Fascist

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An old-school fascist with a blaster.

Formerly a follower of the doctrine of Fascism – a vicious political philosophy of a militarist totalitarianism – nowadays the word Fascist refers to anyone who annoys you, even slightly.

Why exactly the fascists stopped strutting around in black shirts publicly assaulting their enemies and started correcting the spelling of your e-mails instead and telling you off for not washing your coffee cup is unknown.

Fascism has its advantages, but it's not very compatible with birthday parties.

Old school

  • Assaulted political enemies, sometimes forcibly feeding them castor oil to symbolically "purge" the opposition and to humiliate the individual.
  • Imprisoned and tortured those who disagreed with fascist doctrine.
  • Continuously invaded Ethiopia, Libya, Albania and Greece. They tried Greece a lot but eventually had to get a bigger badder friend who used me to install a puppet government in northern Italy.
  • Made deals with the Nazis, plotting to conquer the world.
  • Coerced and controlled businesses and unions alike.
  • Ruthlessly censored all media.
  • Rebuilt whole societies on a foundation of fear and intimidation.
  • Adopted a semi-official uniform of black shirts (brown where black was too expensive).

New school

  • Yell at you for not flushing the toilet when you're finished.
  • Expect two forms of ID, at least one of which bears a picture.
  • Fire you from work for browsing porno and/or Uncyclopedia all day.
  • Put you on hold, then have the nerve to say your call is important.
  • Shush you at the movies.
  • Hassle you when you take your time ordering at McDonald's.
  • Give you a parking ticket.
  • Ban you from Uncyclopedia or any other wiki after you've vandalized only twenty articles.
  • Don't even listen to your side of the story.
  • Are even slightly to your right politically. (Those to your political left are all communists).
  • Conservapedia.
  • Are members of the Republican Party.
  • Adopt a uniform of any damned thing they want except Iron Maiden T-shirts.
  • Tell you to stop running in the corridors.

In recent years the marauding bands of fascists, communists, Nazis, and Socialists responsible for these and other outrages have largely vanished, and recent statistics show that over 74% of such irritations are now caused by terrorists.

Alternative meanings

On Wikipedia, a fascist is somebody who reverts the article on fascism. They commonly meet in the fascist discussion board, Talk:Facism, where they plan edits to the article using political models with as few dimensions as possible. Anonymous users then serve their purpose by vandalizing the article, a pattern that is not uncommon on Wikipedia.

Etymology

  • From the Latin fascis ("a bundle of sticks") comes fascism, a collectivist ideology.
  • From irony comes [recte wherever] faggot, a flaming bundle of sticks.
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