Teacher

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Satan?

A typical teacher, in the midst of a nervous breakdown after long years of merciless abuse by her class. I'm gonna go put a pin on her chair.

“You know the teachers in [insert next grade here] won't allow you to [insert thing they will allow you to do here]!”

~ [insert any teacher you've ever had here] on The next grade

“Teachers are assholes.”

~ Captain Obvious on Teachers

“You know, I was a teacher once. If the kids were bad, I'd give them one of my 'special' detentions. Aaaaah yes. After that detention, that noisy little kid at the back of the room never spoke again.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Teacher

“Right, son, now listen here. Blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah, blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah. Now, did you get all that?”

~ Science teacher on science

“Frankly, concerning your son's grades, it is clear that he lacks the fundamental aspects needed to his complete his coursework to a standard deemed acceptable by the Government; his effort level and academic achievements have been disappointingly low, and he has demonstrated a lack of potential in most, if not all, subjects taught on the curriculum at this school. I suggest putting him up for adoption.”

~ Modern-day asshole teacher

A teacher is a mutated being whose occupation involves brainwashing, corrupting and destroying otherwise possibly useful braincells. In recent years the profession has been growing in both notoriety and, surprisingly, number. This is largely credited to the growing sense of anti-teacherism.

More than likely, the individual you call your 'teacher' is simply a pathetic representative for whatever field they truly wanted to get into in the first place. For example, picture that you were an expert at mathematics. Would you be a teacher? Of course not. You'd be a mathematician, or, more likely, a highly-paid engineer. Those who major in mathematics and fail to make the cut because they lack the ability to do anything productive find they have no place to go but teaching. This is true across the board: your biology teacher failed to make it as a legitimate scientist, your literature teacher's poetry was too shitty to be published, and your social studies teacher couldn't find any place that was willing to pay for a columnist who was as much of a dumbass as he was. As a result, they all file in en masse to take out their personal failures on you. This phenomenon is sometimes referred to as "the gift of a good education"

Fundamental Rights of A Teacher

• 1. To teach students
• 2. To make a gentle student
• 3. To teach us what we don't know
• 4. To make our future bright
• 5. Few of teachers follow these rights

(Use different sounds and expressions, of either artificial or natural pain and grief, while gaining the cliche knowledge of the above 5 rights in your mind)

• 6. To think that they are smart
• 7. The undying ability to cram useless knowledge into the mind, asploding all forms of hope
• 8. Did I mention to torture a student
• 9. To make you feel stupid
• 10. To make you suicidal.
• 11. To get paid less money than a hooker
• 12. To steal your money and your soul
• 13. To retardify you
• 14. To sell bad students to the black market
• 15. Heavy emphasis on "torture students"
• 16. To stare at you while you work on useless in-class homework
• 17. To have a bad excuse for making a mistake.
• 18. To torture a student. Oh, sorry, did I mention that already?

Teachers have freckles all over their breasts

The categories

• Teachers fall into two main categories:
  • Those you like, and
  • Those you don't.

• Incidentally, teachers themselves have their own main categories:
  • Good students
  • Bad students, and
  • Tortured souls

Both categories appear to be related. A teacher in the category "those you like" typically has the student categorized in "good students", while a "bad student" will tend to have the teacher categorized in "those you don't".

Are they real?

There is little doubt, and a significant amount of archaeological evidence, that teachers are real. They seem to have their origins in the early Jurassic Era, where the smartest was always cast as the hamster exploding in the microwave. Over time, these smarter beings were ostracised and formed small, inbred communities, known (like the groups of fish they resembled) as a "school", into which they tried to entice fresh blood with the only thing they had: knowledge. Unfortunately, knowledge does not sell very well, and was not worth a lot outside these nether-world enclaves. As a result, teachers formed a sub-branch of humanity known to science as homo sapiens extravagantis. Like monkeys, teachers share approximately 98.8% of their DNA with us, although they are in fact an entirely distinct species.

Some common varieties of teacher

The Hostage Taker

These kinds of teachers might be a former SWAT member, or ex-Delta Force soldier

These kinds of teachers enjoy to "help" with research assignments and reports (usually history.) They are very commonly school librarians. They take pride in kidnapping students and taking them hostage, and cover it up by saying they are going to help with your assignment. Then they later monologue about the subject (these creatures always make it as boring as possible) until you have to ask to go to the bathroom and camp out there. These creatures are extremely dangerous, and very common, so beware!!

The Hottie

WARNING: The Hottie might be a pornstar, or teacher in drag, who's always looking for sex. She might have 'AIDS.'

Come on, gorgeous. You know you want me, so cum and get it, give it to me baby!.

Fresh from university (or the brothel), this gorgeous specimen of humanity is rarely aware of the effect she can have on a class; the covert power-play that ensues for the front seat each lesson, the competition to be first to compliment her on her hair, her ability to silence the class by leaning over her books while standing up, all apparently pass her by. On her last day, this can often escalate into a fight to touch her amazingly firm breasts, invariably won by a student in possession of enormous breasts himself. Incredibly, she seems not to even notice this, continuing to believe only the best of people. If the class in question is college, however, the year might culminate in sex during recess and lunch, a practice which can account for as much as 50% of the last-week 'absences.' The other 50% are:

A.) Gay people

B.) People who aren't cool enough (poor bastards)

C.) Those locked in lockers to prevent them getting let in on the fun.

D.) People who feel uncomfortable about fucking one woman in front of 29 other naked boys.

E.) Female students. At least, some of them.

But this is a rare breed, found mostly on Brazzers.

The Lecher

This fat, ugly old man is second assistant-deputy-vice trainer for the football and rowing teams, which essentially means he fills up what he calls drink bottles (but are actually sports cups), and ogles while the hottest boys are in the school shower. Generally single and frequently still living with "family members," he may also live on campus and be in charge of making boarders' beds.

Strangely, this man targets female students, perhaps fearing the lack of a bigger penis. Indeed, this is the leading cause of avoidance of girls by lesbians of all ages.

The Pushover

The Pushover is living a fake life. She thinks she's the funniest/coolest/hottest person ever. She tends to have strange bodily deformations like a beer belly or a cameltoe. Children in her class have no respect for her. They insult her to her face, and talk about her behind her back. They yell out "Penis!" during the middle of class, but the Pushover pretends not to notice. Also, they tend to do the middle finger while striking badass, sexy, or just plain nasty poses.

The Pushover is usually a language teacher, and it is fun to make fun of her accent, asking her how to say "beach" over and over again. She is over enthusiastic, and would die if she heard what her students said behind her back. When it gets to be too much for the Pushover, she hands out detentions like there's no tomorrow.

However, with the pushover teacher you have to be careful, they are highly unbalanced teachers who are on the verge of being suicidal. If too much abuse is thrown at them, they will run from the room crying, yes, crying. They will then proceed to hide in the staff room and sit in a corner with a strong black coffee, rocking backwards and forwards.

Otherwise, they'll just shout at people and kick an innocent student, then send them out of the class.

The Nightmare

This type of teacher is generally known for being obsessed with their subject material. They are often also old, cranky, annoying, old, rude, bossy, and are most commonly found to be old. You'll probably strongly suspect that he/she is batty or "off his/her rocker". When you raise your hand and answer a question, this teacher is 99.999% likely to say "Well.. I wouldn't say that, i'd say (place your answer stated in a different order here)". This teacher will hand you the printed notes for the day's class before he has given it and then make you write down what he says, even though he handed it to you already. Most commonly, he will stare you down until you write down the definition of a word as he repeats it several times for everyone, even though this word is printed at the top of the previously stated paper. He will spend the entire class reading from this paper, which you could have read yourself at home. They will also not allow you to leave the room while he is talking, and will not let you come back in to the room until he is, once again, finished talking. To find out if he is talking when outside the door, simply open the door, if a hand is shoved in your face you know that you can't come back in yet.

The Over-Enthusiast

This teacher is, to say the least, enthusiastic, if not on some type of drug. He is the kind of teacher who rings each student individually (on their mobiles) and reminds them to watch a documentary on DNA molecules that he forgot to remind them about in class earlier that day. His classes are often heard at the other end of the corridor as he shouts and yells: "Now pick up the hamster and place it in the microwave!!! Fascinating the way it flies, isn't it?!"

If you observe the female form of the Over-Enthusiast, you will notice that she is unable to shut her mouth. She doesn't breathe normally when she's talking; she talks until she's out of breath, then stops in the middle of a sentence and gasps for breath before going on. She cannot stand still in her classroom for one second, and will always be talking about other subjects.She often changes the subject so many times you forget what she was originally talking about.She often wears clothes that are too big for her (which is actually impossible considering she's already so fat)or if that isnt the case they may be home made, and if she wears orange you may think you are looking at a pumpkin. She will often give you a writing assignment the day after your exams, and make you read a book in the week before. She is also completely insane.

The Beard

Most bearded teachers hit puberty when they are 2 months of age. They usually start to grow their first beard when... ohh, fuck it, they've had a beard since they were born. The bearded teacher, quite possibly the most awesome teacher in the history of the world, can often be found in language classes or science labs; they know all there is to know about both growing beards and their aforementioned subjects. The bearded teacher has never had to pay bills, EVER! This species of teacher is often compared to the acclaimed Chuck T. Norris and Albus Dumbledore, as their beard powers are almost equal (although Chuck Norris's are still better).

There is another kind of bearded teacher, where the beard makes him look like a pornstar, therefore making you feel uncomfortable to be even near him. He tends to think he is hilarious when he isn't and has a wife that is WAY too young for him. Keep any interaction with this kind of teacher as low as possible.

Oh dear.

The Senile

This teacher should have retired ten years ago. If she is a woman, she still dresses like Laura Ingalls Wilder. The "senile" will lose your homework, mix up the test grades, forget to mark you present, and call you by names like "George" and "Betty" that belong to no-one in the class. Sometimes she forgets that people even HAVE names and just calls you "Guy". These are also the teachers that are probobly so old that they need to be on all kinds of medication to even be standing in front of the class. Without said 'meds' they usually disintegrate into a steaming puddle of liquid stupidity and the souls of students they bored to death. When they aren't teaching English (the coveted position of seniles everywhere), this teacher is often found wandering aimlessly about the school, wondering what so many children are doing running about. Seniles are always in charge of running detention, but often forget to write down the names of those who showed up. They tend to reassign you a new seat everyday, making you move, while they claim that it was the same seat you were in yesterday. Nothing the "senile" forgets is their problem - it's always your fault. It's part of their tenure. If you have the misfortune of having one of these incredibly irritating near-deads as a computer teacher, never ask for help, never talk to it, and never, NEVER, become engaged in conversation. It will switch topics every five seconds from shirts to disinfecting earbuds. They often are the douchebag that brings in their ugly demon-child and deformed grandchildren. Also, the Senile is a fat ass bitch who no one likes.(also Mrs. Cowan)

The Pretender

This teacher is your best friend. He smiles at the class, makes funny jokes and pretends to be friendly. As soon as you turn your back, however, he is mind-bendingly evil, immediately changing his attitude towards the class and bitching to the other teachers about how bad you are. But don't despair - some day, this fact will be proven beyond doubt, and that, dear reader, will be his downfall. Till then, we can but hope. This teacher commonly tends to be a retarded loser who also has nothing better to do.

As a sub-category, there also exists the Lazy Faker. These can be hard to distinguish from the above as their behaviour is so similar, except for the fact that they are, as the name suggests, incredibly lazy (and most of the time, fat) with a really huge belly and a liking for checking their emails during classes, or calling you to ask how to do this or that on a computer. Will often replace the lesson with a movie that has absolutely nothing to do with their subject. The pretender also pretends to have a big dick. So when the Pretending teacher is teaching family life be aware!

The Under-Enthusiast

This variety of teacher is usually on the road to retirement. They spend all their time talking about their third wife, how they went to Vietnam (because of their third wife), their children, the food in the cafeteria (just like it was in Vietnam), the decline of Western civilization (due to their children)... just about everything you couldn't give less of a shit about. If and when they bother to actually take the class, you will probably be asleep; if you ask a question, they'll likely point to the book. They really don't care at all what is said about them, because they have lost their faith in mankind.

What do you mean, E=MC²? Don't be so ridiculous.

The "You are Wrong"

Asking a simple question, he gets the class split into factions fighting one another tooth and nail over who is right. He gets you researching on the wrong paths and learning the wrong facts, only to smugly point out at the end of the class that the question had no answer. Sometimes sharing traits with the "Senile", this type of teacher will rant about how bad the book is and how all other teachers are stupid. Seeing that his way is the only way and that he knows best, he will overcomplicate the most simple tasks and will not accept anything but his answer, whatever it might be at that moment. Impossible assignments are common, so don't even bother taking the test - your best bet is to just suck up to him. And if you don't, please, wear a flame proof suit tomorrow to school. Don't ask questions. Just do it. They are mostly male, who live alone and have two cats. Their apperence is mostly noted by their love for polo shirts (ALWAYS tucked in) and their receding hair, balding, or compleetely bald head. It must be noted that when the balding prosses does happen they will componsate for the loss of hair on there head for hair on their face i.e. moustache, goatee or beard.

If this teacher is Chuck Norris, you actually are wrong.

The Fell-Back

This teacher did not want to be a teacher, but had to "fall back" on the job when their other dreams fell flat. The Fell-Back will blame you for their own sorry life and make your own life a living hell. They are easily identifiable by their horns and pointy tails, as well as the bag of broken dreams they carry over their shoulder. Not all Fell-Backs carry pitchforks, although some do have the tendency to wear tight, bright red jumpsuits and call themselves the Prince (or Princess) of Darkness. Just ignore them.

The Personality

This teacher often has their own set of sayings that drive the class crazy, and likes to believe they are very unique and interesting. However amusing they may be, one thousand repetitions of "Everybody happy with that?" or "Now this could be the A star question on the paper" just get tiring. However, there are those smart-alecky kids who aspire to be this teacher, and you are STRONGLY advised to stay as far away as possible from both the smart-alecks and the Personality. Seriously, it's contagious.

It's like kicking a puppy. But that's not going to stop us.

The No-Personality

This teacher is basically the opposite of 'The Personality'. The No-Personality (NP) will allow almost anything in class. Not because she doesn't notice or thinks it's not that bad, but because he/she wants to keep you on their side as much as possible. However, bullying her out of class so that she will run to the principal crying is a bad idea, although it has to be said that throwing things (spitballs and erasers are perfect) is supremely amusing. For maximum effect, set it up so that they are thrown from varying parts of the room at specially allocated time slots, for example every 5 minutes. The reaction is reminiscent of a Jack Russel or similar chasing its tail.

Your Teacher

This person would much rather instruct your class to play games on their mobiles than spend time and energy teaching, but instead they focus all of his/her/its attention on the quiet kid in the corner whose phone happens to be vibrating. Often an teacher in drag,alcoholic, or sex offender.

The Vietnam Veteran

Most commonly found teaching the subject of History and finds humor in death and tragedy either in books or educational videos. He's also normally caught taking prescription medications in class to calm himself because the class itself reminds him of the war. Sometimes they can be overweight and slightly racist towards Asians. Most of the time, he is harassed by his students making loud banging noises to put him on edge. Some students like to take it to a whole new level by sexually harassing him by asking him to "bend over" and "Take off your pants". Sadly, these teachers have a short life span due to their suicidal tenancies after many years of teaching.

The "Fun" Teacher

The bastard child of both the Pesonality and The Pretender, these teachers try to make the class fun by involving everyone in class projects and trying to build a relationship with their students. These teachers seem awesome on the outside, but on the inside, all they want to do is try to keep the class from getting too hard to handle. You sometimes see failed attempts at being the "Fun" Teacher, where the class just runs and talks all period long and never gets any work done. It can be cool having this teacher, if they know what they're doing.

Might even be a teacher in drag! Just a small possibility, but who knows?

The NQT

The newly qualified teacher is a curious breed. Whilst their school/college days are still fresh-ish in their minds, they may consider themselves "cool" and still "down with the kids" (until they realise that the phrase "down with the kids" is only used by people who are nothing of the sort). The NQT may exude feigned confidence, or may be openly weak, and invariably doesn't quite understand how things work. These early days of teaching are crucial in determining what kind of teacher they will become, as they try desperately to balance the image they always had of themselves as a "cool" teacher, with trying to impress their new colleagues and basically not get fired, slowly realising that they are destined to be distinctly average. Generally, you will have a lot of influence over the NQT - you have the power to turn them into a nervous wreck, or help them achieve their goal of becoming a "good teacher" (see below). Also, because the NQT has little experience of students, you will undoubtedly set their standards for what constitutes a good class: be nice to this teacher, and they will probably love you forever and hate any subsequent classes for not being as good as you. I know it's hard, but find it in your heart not to bully this easy target, and you might find that, over the course of the year, they get less shitty and might even grow a personality!

The Idiot

The kind of teacher who doesn't know shit! They typically try to fit in with the students at the school. This is done by dressing like they are 16 instead of dressing their own age. Wardrobe includes leggings, hooker boots, and fake tanning. This teacher also has the impression that everybody loves her. In actuality, nobody likes her because they are not learning anything. They tend to make the easiest concepts the hardest things to understand in the world, fail at discussions, and don't know the answers to their own quizzes and tests.

No-Balls

BEWARE: The 'No Balls' teacher is also known as the 'Pussy Teacher' who is too fucking lazy to teach a god damn lesson.

The kind of teacher that just threatens to send students to the principal's office or brings in a different teacher to yell at his students all god damn day and never gets any teaching done. They talk a big game but never actually follows through on any threats and are usually the most pasive aggressive of all types of teachers (not grading papers or throwing them away, forcing you to re-do them). Everyone in the classes they teach generally hate these teachers due to their constant bitching and threats and pull almost daily pranks on them.

Technology-Unaware

This is the teacher who still uses a blackboard instead of a sexy smartboard. Chances are that they will only accept handwritten essays, and the they will make you re-write it if your handwriting doesn't look exactly like Times New Roman. Good luck if you are in a school that uses an electronic grading system; you will often find your grades to be composed of exclamation points and various fractions. If they ever have to use the internet they will most definitely be using internet explorer 7. A common strategy for torturing students is claiming that "wikipedia is unreliable" and that only approved print resources can be used.

The Substitute

These teachers have no control over the class, but are often under the strange delusion that they are in complete and total command. Whenever they want you to do something they'll either:

1. Ask you to do it, if you neglect, they'll ask someone else.
2. Repeat the command over and over again until you get extremely bored.
3. Threaten to call the principal.
4. Use deadly force.

Most substitutes tend to be bitchy old people who should be in a retirement home. They may or may not be fat due to their age. A recent study shows that all of them are either retired Splinter Cells or Sean Connery lookalikes, although never both. Thats not possible. Similar to Your Teacher, they are all sex offenders. Occasionally they will arrange a meeting where they will combine all their intelligence to form one whole brain cell.

If you see a substitute coming towards your class, it's time to bail and ask someone else to say "here" when the sub calls your name. This technique is scientifically proven to be 99.3289413298% effective.

The Good Teacher

You may only see one of these in your entire life, but it is worth it. Unlike the "Fun" Teacher, this teacher is actually fun. And, they know everything. They will make you work - but you will enjoy it! Usually, a good teacher has the innate ability to explain even the most complex ideas in a way which the whole class actually gets it, whilst making you laugh at the same time, and even if you don't get it, they are even willing to give up as much of their free time as needed to help you and manage not to be patronising about it. Some may scream a lot, use silly voices, and curse more then teachers should, or come up with really strange analogies that they have crafted to genuinely help their students understand stuff. Occasionally they might also break into song. You will always leave their room feeling enlightened and contemplative. A sub-category of good teacher includes the teachers right out of Uni who actually take time to completely own the creepy racist guy on the verge of mental collapse. This may backfire in the future because while funny at the time it may result in a shooter. They also, unlike "the pretender" or "the fun teacher" actually keep up to date with things that are funny, like jokes about nerds who play WOW until their eyes fall out. Only dumbasses will dislike this teacher, but you should just ignore them. Also beware of the ever-present cunt who always asks, "Can we do some work now?". At the end of the year, you will be gutted that you will no longer get to bask in the wonder that is the good teacher, and may even consider failing the exam, just so you can retake a year. In short, this teacher is just awesome, for more reasons than you could list. Some argue that this teacher is a myth. These people are wrong. The most notorious "Good Teachers" are Miss Hannah Louise Burton (who taught at St. George's School '07/'08), Mark Fitzpatrick, the "Saviour of Chemistry" at JLC (from some point in time until 2008),Mr English at MCC possibly he coolest art teacher ever, Mr. Kolman of Dtown, Coach Boggs of LA, Ms. Rita Hall of Cleveland, Mr. Mcbride of Pensacola Flordia, Crystal Jerabek of Fountain Valley High School, CA, and the best of all Mrs. Cottrell of Woodcreek High School in Roseville, CA. Mrs. Cottrell also responds to being called Whitney or Mama C. She's the best World Studies or AP European History teacher ever. EVER.

.

The pen is mightier than the sword... er, gun. On second thoughts, perhaps not.

The Question which threatens all Teachers

What will you do if no thing has divisibility, comparability, connectivity, disturbability, reorderability, substitutability, and satisfiability? Ask this question. You would be dismissed from the school. Teacher, what is the meaning of this question? I'm a teacher who wrote this because this doesn't make sense.

Physical Laws Associated with Teachers

David's Inverse Square Law

The probablity that you will run into a teacher is inversely proportional to the square of the desire you have to speak with them. Thus:

1. When you are hiding from a teacher, they will be everywhere you are, but ten seconds before you, and
2. When you really need to speak to one, they will be off campus for the day.

The law can be stated by the mathematical expression:

<latex>\Lambda \propto\frac{1}{d^2}</latex>

where Λ is the probability that you will run into a teacher and d is the magnitude of your desire to meet so.

Fred's Uncertainty Principle

You can know where a teacher is, or where they are going, but never the two at once. Mathematically, this can be expressed as:

<latex>\triangle p \cdot \triangle x \ge\frac{\hbar}{2}</latex>

where Δp is the uncertainty of the momentum of the teacher, Δx is the uncertainty of the position of so and <latex>\hbar</latex> is Plank's constant.

The Subject-Teacher Matrix

Certain types of teacher are more prone to some types of torture sessions than others. This phenomenon is still being studied, but it appears to have something to do with PMS. ALSO MR PASCOE, AKA PASSY HAS JUST VERIFIED HE IS THE SON OF SATAN.

Meanest Teacher in the world

There is no point in ranking, they are all pretty much even. But if there was a dominant, it would be the fat ass of a principal who always tries to get you in shit. So what if you dipped his under pants in meat sauce so dogs would chase him every where?! SO WHAT! THAT GIVES THEM NO RIGHT TO FUCK WITH US!

Teachers have a bad time too

I am Mr Balding (you have no right to know my first name) and yes, some teachers are complete pissheads but it is very hard for me as a teacher, I have been assaulted many a time from some scumbag who lives on the local council estate DAMN YOU RODNEY WILLYBAG. Also us teachers have given up there social life because they are too busy typing powerpoints,failing tests and GENERALLY TRYING TO GIVE THE DAMNED YOUTH AN EDUCATION and you would get an education if you didn't try throwing a pencil at my bald head and trying to chat up that girl

See also

• Mr. Kearsy
• Denzel Washington
• The Evil Math Teacher
• Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle
• Mathematics
• Student