- For the United Nations Declaration on Human Rights, see Universal Declaration of Human Rights.
Human rights are a gift from the mighty Lord through his kind generosity to us puny humans. God gave us certain qualities to aim for through his all geniusness, grace and raging fury. Since he created earth 7000 years ago...God sort of took a break for some years. Then had a few adventures with massochistic suicide by nails which inspired him to give us a whole bunch of new rights which limited how much he would smite us or cast us into the underground torture chamber which he also sort of invented then. For the last 2000 years God has been vacationing in some other part of the Universe but surely he peeks in from time to time to make sure we are making progress on our human rights. Make no mistake: God and human rights are synonymous, that is...one cannot exist without the other.
- 1 The actual rights
- 2 The universality of rights
- 3 Human rights for non-Christians
- 4 The future of Human Rights
- 5 Animal rights
- 6 Some more human rights
- 7 The silliness of man made Human Rights
- 8 The ultimate human right
- 9 Disclaimer
- 10 References
The actual rights
You have the right to worship God. God expects you to enact that right all the time. If you repeatedly tell him how amazing he is he will be pleased and feel like he was wise to have given us this right. God simply adores it when you lavish attention and compliments on him. You must love him. If you don't love him God will be furious and burn you like a piece of bacon forever. So by all means, do take advantage of this human right as much as you can. There is no limit to how often and how creatively you praise his awesome magnificence. Don't mistake praising God with making requests of God. God is never amused by this. praising God means giving him unquestioning thanks for everything he does including all those things that seem cruel and awful. After all who are we to judge for the barbaric horrors he inflicts on us? God orgasms everytime you praise him for helping you achieve your goals, especially if you have done it all completely on your own. Utilize the right to praise God frequently and you'll be rewarded by silence which is the best response God could give.
You have the right to not work on Sunday's and enjoy seven hour long church services. In church, exercise your first right which is to hail the lords amazing grandness and thank him again and again and again, chanting, singing, whispering, praising. Not going to church is seen by God as a waste of a perfectly good human right. God firebombed cities with low church attendance before he changed his perfect plan into a more perfect plan by non-consensually impregnating a virgin.
You have the right to shut your yapping woman up when she doesn't listen to reason. God knows that men need well earned peace and quiet. Threaten to cut off her weekly allowance if she keeps yapping. If she still keeps on talking then God asks you to gently but firmly smack the fucking shit out of her.
You have the right to turn the other cheek. If your neighbour takes a leak on the fence that borders your lawn then turn the other cheek. If your neighbour in a drunken rampage smashes a bottle over your head and then sodomises your anus with the broken bottle, do turn the other cheek (both your ass cheek and the cheek on your face).
You have the right to be meek as one day, you will inherit the world and then you can release your furious rage punish all of the assholes and dicks who treated you badly. Follow God's examples: Do you suddenly have total power? Be a genocidal maniac and murder every first born child in a city. Are you displeased with a group of bad mouthed children? Set a bear loose and let it rip their innards out. This human right only applies to the disabled, retarded and anti-social computer nerds.
The universality of rights
These rights apply to everyone in the universe. However, the aliens of Zorg-Zorg have found a way to block the powers of God which often drives God into a rage that can only be contained in a massive-black-hole.
Human rights for non-Christians
There is no such thing as a non-Christian. There are reasonable and meek and submissive Christians and truth denying fools who wish to burn kind of Christians. Whether they admit they are God's children or not...they still have the right to shut their women up or chop off the flap of their young boys penis (as believers ought to). That is the beauty of universal human rights.
The future of Human Rights
When the rapture ends and the good are in heaven and 99.999% of the rest burn in never ending tortuous sizzling agony, human rights will be moot. Those in heaven will live in bliss and will exercise their first right (thanking God forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever etc....................), women will finally be allowed to talk and boys will get their foreskins back. All will be well.
Animals don't have rights...but instead are protected from prohibitions on men regarding animals. An animal cannot be screwed in the vagina by a man, some animals cannot be eaten but anything else goes. Using dogs as anger management punching cushions is quite alright. In Deuteronomy if a slave is trampled to death by their neighbours ox, then the slave owner gets the ox, some money and a bottle of lamb blood. This is not about animal rights but property rights as both the ox and the slave are not human. Animals don't go to heaven as they are not capable of praising and thanking God without end.
Some more human rights
You have the right to be horribly nasty and cruel to faggots. If they are faggy and wear tight jeans and low v-neck shirts then this is an obligation. Smacking faggots over the head with placards and telling them God hates him is a right that God does not give lightly. It must be used with responsibility. If you are going to smite gay guys...you must degrade them and insult them until they take their own miserable damned lives. If you realise your boy is gay then make him a priest as God doesn't interfere with such things which will not be said here.
You have the right to cut off your three day old boy's penis skin flap. When you do this God is pleased and Jesus eats a piece of chocolate cake. Everyone rejoices and your baby boy crying in hysterical agony feeds God's unending appetite for screams and groaning. As much as you would like to cut off their ears or fingers ...you cannot...only the penis flap.
You have the right to light lots of candles. No one can take that right away from you. It's amazing how such a tiny little flame can please such an enormous insatiable being. If you cannot find a candle then set someones house on fire (especially houses of Homosexuals who wear tight jeans and very low v-neck shirts). The burning flame gratifies the Lord which is why he invented human rights, bees wax, wicks and matches.
The silliness of man made Human Rights
God gave man his God-given rights. To repay God's kindness humans invented their own blasphemous "Human-given Rights". As if humans could decide their own rights LMAO. These rights have even been extended to animals, perverts and Muslims. God is not amused.
The following are sad examples of human-given rights:
Freedom of speech
God already did this one. Say what you want if you are a man and if you are a woman...shut the fuck up. Why would a man-made right be needed?
Right to religion
That is covered by the right to pray to God and thank him incessantly. Who is stopping you from doing that?
Right to have fag but-sex
Now this is just gross. A right to mix piss and poop and ejaculate in one human orifice? They cannot be serious.
Right from arbitrary punishment
The only punishment that matters is the final judgement. You bathe in warm magma for eons and eons or you remind [[God |Lord]] how magnificent he is in the clouds. It is not arbitrary decision. It's not like God would send you to hell just for forgetting to put the lid back on the peanut butter jar (or would he?).
The ultimate human right
You have the right to breathe oxygen. Unless submersed in water, airtight spaces or blown into outer space. God has never touched this sacred right. Don't believe in anyone who tells you otherwise. This is the covenant between the invisible man in the sky and puny humans. He will protect this right until the rapture when those in heaven will not need oxygen but will breathe the fumes of Jesus's sweet chocolate cake breath. The right to breathe oxygen is so important that it wasn't even mentioned in the bible. That is how sacred it is. The fags at the UN hasn't even covered that one. praise God and he will always deliver you oxygen.
The aliens of Zorg-zorg don't breathe oxygen but they still have that right.
God may retract any right (except the right to breathe oxygen) anytime for any reason without notice. Who are we to question God's terms and conditions?
Aliens from the planet Zorg-Zorg have the same rights as us humans even though they are particularly hated by the Lord. Eventually God will find a way to penetrate their supernatural deity shield and will smite the shit out of them with ghastly doom.
Slaves and the Japanese are not considered humans and thus have no rights though they are encouraged to breathe oxygen and praise the lord.
Human rights will expire when the anti-Christ arrives. This is expected to be any day soon now within a margin of error of several centuries.