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Andrew Schlafly, the founder of Conservapedia is a well known conservative on the internet. Also renowned for being one hundred times more homophobic, greasy, and socially-awkward than the average IRC or CNN channel operator.

Conservatives are individuals obsessed with the continuation of things exactly as they are, well into the foreseeable future. Almost always American, Christian, homophobic and anti-indigenous, they absolutely hate every minuscule form of advancement in the human race, which strangely does not include things like the internet, a device used by them to rant their awesome, unbiased opinions to the general public.

Conservative values include: Everything in this religious history book based on extradimensional entity-induced hallucinations, or at least the version which they changed to match these values[1], general intolerance for all ethnic, gender and social minorities, anti-abortion (also called pro-life), heavy support for the second amendment, banning alcohol and medical services, non-interventionist style government, backward good ol’ Christian fundamentalism and general whining about liberals or “libtards”. You can quite easily identify a conservative as they are almost always, wealthy, white, neurotypical, cisgender, European-descent, small-PP, middle aged men from the Southern rural US. The term "conservative" was originally coined as a euphemism for a racist, sexist, homophobic, classist, ageist, ableist, religionist, wikiist, and otherwise discriminatory individual who belonged on the short bus to an indigenous language school. Surprisingly, the definition is still exactly the same today.

Even though it mostly has pathological connotations, the term also applies to a sexual interest on preserved corpses, missing and murdered indigenous people, colonial wars, abandoned mines, frybread, and children.

Conservatism in America[edit | edit source]

One of the worst Conservatives to gain authority in America. According to him, Ketchup is a vegetable. Reagan was a vegetable.

If you are a Conservative American you are openly deemed to be a pretty cool guy within 8chan, Reddit, InfoWars, Natural Fake News and its gazillion echo-chamber websites, etc. Conservative Americans will tell you they stand for all the basic freedoms that make America (a land of deceased, obese, struggling, and dying “Indians”) great and that they aim to deter the evil forces of Liberalism, Communism, Homosexuality and Islam and all religions except evangelical protestant Christianity. Whilst an aspiring goal, nothing could be further from the truth.

Their hatred of Liberals is that they are doing exactly what they Conservatives could never do: Move the oversized colony country in a new and positive direction. If you hear something as being "too liberal" it is usually because a Conservative is upset about a law or change that could mean a stronger and more advanced nation. If Conservatives had it their way life in America would be exactly as it was in colonial times, with people shooting each other over insults and bourbon, lynching Black people and lynching indigenous people being a-ok and every law being managed by a state with zero control over its citizens.

Communists are hated because everyone is treated exactly the same, say no more.

Whether it is because gay people are different or because they got sent to jail, only to be furiously bummed by a sweaty black man. Conservatives have no issue is proclaiming how god hates every homosexual man he created. If homosexuality was promoted rather than condemned in the bible, I have no issue in seeing how every Conservative would magically turn gay. They follow that book like sheep.

Muslims are generally hated by most Conservatives because terrorists attacked America on numerous occasions. Reasonable enough to hate terrorism, but because a large proportion of these terrorists were Islamic, they have jumped to the flawless conclusion that every Muslim is a terrorist. This has gone so far as some Conservatives to suggest that perhaps they should make Islam illegal in America or deport all Muslims away from America. Remember how I told you Conservatives allegedly supported freedom? Some suggest that because they don't worship Jesus this has contributed to their hatred.

Stance on the second amendment[edit | edit source]

Conservatives love guns. Second only to their love of hating everything else, their love of guns is paramount to their existence. After several school massacres, evil liberals wished to take their guns away because it's dangerous to give any lunatic the right to bear arms. Conservatives were outraged at such an idea wishing to keep their guns as it been part of their law for many, many years. Self-defense is also a key issue on this one, as now, in the highly unlikely event of a home invasion they won't be able to mistake their loved ones for an invader. School children needlessly dying are a very small price to pay in order to keep America running as it always has been, as far as Conservatives are concerned.

Stance on the eighteenth amendment[edit | edit source]

Alcohol promotes drunken and disorderly behavior so in the 20s America tried it's hand at banning alcohol through the eighteenth amendment & The Volstead act. Far from ridding society from alcohol, all it served to do was increase the consumption of alcohol and organized crime in major American cities. Not good, safe alcohol but homemade moonshine laced with good ol' methanol which caused blindness, insanity and death.

Many conservatives do not understand that by banning a substance you increase public awareness of it and in turn consumption of it. Despite this, many conservatives want alcohol banned from society as it is completely immoral and that God would never allow such a chemical to be consumed, despite his own son doing it with water to wine.

Elsewhere[edit | edit source]

Sadly, conservatism has left America and can be found in other parts of the world.

Australia[edit | edit source]

The liberal party is the conservative party within Australia. The party has self ordained itself with the simple aim of helping the big man stick it to the little man. The government will typically follow a 24 year cycle. The cycle begins with the liberals gaining government in result of an absolute landslide; with the labor party getting their anuses deeply penetrated in the election. They immediately start to pay off debt, save money and scrap every law labor has passed. This will continue for 12 years until they try and pull off laws so blatantly unconstitutional that the public have no choice but to give their butts a caning and bring back the labor party.

Much like the unemployed problem gambler, the labor party takes all the hard earnt conservatives cash and spends it all. 12 years later, they are so in debt they have to get kicked out. Like all conservatives, the liberals enjoy ranting about the left wing labor party and stopping immigration the boats.

Liberals[edit | edit source]

The worst president according to Conservatives. He's also black, coincidence?

Progressivism and Liberalism are big no-nos when it comes to any conservative. A fairer and more balanced society sends communist alarm bells ringing in the mind of a conservative and they will immediately try and return to the classic 99% poor, 1% mega-rich model. The conservatives stand on the economy is as follows:

“The free market system, competitive capitalism, and private enterprise create the greatest opportunity and the highest standard of living for all. Free markets produce more economic growth, more jobs and higher standards of living than those systems burdened by excessive government regulation.


Many conservatives consider Barack Obama the worst president ever for bringing about social equity and taxing the rich, aka sharing what they have too much of.

Moving forward?[edit | edit source]

The conservative brain is constantly in the reverse gear. Just because an idea worked in the context of two hundred years ago, logically means it will suit any modern day context. It is almost certain that should Homosexuality and Atheism been an accepted thing two hundred years ago, Conservatives would be doing the exact opposite of what they do now.

It is also quite arguable that Conservatives raise arguments just to disagree with liberals, for example Climate Change denial and their persistent belief that the earth is six thousand years old, despite the endless evidence suggesting otherwise.

Blatant homophobia[edit | edit source]

Sadly, spell check wasn't around when the bible was written.

Whether it's because they all had that Uncle Bobby that touched them all through their boyhood years, or they really don't like people that are different, Conservatives hate homosexuals. The bible, a tool used to teach tolerance of all people teaches Conservatives to openly hate men that lie with other men on the grounds of homosexuality makes god angry. This furthers the hypocrisy in God being tolerant of everyone that he allegedly made.

God has willed to give the union of man and woman a special participation in his work of creation. Thus, he blessed the man and the woman with the words 'Be fruitful and multiply' (Gen 1:28). Therefore, in the Creator's plan, sexual complementarity and fruitfulness belong to the very nature of marriage.

Conservatives are sometimes, themselves heavily closeted homosexuals that instead of embracing their true nature decide that if they hang around with other homophobes and participate in homophobic style bashings and protests that they will have the gay squeezed out of them. J. Edgar Hoover was such a closeted fag described above.

Further reading: Everything here

Pro-life[edit | edit source]

Conservatives often miss the upside to abortion.

Conservatives are in favor of just about every form of life except for: Gays, Blacks, Jews, Muslims, Atheists and just about everyone that isn't a White Anglo-Saxon Protestant Male. Therefore they are against birth control and abortion. However they are openly in favor of bearing of arms and Capital Punishment.

Anti-contraception[edit | edit source]

Conservatives are against safe sex and thus for unwanted pregnancy and the transmission of STIs. The grounds of this baffling policy being that sex should only be exchanged between a married couple for the purposes of making a family. Teenagers and unmarried couples, so far as conservatives are concerned won't have sex. They as such push to ban condoms and the pill as wasting potential life makes god angry, despite during normal sex the millions of wasted sperm cells that are potential life also should also make God angry in theory.

AIDS and STI's so far as Conservatives think only come from homosexuals and thus they are immune to being infected so don't need to use condoms.

Anti-abortion[edit | edit source]

Whoops, you're 15 years old, still living with your parents, been brutally raped and finding yourself pregnant. Conservatives think you should have to have that child and raise it lovingly, whilst any reasonable human being would see the perfectly valid argument in having an abortion and catching the bastard that did it. God is going to be mighty upset about you getting rid of that potential life that you didn't want so conservatives do the lords work on earth and push for it to illegal. Such excuses as the child not surviving, you not surviving or you just being too damn young for a child do not qualify to conservatives as they can never ever be wrong.

Some conservatives also think getting an abortion gives you cancer.

Religion[edit | edit source]

A convenient solution to the fossil record myth.

Conservatives take the ye olde fables in the bible as proven fact. Rather than analyze experimental data and proven fact to make up their mind, they will blindly follow a book written two thousand years ago. The theory of evolution, the fossil record and the big bang, despite many experiments being carried out to prove them, at least from the conservative stance not enough conclusive proof has been gathered. Conservatives also use bible stories to debunk proven fact:

Creation science asserts that the biblical account, that dinosaurs were created on day 6 of creation approximately 6,000 years ago, along with other land animals, and therefore co-existed with humans, thus debunking the Theory of Evolution and the beliefs of evolutionary scientists about the age and creation of the earth.”

– Conservapedia on Dinosaurs

Similarly, conservatives are "young earthers" believing the earth to be six thousand years old. Fossil and human records are not enough to debunk this idea to many conservatives as there is "not enough data to support it" (an old favorite catch phrase, in all matters scientific) irrespective of what is going on beyond the earth.

It is also strongly encouraged by conservatives to teach creationism and religion in school, instead of evolution to create an unbias world where people can think for themselves. The biggest counter argument to evolution is that it cannot explain the complexity of species. You will most certainly receive this response if you tell a conservative that that the fossil record does not support creationism and therefore evolution is correct. Other useful tips on pissing off conservatives to no end in regards to religion include:

  • If carbon dating suggests the life on earth is millions of years old, how can they support creationism if carbon dating has been proven to be scientifically accurate?
  • If god was perfect, and hatred is a sin, why does god hate fags? Also doesn't the bible teach forgiveness?
  • Who did the sons of Adam and Eve have sex with to make seven billion people on earth today?
  • Are you capable of rebutting my arguments with a reasonable argument and not just a really bad attempt to find an unrelated flaw in mine?

Intolerance of minorities[edit | edit source]

Whilst the intolerance of gay people is blindingly obvious, other religions, ethnic minorities and immigrants hold no place in the conservative utopia. You can tell because just about republican president ever elected seeks to restrict immigration and deport all evil migrants back home. "White America is best America" said Bush.

Other religions are not allowed simply because the bible is the divine word or god, thus disproving every other religion in existence. This technique could possibly be made valid if every other religion don't present similar arguments.

Patriotism[edit | edit source]

Hitler claimed to do everything he did out of sheer patriotism. He was also a fascist and massive tool.

Conservatives are, at heart, massive patriots. But wait a minute, there is nothing wrong with loving one's country, you might ask. Maybe they do the things they do because they believe it is the right thing to do by their country. In actuality, the majority of the time they will do something and then claim to have done it out of sheer patriotism, although it maybe have had nothing to do with the advancement of their country, but rather their own personal agenda. They say, therefore it is.

Using this logic, conservatives will try and execute just about any law or rule they want as they can then claim it was done to be patriotic. Don't like gay people? Let's make it illegal for them to get married, because that's a patriotic thing to do. Like the word of god? Lets spread his word as morally sound, because that's a patriotic thing to do. Don't want your country to move forward? Lets convince the population that those that think otherwise are crackpots, because that's a patriotic thing to do. And the list goes on.

Meanwhile, things that suggest you do love your country such as health care reform or immigration reform are condemned as being far too liberal and are completely banned within conservative circles.

Fascism[edit | edit source]

Further reading: Adolf Hitler

Also known as capitalism, Fascism is to the right what communism is to the left. Whilst conservatives and other right wing crackpots promote the growth of business as it will in theory increase the strength of a nation, fascism is just everything executed exactly to achieve that goal. Like an enormous colony of ants, self-determination is completely lost so that the country can move forward under a totalitarian dictator and absolutely no personal rights. Fascism, whilst ideal to the extremely conservative individual, does not work in the real world, like its polar opposite of communism.

Communism, you have equal rights. Fascism, you have no rights.

See Also[edit | edit source]

  1. Which is unChristian because it twists the entity's word to be subservient for their ideology when, in fact, it's supposed to be the other way around