Plutonium
Do not try this at home, kids; go over to a friend's house.
Plutonium was once a popular brand of artificial sweetener; it was often used in the best candies but it was banned for human consumption in 2000 when the lollies began to develop tumours and cancers, causing the lolly cells to fail to sweeten and bitter into small fizzing testicles. Also a mild hallucinogen that adds a green glow to your tongue and cause you to see upside down (the effects of this are still be experimented with as to whether they are permanent; so far, they are)
History[edit | edit source]
First discovered in 2010 by Original Catholic jews searching for the legendary Holy Grail (snail) of Jesus Christ-Hetfield, Plutonium was originally shaved off the backs of cartoon dogs, ground up and smoked for its hallucinogenic properties. A trip on the Big P (as it is still known) has been described as "A spot mo' 'hinvigor-a-ting than Pixie Dust, and without them funny feelings you get from snortin' Clown" (Keith Richards). Though unsupported by any real evidence, Big P is commonly blamed for Monty Python. Unfortunately, when Catholicism first went extinct in 329 BCE, the knowledge of Plutonium was lost for centuries.
Plutonium was rediscovered by alchemists in 1945. It was in the last place they looked. ((Uranus?)) but-a-course. As the name suggests, most of the world's plutonium comes from the planet Pluto, which of course is where Mickey Mouse's dog friend lives.
This discovery was to prove vital to the generation of the 1.21 gigawatts of electricity needed to produce the Back to the Future movie trilogy.
In 1978, several scientitons at the University of Californication discovered that just a small amount of Plutonium is sweeter than an equivalent amount of sugar, fructose, aspartame or even pure cancer itself. Thus for a time it was highly popular as an artificial sweetener in drinks like Three Mile Island Iced Tea.
Later tests by the Food and Drug Administration decided the long-term effects of Plutonium were unacceptable (see photo), and it was subsequently banned.
However, in 2006, the Bush Administration denied the FDA's budget proposal and cut its funding down to zero dollars and nothing cents. Now the FDA doesn't give a crap and anything is free for all and you can put whatever you want in your freaking iced tea. Finally. Geez.
Finally, in 2010, a noteable speech was given by Fritz Vandertramp on the subject of Plutonium. "I believe in plutonium. Plutonium will keep me out of jail. I raised my reputation with plutonium; it gave me freedom, but taught me never to dishonour myself. I flipped out at McDonald’s not on plutonium’s wishes. I went to the checkout counter, and lost control. Two months ago it was, when they asked me if I wanted a toy with my happy meal. They made me mumble and asked me again. I kept mumbling; I kept my honour. So they started getting mad. When I was at my breaking point, she asked me to speak up, and I could not even weep because of the pain. I finally exploded and they went to the Police like evil Americans. I was arrested and brought to trial. The judge sentenced me to three years in prison, and didn’t even suspend the sentence. Sentenced! I couldn’t take life in jail, so I decided to escape. I went free that very week. I stood in the jail like a fool, and all those scalpers, they were smiling at me. But being free made my life complete" said Fritz, teary eyed.
Other Uses[edit | edit source]
Plutonium has also been found to have a multitude of useful properties:
- providing the 1.21 jigawatts of electricity that is essential to get marty back to the future
- In small amounts, Plutonium is an excellent bleach alternative.
- Just a pinch of Plutonium will leave your breath feeling Chernobyl clean!
- Powdered Plutonium can relieve the pain of bee stings or frog bites.
- Got that "not so fresh" feeling? You guessed it... Plutonium!
- Can create a longer lasting flavor in bubble gum.
- Can be used to evaluate the integral of
- Rarely used to kill Russian ex-spies.
- Perfect for use in creating vibrant red and blue christmas ornaments that glow electricity free! 80 million year guarantee or your money back!
- Large sources have been found in one Gareth Roberts back garden
- Use as a foundation for Michael Jackson's face.
- To cure/create brain cancer.
- As evidence against serial kitten huffing.
- In rod form, your Penis.
- Eliminates diabetes (side effects may include nausea, headaches, or death).
Notes[edit | edit source]
Uranium is commonly required to undergo extensive higher education before it can receive the vaunted degree of Plutonium. Such education is called Asmodeification.
There is modern research into using Plutonium as a potential source of power, but many fear the potential fallout over such a development. We need look no further than Einstein, however, to find a man who radiates great enthusiasm as to the future of this science. The problem with this situation is that in order to access this "Radiated knowledge", we must complete more reasearch. This research would include creating the all mythical thyme machine that will create as much of the herb as you want while you travel backwards/ forwards through the years. This machine supposedly needs a Plutonium reactor that generates 1.21 gigawatts of atomic energy. In other words, we are at a stale mate in the process of moving forward with nuclear technology and the involvement of Plutonium.
See also[edit | edit source]
Make sure you memorize these for the test!
| 1H Hydrogen | 2He Helium | ||||||||||||||||
| 3Li Lithium | 4Be Beryllium | 5B Boron | 6C Carbon | 7N Nitrogen | 8O Oxygen | 9F Fluorine | 10Ne Neon | ||||||||||
| 11Na Sodium | 12 Mg Magnesium | 13Al Aluminum | 14 Si Silicon | 15 P Phosphorus | 16 S Sulfur | 17Cl Chlorine | 18Ar Argent | ||||||||||
| 19 K Potassium | 20 Ca Calcium | 21Sc Scandinavium | 22Ti Titanium | 23 V Vanadium | 24Cr Chromium | 25 Mn Manganese | 26Fe Iron | 27 Co Cobalt | 28Ni Nickel | 29 Cu Copper | 30 Zn Zinc | 31 Ga Gallium | 32 Ge Germanium | 33 As Arsenic | 34 Se Selenium | 35 Br Bromine | 36Kr Krypton |
| 37 Rb Rubidium | 38 Sr Strontium | 39 Y Yttrium | 40 Zr Zirconium | 41 Nb Niobium | 42 Mo Molybdenum | 43 Tc Technetium | 44 Ru Ruthenium | 45 Rh Rhodium | 46 Pd Palladium | 47Ag Silver | 48 Cd Cadmium | 49In Indium | 50Sn Tin | 51 Sb Antimony | 99Te Tedium | 53 I Iodine | 54Xe Xenon |
| 55 Cs Caesium | 56 Ba Barium | 57-71 La-Lu Lanthanides | 72 Hf Hafnium | 73 Ta Tantalum | 74 W Tungsten | 75 Re Rhenium | 76 Os Osmium | 77 Ir Iridium | 78Pt Platinum | 79Au Gold | 80Hg Mercury | 81 Tl Thallium | 82Pb Lead | 83Bi Bismuth | 84Po Polonium | 85 At Astatine | 86Rn Radon |
| 87 Fr Francium | 88 Ra Radium | 89-103 Ac-Lr Actinides | 104 Rf Rutherfordium | 105 Db Dubnium | 106 Sg Seaborgium | 107 Bh Bohrium | 108 Hs Hassium | 109 Mt Meitnerium | 110 Ds Darmstadtium | 111 Uuu Unununium | 112 Cn Copernicium | 113 Nh Nihonium | 114 Fl Flerovium | 115 Mc Moscovium | 116 Lv Livermorium | 117 Ts Tennessine | 118 Og Oganesson |
| 119Un Uncyclopedium | 120 Ub Unobtanium | 121 Aeo Awesomnium | 122Fa Fartium | 123St Stalinium | 124Ob Obamium | 125Sl Stalloneium | 126 Ad Adamantium | 127 Vb Vibranium | -1SuStupidium | 1/5Bm Brucium | 1/2*Ch Cheesium | 3/4Pl Plotonium | 4.5Op Opium | ∞Hu Homoerectium | |||
| 57 La Lanthanum | 58 Ce Cerium | 59Pr Praseodymium | 60 Nd Neodymium | 61 Pm Pentium | 62 Sm Samarium | 63 Eu Europium | 64 Gd Gadolinium | 65 Tb Terbium | 66 Dy Dysprosium | 67 Ho Holmium | 68 Er Erbium | 69 Tm Thulium | 70 Yb Ytterbium | 71 Lu Lutetium | |||
| 89 Ac Actinium | 90 Th Thorium | 91 Pa Protactinium | 92U Uranium | 93 Np Neptunium | 94Pu Plutonium | 95 Am Americium | 96 Cm Curium | 97 Bk Berkelium | 98 Cf Californium | 99 Es Einsteinium | 100 Fm Fermium | 101 Md Mendelevium | 102 No Nobelium | 103 Lr Lawrencium |
*Technically an atom of Cheesium has an atomic number of four (4), but that's only for the idiotic table.