Fartium

Where farts come from

“Fart noises are hilarious, especially when made with one’s armpits.”

~ Mark Twain

Fart (also ass-plosion, anal deflation, butt burp, ass gas) is an English word that refers to flatulence – the ripping of ass gas out the butt, often audibly. This reference is made only by those who choose to acknowledge its existence. The word "fart" is generally considered unsuitable in a formal conversation and may be considered vulgar in certain environments. However, in the environment and conversation of ten-year-old boys it is de-rigueur to mention the word fart at least twice a minute, and to loudly proclaim any perceived evidence of such an act having taken place. Among older males, acknowledging a fart is still required, but the "twice a minute" rule is not necessary. Farting is an action employed only by males. Girls of course do not fart – they "fluff" and blush like a blood orange. They join those who think farting is immature only because they don't get the joke.

History

Fart jokes in the ancient world

Farts are thought to have originated in the time before mass evolution when every life form was a small microbe. Farts were used a boost application to escape predators, which then evolved into a natural repellent. Then, a few young males needing something to occupy their time while hunting later pioneered its evolution just because they found it entertaining, and passed the art down to every generation of boys since by anal tradition. Farting was even a rite of passage for many in the ancient world, a boy might have to prove himself by out-farting the older males of his tribe. Aristotle was the first to insist that "fart logic" is the only logic undeniably true, and indeed: "He who denied it, supplied it." Later, Descartes based his fundamental ontology on the phrase: "I fart, therefore I am."

Along side it's historical use as weaponry at war, Fartium also was an early free form anaesthetic well known to the Continental European Tribes although considered uncivilized by the Greeks and Romans who preferred to just throw the sick to the lions. Then for the longest time it was considered vulgar.

In the 20th century, the fart joke was reestablished as the main medium for experiencing a fart. Gone were the days of seeing it as a noble art. Despite this, direct facial Fartium exposure rose to prominent as a form of torture, and became known as giving someone a helping of "beef stew". This would have been seen as barbaric in earlier ages, but in the context of the post-modern period, the etiquette of planting one's butt in the face of another and ripping a fart was literally blown out the window. The feminist movement started as a reaction to this practice, which was normally perpetrated by males onto their little sisters – little brothers, as everyone knows, enjoy being farted on.

In the 21st century, Apple is currently creating an amazing product, the "iFart". It will allow you to fart into a microphone, and the frequency of your fart will cause your music player to choose the song your fart wants to hear most. It has been rumored that Microsoft, in response, is working to develop "eFarts", which will allow a user to attach a fart to an email and send it to another user. The incorporation of farting into the Wii and social media shows us that farts will probably become more and more digitized. We may even cease needing males to produce them.

A guy's guide

Still, some rules (for us guys) to live by:

1. Never fart in front of a girl. Do whatever you can to get out of there if you feel one coming on – run to another room or away, say you got to go take care of something, or got to go to the bathroom. (Let 'er rip in there and then go back.) Make sure you're not upwind from her, and that you give a few seconds for the fart to go away. Some farts can follow you around!
2. Never fart in front of a group of girls. Even if they're not your girlfriend, they may tell your girlfriend. All girls are connected to a gossip loop ... if you fart in front of one, she'll tell another who'll tell another who'll tell another, and by the time your girlfriend's heard the news, every girl in town is giving you bad looks. Just don't do it. If you do, skip to 5.
3. Don't talk about your farts or farting. Girls are different, it's not all that interesting to them what you ate that caused the bomb you pumped out the other day in the locker room. If you want to compare a smell or a loud noise to a fart, just replace "fart" with "compost", e.g. "This smells like compost."
4. Keep all your farting to your closest buddies. They won't be telling any girls about it for reason number 3.
5. If you do fart in front of a girl, just say "excuse me." That can work. Other times, the girl will kick you between the legs, until you grovel for mercy. You should keep at the begging for forgiveness for about fifteen minutes. By then, she will have calmed down, although she will probably kick you one last time for good measure.
6. Ignore 1 through 5 when you are around other guys.

The classic "one cheek sneak"

Deployment

Never do it in public, lest you die.

The common method of delivering a fart is, if sitting, to lean over onto one leg and trump loudly into the cushions. If standing, then one must orient the rump in an opportune direction and direct a manly staccato blast. High-pitched or "girly" farts are strictly to be avoided and are much frowned upon. Then depending on the location and general company, one will usually raise one's eyebrows as if totally surprised by the interjection, and then waft the hand and deliver a short, and to the point epithet that will help others around him to gauge the likely "egginess" of the impending aroma. "Better out than in" has, these days fallen out of fashion, as has the more schoolboy-like excited cry of "Get a load of that!" The more modern man will deliver a jolly "Wooahh!" if the deliverance has been of impressive volume and length. An oft-featured "follow-up" fart can then be exclaimed with a "Good arse!" encouragement to one's anus.

Whilst at school it is the accepted custom that if one is near a kid who has just "blown off" (or "boffed") to loudly make an exclamation, and then to bury one's nose under one's outer garment. A dangerous state of events can ensue from remarking too quickly on a fellow’s fart. Calling out too quickly will lead to an accusation of "He who smelt it dealt it." This claim must quickly be followed by a rejoinder of "The one who said the rhyme did the crime." Then, if there is another party involved, he can enigmatically add: "The one who denied it supplied it." Great care must be taken if near a kid who is bigger than oneself, as a good twatting will often be meted out to the emitter of the fart.

In Context

Superboi keeps the world warm with atomic flatulence.

Farting is an accepted means of communication between boys and any young male who has trouble getting laid, utilized by every Boy Scout troop (there is a Merit Badge), D and D tree-house club and frat house in the nation. Once it is discovered that the butt makes noises, farting is used a means of covert communication employed when in the midst of those who do not understand fart linguistics. Scores of trained SubGeniuses are currently working round the clock to translate this language. After careful observation of these elusive conversations, it has been found that "pfffff ... FERP!" is fartish for "Hey dudes, how's it hangin'?" And "brrrrrrrrrrrppp!" is fartish for "I likey the big nacho." Go figure.

Farting is also considered an artistic statement. Collectors of fine fart art have private galleries in their bedrooms at their parents' houses, from which they often sell jars to patrons. This happens until their mom finds out and grounds them. While sitting around their bedrooms grounded, they begin capturing and producing their own fart art and selling it to their classmates for something to do, and the cycle repeats. Farting in each others faces is how Scientologists traditionally greet each other as this was the procedure laid down by L Ron Hubbard who was the winner of the MR> Fart award every year in his boyhood Montana.

Otherwise, farting contests are practiced by the Boy Scouts and bar dudes, and are considered a spectator sport (the audience being no less than ten feet away that is).

In science

In physics, a fart is anything that can cause a massive body to accelerate. It may be experienced as a lift, a push, or a pull. The acceleration of the body is proportional to the vector sum of all farts acting on it (known as net fart or resultant fart). In an extended body, a fart may also cause rotation, deformation, or an increase in pressure for the body. Rotational effects are determined by the torques, while deformation and pressure are determined by the stresses the fart creates.

Net fart is mathematically equal to the rate of change of the momentum of the body. Since momentum is a vector quantity (has both a magnitude and a direction), a fart also is a vector quantity.

There has been intense research (especially in Midwest colleges like the University of Minnesota) devoted to isolating the theoretical "poot particle" – a little-known part of Einstein's Theory of Pootivity, postulating that farts may move as quick as light particles – especially if Niels Bohr's hypothesis that most "SBDs" are a misunderstood attempt at communication among advanced intergalactic species.

In Quantum Fartchanics, a fart can be both a farticle or a fartwave, but never at the same moment. In a famous experiment Werner Fartenberg farted particles into a supercollider, hoping to create an anti-fart particle. Unfortunately, the energy of the supercollider created massive heat and ignited the farts and blew up both the laboratory and Werner Fartenberg.

In nature

Dogs are man's best friend and of course, have a fondness of farts. When a dog's parent farts, the dog will get up even from a nap and sniff his crotch. The dog will often wiggle it's nose to tell the parent that it was a good fart. Dogs fart themselves and usually silently and deadly. Dog farts often set off smoke detectors and carbon monoxide detectors, rendering these devices useless. Having a dog is useful for a person who farts because when after cutting a big one, you can blame it on the dog, who will be happy to take credit for it.

Cats do not fart and will attack dogs for farting near them.

Retarded table of the elements

The retarded table of the elements is one of the few element lists that acknowledge Fartium's status as an element, other element lists classifying it as a compound, a mixture, or even a bodily function.

Farting on command

The problem with a fart is that it happens only when it happens, you got to wait for it. So you wait around for it, maybe trying to coax it out, and the times it finally comes are the worst times! Now it's not so funny.

While you're busy trying to hide it, you remember hearing it's possible to fart at will. Doing so, you can make a fart joke on command (when it's actually going to be funny!), make it however long and loud you want it to be (customize it!), and not have to deal with that God-awful smell you're known for. All you have to do is figure out how. Your friends will thank you for it. It's something every guy comes across. Here's the best guide for how to make farts on command. Like any skill, it'll take some practice to get it right ... but that's no biggie. It doesn't matter, this is important!

How to fart on command:

1) Get a pillow and a soft surface.

2) Place your ear on the pillow with your head turned sideways.

3) Put your butt up in the air, bringing your knees as close up to your head as possible. This relaxes your anal opening.

4) Once you're relaxed enough, you should feel a strange sensation ... this is air traveling into your colon (intestines).

Through practice you will be able to do this by just sitting down.

How to light a fart

A Ginger lights a fart.

Fartium is highly inflammable. Igniting farts, also known as fart combustion or pyroflatulation, is practiced by as a sacred ritual in many communities and a rite of passage. It is possible to ignite one's own fart but it is best done with the help of a "spotter". Once you have consumed a meal guaranteed to cause gas, sit on a hard chair. When you feel a fart coming you should grasp the chair firmly with both hands and pull the chair towards your arse until the feeling subsides. This step is to contain as much gas in your bowels as possible before ignition. Once you feel you can not possibly contain any more gas in your bowels, stand up and remove any pants, underwear, skirts, kilts, shirts, brassieres, condoms, or other flammable items from your lower half. If it's cold out you can keep your socks on. Not necessarily on your feet though. Sit on a lazy boy. Have your spotter get ready with a Zippo lighter. (Other lighters that run on butane burn much too hot. Trust me.)

A propane torch or Bunsen burner may also be used. Once your spotter is ready, recline the chair, then grab your ankles and hoist your legs up above your chest. This should point your anus up, allowing the gas to be expelled rapidly and mix with the oxygen in the surrounding air. Your spotter should then hold the flame as close as possible to your anus without burning you. If your spotter burns you, yell. Once the flame is in position, clenching your abdominal muscles should force an ass cheek slapper out. It should mix with the air and ignite. If you've done this properly, a largish orange green fireball should appear and immediately dissipate and detonate in the radial size of a nuke. The feeling experienced is akin to throwing eggshells at a porn star.

Competition

Poor bastards never should have served chili that night.

Farting is sport all over the world. Training often starts very young on the playgrounds and in the bedrooms all over America, and by the time a person is about to go professional, they’re usually seen competing around the world to an audience of millions (guys on YouTube with nothing else better to do, that is). If you got the skills to make the kills, and you think you got what it takes to go pro ... you got to start now. Here’s a simple guide to everything you need to know about how to win your first match. So kids (boys), this one’s specifically written for you.

In a farting match, usually two guys will compete to see who can make the loudest guff. The challenge here is getting it so that you have the higher pitch. You've probably heard the word pitch being used outside of baseball, where pitch means how loud a sound is. What you want in a farting match is a very high pitch, kind of like a trumpet sound. A very low pitch, although usually funnier, doesn't usually get loud enough. To get a high pitch, it's all about force, even if you've sucked in only a little air. You got to push it out fast and furious. It's better if you got a lot of gas or air packed in there because then when you go to push it out fast it really ripples!

If you're competing to have to longer fart, it's all about relaxing. You got to really suck in a lot of air and let it out slowly but still enough to make noise. Some kids have been able to make loud farts that last up to thirty seconds! When you feel yourself getting low, clinch up so that less air gets out, just to keep it going as long as possible. Be careful, because you don't want to put too much force and turn yourself off! A fart is a fart, and not a bunch of farts, so you can't stop and start. The more relaxed you are, the slower it'll come out, and that feels really good.

If you're competing to see who can have the smellier fart, it's a little more luck than it is skill. You can increase your gassy odds by eating things like broccoli, sprouts, cabbage, tofu, and greasy meat. There are a few things you might want to consider before a farting contest that is based on smell.

First, it's hard to tell what "smells" worse, because all farts smell bad, and as the farter, you might not think the smell of your own fart is all that bad. It's always best to get another kid to sniff them and be the judge. (Get someone who is willing, because it won't help if you're holding him down and farting in his face!) Second thing, you have to let the air clear after each fart because the leftover smell can linger and make it hard to tell them apart. Third, this kind of competition is harder because it can work only if you both have to fart at the same time, otherwise, it's too hard to try to work one up on the scratch!

You'll probably draw a small crowd if you do this at recess, as other guys are usually going to want to see it, don't let performance anxiety ruin you, just let it go. Nobody's going to hate you because your fart stank. (No pun intended ... yeah, pun intended.)

Disguising farts

So maybe sometimes you don’t want to go all flash and you want to disguise but also subtly amplify the fart. Many times one particular scenario happens. To be brief, one person perfectly disguises a fart and aims it with such precision, the farter will never get blamed. The fartee will suffer from what we know as W.T.F.I.T.S.S. also know as: What the Fuck is that smell?! Syndrome. This will happen often and will need instant inspection. Usually the guys are the ones who release those methane gas bombs, which contain extreme amounts of the element Fartium, recently explained. For those who mix only in polite company, it may be felt that too much is made of the above problem, but as the common expression for this kind of fart is an SBD ("Silent but Deadly"), it can be readily imagined that the aftershock is of the rawest odor.

This list has been created for any rising detectives on any fart cases.

In that general direction your culprit will be doing one of the following:

• Talking too much, or too little. • Has an uncomfortable expression on their face or is laughing. • Is staring studiously into the middle distance as if examining an uninteresting potted plant. • Inspect gender (usually men are the ones who fart, but here is a little known fact: Women have another element other than Fartium in their farts, they release an estrogenical gas that diverts men's attention to other men).

Those who dislike those who are unjust will do everything they can to protect the fartee.

Farting on public transportation requires no disguising as the farter is surrounded by many fartees, each who thinks the other fartee is the farter.

Advances in Crime Fart Investigating (CFI), have begun to utilize fart-DNA testing, but only in cases where the fart results in a farticide. The Fart Bureau of Investigation (FBI), is building a nationwide database of fart-DNA. There has been talk of requiring fart-DNA samples at birth, but this is a controversial issue, subject to much debate in Congress. Unofficially, Congress is abiding by a "don't ask don't tell" policy when it comes to farting, except in cases of farticide or fartophhiles.

Fart facts

Although there is no current category for high capacity farts, there are some well known records that stand as a goal for all.

• The loudest fart ever recorded occurred on May 16, 1972 in Madeline, Texas by Alvin Meshits. The blast maintained a level of 194 decibels for one third of a second. Mr. Meshits now has recurring back pain as a result of this feat.
• The longest fart ever recorded occurred on December 25, 1988 in Walton, PA by Jenny Winlus. The petite blast lasted for a duration of 17 hours, 23 minutes, 9 seconds with a maximum decibel measurement of 133. Her class voted her most likely to shit herself in public.
• A fart will echo within the acoustics of a toilet.
• Holding in a huge fart is a very difficult task. If one manages to hold it long enough, it will finally implode upon itself, and you will have mastered your anus.
• The most foul fart was released on July 1, 1999, in Macon, Georgia, by a man commonly known as "Bob". While lasting but a mere four seconds, the stench killed livestock both upwind and downwind, and also managed to render three houses and two cars too badly damaged to clean.
• The Champion Fart, a new category for "special" releases that are both loud, long, and lethal have been maintained, but with only seven entries. The best entry is by a nine-year-old boy in Butler, Oklahoma. His blast lasted 2 minutes, 34 seconds, had a decibel measurement of 161, and rendered the school he was enrolled in to be too badly fouled to keep open. Farmlands on the southside of town recorded less than normal yields for seven years.
• Farts can be very embarrassing to the person who dealt it.
• For Scientologists, not only do they fart, their Body Thetans also fart; in addition, Xenu was a champion Farter on his home planet and L Ron Hubbard was a champion Farter in his home state of Montana.
• Farting is considered a way of signifying one's enjoyment of a meal (much like burping) in many foreign/eastern nations. If one doesn't fart post-meal that person is thought to have not enjoyed their meal. If any one person is unable to produce a fart post-meal that is their bad luck. If they don't fart this indicates the food wasn't of a good enough quality to produce a post-meal fart from them. This is their fault as it is their body that will not fart from the food consumption.

See also

• HowTo:Make a Four Year Old Laugh
• Boys
• Queef
• Fart Jar
• Fart fetishism
• Mormons
• Fart Physics
• F.A.R.T.
• Brown Gas
• Nickelodeon
• What happens when you try to fart too hard
• HowTo:Fart without anyone knowing it
• Terrance and Phillip

External stinks, er, links

• The FartMart
• Weis Market, the ultimate fartitorium.
• [1]

Periodic Table of Elements:

 Make sure you memorize these for the test!

Alkali   Alkaline Earth   Transition   Basic

Semimetal   Nonmetal   Halogen   Snoble Gas

Lanthanide   Actinide   Awesomnide   Unverifide

1H Hydrogen

2He Helium

3Li Lithium

4Be Beryllium

5B Boron

6C Carbon

7N Nitrogen

8O Oxygen

9F Fluorine

10Ne Neon

11Na Sodium

12 Mg Magnesium

13Al Aluminum

14 Si Silicon

15 P Phosphorus

16 S Sulfur

17Cl Chlorine

18Ar Argent

19 K Potassium

20 Ca Calcium

21Sc Scandinavium

22Ti Titanium

23 V Vanadium

24Cr Chromium

25 Mn Manganese

26Fe Iron

27 Co Cobalt

28Ni Nickel

29 Cu Copper

30 Zn Zinc

31 Ga Gallium

32 Ge Germanium

33 As Arsenic

34 Se Selenium

35 Br Bromine

36Kr Krypton

37 Rb Rubidium

38 Sr Strontium

39 Y Yttrium

40 Zr Zirconium

41 Nb Niobium

42 Mo Molybdenum

43 Tc Technetium

44 Ru Ruthenium

45 Rh Rhodium

46 Pd Palladium

47Ag Silver

48 Cd Cadmium

49In Indium

50Sn Tin

51 Sb Antimony

99Te Tedium

53 I Iodine

54Xe Xenon

55 Cs Caesium

56 Ba Barium

57-71 La-Lu Lanthanides

72 Hf Hafnium

73 Ta Tantalum

74 W Tungsten

75 Re Rhenium

76 Os Osmium

77 Ir Iridium

78Pt Platinum

79Au Gold

80Hg Mercury

81 Tl Thallium

82Pb Lead

83Bi Bismuth

84Po Polonium

85 At Astatine

86Rn Radon

87 Fr Francium

88 Ra Radium

89-103 Ac-Lr Actinides

104 Rf Rutherfordium

105 Db Dubnium

106 Sg Seaborgium

107 Bh Bohrium

108 Hs Hassium

109 Mt Meitnerium

110 Ds Darmstadtium

111 Uuu Unununium

112 Cn Copernicium

113 Nh Nihonium

114 Fl Flerovium

115 Mc Moscovium

116 Lv Livermorium

117 Ts Tennessine

118 Og Oganesson

119Un Uncyclopedium

120 Ub Unobtanium

121 Aeo Awesomnium

122Fa Fartium

123St Stalinium

124Ob Obamium

125Sl Stalloneium

126 Ad Adamantium

127 Vb Vibranium

-1SuStupidium

1/5Bm Brucium

1/2*Ch Cheesium

3/4Pl Plotonium

4.5Op Opium

∞Hu Homoerectium

57 La Lanthanum

58 Ce Cerium

59Pr Praseodymium

60 Nd Neodymium

61 Pm Pentium

62 Sm Samarium

63 Eu Europium

64 Gd Gadolinium

65 Tb Terbium

66 Dy Dysprosium

67 Ho Holmium

68 Er Erbium

69 Tm Thulium

70 Yb Ytterbium

71 Lu Lutetium

89 Ac Actinium

90 Th Thorium

91 Pa Protactinium

92U Uranium

93 Np Neptunium

94Pu Plutonium

95 Am Americium

96 Cm Curium

97 Bk Berkelium

98 Cf Californium

99 Es Einsteinium

100 Fm Fermium

101 Md Mendelevium

102 No Nobelium

103 Lr Lawrencium

Aluminum · Argent · Arsenic · Awesomnium · Beryllium · Bismuth · Boron · Bromine · Brucium · Caesium · Cerium · Cheesium · Chromium · Carbon · Cobalt · Copper · Francium · Fluorine · Gallium · Gold · Helium · Homoerectium · Hydrogen (Deuterium / Impersonation) · Iron · Fartium · Kryptonite · Lead · Lithium · Mercury · Natrium · Neon · Neodymium · Nickel · Nihonium · Nitrogen · Obamium · Opium · Oxygen · Praseodymium · Platinum · Plotonium · Plutonium · Polonium · Radium · Radon · Ruthenium · Samarium · Scandinavium · Silver · Stalinium · Stalloneium · Tedium · Terbium · Tin · Tungsten · Unobtanium (and its impostor) · Unununium · Uranium (Human / Depletion) · Vanadium · Yttrium · Xenon · Zinc

*Technically an atom of Cheesium has an atomic number of four (4), but that's only for the idiotic table.