Holy Bible: Revised Liberal Edition

“This political stuff is hogwash. As long as you get some, who cares?”

~ Oscar Wilde on Politics

This translation of the Bible was written by God, the real One, not that one who sits in the street screaming at passersby about the aliens who stole his underwear. It takes into account the greatest findings from such reputable liberal scholars as Michael Jackson, Charles Manson, Joe Mama, and Eminem. It speaks to our generation as no other translation can, because it has full color centrefold pull-outs. It is also known as the Doomsday Book.

The ten liberal commandments

I. "I am the Lord thy God; thou shalt not bash those who follow other gods than the god of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob."

II. "Thou shalt not tell lame 'yo mama' jokes to your mother."

III. "Remember thou keep holy the Oscar Wilde quotes."

IV. "Honour thy father and thy mother, except on Livejournal."

V. "Thou shalt listen to Heavy Metal; Thou shalt not listen to the emo, the rap, nor any other genre. Thou shalt have no other band beyond KISS."

VI. "Thou shalt not commit adultery, except if you are elected into office or nobody else is watching. If nobody else knows about it, it didn't happen. If someone accuses you of adultery argue with them over what the meaning of 'sexual relations' 'is' and what other words really mean."

VII. "Thou shalt not steal televisions, except if you are a Negro and a natural disaster happens."

VIII. "Thou shalt not bare thine ass unless it is amusing and in public."

IX. "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife before thy neighbor's daughter."

X. "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's mmooose.ee"

Seven deadly sins of liberal Christianity

1. Bunny rabbits.

2. Some political thing goes here. Mostly about conservatives.

3. Rosie O'Donnell.

4. Capital punishment.

5. The letter after "E".

6. Mean people.

7. Richard Simmons.

8. Poor counting ability.

9. Cyanide.

10. Questioning the fact that there are 14 "Seven Deadly Sins".

11. Not committing adultery when holding public office. (This eleventh sin was created in opposition to the Conservative Bible's Eleventh Sin of "Not dealing heroin and small arms to South American resistance groups and Iran" Or the twelfth conservative sin of "Not giving $3,000,000,000 of American taxpayers money as well as CIA training, small arms, rocket launchers, tanks and satellite images of Soviet troop movements to "freedom fighters" such as Osama Bin Laden in Afghanistan".)

12. Being born of rape, incest, or being unwanted for any other reason.. It is immediatly forgiven after leaving the womb.

13. Not sacrificing your young who committed the twelfth deadly sin to God.

14. Blasphemy against gays. This includes pointing out the risks of the gay lifestyle. And the fact that being born gay would justify it as much as kleptomania justifies theft. And documented sexual orientation changes. And the fact that the Nazis were gay

“SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU INTOLERANT FUCK, WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS REALLY OFFENSIVE!!!”

~ some liberal on the editor who made the 14th commandment

“Exactly. What's the difference between your offence at gays being insulted and, say, a Muslim's offence at Muhammad being insulted?”

~ Oscar Wilde on the editor's commentary

“Umm... OUR FOURTEENTH COMMANDMENT IS BASED ON UNIVERSAL MORAL PRINCIPLES OF FREEDOM, EQUALITY, AND LOVE, UNLIKE MUSLIMS, WHO BASE THEIR RULES ON THE DUMB ORDERS OF SOME INVISIBLE RACIST SPACE WIZARD!!!”

~ The aforementioned liberal on Oscar Wilde's reply

Liberal Biblical philosophy

God wrote the Bible whilst learning computer networking in college.

Liberals generally have no Biblical philosophy because they aren't brainwashed swine who foolishly believe in Athe (or deny her existence too). Instead they are ignorant cockroaches who follow anarchy, except they hold others to rules but not themselves. In fact, liberal Biblical philosophies (if any exist) are to be applied to non-liberals but not liberals. Which means liberals can do whatever the hell they want, but hold non-liberals accountable for their actions and behaviors.

The unwritten liberal Bibilcal philosophy that liberals generally do not follow (at least they claim not to follow anyway) are as follows:

• Question everything, except other liberals and liberal ideas.
• Don't take The Bible so literally; try to make things up.
• Peaceful protests mean people should get violent, burn things, and turn loudspeakers up to eleven.
• Minority groups should be the ones running governments, not the elected officials.
• When in danger, when it doubt, run in circles, scream and shout, then blame the God-Fearing Republicans.
• Life is tough, life is hard, so grease it up with antelope lard.
• Refuse to take responsibility for your own behavior, but hold others "responsible for their actions". Jebus gives you special permission to act like a hypocrite, but not others.
• You have a right to your opinions and views, and a right to the freedom of speech, but not non-liberals and others with whom you disagree.
• That peasants and nobles alike shall go forth and work the land for 6o head of cattle per day. Apparently this was the first form of socialism.
• Instead of blaming terrorists for terrorism, you should blame the victims for being targets and causing the terrorists to take up terrorism.

Liberals' heads may asplode if their holy book is found to have been actually written by Ann Coulter.

• Who needs facts and evidence, when the ones with the most blogs and loudest voices are the ones who get the media's attention? After all, the truth is boring but liberal lies are exciting and make news.
• When backed into a corner during a debate, counter-attack by calling other people names like neocon, doodyhead, pill junkie, or chickenhawk, but then accuse others of doing the same thing. (You never did such a thing.)

God wrote the Bible whilst learning computer networking in college. The actual philosophy of the Holy Bible: Liberal Edition is therefore up for debate. One group of liberal Christians says there is no liberal Bible philosophy, while the other groups make up their own liberal Bible philosophy. This paragraph has been rewritten a dozen times and blanked at least twice as a result of these two warring factions of liberal Christians. Yet it has produced a series of books being made into a movie called "The Golden Compass" in which liberal atheists prove that God does not exist, by first acknowledging that God exists and deserves to be killed (because Santa Claus didn't give Lyra a pony for Christmas, and the little girl raises an army to fight God by making a dimensional portal into the afterlife, just because she was on Santa's naughty list that year for throwing temper tantrums at her parents when they told her to go to sleep at nine but she wanted to stay up until three to watch watershed/porno shows on Cable TV. Then she travels north to look for Santa Claus, but finds polar bears in armor instead, who used to work for Coca-Cola, and drinking all that soda made them mean and mad at God. Then other people called Gyptians join her, along with Demons from Satan himself who also does not exist, to go to a city fortress that does not exist and open up a dimensional portal to the afterlife which does not exist. To kill God, ignoring the fact that God/Jesus died over 2000 years ago and came back from the dead anyway.) Liberal Christians, then agree with the liberal atheists and support Hollywood to make the movie based on the books. It sure ticks off those fundies and conservatives, though.

Liberal origin of life

In Genesis, Athe creates Adam and Eve and others from Evolution, and uses Abiogenesis to create life from inorganic matter using random chance. This is how the first man and woman evolved. It was an Unintelligent Design by Athe, and not some sort of Intelligent Design. In fact, Genesis 11:30 says "Intelligent Design isn't real, you are all morons for believing this lie!" and that liberals should go out and get Evolution promoted in schools as the truth, especially in the Kansas state in the United States.

Also Genesis 12:36 states "It was Adam and Eve, but it could be Adam and Steve or Anna and Eve. Marriage is between two consenting adults, including same-sex marriages. Anyone who believes otherwise is a homophobe." Which seems to be the original of the liberal view on gay marriage and homosexuals.

Differences from orthodox Christianity

• Orthodox Christians teach that necrophilia is fun, while liberal Christians say that sex with anything is fair game (and fun).
• Orthodox Christians claim that reason is useful to some degree, yet reject any conclusions that conflict with the Bible, despite its obvious flaws as a scientific text. Liberal Christians allegedly like to talk about the Bible teaching that insects have four legs, though "insect" is a modern taxonomical classification with few precedents in the ancient world. LC's also like to say that orthodox Christians believe the world is only six thousand years old. This is based on hundreds of thousands of orthodox Christians claiming exactly that. Nevertheless, some orthodox Christians, who recognise that the Bible does not explicitly state an age, choose to ignore a large body of their more fundamentalist cousins.
• Orthodox Christians claim to think logically about the Bible, but they really just reject parts that don't cater to their desires. Many liberal Christians do the exact same thing. So, there is no actual difference. Never mind.
• Orthodox Christians, ignoring the vast bulk of human history, teach that God will punish people just for fun as in the biblical smitings with disease, prolapsed colons, and defilement. They believe that infinite punishment for limited transgressions is an aspect of goodness, and that God really hates punishing people but still does it to those who have the gall to think such a policy is a load of bullshit.
• Liberal Christians believe that this type God is petty, violent, and less just than your parents. They also insist that God made people cannibal in the Bible. Orthodox Christians believe that the latter is very clear on the point that some people ate their babies of their own free will, and can't fathom the concept of anyone disagreeing with them.
• Orthodox Christians believe that Jeebus was God Incarnate and said, "No one comes to the Father but by Me." They believe that implies that only one religion is True™. They are utterly unable to explain why they believe that similar quotes from the Qur'an, or other scriptures are not equally authoritative. (See the discussion on reason, above). They believe that those ignorant of the True™ religion, God will allow them to enter the upper atmosphere from "baptism of desire." If they reject it, an infinitely just and loving God (i.e., the one professed by orthodox Christianity will torture them forever for rejecting Truths™ that run contrary to all known physical laws.
• Liberal Christians believe that Jesus was a cool guy and the savior of mankind and all, but don't go as far as the orthodox Christians when it comes to damning all those who don't appreciate his progressiveness (though they do claim all followers of Karl Rove will be damned).
• Orthodox Christians believe that only one version of these can be right, and obviously the Bible supports the orthodox Christian doctrine. Liberal Christians therefore found that it was necessary to create a new Bible, more suited to our modern sensibilities regarding love and justice, and our desire to have a Great Permissive Dude in the Sky Who Lets Us Do Whatever We Want.
• Liberal Christians stole and ate your baby.
• Orthodox Christians believe that making fun of liberal Christians is totally in line with what Jesus would have done. According to orthodox Christians, in a lost chapter of the Book of Mark, Jesus once came across a group of Greeks who were trying to start a new Roman democracy and said, "Ha ha, you losers! I bet you will try to guarantee equal rights to all, too! Faggots, your nation will one day crumble under its own hypocrisy!" Everyone knows Jesus votes Republican because he allowed George W. Bush to serve out two terms as US President despite Bush's being very unpopular with the liberal public. Even more proof can be found in the book of Revelation where Jesus comes back to Earth, and takes over the world by having a foreign policy of overthrowing governments he disagrees with and calls evil, and setting his own people up in positions of power that mimics Bush's foreign policy.
• Orthodox Christians believe Jesus will come back and rid the world of evil.
• Liberal Christians believe that John Kerry or Al Gore can come back and rid the world of evil. If not, then some other random liberal politician who got his/her political butt kicked by an unpopular neocon will come back and rid the world of evil.

Modern version of the Holy Bible: Liberal Edition

Read this book to learn how to be a liberal and serve God.

Recent changes were made to the book, to make it easier on the eyes and easier to understand. The average modern liberal has the IQ of Potato Salad, so the whole book had to be rewritten into a more modern, simpler, and revised format. It sums everything up to under a hundred pages, and most of them are pictures. It includes hints and tips as well as examples. It helps to explain how to be a modern liberal, and how to take advantage of technology and the media. It outlines the marketing plan that liberals need to follow when communicating with the unwashed masses of the public. It guides liberals in their quest for power, by learning how to grab attention by any means possible. It has forwards by Cindy Sheehan, Michael Moore, John Kerry, Al Gore, and many other famous liberals. It is written to help you, and others, learn to get in touch with their liberalism in a more modern format.

Use it against those heathens, and infidels out there who speak out against our holy book and way of life. Learn to unleash that liberal power inside you, and shine your light into the world to expose the darkness. After all, it is only our opinions and views that matter, as we are the chosen people of the planet and we deserve to be in power. This new modern version of the book also comes in audio tapes and CDs, for those of us who cannot read. It has been a favorite of many prisons and hotels, replacing the Gideon's Bible and other books in the best seller list. Read it every day and learn the truth, preach and convert others over to our side. Live up to your potential by reading this book.

This article is an increasingly hilarious attempt at conservative humor. It woke up Zombie Reagan so he can run for a third term.

Defend the sanctity of humor by passing a Constitutional Amendment that Bi-Partisanly Outlaws Liberal Whining.

See also

• Reasons to become an atheist
• Unitarian Universalism