A pair of rose-tinted spectacles must be worn to read articles in the Daily Mail, in order to best understand how great everything was in the 1950s before the Islamic Conquest and the introduction of drugs, fat women, asylum seekers, paedophiles, Jonathan Ross, Russell Brand, the homeless, Brown people and the invention of sex made daily life intolerable for the conservative middle-class Chelsea tractor driving mums and retired army colonels that inhabit these sceptred isles.
Nowadays the paper campaigns against abortion of heterosexual foetuses, while also maintaining the entirely logical and consistent position of demanding the withdrawal of welfare payments to fallen women to support their unwanted bastards.
Recent additions to the Mail line-up include the side-splitting shenanigans of London renaissance man Richard Littlejohn, with his world-famous witticisms, including British women married to Iraqis "should be left to rot in their adopted country, with their hideous husbands and their unattractive terrorist children" and "Does anyone really give a monkey's about what happens in Rwanda? If the Mbongo tribe wants to wipe out the Mbingo tribe and eat their brains then as far as I am concerned that is entirely a matter for them."
It is worth noting that any Daily Mail headline phrased as a question - such as, 'Did Dragons Once Roam This Sceptred Isle?', 'Are we ruled by a Gay Mafia?' or 'Does coffee give you cancer?' - can be answered with the word 'No'.
- 1934 – HURRAH FOR THE BLACKSHIRTS (see right)
- 1939 – NO WAIT SORRY
- 1945 – COMMUNIST ATLEE INTRODUCES 'NHS'
- 1957 – AMERICAN 'ROCKING' MUSIC THREAT TO BRITISH FERAL YOUTH
- 1967 – FOUR THOUSAND HOS IN BLACKBURN, LANCASHIRE 
- 1971 – DIRTY TRAITOR HEATH JOINS EUROPEAN COMMUNITY!
- 1974 – FURY AS WILSON ALLOWS GAYS AND ABORTIONS!
- 1982 – ARGENTINE USURPERS CRUSHED UNDER THATCHER'S MAGNIFICENT FIST
- 1985 – BOLSHEVIK MINERS CRUSHED UNDER THATCHER'S MAGNIFICENT FIST
- 1995 – CHARLES AND DIANA TO DIVORCE
- 1996 – DIANA GALAVANTING AROUND WITH FAYED
- 1997 – QUEEN OF OUR HEARTS
- 2002 – BRITAIN POISED TO FALL TO MUSLIM HORDE ANY DAY NOW. MORE TOMORROW.
A certain variety of stories can be reproduced at any time on a slow news day. The Mail created this website to assist its journalists in creating headlines.
Thereafter, it is a question of fitting the selected groups into a tightly-worded opening paragraph:
|"A horde of Inner-city gang members terrorised a quiet community of law-abiding, white, middle-class protestants - and liberal feminist thinktanks want to give them videogames."||"Asylum-seeker homosexuals fleeing war-torn countries full of JIHADI extremists are to be given council houses in the same city as HARRODS, - and British tax-payers are set to foot the bill."||"In a week when a Romanian GYPSY was left to die in the gutter of Broken Britain - we ask the question: WHY aren't we limiting immigration numbers?||"The latest studies show a direct link between the use of the teenager craze drug skunk-cannabis and Hoodie Knife crime. Think of the house prices! OH GOD, WON'T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE HOUSE PRICES?!!"|
Fear of death
In the middle pages of the newspaper, the reader will general find a report on a health fad or some medical feel-good/scare stories which, under close scrutiny, appear to have been extracted from a freelancer's backside.
The regular contradictions between one health story with another do not undermine the impact of the news on readers' minds.
Rather, they help to create a sense of the inherent complexity of life, and a justification for an underlying rumbling of fear.
As we all know, the scariest thing in life is cancer, and the Mail provides a comprehensive list of things which cause cancer, prevent it, or both.
Of a similarly clinical and scientific nature to their cancer coverage, the Daily Mail heavily features horoscopes by Jonathan Cainer.
Cainer, real name Cecil Whittington-Myers VI, began his column in 1976 and took on his nom de plume after being named in the Mail's rival newspaper, The Sun, as Caner of the Year.
Despite many readers of the Mail regarding astrology as inherently un-Church-of-England-like, and the Mail's sister paper, the Mail on Sunday, running several stories that linked horoscopes with the then terrifying new teenage craze of punk rock, the column survives to this day.
While this may initially seem at odds with the Mail's ostensibly Christian leanings, many have noted that half-believing in a greater power, cherry-picking the bits you like of what you read, and essentially not changing what you believe or how you behave can apply to both astrology and British Christianity.
The Mail retains the right omit to run stories in one edition (say, the Irish) while trampling on the recently dead body of one of that country's favourite sons in its UK edition.
There are some at the Mail, however, who would seek to do away with this policy on the basis that Ireland should still be part of the UK and that 1922 never happened.
There also exists the Overseas Daily Mail and the Continental Daily Meal for readers in Europe and Northern Africa. The newspapers were launched at the beginning of the 20th century as the news source of choice for colonialists. Since the fall of the British empire, it continues to be so. In the former empire's greatest outpost, India, the Mail Today was launched in 2007. It is thought to be the only version of the Mail written by smelly Pakis.
Given their hatred of all things European visitors to several continental capital cities are often surprised to find the Daily Mail among the UK titles on sale at newsstands there. Particularly in Berlin where it is generally assumed the local market for such things had dried up in 1945.
The future: American women
More than any other newspaper, the Daily Mail has openly courted female readers with its ingeniously-named FeMail supplement, and a heavy celebrity content in both its printed edition and on its website. The latter, with its shininess, has attracted so many female readers that the Mail now claims to be the most popular news site in the world.
Like many showbiz rags, the Mail often walks the line between eye-catching gossip and malicious intrusion. Thankfully, it avoids the charges of bad taste about sexualised articles on teenaged celebrities, by using the phrase 'all grown up' to let readers know that they are now allowed to get a stiffy over the 14-19-year-old in question.
Only time will tell whether the changing demographic from British middle class readers to American middle class readers will force the Mail to change its customary targets from gays and asylum seekers to gays and Mexicans.
|barmy British stuff|