Radium

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Radium is used primarily in watchmaking. See how it glows with health!

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Radium.

Radium (element #88 on the Periodic Table of the Elements) is a very safe and reliable material for everyday use. It's radioactive, which means that it's very healthy for you and will most definitely not cause cancer. After all, if radiation is responsible for making hot springs hot, and hot springs are very healthy, then obviously it must be perfectly safe to come into contact with, wear, and consume large amounts of highly radioactive materials such as radium, right? Of course, what could possibly go wrong!

Characteristics of Radium[edit]

Radium, in its natural form, is a heavy, white, highly radioactive alkaline earth metal that blackens when exposed to air. But nobody cares about its natural form. No, radium as it is recognizable in today's industry is a white coating that glows green in the dark (and pretty much anywhere else) when mixed with zinc sulfide (which nobody cares about), but because it is used in mixtures with various other materials (often radioactive ones), most people cannot recognize radium at a glance and allow themselves to be cheated into buying radium products that contain no real radium, but other, cheaper radioactive materials like plutonium or americium.

Radium paint is also very common. Most radium paint contains that zinc sulfide stuff mentioned previously, so most radium paint glows in the dark. Sadly, non-radioactive fluorescent and phosphorescent paint also glows in the dark, so this is not a reliable way to verify if genuine radium is being used in radium paint. A good way of checking this is to find one of those brand-new, state-of-the-art Geiger counter thingies that can check for radiation. If your radium paint doesn't read over 9000 counts per minute, it is highly likely that your radium paint is a fake and should be replaced with real radium paint if you want to enjoy the health benefits of radium.

Where Radium is Found[edit]

Radium is commonly found among large deposits deep within the earth's surface, usually below hot springs, in clusters, with various radioactive elements like uranium, which is most commonly used in Fiestaware to give an extra kick to your food at parties. Once Radium is found inside a deposit, workers use their bare hands to separate the radium from the other highly radioactive elements. If some of the other radioactive metals become stuck onto the radium, then most of the workers use their teeth to pry the radium free while the pussier workers either cower in fear in a corner or use crowbars.

After the radium is successfully mined, it is divided up into various groups and shipped away to various locations. Some is sent to companies to make Radium products. Some is sent to the public's water supply as part of a government experiment to increase the general public's health, in an attempt to keep loyal voters alive longer. Some of it is sent to children's daycares for small children to look at, play with, and lick, in order to teach them that radium is a very good thing and that they shouldn't fear radiation. And the rest is sent to various scientific research institutes for scientists to look at, play with, and lick, in order to check to make absolutely sure that radium is a safe material. This generally annoys companies that make radium-based products, because of course there's nothing dangerous about radiation nor radium, so they are constantly rallying for scientists to discontinue their research and to stop wasting the companies' valuable stock.

Applications of Radium[edit]

Radithor: Bringing massive amounts of radiation to your intestines since 1929.

As mentioned several times before, radium is a godsend to mankind and thus has a key role in bringing radiation into the modern home. Radium is best-known as what makes your wristwatch glow in the dark, but that is only the smallest scope of radium's usefulness.

Radium is used as a means of showering healthy radiation on everyday people at all times of the day. Not getting enough radiation in your life? Simply visit a radium bathhouse and soak in the gamma rays of radon and/or radium hot-spring water. Don't have the time to submerge yourself routinely in highly radioactive water? Then take some with you and drink it! Thanks to the miracle of Radithor(Pat. Pending For A Very Long Time...), you can bring cancer radioactivity with you wherever you go! It's probably healthy, too!

Is your sex life unsatisfactory? Radium condoms will guarantee a hot, hot, hot night every time you use them! Having problems down there? Try the Radiendocrinator! It uses large amounts of Radium to point unbelievably high levels of radiation right at the nether regions! Maybe it'll grow, maybe it'll explode! Who knows?! The laughs never end for your doctors when you use the Radeindocrinator!

And that's only the beginning! There's radium shoe polish, radium starch, radium toothpaste, radium soap, radium suppositories (even though no one knows what those are), radium spintharioscopes, radium clothes, radium toys, radium pacifiers, radium potatoes, radium sunscreen, radium uranium, radium bombs, radium radium, radium cars, radium cereal, and pretty much anything else you can think of!

Downside to Radium[edit]

There is no downside to radium! Radium is what separates men from monkeys! Life without radium would be inconceivable! Radium will always be with us and will always be a key element to everyday life! Radium has no ill side affects whatsoever! When Eben Byers jaw came off, it couldn'tve been because of the large amount of Radithor he drank! Radium is awesome, it wouldn't hurt anyone--

...excuse me, I've just received a telegram from my doctor. It seems I have somehow contracted testicular, liver, stomach, heart, foot, leg, and throat cancer, along with several other types I can't pronounce. Sorry, but I must go to the hospital immediately... if I live long enough to make it to the hospital...

...fucking radiation...

1H Hydrogen Hu Homoerectium 1/5Bm Brucium 1/2Ch Cheesium 3/4Pl Plotonium D Deuterium 1.5Py Parodymium 2He Helium
3Li Lithium 4Be Beryllium 5B Boron 6C Carbon 7N Nitrogen 8O Oxygen 9 F Fluorine 10Ne Neon
11Na Sodium 12 Mg Magnesium 13Al Aluminum 14 Si Silicon 15 P Phosphorus 16 S Sulfur 17Cl Chlorine 18 Ar Argon
19 K Potassium 20 Ca Calcium 21 Sc Scandium 22Ti Titanium 23 V Vanadium 24 Cr Chromium 25 Mn Manganese 26Fe Iron 27 Co Cobalt 28Ni Nickel 29Cu Copper 30Zn Zinc 31 Ga Galium 32Ge Germanium 33As Arsenic 34 Se Selenium 35Br Bromine 36Kr Krypton
37 Rb Rubidium 38 Sr Strontium 39 Y Yttrium 40 Zr Zirconium 41 Nb Niobium 42 Mo Molybdenum 43 Tc Technetium 44 Ru Ruthenium 45 Rh Rhodium 46 Pd Palladium 47Ag Silver 48 Cd Cadmium 49In Indium 50Sn Tin 51 Sb Antimony 52 Te Tellurium 53 I Iodine 54Xe Xenon
55 Cs Cesium 56 Ba Barium 57 La Lanthanium 72 Hf Hafnium 73 Ta Tantalum 74 W Tungsten 75 Re Rthenium 76 Os Osmium 77 Ir Iridium 78Pt Platinum 79Au Gold 80Hg Mercury 81 Tl Thallium 82Pb Lead 83Bi Bismuth 84Po Polonium 85 At Astatine 86Rn Radon
87 Fr Francium 88Ra Radium 89 Ac Actinium 104Rf Rutherfordium 105 Db Dubnium 106 Sg Seaborgium 107 Bh Bohrium 108 Hs Hassium 109 Mt Meitnerium 110 Ds Darmstadtium 111Rg Roentgenium 112 Cn Copernicum 113 Nh Nihomium 114 Fl Flerovium 115 Mc Moscovium 116 Lv Livermorium 117 Ts Tennessine 118 Og Oganesson
58 Ce Cerium 59Pr Praseodymium 60 Nd Neodymium 61 Pm Promethium 61 Sm Samarium 63 Eu Europium 64 Gd Gadolinium 65 Tb Terbium 66 Dy Dysprosium 67 Ho Holmium 68 Er Erbium 69 Tm Thulium 70 Yb Ytterbium 71 Lu Lutetium 119Ub Unobtanium 120Un Unununium
90 Th Thorium 91 Pa Protactinium 92U Uranium 93 Np Neptunium 94Pu Plutonium 95Am Americium 96 Cm Curium 97 Bk Berkelium 98 Cf Californium 99Es Einsteinium 100 Fm Fermium 101 Md Mendelevium 102 No Nobelium 103 Lr Lawrencium 121Aw Awesomnium 122Ky Kryptonite
 
Alkali Metal
 
Alkaline Earth
 
Transition Metal
 
Basic Metal
 
Semimetal
 
Nonmetal
 
Halogen
 
Noble Gas
 
Lanthanide
 
Unverifide
 
Actinide
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