Cane and Able

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This article contains advice on how to break the law. Be careful of your actions. You don't really want find yourself in a gay rapist club provided with free housing, meals, and television.

A cane

“How can I guarantee a seat for myself on the bus?”

~ Carry a cane

“How can I get free parking in the city?”

~ Bring a cane to your next doctor's appointment?

“How can I get the supermarket to let me use the electric carts when I shop”

~ Bring a cane to the store, and they will assume you are disabled?

“How can I get approved for Social Security Disability easily?”

~ Just use a cane and everyone will consider you disabled. Easy money!
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Laziness?

Cane and Able were two of the sons of Adam and Eve. Able could walk completely on his own power. Cane could walk only while carrying a stick, or else he would fall over. Cane was extremely jealous of Able because of this, so Cane took the stick and hit Able over the head many times until he died. This was the first case of murder ever recorded in human history.

Ever since, a person who cannot walk on his own power is said be to "disabled" and the stick such a person uses to walk is called a "cane".

But the cane can also be used by a healthy person in order to make him appear physically disabled. The person who uses a cane is normally healthy, able-bodied, and has no need for such a device. But by using one, s/he is able to give others the impression s/he is disabled, thereby obtaining all the benefits available to a disabled person.

This woman needs a cane to walk. Or does she?

Truly disabled people do not use canes. Those who cannot overcome their disabilities use walkers or are stuck in wheelchairs or even worse in bed. Those who try to overcome their disabilities use ski poles.

The use of a cane has been named cane fraud. It is a crime that is easy to commit because canes are cheap. They typically cost less than $10, are sold in many store, and do not require a prescription.

But be careful. The world is filled with detectives who film what you do when you are not looking. If you claim you are disabled, but climb on your roof, they will film that from the street. If you use a cane some of the time, but not other times, they will catch that.

You may want to consider using a folding cane that you can put away easily when you are indoors when you don't need it, or just break a limb off the nearest tree every time you do need one.

Uses[edit | edit source]

Canes have the following uses:

To fake a disability[edit | edit source]

Hey, free parking!
  • To gain sympathy: Naturally, one who sees a disabled person is sympathetic to that person, and is willing to do things for that person that s/he normally would not do for someone else. Therefore, by walking with a cane, one can accomplish this.
  • To get declared disabled: One of the hardest things to do is to become declared legally disabled. This is necessary in order to obtain many rights offered to disabled people that everyone wants to have. Easy money. The best parking in the house. To get all this, you first need to convince a doctor of your disability. Then your doctor needs to convince the government. But there is a simple way to do this. Just carry a cane when you visit the doctor. And the doctor will very likely believe you are disabled.
  • Priority parking: Do you not like walking far when you park? You can obtain a handicapped parking permit this way. Even if it'll hurt your soul to take up these spaces from a real disabled person who needs them, you can still obtain free parking and not have to feed meters in some cities.
  • Reserved seating: Many buses, trains, and other places have special seats reserved for the disabled. Even if you do not sit in one of these seats, if the bus or train is overcrowded, you are guaranteed a seat. Of course, you can still be nice and refuse to take this offer.
  • Electric shopping carts They are reserved for the disabled. But when in reality you are too lazy to walk, you can use it too. The cane says it all.
  • Government benefits You can (fraudulently) obtain various handouts available from the national, state, or local government for free, such as social security, health coverage, discounts, etc.

Even worse[edit | edit source]

  • As a measuring stick for the latest snowfall, if you are a bad guesser.
  • To mix the batter of the cake you are planning to bake, but that your little kiddies want to taste first. This just minutes after you used it as a plunger for your toilet.
  • To ruin your neighbor's brand new carpeting by bringing in mud from outside. But wait. Don't your shoes already do that?
  • To spread disease, since you probably do not ever think of cleansing the handle of germs.
  • For punishment: Canes are used by teachers and principals in an act called caning.
  • As a weapon in a violent assault

And you can't forget, if you don't like someone who uses a cane, here is a nasty prank to play on them. It is described in Roald Dahl's "The Twits". Attach a thin, coin-sized sliver to the bottom of the cane each day. The cane will slowly grow. But the user will believe s/he is shrinking!!!