One of only five chemical elements which can be solid, liquid, or gaseous at temperatures and pressures commonly found at Earth's surface and at the same time, bromine readily combines with the arcane metals and so is seldom found in its pure state. Bromine is Greek for fragrant. Bromine lives with the Halogen family and is so safe that if you get it on your hands you have to rush to A and E.
King Nordpukka of Denmark, a keen amateur chemist, first identified bromine in the residue of a double-chocolate bundt cake served to celebrate the Urticaria of Cardinal Fie. Nordpukka suspected the cake had extraordinary properties when Cardinal Fie took the first bite and exploded.
Ignoring the still-twitching bits of the Cardinal scattered about the floor, the quick-thinking monarch grabbed the bundt cake and ran to his laboratory in the solarium. There he dissolved the chocolate in aqua regia, filtered out the coconut flakes, and washed the residue in cognac. What remained was a brownish-red liquid which made soft squeaking noises when swirled.
King Nordpukka named the chemical after his wife, Queen Bromine Arsenica Phlegm, because she too made squeaking noises when agitated. The King knighted himself in recognition of his discovery.
Bromine is a reddish-brown liquid at room temperature. However, if heated slightly it evaporates into a paisley-patterned gas and if addressed sarcastically it cools and hardens into stubborn crystals. It is a member of the halitosis group, along with chlorine, iodine, LSD, and Morgan Freeman.
There are 13 protons, 12 neutrons, and 9 morons in the nucleus of each bromine atom. Of its 15 electrons 11 have tenure and the rest are independent contractors. These four loosely-bound electrons cause bromine's sensitivity to sarcasm and criticism.
The complete Material Safety Data Sheet is available here. (It is identical to peanut oil.)
Consumption of bromine causes projectile haemorrhaging in rats. It causes the kidneys of rhesus monkeys to liquefy, and makes their eyeballs fall out. However, these effects should not concern human consumers of Orca Cola®. Orca Cola Corporation reminds us that the response of lab animals is not always equivalent to that of humans.Therefore bromine is good for people with insomnia and/or people with a high sex drive like teenage boys. It was even used in the army to calm horny young males.
Liquid bromine taken orally also causes detonation of the teeth. Concentrations less than 10% by weight may not cause outright dental explosions, but may cause localized crumbling of the tongue and soft palate. First aid consists of running away from the victim as fast as possible.
Bromine does not catch fire except in a methane atmosphere, or in an atmosphere of pervasive suspicion. It is classified as a paranoid inflammable.
Brazil supplies most of the world's bromine. In Brazilian mines the most common bromine mineral—gauguin bromide—occurs in globular cysts scattered through strata of infected wheystone. Miners remove the nodules and suture the wheystone shut to prevent cave-ins. Once excavated the pure chemical is separated from the ore using the Dortmünder Process: conveyor belts carry crushed gauguin bromide past teenage Tahitian girls and the gauguin melts in excitement, leaving the bromine behind.
Bromine tastes much like Orca Cola, so much so that the company often uses it as a substitute when supplies of cocaine run low. Some people say that bromine is one of the most toxic and lethal of the elements, but they are liars and are probably working for Pepsi.
It should be noted that the deadly chocolate bundt cake which left Cardinal Fie's scalp plastered to the ceiling contained nearly 15% bromine by weight—five times the amount in Orca Cola. The delightful soda is therefore only fizzy, not explosive.
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