High School Kids

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“Dammnnnn is it really only second period ... on Monday? ugggg”

~ a high school kid

“Can’t I just sleep all day and party all night Mom?”

~ a high school kid


~ a high school teacher

As with everything in human nature, evolution is a constant process that brings about changes. So too does it change people, down to every aspect of their lives in the different levels of their lives. One of the important stages in anyone's life is the time during high school. It is also hands down the most hellish time of your life, and anyone who says otherwise will indeed be forced to walk the plank into a large vat of something that they're afraid of.

Like many things in life, high school kids can be summed up, and this can be found to be especially handy for you grown-ups who don't know (or care) about high schoolers except for the ones you've seen on disney channel. So, from someone who can tell you first hand how things seem to happen for the most part, here is the breakdown.

Contrary to popular belief, this movie is not true to an actual American high school.

The game plan[edit | edit source]

The following is the basic break down of the cliques and trends that every and all high schoolers can fit into, some more snugly than others. A person is not chained to their clique, they can and for the most part will change some things around to suit themselves, losing friends and self-confidence during this time. Some people will transcend these cliques and be members of more than one, and either create a whole new clique or "Sub Clique" or just be ridiculed and forced to eat at the table with the kids that not only eat their boogers, but share other boogers openly with no regards to the consequences (kind of like communism). So read on, and think to yourself, where would you have fallen?

Jocks[edit | edit source]

Main article: Jocks

A classic, and yet still a very firm leg in the table of high school politics. These kids are easily spotted, because most of the time, people are already looking at them, even the kids with no eyes. They blatantly display their affection for the sport they participate in, whether it be through T-shirts, sweaters, circle jerks, or their own jerseys. They might be the worst team in the conference but they still march around the school like they are the top players of the NFL getting ready for the "big game" against your little dinky town that has a "football team" with a school of 300 kids. More often then not, their girlfriends will also take pride in their sport by the previous attribute or giggling like mongoloids about how good their boyfriend can throw a dead pig's skin with the word "Wilson" written on the side of it. Jocks are the top rung on the ladder of the high school (see bottom article on the hierarchy) and they know it. From favors given by teachers on tests, to beating the hell out of the lower class citizens and making them feel insecure eight hours a day, five days a week. You can spot the "pure" jocks by their blatant disregard for other people. You'll know them by their stunning superiority complex and their need to make others feel bad.

Bullies/Delinquents[edit | edit source]

Direct cousins of Jocks, these people tend to pick on all kids down the high school food chain such as geeks, nerds, Twinkies, goth, etc. and find pleasure in making other people feel bad about themselves. These people are sometimes transported to a behavioral department of the school district, never to be seen again. They most likely pick on others to make themselves feel better (either because they are ugly or find themselves intimidating). Some will be in jail by the time you graduate or remember them.

Dumb girls[edit | edit source]

True to life dumb girl

Also known as plastics or sluts, they are yet another classic and a staple for American high schools. Dumb girls can be found in most spaces in high schools, and are spotted by their skimpy dressing techniques, giggling, and the strong, overpowering odor of the makeup department of Macy's, with just the right dash of scamp.

These girls, whether or not they're attractive to the opposite sex, will always find a mate in this kingdom. This very well could be the reasoning behind their nonsensical actions which, with each passing day, fall, dragging the reputation of their sex down with them. Jocks are usually found with these girls, as they are the ones attracted to their innocent stupidity.

Other attributes include excessive gum chewing, hair twirling, poor grades, being an absolute asshole to the nice teacher and a bizarre tick noise that proceeds and closes any serious conversation to be had. For more details, see the film Clueless, which is still indeed very accurate. Be warned however, you will be very sad throughout the entire movie, ignorance of "Dumb Girls" is bliss, because it's impressive, if a bit obvious, how stupid they are. You should take care to keep them in the kitchen. If they do leave, you are well within your rights to bitchslap their ass into next week.

Sluts[edit | edit source]

The twin sister of dumb girls, they tend to fuck any guy who has the attractiveness of an ape or is a jock. They attempt to be intimidating to normal people who have the misfortune of being in a project group with them. They often get pregnant or contract sexual diseases. DO NOT be afraid to laugh at them when they get pregnant or contract a "horrible" sexual disease, because are you really that surprised? And they never really gave a shit about anybody anyway? They really do not have to be extremely attractive they just have to have the ability to fuck lots of guys. DO NOT be afraid to respond to their slutty remarks whether or not you are a guy or girl as they are out of energy from fucking local guys all last night. They mainly do guys for attention. This attention will eventually move to the conservative girls nearing the end of high school because then all guys do not think with their penises. The key to identifying a slut is to listen to how they talk. Usually they talk like wanksters or wiggers. They find this language intimidating. Do not confuse slut dress code with light goth dress code as they can be mistaken. Mostly all dress with ripped clothing especially on the clothes as to reveal as much of their body as legally possible. They also tend to spread rumors about other sluts. They should also be confined to a nearby kitchen.

Druggies[edit | edit source]

Well-known high school druggies Cheech and Chong

Yay for druggies! Without these people, we wouldn't have the backbone of our economy, like Roto Rooter or Pizza Hut! These are the kids who have literally smoked themselves retarded. They have turned to drugs and alcohol (mostly drugs) in an effort to rid themselves of the devastation that follows a high school student day and night. They can be spotted by their spaciness, their increased motor functions, the way they are always moving their hands around and saying "woah", and their finding everything funny. EVERYTHING. They usually take little pride in their appearance, and gravitate towards one another, forming groups that travel and smoke together, like Will Smith and Martin Lawrence in Bad Boys. These kids mean no one harm, they simply want to have a good time; can you blame them? It's either that or suicide. On a side note, it's okay to laugh at these kids, seeing as most people do already, including fellow druggies.

Borderline hippies[edit | edit source]

An offshoot from the Druggie group is the borderline hippy group. Borderline hippies are generally identified by their infinite usage of the phrases "bro", "peace", and "what's good?", their wearing of hemp bracelets, their tendency to use shrooms instead of LSD despite shrooms are so fucking expensive, and their ability to somehow not flunk out of school. This group is plagued by posers, mainly of two types: 1) Kids who share all the views that hippies do but actually are just really die-hard Christians, and 2) A group of Russian spies (and friends) who disguise themselves as borderline hippies to gain a greater understanding of American culture, but end up gaining a greater understanding about their friendship. Most borderline hippies come from incredibly wealthy families, which is a problem because they say that they oppose capitalism. Really though, they wouldn't be like that without the money to back their lifestyle-that's why they are borderline hippies, not true ones.

Gangstas[edit | edit source]

Uh-oh! A gangsta!

This category is not the most recent, but it has successfully made itself an immortal place in the system. These kids can be spotted by the bagginess and sagginess of their outfits. Do not assume they don't take pride in their appearance, though; they just like the huge clothes (it makes room for their guns). They can be spotted by their constant use of slang, their secret hand shakes, and a strange, almost musical speech pattern (except for the druggie gangstas which take up about 84% of the gangsta population; they can't talk well). Another notable characteristic is their scent, which is somewhere between expensive cologne and fluids that cars depend on to run. If you see a gangsta, don't be alarmed. Much like the rattlesnake, they'll let you know if you should stay away; usually their yelling or holding of a gun and/or crossbow shows that you need to turn around and walk away. No fast movements! Don't ask them for hugs, either.

Wangstas[edit | edit source]

True to life wangsta
Preferred weapon of Wangstas

Word for gangsters that are white, because apparently it is only "normal" to be a gangster if you're black, and white people hardly ever exhibit such undesirable behavior (with them being superior and all). They often wear baggy clothes like their black companions and are usually worse at rapping (though there are exceptions). Usually referred to as pussies or crackas by their fellow ganstas; however, they are making themselves a staple in the economy. There are many great wangstas today, like Eminem and Cuba Gooding Jr. They're lovable in how they prove without a reasonable doubt that white people can't leave ANYTHING alone.

Band kids[edit | edit source]

Main article: Marching band
A band kid, not having sex

There are two types of band kids, those who have lots of sex and those that don't. The latter can often be seen hanging out with druggies and borderline hippies, but are not always classified as such (but most are druggies or hippies). Due to constantly being mistaken for nerds or artsy kids, band folk promote their association in order to separate themselves from the aforementioned cliques. The best way to spot a band kid is to go to a school football game and actually sit in the stands during halftime. Researchers have gathered information claiming that band kids do some awesome ritual during halftime that no one watches, most of the crowd, though, are not worthy of beholding such a glorious event, then mysteriously disappear when everyone returns to the stands. While not the bottom of the food chain, just about everyone can agree that forty percent of band kids pretty much suck at life. However, this is a misconception as they are three times as cool as you will ever be. They are dubbed awesome because they are musically inclined, intelligently inclined and somewhat, but not really, athletically inclined. These are true band geeks.

There are also the "Wind Ensemble" members. Mostly upper class, their musical prodigal genius is awed by all, and I mean ALL. Most are in extracurricular awesomeness, but still geeky bands.

Then there's the rest of the band, they only join band for an easy grade, to mess around, to hang with friends, or just cause they thought it was a good idea at the time. They tend to be the most popular, but usually end up on the streets playing their instrument.(Not to be confused with rockers.)

All in all, these are people who are underestimated, underappreciated and geeky. They are secretly loved, but bullied a lot. Some, though, publicly proclaim their love for it.

Artsy kids[edit | edit source]

These are the kids who take up an art class of any kind, and not just to get credit. They are obsessed with this being their future livelihood, and some are truly good at it. Others suck and will become secretaries. They can be noticed by their lack of self confidence and their poor appearance, mostly because they paint or shoot videos instead of pissing themselves up. When the "Zone" is entered (the point in which they function 97% to 100% in the art world), do not interfere, or you may be stabbed. These people are fun to talk to if they aren't completely obsessed with their medium and won't shut up about it. This can also be said for the jocks who are obsessed with their sport. Most art kids are hipster and therefore haven't taken a shower in about a week. Needless to say they shouldn't be touched.

Geeks[edit | edit source]

A nerd, after shedding its skin in the back yard

The lovable staple in the poop chute that is high school. The kids that try their hardest and come up top thirty in their class. Notable characteristics include the need for glasses or contact lenses (for the cool geeks) and a calculator that is almost permanently attached to their hand, not to mention a love of religion, and a dress code that resembles a sort of 1950's innocence (or shirts that are supposed to be funny but aren't; they're just stupid). An important thing to remember is the fact that these kids SUCK. Don't try to socialize with them. Geeks mix with geeks, THE END. Try not to smell them. Geeks also enjoy science-fiction films, books, and tv shows. Weird Al Yancovic is an idol to some geeks.

IBs[edit | edit source]

He has clearly reached higher levels of pleasure from plotting a function on the TI-89.

These are kids who have given up hopes on a proper life by indulging themselves in the evil depths of the IBO. Most prospective IBs tend to not realize the potential damages that the program afflicts on them. These kids have no life as they spend a lifetime (and more) in the school library, cramming for the dreaded Final Exams. It is rather easy to identify an IB student, for instance, the bags under their eyes are heavier than their bags (and their bags are packed with books!). According to recent studies, IB students seem to find more pleasure in using their GDC's, in particular the TI-89, than when masturbating. This simply proves the vast damages on their previous healthy state of minds. A valuable tip is to stay away from the IB students as some may bite.

Freaks[edit | edit source]

The quintessential freak

Another staple in high school, and with a slight resemblance to the Geeks. Freaks are those who get it, who clearly understand, but there's something wrong. They almost always have a grotesque quality, whether it is nose picking or smelliness. These kids can always be found at their own table, and share common interests like Pokemon and the newest Sci-Fi channel original. An important thing to remember is that freaks could make something of themselves, but they simply lack the impetus.

Prissy chicks[edit | edit source]

A cousin of the dumb girls, a sort of offshoot if you will. It's rare to find a prissy chick with a high IQ, but they aren't that dumb. These girls are parasites, and make you angry every time you see them. They thrive off of making people feel bad because they have realized how much they truly suck, yet they cannot come to grips with it. Stay away from these girls, they bite. For more information see Mean Girls, and the local nail/tanning salon (look for the girls who act like they own the place). They usually are really pretty and they like to act like their shit don't stink. They love to act like no guy is good for them when in reality they are in LOVE with the ugliest thing you may ever come across, better know as the wangstas. Their natural habitat is the kitchen.

The Mediocres[edit | edit source]

Mediocres (also filed under Misc.) share two common factors: one, they truly don't belong to any clique and two, they have virtually no enemies. They can and will befriend everyone, and as hard as you try, you cannot get angry at a Mediocre, mostly because it takes a talent to get a Mediocre mad at you; a true act of betrayal is necessary. These kids are also mediocre, as their name suggests, at doing things.

Goth[edit | edit source]

Damn goth kids!

Like the Gangsta, the Goth has made itself a burrow in the high school garden, and it's here to stay. These kids can be spotted by their dark clothing and prissy attitudes. They hate the world, and truly believe they can take it on. When they enter the real world, they find themselves mistaken, but they'll keep the chain pants tucked in the back of their closets and minds. Goth kids also like to beat the shit out of themselves, and are usually guilty of some form of self-mutilation due to their depression and suicidal tendencies.

Screamo[edit | edit source]

New to the scene, Screamo kids are somewhat like Emo kids, sharing their dress code and the like, but they all listen to bands that scream their music. These kids can be often found walking down the halls listening to screamo music at full volume so that everyone within a twenty-yard radius can hear their music. They often get weird looks because of this. It's not difficult to find one that may have your common interests, but their outrageous outfits and pissed off teenager actions usually turn people off. You can always tell a Screamo kid by the key chains they possess; they'll always have a lot of useless shit hanging from a belt loop on either their left or right side, so they sound like janitors.

Scene[edit | edit source]

Another newbie and this one is yet another evolution from Emo. These kids wear makeup, a shit ton of make up. That's it. They're usually unattractive, but they're worse with the makeup. These kids feel bad all the time too, and dress in completely black outfits, or wear a mix of "goth" clothing and the latest American Eagle apparel. They're also not big fans of the sun, like Emo kids. The male members of Scene will wear women's clothing (not dresses, although I’m sure they do on occasion when no one is there). Tight jeans, shirts, and hoodies are the accepted apparel of Scene kids, it constricts the testicles and that's why they smoke cloves.

Shy kids[edit | edit source]

Often similar to the artsy kids, these kids may seem gentle and innocent but are actually part of an evil, barbaric secret society if not super heroes or serial murderers. These kids seem completely uninterested in other people, but read a lot of books or always listening to some music on an iPod which has over 5000 songs on it since they rather listen to music than socialize. This is because they prefer the comforting personality of books to companionship of fellow humans, and books or iPods are their social life. There is another type that actually tries to socialize, but they come out as very plain and uninteresting. They usually work at some bland part time job such as the library or McDonalds. However, they all have one thing in common. They're all completely terrified of people.

"Twinkies"[edit | edit source]

The revolutionary minority of the Freak-Geek split of 2002, these are usually white kids. They hang out in the library or stairwell all day every day, talk in shrill voices, and proclaim to the entire world that they have no interests other than each other and anime with every step they take. They typically wear the same clothes and badges every day, never stop touching each other, and drink a lot of green tea. Mostly of indeterminate sex and orientation, though they'll each talk incessantly about their boyfriends/girlfriends as loud and often as they can. Recognizable by always being extremely short, usually obese, moving in packs of at least a dozen, and hogging the computers every day to look up the same anime that they already know too much about.

The Otaku (The Others)[edit | edit source]

Otaku are everywhere!

The kids that don't look like the Twinkies (average people) but still enjoy reading/watching anime and manga. Most of the people in this category are usually Asian with other minority groups or very pale white nerdy people that stay inside most of the time away from crowds and public places. Actually, they usually have great senses of humor and are extremely outgoing and unafraid to admit "Yeah, I like Anime!" Otaku kids are the types that seem really chill on the outside, but on the inside, they look up "high school kids" on Uncyclopedia and write total overstatements about themselves (And give themselves a stupid name no one has ever heard of) only to be re-written by someone to ensure the public is truly informed. In the long run, they're Twinkies with a side order of freak, and a small dash of douchebag on top of it all. Despite this trace of douchebagginess, they're actually pretty nice, if a bit shy and nerdy. They can often be found taking sides over which anime/character is cooler/hotter, and be careful not to get caught in the middle as the separate factions mean business. They can also be found cosplaying their favorite anime/manga characters and are often times found role-playing online on MMOs such as World of Warcraft when their favorite animes/manga have not published the latest release yet. They care the most about anime and it often is the only form of entertainment they like. However, you can manage to befriend an Otaku, they will be loyal and truly wonderful friends that often cling (more so in a girl Otaku) to you (but in a cool, non-creepy way) and try to get you to cosplay or watch anime with them.

Fat kids[edit | edit source]

Typical fat kid

Fat kids have their own group on account of the magic of segregation. These kids usually are the funniest ones, both intentionally and unintentionally. They do well in class and have the funniest laugh if you tickle them. Male fat kids are well dressed. Female fat kids dress like skinny dumb girls to make themselves feel better, but this is devastating to anyone else with eyes. God bless fat kids though, the world wouldn't work without them, they are the ones to become the bosses of major corporations; either that or they will become Santa Claus.

Asian kids[edit | edit source]

Good at math, yo-yo's, playing orchestral instruments. They have the odd ability to excel at any subject... except American literature. All people, (except Americans oddly enough) tend to misunderstand their literature and kick it off like garbage.

Cheerleaders, a.k.a. hot girls[edit | edit source]

Zoinks yo!

This covenant is a sort of melting pot. This can vary from school to school, more often than not, it's the prettiest and most popular girls in the school who make up the Cheerleaders. On occasion, unattractive girls will join the squad to make themselves feel better, but they soon regret their choice when they show off their tree trunk legs and tummy rolls in the skimpy outfits. These fat ugly girls are just wannabes that by some miracle made the squad. Ignore these fat unattractive people. Cheerleaders are always the popular ones. Also despite the whole all cheerleaders are dumb and bitchy, most aren't. In fact most cheerleaders have a B average. But then again, a lot of cheerleaders think that they're better than everyone else, and then it's annoying and everyone wants to punch them in the face. These are the top of the food chain for girls in high school, although when they graduate most of them become fat, ugly, or a lesbian. In their spare time, they can be found in a kitchen near you!

Other[edit | edit source]

If you find that you don't fit in any category, congratulations, you’re a normal person. Now go out into the world and don't be a tool or else the Jocks will kick your ass.

Hierarchy[edit | edit source]

Like any long standing organized group of people, high schools have class systems. An important thing to remember is that once a person is in a class system, they can never go up in the ranks; however, it is very easy to fall. Let's hear it for segregation! The class system goes a little like this...

Cream of the upper crust[edit | edit source]

To get in here, you need to be one of two things, either a jock who is indeed talented (quarterbacks always get here) or come from a wealthy family. That's about it.

Upper crust (Assholes)[edit | edit source]

These are the popular kids. On account of their popularity, they are able to attend any party, any gathering, and any event they wish to, even those hosted by the cream of the upper crust. The Mediocres are always here, but never by choice (you just have to love them so LOVE THEM). Cheerleaders almost always get here, unless they are hated by the rest of their squad, which happens. Athletes in important sports (except for swimming and cross country) also make it into this category, except if they're shunned by the team. Other than that, the only remaining members of this class are sexually active attractive people. Some gangstas are here too.

Crust[edit | edit source]

The sort of necessary people. These are the kids who take part in school activities; whether you like them or not makes no difference. For the most part, these people suck a whole hell of a lot, but there's nothing you can do about it. Don't get them angry, however, they have the ability to turn the faculty against you!

Lower crust[edit | edit source]

These are the talented kids, nerds, band kids who don't suck at life, and artsy people who will eventually make something of themselves. However, for now, they are on the lower part of the totem pole, almost to the part that's underground, but not quite. These kids get beaten up a lot and lead bizarre struggled lives, but it's all part of their growing and evolving talent. These kids are usually the ones to make stuff happen, but they never get credit. They also go on adventures of magical sorts, in which their lives are in peril, but they don't prioritize their lives, so it doesn't make much of a difference. They all, however, have a dark side, and they could kill you with no regret while your back is turned. Believe you me, they think about killing you all the time. They're thinking of it right now...

Pie pan grease[edit | edit source]

Druggies, Wangstas, Vamps, Goth, and Goth offshoots.These people make up the bottom of the barrel. They're not invited to the party, but they'll come anyway. Few of these people will become anything important, but few, after high school, can rise above their influence and reach for the stars. But even they will die in a horrible way so who gives a shit.

Life after high school[edit | edit source]

Where do they go? What do they do? Why would you care?

  • Some go to colleges or universities.
  • Some go to trade schools like Y-O tech (where you learn how to clean cars) or beautician school (where you learn how to really fuck up someone's hair).
  • Some become crack hoes.
  • Some live in their mom's basement and watch porn all day.
  • Some live in your basement and watch porn all day.
  • Some wind up upside down in dumpsters tripping on meth.
  • Some go on to become extremely rich and evil, and never get laid.
  • Some of the people from the "others" decide to do something with themselves and join the military.
  • Some get jobs and earn money.
  • Some grow up to be be adults wasting their lives editing Uncyclopedia.