SEAT

Joder hermano, chúpame mi grande polla...

SEAT (Soplapollas-Estafa-Atraco-Timo; do not mix this up with the term "seat") is the name of the Spanish manufacturer of cars, but in all its lamentable years of existence, it hasn't made a single piece of really original component. Started under the Francoist dictatorship, the workshop of lies built its fame by virtue of industrial theft, shameless cloning, and a willingness to cut every possible corner. The"innovations" departing from SEAT’s assembly lines are only the butchered, downgraded, or straight-up stolen copy of some item that was genuinely engineered elsewhere.

Thus, SEAT really specializes in re-packaging old technology, pasting a flashy badge on it, and duping unsuspecting customers into believing they’re receiving something novel. Underneath the babble about "sportiness" and "Mediterranean passion" lies a business that would not recognize real engineering if a truck ran it over.

History

Origins

First car from SEAT

The factory started out as a public enterprise in 1950 to act out a myth of a national car-making industry for Spain during the years of post-war economic isolation. It lacked, however, the technical aptitude, imagination, or even the rudimentary know-how to construct a vehicle from scratch. For the first 40 years of existence, FIAT gave it a lift when it struck a deal with SEAT. "You will give us your cars, and we will put our badges on them; we will then pass them off as our very own inventions," said FIAT in the deal.

Nevermind

The result? SEAT engaged in an elaborate charade where the models, simply copies of FIAT ones, were introduced to the world as Spanish engineering, yet all the engineering designs were taken from Italy. That SEAT's logo, however, differed so minimally from FIAT's that one is in doubt whether they were too lazy to think up their own logo, or perhaps there's a far more complicated truth. The cars? Plain and simple-FIAT through and through to the very last bolt. The first to emerge from the fraud assembly lines at SEAT was the SEAT 1400, back in 1953. It was a pure FIAT 1400 in its guise of Spain, sold to Spaniards with a grand claim of a "national automobile industry." That automotive monster was billed as Spain's key gateway to modernity, while, in reality, it became an old relic reborn under the fascist regime of Italy.

Four years after 1400, the 600 was introduced. And yet again, it was an extremely FIAT-like vehicle that one could not really tell apart if one started swapping parts between them. It was sold to Spain as the people's car by which Franco meant it to be the "people's car" in a fashion just as much as the former regime had the "people's car" (KdF Wagen). Cheap and clunky, the car had all the refinement one could expect of a wartime supply shortage. Still, to many it represented Spain's struggling attempt to motorize itself—a Spanish car in name only but actually an Italian ripoff that was shoddier with its quality control.

Then the 1500 came from SEAT in 1963, which is as far removed from any absurdity as possible. Once more a luxury sedan that was in reality a copy-paste of the FIAT 1500, this time was pitched to government officials, military officers, and other loyalists to the regime in search of something grandiose yet equally uninspired.

60's to 80's

When the 1960s were rolling around the time, the company already had learned the art of the deception: continuously putting out just barely modified models from FIAT while assuring the world that Spain possessed its independent car manufacturing plant. Then, the firm became so adroit at "piracy" that the designers could not come up with much more than putting new headlights, redesigning the grille, and sticking on some plastic trimming to an Italian design so that it looked like a "modern car."

  

One of the most suspicious attempts was the 1430 (1969) by SEAT, an automobile that was, at its heart, little more than a FIAT 124 Special with headlights and interior from another FIAT: 125. While the government tried to market it as the Spanish sedan for the premium sector, what was really taking place was that the overnment had sold a FIAT, albeit one with minor cosmetic work, to gullible buyers who were made to believe that they were getting something new.  

Then, in 1968–1980, there was SEAT 124—pride and shame of the SEAT forgery. Basically, this was originally the FIAT 124 with different headlights; this one survived its Italian relatives until 1980. A succession of cosmetic tweaks, some increasingly desperate in nature, extended its production.  Somewhere down the road, SEAT decided to add on a plastic grille at the end of its life, probably thinking that that could have the desired effect of convincing buyers that this was something new. Spoiler alert: That did not work either.

SEAT 133 = Fiat 850 + Fiat 126 + Fiat 127.

By 1975, the SEAT 133 (1974–1982) was just that. The other cars had been simple copies of FIAT, while the SEAT was a sort of nightmare, with an ugly hybrid of the FIAT 850 and the Fiat 126. SEAT then decided to experiment with diesel power, halfheartedly, due to the high prices of fuel; this attempt was rather futile. Since Spain was called the automotive powerhouse, it was left lagging far behind when real manufacturers developed according to market demand. Real carmakers pushed frontiers with innovation, while SEAT was busy putting plastic grilles on the aged designs of FIAT and hoping nobody would notice.

By 1986, the SEAT "house of cards" was brought down by its own hands. The illusion of independence was gone. The Spanish government played pretend for several decades before turning the company over to Volkswagen. Then, SEAT became a low-budget subsidiary to put its recycling of outdated German designs into—after all, it had been doing something like that with outdated Italian ones for years. Under the wing of Volkswagen, it continued building FIAT-based models all through the 1990s, confirming that there was really never any originality in the company's genes.

90's to present

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

The SEAT, a company in Spain, started a big thing of stealing Volkswagen designs, twisting them in the direction of "sportiness," and selling them for way overpriced in the 1990s. And then? How did it happen with SEAT? For years, before it became Volkswagen's willing yet docile lapdog, it was a pathetic knockoff factory.

The Spanish carmaker SEAT never really developed anything from 1950 onwards; instead, it simply knocked off Fiats under license and sold them off as if they were the Spanish originals. But by the 1980s, the puppeteering was being done behind closed doors, by the Germans, which, given its great wisdom, saw fit to keep building on top of the Italian clone, as if they were never the boot camp that had raised them. The whole case for copyright infringement against them by Fiat was a complete disaster. Indeed, SEAT was creatively bankrupt that it couldn't even steal well without getting busted.

2021 SEAT León shows company's agressive styling.

The VW brand became fully acquainted with the embarrassing product in the 90s and started to begin to steal designs for Fiats. Not in the least in design terms has there been an expression of the entity called SEAT-all the works by Wolfsburg get mutilated. It started as a VW model, though when SEAT takes it in hand, the killing has already begun: it is now rougher and hostile.

The previous straight and easy lines are gone, to be replaced by sharp protrusions and distorted faces-the headlights become stretched-back features, resembling a man undergoing interrogation. It then adds aggressive vents and useless creases as if trying to vomit out passion to the world. It may try hard to look aggressive. Its concept is basically about violent aesthetics, so air intakes enlarge for no good reason, interiors get attacked with cheap red stitching, and the entire vehicle becomes soaked with fake sportiness. However, underneath that "racing-inspired" garbage are yet the same Volkswagen scrap-ups-just assembled with a little less consideration and sold with a high and mighty attitude. While SEAT does not create, but defiles. The sheer insult: it still behaves as though it is an independent and passionate Spanish brand, though, in fact, SEAT has never really existed except as a mere glorified bootlegger.

Logo

Cool.....

The history of SEAT’s logo is as shameful as the entire existence of this so-called "automaker." They have never created anything of their own, so it’s no surprise that their logo is nothing more than a series of thefts and desperate attempts at differentiation—each one only highlighting their irrelevance.

• 1953–1968: SEAT’s first logo was literally FIAT with different letters. The square shape, vertical lines, overall design? Identical. No unique identity, no attempt at originality—just a lazy copy of the Italian badge. They were nothing but a licensed assembly plant, incapable of even signing their own name without Fiat holding their hand.

Well, wings were cool...

• 1968–1982: At this point, SEAT took their parasitic relationship with Fiat even further. The new logo was such an obvious plagiarism of the Italian original that it wouldn’t pass a kindergarten art class. Red/Blue background, vertical stripes, the exact same visual identity—Fiat had every right to sue them, which they eventually did. SEAT earned not just the title of Europe’s least creative car brand but also a legal headache for intellectual property theft.

Well, at least inspired

• 1982–1999: After their messy divorce from Fiat, SEAT finally realized they couldn’t keep stealing Italian logos forever. So, in 1982, they unveiled a new stylized “S.” A bold step forward? Not really. The design was boxy, uninspired, and looked like something scraped off a scrap yard. But at least Fiat couldn’t sue them for it.
  In 1990, they tried to make it more "dynamic" by adding slashes to the letter. The result? Instead of sleek, the logo looked like someone had clumsily hacked it apart with an angle grinder. SEAT wanted to seem sporty, but as usual, it was just a different disguise for cars they were too cowardly to design themselves.

Not anymore

• 1999–present: At the turn of the millennium, SEAT started tweaking their logo to make it look more premium and sporty—because someone in management decided that if they couldn’t design original cars, at least they could pretend to be a brand with character.
  The logo gradually darkened, lost details, and became more aggressive. This wasn’t a coincidence—just like SEAT’s cars, which desperately try to pass as performance machines, the logo was designed to scream "sportiness." But in reality, it’s still just a Volkswagen for people who want to be different but can’t afford an Audi.

CUPRA

Dickhead

Cupra (Chúpame Una Polla Rata Asquerosa) was a sporty badge for SEAT, now a desperate attempt at a "premium" brand for people who think a sharp logo and fake engine sounds make them special. The name itself sounds like a medical term for a dickhead—fitting, considering the typical owner.

Why Buy One?

• You want people to think you drive something exclusive, even though it’s just a SEAT in a Halloween costume.
• Aggressive styling to compensate for whatever’s missing between your legs.
• Artificially enhanced engine noise because deep down, you know it’s not actually fast.
• You believe VW's marketing lies about "premium quality" despite the recycled plastic interior.

Why Avoid?

• For the same price, you could buy a real performance car instead of this overpriced poser-mobile (Eventough it's used).
• Software issues so bad you'll spend more time rebooting it than actually driving.
• Everyone who buys one thinks they’re in a Fast & Furious movie but drives like a moron in traffic.
• It’s just a Golf GTI that got lost on its way to a vape shop.

Reputation

Everyone in Europe knows SEAT drivers, but except in Europe, the brand never caught on. Seriously? That's a grace to the rest of the world. SEAT is just an inexpensive Volkswagen desperate to look sporty and menacing, but at its core, it's still a fancy bit of trash for poor morons who think sharp edges and slightly more power will make them masters of the highway.

SEAT started out as a plant producing licensed Fiats—so they were producing knock-offs of already crap cars and had some kind of ability to make them even more terrible. Along came Volkswagen and turned them into what they are today: a cheap, mass-produced joke for people who want a Golf but can't quite stretch to it. SEATs are aggressive-looking, tacky LED strips, and wannabe race-car designs, but inside, it's the same dull, uninspired crap as every other VW—just louder, cheaper, and driven by the worst drivers around.

Who drives a SEAT?

Driver vol. 1

Ego-tripping dickheads

Blacked-out windows, massive CUPRA logo, eBay LED strips, and delusional belief that every traffic light is the start of an F1 race. These dopes think their chipped 2.0 TDI qualifies them as race legends, but in reality, their car smokes like a dying coal plant and barely can keep up with a factory hatchback. Their entire persona is about floored acceleration through tunnels and bus stop revving to impress senior high school girls who don't even notice.

Diesel-chipping, smoke-spewing morons

Driver vol. 2

SEATs, specifically Leon and Ibiza, are the go-to of poor "tuners" who think that hacking the ECU to get an extra 30 horsepower makes them mechanical geniuses. What it actually does is make their car spew black clouds of death whenever they speed up, ensuring they'll need a new turbo before their next oil change. These blokes will swear on their life that their chipped diesel is "faster than an M3" and "pulls like a train," without any consideration for the fact that their brakes are knackered, their suspension is wrecked, and their gearbox is one stiff shift from going up in flames.

Driver vol. 2

Menacing soccer moms in Alhambras

If you see a SEAT Alhambra in your rearview mirror, start praying. These coffee-swilling, constantly annoyed mothers drive as if they have a police car on their bumper, suddenly crossing three lanes with no notice, while screaming at their hell spawn in the back seat. They treat stop signs as recommendations and pedestrian crossings as further decoration on the highway. When they're not taking up four spaces in the supermarket parking lot, they're either rear-ending someone because their thumbs were busy typing, or flipping their van into a ditch after taking the corner at twice the speed. Half of them would be best served in jail, and the other half should never have been given a license to begin with.

Driver vol. 4

Oblivious old men

A few stupid old grandpa got suckered into buying an Arona because he believed it was "sporty" and now he's driving down the fast lane at 35 mph with his turn signal on since yesterday. These individuals are completely unaware of what is transpiring around them—they cut off exits, switch lanes like they're navigating a goddamn boat, and slam on the brakes for absolutely no reason at all. If they ever end up on a rural road, there's a 50/50 chance that they'll just forget to turn and drive directly into a ditch, where their SEAT will be oxidized until some farmer finds their bones six months later.

Problems

So you bought a SEAT? Well done, you've officially gone wrong. Having a SEAT comes with its own special list of problems—some you'll know about immediately, others will creep up on you like a bad illness. The moment you sit in the driver's seat, the world thinks you're a crazy idiot. The moment your warranty expires, your wallet curls up into a ball and starts crying.

1. Everyone Thinks You're a Moron

Let's start with the simple: other motorists judge SEAT motorists. And rightly so. The marque attracts the worst kind of motorists—pretentious speedsters, middle-aged soccer mothers who have a death wish, and rubbish tuners who should be outlawed by law from messing around with anything on wheels. The instant you arrive in a Leon or an Ibiza, everybody already has an idea of what to expect: vile overtakes, blinding high beams, and whatever half-hearted attempt is made at being "sporty" with driving a glorified copy of a Volkswagen.

2. It's A Budget VW… That Isn't Actually Cheap

SEAT markets itself as a "budget alternative" to Volkswagen, but when you check the price tag, you end up not actually saving that much money. A high-end Leon is only slightly less expensive than a Golf, without the superior resale value, pricier interior trim, and the additional shame of driving something people confuse with a fucking Renault. And if you've purchased a Cupra? Congratulations, you've just paid Audi money for a badge that no one respects.

3. Depreciation Arrives Like a Train

The second you drive your SEAT away from the dealer, it depreciates faster than a crypto con. In five years, your "sporty, edgy" hatchback will be worth about the same as a tired old Ford Focus with a head gasket leak. Nobody needs a used SEAT unless they are a poor teenager looking for his first beater or some delusional tinkerer who thinks he can squeeze an additional 50 horses out of a diesel motor that is already running on life support.

4. Expensive Repairs for a "Budget" Car

Since SEAT shares most of its parts with Volkswagen, you’d think repairs would be cheap and easy. Wrong. While VW owners can find parts everywhere, SEATs have just enough unique components to make finding replacements a nightmare. Need a new turbo? Enjoy waiting weeks for overpriced parts. DSG gearbox shitting itself (because of course it did)? That’ll be thousands of euros. Even the smallest issues—like a faulty window switch—somehow cost double what they should.

5. "Sporty" But In Reality Slow as Fuck

SEAT loves to market its cars as performance-focused, but unless you bought a Cupra (and even then, barely), you're left with a sluggish, boring hatchback with faked engine sounds piped through the speakers. Even the so-called "hot" versions are poky in comparison to actual performance cars. And if you wanted a diesel thinking you'd get enough torque? Hurrah, now you have an ancient tractor that makes more noise than power.

6. The Notorious SEAT Build Quality

VW saves all of the quality materials for Audi and Skoda, leaving SEAT with what's left of cheap plastic and cost-cutting crap. The interior will be fine to begin with but let it sit for a few years, and the rattles will have your car sounding like a tin can filled with rocks. Buttons peel off, electronics develop a mind of their own, and don't even get me started on the seats—they'll degrade quicker than your tolerance for SEAT customer support.

7. SEAT Customer Service – A Black Hole of Uselessness

If you ever find yourself having to deal with SEAT customer service, be prepared for a new level of frustration. Whether waiting weeks for a simple part, sparring with a dealer on a warranty claim, or being told your clearly broken gearbox is "within normal operating conditions," SEAT service is an endless cycle of stupidity and denial. They'd prefer to tell you the problem doesn't exist than to fix it.

8. The SEAT Owner Lifestyle – Constantly Rationalizing Your Buy

There is always defending your purchase in front of those asking you, "Why did you not purchase a Volkswagen instead?" You're going to have a variety of justifications—"'It is more fun to drive," "It looks good," "It was a great price"—and yet deep inside you know it wasn't all about any of that. You might've been able to do better. Rather, you bought a car that is overpriced, loses value like a rock, and makes people believe that you drive like an asshole. And let's be honest—you probably do.

Models (current)

Model	Variants	Boredom Level	Who Buys This?	Image
SEAT Ibiza	1.0 MPI, 1.0 TSI, 1.5 TSI	High	Teenagers who think 95 horsepower is "fast" and broke students who needed a Polo but settled for this.
SEAT Arona	1.0 TSI, 1.5 TSI	Extreme	People who wanted a crossover but had a budget for a shopping cart. Usually seen in beige.
SEAT Leon	1.0 TSI, 1.5 TSI, 2.0 TSI, 2.0 TDI	Moderate	Wannabe race car drivers who can’t afford a Golf GTI but still want to tailgate everyone.
SEAT Leon Sportstourer	Same as Leon, just uglier	High	Dads who wanted an Audi Avant but also wanted to save €5,000.
SEAT Ateca	1.0 TSI, 1.5 TSI, 2.0 TSI, 2.0 TDI	Mild	People who wanted a Tiguan but also wanted to convince themselves they’re "sporty."
SEAT Tarraco	1.5 TSI, 2.0 TSI, 2.0 TDI, PHEV	Extreme	People who wanted a Skoda Kodiaq but made a worse decision. Usually seen blocking two parking spaces.

SEAT Exeo - Only worthy SEAT?

Exeo - Only SEAT which is cool.

SEAT Exeo is the one SEAT that doesn’t scream "I’m a complete asshole". Why? Because it isn’t a real SEAT. It’s a stolen Audi A4 (B7), stripped of its best features and sold to people who wanted German engineering but didn’t want to look like yet another Golf-driving sheep. It's the only SEAT that doesn't turn you into a compensating prick, a mad soccer mom, or a thick pensioner about to plough into a ditch.

IT'S AN AUDI IN DISGUISE

Not an affordable, skimpier Golf such as a Leon. The Exeo itself is an Audi A4 (B7) with a SEAT badge stuck to the bonnet. Same chassis, same engines (all but one, anyway), and even the same trim as the previous A4. Apart from costing loads cheaper, so that you could experience Audi quality without having to perch at the "VIP" table of a vapeshop pondering your remapped diesel.

IT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE A PLASTIC TOY

Normal SEATs look like they were built from scraps from a kid's play yard. The Exeo? Rock solid. You drive it, and for once, you don't feel like you're in the cheapo version of something better. It really had quality materials, a pleasant interior, and a drive that didn't make you want to kill yourself.

ENGINES THAT DON'T SUCK

Unlike SEATs today, where the choice is a 1.0 TSI hamster wheel or a flauntingly expensive Cupra that just beats a Skoda Octavia vRS, the Exeo actually had usable engines.

• 1.8 TSI & 2.0 TSI – Proper power, no rubbish.
• 2.0 TDI – Okay, yeah, it is a diesel, but at least it's a heavy-duty, torquey one rather than the deathtraps SEAT normally shits out.

No weeny three-bangers, no make-believe starting up, no "eco"-twaddle—simple, honest engines that worked.

IT'S FOR THOSE WHO ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT THEY'RE BUYING

Buying an SEAT in standard trim means you could not care less about cars or are trying much too hard to be a race driver in a vehicle that is never going to be fast. Buying an Exeo? That shows you are serious. It's for the sort of person who wants quality, not image—the opposite of the idiots who buy a Cupra Formentor thinking they're driving a Lamborghini.

WHY IT'S STILL KIND OF A SCAM

• Of course, SEAT wouldn't let you have something good. They took the A4 and eliminated the fun parts:
• NO AWD (quattro was dropped) – So no chance at having a good all-weather behemoth. You're stuck with front-wheel drive like commoners.
• NO V6 OR V8 – If you wanted something with some more punch, bad luck. Audi kept all the cool toys to themselves.
• IT WAS OLD ON DAY ONE – They began selling it in 2008, but the A4 (B7) had already been superseded by the B8. Translation: You were paying for a car that was already outdated the instant it reached the showroom.

WHO SHOULD BUY AN EXEO TODAY?

• PEOPLE WHO WANT AN AUDI BUT HATE AUDI DRIVERS – You have the engineering, the build quality, and the reliability without being a douchebag.
• SMART BARGAIN BERRY PICKERS – It's rare, but if you do come across one? It's a bargain. A used Exeo will outlast most new SEATs, won't cost an arm and a leg to fix, and won't make you want to kill yourself when something does go wrong.
• ANYONE WHO WANTS A GERMAN CAR THAT DOESN'T IMMEDIATELY MAKE YOU HATED – Unlike BMWs (driven by tailgating sociopaths) or Mercedes (driven by geriatric men and gangsters), the Exeo is an actual sedan that doesn't immediately scream "I'm a dickhead."

See also

• Spain
• FIAT
• Volkswagen

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