Kryptonite (Earth element)
~ Emo Man on Kryptonite
ite is a radioactive element with the symbol Ky, an atomic number of 36, and an average atomic mass of 48. It is often found in a solid, crystalline state. Kryptonite does not naturally occur on earth. It is most often found in meteoroids that were created when a sewage treatment plant and middle school in Hoboken, New Jersey exploded. Kryptonite is notable for the odd, and often detrimental, effects that its radiation has on messianic figures.
Green Kryptonite is the most common form of Kryptonite, and its liquid form is used extensively as a solvent in brain washing. Its radiation quickly breaks down the cells of any messiah within three to four meters. The most famous use of green Kryptonite was by the Italian gangster Longinus. He stabbed Jesus in the side with a lance tipped with green Kryptonite. This was done in a totally platonic manner, and no one has ever suggested it looked like Longinus was raping Jesus in the ear. Nope. No one. Not the gay.
Many crucifixes are made out of green Kryptonite. Such objects have the power to repel both messiahs and vampires.
Red kryptonite is believed to be green kryptonite that has passed through a damn dirty communist and has soiled its clean pure capitalist matrix. This Marxist matrix has a strange mutating effect on any messiah who touches it. Jesus, just before being stabbed from behind by Longinus,  put on a beret lined with red kryptonite. After being hung out to dry, Jesus mutated into a powerful and strange Zombie Jesus who had the amazing powers of invisibility, and the third level spell Phase Through Any Rock Shaped Object. Jesus’ descendants later retconed the beret into a crown of thorns, because they felt a beret was not manly enough. They should know, they were French themselves after all.
In the show Smallville, Red kryptnite causes anti-gayness in Gay-Clark. For example, Clark is a loser (who is usually shy of girls, which makes him gay-clark), but when he comes into contact with Red kryptonite, is instantly cool and wants to bone mad bitches ( thus making him anti-gay-clark).
Gold kryptonite is the only amorphous, instead of crystalline, formation of kryptonite. It was formed when molten kryptonite was cooled rapidly when showered with urinal water. Chemists disagree about the reasoning behind this, but one popular hypothesis is that this kryptonite was degraded by its mother, and can only find sexual satisfaction through its own degradation. Others feel gold kryptonite is just nasty.
Gold kryptonite has the power to strip a messiah of their magical powers and is a powerful and effective weapon in the hands of any supervillian. The robotic constructs Janet “Shakes” Reno used it to execute her nefarious plans in the crossover Assault on General Zod and the Waco Warriors .
Blue kryptonite is interesting because it doesn’t have any effect on most messiahs. When near a zombie messiah, however, it cancels out their flesh rotting disease, and satiates their normally undying hunger for human flesh. Some reports suggest that that this form of kryptonite also sends the messiah into a manic state wherein they try to assure people they do not have the gay, and that he hasn’t been raped in the ear. Most scholars agree that that sounds dumb. The apostle Thomas was known to carry around a shard of blue kryptonite, just in case he ran into a zombie messiah, but he was also known to lick every clown he’s ever seen, so who knows what’s up with him.
These forms of kryptonite are very rare, and usually only have appeared in one issue.
- Rainbow: Rainbow kryptonite turns a messiah gay (No, really. This isn't a joke), but it’s really only used during sweeps week.
- Black: Black kryptonite has the power to split a messiah in half, forming an antimessiah. The only known use of this was in the Book of Revelation, when the game master didn’t plan for this week, and just had to “whip something up”.
- Purple Spotted: Purple Spotted kryptonite has the ability to cause a messiah’s willy to break out in red, itchy hives. The only occurrence of this form is in a recently discovered Gnostic text, the Book of Lois Lane. The Catholic Church and fans alike consider this an Elseworlds title, and as such, not canon.
- Menthol: Menthol kryptonite was developed by a black computer programmer who was trying to replicate atypical kryptonite. Under the incorrect assumption that kryptonite was ten times stronger than crack or kitten huffing, Gus Gorman hoped to artificially reproduce the element. Lacking one of the base elements, he improvised by replacing it with tar and came up with a tasty new flavor. Menthol kryptonite is smoother than regular kryptonite and all the hip black dudes on your block will look cool smoking it. The downside is that it has a tendency to replicate an evil twin which typically spawns forth from your anus.
- Messiahs who choose not to use the metric system can use cubits or feet, as appropriate.
- in a totally not gay way!