Major Radish Mafia Standoff

Major Radish's Squad hunting for radish cartel members shortly before the incident. Photograph captured by a cameraman they threw really high in the air.

The Major Radish Mafia Standoff was a brief conflict between the American Military Division 169 led by Major Charles Radish and a major radish cartel known as May-Jour Rad Eesh on the island of Radddish off the coast of Texas in 1934. It led to 38 dead Cartel members, 13 dead military officers (most of whom were privates so who cares), 17 dead civilians, and an increase in radish prices worldwide which pissed off everyone because food was already very scarce due to the ongoing Great Depression. It was remembered as a tragedy by some, and a turning point in the US conflicts against the Radish Cartels.

Beginning Of The Conflict

Shipwrecked Radish Cartel

The shipwrecked Cartel Radish Vessel. The lost Radishes spilled on the ground after a container of them broke. Captured by a random cartel member who liked his fancy portable camera.

A large Cartel cargo ship with several large shipping containers carrying an illegal strain of radish banned by the United States government for its hallucinogenic properties was sailing off the coast of Texas when a massive storm hit. This caused the Cartel ship to crash-land on the small island of Radddish, with a population consisting of one old goat farmer named Buck. When Buck saw the shipwrecked vessel he offered to help but upon discovering the illegal radish supply he decided to send a radio transmission to his former college roommate Major Charles Radish. Major Radish agreed to come help Buck by bringing his military naval unit towards the island.

Major Charles Radish's Fleet

Despite being an army commander not a naval commander, Major Charles Radish decided one day we wanted to switch to a naval role instead, and begged with superiors with puppydog eyes to give it to him until he eventually gave in and gave him command of three military cruisers and told him to patrol the waters off the coast of Texas to fight against the radish and cheese cartels. Upon hearing the call from Buck he knew this was his chance to prove himself as a naval officer and he decided to go all out on taking down the Radish Cartel Members.

Embarrassing Slip Up

Major Charles Radish was so desperate to get in a true battle that upon seeing a nearby Mexican fishing vessel that had been rerouted following the previous night's storm, he immediately fired on the vessel. The fishing vessel was almost instantly destroyed, killing 16 of the 19 fishermen civilians inside, 3 of which fled on a life boat directly towards the island of Radddish.

“Whoops”

– Major Radish when questioned about the mistake

This would go on to increase tensions between Mexico and the United States, and play a role in the upcoming conflict.

First Shots

Upon reaching the island of Radddish Major Radish quickly saw the shipwrecked Radish Cartel cargo vessel and directly fired on it without hesitation, not knowing that it was completely empty of cartel members and at that time. All this served to do was to alert the Cartel members on the island to his arrival and destroy most of their precious radishes.

Absolute Panic

Initial Blows

After the initial cannon attacks on the empty Radish Cartel Vessel, the 44 Cartel members were immediately thrown into panic knowing that the U.S. Military had discovered them. Several of them sprung into a violent punching match with each other, after arguing over how to proceed. Eventually the Cartel Leader Mr. Rub Dungus, reestablished command and control by shooting the ceiling with his gun and loudly yelling that he would shoot anyone who didn’t calm down and try to come up with an actual plan.

He ordered that 3 members of the Cartel would go investigate in order to see what they were truly up against. The three members saw their destroyed cartel ship, and the US Military ships landing on the beach beside it and immediately opened fire on the US Troops on the beach. They missed dramatically because they were really far away and immediately fled back to Buck’s house, which the Cartel had established as their base. This alerted the US troops and Major Radish to the Cartel's position and that they were openly hostile. Major Radish ordered a kill on sight order to all Cartel members on the island and decided to rally the Troops to annihilate the Cartel members once and for all.

The Cartel's Plan

One of the Radish Cartel member snipers. Captured by a random cartel member who liked his fancy portable camera.

Knowing that they were currently surrounded and out gunned the Cartel knew it needed a solid pan if it wanted to survive the oncoming altercation. They immediately set up snipers all around Buck's house in order to hold off and slow down the advancing U.S Troops. They knew Buck had a small boat that could potentially get them to the mainland but didn’t know where it was.

They decided to lock Buck up in his shed with two Cartel member guards who would torture him to get information on where his boat was. They would then dig trenches around his house to use and defend to fight off the oncoming US troops. They quickly set up booby traps all along the pathway to Buck's house hoping these would be enough to take out some of their attackers. However a much larger opportunity would quickly land in their laps.

The 3 Fisherman Caught in the Crossfire

The 3 Mexican fishermen whose cargo vessel the US military had destroyed soon landed on the island. They stumbled around the island yelling out for help and soon stumbled upon Buck’s house, where the Cartel promptly captured them, then realizing they could be used as hostages they were promptly and forcefully thrown in the shed with Buck.

The U.S. Military's Direct Attack

The U.S. Military began their direct assault on the Cartel hidden away in Buck's house. They stormed down the road, being shot at by Cartel snipers killing 3 soldiers. The military also had to deal with the booby traps along the road, however these were mostly ineffective actually killing several Cartel members who accidentally stumbled into them actually helping the US military. The troops reached Buck’s house only to soon stall to a halt when several Cartel members mentioned that they had hostages. Extremely annoyed by the incident Major Radish initially suggested just busting in and letting the hostages die, but then was stopped after his second in command recommended against it.

“Like what the hell bro!!!?!  I think that violates the Geneva Conventions”

– Captain Ish Rad after Major Radish suggested just letting the hostages die

Due to the Geneva Conventions violation concerns the two sides were locked in a stalemate beginning the official standoff. For four hours not much happened as the two sides mostly just yelled at each other until eventually Rub Dungus agreed to parley with Major Radish to bring an end to the standoff.

Buck's Last Stand

Buck's Ancestors

Buck was the descendant of a long line of cowboys and ranchers that ran ranches all across Texas. His ancestors fought for the Confederacy, and were still sore about losing, and instilled values of self defense and fighting within their children. Buck had been forced to prepare for combat his whole life, while working on his family's farm and eventually got so fed with the lifestyle that he retired to his own little mini-farm alone on the island. However his killer instincts were still deep within him. When captured at gunpoint and dragged into the shed he knew he would fight back it was just a matter of time. Soon the Mexican fishermen were thrown into the shed as well and he knew the time had come.

Siege of the Shed

Before the Cartel members in the shed could torture him and the fishermen he allegedly wriggled free of the Cartel members grip and grabbed opened up a hidden compartment in the floor boards. From there he picked up his signature Japanese katana that his ancestors had stolen from a Japanese immigrant 60 years prior, and used it to kill 2 of the Cartel members. The third he held as a hostage in order to keep the other Cartel members outside. The Cartel member he had captured was Rub Dungus's favorite comedian within the group, and he did not want him hurt. Now armed with the stolen revolvers of the dead Cartel members the Mexican fishermen joined Buck in the standoff.

Two twin Radish Cartel members lay siege to Buck's shed. Captured by a random cartel member who liked his fancy portable camera.

Now having to deal with two standoffs simultaneously, Rub Dungus was losing his mind. He eventually agreed to Parley with Major Radish, in which the two got absolutely nowhere in negotiations and simply challenged each other to an arm wrestling match, which Major Radish claims to have won despite numerous reports to the contrary. After the parley Rub Dungus was in such a foul mood he walked up to Buck's shed and requested a duel to the death.

1v1 Duel

Buck agreed to the terms of the duel. The two would stand 20 feet apart and shoot each other with pistols, classic western style. If Buck won, the Cartel would let him and the fishermen go. If Rub won then his favorite comedic cartel member would be set free. The two squinted at each other before one of the Cartel members yelled draw. The two fired their pistols and both promptly shot each other. Rub Dungus died almost immediately yelling out several racial slurs so old most people at the time would have forgotten them as he perished. It was rumored that he also yelled several racial slurs which did not exist yet at that point but this is largely dismissed as fiction.

Buck's Dying Words

Buck fell to his knees gasping for breath. The Cartel gathered around to see if he would live.

“Tell my family I hate them”

– Buck, before succumbing to blood loss

The Cartel didn’t know what to do without their leader or with the fact that both duel combatants had died. In the confusion the three Mexican fishermen fled the shed and escaped, leaving the Cartel member they had held hostage alive and tied to a chair with his own shirt.

Yugoslavia's Involvement

Yugasovia President Marshal Tito using his sheer aura to avoid the consequences of his Navy's illegal actions in the Gulf of Mexico.

A Fisherman's Origins

One of the fishermen's moms was an immigrant from Yugoslavia who moved to Mexico because she just loved tacos that much. The fisherman had managed to find the same radio that Buck had used to call for the U.S. military and now he decided to use it to call for the Yugoslavian Navy. The Yugoslavian navy had a small fleet secretly and illegally stationed in the Gulf of Mexico researching old artifacts from the Finno-Korean hyperwar. Upon hearing the transmission they immediately headed over in order to save the fishermen.

A Second Navy Fleet Arrives

The U.S Military was shocked to see another war fleet show up. It was reported by several US soldiers that the Yugaslov army arrived so quietly and no one had noticed they had arrived until the Yugaslov troops were amongst them. When the Yugoslavians arrived quickly and immediately began running up the beaches and towards Buck's house. The U.S. troops tried to stop them, but for fear of starting another conflict they were also intimidated by the Yugoslavian Navy's sheer aura. It is said one US private died not due to the fighting but because a Yugaslov looked at him with a sexy aura filled smolder in his eye, causing the US private who was a repressed homosexual to instantly die of stress caused by his conflicted feelings.

Effortless Victory

Major Radish was discussing new plans with his men, not knowing that the hostages had escaped and that Cartel Leader Dungus was dead. They saw the Yugoslavians arrive en masse before they began gunning down the Radish Cartel members, jumping into the gunning or cutting them down in droves. It only took 20 minutes before most Cartel members were dead or surrendered and the standoff was over. The radish cartel was so easily defeated a few of the US Troops began to question if Major Radish was actually a competent leader if this random military could easily accomplish what he hadn't. Only a few began to question because most had begun to question Major Radish's competence a long time ago.

Yugaslovian War Vessel using its sheer aura to intimidate everyone.

Refuses to Elaborate Then Leaves

The Yugoslavians upon reaching victory said that in exchange for solving their problems the U.S. would not mention their involvement, or the illegal weapon’s research. Major Radish was extremely annoyed at first, however seeing the position he was in eventually agreed. Major Radish would go on to later break this agreement, causing a brief international incident, however no one wanted to deal with the Yugoslavians due to their sheer aura so their illegal fleet was largely ignored on the world stage. After taking out the Radish Cartel, the Yugolovians immediately left, taking the fishermen, as well as Buck's goats who were crammed in his barn the whole time, with them, ultimately leaving Major Radish in charge. Their retreat was so efficient that it was said the Yugaslovs did not even leave footprints in the beach sand.

End Of The Conflict

The Cartel’s Final Surrender

One of the few pictures taken of Charles Radish's book "How I Saved Every Radish on the Planet" taken before all known copies were destroyed.

Buddy Dunkin (the grand uncle of the founder of Dunkin Donuts) was the highest ranking member of the surviving Cartel, though his official surrender didn’t mean much since most were dead. Major Radish has secured the premises of Buck’s house and was already scheming ways to use the incident to make him look good and boost his career. Unfortunately he received a call from his superior saying that he was relieved from command and a new group of troops would be taking over the situation.

More Competent Troops Arrive

More competent U.S Troops soon arrived and locked down the whole island, relieving Major Radish of his command much to his soldier’s delight. The remaining Cartel were shipped off to be tried in Texas court, and the island was put under lockdown for several days before later being converted into a navy base to fight against the other Radish Cartel groups, as well as the Carrot Cartels that arose in the region during the 1940s after rumors began that carrots were so good for your eyes you could snipe Nazi planes out of the sky with the naked eye.

Major Radish's Embarrassment

Major Radish immediately tried to claim the whole thing as a victory for him, even referring to the event as the Major Radish Mafia Standoff even though he had been fighting a Cartel not a Mafia. This ended up going extremely poorly for him as he was mocked and ridiculed by the Military and the public alike for the event and his incompetence in it. He eventually retired from the military and wrote a novel entitled "How I Saved Every Radish on the Planet" which failed to make a splash only selling 2 copies both to his mom. The book didn't launch his new career or change the public's opinions of him in the slightest.

The Lawsuits

Several lawsuits sprung up due to the incident. Buck’s family sued the U.S Military for its negligence during the incident leading to Buck’s death. The US was so annoyed by the whole thing that it simply decided to settle for an undisclosed amount of money and put Buck's name on a list of American heroes somewhere. Major Radish was sued for defamation over his novel about the subject which sold two copies before being sued by several soldiers involved for false claims about their characters, eventually forcing him to retire to his parents house in disgrace and poverty. Living out the rest of his life as a poor farmer in rural Iowa.

A massive Radish farm attempted to sue the soldiers for accidentally destroying their radishes in the combat but it didn't go anywhere. The US government allegedly threatend some of the family members of the Radish farm, and protest groups didn't want the large agricultural farm to get involved with politics. The Farms Owner's said that was ridiculous but they quickly surrendered to the protesters and the government and dropped the suit. An SNL skit was made about the lawsuit but it never aired after disastorous reactions from the live audience recordings.

Lasting Impact

The Radish Trade

The legal Radish trade was greatly affected by the incident for the next few years. Radish boats were heavily staffed with mercenaries to prevent the goods from being stolen. Mexico also refused to sell Radishes to the US for several years as revenge for the fishermen before giving in after they stopped caring about a few human lives getting in the way of potential money. The whole incident massively drove up the worldwide price of radishes, leading to several fights in grocery stores over the beloved root vegetable. It was also used by anti-government protestors as another sign of government incompetence leading to even more economic stability and increased food prices.

The Illegal Radish Trade

The illegal Radish trade was also greatly affected. The new base constructed to fight the Radish Cartels led to violence in the area increasing however eventually due to internal power struggles after Rub Dungus’s death the Cartels mostly collapsed after a decade, something which the US and Major Radish both took credit for. May-Jour Rad Eesh, the direct Cartel involved, said the incident would not affect its operations, even though it led to their reputation being ruined and other radish cartels, soon killing them all.

Due to both legal and illegal methods of acquiring radishes becoming impacted, radishes as a whole became hard to come by for a few decades until a new easy to grow super-radish was invented by a poor middle eastern scientist before Monsanto stole her patent and research. They took credit for the invention and used it to make billions in profits. The easier to grow radishes massively increased the world's supply and brought prices down.

Barack Obama holds up a diseased radish, saying that if Mit Romney was president during the Major Radish Mafia Standoff this is what all radishes would look like.

Barack Obama

Barack Obama briefly mentioned the Major Radish Mafia Standoff in an interview during the 2012 Election, stating that if Mitt Romney were in charge during the incident he would have handled the incident poorly and crippled the worldwide radish trade with pointless wars and fighting. He famously held up a rotten radish and said this is what all radishes would look like if Romney was president during the Major Radish Mafia Standoff.

Critics said this was not an effective strategy to win votes due to the public's lack of knowledge about the incident and the lack of relevance to the current political issues and debates. This would go down as one of the last times the Major Radish Mafia Standoff was mentioned by a major political figure besides one time when JD Vance falsely claimed his great grandfather was involved then immediately retracted his statement.