Keir Starmer
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Keir Starmer | |
|---|---|
 "Two-Tier" Keir is a man who exists. | |
| Prone Middler of the United Kingdom | |
| Assumed office 5 July 2024 | |
| Preceded by | Rishi "Infant-ry" Sunak |
| Succeeded by | Nigel Führarge |
| Constituency | Saint's Pancreas |
| Personal details | |
| Born | |
| Political party | Birthing Pains |
| Spouse | Ambiguity as a concept |
Captain Keir Rodders Starmy Hindsight (born 2 September 1962) is a British politician, ex-barrister, part-time queue jumper, unduly stalwart pornography censor and Member of the esoteric Sausage Liberation Movement. Despite the cabinet's internationally-spread claims stating that Starmer served as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom since 2024, evidence of this remains inconclusive given the numerous holiday bookings to Ibiza, Tenerife, and for reasons uncertain, Mar-a-Lago, all attributed to him and the rest of the Hindsight family.
Having served as Leader of the Labour Party since 2020, Starmer somehow managed to survive four years of internal squabbles, relentless U-turns, and the occasional bout of actual opposition, before being swept into power during the Great Tory Implosion of 5 July 2024, an event so catastrophic that scientists[who?] are still studying its seismic effects on reality itself. At precisely 10:30 AM on that fateful day, every Tory MP simultaneously screamed, devolved into a cloud of mist, leaving behind only a lingering scent of wrecked aspirations and the haunted Victorian pencil that was Jacob Rees-Mogg, whose attempts to mog his party's way through the election had proven futile in a fate of irony.
Captain Hindsight's leadership style has been described as a mixture between a cautious bank manager, and a particularly nervous shrew. Supporters dub him a safe pair of hands, whereas critics claim he has all the revolutionary energy of a damp bowlful of Cheerios. His tenure's first hundred days famously consisted of bold, decisive action such as nodding thoughtfully at things; standing completely stationary, waiting for a policy to develop organically in his vicinity; and throwing a jamboree on the beach whilst on a temporary stay in Rhyl in the company of the endemic homeless asylum seekers from the northwest of England.
Early life
A little known fact is that Keir Rodney Starmer was born in Southwark in 1962 in the form of a hammer, carefully crafted by his father, a toolmaker, before undergoing several years of gradual evolution into his present-day human form, which he has assumed since he ostensibly received A-level grades of B, B and C in mathematics, music and physics. It was in these formative years that Starmer first honed his highly regarded ability to carefully paraphrase his responses into the most ear-catching of lexicon as is customary for most sentient hammers, most notably when contemplating whether or not he feels the necessity to "do his talking on the pitch", before ultimately deciding that "now is not the right moment to take a stance on the matter".
Despite not retaining any obvious hammer-like features, Starmer's political technique would persist to revolve around repeatedly hammering home the same point about his father being a toolmaker until every MP in the House of Commons eventually calls it quits and decides to retrain as a blacksmith.
Legal career
Starmer became a barrister in 1987 prior to embarking on his lifelong mission to cautiously not offend anyone. It was during his legal career where he rapidly gained renommée for his uncanny, almost supernatural ability to phrase even the most damning argument in a way that left everyone uncertain as to whether he had actually taken a position in the first place.
Early in his career, Starmer specialised in human rights law and criminal defence, working on cases that often set him in competition against the government. This was a dynamic he would later reverse by eventually becoming the most government-friendly opposition leader known to man, in a concept he himself designated "Opposition Through Unwavering Compliance". A representative of environmental activists, trade unions, and death row inmates, Starmer famously secured the release of Delano Johnson, a man sentenced with capital punishment in the Caribbean in spite of a lack of evidence, a missing trial transcript, and the judge allegedly being a coconut sporting a bobble-knitted Rasta hat. Legal scholars regard this as one of the only incidents in which Starmer's reluctance to rush to conclusions turned out to benefit someone in the end.
Starmer was appointed Queen's Counsel on 9 April 2002, despite his long-standing commitment towards the abolition of the monarchy. Historians believe this moment marked the genesis of Starmer's ever-revered ability to simultaneously support and oppose a cause, a talent he would later hone to near-superhuman perfection later on in his calling.
Director of Public Prosecutions
In 2008, Starmer ascended to the position of "Director of Public Prosecutions", where among his most daring of feats was the prosecution of MPs involved in the expenses scandal, a move that showcased his unwavering commitment to justice provided that justice aligned neatly with public opinion, posed no significant career risks, and didn't require him to say anything too controversial in a BBC interview out of fear of cancellation on the then-embryonic Twitter.
An example of one of his boldest moments came during the 2010 student protests in central London, where he enthusiastically prosecuted student protestors while nodding sympathetically at their vociferous slogans, possibly hoping that, through sheer centrism, the two conflicting actions would cancel each other out. This evidently delicate balancing act of supporting and opposing the same thing simultaneously has since been formally termed as "Schrödinger's centrism" by political polymaths.
By the time he called it quits with the Crown Prosecution Service in 2013, Starmer had already cemented his legacy as a highly competent legal mind, a man who could spend six hours outlining a case's nuances without ever spilling the beans with regard to his genuine opinion on the matter. His greatest obstacle was yet to come: joining the Labour Party and painstakingly erasing away any last iota of socialism, as an archaeologist excavating an ancient, inconvenient fossil.
Political career
In December 2014, Starmer was selected as Labour's candidate for St. Pancreas, replacing Frank Dobson – a decision that shocked many, as few had ever heard Starmer express a political opinion louder than but a whisper. He was elected at the 2015 general election to the House of Commons, achieving a majority of 17,048, a result he humbly accepted by nodding solemnly, downing a glass of celebratory lukewarm tap water and issuing a cautiously-phrased statement confirming that he was "grateful, but not so grateful as to alienate potential swing voters".
By 2017, he gained an even larger majority of 30,509, which political analysts attributed to his razor-sharp legal mind, his forensic attention to detail, and the fact that his main opponent was a sentient pile of discarded, expired bus tickets, who struggled with the artistry of oration and frequently fell over in high winds. His victory speech, described by attendees as "audible", "having words in it", and "one of the speeches of all time", resonated deeply with voters. Several sources claim Starmer to have momentarily raised his voice above conversational volume during his announcement, although testimonies to this are scarce.
Labour leader
Following Labour's 2019 general election defeat, a result so catastrophic that debate remains as to whether the party actually participated in the election at all, Starmer saw an opportunity following the resignation of Jeremy Corbyn, under whom Starmer had served, all the while keeping a safe legal distance. As Shadow Brexit Secretary, he simultaneously supported and questioned a second referendum, a balancing act that would define his leadership.
Elected Labour leader on 4 April 2020 and Leader of the Opposition having indoctrinated the second-most vast mass of voters with "Schrödinger's centrism", Starmer promised unity and competence, which he swiftly demonstrated by suspending Corbyn and tarnishing everything he stood for. This was hailed as "decisive leadership" by several and "a blatant purge" by others. The move outraged Corbyn's supporters, delighted his critics, and left most voters completely unaware that any of this had even happened at all. With Corbyn out of the way, Starmer set about rebranding Labour, exchanging policies that were deemed "too radical" for his standards for focus-group slogans and platitudes, alongside the calming presence of fiscal responsibility, and just the right amount of indifference to let everyone project their own beliefs onto him. His overall mission comprised of winning back voters, performing as little oratory as possible, and ensuring that Labour maintained itself just an electable enough party – without alarming a soul by actually standing for something concrete.
It was during Starmer's tenure as Leader of the Opposition that he famously challenged Boris Johnson to a game of chess, hoping to flex his forensic thinking upon the Tories. Unfortunately, Johnson's strategy of knocking over the board, stamping all over the pieces, declaring himself the winner and absconding from the premises before anyone could challenge him proved unexpectedly effective. Starmer, ever the tactician, insisted on reviewing the footage before making his next move, at which point BoJo had already signed a lucrative memoir deal and fled to the Caribbean, and somehow secured a column in every British newspaper simultaneously. This left Dominic Raab – and later Liz Truss to fulfil Johnson's duties in prime ministership.
Prime Minister
As a consequence of Tory and Liberal Democrat voters remaining indoors on election day – possibly distracted by a particularly enticing episode of Antiques Roadshow – Starmer was elected Prime Minister on 5 July 2024 by Charles III, much to the delight of many a youngling unwilling to serve in the military and much to the horror of landlords nationwide, who feared that he might actually do something about housing. His victory speech reassured the nation that change was indeed underway, albeit at a very sluggard pace and only after extensive consultation with focus groups, a Magic 8-Ball and ChatGPT. Diane Abbott kept Starmer's responsibilities under surveillance over the following five months for reasons the government has yet to disclose.
Killing spree
Promising change, one of Keir Starmer's first acts was to shut off electricity for all citizens over the age of 75. The reason, he stated, was a newly discovered 'black hole' of £20 billion that desperately needed filling. This decision sparked riots which were then blamed on 'far-right bigots and racists' and used to clamp down on all protesting in the United Kingdom.
Immediately after this debacle, Starmer sought to aid the elderly's misery by helping doctors to kill them legally. This caused more outrage among the heathen, but Starmer quickly distracted them by expanding abortion laws to the ninth month.
In a statement, Starmer stated:
"We weren't sure what kind of change people wanted, since no-one specified."
On foreign affairs, Starmer has adopted his trademark Schrödinger's diplomacy every so often he can be observed speaking on behalf of the British public. In the case of the Israel-Hamas conflict, for instance, he managed the feat of backing military action whilst simultaneously calling for a ceasefire and a "return of the sausages" – a policy nobody saw coming but everyone felt compelled to agree with on some level, seeing as his approach continues to leave observers unsure whether he is supporting peace, war, or just trying to bring about the need for a national ceremonial BBQ.
Gooning ban
25 July 2025 saw Steer Calmer place a nationwide ban on the online erotica scene upon having realised his entire cabinet was fraught with porn addicts and aficionados too infatuated with their screens to actually govern. Keen to avoid public scandal and to keep the press from unmasking the shadowy figure known only on XVideos as AndrewTateFartPorn, Calmer rolled out the "Online Doxx Yourself Act" under the half-arsed pretext of "online safety, anti-bullying... yeah, that's a pressing issue these days... all the children... all the under-18s... can't have 'em stumbling across the knickers and bras of such innocent ladies being exploited before they receive their GCSE results."
The Online Doxx Yourself Act requires all UK residents to present valid photo ID, a handwritten essay titled Why I Don't Need to See Tits, and three references from non-family members before accessing any vaguely suggestive material online. Thank the Lord for artificial intelligence, now mostly busy forging such identification and churning out such essays on demand. That is, unless the PM bothers to step in and forbid Skynet from doing humanity any favours.
