HowTo:Fart without anyone knowing it
~ Dave Mustaine on his fart
~ Oscar Wilde on his fart
Got a stomach ache? Heaps of butterflies in your stomach? Ate too much spicy food? Haven't been to the toilet for a week? Going to a party with someone you don't know? Then, my friend, there is one thing that is absolutely certain; that you will fart.
Farting is a rather unusual action, practiced not only by humankind, but also by animals and plants. Yes, plants do indeed fart. The causes of farting are very vague, as even the world's greatest scientists never lived long enough to discuss it in any real depth. Some people would say that they were too afraid to explore the taboo, while others have insisted that knowing it would disrupt the laws of nature, and is prohibitable.
The formula of farting is derived as:
Where sm is the smell intensity of the fart itself and m is the mass of the person, while sou is the sound intensity of the fart peak. From this equation, we know that fat people fart in a more skilled fashion compared to thin people, perhaps as a result of experience. This brings some issues, however, as most of the time we would rather people were unaware of our habit of farting in polite company. There are, however, ways of avoiding this unfortunate occurrence: read on for more details.
Steps for better farting
Knowing your audience
Before farting, you will need to observe the people around you. Are they all men, or is your group comprised solely of women? Are they a mix of both? Are they fat or skinny people? Do they have short hair, long hair or no hair? What clothes are they wearing? What jobs? Where do they live?
You may at this moment be entertaining the thought that this is all a big joke. Unfortunately, this is not so. You need to consider these things in great detail in order to obtain the best possible response to your flatulence, and being able to read the reactions of the people around you will help greatly in this aim. As an illustration, consider this: you would not act the same way if you farted at a funeral compared to farting in front of a group of five-year-olds. It is also ill-advised to fart very loudly in front of policemen or bosses.
There are some circumstances when farting is not an option. In these cases, instead of farting, it is acceptable to hold the fart and transfer it to your upper body, which will cause burps. Remember that every audience group is unique - no two reactions will be the same.
Adjusting your fart
Once you know and understand your audience, you will need to adjust your fart level. This includes the volume, pressure and length as well as other factors. You will also need to adjust the smell intensity, and, if you are expert enough, you may even be able to control the colour of your farts! Thanks to Fartomizer IIC, it is even possible to practice the noble art in your very own home, with no adverse effects.
Following are some default adjustments for the Fartomizer IIC:
Set to high volume, because toddlers and kids love farts. The most probable outcome is that they will laugh as a result of your fart, and will most likely fart back. If you make someone else's children happy, their parents will be happy too and may give you money or something. However, set the pressure to low, because it will make your fart less smelly, which is safer for toddlers. Set the length high, possibly to maximum, as the longer you fart, the longer they will laugh, which is good for health.
This one is pretty hard, because kids, teenagers and young adults are in general very unpredictable, depending on the music charts. However, just for your own safety, set the volume extremely low. Actually, set everything low, because teenagers always look at your image, and you need friends, don't you? Do not take any risks. You can always change your preference later.
Adults are similar to teenagers; set everything low for safety.
For this one, set the Fartomizer to a similar setting to the default for children. Volume must be high, because old people practice the art of flatulence frequently. The best thing is that usually after they fart, they will laugh at it. If you want to help old people live longer, make them laugh, and to make them laugh, fart loudly! Remember, though, to set the pressure low, because smelly things are slightly frowned upon. A bit of practice will help greatly.
Adjusting your face expression
Your face tells everything, really, hence your facial expression is an extremely important part of this guide. While it is often difficult to maintain a normal facial expression while you are farting, a little bit of practice should really help you - it is similar to calculus and programming in this respect. However, if you are too relaxed, people will also think you are the one to be blamed. Therefore, moderation is the best thing to do. Not too intense, but not too relaxed.
A useful tactic is to simply follow your previous expression. If you were crying, keep crying! If the fact that you were holding a fart showed on your face, keep doing it! If you were smiling, keep smiling! You should get the idea now. The main thing to avoid is the practice of staring at any one object for a long period of time - a habit which many people unknowingly share.
Techniques after farting
The main objective of your evasive action is to avoid any accusation. Well, there is a reasonable chance that at some point you may be discovered, but at this stage this outcome is still avoidable. There are two main techniques which can be used; the NSNP (No Smell, No Problem) and SSNM (Some Smell, Not Me). Which technique you choose to select is immaterial, as long as you can apply it very, very well. If you are a beginner, you may wish to consider the first technique, to avoid the need to locate another person to accuse. If, however, you are an expert, another option may be to try the second technique - for although requiring a greater number of lies, it is much more of a challenge and may be a treat for the connoisseur. Another factor to consider is your fart intensity. It is difficult to carry off such a pretense if your farts resemble the picture on the right.
No Smell, No Problem
As has been noted before, this technique is most suitable for beginners, because it requires fewer lies. The only thing you have to do is to stay calm, cool and confident. Pretend nothing has just happened. Actually, pretend to pretend nothing has just happened. Do whatever work you are doing and keep doing it, just don't think about the smell.
The problem that most beginners have is that they start to look around and worry about the after-effects of the fart. For example, say you and your mates are packing gifts for orphans in your (enclosed, airtight) basement. Suddenly you feel the urge to fart, without any sound, of course. For around 10-15 seconds nothing happens, until your mates begin to become aware of the fart. Meanwhile, of course, you keep doing your stuff, pretending nothing has happened - generally the best option in these situations. However, you may make the fatal mistake of looking somewhere else, especially your mates' eyes and the corner of the basement or room - a highly noticeable displacement action, which will make your mates suspicious and in the end cause you to take the blame. They might kick your ass, but that will be nothing compared to your loss of dignity.
An example of a conversation of NSNP:
You: (fart sound) Everyone keeps doing their work After 15 seconds Your mate: Mate, do you smell something? You: Um, uh oh, nope. Your mate: That is really strange. You: What's wrong, mate? Your mate: Nah, I just thought I smelled something bad, like shit or fart or something. You: Nah, It's just you, mate. Your mate: Alright, let's just get the job done.
Some Smell, Not Me
This technique is not very different from the previous technique, although it does require significantly more skill. In this technique, more lying is required as you do acknowledge the smell but instead blame it on others.
The main thing to consider is to pretend that you are really, really, I mean, REALLY sick of the smell, like you want to puke or something. This will give your mates the impression that you have not committed the crime, because no one feels sick as a result of their own farts (except in extremely severe cases). Then, after notifying your mates as to the situation, proceed to blame everyone and anyone else, preferably the fat guys (see the equation above). Bald guys are also good targets.
One example of conversation:
You: (fart) Everyone keeps doing their things After around 20 seconds Your mate: *Sniff sniff* You: ARRRGGHHH!!! SHIT!!! Your mate: What is wrong, mate? You: Damn! What smell is this!!?? It reminds me of my grandma! Your mate 2: Yeah I smell it too, fucking disgusting! You: For God's sake! What the hell is this?? Your mate: Oh, it's started coming over to me! You: This must be coming from John (mate #3)!!! Your mate 2: John! Get out!! Your mate: Yeah John!! Get the hell out!!! Your mate 3: Alright sorry *exits*
- Be cool, calm and confident. Remember the Triple-C. You just need to do it for around 2 to 5 minutes, hold your laugh and breath for your dignity. Once you overcome the pressure, the joy is priceless.
- Always bring deodorant, perfume or fragrance. But nothing too intense as it may seem suspicious.
- When you fart, call someone! Or at least your mobile phone to sms or anything. So when your mates want to ask you, you are busy.
- Increase your sound volume to hide the fart's sound.
- If everything fails, walk away! Quickly! But don't run, because your mates might catch you.
If all else fails, an effective fallback option is to calculate your farts to be so deadly that they suffocate everyone else in the vicinity. Alternatively, you can kill everyone first - at least they won't have to smell it, right?