Constitutional Convention (United States)

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“They didn't invite me!”

The Constitutional Convention (also known as the Philadelphia Convention, the Federal Convention, the Grand Convention at Philadelphia, or, colloquially, ConCon (as printed on the fliers)) took place from May 14 to September 17, 1787, in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, to celebrate the continuing love people had for the Founding Fathers, and the sense of community citizens received from the group. Several members of the group were invited, and some actually attended! The first convention was succeeded by the Annual Constitutional Convention and Swap Meet, which is held in Philadelphia every summer, and features vendors and fans from all over the globe!

Cast members[edit | edit source]

Several of the original cast were in attendance at the convention, and there participated on a dais for the highlight of the event the question and answer meet and greet. Fans and friends were regaled with stories from the stars, and were able to ask questions of the cast, and interact with them in an informal setting! Attendees included:

  • George Washington: General, Signer, Tall guy, Spokesman for National Oral Hygiene Month, and Professional Cherry Tree Pruner, Gave the keynote address and presided over the festivities. George has retired to Mt. Vernon with his wife Martha, and his dogs Cisco and Buddy, and his horse Champ. In his free time George has started a mail-order seed business and does pottery and tai-chi.
  • Benjamin Franklin: Celebrated ladies man and super genius, Ben has entered what he calls a "working retirement" in his Philly home. Surrounded by dozens of nubile young female "companions", he conducts his experiments and writes a weekly advice column in the Pennsylvania Courant under the title "Ask Agnes".
  • James Madison: "The Short Guy", we are happy to report, has no shortage of activities nowadays! Mad-man Madison, as Franklin took to calling him, is working towards establishing the 14th state in the so-called "Cracker Barrel" of the U.S. A place he calls, "Wisconsin". Madison still resides in Virginia with his wife, snack cake baker and revolutionary hottie Dolley.

The Convention[edit | edit source]

The Convention began with conversations amongst the Castmembers. The group decided that the old crappy Articles of Confederation sucked. The group took it upon themselves to write a new framework of government in their spare time. No one asked them to, and no provision was made to act on, or even officially recognize the group. But because the group was bored, they forged ahead.

Early on, several controversies erupted. Among these controversies were the Large States vs. Small States, Slave States vs. Free States, Smoking States vs. Non-smoking States, how long to extend the slave trade in order to maximize profits, and the Pizza vs. Chinese takeout controversies.

Small vs. Large State[edit | edit source]

Two plans were developed to set up this hypothetical government. The plans were presented by New Jersey, a small state, and Virginia, now, guess what kind of state Virginia was... The issue was population and representation in Congress: the large states using the principle of popular sovereignty, and the small states using the principle of whining to get your way. The Large-State/Small-State divide proved essentially unresolvable right up to the closing ceremonies; but then Connecticut, a mid-range state (way back in those days) managed to save the convention with their third-alternative "Can't We All Just Get Along? plan".