Top Gear

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They do nothing but sit around all day chatting and driving fast cars. Bastards.

“Mildly moist”

~ The Stig on Carol Vorderman's state of sexual arousal after training for a hot lap

Top Gear used to be a motoring programme on BBC Two, but is now just an excuse for Jeremy Clarkson to sit around mouthing off about whatever he fancies. It was established in 1892, and reviewed horses and carriages, with the original presenting line-up including Oscar Wilde, Sir Edward William Elgar, a man with a marvellous moustache and James May.

After Jeremy Clarkson joined the team in the late 1970s, the show took a brief diversion into reviewing cars before everyone realised that all that was a bit boring. Having realised that having his own talk show without any cars whatsoever was also rather dull. Clarkson fired the man with the marvellous moustache, because he was past his used by date, and hired Richard Hammond to provide background comedic relief to his rants and dusted off James May just in-case there was any actual reviewing of cars to be done.

Format

The format we see today was devised by the director general of the BBC, who'd seen Last of The Summer Wine "once too often". He phased out the low-budget consumers' guide in favour of a high-budget outlet for middle aged, slightly portly presenters' desire to break expensive cars, say the word "raw", jet around the world doing expensive and pointless challenges, and to power slide around an airstrip yelling "power". Consequently, viewing figures rocketed from two goats in 1989 to over five million sheep in 2007.

Also, caravans are murdered 'put out of their misery'. He is stupid. This is the only form of televised homicide allowed in the United Kingdom, thanks to a special dispensation from the Queen. Recent features include loses races against people who don't have cars, destroying rural England with tractors, destroying the Top Gear car park with tractors, ploughing fields at 400mph with the head of midget Richard Hammond whilst strapped to an upside-down jet tractor, wooing Kristin Scott-Thomas (and the guy from Pop Idol) with pictures of tractors painted fluffy pink, and the worst driver contest, which was won by Chinaman Chong who managed to plough the Great Wall test car into the same caravan an astounding 69 times around the Top Gear car park while carrying out a parking manoeuvre.

Star Has-been in a Crappy car

Insignificant celebrities are invited to wear an unflattering helmet that, subsequently, squishes their face so as to induce anonymity, and endure Jeremy Clarkson misspelling, mispronouncing, or forgetting their names. They are then told to do a lap of the Top Gear carpark in a random crappy car. The car can range from a Morris Marina, to a Chevrolet Caprice Diesel, and any other crappy car in between.

Boffins

The show also features on occasion some supposed "boffins", from some UK rocket cult that like strapping long cylinders filled with shredded old tyres to various types of cars and lighting them, hoping it doesn't explode in their face. They do this while using fake technical jargon and the insides of an old TV as switches and wiring making the show a bit like Blue Peter but without the cocaine fueled presenters.

Presenters

See also: HowTo: Become a Top Gear Presenter

Jeremy "Powwweerrr!" Clarkson

I have da power, you wankers!

6'6" tall, oafish, fat, and going through a mid-life crisis for the fifth time, Jeremy Clarkson's act consists of walking on-stage, saying "POWWWERRRR!", then walking off. Oh, and some occasional driving. He has a fetish for cars and was once caught humping a Ferrari in the exhaust. He though claims that this was in fact the Cookie Monster and not him, though most people disagree with him. Police closed the case and Clarkson got away with rape. He has conducted extra-marital affairs with surprisingly short young women, including Geri Halliwell, Ellen MacArthur and Princess Margaret, who have written couplets, poems and occasional hosannahs about his rapturous beauty. Jeremy's distinctive hair has a fan club (founded in 1987), with members such as Tom Jones, Yoda, and the Brillo Pad Corporation. Scientists recently analysed his quaff of hair, and resoundingly determined the composition of his hair is identical to pubic hair, thus explaining the similarities between what comes out of his mouth and what comes out of his arse. Clarkson is every teenager's hero, due to his massive ego, ability to pull women, and two equally-working genitals.

Jeremy Clarkson is also scientifically proven to be extremely dangerous in person, although this debate between scientists has been raging on for years. The research, which concluded with this finding, was commissioned after black Stig died, when he took off his helmet and saw Clarkson's face. This would normally be a problem for the other co-hosts of Top Gear, but fortunately Hamster and the unimportant guy are both fierce perverts, and so maintain massive erections when they are around Clarkson.

Jeremy writes about his penis a column in the The Sun about cars he has driven, and what generally pisses him off (Americans, foreigners, Americans, the British government, Americans, Al Gore, Americans, et al), writes a column in Top Gear magazine about cars he has driven and what generally pisses him off (Americans, foreigners, et al), and presents a TV show about cars he has driven, and what generally pisses him off (Americans, foreigners, et al). He receives three separate salaries for this, and if his employers ever find out, they are going to be quite vexed. Jeremy is often quite mocking about homosexualists, which for a man called "Jeremy" is rather suspicious. Jeremy gets his fashion tips from Tesco Magazine, then throws away his fashion tips (ouch!), steals crotch-hugging jeans off homeless men and wears them. On the show. Good grief... It has also been rumoured that in Rural Suffolk George Scott Murdered Jeremy with the aid of Oscar Wilde......

Jeremy was born on Clarkson Island where he was brought up by farmers. He now laughs at his unsuccessful siblings who were rejected for the BBC2 show, and have had to resort to working on Dave.

On three occasions, Clarkson was banned from entry into the United States. This didn't bother him in the slightest, he just pissed onto it from the other side of the Canadian border.

Richard "Hamster" Hammond

The Hamster (not shown correctly due to limitations of the minimum height of the camera tripod used).

Richard (also known as the 'Midge' or 'Angry Inch') stands at a short, weak 2'1" tall, and worked as a lookalike of the cat in Shrek 2 before joining Top Gear. Contrary to popular belief, he does not whiten his teeth, he is just the one presenter out of the three who brushes. He isn't even a real hamster. He is well known for his entirely normal interest in dogs, as well as his puppy eyes, which he keeps in the fridge. He is a judge at 'Crufts', and awards points for glossy coats, moist noses and pert bottoms, and that's why he was backstage with the three black marker pens and the crate of baby-oil yelling "I am the God of All Dogs", your Honour. He also had a very brief afternoon show which was bombed badly due to his ultra bright teeth, him offending every major religion (except Christianity because the Pope and him go bowling together and that would be awkward), and because he can't talk about anything other than cars and dogs.

In July 2006, Hammond married James May in a secret ceremony. May was too drunk at the time to remember it, he now claims. In an episode of Top Gear in 2007, Jeremy Clarkson stated that the marriage had indeed been consummated. May does not remember that either, much to his chagrin. Eitherway the two now want a divorce, but the divorce is being decliend by the higher court because they find them such a good couple.

James "Captain Slow" May

James May

James is a former campaigner against balding traffic cops, and rarely exceeds the speed of 10 mph, hence his nickname 'Captain Slow'. He is of standard human height, although not of standard human parentage, being born of mostly spaniel. He has a lot of pictures of the Queen in his house and has refused to donate any of his hair to Jeremy Clarkson. James thinks running is a left-wing activity practised by the sort of people he wouldn't want to talk to, but people from whom he would accept free beer. James' chemical make-up is approximately 37% pie - 63% real ale. And he doesn't trust the French or Welsh. Known as 'The Most Likeable One Cos The Other Two Are Twats'. He is a bipolar car lover because he goes from loving a crappy slow soccer mom van made by the Italians, to a $120,000,000,000,000 crappy British luxury car, although the the prices vary the performance does not, slow and like driving a building with wheels.

The Stig

The Stig

Some say he has a digital face, and if he wanted to, he could fire Alan Sugar and tell Mr T he is not “ain’t not getting on no plane, fool” Some also say that he has life-sized tattoo of his face on his face. Others say that he knows two facts about ducks, and that they are both wrong. Everybody else knows his real identity as the disgraced racing driver and part time footballist Kevin “come on then” Keegan and so therefore is the most interesting presenter (apart from the dog, of course). However some blithering idiots (who shall remain anonymous for legal reasons, and because we don't know who they are) have put forward the following (untrue) identities of the Stig (all except for the Peter Cotterill one).

In reality, all band members of ABBA are really, really the real Stig. He's a former F1 driver, although obviously not a famous former F1 driver. People said it was some guy called Perry McCarthy and another one called Ben Collins. Oh, and apparently another dude named Michael Schumacher was also apparently thrown around. But then it was said it was some guy from Blackpool, who worked as a mechanic on the Big Dipper.

There was a time when it was generally believed that Michael Shumaker was the Stig but this was quickly disproved by the leaking of a certain advert with Shumaker driving a small car with men singing opera in the back and mud all over the windscreen. If Shumaker really was the Stig then this wouldn't have hampered his driving ability at all, but as you can clearly see his driving was crap.

So there we have it. Nigel Mansell is the Stig, and not eleven other people who it kind of might be. In an online video about Top Gear, the Stig can be heard speaking (although in a dead South Americam language), and apparently in one episode he took off his glove and he was black, thus Boris Becker is the Stig.

Top Gear Dog

The dog is Hammond's Cockerschnauzer, which is half "Cocker" and half "schnauzer". Not half "cock" and half "erschnauzer", which would be entirely different. The dog sleeps most of the time during the show, thus making her the most interesting and proactive members of the cast. She is always being pulled and pushed around in a special way by cruel Hammond. There are three problems with her WOW! (the dog, not the incredibly butch Hammond):

1. They don't know what to do with the dog. Except for Hammond. Who has several ideas.
2. She is completely terrified of cars. Which is unfortunate.
3. She is not very fond of James May. Which is very fortunate.

To Kill A Stiggybird

The original 'black' Stig was replaced with a white version, many believe that this was due (not Jew) to Jeremy Clarkson's random outbursts of racism towards the black Stig. This belief was further enhanced when Top Gear sabotaged Black Stig's car on an aircraft carrier which he inevitably drove off and in the process was killed. Clarkson, Hammond and May were arrested and tried in court. Unfortunately for black Stig's family the case was dealt with in the Southern U.S state of South Carolina where the aircraft carrier was positioned off the coast of the overtly anti-black state. The case was described in the world's media as "The Trial Of The Century". All three accused provided statements during their turn at the witness stand, the most extraordinary coming from Clarkson. When asked by the prosecution about his stance on black Stigs, Clarkson incredibly responded "Black Stigs are what keep me REVvving throughout life. The efficiency, the swiftness and sheer speed of his work when I ordered him to mend my Ford GT was truly exceptional! For that I raised his income by 30p, a full 50% more than he used to earn". When asked whether he used the black Stig for slave purposes, Clarkson replied "Absolutely not! I haven't promoted him to slave status yet, and on that bombshell it's time to end. Thanks very much for watching, good night!" much to the distaste of the judge who told him to shut up, and his two co-accused, with James May mumbling 'such an insufferable oaf' with his head in his hands. With the evidence already stacked against them, the verdict was expected to be one of a punishing nature. However it was anything but. The judge advised the jury to find them not guilty in the light that it was obvious that this was a case of driver error and inexperience from the black Stig. In an incredible turn of events the trio were found not guilty much to the horror and disgust of the dead Stig's family and many sections of the media. Clarkson, Hammond and May emerged from the court room with fists pumping and Hammond proclaiming "Victory is ours!". Fortunately, Clarkson was then mugged by Justin Bieber. The trial was documented in a Top Gear special.

See also

• HowTo: Become a Top Gear Presenter
• The Stig
• Jeremy Clarkson
• James May
• Richard Hammond
• BBC

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