Requiem Republicam

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
The lyrics of the Requiem Republicam evoke the end times upon which the people are summoned before the all-powerful and all-knowing government.

The Requiem Republicam, or Republican Requiem, is a liturgical rite performed within the American Republican Church. It is typically performed at times of legislative or electoral victory, though it is also sometimes performed during political conventions—particularly during the rite of political smear and the rite of grandstanding. During a performance of the Requiem Republicam, calls and prayers are made for the complete destruction and annihilation of the enemies and apostates of the Republican Church. Other American political sects also perform the Requiem; however, in most other sects, this rite is usually performed during times of mourning for the democratic process and the rule of law.

History[edit | edit source]

The first Requiem Republicam service occurred in 1861. At the time, the Requiem Republicam consisted solely of the text from Canto Proelium Republicam (Eng.:Battle Hymn Republic).

Over the next few decades, the Requiem rite was performed sporadically. However, in the first decade of the twentieth century under the papacy of His Holiness Theodore Roosevelt, the Requiem gained greatly in popularity. Throughout the nineteenth century and most of the early twentieth century, the liturgy of the Requiem was highly variable. The militaristic and strident text of Canto Proelium Republicam fell out of favor while other texts such as Depressio Magnus and Cal Silens gained popularity.

The modern form of the Requiem was set in 1964 at the Convention of San Francisco, which established a standard text for the Requiem. Under the directives of Bishop Richard Nixon and His Holiness Barry Goldwater, the text of the Requiem changed dramatically. The first Requiem was a militaristic and strident paean for racial equality and justice; after the reforms of 1964, the Requiem became a militaristic and strident screed against Communists, women, the poor, and Negros.

Under the current papacy of His Holiness George W. Bush, further additions and alterations have been made to the Requiem Republicam (which until then had undergone little modification since the Convention of San Francisco). With this further modernization, the popularity of the Requiem Republicam has continued to increase greatly.

Many artists and composers have adapted the Requiem Republicam for their own purposes. Many settings of the Requiem include additional texts and movements. These non-standard liturgies have become popular, even with strictly observant Republicans.

The Standard Requiem Republicam Service[edit | edit source]

The regular texts of the Requiem Republicam service are organized in several sections. Excerpts of the texts from each of these sections (along with English translations) are detailed below:

Introit[edit | edit source]

The word requiem comes from the opening passage of the Introit.

Requiem æternam dona eis, Domine, et paupertas perpetua pesteat ignavis. Te decet hymnus Deus, in Mammon, et tibi reddetur votum in Vasingtonia. Exaudi orationem meam; ad me omnis opes veniet.
(“Grant them eternal idleness, O Lord, and may everlasting poverty curse the lazy. A hymn becometh thee, O God, in Capital and Riches, and unto thee a vow shall be repaid in Washington. Hear my prayer; unto me all wealth shall come.”)

Kyrie elision[edit | edit source]

The Kyrie is typically sung three times. Its Hellenistic themes emphasize the fact that tragedy for the poor is comedy for the rich.

Kyrie eleison; Christe eleison; Kyrie eleison. (Κυριε ελησηον; Χριστε ελησηον; Κυριε ελησηον.)
(“O Lord, may your mercy elude the poor; O Christ, may your mercy elude the poor; may mercy elude the poor and the apostates.”)

Media gradual[edit | edit source]

Requiem æternam dona nuntius, Domine; In memoria æterna erit iustus ab auditione mala non timebit.
(“Grant the mass media eternal rest, O Lord. We shall be justified in everlasting memory, and shall not fear evil and biased media reporting.")

Tract[edit | edit source]

Absolve Canonicus animas terpium fidelium defunctorum ab omno vinculo delictorum et gratia tua illis succurente mereantur evadere iudicium iustis, et lucis æterne beatitudine perfrui.
(“Acquit, O Prosecutor, the souls of all indicted Republican faithful departed from all the chains of their sins and may they deserve to avoid the judgment of the jury by your fostering grace, and enjoy the blessedness of everlasting light.”)

Sequence[edit | edit source]

The text of the Sequence comes from the hymn Dies Iraq, which was written by Father Douglas Feith, a monk from the Neo-Conservative monastic order. It is considered to be the most dramatic of the texts contained within the Requiem Republicam. The fantastical nature of the policies espoused within Dies Iraq is a testament to the power of human self-delusion, hubris, and disinformation.

Dies Iraq! dies Iran
Solvet sæclum in favilla
Teste Tenet cum Condilla!
Quantus tremor est futurus,
quando judex est venturus,
cuncta stricte discussurus!
(“Day of Iraq and Iran looming!
WMD’s of Saddam and ayatollahs consuming,
George Tenet’s word and Condoleeza Rice’s truth foredooming!
What horror must invade the mind,
when the approaching judge shall find,
and sift the deeds of terrorist mastermind.”)

Traditionally, the Sequence was the most somber portion of the Requiem. The melodic line (Loudspeaker.png excerpt) was performed as a slow chant.


However, since the reforms of Republican II, more modern settings of Dies Iraq have struck a more triumphalist tone (Loudspeaker.png excerpt).

Offertory[edit | edit source]

Domine, Iesu Christe, Rex gloriæ, libera animas omnium republicum defunctorum de poenis inferni et de profundo lacu. Libera eas de ore leonis, ne absorbeat eas securitas maximas, ne cadant in obscurum; sed signifer sanctus Diebold repræsentet eas in imperium sanctum, quam olim Abraham Lindumæ promisisti et semini eius.
(“Lord Jesus Christ, King of glory, free the souls of all the indicted Republicans from infernal punishment and the deep pit. Free them from the mouth of the lion; do not let federal prison swallow them, nor let them fall into darkness; but may the ballot-bearer, Diebold, lead them into the holy positions of power which you promised to Abraham Lincoln and his followers.”)

Sanctus[edit | edit source]

Sanctus, Sanctus, Sanctus, Domine Bush Sabaoth; pleni sunt coeli et terra gloria tua.
(“Holy, Holy, Holy, Lord Bush of Hosts; Heaven and earth are full of Thy glory”).

Præsidens Dei[edit | edit source]

God President, take away the terror.
Præsidens Dei, qui tollis terror mundi, dona eis bellum,
Præsidens Dei, qui tollis terror mundi, dona eis bellum,
Præsidens Dei, qui tollis terror mundi, dona eis bellum sempiternam.
(“Godly President, who takes away the terror in the world, wage unto them war, …wage unto them war eternal.”)

Gloria Americana[edit | edit source]

The Gloria Americana was written by the monk Lee Greenwood. It is the second-most recent addition to the Requiem.

(“I’m proud to be an American where at least I know I’m free.
And I won’t forget the men who died, who gave that right to me.
And I’d gladly stand up next to you and defend her still today.
Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land God bless the U.S.A.”)

Die gerade Wissenschaft[edit | edit source]

Die gerade Wissenschaft (The Straight Science) is the most recent addition to the Requiem. It was added in June of 2006 under order of His Holiness George W. Bush. Unlike the rest of the Requiem, it is written in German.

The Germanic tone of this movement reflects the Frankish, Vandal, or even utterly Gothic ferocity with which the faithful slay the terrorists, poor, and apostates.

Zarqawi ist tot!
Zarqawi bleibt tot!
Und wir haben ihn getötet.
(“Zarqawi is dead!
Zarqawi remains dead!
And we are his murderers.”)

It should be noted that Die gerade Wissenschaft is in no way related to the works of the apostate German Nietzsche.

The Requiem in Modern Culture[edit | edit source]

Since the elevation of George W. Bush to sainthood and the release of a pop single of the Requiem by Britney Spears, the Requiem has filtered into every part of popular culture. Toby Keith has even made a country-western version, though it didn’t sell well since it was in a language other than English. Throughout the United States, the popularity of the Requiem has increased along with patriotism and fealty to God and the government.

External links[edit | edit source]