A pair of rose-tinted spectacles must be worn to read articles in the Daily Mail, in order to best understand how great everything was in the 1950s before the Islamic Conquest and the introduction of drugs, fat women, asylum seekers, paedophiles, Jonathan Ross, Russell Brand, the homeless, Brown people and the invention of sex made daily life intolerable for the conservative middle-class Chelsea tractor driving mums and retired army colonels that inhabit these sceptred isles.
Nowadays the paper campaigns against abortion of heterosexual foetuses, while also maintaining the entirely logical and consistent position of demanding the withdrawal of welfare payments to fallen women to support their unwanted bastards.
Recent additions to the Mail line-up include the side-splitting shenanigans of London renaissance man Richard Littlejohn, with his world-famous witticisms, including "British women married to Iraqis should be left to rot in their adopted country, with their hideous husbands and their unattractive terrorist children" and "Does anyone really give a monkey's about what happens in Rwanda? If the Mbongo tribe wants to wipe out the Mbingo tribe and eat their brains then as far as I am concerned that is entirely a matter for them."
It is worth noting that any Daily Mail headline phrased as a question - such as, 'Did Dragons Once Roam This Sceptred Isle?', 'Are we ruled by a Gay Mafia?' or 'Does coffee give you cancer?' - can be answered with the word 'No'.
- 1934 – HURRAH FOR THE BLACKSHIRTS 
- 1939 – NO WAIT SORRY
- 1945 – COMMUNIST ATLEE INTRODUCES 'NHS'
- 1957 – AMERICAN 'ROCKING' MUSIC THREAT TO BRITISH FERAL YOUTH
- 1967 – FOUR THOUSAND HOS IN BLACKBURN, LANCASHIRE 
- 1971 – DIRTY TRAITOR HEATH JOINS EUROPEAN COMMUNITY!
- 1974 – FURY AS WILSON ALLOWS GAYS AND ABORTIONS!
- 1982 – ARGENTINE USURPERS CRUSHED UNDER THATCHER'S MAGNIFICENT FIST
- 1985 – BOLSHEVIK MINERS CRUSHED UNDER THATCHER'S MAGNIFICENT FIST
- 1993 – GAY FOETUS ABORTION HOPE 
- 2002 – BRITAIN POISED TO FALL TO MUSLIM HORDE ANY DAY NOW. MORE TOMORROW.
A certain variety of stories can be reproduced at any time on a slow news day. The following link is used by the Daily Mail's journalists to provide inspiration for headlines:
Thereafter, it is a question of fitting the selected groups into a tightly-worded opening paragraph:
- "An asylum-seeking, DEGENERATE, liberal, feminist, Muslim, satanic heavy metal-worshipping paedophile has been arrested after terrorising a quiet community of law-abiding, white, middle-class protestants today. Just like YOURS!"
- "Asylum-seeker homosexuals SWIM up the River Thames to London and infiltrate Harrods, sending house prices crashing."
- "This homosexual, French, GYPSY, poor person was observed acting in a completely YOBBISH style by starving in the gutter and coughing up blood in a most UNCIVILISED manner while praying to CULT-leader Xenu. This all illustrates the continued DECLINE of Broken Britain under the corrupt, "politically correct" Nanny State. The British value system has fallen apart. Kick them out! Kick them all out!!"
- "Scientific studies have proved that there is a direct link between homicidal tendencies and use of the teenager craze drug skunk-cannabis, video games, and Emo music. Think of the house prices! OH GOD, WON'T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE HOUSE PRICES?!!"
Fear of death
In the middle pages of the newspaper, the reader will general find a report on a health fad or some medical feelgood/scare stories which, under close scrutiny, appear to have been extracted from a freelancer's backside. The regular contradictions between one health story with another - see below - do not undermine the impact of the news on readers' minds. Rather, they help to create a sense of the inherent complexity of life, and a justification for an underlying rumbling of fear. Cancer:
Things which stop cancer
Cloudy apple juice, tea, spicy food, a Mediterranean diet, broccoli, cauliflower, cabbage, E-coli, apples, peanuts, soya, your blood cells, evening primrose oil, the "energy" from crystals, red wine, breast milk (provided it's never consumed in public), white bread (see below), a fibre-rich diet, measles, watercress, coffee, eating at least 19 portions of vegetables a day, chocolate, kicking immigrants out of our sanctuary of Aryanism and reading the Daily Mail, voting for Conservatives or UKIP.
Things which cause cancer
Cloudy apple juice, tea, spicy food, answering machines, being tall at 14, oral sex, swine flu, Tamiflu, being fat, being thin, cooking oil, immigrants, IVF, being female, salt, vaccines (particularly MMR or Swine Flu), being male, ethnic minorities, fizzy drinks, (but not wine), being poor (which of course is a good thing), being sexually active before 28, crisps, chips, teachers strikes, the poor, biscuits, cancer, breakfast cereals, remaining sexually active beyond the age of 41, baby food, drugs, asylum seekers, euthanasia, The European Union, Prince Philip, Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross, having children before 26, not having children before 27, WiFi (whatever that is), voting Labour, white bread (see above), water (except when it's expensive and from a plastic bottle), Energy saving light bulbs, plastic, "chemicals", Mobile phone masts situated near schools (Masts elsewhere are fine, as are the phones themselves) breast milk (when consumed in public), the nanny state, the labour party, eating food, driving when you're under 24, wheelie bins (the risk increases the less often they're emptied), unemployed people, Facebook and of course immigrants.
With blatant disregard to the Witchcraft Act (which was still technically in force at the time), the Daily Mail was the first newspaper in Britain to publish Horoscopes. Disgracefully nobody was ever prosecuted for this much less burned at the stake.
Today Astrology is the biggest religion in the UK with over a fifth of the population adherents. While this may initially seem at odds with the newspaper's ostensibly Christian leanings, it has the advantage of facilitating the public's belief about the authenticity of the Protocols of the Elders of Zion and a conspiracy between Jews and Freemasons to control the international banking system.
The Mail retains the right omit to run stories in one edition (say, the Irish) while trampling on the recently dead body of one of that country's favourite sons in its UK edition. There are some at the Mail, however, who would seek to do away with this policy on the basis that Ireland should still be part of the UK and that 1922 never happened.
There also exists the Overseas Daily Mail and the Continental Daily Meal for readers in Europe and Northern Africa. The newspapers were launched at the beginning of the 20th century as the news source of choice for colonialists. Since the fall of the British empire, it continues to be so. In the former empire's greatest outpost, India, the Mail Today was launched in 2007. It is thought to be the only version of the Mail written by smelly Pakis.
Given their hatred of all things European visitors to several continental capital cities are often surprised to find the Daily Mail among the UK titles on sale at newsstands there. Particularly in Berlin where its generally assumed the local market for such things had dried up in 1945.
The future: American women
More than any other newspaper, the Daily Mail has openly courted female readers with its ingeniously-named FeMail supplement, and a heavy celebrity content in both its printed edition and on its website. The latter, with its shininess, has attracted so many female readers that the Mail now claims to be the most popular news site in the world.
Like many showbiz rags, the Mail often walks the line between eye-catching gossip and malicious intrusion. Thankfully, it avoids the charges of bad taste about sexualised articles on teenaged celebrities, by using the phrase 'all grown up' to let readers know that they are now allowed to get a stiffie over the 14-19 year old in question.
Only time will tell whether the changing demographic from British middle class readers to American middle class readers will force the Mail to change its customary targets from gays and asylum seekers to gays and Mexicans.
- A great inspiration for A Day in the Life by the Beatles.
- Called 'Get the fuck out of our beautiful country you disease-ridden money-wrangling child-molesting homeless immigrant bastards'
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