Gun control

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Chuck Norris does not need guns, but will destroy you if you try to take them away.

Gun control was invented by the liberal watchdogs to ensure that the Red States never again attempted to secede from the Union. It was also created to deter logic from ever entering the debate on Criminology. The city of Chicago is a perfect example of how well gun control serves to prevent gun violence.


Seeing as how armed criminals have a penchant for felony murder, rape, and robbery, liberals were certain that misdemeanor gun charges would deter them from carrying guns. These rules are easily enforced since everyone knows that all guns used in crimes are purchased in federally licensed gun stores by licensed individuals who register the guns are leave the serial number intact. There is no way that criminals would purchase or steal unregistered, black-market firearms with their numbers filed off. And certainly there is no way anybody would ever simply print their own gun with a 3D printer.

This says it all!

Police Protection

Keeping guns away from homeowners with families to protect makes perfect sense because they can always call the police. That is, assuming that they wake up in time and the police are just a block away. Like the police motto goes, “when seconds count, we’re just minutes away.” Besides, homeowners can easily fend off robbers/rapists with dogs, pepper spray, martial arts, knives, broken bottles, bows and arrows, blowtorches, chainsaws, pitchforks, and baseball bats until the police arrive, provided nothing breakable is in the way and the house doesn't burn down.

Guns Are Bad. Period

  • Guns kill people, much in the same way that pencils make spelling mistakes and computers commit internet fraud.
  • If you use a gun to defend your life, there is a 100% chance that the criminal will disarm you and use your own gun against you, even though the criminal will probably be carrying a weapon of his own.
  • The average law abiding citizen does not have the skill required to use a gun in self defence properly. Guns are extremely complicated devices, that can only be used properly by Nasa trained, super-police officers.
  • Guns are an extremely easy and simple way for criminals to murder people.
  • We must ban all guns because there are thousands of unstable lunatics out there who will get hold of them and kill dozens of innocent people.
  • Those who argue that they need guns to defend themselves from unstable lunatics are clearly paranoid.
  • Only the police and military can be trusted with guns. Be warned, pro-gunners (AKA Pro baby murderers) will try to tell you that the most deadly shooting spree in history was carried out a by a South Korean police officer using police issue weapons. This is a lie. No police officer or military person has ever abused their position or had a mental breakdown and kill a bunch of people, ever.

Famous Gun Control Advocates

Many of the world's most rational and balanced politicians in history have been strongly in favour of and have implemented strict gun control, all to the immense benefit of their peoples:

Famous Pro-Gun Advocates

Some people, nearly always unstable maniacs who live in trailer parks, have spoken out against gun control, such as these evil historic figures:


Some redneck fools have been critical of gun control. They have claimed that disarming a population will leave them vulnerable to naturally opportunistic criminals. Why nothing could be further from the truth! Criminals would have to yield to gun-free zones as they did at Columbine, NIU, Virginia Tech, Lane Bryant, and the Westroads Mall. Others have pointed out that important American politicians such as George Washington, Patrick Henry, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, and Charlton Heston have all been supporters of an armed citizenry. However, these people are dead so their opinions do not matter.[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]

Potential Sexism

Sarah dares you to try and rape her.

A few whining women have complained that gun control is sexist. This is a simple minded fallacy spouted by red leader Sarah Palin. If there is anything the world has learned from anime, it's that a 300lbs. rapist will easily be defeated by a 105 lbs, 15-year-old school girl. There is hardly any case to be said that a woman might need a gun to protect herself against biologically stronger opponents. Since gun control frequently targets low-caliber, low-recoil, easily concealed handguns that women favor, it is doing a great job of protecting those otherwise at-risk rapists. What kind of politician would want to have his state's rapists at risk of armed female reprisals?

Constitutional Right

The gun nuts who so foolishly cling to their cause of “self-defense” cite the Constitution as an excuse to remain dangerously armed. So what if the 2nd amendment says that Americans have the right to be armed? So what if the Supreme Court ruled that the right applies to individuals and not the state militias? Since when does the Supreme Court interpret the law? The Constitution says that it is their job, but no one cares. Everyone knows that old parchment is worthless. America now exists to be regulated by liberals who have your best interests at heart, just like Dr. Kevorkian. But since the liberals don't really go by the Constitution anyway, why should they start with this part?

Assault Weapons

Gun control supporters target a group of guns that they call assault weapons, which are rarely used in crime. The fact that they are rarely used is proof that gun control works! The term assault weapon was created by the liberal media to describe a group of scary guns that have military-like features. None of them have automatic fire, but since they look like they do, it is easy to say that someone will modify them to shoot that way. The Federal Assault Weapon Ban (expired 2004) was so successful at stopping crimes committed with assault weapons that the government did not have to renew it! The mechanics of assault weapons make them safer to use. Things like standard capacity magazines, pistol grips, barrel shrouds (the shoulder things that go up), flash suppressors, muzzle compensators, and telescoping stocks allow a homeowner to more readily defend their homes. Otherwise, criminals will not have a fair access to your possessions, wife, children, car, house, or a fair chance to kill you before the police arrive.


In closing, gun control denies women and the elderly the ability to fight back against attackers. It creates a group of easy prey for criminals. It bans guns with features that make them safer. It tears a Constitutional Right straight out of the hands of citizens. It is also a fashionable cause that celebrities and scientologist love. In short, Gun Control makes perfect sense.