“Whenever capitalists get me down, I just go home and jerk off in front of a shrine to Karl Marx.”
“We must own everything”
“In Soviet Russia, Bill Clinton is still the president”
“I'M A CAPITALIST! I DESERVE MORE RESPECT!!!”
“This is why we started a revolution blyat, capitalism doesn't work in Russia.”
The Capitalist (also known as a conservative) is a strange animal. Its range spreads from the K-martjian lowlands to the mountain highlands of Prada. Adult Capitalists range in size from 4'9" to 6'4". Young Capitalists are commonly called "Gimme's" because of their propensity to scream "GIMMEGIMMEGIMME!!!" at the top of their lungs upon encountering any new item in their environment. The adult Capitalists exhibit a modified form of this communicaion my name is bob as described below.
The females of the species have been seen to partially expose certain areas of their bodies to their mates while breathing heavily and emitting variations of "PLEEASE George, we can do it TWICE this month if you buy me that!" Adult males usually comply. It is not known if this is a form of mating activity or simply a form of acquiring new items, although mating sometimes ensues to a limited degree. Recently, young, mateless females have been observed trying to take feeble stabs at this behavior by publicly removing various clothing articles for strange males. Unfortunately for them it seems to result in nothing but hidden derision and what the males refer to among themselves as a 'Free Ride'. Caution needs to be shown when encountering a 'Free Ride' female as most of them are regularly infested with various forms of diseases and parasites. Adult males of the species are highly competitive against other adult males, who all seem to be driven by what we refer to as the acquire/exhibit/mate life-cycle. Adult males have been observed to have a belief that this cycle is driven by themselves, or by the female of the species. However, an in-depth study of this cycle has revealed to be solely driven by what is known as the banking/brainwashing/advertising branch of the Capitalist species tree. We will not go into this branch in this article, as observer studies have proven to be debilitatingly nauseating at best and suicidally fatal at worst.
As can be seen throughout this article, capitalists often serve as hackneyed fodder for failed writers/humorists who are, sadly, still trying entirely too hard at a craft clearly not suited for them. Where a capitalist would seek other employment and move on to a successful life, these pathetic individuals remain in their parents' basements, listen to shitty music and bitch about capitalists. Thus the most successful means of differentiating capitalists from the rest of the population is to first check whether or not the individual in question is gainfully employed. If so, then said individual is probably a capitalist.
How to kill the Capitalist
You can take the easy way and just blast away with your Greed Guided Laser Gun, (GGL) but there are a lot more imaginative ways to clear your neighborhood of any pesky Capitalist invasion.
Any true Capitalist will readily take themselves out if you simply threaten to remove any of the collected items from their environment. Statements such as "I will take away your Versace!" Or for the more isolated Capitalist, "No more trips to Wal-mart!" can send them promptly into the bathroom with a sharp razor. At the very least this can drive them into mass breakdowns whereupon they become helpless, quivering lumps of a sobbing jelly-like substance.
Many female Capitalists can be easily taken out by suspending a flashing blue light, (which they seem strangely attracted to) over the edge of a high cliff. Some female Capitalists need more encouragement in the form of shiny items such as diamond rings or necklaces. Male Capitalists have been known to respond in the same way to items such as a 'twelve pack of Bud' to a set of keys with the 'Mercedes' or 'BMW' logo attached.
Certain Capitalists can be driven out simply by inviting a minority family to live nearby. Unfortunately this just causes a mass migration from one environment to the next.
It is interesting to note that standing on top of a soapbox quoting Marx or Lenin will generally send the common Capitalist running for cover, taking their wallets with them. Sometimes they even grab their children. WARNING: Do not attempt if there is an official Marxist nearby; they may ninja over and start spitting out actual commie propaganda. This is could result is mass panic and economic breakdown in your region.
How to cook the Capitalist
- Slice it open and remove the heart, as it is already blackened and easy to burn.
- Pepper and Salt liberally
- Slather on any ultra-expensive moisturizer and bake at 350 degrees for one hour.
- For Garnish: they look particularly attractive if you shove a PDA firmly into any orifice.
- Serve with White wine and Chocolate
Capitalist Breeding Habits
Most capitalists rarely mate and if they do so it is only for propagation or for acquisition of new items (See above). They normally mate in the dark to hide their sinful, shapeless bodies from their own sight. However with the advent of 'plastic surgery' this has recently become less common.
No written record of homosexual activity exists among Capitalists. We have made many discoveries that reveal a propensity towards this, mostly within the religious branches. However most of these discoveries were found in deep, dark closets from which extraction has proved difficult.
It has been noted by behaviorists that a common environmental influence called 'ESPN' upon the male Capitalist can actually suspend breeding habits for long periods of time. It has been suggested that a more frequent exposure to 'ESPN', such as a viewing port in every area of the adult male Capitalists environment, can be part of a very effective, albeit lengthy, extermination program. Two important elements to the success of any such program is the complete removal of the chemical 'viagra' or any viagra-like substances as well as the elimination of the 'Free Ride' females from 'ESPN' which tend to send most male Capitalists search of the nearest female to mindlessly 'plug', after which they return to their former, vapid ESPN-induced stupor.
Capitalists believe in a series of five lesser Gods. These five are named as follows: Real estate, Advertising, Sales, Wall Street, and last but not least, The oil industry. The Capitalist's holy wheel forbids purchasing, unless instructed to by the Supreme God. The Supreme God is One and encompasses and transcends them all - the Alpha Banking Omega. The rest is pretty much a mystery to most normal humans.
Other sects of capitalists, such as libertarians, worship the infallible market. This is in contrast to the typical capitalist, who worships business, and would distort the market in his favor whenever profitable.