Gerald Ford
 | This article may be Overly American Brits may not understand humor, only humour. Canadians and Australians may not understand anything at all. Do not attempt to remedy this. |
| Richard Farter II | |
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| Personal info | |
| Nationality | American |
| Date of birth | July 14, 1914 |
| Place of birth | spawned from the earth |
| Date of death | 2006 |
| Place of death | Unknown, That's for sure |
| First Lady | Betty Ford-Center |
| Political career | |
| Order | 38th President |
| Vice President | Nelson "Oysters" Rockefeller |
| Prime Minister | n/a |
| Term of office | n/a–n/a |
| Preceded by | Richard Nixon |
| Succeeded by | Jimmy Carter |
| Political party | Republican Party |
| Penis nickname | n/a |
“He looks like me. And I voted for him!”
Gerald McRednosed Boingie Boing Boing Ford (1914-2006) though long thought to be an urban legend told around campfires by scoutmasters, was, in fact, the 38th President of the United Socialist States of America. Confusion often arises concerning the achievements of the Ford Presidency, since he was so unremarkable domestically, and spent extensive periods of time abroad as an undercover spy amongst remote aboriginal tribesmen; who were prone to disappearance along with their whole families. Some believe McBogie Nose (a nickname), was ashamed of pardoning, and spooning with, President Richard Nixon after his impeachment, although as an eleventh cousin of The Duke of Edinburgh, who was the ringleader of those ever-so-jolly 'spear-thrower stab and grab contests', this is nonsensical. Again, contrary to popular belief, President Ford did not suffer from terminal clumsiness due to a head injury sustained while drinking 100-proof alcohol - on the contrary.
Childhood[edit | edit source]
Ford was born in 1914 in a log cabin in Omaha, Nebraska specially constructed for the occasion. He quickly moved away from that city, and went to the hell hole of Grand Rapids, Michigan and as a child, he would routinely masturbate to pictures of incumbent US presidents falling down. He attended West Point and Harvard, and tried to attend East Point although became lethargic after he couldn't find it and so didn't bother to finish his formal education. The only blot on this otherwise 'prestigious academic career' was his expulsion from Republican Kindergarten for wanting a bigger school government.
Love...[edit | edit source]
Ford's first and last love was football.[1] He played center for the Michigan Wolverines. He has stated on record that "There's no better feeling than falling face-first into the freshly planted astroturf during a home game." Later on he spurned an offer to play for the Green Bay Packers because, as Ford said, "I had played one too many games without a football helmet." It later turned out he didn't say this at all but somewhat agreed with the sentiment. Maybe.
Marriage[edit | edit source]
Ford, by arrangement of the Grand Parroteer of Madagascar unwittingly found himself in wedlock with one of the 'BigHair' heiresses of refined product manufacturers, who became known for her voluntary internment in the Betty Ford-Center. The behappy couple then made their moves on the great stage of politics.
District of Colombia[edit | edit source]
In the honorary district of the man who brought independence to the New World from the Order of the Rose and other Vatican intermediaries of the illusive yet clumsy Council of Seven - George Wahsington - and the famous (infamous to Indian Indians and Native American Indians for different reasons) Knight Templar Christopher "Roundhead" Columbus, Mrs Elizabeth Anne Bloomer Warren Ford, aka Betty, devoted herself to sipping, supping, blathering & gardening. Meanwhile, her vagrant and all too often vacant husband, Mr Ford, embarked upon a large-scale project for minoring of the fertile fields of pornography. After extensive evacuations across the NAFTA zones of farsical commerce - particularly from the occidental of mountains south of the border to certain Texan ranches - nightly (dummy Ford was indeed a dimmy) poppings and pumpings, and some impromptu dumpings, the minnies were eventually transported to Guam in subterranean, solidly mental Pied Piper class band-wagons. Once in Guam, Ford's collection of the 'crude' was made fractionally disintegrational with main-line productions - or, in the case of his cameo appearances, it was made cruder - by the adoption of child sex-slaves put under the lights of beastliness (see Illuminati) for rip-roarer perversions of a clique of stupid white men. It was then bought and sold across the world by means of autogyro and new orders for particular themes were regular among his customers. Walter Disney was reported to have made a request for a gormeless git to play the yellow-bellied yet wellied Toad in a pilot for the Malice in Ponderland series (Ford's most important career move) which remains popular among his fellows of the Wizardry of Diz Club in Washington DC. His wife had not dug herself in deep enough on the White House lawn though and oftentimes found herself 'missing time', and said she thought there was certainly a good cause for her to intern herself in a charitable foundation - she did it too.
Politics[edit | edit source]
Within a mere thirty years in the fervent fields of lies, liable, litigation and loutishness Ford earnt his name Boingie Boing Boing because he was always bouncing on the seats in the Senate. He also became known as "arguably the greatest politician to have ever lived". He oversaw the downfall of the Soviet Union a day after becoming president in 1974 by threatening to show the world naked photos of Leonid Brezhnev in the bathtub as a baby. When surveyed in 1986 as to whether Ford was "a great President, or the greatest President" an overwhelming 89% of responders chose the latter - the most popular comment being "Ford is a legend. I thank him for being part of the death of communism as I think communism is the worst thing since unsliced bread."
Progressive Intercouse Reform[edit | edit source]
Since the conception of the Department of Progressive Intercourse was created by John F. Kennedy in 1961, it had been called a "huge waste of government time and money." The post-assassination-of-hope President, staunch Anti-Genitalian RicHard O'Nixon, had scaled down the Department, it was still spending about $49,000,000,000 dollars annually on reusable condom technology alone. Ford, upon entering office, scaled the budget of the Department back up a bit, and had a team of crackerjack soothsayers, and ambitious Capitol Hill lawyers for Pedophilliacs for Organization of Perfunctory Engagements (POPE) focus on ways to abolish Statutory Rape laws, and reduce the legal age of consent from 18, to 2 months old. This didn't progress far though, as most Congressmen saw the age of 10 as being the proper age for sex. This troubled Ford and his sponsors, for quite some time, although he and his brothers-in-alms eventually got over it, privately finding solace in their Temples of Darkness where they were able to continue with their habitual soul-destruction even without legitimization in the public arena.
Apricot Legislation[edit | edit source]
On April 18th, 1975, Ford delivered a televised speech in which he declared his plans to increase the import tariff rates on apricots. The plan was initially well received, with some journalists such as Walter Cronkite hailing the aforementioned as "a significant breakthrough for American and global trade policy". However, only a matter of days after the legislation was passed, cracks began to appear in Ford's seemingly spotless plan. Outraged American shoppers were hastily met with notices stating that, 'due to substantially high import taxation, Apricots will no longer be available in store'. This consequentially set the nation's Apricot lovers into an unbridled frenzy, with one such unidentified Apricot fan stating that the policy proved Ford was "a spineless charlatan" who was "unfit for amateur high school football, let alone the presidency".
Inventions[edit | edit source]
Never one to rest on his laurels, in 1989 Ford invented the System of Bulimia.
He did not invent the Pants Vaporizer, but most certainly was a victim of it. One time there was a highly publicized incident in which his testicles were exposed and then inexplicably became caught on a barbed wire fence.
Musicals & Art[edit | edit source]
Gerald Ford was very perky when it came to musicals. He only ever went to Bohemian Grove if he could perform in drag with no less than 3 numbers and no more than 6. He didn't own any tights without serious tracks though and was usually seen without any at all. His favorite N.W.O (Nickers Worn Overtly) song was "One Less Bitch". He often told friends The Ramones (a New Wave/Easy Listening/Gangsta Grindcore band) were the best to dance to, being the beginning of the end for his Presidency as colleagues began to think he was seditious, as well as a bit too flirty with all the major players of the Hollywood game.
Ford's first act as President was to increase funds for the West Point Arts School, with the institution of the eminently successful Handpaint Your Stars & Stripes program for ambitious graduates in the Pentagon. His second was to act as Scrooge in a White House production - a musical of course - of A Christmas Carol. One of his major projects in this regard was the construction of the Betty in Ford Theatre, in which he was assassinated in 2006, by himself (by default).
Death[edit | edit source]
Ford was arrested in 1976 for threatening to assassinate himself during a heated debate with Jimmy Carter. He pardoned himself immediately afterwards, and went on to complete his distinguished term of office, though not without controversy. Ford called the entire incident a "grave misunderstanding."
Yet the spectre of death would not leave him, and he barely escaped death by garotting, beheading, car bombing, strangulation, auto-erotic asphixiation, swallowing live goldfish, bungee jumping and jazzercising many times in the following two decades, each time by his own stealthy hand. Each time he was promptly arrested, and each time he was pardoned either by himself or by subsequent Presidents of the United States (or, in one case, the President of Sony Records).
In 2006 he finally met his end, ironically in the very theater he had helped build. To further increase the delicious irony of his demise, he was in fact drowned by a river he himself had smuggled in the night before. Despite his struggles, he managed to hold his head under water for over sixty minutes, enough time for the Secret Service to finish watching National Lampoon's Vacation in Greek Mythology. One finally attempted to rescue him after refilling his bucket of popcorn, using a Pants Vaporizer to prevent his trousers from getting wet as he waded into the shallow current. Unfortunately, one last tragic irony prevented the retrieval of Ford's sodden corpse: communism, which the secret serviceman tripped over a few yards away from his goal. Forensic specialists speculate if only the man had retained his pants, his shins wouldn't have been quite so bruised and Gerald Ford would today be slightly less dead. As befits his status as the Satanic yet humerous president, the Gerald T. Ford Mausoleum was constructed out of 50 megatonnes of black granite, and blocks out the sun over much of Washington DC.
Since 2006 he has been seen wandering the streets as a zombie... (If you see him, thrust a spoon into his lower thigh)
In 2007, a man claiming to be Gerald Ford began a campaign to fight the zombie menace as penance for his failed presidency.
In 2008, Gerald Ford was revived by crynogenic scientists and currently lives in his winter home in Palm Springs, where "old people go to die". He was ecstatic to be reborn as an old man and quickly opened a creche for visitors of the elderly residents to leave their children in.... never to be seen again.
Notes[edit | edit source]
See Also[edit | edit source]
| Preceded by: Richard M. Nixon |
President of the United States 1974-1977 |
Succeeded by: Jimmy Carter |
