John Kerry

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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about John Kerry.

“I want the American people to know John Kerry cares about John Kerry.”

~ John Kerry on John Kerry

John Forbes Kerry (born December 11, 1943) is a former U.S. Senator and failed Presidential Candidate. He was so unpopular that when running against George W. Bush who a majority of US voters had hated and wanted out of office, they all voted for Bush instead of Kerry to suffer another four years of a Bush dictatorship. Nobody seems to know why but maybe 'Diebold' who made the voting machines have the answers?

He was noted for his heroic and patriotic performance after the Vietnam War. Upon returning home, Kerry speedily threw away his three purple hearts in memory of his fallen comrades. Later, he went on to testify, truthfully, that the soldiers he worked with were traitors, and that they failed to listen to his moral and outstanding orders. It was later revealed, in fact, he issued several contradictory orders within minutes of each other, which some believe to be the reason America lost the Vietnam War.


John Kerry was born poor, I mean really really poor. He was a white child, but his parents couldn't afford or even name him and instead of having an abortion they gave him up for adoption. He was adopted as Navin Johnson to a poor family of African-American sharecroppers. He grew up thinking he was African-American himself, until one day he discovered that he wasn't being discriminated against like his relatives. From that day forward he joined The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and took the baptismal name of John Forbes Kerry, being named after John Lennon, taking his middle name from "Forbes Magazine" and his last name after his childhood pet cat Kerry. Seeing how his adoptive family was discriminated against he joined the Democratic Party of America and became a Liberal. While Kerry was not too bright, his relatives all graduated from Ivy League colleges with honors and helped pass Civil Rights Laws. Kerry just tried to find a place for himself, but didn't understand the law, as he flunked out of grade school. He played with his pet cat Kerry, and pet dog Shaggy a lot instead.

Young Adulthood[edit]

John Kerry enjoying the great outdoors.

John Kerry could not find a job, he had no skills, no talents, he couldn't even give speeches or talk like a normal person. Everyone he met called him a "dirty bum" and told him to get a haircut. Since he could not afford a haircut, he went out begging for money to get a haircut. A Navy Recruiter had noticed him and decided to make a deal, The Vietnam Conflict was going on, and if Kerry signed up for the US Navy, he would get a free haircut, plus a job. Kerry was excited, he had never had a job before, he had flunked out of grade school, never attended middle school or high school, and was seen as a 4F by the Draft Board, but the Navy Recruiter fixed all that for him. The deal was he would be assigned to a "Swift Boat" Patrol with the lowest rank possible of Lessor Seaman 9th Class.


John Kerry in Vietnam

Kerry loved the Swift Boats, his commander Lieutenant Dan gave him advice like never wear wet socks, also change into dry socks. He made a friend with an African-American man Bubba and they planned to start up a shrimp boat company after their tour of duty was over. Kerry would go get ice cream for Lieutenant Dan from time to time, he wasn't good for much else. Bubba would show Kerry how to operate the Swift Boat and Machine Gun. Then one day their true grit was tested, it was an ambush by the Vietcong. Lieutenant Dan was shot in his legs and he was down. Kerry went into the ice chest and pulled out a carton of ice cream "Ice creme, Lt. Dan, ice creme Lt. Dan!" he kept saying over and over again. "Man the machine gun you moron!" Lt. Dan yelled back at Kerry. Bubba spoke "John, what is with you? We are under attack! Get down!" to which John danced a bit of a jig with bullets whisking past him. Bubba yelled "No not dance, literally get down on the floor, and get to cover!" Bubba was on the floor of the Swift Boat and crawled to the machine gun, as he was being fired at. "Kerry get to the controls of the Swift Boat, get us out of here!" yelled Lt. Dan. Kerry stood there with ice creme and still dancing. Bubba shot the machine gun and took out some of the Vietcong "Now would be a good time to help us out John." But Kerry kept dancing with his ice creme. "Bubba move this idiot to the floor before he gets killed!" Lt. Dan shouted. Bubba got up and jumped and tackled John to the ground and John lost his grip on the ice creme. "Oh no, Lt. Dan's ice creme!" Kerry whined. Bubba was shot and killed as he knocked down Kerry. Kerry bumped into the machine gun and it went wild and shot the remaining Vietcong, and then he tripped and fell on the controls and steered the Swift Boat away from other Vietcong. Before they got out of range a Vietcong sniper shot at them and hit Kerry in the buttocks.

After being hit in the buttocks, Kerry went crazy and started issuing orders over the radio that were contradictory to each other. Even if he was just a Lessor Seaman 9th Class, other sailors got confused and thought he was an Admiral and he was cussing a lot like one. As a result the US lost the Vietnam Conflict and Saigon fell to the commies who just took over.

War Hero and Dirty Stinking Hippie War Protester[edit]

John Kerry in Vietnam right before testifying to Congress about it

Well Kerry was awarded three Purple Hearts and a Congressional Medal of Honor. He was mourning the death of his friend Bubba and decided to make the BubbaKerry Shrimp Boat company after him after saving up his money. Lt. Dan lost his legs and was not given a medal. Lt. Dan had to move in with Kerry to afford an apartment and Kerry met a girl he liked named Jenny. Jenny was a Hippie, and got Kerry to get involved. Jenny got Kerry hooked on LSD, and during his tripping balls, he decided to protest the very Vietnam Conflict he was a part of it before Congress. [1] In his Navy Uniform he protested the Vietnam Conflict, and even testified to Congress that it was 'fake' and that he did 'war crimes' they covered up in order to give him medals and stuff. He became very popular and then dumped Jenny for a woman who was the heir to the Heinz Ketchup fortune. he gave up his dream of the BubbaKerry Shrimp Boat Company, and used his wife's fortune to buy his way into politics. Kerry kicked out Lt. Dan from the apartment, and made him homeless. But Lt. Dan was hired by Apple Computers because he was in the same soup kitchen as Steve Jobs when he was homeless and living in Wozniak's garage trying to get their company going.

Kerry was very young back then and didn't look like his current self. He resembled Alan Alda more than his current self back then. It caused a lot of confusion for the real Alan Alda, who got movie contracts and TV show contracts over it because he looked like the war hero and war protester John Kerry.

Senator Kerry[edit]

Kerry ran for US Senator in his district under the Democratic Party. He was famous for being famous, protesting and testifying against the Vietnam Conflict made him popular with Democrats but unpopular with Republicans. He ran against an incumbent Republican, who died just before the polls opened so he won by 'default'. As a freshman Senator the other Democratic Senators spoke to him "Listen you dimwit, just do as we say, and vote how we vote, or else there will be trouble." so Kerry listened and he did well as a Senator. After that he just used his wife's fortune to outspend his opponents and run smear-campaigns against them. It all seemed to work quite well, no thinking required. That is, until he was nominated for Candidate for US President by the Democratic Party in 2004 against George W. Bush.

2004 presidential campaign[edit]

"I am JFK of Borg. Resistance is ... isn't ... is ... isn't ..." - John Kerry

John Kerry was noted for running a lively campaign. His energetic (though somewhat droopy and deformed) facial expressions energized American Democrats to vote for Bush.

John Kerry was a favorite among mothers of young children for his uncanny ability to put children to sleep, as well as the elderly, men, women, his running mate, himself, any living or nonliving creature within a 250 mile radius, etc. John Kerry's discovering of this ability allowed him to lose his virginity at the rather young age of 7 to the family dog. After a 5 year relationship with the family pet, John Kerry decided to move onto the fabled sheep. His move towards women has been a recent phenomenon for political support from the non-bestiality segment of the American population.

During his campaign, Kerry took solid positions on many of the important issues facing America. He enjoyed taking solid positions so much, in fact, that he took several solid positions per issue.

"The war is wrong. And I'll win it."[edit]

Osama Bin Laden endorses John Kerry before the Election

John Kerry had a plan. It was a plan, unlike any other plan. What this plan was was never announced, but by golly he had one.

Another sturdy position taken was the stance that the troops deserved the best body armor available. Kerry's method to achieve this was to vote against any attempt to upgrade the body armor.

And, despite what some may say, he actually did vote for the 87 billion, before he voted against it.

He said the war in Iraq and Afghanistan was wrong, that Osama bin Laden did not do 9/11 and had no connection to Iraq. He then said he would win the war on terror by killing Saddam Hussein in Iraq and overthrowing the Iraqi government and then finding and killing Osama bin Laden, and then he'd win the wars. He said that is why in Congress he voted for, and approved of the wars, but then later changed his mind because 'Bush" tricked him. He tried to vote to end the wars, but couldn't figure out how those buttons that said "Yea or Nay" work and he kept pressing the wrong ones. So those votes didn't count, and he wanted a do-over.


When questioned on about his position on abortion, Kerry responded "I find it morally irrehensible and something that should be punished. But I won't impose my opinion on anyone." and "Abortion is really murder, but treated like birth control which should also be illegal." and then "If a woman wants to get an abortion, she can, but she will be labeled a 'slut' for the rest of her life like Sarah Fluke." In effect, he tried to please all sides and ended up pleasing none. This strategy was employed in several other areas with the same level of success.


John Kerry dressed up like this for his immigration reform speech

John Kerry decided that immigration reform was important enough to add to his campaign. He wanted to reach out to the Latino voters. So he dressed up as a Mariachi Band player and gave a speech about how immigrants are stealing our jobs and ruining our economy. He called them 'stupid' and only draining the nation. There was a big upset with the crowd. He spoke again and said he was only talking about the illegal immigrants, and then it got nasty. So he spoke again and said "Anyone who wants to work, can work, people have the right to low wages and stupid jobs if they want to work. Our immigrants both legal and illegal, both documented and undocumented, have the right to work stupid, repetitive, boring jobs, nobody else wants. If not, then they can get stuck in Iraq instead. All the same to me. Is this microphone on?" at that point mass riots broke out and the Secret Service had to take Senator Kerry away by helicopter.

Then in a bullet-proof glass cage, in a safe location, he reached for the microphone and said "What I meant to say, was that, I was for legalizing immigration before I was for banning it. In the wrong hands immigration is bad and evil, but in the right hands it is good and legal. Those that steal jobs are criminals, but we should legalize stealing jobs because it ties out our court system for other more serious issues. I cite the second amendment that says the rights of the people to bear jobs cannot be taken away by the government. Wait, what, did I get it wrong? Bearing arms, who wrote that stupid phrase? Anyway we should ban all guns before there are more criminals shooting people with them and strike down the second amendment and grab all the guns we can!"

There was mass confusion over that one, Kerry got immigration mixed up with gun rights. People didn't know what to think anymore about Kerry and didn't know where he really stood on any issue.

US Troops[edit]

And who could blame him?

Kerry went on the record to say "Stay in school, get good grades or else you will fail and then get stuck in Iraq" and went on to call all US Troops, Veterans, and Disabled Veterans as 'stupid'. This seems to be a common word he uses to describe people, and he may not really understand what it means. [2] but he keeps using it anyway. He lost their votes and didn't understand why.

The War on Drugs[edit]

Kerry stated "Drugs are bad, m'kay, don't do drugs." but was found smoking some weed and then using a form of LSD named 'Black Blotter'. When questioned he claimed it was for "medical use", and that he was still against using drugs. Then he changed his position and said "All drugs should be legalized" and there was much rejoicing, but then he said "Well maybe pot, and not the other stuff", and then "Well not even pot, and we should put a ban on alcohol as well as some sort of prohibition." He was then informed that the US had banned alcohol before and it didn't work. "Huh, what you do mean? I never studied history but if there was a prohibition on alcohol I'd know about it and see a Constitutional amendment on it." His staff informed him that there was amendments on it, one to ban it, and the other to repeal the ban. "Well the US Constitution doesn't matter, it is a stupid document written by uninformed people." Kerry spoke and then a mob formed with lawyers and judges telling him that the US Constitution does matter and it is not a stupid paper and our laws are based on it. To which Kerry took a few bong hits and replied "LOL, WUT?"

Gay Marriage[edit]

At first Kerry was for Gay Marriage, he spoke about it at Massachusetts to crowds there. Then he went to Missouri and spoke to crowds there that he was against Gay Marriage because it destroyed religions and straight marriage. Then he went to California and said he made a mistake in Missouri and that smart people make mistakes and change their mind, he is for Gay Marriage again. Then he went to Arizona and told them Gay Marriage did 9/11 and let all of these illegal immigrants in here and it is stupid and should be banned. When asked about him changing his mind a lot on this issue he claimed "Well it is my script writers, they write my speeches and one is for it and one is against it. My real position, I don't know, I'll have to ask my wife on that and see what she thinks."

Campaign controversies[edit]

He was a Nazi John. A Nazi!

Due to problems in Florida with 'hanging chads' and other excuses with the old outdated IBM Mainframe Punch Card System, The Republican Party paid money to a company named 'Diebold' during the Bush Administration to make new modern voting machines to eliminate any problem in voting. The new voting machines were made, and even if 5 times out of 7 it cast the wrong vote for the Republican candidate when the voter voted for the Democratic candidate, it was approved. Oh it looked bad for Bush, he was showing negative numbers in the polls, even some the Republicans wanted to impeach him. In a poll conducted between George W. Bush or Adolf Hitler, Hitler won 90% of the time, that was how bad it was. Everyone knew that John Kerry would win. Sure he nerfed the debates, but some say he won by just not being 'Bush'. Kerry was not a good public speaker, and had a bad stutter, it was said he was not a 'smart man' and he didn't even know why he was running. But voters loved him, and he had a 99.9999999999999999% chance of winning. But some of the other Navy Swift Boat people decided to tell the truth about Kerry in attack-ads and smear-campaigns. Saying he was not a real hero, and that anything he did was pure accident because of his gross incompetence. The word "Swift-Boat" was used and John Kerry was being "Swift Boated". He tried to counter with his own "Swift Boat" ads, but they didn't work. Still he was leading in the polls with a 87.555555555% chance of winning. After the voting was done, Bush won the election with 70% of the vote. Mostly from dead people, dogs and cats, comic book characters, and of course Canadians, and Kerry came in third place, even Ralph Nader beat him. It was a real embarrassing experience.

Red State Blue State[edit]

The election map was mostly red for Bush, there were some blue states for Kerry but they were really purple for Nader, but they decided not to count the Nader votes and give the states to Kerry. The red states got called Jesusland, and the blue states got called Kerryland. Kerry was trying to figure out how to play Candyland, and then it hit him. He didn't win, the election was rigged or something, but how could he prove it? Someone came to him with evidence of 'Diebold' rigging the voting machines and the Republicans making up fake voting accounts, but Kerry spoke up "I'm not a smart man, I don't understand these things." and so he resigned from the election and admitted defeat to Bush instead of being a real man and challenging the votes. After that Kerry was mocked and made fun of, even by fellow Democrats. He was deemed non-notable and his Wikipedia article deleted, and his Uncyclopedia article huffed.


John Kerry in his hit film "Golddigger". He became one after it was released.

John Kerry could not find work, so he was hired as a "Walmart Greeter" he was so depressed at losing the 2004 election that he would sob uncontrollably at work when someone mentioned politics to him or near him. His wife's fortune had run out and she was disowned by the Heniz family. The Heniz Ketchup company was sold to rich Belgiums. Walmart fired Kerry because he was incompetent as a Walmart greeter. Kerry later found employment digging ditches, until one day when he refused to get out of the rain he was struck by lightning. He woke up in a hospital and decided to change his life for the better.

Same old Kerry, different gig[edit]

He decided to support copyright acts that took away freedoms, rights, and liberties from the citizens so that greedy mega corporations can get richer. He decided that US Voters are stupid [3] and that because of that he needs to get back into politics. He was chosen because of his background in politics and tried to get SOPA, ACTA, and PIPPA passed, but they all failed. Finally he got the "Six Strikes and you are out" Law to pass by bribing Senators and congresspeople for the RIAA and MPAA using lobbyist money. US ISPS would monitor P2P filesharing traffic and if a customer's IP was found to copy copyrighted materials they would get a warning and their bandwidth would be capped to dial-up speed as punishment. If after this happened six times, they would lose Internet access and attend a class on copyright law. All of this happened without 'due process' and against the US Constitution and allowed Internet Censorship, and end to privacy and anonymity, but Kerry didn't know what all of those complex things meant, all he knows is that he is making good money again. John Kerry recently went on to say "People have the right to be stupid" [4] because stupid people have the right to do stupid things, and stupid is as stupid does.

He was promoted to secretary of state, and then he invented a whole new county just for himself [5] he then went on his own magical mystery tour and made one mistake after another [6] he then called it a success.

See also[edit]


Candidates in the 2004 U. S. Presidential Election
Republican Candidates

George W. Bush

Democratic Candidates

John KerryHoward DeanDennis KucinichJohn EdwardsJoe LiebermanLyndon LaRoucheAl Sharpton

Independent Candidates

Ralph Nader