HowTo:Fix Your Motorcycle
It's a bright sunny, Sunday afternoon. The birds are singing, the kids next door are noisier than usual and there's an unmistakable sound following the wind. It's the sound of an inline 4 cyclinder engine being revved to 16,000 RPM in a residential area. Yep, the Valentino Rossi wannabees are out in force today and you want to be one of them. You rush inside in a mad frenzy, don your DOT approved protective soft cotton T-shirt, high visibility tan cargo shorts, your kevlar reinforced riding sandals, your son's bicycle helmet and finally your Oakley tactical shades. You're ready, fully protected and there are bitches out there waiting to be pulled. You run through the house to the garage, straddle your 1300cc Turbo Busa, turn the key, wait for the fuel pump to prime and...click
It Doesn't Start
Shit what are you going to do now? There are bitches out there, hot bitches, and they're all waiting for you to show up and do some fully hektic burnouts in McDonalds car park. Firstly do some basic checks; is the sidestand down? No, okay then what about the killswitch? Is it set to run? BEEEP No that's the horn, the killswitch is the red one on the other side. Okay then well if that's fine too then it's time for the next step: You've got to be a proper man for once and do some wrenching, it's okay bitches love wrenching. Now get the following tools:
1. A metallic helical extractor
2. A rotorised industrial hexagon removal tool
4. A high tension force multiplying pole
6. Gaffa tape and lots of tie-wraps
Now that you've obtained these very common tools we can begin to diagnose the problem. Let's begin.
The First Steps
The first step in working out any mechanical problem is to assume the worst possible thing has happened. Working by this theory we can assume that you put beer into your sump instead of oil, the engine has siezed and we need to rebuild it. Don't worry it's not that hard; I'll talk you through each step and you'll be fondling blonde haired bimbos in no time. To start you're going to have to remove the gaudy, pearlescant, flame emblazened plastic that you call a fairing. Take this off and we then have access to the important bits underneath. Try to use the correct tool for the job as using the manual wholloping device may result in some slight damage.
Now For The Important Bits
Next you're going to remove the seat and fuel tank. The seat should come right off but you need to be careful with the fuel tank as it contains a highly flammable liquid. At this point you should put out that joint you are smoking and probably lay off the beer for 10 minutes too. Disconnect the correct fuel line, unbolt the tank and it'll lift right off. If you disconnect the wrong line and petrol begins to pour out of it simply panic, run away and come back in an hour when it's drained all over the garage floor.
Okay so we're making progress. Try to ignore the light headedness caused by the petrol fumes and the drugs and focus. We now have access to the important parts. Unbolt the coolant drain plug from the bottom of the bike and empty it into a proper recepticle. The garage floor will also do in a pinch. Keep this liquid away from pets, children and probably yourself as it may taste sweet but it has a deadly secret; it's toxic and it'll fucking kill you. When all that has drained off you can take off the rocker cover to gain access to the head bolts. Bear in mind you should be keeping a near sterile workspace at all times and dropping ash, small change, screws and even your infant son 'Brock' into the exposed engine workings is extremely frowned upon.
Okay so we've taken off the rocker cover and cylinder head so what's next? Basically keep undoing bolts until you can pull the block off and expose the shafts topped by cylindrical pistons. Take a look inside the cylinders; they should be as smooth as Brock's bottom. If they're scored and scratched then you should probably stop bouncing the bike off it's limiter without checking the oil first. Check everything over for obvious damage, replace parts as necessary and then replace the piston rings for good measure. Bear in mind that rubber bands are not a substitute for proper rings.
Now everything is in order we can put it back together. Simply reverse these instructions and tighten all the nuts and bolts to the specifications detailed in the workshop service guide. If you don't have a service guide or you lost it, forgot it or ate it, then simply guess. It'll be fine. What could possibly go wrong? Once you have replaced all the required components it's time to test the bike. Turn on the ignition, wait for the fuel pump to prime then press t..BEEEP..he ignition button, not the horn.
Still not working? Shit, it was probably just the battery wasn't it? Okay then let's replace that. Head on down to the local store and go pick up a battery, the correct battery mind you as I doubt 9 volt cells will really cut it for this. Once you have obtained the suitable battery you simply need to remove the old one and replace it with the new one, taking special care not to bridge the teminals or to allow the positive clamp to touch the fra...Dammit, can't you listen for 5 seconds?
Oh You've Buggered it now Haven't you?
Unfortunately the resulting discharge means that you've probably just fried everything electrical you had on the bike, even your cool blue neon underglow and fake turbo gauge. I'm sorry to tell you this but I don't think you're going to be able to take the bike out to see the bitches today. How about taking the lifted truck or the Mustang instead? I'm sure bitches love loud diesel trucks and Mustangs with flame decals too...