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Apathy • Calculus
“You don't want people to judge you, yet you spend an hour doing your hair and putting on makeup?”
Emo EEEE-moe, from Latin emō ("I buy, purchase"), is a type of subculture (rather distinctly from the 21st Century) loosely rooted around punk rock with its own distinct style of music, fashion, argot and other trappings in a desperate, though ultimately hopeless attempt to pronounce their uniqueness. As a rule of thumb, a person described as "emo" (falling under certain behavior mannerisms and attire correlating with the subculture) will often be from a comfortable, middle-class background with liberal parents. All of this is irrelevant to an emo who will consider themselves misunderstood and repressed regardless of reality. Any urologist would say that these very emotional people need to be encouraged by the rest of society to help them jump off a bridge and stop taking up our public benches.
They all suffer from severe narcissism, leading them to believe that they alone know what pain is, and that no one understands them, when in fact they are simply experiencing puberty; just like everyone else is. They all believe that their personal affliction could not be worse, that their life in their quiet suburban house with their own television and computer in their room is not just the worst life they could have, but the worst life anyone has had, ever. On the plus side, emos have made great strides in the fields of photography. Many surrealist photographers study the ridiculous and almost impossible-to-duplicate camera angles emos use to post pictures on their MySpace.
The origin of the word "emo" is much debated, but it is thought, like many terrible things, to have first manifested in the modern form during the 1990s. Some sources believe that emo originated in the late 1980's, as a way to describe a branch of hardcore punk that appeared in the 1980's, with "emo" being short for "emotive/emotional hardcore/emoxcore/emocore/whatever," but these people are liars, as early emocore bands like Fugazi are about as far removed from emotastic "music" as is possible, and everybody on the internet knows that "emo" means "angsty kids who take pictures of themselves in a mirror on MySpace." Because random fat people sitting in their basements have confirmed this, it is generally accepted as true.
It is also debated that "emo" is a subculture which stemmed from goths, which stemmed from the punk culture, which stemmed from tophats. This is largely debatable and difficult to prove considering the drastic differences between the "goth" and "emo" subcultures: goths kill kittens, emos cry when kittens are killed or when candidates like John Kerry lose the election. Emos wear tight pants, goths wear parachute pants. By numerous comparisons, those of the emo stereotype have more in common with a chocolate cookie than they do with goths.
A third theory, designed by Dr. Kent, Stanford's leading expert in Emolution while he was on ecstasy, cites vague and obscure evidence that, he argued, strongly proved the Lithuanian Nihilist movement as being responsible for the emo subculture's outgrowth in the early 1990s, perhaps as a secret means of creating hybrids to take over the Earth's teenagers and other abnormally-hormonal people before the egg-shaped meteors came, possibly due to the "emos" being victims of a fungal infection developed by rogue Cuban scientists. Additionally, Dr. Kent believed that they would eventually grow cybernetic appendages to make themselves physically superior to the rest of the human race, who would then be victims of a horrific parasitic fringe as detailed in his short paper on the issue, which stated, "they would eventually grow cybernetic appendages to make themselves more superior to the rest of the human race, who would then be victims of a horrific parasitic fringe." However, Dr. Kent was killed and cannibalized by Wilford Brimley in the early 1980s, at least two decades before the emo subculture started appearing at Hot Topic stores nationwide. Kent was once resurrected from the dead, so it's not impossible that he has again managed to return to the land of the living. This theory has proved controversial.
Fashion & Demeanour
Emo clothing is typically black, mixed with smaller amounts of shockingly bright colors. While emo hair is mostly black as well, there are often flamboyantly bright highlights. Emos tend to favor one-eyed hair cuts. Some believe this hairstyle to have stemmed from a lack of self-esteem or so that they can look like pirates, but it is more commonly believed that they only have one eye.
It is often very difficult to identify the gender of an emo, and even the emos themselves may not be entirely sure of their sex. Many of the emo kind express this by saying they are bisexual. Contrary to popular belief, this is not just a trend; they just cannot decide which set of genitals they prefer in their mouth, which is generally a sign of looming gaydom. They can be easily identified by their ridiculously tight jeans if male (stolen from sister's closet or bought at Macy's). Specifically for the males, wearing tight pants, white studded belts, and small band t-shirts are prevalent. Piercings, eyeliner, and long hair are also common but not necessary.
In the 2020s, the world is witnessing an emo "renaissance". The classic fashion palette of skinny jeans has come to signify the "elder-emos", as opposed to the more advanced, TikTok-based "cyber-emos". These creatures go to great lengths to distance themselves from the rejected minority stereotype, turning to big topics of artistic expression, the human condition, and Internet celebrity manufacture. Life of cyber-emos is difficult to study, as fans use "gifting systems" for communication, basically forming an isolated sect. This new trend is so bad that investigators theorize that the cyber-emos are reincarnations of the first wave of emocore artists, who have passed their Angsty Phase; feeling too ashamed of what they had started, they possessed teenagers to facilitate the self-destruction of the trend.
A majority of those in the emo subculture are vegetarians. This stems from a liberal moral absolutist ideology about eating animals being wrong and horrible like that PETA video shows. How sad. This ideology also reinforces the idea that all emo males are pussies and all emo females are stupid. Emos, like most vegetarians, are not without blatantly bashing meat eating and meat eaters. It is common to see an emo eating a large salad, fruits, and vegetables while looking rather pathetically at a "normal" person consuming a tasty hamburger.
Others who push the self-righteousness further follow the "sxe" lifestyle, also known as "Straight Edge", where they refuse to drink, smoke, eat, or have sex (including masturbation). Masturbation is often to pictures of nerd girls with large bodies, dark hair, and glasses with large, black frames or sext. Don't misunderstand this, these girls are not hot. That's why they are on porn sites or living with families long after college. So, there has been little noted distinction between the "Straight Edge" lifestyle and the moral code of Catholicism. At least not yet.
Emos are known for their often self-inflicted pain. The reason for this is that emos tend to produce gargantuan amounts of emoglobin, a hormone which causes depression, shitty hairstyles, and an introverted attitude. Contrary to emo belief, cutting oneself does not release this hormone; the only known cures are to consume the soul of a kitten (see kitten huffing for instructions), to just stop being such a pathetic bitch and get a haircut, or to kill themselves. Unfortunately, emos produce no amount of the hormone known as common sense, so that rules the last option out. Some emos make the outlandish claim that they inflict pain on themselves because nobody likes them, and that's why they cut themselves. Though the statement that nobody likes them is the truest thing to ever be documented, that's not the real reason that emos cut; it's all in the emoglobin.
Emos enjoy dark, dry places, and middle-class suburbs.
Another place of interest is, in fact, their own bathroom. They derive entertainment out of taking pictures of the reflections of themselves, often showing the camera flash. This has proven another fact: emos are horrible photographers. With all this in mind, common logic would be to shun them from society, or throw them into a pack of wild wolves, but unfortunately "laws" prevent us from doing so.
When roaming outside of their homes, they can be found at their local high school amongst their peers, although now that emoism has been around for some time, emos can be found in colleges. In this environment, the emo's natural predator is any rational human being. They're also commonly found roaming the local mall in abundance, specifically around Hot Topic and stores near it. In order to go past this area, a gas mask and earmuffs are required. Don't ask why! Just do it! Emos will often attend a concert (referred to as a "show"), standing completely still. Homoeroticism may ensue, so if you ever find yourself in this position, get the fuck out. Unless you enjoy it. In which case, don't worry, they don't make much noise anyway. Even if you do have your cock up their arse.
- HowTo:Be Emo
- HowTo:Date an Emo Girl
- Finding Emo
- HowTo:Properly Dispose of The Forces of Emo
- The Unofficial Guide to Hating Yourself
- Swiss Death Clinics
- Emo bashing