scottish Wars (1513; 1544-1551) - This was not a good time for England. Scotland, its far tougher, hardier, braver northern neighbor was becoming a huge threat. So England went to war with it, and unfortunately for the English (see Bannockburn, Battle of Stirling Bridge, William Wallace, Robert Bruce), they were owned. So much so, in fact, that James VI of Scotland later became to first king of The United Kingdom, James I.
• Anglo-Spanish War (1585-1604) - The Spanish prepared an invasion fleet of 240 ships. During their voyage they met the greatest defense. English weather. As it rained all of the time they got depressed. Also a slight breeze wiped out most of the fleet so they took the hint and headed home
• English Civil War (1642–1651) - As it was a civil war, everyone was very nice to each other about it. It was not a barbaric revolution like in other countries, but instead was a peaceful beheading of the King and the destruction of his army.

18th century

• American Revolutionary War (1775–1783) - A group of colonials decided to make the worlds largest cup of tea by pouring all their tea supplies into Boston harbour. England was forced to declare war as they did not put the milk in first. 30000 English regulars faced 10000 colonial militia. The English won most of the battles, captured most of the cities and lost all of the war. All in all, a similar performance to its sports teams.

19th century

• Crimean War (1854–1856) - One of England's greatest military victories occurred here. This was the charge of the light brigade. England cunningly made its elite troops run into a valley full of cannons to work out where they were. The plan was successful as the trail of bodies led directly to the cannons.
• Anglo-Zulu Wars (1879) - Part of the "Scramble for Africa". The small English force of 10 men defeated 5000,000,000,000 Zulus blindfolded. It was a close battle with one English soldier grazing his knee. The Zulus never released their version of the battle.
• Bore/Boar/Boer Wars (1880–1881; 1899–1902) - Details have always been sketchy regarding a war reportedly occurring on the southern tip of Africa between England, who wore red pyjamas due to the heat and antelopes, and some farmers, who may or may not have been pigs. George Orwell wrote the most reasonable account of the conflict, which he unaccountably named Animal Farm but seems to have become confused about the names of the major leaders, forgetting that Napoleon had been ousted and conflated some years earlier, and was exiled in San Diego. The pigs were probably not defeated, as no-one in England ever talks about it any more.

20th century

• World War I (1914-1918) - The English used a brilliant new tactic in this war. It involved running at the enemy machine guns with a target painted on their chest. They believed this was the last thing the Germans would expect so they repeated this throughout the war. Amazingly the Germans seemed to be able to predict this move a gunned them all down. It was suggested that the Germans had a high ranking spy. It is believed that the Scottish did a lot of the work and were responsible for the invention of the trench. It is thought that they came up with the idea to stay out of the sun during the long summers of WW1 as their pale skin and ginger hair would not have survived the duration. In 1917, the Brits discovered the art of unsportsmanship and invented the tank, or as it was known back then; "That bally Town we attached wheels to."

At the end, everyone signed a peace treaty and went home.

• World War II (1939-1945) - Then they geared up for Round 2. England didn't really care about Hitler. England just wanted to get back to our scrabble tournment. So he gave him Checkoslovakia's lolly (good farmland and coal) so he'd shut up. But the little fucking buggar wasnt satisfied and took the whole bag from Checkoslovakia. England were going to sort this out, But Churchill just Threwdown D-O-N-T-I-G-N-O-R-E-H-I-M for triple word score, and well.. Chamberlin had to sort that out first. The Englids then sat down for a large meal to celebrate the outstanding victory by the noble Chamerblin, while Hitler Invaded Poland. The Englids were going to sort out that as well, but Archibald Sinclair just popped open the brandy. It could wait till the morning couldnt it? The Soviets will deal with it for now...

However, by the morning Hitler was halfway up Norway

“ In for a penny, in for a pound, eh England? At least I gave her what she needed, go back to your man sized kleenex box. she doesnt put out for any pussy.* ”

the English were horrified at this. God Damn it! England had sat through all those RomComs for jack!. While England knew he had to beat hitler down for stealing her, and was being egged on by France, England took the easy way out. locking itself in its bed room to cry, ripping the posters from its walls and smashing itd guitar with some classic collage rock as soundtrack. Heavy. France However was not going to take that for an answer. France was not going to pussy out (this time) and went to confront Hitler, now with Norway on his arm. What France didnt know was that Goering and Rommel were waiting for him. France got beat down, badly as well. But in classic Hollywood fashion, England manned up and came to the rescue, picking up france and running back over the channel and letting him stay at Englands house till the heat died down.

Funny thing that. England is the only nation on the planet which can turn total defeat into a 'strategic victory' by word of mouth only, and make you believe it. You never did find out what that small indescribable sound that you were hearing around London was.

It was us, Laughing at you.

Anyway.... This was followed by the Battle of Britain which involved getting bombed continuously util the Germans finally ran out of bombs and had to give up. Then the English and their much-hated Scottish and Welsh allies, feeling sorry for the Germans, decided to give them back all their metal by bombing Germany.

Towards the end of the war there was the battle of Normandy. this gave the English the chance to finally invade France and get away with it as it had Germans in it. They used this same excuse when they blew up the bloody French fleet.

• War for Indian Independence (1947) - Indians beat the hell out of the The British Empire, including England and Scotland, and got independence. Then Pakistanis, Bangladeshi, Somalian, Romanian, Russian, Nigerain, African, American etc etc started beating British people every month and they call it Independence day.

21st century

• The MP War (1997-Present) - A day where every English citizen (plus their slaves) and newspaper decided that they fervently hated every politician, MP and government official. A war was started in the name of Bob Hope's ghost who led the Chavtastic army to freedom from the MP oppressors, now branded as paedophile terrorists who hate kittens and are thus reelected in a massive landslide which they regard as a huge mandate from the people to take as much for themselves and their friends as they can get their hands on.

• The "Annoying English Tourist" war (1960-Present) - After the English lost their empire, they were purty pissed off. Unfortunately, they could not accept their obvious inferiority to the Canadian Empire. This caused them to become grouchy and insecure. Dissatisfied with their lot in the world, Many English people longed for far-off places, like Australia, New Zealand, India and other beautiful exotic places that they gave up control of for god knows why.

Many english citizens left on vacation to these places, but their resentment was not welcome. They started complaining about the country they were vacationing in, how the food was bad (when in fact it was good) and how they longed for blood pudding and other gross english stuff. The tipping point that began the war was when King Henry VIII and Tony Blair sojourned within Barack Obama's pancreas. Tony Blair, upon complaining about how "dark" it was, was met with great anger. The Obamans were in uproar of this "obviously racist" comment. Blair and Henry VIII were exponged from the country via digestive tract, effectively rendering the the two into litteral pieces of shit.

The english, being miserable and grouchy, equaled the Obamans in anger. They argued that anyone's pancreas would be dark, since the pancreas is not normally exposed to light. But it was no use. The Obamans were convinced that Tony Blair was racist. On July 4th, 2351, the Obamans declared war.

Soon, other countries reported their dissatisfaction with english tourists. In Thailand, many were angry over Michael Cane's mockery of the Thai monarch, King BoomyBawlz "da Foxxx" Johnson. Nobody had mocked him before, apparently. The situation in Colombia was far worse, however. Keith Richards, on his vacation there, could not help but speak up about the Alien-Slave trade going on in the country. Richards was not aware of the fact that the Aleins were from the planet Xangsowatlern, and that they embraced their slavery with joy, as was the custom o their race (The Xangowatlernians were wiped out shortly after the war because they were very stupid). Other countries like Nigeria, Lichtenstein, and Brunei Joined the Obamans in their fight against the English as well.

The only country that came to England's defense were their old enemies, the French. Unfortunately, the French surendered twenty-six seconds after joining the war on England's side. Their country was annexed by Thailand, and the French, to this day, are all kept as pets of King BoomyBawlz Johnson.

England, being pathetic and stupid, were weak militarily. They could not stand a chance against the great Aven Starchasers of Nigeria, or the Crolnerts of Lichtenstein. Colombia sent a million of their Xangowatlernians. They were mostly used as cannon fodder. And Thailand only sent King BoomyBawlz. England was quickly overwhelmed, and many people died. Soon only London was under English jurisdiction, and thus began the great siege of London, which lasted 40 years.

The citizens of London had no access to food or water. Within the first year many died of starvation. Over the next 39 years, factions were formed to find and eat the weak, as they were the only source of food. King Henry VIII and Tony Blair, once great friends, now were turned against eachother in the "faction wars of London". They battled fiercely, and after those 39 years, Only King Henry VIII and Tony Blair were left. They were the last English people alive. They faced eachother at Piccadilly Circus, for it had the stupidest name among the landmarks of London. They wrestled for hours, but finally King Henry VIII won by stabbing Blair in the eye with his finger. The King then Proceeded to eat Tony.

With the strength and power gained from ingesting the great Tony Blair, Henry VIII powers became superior to 9000. This unprecedented development allowed him to crash open the gates of London and Face King BoomyBawlz "da Foxxx" Johnson in one-on-one combat. Both were fat and strong, and the battle lasted 12 more years. Until finally King Henry VIII summoned Gandalf and killed BoomyBawlz. The King then went off to the undying lands and lived forever.