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Award of Confusion!

Apparently this article is damned funny. It is not an inside joke or vanity page, but you pretty much need a PhD to get it. Or so we've been told, most of us seem to prefer humour involving masturbation and/or Jesus. The contributor may have been masturbating over a picture of Jesus. You can send them to hell by giving them an atomic fisting.

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Goldfish crackers, or Classic Dick Cheese™?

Cheese was invented by Osama bin Laden to make Americans fat, as seen in Michael Moore's hit musical, Super-Size Me. Cheese is cheesy, and the only thing cheesier than cheese would have to be Donald Doodie Dump. He originally had a toupée made of string cheese, but the evil chainsaw-wielding goose that broke Fabio's nose in 1999 ate it off of Trump's orange head during his 2016 inauguration reception. [1]

It has long been believed that cheese is the holiest substance in existence. Eating cheese is proven to cure Anal Cancer, Hepatitis Z, Boredom, Osteoporosis and West African Plunger Disease. Smoking cheese gives you the powers of Jesus, Chuck Norris, Super Sentai Series and Optimus Prime combined. Cheese also works quite well as a substitute for vaseline. Unsurprisingly, The French have recently declared Swiss cheese to be 'the new sex', but you should never try to have sex with your Swiss, no matter how big the holes are.

Cheese Nutting.

Cheese is also found on the Moon, although it is the blue variety. It is said that the Man on the Moon (and his pet rabbit) creates it. This type of cheese is much more nutritious than terrorist cheese, and almost as nutritious as fried cheese.

'Cutting the cheese' is also the name for a shitty maneuver in a video game.

How to make cheese[edit | edit source]

Caution - Health Advisory: DO NOT EAT THE CHEESE.

Take some stuff, mix it together, let it grow mold, and then sell it to high class people with 'mature tastes.' It is also possible to find someone who has made a "cheese and crackers" platter, and by using a complex extraction process (stealing) take the cheese from the aforementioned "cheese and crackers." You worthless freeloader. You could have just gone to the moon and gotten some, but you need a rocket.

The Truth of the Word Cheese[edit | edit source]

Don't trust what your teacher tells you. According to the Bandersnatch, the word "cheese" is plural of "choose." Also, "choose" is a common misspelling of "chose," which is past tense for "chooses."

Cheese Through the Ages[edit | edit source]

For many eons and millennia, cheese was and always will be the backbone of many great civilizations. In fact, in the language of the ancient Aztec the word cheese represents “the lunar skeleton," or “the puppeteer of society." This gives insight into why excavators found large cheese mechs, like the Kaiju in Pacific Rim, in many caves and ravines. They have cloaking devices that make their cheesey presence unknown to locals. Yet the people who feared them, such as the people who tried to make the Aztecs more civil, created giant mice robot mutants to eat the cheese. This move was further ensured by the government, who added large, hairless rats in combatting the sentient cheese. Where did the cheese come from? Who controlled it? Although many may not know, the cheese retaliated long ago; the moon is its headquarters and they developed large mouse traps to ensnare the mutant rats long before the government issued this decree. Actually, the sentient cheese created these giant mouse traps before the Aztecs even arrived. The question remains: who are these cheesy monsters? And where do they come from? One thing is for sure, however. People have sided with the cheese and formed cults surrounding their cheese gods. People have heard about these cults and decided to create food cults, worshipping spaghetti or radishes, yet the ultimate power is the cheese one. People have attempted to attain Nirvana by saturating themselves full of cheese to the point of constipation, taking extremely hard, painful, rock-solid doodie dumps into their Louis Crapper toilets. The word Freemasons is an anagram of “mess," indicating the mess that making cheese will create.

Cheese has long been used as the standing currency of the state of Wisconsin. Wisconsin state Congress was lobbied by the Cheese-Backs as well as the NAACP (National Association for the Advancement of Cheese Payments)in the early 20th-century, forcing them to enact the Free Coinage of Cheese Act of 1912. With cheese as their official currency, banks, such as Bank of American Cheese, have been forced to install refrigerated vaults to prevent the theft and consumption of the valuable Wisconsin cheese. Many people fear, that with the invention of advanced counterfitting techniques, criminals will replicate the currency and destroy the fragile Wisconsonian economy of Wedges, Cheeseaboos, and Wheels.

Cheese in Math[edit | edit source]

If there is one equation that math teachers should always teach before the basic 1+1=2, it is definitely Albert Einstein's Theory of Cheeseology:

Taking his famous equation of: E=M·C2

One can assume the letters represent:

Cheese=BAcºn+m0º/d< [2]
  • Eat - The E stands for Eat.
  • More - The M stands for More.
  • Cheese - The C stands for Cheese.

Inputting the equation into a word equation we get:

Eat = More Cheese2

The fact that Cheese is squared in the above equation results in eating to excess in order to square the amount of cheese you would normally eat. For example, if you ate 50g of Cheese per day, then to abide by Einstein's Law then you must eat 50g2 in order to be consuming the necessary amount of cheese.

Turning the equation into an English sentence should result in:

"Eat More Cheese than you normally would."

This especially helps if you have diarrhea, as cheese is a natural constipative.

Cheese in Biology[edit | edit source]

Did you know ... People who form sexual obsessions with cheese are known as cheddarsexuals, and may be at high risk for certain cheese-related diseases, such as goudarrhea and swissilis.

It has been proven via medical examinations that various parts of your body are filled with cheese. These include your arteries, nerves, brain, CD drive, and middle toes on your left feet. It is also common knowledge that most women enjoy the taste of the rare Fromunda cheese found only in the fromundal area of the male human body. [3]

To be more accurate your brain is 50% cheese if you have never realised this then you've got a mind block, because half of your brain is clogged with liquid cheese. This is common, so don't panic. To permanently prevent the cheese blockage you can have dairysuction performed at your local hospital.

Cheese in Literature[edit | edit source]

Cheetohs are highly addictive.

Fruit of the Cow, by Wan Fu
Fruit of the cow,
delight of my soul,
my touch, my taste,
my need to know.
My need to be felt,
is my need to feel,
what’s under the wrapper,
of cheese marked "real."

Provolone by Kyle P. Whelliston
Oh, Provolone, how I do ever love thee!
Thy creamy flesh and hot rind intoxicate me.
I recall the times we dallied about, singing
Or spent nights at the fire, laughing,
But as the date on your back approaches, I cry,
"What cruel fate is this, my love's death is nigh!"
I cradle, touch and kiss thee in our final hour,
Now, sobbing, I cut thee open and devour.

How to Tell if It's Cheesy[edit | edit source]

Cheese can refer to[edit | edit source]

Historical periods and events:




The 12 Fundamental Cheeses
*Not to be confused with "Holey" Cheese
The 3 Noble Cheeses
  v · t · e  
*"Negative Cheese" or "Dark Dematta"
  v · t · e  
Chicken Soup for the Eyes
Asparagus ~ Awesomesauce ~ Baby food ~ Bacon ~ Bacon and Cheese Sandwich ~ Beaver Delight ~ Boogers ~ Breakfast ~ Butter ~ Cafeteria food ~ Cake ~ Caviar ~ Cereal ~ Cheese ~ Chicken ~ Chicken 2.0 ~ Codpiece ~ Corn ~ Corn 2 ~ Cornbread ~ Corn Flakes ~ Dogshit sandwich ~ Endangered Specia ~ Fluff ~ French bikinis ~ Fried Chicken ~ Fudge ~ Glass ~ Hot dog ~ Hot Dogs ~ Ice Cream ~ Knuckle sandwich ~ Sacred Mushrooms ~ Mangos ~ Mocha ~ Pancakes ~ Penis ~ Pizza ~ Pie ~ Pills ~ Pudding ~ Orange sherbet ~ Pease pudding ~ Rice Pudding ~ Regenerating meatloaf ~ Rocky Mountain Oysters ~ Sandwich ~ Sauce ~ Sausage Butty Batter Nugget ~ Sausage Festival ~ Silica gel ~ Soylent Green ~ Spam ~ Sugarless Gummy Bears ~ Sunny D ~ Turd burgers ~ Waffles
You Probably Shouldn't Eat This
A.C.I. Monday's ~ Applebee's ~ Arby's ~ Aunt Jemima ~ Benson's ~ Bob Evans ~ Chick-fil-A ~ Dunkin Donuts ~ Hardee's ~ Honey Baked Hams ~ IHOP ~ Jackie Johnson's ~ Jollibee ~ Krispy Kreme ~ Long John Silver's ~ McDonald's ~ Papa John's ~ Pizza Hut ~ PHOP ~ Quiznos ~ Red Lobster ~ Taco Hell ~ Wendy's ~ White Castle

References[edit | edit source]