Jimmy Savile
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“Now then, now then.”
“Ua-ua-ua-ua-ua-ua-ua! Now then, now then! How's about that then?”
“The band was sha-wady-wady.”
Sir James Wilson Vincent Gold Savile O.B.E. C.B.E. D.S.O. V.C. M.C. P.A.E.D.O. (never "Saville" with two "l"s because that's just silly) a.k.a. Sir Jim'll of Savile or The Nazi Behind the Moors Murders (31 October 1926 – 29 October 2011) was a British DJ, television personality, gold enthusiast and of course, a paedophile. He was arguably the most famous Yorkshireman of the 20th century and both entertained and creeped out several generations of children and their parents. Since his possible sex-related death it has been revealed that Savile was in fact a massive sex offender, a predatory paedophile and an especially dirty pervert, at least it was a revelation to the twenty people who didn't suspect it already.
Early life: 1902–1960[edit | edit source]
Savile was born in 1902 in Leeds, Yorkshire. He was drafted during World War I to work as a gold miner under the British government's "Dig for Gold" policy,[1] and this is thought to be where his addiction for snorting gold dust began.
Following the armistice, the teenage Jimmy used the fifty pounds he had saved up during his time working to buy his own train in which he installed the first (and only) "locomotive dancehall". It was during this time that Jimmy claimed to have been the first person to DJ with 23 turntables and a tin of Heinz baked beans in 1923.[2] This was later found to be a lie started by Jimmy's arch-nemesis Clive Anderson,[3] he actually used only five turntables.
A former nightclub bouncer and associate of the notorious Kray Twins, Savile's links with the criminal underworld were severely undermined when he was ordered to "take out" Charlie Richardson and bought two tickets for Alton Towers instead.
Superstar career: 1961–1994[edit | edit source]
A common mistake is that Jimmy started his career in radio. This is a wicked lie and was probably started by Clive Anderson. Jimmy's actual first claim to fame was being co-owner of the company Burberry where Jimmy enjoyed a comfortable life as a bachelor. However, it was not meant to be and Jimmy was fired for his critically-slated "church tracksuit" and "burial tracksuit". After such a rejection, Jimmy took a gap year and did nothing but eat raw eggs and listen to Glen Miller discs on what he described as "... [the most] powerful speakers they had back then, the ones Mussolini used so that crowds in Rome could hear him being mad."
Wrestling[edit | edit source]
Jimmy felt so strong from all those eggs, and from hardcore Big Band music, that he took-up a career in wrestling. This was back in the days when it wasn't all staged and people could get seriously hurt. But not Jimmy, who won almost every bout. "It was mainly because I chose to fight ten-year-old boys," he admitted many years later. "You can't do that now, though, because of health and safety."
James Bond ambitions[edit | edit source]
Contrary to unpopular belief, Jimmy was set to play the role of James Bond in the movie Gold Finger but was dropped from the role when he stole the gold paint featured in the film and painted several cub scouts gold. This lead to an enraged Sean Connery, who happened to be passing when Jimmy was giving a protesting Scout a "lick of gold", administering a damn good thrashing to Savile with his manly Scottish fists. Connery's viciousness so impressed the film-makers that he was re-cast as James Bond in the film in the place of the now disgraced and hospitalised Jimmy.
Top Of The Pops[edit | edit source]
In 1966 Jimmy started a long stint presenting the BBC's flagship youth pop fab TV show Top Of The Pops. At the time, Savile's gold-addiction was still a shameful secret and he insisted on presenting the show in evening dress. The first few shows were critically-slated owing to Jimmy's insistence that having bands performing live was "a passing fad, you see". and instead choosing to have featured Top 40 records played on vinyl on a record-player whilst "the kids" danced and Jimmy awkwardly grooved-gently from his leather presenters-chair. However, a shake-up by BBC top-brass saw bands performing on the show and Jimmy presenting in a standing-up position. Savile agreed to this on the condition that the programme-makers would allow him to wear a top hat and monocle. The latter memorably popped-out every time a band's performance was a particularly raucous or raunchy one.
Savile left Top Of The Pops in 1980, handing over presenting duties to Darth Vader and Simon Bates. He returned to present the final Top Of The Pops in 2006, an infamous show during which Jimmy mostly ignored the auto-cue and drank innumerable flutes of fortified champagne whilst holding-forth his "bitter" and "obscenity-littered" thoughts on TOTP, the featured bands and the BBC from a gold and platinum throne he had had delivered to Broadcasting House for the occasion. His dismissal of Babyshambles as "the thin shite duke and his junkies!" led to an in-studio fist-fight with Pete Doherty which, having gone on for fifteen minutes across two BBC studios, was declared a draw by the production staff. Savile was supposed to have ended the show with the words "It's still Number One, it's Top Of The Pops!" but was unable to as he was busy being deliberately sick into Doherty's trilby. "We laugh about it now and he still has that hat, with all my dried sick in it. Ua-ua-ua!!" Sir Jimmy commented in a 2008 interview.
Jim Can't Fix It[edit | edit source]
When Jimmy was ready he decided to start his own show Jim Can't Fix It. This was to be the show that launched him into a showbiz career and made him a godzillionaire.
The show was based around the idea of members of the public[4] sending letters asking for his help with a situation or to make a dream come true. Jimmy then spent the rest of the show rejecting these requests and then going into detail of why he can't fix it. Over the years the show was broadcast, Jimmy failed to make many peoples' wishes come true including performing onstage with Adam Ant,[5] being served breakfast by Samantha Fox[6] and curing a little boy's cancer.[7] Probably the most famous show is the one with cub scouts who wanted to eat their dinner in a weird place.[8] However, Jimmy stated in his autobiography[9] that he was always willing to grant any fixes that involved teenage girls' visiting his dressing room, provided it had a lock on it.
Anyone who appeared on the show won one of Jimmy's special medals which were handmade by Jimmy himself. These were made of pure bakelite and featured the words "Jim Didn't Fix It For Me" painted on them skillfully with tippex. For the last show in 1994, Savile considered having the letters painted in gold paint as a celebratory gesture but Jimmy found it too hard to relinquish some of his precious gold.
British Rail promotion[edit | edit source]
Jimmy famously and memorably fronted various adverts for British Rail in the 1980s. These adverts usually featured Savile, dressed as a gold-chain wearing Edwardian pimp, hanging around various railway stations in the UK and harassing passers by for not buying enough tickets and not travelling far enough. Some also featured him on the trains themselves, commenting on the interior luxuries British Rail was famous for. One memorable advert broadcast from 1981 to 1982 had Jimmy in the restaurant car in which he greedily and savagely devoured a saveloy whilst telling viewers about BR's latest onboard buffet service. This particular advert received complaints from parents who felt that it was undoing all their good work in encouraging their children not to talk with their mouths full.
Savile always delivered the famous catchphrase at the end of these adverts: "This is the age of the car – but go by train!"
LSD safety campaign[edit | edit source]
Starting in 1969 Jimmy started appearing in "information films" produced by HM Government in which he advised the nation's hippies, drop-outs and annoying twats on "safe ways" to use the popular recreational tonic LSD. Savile introduce some clips of LSD-drinkers wandering into the paths of oncoming tanks, throwing themselves from the roof of the Reichstag or recording tedious concept albums. At the end, Jimmy appeared on-screen again to explain how "such tragedies can be avoided" and demonstrated how an LSD-imbiber could be safely locked-into a giant romper-suit suspended from the ceiling of an "airing cupboard or family dungeon" and left until they'd "come down" again. The catchphrase "Clunk-Click, every Trip" took on a cult following and for years afterwards Jimmy had people who'd been drinking Buckfast shout it at him in the street before being sick into a drain.
Fame in the USA[edit | edit source]
While his TV shows never achieved the level of success in America like they did in his native land, Savile is best known stateside as the man who invented Slim Jims. Savile made more than £70 million from this venture, but later wasted every penny investing it in the BBC soap Eldorado as executive producer.
Hair[edit | edit source]
Jimmy famously never cut his hair from 1979 until his death and it has starred in many films such as Gandalf's beard from the Lord of the Rings trilogy, Sean Connery's chest hair, and most famously Pierce Brosnan. "I like to think my hair is a star in its own right, now then now then, Ua-ua-ua-ua-ua-ua-ua!" Jimmy told Martin Bashir in a 2001 interview.
Sexuality[edit | edit source]
Basically, we don't know. We know now.
Battle with gold[edit | edit source]
In late 1998, following a particularly depraved visit to a South African gold mine,[10] Savile was persuaded to go into G-hab at the famous "Halls Of Montezuma" clinic in Mexico to try and cure his gold fever. After going gold turkey for forty days and forty nights, Jimmy was released from G-hab a cured man. Jimmy subsequently enjoyed his favourite past-time of injecting himself with minerally-pure gold responsibly.
Later life: 1994–2011[edit | edit source]
For most of his life, Jimmy lived with his mother, Mrs Savile, whom he called "The Duchess" even though she didn't hold any noble titles Jimmy was aware of. Following her death he kept all her clothes in a wardrobe and washed them once a week. He denied there was anything odd about this and strongly denied on a documentary by Louis Theroux that he kept her corpse around the house to "chat to"; having said that, he also refused to allow Theroux into the cellar of his Yorkshire mansion, insisting "Let me tell you, young man, there absolutely is not a massive multi-roomed shrine to the Duchess down there the size of a small town with the centrepiece being a recreation of the Greek Parthenon housing her embalmed remains in a rocking chair; that would just be strange, you see."
After many years of work for his country, Jimmy was finally recognised and was awarded knighthood when he donated his entire collection of golden tracksuits to starving Africans. His collection was so extensive it has now been recognised that the golden tracksuit is the official dress wear for the African people. Jimmy was also knighted in many countries such as Papua New Guinea and Malta. However, his crowning glory was being number one in the "Man With Most Bling" competition 2002, finally beating Mr.T and 50 Cent.
Jimmy was also recognised for starting one of the biggest trends there is, the tracksuit. Longtime fan 50 Cent saw Jimmy when he was a cute child rather than an annoying adult and has imitated his style ever since. Tracksuits can be seen all over the world from USA to the UK (but mainly Africa) and just goes to show that after all these decades Jimmy is still cool.
In 2007 Savile returned to television on the digital channel UK TV Gold with All New Jim Can't Fix It. This show revisits past guests for whom Jim was unable to fix things.[11][12]
Jimmy spent most of the last few years of his life at 30,000 feet in his gigantic gold-plated private jet, smoking cigars and not giving a damn about you; or lounging around in his silk tracksuit in his £50,000,000 Yorkshire mansion, where he had a swimming pool so vast it housed a life-size replica of the fucking Titanic which Jimmy called "the snug". Jimmy lived his life way above mere mortals, and especially above their so-called "laws".
Death[edit | edit source]
Sir Jimmy Savile died on 29 October 2011. (Celebrate good times c`mon!) A neighbour later said that, whilst on a morning run past Savile's palatial mansion, he had heard the gold-hungry star calling out "Ua-ua-ua-ua-ua-ua-ua!" and demanding that "Mister Cigar" call an ambulance. However, he felt that there was nothing untoward as "Sir Jimmy called out such things most of the time." He ejaculated on 100,000 babies (this is true). His cause of death is "unknown" but family have strongly denied that Savile returned to his gold problem in his final months. "He'd had enough gold for one lifetime," said a close friend.
Sir Jim lay in state following his death and buried in a gold coffin wearing a tracksuit.[13]
The BBC broadcast a tribute to the "much loved broadcaster", and the Prime Minister issued a statement saying that he was "very sad at the passing of a great British eccentric and man who will be missed by millions and did so much for so many". Ordinary members of the public simply said: "I see that weird old bloke who used to be on the telly and who you wouldn't leave your kids with has died."
Sexual allegations[edit | edit source]
In October 2012 it was revealed in an ITV documentary that Jimmy Savile was likely actually a paedophile as the British public had long joked. None of this stopped them from claiming to be shocked and appalled at what they'd previously found hilarious. Various British police forces, as of November 1998, are following up "around 5000 different leads" and believe that Savile "may have abused up to 84,984,574,375,493 British children, adults and babies" over a 100-year period. He has been described as "the most prolific sex offender in the known universe and in alternate universes too, and that's a fact". [Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]
In response to the allegations a road in Yorkshire which had been called "Savile's View" was renamed "Hitler's View" (and later destroyed due to its offending Moors Murder victims and Holocaust victims alike), a gold-plated twenty-foot statue of Savile outside a Glasgow leisure centre was removed and will be melted down and replaced with a giant penis. His gold and sperm (which was found in the blood of more then ten million teenagers during routine medical exams) was destroyed by the British army on order from The Queen. A plaque placed by Yorkshire Heritage (evil fools) at his Leeds mega-mansion was amended to add the words childkiller and racist to his list of achievements. His family ordered the solid gold, ten-foot high triple headstone they had unveiled to mark his grave a mere month earlier to be ground down and used to make condoms.
Since allegations are now proven to be true many have called for Saville to be stripped of his manhood. However, due to the fact that he is dead this is impossible. Petitions have also been signed to kill his father for not using a condom.
See also[edit | edit source]
- Sir Jim'll of Savile
- UnNews:Catholic Church set to remove Jimmy Savile's papal knighthood
- UnNews:An American's guide to Jimmy Savile
- UnNews:Entire UK population asks itself why it did nothing about Savile despite hearing the rumours
Notes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ "Gold will bring us victory, and if it doesn't then at least we've something with which to pay the Germans reparations."
- ↑ The records were, of course, gramophone records and the beans were known as Dr Heinz' Magnificent Tinned Bean Feast.
- ↑ Nobody knows where the notion that Anderson is Savile's nemesis came from as, beyond the turntable claim, there is no evidence of hostility or angry words between them but Savile himself always insisted it was the case and once slapped an interviewer who suggested otherwise.
- ↑ Usually children, "preferably female and between the ages of 12 and 14 ... because they're more popular with the viewers," said Savile, rubbing his hands.
- ↑ "He's a professional, you know. He only works with professionals."
- ↑ "She's too busy being a whore."
- ↑ "I'm not Jesus."
- ↑ Jimmy told them no.
- ↑ As It Happened (According To My Lawyer)
- ↑ So depraved that Nelson Mandela himself signed a special Presidential Decree banning Jimmy from the Republic of South Africa; ironically this was lifted mere hours before his death.
- ↑ including the former ambassador from the Socialist Republic of Yugoslavia, who's "fix" of preventing his country from sliding into civil-war Savile was unable and unwilling to grant in 1990
- ↑ New fixes he patiently rejected in the style that had made him famous.
- ↑ The tracksuit was first removed and placed inside the coffin, supposably.
